I can...

I can't believe it has been about five months since I hurt my ankle in July! If you don't know the story, you can check out my last blog post, titled, "I can't..."

Today I want to share a different story and some thoughts I have been having these past couple of weeks. 

Over the summer, our temple was closed for renovations for three months. This was a bummer for me, because before it closed, I made it a point to go every week. It was such a blessing to go and get guidance and peace. I felt closer to my Heavenly Father there, and it really became a place where I could shut out the world and think about the things I was struggling with.

The temple reopened the first week of October. Before it opened, I thought about how getting there would be harder since I was in crutches, but I knew I HAD to start going again. I needed the feeling of peace and reassurance even more now!

The first day back, was not easy. It was hard to carry my bag through the parking lot all the way to the locker rooms. I remember crying in the locker room after my session because I knew I was going to have to go back to real life and live my nightmare all over again. I remember begging Heavenly Father for help. I told him that I just needed reminders that He was there. 

As I walked out of the temple, struggling with my bag, a man tapped me on the shoulder and asked me if he could carry my bag to my car? Without hesitation, I said, "Yes," and he helped me to my car. As I was about to get into my car, he said, "Thank you for letting me help you. I have been praying to know how I could help someone today." Obviously, I bawled my eyes out the whole way home. I was SO grateful both of our prayers had been answered.

Throughout the next couple weeks, the temple continued to give me peace and strength in my life. I noticed miracles would happen for me after going. God truly was answering my prayers and lifting my burdens.

.....

Lets transition to life outside of the temple. As mentioned, I have been in crutches for about 4 months. It has been hard. Doing simple tasks has been hard. When it snows, it is hard. Dealing with Doctors has been HARD. After being in a boot and crutches for a couple of weeks, my Podiatrist referred me to neurologist. Long story short, I had an EMG done to check to see how my nerves responded,  and I had an ultrasound on my leg to see if there was a compressed nerve. After these tests, my neurologist called me and told me everything looked great and to look forward to Physical Therapy. I felt happy that things seemed to be getting better. I started Physical Therapy and started seeing improvement in movement and strength. My Physical Therapist told me that she was going to get me out of crutches by Thanksgiving. I was so excited about this, but also a little doubtful because I still didn't feel strong enough physically. Thanksgiving was a week and half away.

My Physical Therapist told me she wanted me to try and walk with one crutch for the whole week. I tried the best I could, but struggled. That weekend, I had a studio recital and got around on one crutch while helping students. I was on my feet for a good three hours, which was a lot for me. I felt it for the next two days. I also started getting nervous about the condition of my foot. It was still bluish, purple and extremely cold.

That next Monday, I went to a follow up with my Podiatrist. I told her my concerns, and she wrote them off. This angered me. I was happy that I was physically getting stronger, but there were still some things that were not improving and I wanted answers. No one had really given me answers on what was going on. Just speculations. I decided it was time for me to get some more opinions and I started making phone calls, collecting records and making appointments.

Wednesday, I went to the temple. As I sat in the temple, I fought the emotions that I was feeling from earlier that week. I fought them until towards the end I couldn't fight them anymore. I completely lost it. I was bawling my eyes out for all to see. I had to try and force myself to breathe. I was embarrassed by the amount of sniffles in a place that was so quiet.

The truth is that being in crutches has been extremely hard, but it is only the cherry on top of the other things I have been going through. I have made it no secret that Kevin and I have been struggling for the past 10 years, but I have learned how to live through those trials. This was something I wasn't feeling like I was living through very well. My whole life had turned upside down. Things I prided myself in doing, I could no longer do. Dealing with doctors triggered emotions from when I was trying to figure out why Kevin and I couldn't get pregnant. Its hard not having answers.

Although, I had completely lost control of my emotions, I was realizing that I wasn't crying because of how hard everything had been. I lost it because I felt the spirit testify to me that the Lord knew. The spirit testified to me that the Savior had suffered and died for me that he knew I couldn't see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I would be able to walk by Christmas. I felt comfort and love and peace, fear, doubt, embarrassment (because everyone was watching me) all at the same time that I couldn't hold back my tears or my emotions as I tried to make sense of it all.

Fast forward to Thanksgiving Week. On Sunday the Young Women had a lesson about gratitude. The teacher of the lesson asked the Young Women how they had seen God's hand in their life that week. I reflected on my experience in the temple, but also thought about something else I had learned there and had been thinking about all week. 

As I sat in the temple during my session, I thought about Adam and Eve and how the Lord had placed them in the Garden of Eden. They had everything they could possibly want or desire. There was no pain, no wickedness, no heartache....However, when Adam and Eve made the choice to partake of the fruit, they were taken out of the Garden of Eden. They now had to work, and experience pain, heartache, wickedness....but did that mean that they didn't have beauty in the world around them? They still experienced sunsets, love, success, peace. In fact, because they experienced those hard things, they learned to appreciate the amazing things they had. They were able to experience true joy! Therefore, it is through our trials that we are able to experience appreciation and true joy!

