28 June 2008

So, today is the day that my Father In Law and I go to pick up my sister to spend a week with me. Yesterday she turned 15. Which is very wierd to me because I havent seen her in 3 years. A few days ago was the first time I have talked to her in the past 3 years and there were some silent awkard moments. Its strange. I was 15 when I met my sister in law, and then my future parents in law and then my future husband and father of our future daughter. Strange.

Im hoping the week isnt awkward and we find things to do and talk about. We plan to spend more time together after the baby arrives so they can meet each other too.

25 June 2008- Congrats Erb Family!

My sister in law had her baby yesterday 2 days early!
Josiah Thomas Erb was born June 24th at 1:58 a.m. via C-Section at a whopping 9 pounds and 11.8 ounces and 20 1/2 inches long !! A lotta cuteness! I must say he looks just like his Daddy!

Congrats Mom and Dad!!

XOXO!

23 June 2003

I know your wondering about me. Its about to get REAL busy around here. I will update soon!

Until then...take a look at this pregnancy ticker posted by our birth mother.
Crazy huh?!

20 June 2008

We might have done some shopping. And we arent done yet. Keep in mind, my mother in law and myself have been waiting for FIVE YEARS to be able to do this!

My plan is to wrap every single baby item and let Nick have a field day when he joins us here in PA next month. I cant wait to watch his excitment!

Enjoy!

19 June 2008

Hello Friends. Sorry I left you on the edge of your seat for a day but yesterday I was so tired. I couldnt concentrate or think hard enough to update my blog. And this morning Im still tired so the blog might be kinda bland. I know you all are wondering about our trip to FL to meet our birth mother- Kaitlyn. It could not have gone any better than it did! Every single thing went to smoothly- just like it was all meant to be.

We flew out PA Sunday at noon. First flight went smooth. The 2nd flight from Atlanta to FL was scary. We flew through a thunderstorm in FL and it was the bumpiest flight I have ever had, and you all know I have had more flights in my lifetime than I can even count now. It felt at times the plane was falling. But we made it. We arrived in FL on Sunday evening at 5:30. It was raining hard when we arrived, but it let up just in time for us to drive to our hotel. We upgraded our rental car to a Toyota Carolla S, 2008 (Which by the way made me miss my car that much more) and a GPS so we wouldnt have to guess and get lost. We got to our hotel and I called Kaitlyn and we all decided to meet at Olive Garden.

We got there a little after 6:30 and I have to tell you I was so scared and nervous. I mean geez, we were about to meet the birth mother of our daughter and grand daughter!! I was sweating and my ribs hurt and when my ribs hurt that means Im so nervous I could get sick. And a few times I thought I was going to! But my Mother in law was there to help me get through it, and she was right. It was fine.

We had dinner and we all talked about what we think the baby will look like. I cant wait! She is going to be just gorgeous! We talked about Kaitlyn's choice of giving her baby to us, we talked about the birth and so much more. We were there for about 3 1/2 hours just chatting. We didnt run out of things to talk about, there were no akward moments of silence, we werent nervous and we had a great time. After dinner we stood outside for a little while and talked more and got to rub the beautiful baby belly.

On Monday we got to go shopping at Walmart early in the morning and have breakfast. Then we drove to where the attorney office was and found a mall to hang around in until the appointment. Of course we bought some things for the baby girl. How could we not?

Then we met with our attorney where we asked a few questions and he went over some things with us, like what happens in the hospital and all. After that we picked up Kaitlyn and her son at her Mom's house and off to the mall we went. (See picture above) We walked around. I got something to eat so we sat a while. My mother in law took her son for a ride around the mall so Kaitlyn and I could talk and we did. She explained how she knew as soon as she saw our website that we were it. She said she read our website, cried and ran to her Mom telling her she knew she found a family. She said that this baby is our baby. She is the birth mother but are the parents. We talked about everything, and there were moments I thought I would burst into tears and just kiss her! LOL! But I kept calm. We stayed at the mall for about 4 hours and just talked and walked. It was wonderful! We then took Kaitlyn back home and we said our goodbyes and I got to rub the baby belly and say bye to baby girl, until next month when Nick and I go to FL to wait for her birth.

