On an early morning in May of 2008, my husband suffered a massive brain aneurysm that he did not survive. This is my recorded journey through the fog of instant widowhood, and my own way of figuring out what to do next.
My Beloved Jonathan
September 5, 1980 – May 10, 2008
Maria
I Lost You: My life after sudden death 
16 comments
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July 2, 2009 at 01:02
Freshwidow
Maria, What I love most (after reading through the first few weeks) is how you are so honest to your religious beliefs (and still exploring) and yet you also listen to real life. I find many Christians, at least many very vocal ones, tend to gloss over difficulties, whereas I find the early Christians found challenge, doubts, and asked hard questions.
It seems to me that we are more alike than we even know. As a Unitarian, I’m exploring my faith in many ways; as a faithful Christian, you are too.
Perhaps this is just the limited group of religious people I am exposed to outside my faith — I know many wonderful people, but I too got a bit sick of hearing “God only gives you as much as you can handle” — but I am impressed with your steadfast faith AND your curiosity and honesty.
LOVE
Supa
May 24, 2010 at 07:33
Candace
Maria, I’ve added you to my blogroll. Please feel free to stop by my blog sometime as well. http://melanomawidow.blogspot.com/
June 8, 2010 at 08:58
Susan
Hey Maria – I so relate to your experiences and am adding you to my blogroll – I’d love it if you’d add mine to yours –
Keep on keeping on,
Susan
April 30, 2011 at 08:23
Boo Mayhew
Hi Maria, I have just found your blog. I too lost my husband to an aneurysm in January 2009. I look forward to reading your blog (right now!)
love boo x
October 27, 2011 at 10:01
M (@MPdaCNA)
Why am I just reading this now? I didn’t realize that you were a part of my Widow-circle, just someone fun on twitter … i will be reading along …
October 27, 2011 at 15:31
Maria
Yep – I’m part of “that” club too ❤
April 19, 2012 at 11:06
Warren
Maria, I too have joined the club, I lost my wife to a drunk driver in front of our house on Sept. 30, 2011. We had been married for 22 years and I thought I was going crazy with out her. But you writings hit home over and over, I am glad I found this. I just want to thank you for letting us see into your world.
Warren
April 23, 2012 at 19:28
Maria
Warren,
I am so sorry!! I hope you find solace here, and at the other great places on the web. Widowedweb and the ywbb are two great places for support. My prayers are with you.
July 12, 2012 at 21:51
Ashley
Maria,
I came across your blog, I became a widow 2 weeks ago at 24 years old. I still dont have an answer as to why my husband died at 30 years old. I came home to find him and did CPR and couldnt bring him back. Im still struggling with the thought hes not coming home. I havent been able to go back to my home and Im petrified. I just dont know where to go from here.
July 13, 2012 at 17:49
Maria
Ashley,
I am so sorry that this happened to you!! What a horrible thing to have to endure. I struggled so much with living in our home after Jon died there. It felt haunted and completely different than before. I couldn’t sleep for a few months. It was terrible. Even though I was cautioned about moving before at least a year, I knew it was the right thing for my daughters and me. Maybe, if you can do it, you might want to consider that? You don’t have to get rid of any of his things, but a different place might give you more peace. Either way, as hard as it is now, things do become easier. When? I can’t say. But I can say that they do, and they will.
Love,
Maria
July 14, 2012 at 20:53
Ashley
Maria,
It feels like a shell of what our home used to be. I felt violated when the sheriffs and coroner tore our home apart looking for evidence and taking things. I feel like I abandoned our home and my mother in law since we lived on her property. Im having my moments where Im ok, but then I grab for my phone to call him and it hits me again. I still dont have a readon of why he passed, I dont have his ashes, I dont even have his clothes from that night. I relive the moment over and over again and I know he wouldnt want that but its so hard having been the one that found him. I will be seeing a grief counselor and going to visit his side of the family soon, but I feel guilty doing anything because he isnt here. Everyone is pulling me in all directions to do different things and all i want to do is hide. I was going to try it for a night and see but Im petrified of the dark because im night blind and dont see well and my husband was the one was able to guide me where i was going even though the past year and a half of his life i was his caretaker. its so hard to be able to function because i based everything i did around his health and his needs because that was more important to me than anything. i wish there was a manual on how to deal with being a widow, i really do.
Love ash
March 8, 2013 at 09:45
sander902012
Maria,
When will your write again. I look all the time. Your writings bring me some sort of peace – they are so what I am feeling in so many ways. My husband died suddenly 5 years ago and I just recently lost my mother. I am still struggling … I miss your thoughts … please share
May 22, 2013 at 03:35
anand ts
Hi Maria,
i felt really depressed by a horrible death of my friend.
and then i gotta see your blog..
He was young, married and his wife was carrying his kid.
They loved and as usual their parents not accepted intially,
later they got their blessings and married.
Last week he met with an accident and now he is no more.
Eversince i couldnt able to concentrate and feel quiet
depressed and dont know how to come over this..
He was young. and it was too early he departed not seeing his kid.
I pray these kinda thing shouldn’t have happened.
Oh.. Almighty please do show some mercy on us.
March 23, 2014 at 03:58
Anonymous
Maria, I just commented on your tribute post to your mother. I read several posts before and since — then clicked on “About” because I just had to know more of your story. I have no idea where you are in your life these days but I am eager for you to write something to someone, somewhere. You are not only a writer but a “writer’s writer.” I too am a writer and an avid reader. You are one of the best writers I have ever read in my 40 years. Absolutely incredible, you are. Please strongly consider writing professionally if you are not already doing so.
July 13, 2015 at 01:34
david
I lost my wife after 3 years of cancer. She was 58 when she died. It’s been nearly 2 years since and I’m awake in the middle of the night looking for help/company in my search for understanding whyi am still here. Your ideas are helpful. Thank you! Thank you so much. You honor your husband by doing this.
August 23, 2018 at 08:05
kim
Thank you for your honesty throughout your process. I too lost my husband unexpectedly in January 2018. I have just hit the 7th month mark and it still feels like yesterday. I have two boys who honestly, like your girls, keep me going. So many times I have wanted to give up but I knew I couldn’t because I want to see my boys have families of their own. My husband would be extremely upset that I would even think about ending things before my time. But I would be lying if I said it didn’t enter my mind more than it should. I have hope for the future and god already has my life planned out so I will do the best I can to continue on. My husband will be forever missed.