The Homestretch...Again

Here we are again...in the homestretch awaiting the birth of our baby. By Sunday, we'll be in the safe zone to give birth at the birthing center again. Even though I have been overwhelmingly blessed with service for the last five months, a wonderful friend has insisted on throwing a baby shower for me and Baby Jane. I didn't want to have one since all of the service rendered our family while I've been on bed rest is more than I could ever ask for. To my unending surprise, the people around me are just so generous and continue to want to help and love us.

As we prepare for the birth of our daughter, I find myself finally starting to get a little nervous about balancing two children under age two! I know moms do it all the time and I want this!!...I'm just also a little nervous and I think that's natural. The nice thing will be that within three weeks of birth or so, I'll actually be able to get up and about, go for walks, grocery shop, take my son to the park, etc. My concerns really shouldn't be affecting me just yet as they are beyond my control and unpredictable at this point. For example, will Jasper be warm and welcoming toward Jane, or will he become needy, competitive, and rough with her? Will caring for Jane become routine more quickly for me than it was for Jasper? I mean, I've done this before, but every child is different. Will she sleep better than Jasper did so I have the energy to care for both simultaneously? I definitely won't be able to nap when she does like I did with Jasper...unless I can get them napping at the same time...am I dreaming? And even sillier...will she have as much hair as Jasper did? If so, I could start fixing her hair with clips and ponies by the time she's 7 months! If not, will she wear headbands at least?

At the heart of it, I trust the Lord and that He will help me the way He knows I need it. He's already shown me that VERY clearly with this pregnancy. The most important thing is that Jane arrives totally healthy and strong and that I keep myself healthy to assist in a quick recovery. I'm looking forward to giving birth again. I know this birth will be different, but I'm imagining it to be even better and to enjoy it more fully. While many women fear birth, I am so thankful to have a positive outlook. We just need to make it to Sunday!

Patiently Waiting with Humility

As I sit here yet again waiting for my precious toddler to be returned to me from a friend, I thought now might be a good time to jot down some thoughts and feelings.

My little one has been away so much because, according to the doctors, my current pregnancy is high risk and I need to be on bed rest. Fortunately, my bed rest is modified, but not much. I can get up to go potty, get myself a drink or snack and shower. Of course, it isn't possible to have someone taking care of my little man all day every day, so I do end up lifting him to and from his high chair during feedings and crib at nap time. It is surprising to me how well he has seemed to adapt to the new circumstances. He understandably gets frustrated with me, but has been reportedly easy and pleasant for anyone who has taken him away for the morning or afternoon. When someone comes over, he almost always goes to them and with them without complaint. Perhaps he knows if he goes with them he will actually get to run around and play with someone! I'm grateful for his wonderful personality and willingness to trust those I allow into my home. My biggest frustration is that I can't be the one who takes him places to play and chases him around and shows him new things like bubbles or digging. But he gives me the sweetest kisses sometimes and shows me he loves me anyway. I also had to stop nursing him to avoid uterine contraction. As I have heard many mothers say, it was easier for him than I expected and harder for me than I expected. I definitely miss the feeling of him being at such peace and feeling so much comfort in my arms that he could just relax and start to doze off in my arms. Yet again, we're still able to show our love for one another.

The greatest blessing has been the extensive network of friends and church family that have stepped up to care for us daily. Every day I fill in and adjust and readjust the schedule for upcoming weeks. Some friends have scheduled themselves on the same day weekly to make things more predictable and that is so helpful! We're talking 2-4 hour shifts of people watching my toddler for me! One friend has been so flexible that she waits to the end of the week to find out where I have scheduling holes and then jumps right in wherever needed. And twice a week, families bring us dinner. It has been a very humbling experience so far. I just hope J continues to be a pleasure and never a big hassle. We're just finishing up week six of bed rest which means we're only a 1/4 of the way through. There are approximately 18 weeks left in this pregnancy, assuming Baby Girl arrives on time. I don't want anyone to get worn out or worn down. We've already battled one cold that even got Daddy sick, but J seems to be recovering just fine.