On this trip I have realized a few things. I have realized I love this baby. I dont know her but I know I love her already. I just cant wait to fall in love with her and see Nick hold her for the first time. I have realized I am going to be a mother. As much as I want this, more than anything- it's a bit scary! And we only have 5 1/2 weeks IF she doesnt come early, which we all believe she will be early. But I cant wait.

I cant wait.

So many things on this trip went smoothly and because of that I know this trip was just meant to be. Every little thing, every big thing went they way it should be.
Eating at Olive Garden- I couldnt imagine any other setting for us to be in the first time. The rain- it only rained when were not driving. It was like GOd knew we were driving in a unfamilar place so the rain would stop. Our hotel- it was so clean and comfortable and the pond outside was there so we could relax and feed the fish. The rental car- we were able to get a Carolla since that is what I am most confortable driving since I had one and the GPS- I would have been so lost without that thing, I dont even want to know.

We had a great time and it was time spent with my Mother in Law, that I will never forget. And baby girl will know all about it someday!

By the way...I just about typed baby girl's name in the above sentence but caught myself. Her name is still her name, we have not changed it and we are sure we wont change it. But Im going to try to wait until her birth before we announce it.

I know I know...I have to keep you on the edge of your seat for something!!

Friday the 13th- June 2008

I'm a ball of emotions today. I honestly feel like I am the pregnant one. lol. I just woke up this way. I don't know what happened over night. I think it is all finally feeling so real and so right.

Thank you everyone again for the sweet comments. I didn't mean to make Nick sound like a bad guy. I am so lucky. As hard as my life has been I would not change it for the world. I wouldn't change it for all the money in the entire world. That I promise you. God had a reason for all my heartache, and today it just all feels so lifted from me. I am so happy I cant even begin to describe. I have the best man in the entire world by my side who I wouldn't trade for anything, and we are about to have the princess that we have dreamed of for years. Even though her existence has been so short thus far, she has been in our hearts for as long as our marriage is old. I once thought, who has me cursed? Why me? Why my husband? Why us? And now I think, How us? How are we so incredibly lucky?

I woke up this morning and just had to journal the old fashioned way- my journal made of real paper that gets written in with a real pen when I feel I need to get things out in private versus the whole world reading it. But this entry is different. I have to share it with the world.

As I sat on the sunny but cool deck this morning, I wrote:

Friday June 13th 2008-

June is just about half way over. Time is going so fast, yet so slow. 2 days before I meet K, and baby girl from the womb. So exciting and nerve wracking. I just hope we click and I hope she likes me even more. I feel so lucky that we have a birth mother who is so involved. She cares. She writes me almost everyday, if not defiantly every other day. I care about her like I care about my little sister. I worry about her every day if I don't hear from her. I really hope that it continues after the birth of this precious miracle. I still would love for her to be involved if she is emotionally ready and able. We would love for baby girl to be able to know her birth mom.

As hard as all this is to go through, we are incredibly lucky. And I do give most, if not all, the credit to Aunt Deb. When she passed away it really upset me that she would never get to see Nick and I live our dreams, to become parents. She wanted this for us just as much as us, and as our parents. She said she had no doubts that it would happen and that it was all in God's time.

I no longer feel so sad about her missing all this because I know she knows. I feel that she knows. I think she has had a big part in all this happening. As much as I would love to physically know she knows, it's ok. It cant be all just a coincidence. It is all too much to be just that. Too much of a miracle to be a coincidence.

Aunt Deb went to heaven knowing we needed help. She went to give God the extra helping hands he needed in letting this all happen. Aunt Deb is here. I know and feel it.

As I am writing this entry, out on the quiet, sunny but cool morning on the deck, I asked Aunt Deb, "Where are you?, Where are you Aunt Deb?"- hoping to see a butterfly. Seconds later, there it was. I haven't seen any butterflies since I been here, a week now. And there it was, the butterfly Aunt Deb sent to me just when I needed it most. A black one. A big one. Followed by a yellow one, and then a white one.