Later in the week, my physical therapy appointment was cancelled because of a huge snow storm. I made an effort to really work on my exercises, and use one crutch all week. It was difficult at times, but I could feel myself getting stronger. A couple times, I was brave enough to take a few steps without crutches to grab things from my pantry while I cooked and cleaned. As the week went on, I found myself able to walk more without my crutches. On Thanksgiving, I felt gratitude that I was able to walk across my apartment without crutches! I am still too weak to do more than that right now, but my Physical Therapist was right. She was able to get me our of crutches by Thanksgiving.

Lastly, I want to say that I know that God and my Savior exist. They are real, and I know I wouldn't be able to experience true joy, gratitude, and peace right now without the trials I have been given. My trials haven't been given to me as a punishment but as a blessing. I see people differently. Some people have physical disabilities or crutches, others are suffering emotionally and you can't see the pain they are enduring. But, I know that the Savior truly knows our sorrows and is there to help guide us just like a Physical Therapist does. He can walk with us and help us gain the strength that we need to push on. He is there as a guide if we turn to him and trust him, even when it doesn't seem possible.

I have spent hours writing all of these experiences and thoughts just to let the world know that I KNOW---HE LIVES and MIRACLES STILL HAPPEN! You can experience joy in midst of trial. I am thankful for trials.

I can't...

It seems like Sunday is my vent day lately...

I am struggling.

I feel like I literally can't do ANYTHING!

* I can only put half of my dishes away, because I am too short to reach the top shelves. I used to be able to stand on my tippy toes or climb my counters, now I can't do that.

* I can't vacuum

* I can't fold laundry because I can't transport my laundry basket to a room where I can do that.

* I can't leave my apartment very well, because I live on the 2nd floor.

* I can't climb the stairs to get back to my apartment.

* I can't mop my floors because the bucket of water is too heavy for me to try to mop.

*I can't carry dishes to my kitchen table

I'm sure there is more....it feels like every simple task is too hard for me to do now.

It is SO frustrating to not be able to live my normal life and to have to ask Kevin for help every time he turns around.

I feel depressed, because I feel like all I can do is sit on the couch or lie on my bed.

My foot was starting to feel a little better on Thursday. I was starting to think..."Maybe I won't need surgery. Maybe when I get my MRI, it will just say that I need to rest it, and things will go back to normal.

I just realized, I never updated this blog. On Wednesday, I went to my Podiatrist for a follow up and to get an X-Ray. My doctor was very concerned about my foot and ankle when she looked at it this time. She felt my foot and asked me, "Is your foot cold?" I kind of looked at her confused, "I guess, but I put ICY-HOT on it this morning, so...". "No...your  left foot is a couple degrees colder than your right foot. And it's DISCOLORED!" I'm slightly embarrassed that I didn't notice all of this until she pointed this out.

After I got an X-Ray, she came in and told me that I didn't have a sprain or a fracture, but the look on her face made me feel very worried. She told me she wanted me to get an MRI so we could see if I had torn something. The way my foot looked was very concerning to her. 

Surprisingly, I didn't cry in her office this time. I felt validated. All this time, I was telling people that my foot hurt very badly and it was getting worse...but in the back of my mind I kept feeling like maybe I was being a baby about the whole thing.

When I was a kid, I was often told I was a baby when I would complain about something hurting. I was dramatic, but because of this...I felt like no one ever took me seriously and I always questioned myself on whether I was being dramatic. I still do.

Anyway... this week, I am scheduling an MRI. I am nervous about the results. In my mind, I wouldn't be surprised if they said I needed surgery because there are days I can't even sleep because of the pain throbbing around in my foot...but of course, I am hoping for a miracle. I'm actually hoping that I am being a baby about all of this and that I will just have to keep off of it and it will miraculously heal.

Either way, there is going to be a lot of crying. I feel like all I do is cry. Everyday, I have some sort of emotional break down. I am not used to being dependent! I've taught myself to not be a baby and to be an adult. Now, I can't even adult.

I'm having a hard time...

I don't write here very much, but I just felt like I really needed to express myself in writing today.

The last month has been very hard for me.

I walk our dog every day, and try to take him on hour long, 3 mile walks if it's not too hot. About 4 weeks ago, after walking Rocky and teaching a bunch of lessons, I started having pain in my left foot and ankle. It was the kind of pain you get when your feet are tired and you want a foot rub. So, I got a tennis ball and started massaging my arches with it and my foot got tighter and tighter and things gradually got so painful, that it hurt to put any pressure on it. I took a warm bath, and that didn't help either. So I went to bed crying in pain.