My bed rest status is the result of a blood clot found behind the placenta. A large blood clot. Although the blood clot seems stable, I am being monitored every other week with ultrasounds and the biggest concern now is that the cervix may become compromised by the frequent blood passing through it. The cervix could soften, shorten, efface too early and perhaps lead to preterm labor. The doctors want to get me to each level of increased viability for fetal survival. The first goal is 24 weeks. Then 28 weeks. A friend of mine from college gave birth to her baby at 28 weeks. The baby was 2 lbs. and they had to stay at the hospital until he reached 6 lbs. I'm definitely favoring bed rest over the early birth and hospitalization potential, so I am happy to get updates every two weeks regarding baby's growth and the health of my body surrounding her. Obviously if we see anything change, I will probably be more concerned, but as it stands right now, nothing is wrong. We are just being cautious. The baby is healthy, I am healthy, I have energy (though I'm not supposed to use it), and everything is fine. There is no need to worry about something that may be nothing. For now, we take it easy, get our check ups, and breathe easy. Stress would only work against us.

To happy babies, happy birthing, and visualizing the best outcome! I'm looking forward to playing with my toddler again, nursing a new healthy baby, and figuring out how to be a mommy of two under two.

Think Before You Speak

A new year, a new...me? I suppose it's not likely that I'll change all that much this year, but there are definitely some changes I'd like to consciously make. I had already been thinking about how I need to speak with more purpose and intention. Frivolously spewing out any thought that comes to mind isn't appreciated. Nor do I like how I feel after I say some things that come out unfiltered. Then a long time friend angrily lashed out at me after I made a sarcastic comment to her. My first reaction was defensive. "You know me," I thought. "I would never say anything to offend you." Reflecting on what I said, though it was indeed misleading, I think it was sort of a compliment. Obviously she did not see it that way and apparently that wasn't the first time I had said something like that. Realizing that the way I chose to phrase my words could indeed be perceived as negative, I quickly and sincerely apologized. Again, I didn't speak intentionally or purposefully. I spoke sarcastically and rash. Another example of how I want to change the way I speak had slapped me in the face. In my heart, I have a large, loving, accepting, and compassionate place that allows me to love people I meet. As I've grown older and seen a trend of behaviors, that place in my heart has seemed to lose patience. I'm more likely to love others at a distance simply because I don't want what I think their behaviors tell me about them influence my life, or worse, my child's life. Perhaps by actively considering things I say before words come tumbling out of my mouth, I can help to soften my own heart toward people again. I don't remember where we heard it, but Adam reminded me of a quote when I told him this was a goal of mine. The quote goes, "Speak to people like you are praying for them." I love that! Prayer starts with faith, meekness, humility, and compassion. Praying for someone renders a heart to serve them. As Jasper gets closer to the age where his language will quickly develop, I know I need to be an example. The words I choose, the way I speak them, and the purpose behind them WILL shape and influence Jasper. Even though that confrontation with my friend is still unsettling to me, it has strengthened my resolve to do better. So if I say something to you that is not loving or intentional or purposeful, PLEASE tell me...gently. We are all imperfect. I am trying. I need gentle reminders, but again, be gentle. I know the Lord will help me too, for my desire to improve is a righteous desire and perhaps one that will assist me in sharing Christ's love. He will assist you in your righteous efforts too. Happy New You Year!

Picking Up and Cutting Back

I just got off of my wood floors which I scrubbed by hand. My reward to myself...blog! ...at least until the baby wakes up from his afternoon nap.

The past few months have been a whirlwind! Visits from friends and family and other varied activities have made the summer go by quickly, which I am so thankful for. Everyone says, "Enjoy every minute! It goes by so fast." Well, I have been enjoying every minute, but I've also been enjoying the fact that it is going by fast. With each new milestone, Jasper is becoming more independent and I'm feeling more like me and more capable of meeting his needs as well as my own needs and the needs of the home. 

Jasper has been growing bigger and becoming more and more fun. We like to have dance parties in our living room after dinner and play together as a family in Jasper's room before night-night time. He started pulling himself up and walking with assistance relatively early, but wasn't crawling. The pediatrician had no issues with it, so neither did we. Then on his nine month birthday (2 days after Adam's family reunion), Jasper began to crawl and cruise around and get into trouble. Not really trouble, but he's learning what is and isn't acceptable to play with and pull on. He tests me by crawling to something he shouldn't touch, looking at me, and then laughing while he reaches for it. As cute as I find him, I resist my urges to laugh and smile. Reinforcing his naughtiness would only haunt me later.

Adam finished his MBA which has been so wonderful for our family time together! Bless him - he always read his books and articles on his lunch break so he could focus on the family when he was home, but for an MBA, an hour at lunch isn't always enough time to get the work done. We're glad to have Daddy back! Jasper is loving play time with Daddy. He even gives Daddy some cuddle time at night which is usually reserved for Mommy during nursing session, but I'm happy to share that most delightful gift of cuddles.