See, I know she's here and I know she knows. I see her with that big smile not only on her mouth but in her sparkling smiling eyes too, so happy and with no pain. Knowing she is with us in this makes me feel so safe and secure in this whole process. She showed me 3 butterflies just when I asked. She IS here. And boy she must have got to work up there as soon as she arrived. I imagine- at her arrival she made it known she was there. :0)

For K to have seen our website and contacted me when she did- just days after her passing is a true miracle. Not to mention all the other miracles through this that we have needed to make this happen- ALL with PERFECT timing.

Rest peacefully Aunt Deb. You will forever be in my heart, and I will be sure that Baby Girl knows her Great Aunt Deb.

11 June 2008

VENTING HERE! Might be random, but I need to vent.

Thank you for the sweet sweet comment everyone has left for me. Things are stressful here. Well, they werent until yesterday.



It all started when I had realized I still hadn't heard from our attorney after emailing him over the weekend. I sent a copy of our home study probably almost 2 weeks ago. They couldnt open the program the home study was in so Nick resent it under another program. They still couldnt open it and I wasnt aware of this. So the email I sent over the weekend was asking about this along with a few other questions we had. It was after hours last night but I called figuring I could leave a message with the answering service they provide, for someone to call me back about this. The lady answered the phone and asked my name. I told her then didnt hear anything so I went on to tell her why I was calling. Half way through me explaining why I was calling I hear" MA'AM, CAN YOU HEAR ME!?" So I stop and I say "Yes." And she said, "Well I been trying to get your attention and your talking right over me." Then I say, "Oh, Im so sorry, I guess I couldnt hear you." Then she says, "Well, obviously not." I was stunned. After she got all my information I went on to to apologize again and tell her it was storming here and I was on a cordless phone. And what does do? Hangs up. Yup. I was so upset and mad I about burst into tears. Why do I have to be such a darn sensitive person? Why does some stranger on the phone whom I will probably never see or talk to again have to upset me so much?

So I called Nick to tell him what happened and he was no help. In fact he made things worse. I asked him to please call the attorney. For one because he knows how to put his foot down and get the all answers we need. For 2 because he is a man and they seem to listen to him better. I guess Im just too nice or something. And he says, I will if I have time. This is sensitive issue for me because I feel like he has time. Maybe he doesnt and Im just being selfish or something, but he wakes up an hour ealy for work and uses that time getting ready which only takes a few minutes and the rest of the time he is on the computer. I know he needs his time to himself but this is a time when that time to himself, in my opinion needs to be sacrificed.

And I needed a copy of our home study to email to our social worker. For some reason she needed me to email it to her so she could print it and fax it to the attorney, vs. me emailing it to him and getting no response. First, why would I need to email it to her? Wouldnt she have this already saved to her computer from when she emailed it to me? Anyways, so instead of me searching through all my emails to find it, I asked Nick to email it to me. Since I am here in PA, it is not saved onto the computer here. It is obviously saved to our computer at home. And Nick tells me he will if he has time. Huh?? You will if you have time? What? This will only take 2 minutes of your morning to do for me. This isnt something we can do if we have time. This is something that NEEDS TO BE DONE! NOW! Yesterday! We have only 53 days until this baby is due IF she doesnt come early and the home study isnt even notarized yet because the attorney has not been able to pre-approve it!! AGGGGHHHHHHHH!

So Im so frustrated and then I find out he once again he is stressed out about finances. How are we going to pay our monthly bills after this? And you know...I dont know. Hopefully his car will sell. If not, we can sell our furniture. At this point of my stress level, I dont care what it is we have to sell. Hopefully God will still continue to provide as he has so far.

After this last night, I decided to re-email my questions to the attorney hoping to get an answer. One of my many questions was asking if I could meet with the attorney while Im in FL. They emailed me back with a time and date finally. I guess while Im there they can answer all the other questions I had emailed.

Then this morning I went through all my emails and finally found the copy of our home study. I emailed it to the social worker who hopefully can open it and print it and fax it. If not, I will be taking the printed copy I have to the attorney with him when I go meet him.