The pain continued for a week. I could not walk very well, and after a few days I started wondering if it was due to the way I sit on my foot. It kind of felt like things were out of place and I thought maybe my muscles were spasming out because of misalignment. So, I set up an appointment with a chiropractor.

I should also mention, that I also started to notice that I couldn't point my toes normally, or bring my toes towards me very easily.

I brought this up to the chiropractor and he attempted to try to align my ankle. After he played around with it, he told me that I needed to walk on it the next day and things should settle down. I left his office in more pain and cried on the way home, hoping I didn't make a mistake. However, the next morning my foot and ankle felt amazing, so I did what he told me to do and went on a small walk.

It was so happy! I went back to him a couple days later to make sure that we kept my ankle and foot aligned and things continued to be great.

Almost a week later, I started getting the cramping in my feet again, and I also got a horrible charlie horse in my other leg. The pain in my foot came back and I couldn't walk. I felt like it felt a little different and that this time it might just be because I wasn't drinking enough and I was outside a lot in the hot sun when I would walk Rocky, but I was worried because it had now been almost three weeks of this happening off and on.

I scheduled an appointment with a podiatrist because I was sick of not being able to walk my dog and I wanted to know what was wrong and I wasn't sure the chiropractor was going to be able to fix it this time. The podiatrist didn't seem to know exactly what was going on either. And frustratingly, the day I had the appointment scheduled, my foot randomly stopped hurting.

She told me to drink Gatorade and to make sure I was taking my vitamins. I felt so stupid for even going in at that point.

I attempted to drink more that week, but after a walk with Rocky, the pain started getting worse. As the days went by, it got worse and worse until I couldn't walk again. The pain was excruciating. I felt like every time I stepped down a muscle was being pulling in my ankle. I couldn't even walk in my apartment. I quickly made another appointment with the podiatrist because I really wanted to get to the bottom of this. At this point it had been 3 weeks of this recurring issue, and I was sick of not knowing if I would be able to walk my dog or not. I wanted to make sure I got in while I was in excruciating pain this time, so that she could help me.

When the podiatrist asked me what was going on, I told her everything I was feeling and started crying because I was so frustrated. I felt like such a baby, but I just didn't know what was going on and why this was happening.

She touched my foot in different places, and asked if it hurt. It didn't. I explained that the only time it hurt was when I was putting weight on my foot and made the motion of walking. That's when I felt like a muscle was being stretched like a rubber band and it hurt.

She told me she didn't think it was broken, but she wanted me to immobilize my foot for 3 weeks. She thought that it could be tendinitis.

She gave me an ankle brace. When I left, I was heart broken and I was frustrated because the next week, Kevin and I were supposed to have a fun week in the mountains. I had been waiting all summer to go hiking and camping and spend time with Kevin and Rocky. Hiking was out of the picture, and if I couldn't hike or hardly walk...Camping seemed unreasonable too.

Kevin and I changed our plans, but the last two weeks have been SO HARD for me.

I hate that I can't walk my dog. I know it sounds stupid, but that time was precious to me. It was basically my break from doing chores and teaching. It was time I felt like I could enjoy the outdoors. I got great satisfaction out of watching my dog explore, sniff around and watching him pant to the point that it looks like he's smiling.

After I was told to immobilize my ankle, I had to take him to dog parks every day and he didn't seem to like it much. He would just stand around and stare at me. He didn't get much exercise and the whole week he seemed depressed to not be getting his walks.

I also realized from this experience that I have some emotional scars from my past. I felt like a baby. I felt like other people were judging me. I kept having thoughts go around in my head that I should just suck it up and walk through it and it would eventually heal....but after thinking about this, I would remind myself that it had already been three weeks of this and I did walk through it and it hadn't really healed. In fact, every time the pain came back, it got progressively worse.

The next week, Kevin and I tried to have fun despite not being able to camp or hike. We went out to eat a lot, we went to a shooting range, we went to the movies, and had a day at the pool. It was great to have Kevin home too because he could walk the dog for me.

It has now been two weeks, and so far I am not in pain, but I also haven't really been walking so it will be hard to know if things are really better until I can walk.

One thing that has been scaring me a bit though is that I can't seem to point my toes with out my whole foot shaking. I have never had an injury like this, and it has been really hard to feel like I can't do anything. I feel like my whole life has been flipped upside down, because I feel like I can't clean my apartment and all my chores take twice as much time. My sister gave me crutches because I was really struggling last week with trying to get around my apartment and rest my ankle at the same time.

I feel like healing has sped up a bit since I have had the crutches, but chores are still hard. I am realizing how hard it is to do anything...like carry a glass of water to another room when your hands are already full. I hate not being able to be independent. I hate that "I can't" do things. I am so used to telling myself, "I can". I hate having to ask Kevin to do things for me. I feel needy. I hate having to explain to people what is wrong, because I feel like a baby.

