claire

a disclosure

I hope you dance!

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May 19th 2011 12:30pm: We just found out that mom has breast cancer. She detected a lump on the right side last week, and underwent few tests. On Monday, results reported that it was not cancer. It was a relief for us. But today (Thursday), other tests proved that it is cancer.

She’s not home yet, still at the hospital with my brother and aunt to run some more tests…

At first, my mind went blank. I didn’t want to believe. I was doing laundry and was about to hang the clothes out in the sun, when I overheard my brother on the phone with my other brother asking “What? Cancer??”. I walked straight up to the terrace, did my thing, trying to take my mind away from the bad news. I came down, went to my room, played “I hope you dance” by Lee Ann Womack (which happens to be on my desktop because I downloaded the video just yesterday, and didn’t move it to the song folders yet) and started to cry.

I know I should be optimistic and everything, but these ugly thoughtless thoughts are creeping into my head right now! The thought of not having a mom.. God why is this happening? The thought of not having mom by my side on my wedding day, she wouldn’t be there to hold my children someday; the thought of explaining to my nieces and nephew that grandma would go to heaven soon. I went to the bathroom several times to wash my sloppy face. I went to see what dear old dad was doing; he had fallen asleep. The thought of dad who would sleep alone in their bed one day brought my tears back. I went to the kitchen, looked at the dining table, and again the thought of mom’s seat that would be empty someday made me cry. I opened my blog, read what I wrote for mom’s birthday last year “Mom’s 63rd birthday”, it made me happy to have written that post, because it is going to be a reminder for me every coming year now. I wish she’d live to see her 64th birthday this year, and next year, and the next and the next… Oh God, I’m literally crying and typing right now. Shucks!!

And so, they came home in the evening. She was showing her happy face. She knew I had been crying. I mean come’on! Who would not notice my red nose and sore eyes? My aunt (nutei) prayed. Later, cousin Maremi and Prissy’s family all came together, and we had a family prayer. Cousin read Philippians 4:4-7, which was very comforting. She believes that this cancer is clearly not going to kill her, but rather a wake-up call for all of us, to reach out to God. I believe that too! I’m going to do whatever I can to make mom happy. She’ll be undergoing an operation most probably by next week. So please please please remember my mom in your prayers.

Trust in the Lord for “His ways are different”.

Half a bottle of Rum left

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He woke up to the sound of her scream; it was four in the morning. He rushed to her bedside and found her shivering, scared and confused. He held her hand with tears in his eyes, “I don’t want you to die……….”

She had been drinking all her life, ended up in the hospital many a times. The doctor’s advice had always been the same – STOP DRINKING, YOUR LIFE IS IN DANGER. She tried. God knows how much she wanted to quit. She could stay sober if she wanted – yes, IF she wanted. However, she always failed quitting. It was killing her, literally.. but the invitation she gets is tempting, the sweet calls were always so hard to resist.

“Come with us, we miss spending time with you, if you don’t want to drink, that’s ok. We just need your company.”

Is’nt that sweet?

“I can just go with them if I want to, staying sober doesn’t mean I cannot socialize, I can do both!” was always her final decision.

There she goes again. “Just one sip would do me no harm”... The one sip turned to a glass or two, which quickly turned to a bottle or more. Finally, a few bottles she would take home and hide, so that she could proceed in his absence.

She continued day and night for the next few weeks until she lost her appetite. She could not eat. She could not sleep. Every time she got to her senses, she felt guilty and wanted to stop. But she couldn’t. She would rather feel nothing and stay drunk. She could not walk straight, she has no strength, her body is too weak. She was killing herself yet again.

That morning, she woke up from a bad dream, to find blood dripping from her ears and nose. Things were getting serious.

“Let me take you to the hospital”

“No”

“Do you want something to eat?”

“No”

“Do you want me to pray?”

“Hah! Forget about it! Don’t ever try to talk me into it.”

They stayed quiet for a moment. He kept praying inside, “Lord, Help me to help her.”

He asked her, “What’s your favourite verse from the Bible?”

With an irritated look , she replied “Oh please! I know what you are trying to do. I do not believe in God, and I do not have any favourite verse! Just stop whatever you are trying to do!”

He continued patiently, “Well, mine is Psalm 37:5, whenever I am down and in trouble, this verse gives me hope.”

There was silence for a while. She lit up the cigarette with her shaky hands and puffed it twice.

“Hey bro…” She suddenly muttered, “What’s that Bible verse we used to learn when we were kids? About God being our shepherd…?”

He ran to his bedside, grabbed his Bible, quickly returned beside her, turned to Psalm 23, and read it out for her. “The Lord is my Shepherd and I shall not want……” She listened to it till the end and told “My favourite, is the fourth verse.”

“Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me”

She is starting to reciprocate. All this is very new for both of them. This is the first time in three decades that they ever had a real brotherly-sisterly talk, and to talk about verses from the Bible? Very rare!

“Bro, are you afraid that I would die? You should know that I am not afraid.”

He could not control his tears. “My darling sister, I don’t want you to die, but most of all I don’t want you to die without your soul being saved. We all have to die one day, but if you are born again in Christ, we can be together in heaven. Ask Him for forgiveness. And for your faith to grow, you need to attend church services, pray and read the Bible.

She quickly argued. “Ok! I may believe in Jesus Christ, but I don’t see the point why we should go to church. All these so called church dignitaries such as KTP leaders, and the members, they are all fake. FAKE FAKE FAKE! They say they work for God, but I know so many of them doing ungodly things."

“Sis, it is not about them. It is between You and God. You have to be very clear about this. Don’t ever let anyone come in the way. On judgement day will you tell Jesus that you have not been good just because of this or that KTP leader? Is he or she worth an excuse? It is not for us to judge. The Lord will deal with them. Put your trust in God alone. I want you to read Micah 7 when you find time. You have to watch in hope for the Lord, you have to wait, He will hear you.”

She kept quiet, stubbed out her cigarette in the ashtray, took a deep breath and looked at him.

“How can I be born again in Christ? I am a sinner. I do things, which is bad for me. You know how much I want to quit drinking. I know its killing me, but the more I try to stay away, the harder it gets.”

“Sis, I know how much you want to quit. You can… not with your own will, but with Jesus as your strength, you can. He loves you no matter what you have done and He want to use you. All you need to do is pray and ask Him to forgive you. Surrender yourself to Him. It’s that easy.”

“But I don’t know how to pray. Will you help me?”

And so he prayed. She repeated after him. In the end, she prayed out by herself. “Lord, I have made a promise to You and I will keep it.”

She told him “There’s half a bottle of rum left lying under my bed, can you please throw it out for me?”

Was he glad! The Lord has answered their prayers at that instant!

Since then, she has kept herself away from alcohol, till today.

"Anything is possible, with God"





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