Here we are again...in the homestretch awaiting the birth of our baby. By Sunday, we'll be in the safe zone to give birth at the birthing center again. Even though I have been overwhelmingly blessed with service for the last five months, a wonderful friend has insisted on throwing a baby shower for me and Baby Jane. I didn't want to have one since all of the service rendered our family while I've been on bed rest is more than I could ever ask for. To my unending surprise, the people around me are just so generous and continue to want to help and love us. As we prepare for the birth of our daughter, I find myself finally starting to get a little nervous about balancing two children under age two! I know moms do it all the time and I want this!!...I'm just also a little nervous and I think that's natural. The nice thing will be that within three weeks of birth or so, I'll actually be able to get up and about, go for walks, grocery shop, take my son to the park, etc. My concerns really shouldn't be affecting me just yet as they are beyond my control and unpredictable at this point. For example, will Jasper be warm and welcoming toward Jane, or will he become needy, competitive, and rough with her? Will caring for Jane become routine more quickly for me than it was for Jasper? I mean, I've done this before, but every child is different. Will she sleep better than Jasper did so I have the energy to care for both simultaneously? I definitely won't be able to nap when she does like I did with Jasper...unless I can get them napping at the same time...am I dreaming? And even sillier...will she have as much hair as Jasper did? If so, I could start fixing her hair with clips and ponies by the time she's 7 months! If not, will she wear headbands at least? At the heart of it, I trust the Lord and that He will help me the way He knows I need it. He's already shown me that VERY clearly with this pregnancy. The most important thing is that Jane arrives totally healthy and strong and that I keep myself healthy to assist in a quick recovery. I'm looking forward to giving birth again. I know this birth will be different, but I'm imagining it to be even better and to enjoy it more fully. While many women fear birth, I am so thankful to have a positive outlook. We just need to make it to Sunday!
As I sit here yet again waiting for my precious toddler to be returned to me from a friend, I thought now might be a good time to jot down some thoughts and feelings. My little one has been away so much because, according to the doctors, my current pregnancy is high risk and I need to be on bed rest. Fortunately, my bed rest is modified, but not much. I can get up to go potty, get myself a drink or snack and shower. Of course, it isn't possible to have someone taking care of my little man all day every day, so I do end up lifting him to and from his high chair during feedings and crib at nap time. It is surprising to me how well he has seemed to adapt to the new circumstances. He understandably gets frustrated with me, but has been reportedly easy and pleasant for anyone who has taken him away for the morning or afternoon. When someone comes over, he almost always goes to them and with them without complaint. Perhaps he knows if he goes with them he will actually get to run around and play with someone! I'm grateful for his wonderful personality and willingness to trust those I allow into my home. My biggest frustration is that I can't be the one who takes him places to play and chases him around and shows him new things like bubbles or digging. But he gives me the sweetest kisses sometimes and shows me he loves me anyway. I also had to stop nursing him to avoid uterine contraction. As I have heard many mothers say, it was easier for him than I expected and harder for me than I expected. I definitely miss the feeling of him being at such peace and feeling so much comfort in my arms that he could just relax and start to doze off in my arms. Yet again, we're still able to show our love for one another. The greatest blessing has been the extensive network of friends and church family that have stepped up to care for us daily. Every day I fill in and adjust and readjust the schedule for upcoming weeks. Some friends have scheduled themselves on the same day weekly to make things more predictable and that is so helpful! We're talking 2-4 hour shifts of people watching my toddler for me! One friend has been so flexible that she waits to the end of the week to find out where I have scheduling holes and then jumps right in wherever needed. And twice a week, families bring us dinner. It has been a very humbling experience so far. I just hope J continues to be a pleasure and never a big hassle. We're just finishing up week six of bed rest which means we're only a 1/4 of the way through. There are approximately 18 weeks left in this pregnancy, assuming Baby Girl arrives on time. I don't want anyone to get worn out or worn down. We've already battled one cold that even got Daddy sick, but J seems to be recovering just fine. My bed rest status is the result of a blood clot found behind the placenta. A large blood clot. Although the blood clot seems stable, I am being monitored every other week with ultrasounds and the biggest concern now is that the cervix may become compromised by the frequent blood passing through it. The cervix could soften, shorten, efface too early and perhaps lead to preterm labor. The doctors want to get me to each level of increased viability for fetal survival. The first goal is 24 weeks. Then 28 weeks. A friend of mine from college gave birth to her baby at 28 weeks. The baby was 2 lbs. and they had to stay at the hospital until he reached 6 lbs. I'm definitely favoring bed rest over the early birth and hospitalization potential, so I am happy to get updates every two weeks regarding baby's growth and the health of my body surrounding her. Obviously if we see anything change, I will probably be more concerned, but as it stands right now, nothing is wrong. We are just being cautious. The baby is healthy, I am healthy, I have energy (though I'm not supposed to use it), and everything is fine. There is no need to worry about something that may be nothing. For now, we take it easy, get our check ups, and breathe easy. Stress would only work against us. To happy babies, happy birthing, and visualizing the best outcome! I'm looking forward to playing with my toddler again, nursing a new healthy baby, and figuring out how to be a mommy of two under two.
A new year, a new...me? I suppose it's not likely that I'll change all that much this year, but there are definitely some changes I'd like to consciously make. I had already been thinking about how I need to speak with more purpose and intention. Frivolously spewing out any thought that comes to mind isn't appreciated. Nor do I like how I feel after I say some things that come out unfiltered. Then a long time friend angrily lashed out at me after I made a sarcastic comment to her. My first reaction was defensive. "You know me," I thought. "I would never say anything to offend you." Reflecting on what I said, though it was indeed misleading, I think it was sort of a compliment. Obviously she did not see it that way and apparently that wasn't the first time I had said something like that. Realizing that the way I chose to phrase my words could indeed be perceived as negative, I quickly and sincerely apologized. Again, I didn't speak intentionally or purposefully. I spoke sarcastically and rash. Another example of how I want to change the way I speak had slapped me in the face. In my heart, I have a large, loving, accepting, and compassionate place that allows me to love people I meet. As I've grown older and seen a trend of behaviors, that place in my heart has seemed to lose patience. I'm more likely to love others at a distance simply because I don't want what I think their behaviors tell me about them influence my life, or worse, my child's life. Perhaps by actively considering things I say before words come tumbling out of my mouth, I can help to soften my own heart toward people again. I don't remember where we heard it, but Adam reminded me of a quote when I told him this was a goal of mine. The quote goes, "Speak to people like you are praying for them." I love that! Prayer starts with faith, meekness, humility, and compassion. Praying for someone renders a heart to serve them. As Jasper gets closer to the age where his language will quickly develop, I know I need to be an example. The words I choose, the way I speak them, and the purpose behind them WILL shape and influence Jasper. Even though that confrontation with my friend is still unsettling to me, it has strengthened my resolve to do better. So if I say something to you that is not loving or intentional or purposeful, PLEASE tell me...gently. We are all imperfect. I am trying. I need gentle reminders, but again, be gentle. I know the Lord will help me too, for my desire to improve is a righteous desire and perhaps one that will assist me in sharing Christ's love. He will assist you in your righteous efforts too. Happy New You Year!