Honestly, this has been a real trial for me. It has been just as hard as the trials I have had from infertility and other personal things, and that makes me feel weak too, because I know others who have it WAY worse than me. It has made me realize that I truly should not judge people bases on their trials, because not being able to move around could be a minor set back to one person, but it could be really hard for someone else.

Anyway....that is what is going on with me. I feel better getting this out. Please pray this heals properly. I am scared that after it heals, something will happen again and I will have to do this deal with this again. I am feeling a little better, but I don't feel completely healed and that scares me. I keep picturing myself immobilized for 6 months and having to do physical therapy and I can't afford that right now. I just really want to be able to live normally again. I want to feel like I can do things. I am also nervous because the podiatrist seemed to question herself when she said she thought I had tendinitis. It's scary to not know how this all started and if it will happen again.

Make Me Whole

Through out the past nine years, Kevin and I have gone through various trials.  I have been pretty open with our infertility struggles, but we have also been struggling with some other personal trials over the past few years.

The past few years have been hard because there is so much I want to share, but I feel like it is not the right time to be so open with our personal struggles.

As many of you know, music is my language. It is who I am. During this difficult time, I have turned to music to help me express my feelings and feel closer to my Heavenly Father.

A couple of months ago, I was praying on whether to audition for the part of "Martha" in Rob Gardner's "The Lamb of God".

 At this time, my heart and soul was heavy with things Kevin and I were enduring. Kevin and I have talked about this many times, but when you endure hard things for so long...you start to feel numb to feeling anything.

It's kind of hard to explain, but you just don't feel happy and you don't feel sad. You don't feel any emotion. You start to wonder if there is something seriously wrong with you. You feel a little broken.

One day, as I was walking my dog, I was thinking of the words from the song "Make Me Whole". This is a song sung by Martha right after Lazarus has died. Many of you know the story, but I have always tried to picture what it must have been like to be her at this moment.

Her brother just died, which is obviously very hard to deal with. The Savior greets her and she pretty much asks him why he didn't come sooner? 'Why did you let him die? I know you could have saved him.' She shows hope in the atonement saying that she knows that her brother will rise again at the last day, but this doesn't take away the pain she is feeling.

In the song, she sings

"Touch my eyes and bid them see that my gaze might pierce the veil,
and behold the wondrous scene that, in dreams, I've long beheld.
Oh touch my heart and bid it know that every sorrow here is but a moments tear,
and thou wilt make me whole again."

I started to think about all the times I have prayed and asked God to help me know what His plan for me was. I've asked Him so many times to help me know why I am going through these adversities...hoping that if I knew His grand plan for me, I could get through these trials faster and learn my lessons. There have been countless prayers to God asking for my sorrows to be a small moment.

"Touch my ears and bid them hear all the glory of thy truth,
That my hope might come of faith and no more require proof.
Oh, touch my heart and bid it know that, while in darkness here, the light is ever near,
and thou wilt make me whole again."

I can't tell you how many times I have asked Heavenly Father to bless me to hear the things I needed to hear from speakers at church or through General Conference. Through my trials, I've always felt like I've had hope that things can be better, but I feel like I am constantly asking for more faith. There have been so many times, that I have wondered if I am doing things on my own. I feel like I am constantly asking Him to prove that He is there. Sometimes it feels like I am in a consistent battle with myself to look for the good around me. Enduring can be completely exhausting at times. There are times I just vent to Heavenly Father and tell him how tired I am. Thankfully, every time I do, he gives me more strength to keep going. I love that even though I feel darkness (depression), that when I plead for His help, I can have His light in my life and I see His hand bless me.

The last verse says...

"Then touch my lips and bid them sing
songs of everlasting praise, that my soul might then believe
and give thanks through all my days!
Oh touch my heart and bid it know that every breath I take is by thy tender grace,
and thou wilt make me whole again."


While I was thinking of all these lyrics, one last thought came to me. I love that Martha asks Christ to make her whole over and over in this song. As I mentioned before, sometimes I feel like a completely broken person. I feel like a piece of me is missing. As I was thinking of this song, it came to me that throughout the scriptures Christ healed the sick, the afflicted and cast devils out of people. He can surely make me whole again. He has healed me before. He has helped me see, helped me hear and helped me testify.

Because I have seen so many blessings over the past years I want to share my testimony that I know that Heavenly Father is there for YOU! I am a very imperfect person. It amazes me that even through my imperfections, that He continues to bless me with the things I need to get through the hardest times. He truly has succored me in so many ways. I WISH I could name all of my blessings specifically. I know through Christ, I can be made whole and so can you!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=azfG6WCJzrY

How to be joyful...

This week, I received the impression a couple of times that I need to write my feelings and life experiences more in my journal.

I used to be a GREAT journal writer throughout high school, but throughout college I slowly started to drift away from it. I think I am lucky if I write in my journal once a year now? Pretty sad.