Which leads me to this news: My mother in law and I are going to FL this weekend to meet our birth mother. Exciting? Yes. Nervous? YES. We leave Sunday morning and come back on Tuesday night. I hope its enough time with her. I hope we click. I hope she still likes me. I hope I like her. I hope there are no awkward silent moments. I hope we can bond and form a better relationship and friendship. I have so many hopes for this visit.

Please keep your positive thoughts coming this way. I need them.

6 June 2008- My journey

Thanks everyone for you support and well wishes for my safe flight. It was safe, but not fun. Im exhausted and cant think hard enough to recap everything, but while I was in transit I journal'ed the old fashioned way. Yup...Im my real journal on real paper with a real pen. So Im going to just type what I wrote the last 3 days of my journey for you all to read. Warning- this could be long as I had plenty of time on my hands. It begins here:

Thursday June 5th 2008
Well, somehow with the time zones it is Thursday June 5th for the 2nd day in a row. Weird huh? Space A sucks. Here I sit at the departure gate at Honolulu International Airport and I'm on the verge of tears and for what reason I dont know. PMS might be sneaking up on me, or the fact that this trip was so long, costly, gives me time to think and because I've only had 4 power naps at about 10 minutes each so far sitting in the upright position. Space A sucked but I dont know if it would have been so bad if Nick was with me. I miss him already. Pathetic? Nah, just love. I swear we are attached the hip. Makes for the absolute perfect marriage and I am so lucky. So lucky that my husband wants my dream as much as I do and so lucky that he is letting me sacrifice so many things for the dream we both want together. 8 1/2 years later and distance STILL makes the heart grow fonder.

Anyways, Thursday June 5th Guam time at 0245 we wake up and go to the AMC terminal on base at a little after 0300 after I say goodbye to our cats. :( and we sit there until 0500. Only 10 space available seats were open and with me being a Category (CAT in military terms) 5 our of 6 CATS I had no chance of getting on that flight as well as the flight that was 15 minutes later. So, we were told we could leave (we live just down the street from the terminal) and be back at 0940 for check in and then role call and with 73 open seats I would be fine for that flight. So we go home, I lay on the floor with a pillow and blanket to love on the cats, watch Nick play his PS3 and chat with him, squeeze in a shower and a 10 minute power nap with my Pooh Bear. Then Nick decides we should head to the terminal a little early just in case people decide to show up and sign up for seats. We get there at 0900 and people are already role called and checking in their luggage. We find out the flight had been bumped up 2 hours and no one called us. If we were just 1 minute later I wouldnt have made it onto the flight. What was meant to be, happened though. All seats were filled and over-booked by 1 person. So the lowest CAT person was bumped off the flight. If not for that person, I think it could have been me. My bag got checked in right away and it all hits me. I hold back my tears as we say goodbye. I cant believe Im traveling to the other side of the Earth, alone.

Here is where the journey really begins.

We sit at the departure gate for about 30 minutes, then hop onto a hot, no a.c. military style old shuttle bus to take us to the bird. We pull up the bird and oh crap...it is a C17. (If you dont know what one looks like, look it up!) We sit on the bus for another 30 minutes, sweating, kids crying, as 2 fuel trucks fill the bird and load masters load the luggage. We get on the plane and oh crap again...No windows, No comfy seats, nothing. Not 1 thing to make this trip the least bit comfortable. After all, it is a military aircraft meant for cargo, not passengers. Im sitting directly in front of the ladder chute that goes directly into the lower cargo area. I can see our luggage straight down. I can touch the ladder with my foot, the WHOLE ride. As we are sitting there people start sweating bullets like I have never seen in my life. Im not a sweater and I was soaked- and I have to wear these clothes for the next 3 days. My hair was wet, my shirt wet, I can feel the sweat dripping all down my back making for wet waisted jeans. YUCK, and it just began. There was zero AC or air circulation at all. So what do I think? Great, on the way to Hawaii people are going to pass out from heat exhaustion and the plane will fail from the engines getting overheated. After all, it was an OLD plane that squeaked. Ice water from paper cups and those big ugly orange Air Force igloos starts being passed around. Then they tell us we are being removed from the plane back onto the shuttle bus, back to the departure gate, in AC, 30 minutes after we are sitting there. Another 30 minutes goes by and we are still on the plane sitting- but the AC had been repaired and off we go. Soon enough we are all freezing. This plane was not meant for passengers. It was L-O-U-D, loud. I was right directly in front of the ladder area to the cargo below so the loudness was magnified from the echo coming up to me. I wore ear plugs the entire ride. This plane should be used for what it was meant for, cargo begin dropped from the air into war zones. Not for people, not even animals. 8 hours of this. I seriously never thought it would end. Worst travel experience of my life? Sure was. Was it worth it. Sure was. Why? It saved us nearly $2,400.00 and brought me closer to my princess.