Jasper is eating like a champ! He loves his fruits and veggies and chicken. I make various combos for him and so far he's eaten just about everything. Of course with that, our food bill is climbing. Nonetheless, we are maintaining a strict budget! With large goals just three years or less away, we are making sure that we are tight with our money now so we can reach those goals on time! Some of you might do better than this, but our budget is $112.50/week for groceries. Before you say, "that's not bad..." remember we live in California and this amount includes diapers, wipes, and household items like cleaners and toilet paper. So far, we're making it, but I'm trying to be smart about it. For instance, I knew oatmeal would put me over my budget this week, so I'm deferring to next week and hoping there is a sale at a nearby market. Sometimes I get irritated with some friends on Facebook that post, "Look at all the stuff I got by couponing! Only $5.48 for everything! You should too!" Well, sorry friend, but no. I don't eat Doritos and Hi-C and Twizzlers and Pop Tarts. So, you spent $5.48 and "saved $37" but from my viewpoint, I spent $0.00 on that crap and saved $5.48 more than you did. Tell me how to pay only $5.48 for kale, spinach, butternut squash, sweet potato, organic chicken, tomatoes, zucchini, strawberries, peaches and other things I actually eat to keep myself and my family healthy. 

At first, I thought preparing healthy meals for a giant husband and an infant would be super difficult, but I'm having fun and putting together some pretty great meals. Fortunately, I have a husband who is encouraging me and is willing to eat a simple salad on days I get too busy to be creative. 

In closing, this year has been full of clear examples of how the Lord blesses our family. As a direct result of tithing, we've seen how when some unexpected cost arises, there is suddenly money coming in that was also unexpected. We've been able to maintain a steady course toward maintaining our goals. There is still work to be done, but in the meantime, meager living is a blessing. We are exercising self-control, diligence, and patience in hopes of eventually attaining complete self-reliance.   

Here are some pictures from the year so far for your viewing pleasure...

Slowing Down

I feel like Jasper's progress has slowed down. He was gaining weight so well, rolling over, etc. and then he got hit with RSV and an ear infection. It's been nine days, he's been on meds since last Thursday, but it seems like it's never going to end. Jaz is still sleeping in his own room, but per doctor's orders, is sleeping in his car seat instead of his crib so he can breathe easier. I'm sleeping propped up too due to my own congestion, but I'm barely getting any sleep because Baby is waking every 2-3 hours instead of the every 4-5.5 hours he was doing before. Yesterday he was wide awake by 5am and today by 4:30am. Meanwhile, I feel a little overwhelmed as I've taken on three new projects on top of trying to get my little lovey-dove healthy. Missing theater, I auditioned for a musical revue and landed a lead singing part! I'm super excited to perform, but it has been sooooo long and I'm a little rusty. Also, I'm consulting and doing work for TV Guide Network's red carpet shows again this season. I'm a little bummed I won't be on site for show days, but I'm not ready to leave Jasper for that long yet. Fortunately, I still get to be a part of the show in some capacity. Thirdly, my old preschool asked me to return on Fridays for 45 minutes to teach P.E. to the Kindergarteners. They offered to watch Jaz for that time and I accepted. Each of those activities got me really excited and I definitely want to do all of them, but I just got this feeling that I suddenly took on too much too fast. I know I can do it and I will. I'm sure I'll be glad I did them all and when they're done, I'll probably find something else to beef up my activity schedule. Everything starts in February, so I'm REALLY hoping Jasper fully recovers this week. Adam's busy schedule calms down come February which means I'll have some help.

To a New Year That Promises Many "Firsts"

As a new year begins, I need to express deep gratitude to my Heavenly Father for my many blessings. Although the year started with multiple sicknesses for me, we found out I was pregnant shortly before my grandmother passed away. I was able to say "goodbye" and "I love you" to her just hours before she went. We also lost our cat Peyton.

Each month we grew in anticipation of the arrival of our son and purchased a new home which we moved into while I was five months pregnant. I enjoyed doing CrossFit three days a week up to that point. Soon I got heavier and heavier making each day teaching preschool a little harder and the slow progress of home renovations more frustrating. When the birthing time came though, I was so pleased with our decision to use a midwife. Here is the birth story:

The morning of October 15th, I lost my mucus plug in the early hours, then met a friend at the park before joining her for breakfast. Good thing I got a good meal in me! My appointment was at 2:30 or so and I was told to take it easy. So I did my grocery shopping, pausing only twice for mild contractions, then went home to rest as told. Relaxing on the bed to my Hypnobabies tracks, I monitored contractions with an app on my iPod. Adam called from work at 5:30pm to check in. I told him I was fine and he was going to fax something before heading home to me. As we hung up, I heard a sound like a water balloon popping and gushing. My water broke! I called Adam back immediately and he rushed home to me. 