Anyway, when I was in high school, I used to write frequently...and occasionally I would let my older sister read my journal entries out loud because she always made the most tragic things of my life sound hilarious. Later in college, I read a few entries to my roommate because...I have to admit...I was boy crazy and very dramatic! It was hilarious!

As I was thinking about writing in my journal this week, I kept fighting with myself. Journal writing feels like such a chore these days. I don't feel like I ever have anything to write about. So I thought about blogging. Blogging can be fun...but again...I don't have very much to share. Kevin and I are boring these days...We just work, eat, and sleep. We rarely get out because we're exhausted, and when we do...we just go to Target or eat out somewhere. I doubt anyone cares about our Target trips and pictures of all the food we eat.

During one of these 'fights' with myself, my mind wandered and somehow I was thinking about how much I love self-help books. I love learning how to do different things. I must have been at the Library when I was thinking about this. Then it dawned on me, "Maybe I should write 'How-to's' about things I have learned in life recently to my future self!" I started thinking of a million things I could tell myself and wrote a big long list later that day.

So....because I enjoy typing (I don't write as much when I write by hand) things out, and I don't feel like creating ANOTHER blog just for journaling...I am going to keep my posts/thoughts/journal open to the world. After all, I don't seem to mind having other people read my journal entries...

Disclaimer: Don't get the impression that I am full of myself and I think I know everything because I am writing a bunch of 'self help" posts. Like I said...this is just really thoughts and advice to my future self. And maybe when Kevin and I actually do something worth recording, I will post other stuff. But for now...I'm just going to try to have fun with this. This is super dorky...and I stink at writing...so BEWARE.

HOW TO BE JOYFUL

Dear Ellen,

Life has given you lemons. Actually, this season of life has given you more lemons you know how to deal with at times. However, I feel like I have learned some really valuable lessons in how to make some great lemonade.

1. Pray. There have been times, when I have not wanted to pray because I was too angry or sad and just wanted to cry and be mad. However, I have had the BEST, sweetest experiences from humbling myself and praying. One story I will always cherish, was when I was feeling completely defeated, lost, alone, confused, and scared. I decided that I NEEDED to pray. So I did. I knelt at my bed and just poured out my feelings. As I prayed, I remember feeling like there were angels circled about in my room. It was the most powerful, loving feeling because I KNEW they were there. I wept and didn't dare open my eyes because I knew if I opened them, I wouldn't see anything. But, because I prayed that day...I knew Heavenly Father had sent me help when I really needed it.  He knew I needed people cheering for me to keep going, and to lift my head up and get back to work. It was one of those days, I didn't think I could keep going...but I knew that I could after I prayed. Pray! Morning and night! You will get strength from prayer!

2. Kiss a baby every day. If you can't kiss a baby every day, kiss your other baby ;) (You know what I mean). In all seriousness though. As I have nannied, I have felt so much joy in spending time with the little girl I nanny! She is ADORABLE! She is at the best phase of life, where she is funny and cute most of the time. I know this is kind of impractical advise, because you won't be a nanny forever, so I included kissing your husband. He is also super cute and funny. If you take time to do this everyday, you will be able to cherish so many awesome memories together. So, maybe the real advise is to cherish the amazing relationships you have in your life!

3. Create something beautiful. I can't remember who spoke on this or what conference talk it was...but whoever it was said that 'creating something brings happiness' (something along those lines). This is SO true! Currently, I have been able to really focus on creating (singing) some amazing music. When I am able to do something with the knowledge I have gained from college and create something beautiful, it truly makes me happy and proud. It doesn't have to be music though. Crochet something, make a craft for your home, plan the perfect outfit, make an amazing meal, or create fun with a friend. All these things have also given me that satisfying feeling of pride and happiness.

4. Read from the scriptures every day. This was something I really had to work on....if you're not still doing this (you better be), then start making baby steps. Kevin and I started with 5 verses a night each, then we added 10 verses each, and now (if we're not exhausted) we pretty much read a whole chapter a night (depends how long it is). As you read your scriptures every night, pick one thing that you can relate to and really try to apply it. This has helped me grow so much. You will be surprised at how many verses truly speak to you every day. I love reading my scriptures. I look forward to it every night.

5. Visit Teach. I have a strong testimony of visiting teaching others. I have made amazing friends throughout the years who have truly inspired me. In fact, I probably don't do enough for those I visit teach because I feel like I get more from visiting them than they probably do from me! Honestly! I actually feel a little selfish when I come home from visiting teaching. It is a blessing! When Kevin did externships for a year and a half...I longed to have visiting teachers and to visit teach. Women truly need to socialize in some way or other....and it's so fitting that we are naturally nurturer's.

6. Ask for help when you need it. Ask for prayers, or fasting, or meals, or whatever you truly need. People are always willing to help when asked. This is such a blessing too when you are struggling because you will feel so much love from people who barely know you, but want to help.