So we land at Hickam Air Force Base, in Honolulu, Hawaii at 0130 local time. But its not Friday. Its Thursday June 5th, all over again. We get off the plane, get luggage pretty fast and I go to the AMC desk and ask how to get to the airport. The shuttle bus just did his last pick up 30 minutes ago. Crap. So I meet a guy who also needs to get to the airport who is also headed to Philly. We split a taxi fare, show up a the airport hoping to buy a ticket to Philly soon. Its now close to 0230. Taxi drops us off an dafte r10 minutes of walking around like 2 lost souls in an empty airport someone tells us its closed. They dont open until 5 or 6 am. So I panic and call Nick and as soon as I hear his voice I just want to sit on the floor and sob. I just wanted to be home. But instead I thought of the reason why I was there and it made it all worth it. Nick looks up tickets for me and the next flight to Philly isnt until 1235 pm. AHHHHHHHHHH! I have to spend 10 hours in this airport? Now I really want to cry. I about lost it right there. I was so tired and I just wanted to cry. I think God had the other guy there to help me get through it. I dont know what I would have done had he not been there with me.

While waiting, I took 3 power naps, had a diet coke, chips from a vending machine, did some word searches, watched weird people and had some conversation with the guy in the same boat. It was nice to have each other there. One of us would watch the luggage while the other would ge tup and walk around to stretch, take a power nap, go the bathroom and what not. I find out he was Army, switced to Navy and trying to become a chaplain. He is a reservist part time and a minister at his church when he is not serving the country part time. He was coming from Japan and had been trying to get back home to New Jersey for 17 days now. So, I couldnt complain anymore about my trip compared to his.

Eventually 10 hours do pass somehow and my 2nd flight begins luggage check in. I get my boarding pass and race through the airport. The first pay phone I see I call Nick and hearing makes me feel so much better. I find departure gate 23, grab a soda and pasta salad and sit down and eat. I hadnt had anything to eat in 18 hours, since my AMC flight sandwich and the vending machine chips and soda. Needless to say I inhaled that pasta salad. Then off the bathroom I went- washed off with baby wipes, (I am dying for a shower at this point) applies some fresh deodorant and brush my teeth as the girl at the sink next to me washing her hands looks at me funny. I just wanted to blurt out, "Look, after 2 days you would be doing this too!" Then I walk around a bit and find myself one of those nice neck pillowes for just $13.00 (which later became one of the best things I ever bought) Wish I had that on that AMC flight. And here I am, on my way to Los Angeles California.

This flight went great. It was 5 1/2 hours and I actually got some sleep. This plane was a boeing 767, big and comfy and quiet. They served "lunch". 4 bite size pieces of chicken, a spoonful of mashed potates, a spoonful of green beans, 4 fork fulls of salad and small roll with butter. Oh and a small brownie that I didnt eat. Yuck. I got to sit next to real nice older lady who seems very genuine. I told her all bout our adoption after she asked why I was traveling and I found out lots of things about her and her family. Over all it was a great flight.