By the time he got home, my contractions were close enough to head to the birthing center. Adam packed the car quickly but it seemed like forever and we arrived by 7pm. The birthing waves were stronger but still not very bad. I didn't want updates on my progress or lack there of if that was the case because I just wanted to focus on relaxing. I took cues though. When the midwife told me I could get in the tub, I knew I had progressed. Adam was so good & patient & encouraging throughout the whole experience. Eventually the bath felt too warm, though I think I was in there for quite a while. The midwife checked me when I got out and helped me push out some extra tissue before telling me to get in whatever position I was most comfortable. I was most comfortable standing. 

At the foot of the bed I stood; leaning forward on my elbows and resting my head in my hands. With each contraction, I squatted and pushed involuntarily. After each push I prayed to Heavenly Father that He would allow me to have His spirit child with me now. "I'm ready to take him, Father. Please let this be the last push." And at 11:12pm, God's precious little one became my first baby son. Jasper came out like Superman; fist extended above his head. Because of this, I tore pretty badly. The doctor, to help me avoid admittance to the hospital, came to me at the birthing center and sewed me up there. A couple of hours later, Adam and I headed home with our bundle of joy! He weighed 7lbs 15oz and measured 19 inches long. We had the perfect experience.

 
The first week with a newborn was fine...Jasper slept with me and Adam changed every diaper. We had lots of visitors and I stayed in bed recovering. Weeks two and three were really challenging though. Adam went back to work, there were no more visitors, I felt overwhelmed & inadequate, night time nursing had me in tears, and I was still very sore. By week four, everything seemed to settle into place and I felt much better all around. 




 

Jasper was blessed on December 9th.













Now, Jasper is 11 weeks old and progressing wonderfully. (Aside from a little congestion he got from me.) He is gaining weight about as fast as I am losing pregnancy weight! I will not be returning to work full time and Adam is still working two jobs plus his MBA. Basketball season should be over for him mid-February and his masters should be complete in August. In the meantime, we're still getting our home put together and loving on our baby.

Jasper said "goodbye" to 2012 with an unusual five poops in one day and spent the first night of 2013 in his own room in his crib as he has outgrown his bassinet. He also rolled over by himself! The new year is off to a great start and sure to be filled with many "firsts"!!

Painfully Patient & Overwhelmingly Grateful

Here we are nine months later...still getting bigger and waiting for baby's arrival. The excitement and anticipation are growing, but patience is also in effect. I'm no longer working as our little dude's expected due date is in 8 days. Time was more than plentiful the first couple of days, but now it seems there is always something to do with the time I have. Numerous mothers have advised me to sleep now while I can, so I've been trying to get as much rest as I can and take naps daily. One thing I'll miss about school though are the sweet kiddos. Here is a picture one of the children drew of me:

If you're wondering, no, the nursery is not ready to go...but neither is the house. The new cabinets are in, but need molding at the top. Kitchen counters are officially measured, but there is still no install date yet. That means we don't have a kitchen sink either. Pictures of the place have still not been take as there is still a ton of work to do. I'm not allowing myself to be stressed though. We have what we need even though it may not be completed or where I want it to be. Can we make it work? Survive? Of course. No problem.

The last month or so has brought us some bewilderment also. We have been overwhelmed by the generosity and love and support from those around us. It's been difficult to express the gratitude we feel for all of it. My old ward threw me a wonderful baby shower after having not seen me in a month! My mom, sis, Erin & Erin threw an over-the-top baby bash. Each of our places of employment hosted sweet showers for us. The parents of the kids in my class threw me a quick one too! You'd think after five showers that that's it, but no. My new visiting teacher and new ward are planning a shower for me too even though they barely know me. What lovely people we are surrounded by and how blessed we are to be recipients of their service and generosity. There's no doubt in my mind that this child of ours will know that he is loved and cared for. We certainly feel it! 

 















On a more heartbreaking note, our 4 year old kitten Peyton is no longer with us. As whiny as he was, he never cried through the pain, couldn't stand up anymore, and sadly left our home and this world. He will be missed sorely.