7. Be optimistic. This also goes along the lines of counting your blessings. Sometimes, life is just plain hard...but I have found in the last year that there truly is always SOMETHING that you can be happy about. Having a job, having a car that works, being healthy, not getting in a car accident, having time to go to the temple, being too busy to worry, having your own place to live, being able to save money and live with someone for free, etc. There is literally always something to be thankful or optimistic about in every day.

8. Watch uplifting television (but not too much). Every now and then, it is nice to relax on the couch and be entertained. However, too much of this can actually cause depression. Funny story illustrating this... When I was in college, my roommates and I were frustrated with some guys and sick of being single, so we decided it would be a good idea to have a "Hot Guy Marathon". This meant that we watched movie after movie of good looking, chivalrous guys. For example, Brad Pitt in "A River Runs Through It", Mr. Darcy from "Pride and Prejudice"...and some others I don't really remember. It was all just a blur. Well, the next day, we went to church and became very depressed. Watching that many shows, made our situation feel bleaker. So the moral of the story is that too much of a good thing can make you feel depressed about what you don't have and make you more depressed. Does that make sense?

8 a. Read Uplifting Books. Read books that are entertaining or inspire optimism. It's a great way to relax and look at the world in a different way. Still working on this myself, but I have enjoyed it so far.

9. Avoid/ limit social media. If facebook or instagram or whatever you use causes you to compare yourself and become depressed, then you should delete your account for awhile. You will notice so much more happiness. Then when you get facebook back...limit it. This kind of goes along with what I was talking about in #8. It is fun and nice to keep in contact with old friends and acquaintances, but when you are going through some hard trials, it is easier to compare yourself with others (what you have and don't have) and it can become depressing.

10. Eat healthy and workout. Working out is actually really good for people going through a lot of stress. It has been proven to lower stress. Eating healthy will help you not get sick from stress and that's the last thing you want or need on your plate when you are going through something hard.

11.  Have a clean/organized home. Having your dishes done, bed made, things put in their spot is the most relaxing feeling. You won't have added stress because you won't be thinking about all the other things you have to do around the house. This is hard when you are busy. But when you do have the time...clean. The whole process can actually be relaxing. Especially when you put on some good music....Or don't  have music and use that time to think.

So that is all I have for now. This was actually a lot longer than I thought it would be. But, they are great lessons to be learned and have brought so much joy in the midst of tribulation. May it help in the future!

Life as I have known it (this past year)

So, I have been thinking about blogging for a while and decided to write a post today!

It's been A LONG time since the last post, so I guess I will try to fill in some gaps the best I can.

After Kevin graduated, Kevin and I moved back to Colorado and lived with my parents until we could figure out where we needed to be next.

In December of 2013 we moved into our own place in the same stake but a different ward.
When we first lived with my parents, I decided to get a short part time job working at 24 hour fitness...the thought was that by working here I could get a better idea on whether I wanted to try getting certified as a personal trainer, before I spent a bunch of money on it. I started working the front desk, and part time in the kids center. Later, a promotion opportunity came up and I applied and got a job as Kid's Club Supervisor. It was nice having a LITTLE more pay, and being able to put some of my input in things. I LOVED working with the kids and getting to know so many parents, but the longer I worked there the more boring it became and hard dealing with management. I also got to know a lot of personal trainers there. Based off of my observations and conversations with them, I decided that Personal Training was not for me.

As I worked at 24 hour, I also got a job working as a nanny for a family 5 minutes away from us! This was SUCH a blessing! I have gained a great relationship with this family and have fallen in love with their kids. I nanny a 5 (almost 6) year old boy, and a 19 month old girl! Most days, I just watch the 19 month old while the older boy is at school. I enjoy my time reading to her, fixing her hair in adorable hairstyles, kissing her face to pieces, taking her to story time at the Library, and playing with her! She is a doll. She is starting to get to the age where she throws tantrums a lot more though...and will make the "I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm going to test you anyway" look.

The 6 year old boy is pretty good too! We play games a lot. He is a very competitive kid, very happy, and VERY high energy! There are some days I have to drink a "Zipfizz" (energy drink) just to keep up with him. He struggles a bit with independant play, but has been getting better.

During the last few months of my time at 24 hour fitness, I started to think about teaching voice and violin lessons. I had always put off this because it generally takes a year or two to really get a good studio going. However, at this time I was getting really tired of little pay and lots of hours at 24 and I was getting worn out. I knew that if I could get 1 or 2 students, I could get about the same amount of money as I made at 24 and work less hours. So I decided to go with it and started a profile on "TakeLessons" to see what would come of it.