For my next flight from Los Angeles to Cincinnati I was sitting at the gate eating my McD's happy meal when a guy sat next to me. He struck up a conversation with me, asking where I was coming from and where I was going. I thought he was nice but questionable and weird. I thought he smelled like alcohol but I wasnt sure. And his eyes were red. He asked me where McD's was (which by the way, you walk right past it getting to our gate and you CANNOT miss it) so I told him where it was and he said he would have gotten some if he wasnt looking for alcohol. Hmmmm. Then I find out he was in jail the night before for 10 hours for domestic dispute but supposedly did "nothing" wrong and in CA when you are arrested for that you automatically get a restraining order against you. Yeah. So I got up and left and stood with a group of other people who couldnt find seats while they waiting to board.

This flight was a boeing 757, 4 hours turned into 4 1/2 hours because we couldnt go through Kansas- I believe it was- because of some storms. This flight felt longer than my previous longer flight. I was between 2 people, one who snored and another who was just weird. I had no elbow room.

And here I am on my final flight, finally. I have seen Thursday June 5th twice and saw 3 sunrises- 2 from the plane and 1 in Hawaii from the airport and I am tired of baby wipe baths and am desperate for a shower. This flight is a small plane, only 4 seats per row and plane isnt even half full so I got to have a window seat. I would have been able to sleep for this hour had it not been for the annoying guy behind me, but more on him later.


I have arrived safely. I am in PA now at my parents-in-law's house. It was so good to see them. After all of this now I have to book my flight to Florida. But this flight, I am very much looking forward to.

4 June 2008

Im so sorry for being a slacker ladies. Im really just slacking on the blog and on nothing else. We have been busy. I will be in the big metal bird in about 15 hours or so. Im taking a military hop, aka, space-a. I have to be at the base terminal at 3:30 a.m. tonight, or techniclly tomorrow morning. Take off is at 4:45 a.m. I land in Hawaii and if I were to continue to take the military bird via space- available I would have an 18 hour layover. Instead when I land in Hawaii I will take a shuttle bus to the off base airport and purchase a ticket and fly commercially to Philadelphia, PA. There I will wait for my father in law to pick me up. Honestly, I wish I could skip this whole flight. I dont mind flying but just 3 months ago we did this flight and I hated it so much I remember telling Nick I will never do this again until we are moving from Guam. HA. ....but it is all for the best cause in the world and I wouldnt change it for anything.

Once in PA I will arrange to get to FL to meet our baby's birth mother and her family. This is so exciting. OUR baby's birth mother!! I cant wait to someday be able to tell baby girl all about this meeting and all about her birth mother. I plan to spend 3 days with her so we can get to know each other. I cannot wait to see that belly of hers. How am I going to resist bending down and kissing it and not making myself look like a fool right there at the airport? I have no idea!

After this meeting, I think I might be comfortable enough to announce baby girl's name. We shall see.


For all who asked, yes I will still be able to blog. The parents have a computer and I should have plenty of time to blog.

Im so sorry my blog has been so boring lately! I promise to try to be better at this!!

Wish me safe and fast flight!!

It's June already wow! Just thought I would check in. Our computer took a dump on us so Im using the laptop....you know, the one I HATE typing on? Yeah, that one. You hit a key on the dumb thing and it doesnt type that letter unless you try by pounding on the stupid thing.

Anyways, the adoption is still, (Thank you God) going smoothly. We did figure that we are about $3,000 short of the money we owe the attorney so Nick has started selling parts off of his car. The non-stock parts and then when those parts are gone I think he will be putting up a for sale sign in her. It breaks my heart watching him tear his car apart. His pride and joy, the one thing he can go to when life is stressful. But we know this baby is more important then a car, so be it.

Im going to be flying back to PA this week. It is very crazy to know these are my last days in my home without a baby. I cannot wait to hear a baby through our house. I plan on getting to PA by the weekend. Then once I am there I will book flights to FL to meet our birth mother. Her and I are so excited to meet each other. My mother in law is goin with me so it should be fun. A nice few days get away to FL. Then back to PA we go and wait for Nick to join us mid July. And then off Nick and I go to FL for the birth of baby girl. And then back to PA for 3-6 weeks until her passport comes in.

Its all so much to look forward to, I can hardly contain myself.