Fortunately, within a couple of weeks I got my first 3 students! For about a month, I was working 3 jobs-24 hour fitness, nannying, voice/violin teacher. I did this just in case I lost students, but after a few lessons, I felt comfortable quitting 24! It has been such a blessing to teach! I LOVE IT! Most of the time it doesn't even feel like I am teaching! I have gained great relationships with my students as well! It's not always roses though. I have had a few students flake out on lessons, not pay, or quit because they got discouraged with playing the violin...but I have learned a lot. I have now been teaching for about 6 months and currently have 5 students!

At the beginning of January, I had a combined recital with a friend of mine that has a lot of piano students. It was a lot of fun, and I really enjoyed watching my students perform! It is very fun to see their progress and watch them accomplish something that is hard for a lot of people to do! I am excited to work on another one, but am also glad it is over so we can work on some new music!

Lastly, in the past year I have been trying to get more performance opportunities for myself. When Kevin was in school, I kind of put singing and music on the back burner...and when we moved back I wanted to get back into it. Last year, I auditioned for the "Colorado Mormon Chorale" and was accepted. I sing in the Soprano section and have loved being able to sing in concerts again. Recently, our Stake and the "Colorado Mormon Chorale" started announcing auditions for the oratorio, "Lamb of God" by Rob Gardner. I have always wanted to be a part of this, so I decided to audition for a solo. I feel so blessed to be able to sing the part of "Martha" in this production. I have never really had the opportunity to sing a solo with a choir and live orchestra before, so this is very exciting!

I am so grateful for all the many lessons, blessings, and experience I have gained in this last year! It has been very hard year for Kevin and me...but I have grown a lot.

My heart is full

This last week I have felt a bit selfish and hard on myself! Life has been so busy lately, with juggling two jobs and choir/ rehearsals that I have not been reading my scriptures like I am used to, I haven't had time to go to the temple, and I'll admit it... Anything that seems spiritually uplifting, I haven't wanted to do because I literally have no time for myself! 

I have had lots of conversations with Heavenly Father about it and everytime I have prayed, I have just felt guilty that I have prioritized other things this week over Him!

Anyway, I am just thankful for reminders from Heavenly Father about what is important and His love for me! 

I feel like he has forced me to take things easy this week with being sick from allergies, but at the same time allowing me to still have a voice so I can sing at my concerts! 

It kind of makes me nervous for tonight though! I feel a huge responsibility to bring the spirit through my singing and I hope I can do so! I feel that is the hardest thing to do when singing church music... To sing well and bare your testimony at the same time!

Here's to hoping that I can repay my Heavenly Father for all the blessings and gifts he has bestowed on me!

Zion Nation Park-Wheat Family Reunion

For Kevin's family Reunion, we went camping at Zion National Park! This was the first time I had really been so it was a ton of fun and it was beautiful! We had PERFECT weather too!

These two were BEST friends immediately! It was SO cute!

 Our Hike to Emerald Pools

Lauren (Kevin's sister) and I

Another fun hike we did was the "Subway". This was a bit harder, but it was the most fun I have had on a hike. It was a 9 mile hike going up and down boulder's, wading through icy cold water, and a few rappel's. 

The Group BEFORE we started our hike ^

 At one point, after we got our wetsuits on, we had to climb through this little rabbit hole, go down some rocks/boulders and wade through some water on the other side. Here is a video, Kevin's brother took of going through the rabbit hole. ^

It was a good thing we brought our wetsuits because some of the water crossings were DEEP and ICY COLD! There's me with my packpack crossing the water! :)

There were multiple Rappel's...this was the biggest.

The whole group except Jen.

 The hike wasn't too hard until right before we had eaten lunch, I was starting to wear out. I hadn't had much water or food to eat until we sat down for lunch because Kevin was carrying all our snacks in his bag and everyone got lost in the excitement of how much fun we were having. The rest of the hike, after lunch, was REALLY hard for me because I don't think my body had registered that I had eaten and had water yet and so I just felt SO DEPLETED of energy! Plus we were climbing up and down boulder's still so I was still USING a lot of energy. I started to panic a bit when I saw that we had a mile and a half of climbing straight up (sorry I don't have a picture of that, but it was intimidating) and I had hardly ANY energy left in me. But I just told myself that the only option was to keep going and to keep drinking water. Luckily, I think my body was finally starting to register the food I had eaten and a whole bunch of energy started kicking in. It was perfect timing!

Us at the car after a long day of hiking! Relieved!

Kevin and I have talked about what we would have changed if we were to do it again, and for me I was would definitely, make sure I had a few snack on me so I could eat along the way. I think it would have made a HUGE difference in how I responded coming out of the subway.

It was a great hike, and I'm sure Kevin and I will try to hike it again! Probably one of my most favorite hikes I've done!

Besides hiking, the family enjoyed smore's and a lot of awesome camping food, and enjoying time talking to each other. Unfortunately,  we don't have other photos of the rest of the trip because Kevin and I made a rule that we wouldn't use our cell phones on this trip and Kevin and I didn't really pull out our other camera! I guess we just lived in the moment! It was a fun trip though! One we will remember forever!

FREEDOM!

After we left San Jose and we were DONE with our LAST EXTERNSHIP, we PARTIED like no one else could party!

We visit Kevin's Grandma for Mother's Day weekend (see Instagram can't upload pics)

We visit Kevin's Aunt, Uncle and Cousins (see Instagram can't upload pics)

We spent a day with Kevin's brother's family (see Instagram can't upload pics)

We spent a day in Las Vegas...Sadly it was too windy so the Bellagio fountains and the Mirage Volcano weren't doing their usual show. We still had fun walking around though!

And then we headed to Zion National Park for Kevin's family reunion!

Our last externship

Okay, okay...I have decided to talk about our last externship because I am sure I will want to look back on this day eventually and laugh. :)

Our last externship was in San Jose. We had gotten word that there was a older couple looking to rent a room to someone and it was SO cheap we didn't dare pass it up!

When I had first talked to the lady renting she had told me that her son was handicapped and that a nurse lived with them and that we would be sharing a bathroom with the nurse. She had also said that she was pretty clean and of course expected us to keep our room/living environment clean. None of this seemed like a big deal to me because I consider myself pretty clean anyway, and I figured that sharing a bathroom with one female wouldn't be bad! Normally, I don't feel comfortable being home alone with another male, but when this lady said her son was handicapped, she had made it sound like he couldn't walk and was practically paralyzed. Oh...and she also mentioned that cooking may be hard because we would be sharing the kitchen with her and the nurse. This didn't worry me either at the time!

So, we head out to San Jose and the first night we are greeted by this pile of stuffed animals and this creepy looking bear. No big deal. I can handle a creepy teddy as long as our stuff can fit in the 10''x10' room. (The older lady eventually moved the pile to another room so we could have more space.) I started to panic a bit that night we arrived because the room, she said she would clean was pretty dirty and we were pretty cramped.

After I slept, I was beginning to feel a little bit better about everything...until I went to take my shower. The bathroom was disgusting! Probably the grossest bathroom I have been in. The bottom of the tub looked black, the toilet was filthy, and there was hair all over the floor. I took a deep breath and just decided I would take a shower and make sure to buy some serious cleaning supplies later.

When I got out of the shower, I opened the medicine cabinet to put some of our stuff away on a shelf designated to us. That's when serious panic set in. I found out we were sharing a bathroom with not just the nurse, but our renter's son and someone had plantar wart medicine, and athletes foot meds. I vowed to always shower with sandals from that day on.

After Kevin calmed me down, I did clean the bathroom and found out that no one ever cleans the bathroom except for the sweet old lady! She really was sweet and the nicest lady I have ever met....but it explained a lot! It was a hard first day there because it was my birthday and everything was not turning out as I thought it would. Fortunatly, Kevin made me feel very special and I knew I would survive because I had someone to help me!

Throughout our time there, I also discovered that her son wasn't handicapped at all and that the nurse that lived with them didn't take care of him. She was from Ghana and was sort of adopted into the family when she was 18...She is now 40. The son had just gotten his cast off and was walking like anyone else would. We learned that he was 56 years old and after really getting to know him, it seemed to me like he was just mooching of his nice mother, who will do anything for anyone!

Despite all of this, things weren't too bad. Since job search/having one car was a problem, I ended up getting a gym membership right by Kevin's externship site and spent my days there and at the library nearby. I didn't feel comfortable staying home alone with a 56 yr old man that I hardly knew. And there were a few other things that just didn't feel right with him.

Cooking was another challenge. Even though I had bought a Slow cooker to make it easier, since I was sharing a TINY kitchen with 3 other women...it was hard to even prepare the croc pot sometimes because the kitchen was so small and anytime I cooked their two cats and dog would circle me, like sharks! I would trip over them constantly! So I didn't cook too often.

Later, we did have an incident where the owner's dog came into our room and pooped on the floor and pee'd on Kevin's board book...but that issue was resolved...and I did find someone's molar in the washer one day when we were washing our clothes...but I kept reminding myself that we were SO blessed to be paying what we were and to have a place to stay for 3 months.

Before we left, we also found out that the 56 yr old son was sleeping with this girl when his mom and dad went to the temple so they wouldn't know. That made me glad I had not stayed home while Kevin was at work.

The day we drove away was one of the best feelings! 1.) We were DONE with externships 2.) I felt like a lot of stress was removed from living in an awkward situation. 3.) We were on our way to do some really fun things with family!

So as you can see...it was a pretty hard externship for me! It was not what I was expecting going into it AT ALL, but we survived and we wouldn't have changed a thing. We were SO lucky to have a place and to be able to save money. We had talked to a few other people in our situation in that area and they were paying ridiculous amounts of $$ to live there. CA ain't cheap! So there you have it...the reason I didn't really feel like blogging for 3 months!