last night....

the scent of your breath i breathe in deep....
as whispers are passed between us....
the warmth of your skin i feel upon my face...
i think of this as i fall asleep....

are these all illusions....
will everything turn to dust....
i do not care so much....
in nothing i shall trust....

just let go.....
i tell myself....
over and over again....

once again these type of thoughts are driving me insane....

Its Christmas

MERRY FUCKING XMAS!!!!!!!!!

tantric master?

twisted and dark....

my soul's flayed skin lays to rest
in the damp muddy soil of my grave
remember the scent of my dismembered dreams
all this is not what it seems....

falling from the pinnical of all my hopes
i put myself to sleep
looking into the shattered mirror
a whore is all i see.....

i turn to look deep within me
scars are all thats left behind
good intentions always fail me
twisted and dark is my mind....

dark death

darkness falls as my heart skips a beat
my soul in chains is being whipped
bleeding from my eyes
black blood oozes out
lost and alone here i am right now....

tomorrow may come but now is night
cold and dark ive lost my sight
come hold my hand
into hell i shall drag the both of us
the flaming skulls shall keep us warm...

the damned are honoured by our company
rotting hands joined at the fingers
death consumes us
as we together
travel.....

freedom....

it has been raining continuously for the past week... the time it didnt rain was when i was doing prowling during guard duty... and i found out that it rained almost everywhere else.... this week ive been feeling quite moody.... been angry a few times.... but i must admit... had many good times with my stay-in buddies in camp... the nights of bickering and squabbling... and poking fun at each other.... stupid cows... hahaha... it really has been quite fun... the drinking and the laughing... and the stupid tv shows that we watch...

the sad part about it is that ive to stay-in for another month... due to some fuck up in the system... and i was so determined to do the stupid ippt... and getting the other cows to do it with me... now... all hopes dashed... all optimism disintergrated.... and now.. ive to stay-in throughout the dec hols... sigh... i call it poor management... others just call him stupid... haha...

anyway... i hope all those who are reading this post are having a good time... and just to let you know... there's another good thing about staying in.... it makes all my friends dearer to me... know this... don't take your freedom for granted...

dark....

into the shadows i meld....
falling back , drawing them around me like a cloak....
moonlight reveals me....
the white light tearing into my skin....
i dive deeper into the heart of darkness....
the light holds a piece of my flesh captive....
but i look away.....
i want to disappear into an empty void...
where nothing is felt.....
i cannot be helped.....
i am alone....
struggling against my own will....
wondering hands reach out and caress my soul....
i recoil to the unfamiliar touch....
i cannot be helped....
i want to be alone....

change....

so... tell me... what has changed....

have i changed? i dunno... im still a pessimist... i still am emo most of the time... and i yearn for the same things as i did long ago... so what has changed?

maybe more pessimistic? more sad? more emo? could that be possible? anyway... feeling like shite tonite... had some drinks.... aura of emotions like wafting in the air around me....


sorrow fills my glass...
mixed with regret....
it is sickly sweet....

swallowing emotions....
as always...
i choke on tears....

tonight...
alone....
i can only dream of warmth again.....

unwanted

wad is the feeling of being unwanted....

its not so much of being invisible... because it is not possible to be ignored by everyone... but feeling unwanted is because u are invisible, or are ignored by that one person....

ya... so right now i feel unwanted... there's nothing i can do about it.... but maybe hope? hope that i will be remembered.... bein alone sucks... i'm sure everybody knows wad i mean....

to love or be loved?

i was reading through my BEST FREN'S blog today... so happens that she put up a new entry in who knows how long... so anyway... at the end of her entry... she posed this question... which is better to love or be loved? i believe that each person has a diff answer... well... for me, it is to love... i dont have to be loved in return.... one... im like used to it... lol... two... i dunno.... because for me... i'll just give everything... and it doesnt matter how much i get back in return... sigh...

so anyway... this question is similar to one which kelvin posed me some time back... would u still marry a woman who is together with you only for your money... and if u were to go broke, would leave u straight away.... my answer quite obvious rite? lol... of course i would... as long as i love her... kelvin disagreed of course... but that doesnt matter... so ya.. sometimes.. i think i'm weird... i dunno... but i believe in how i feel and i follow my heart... so i guess i cant go wrong there rite?

torn apart....

I desire you by my side
When i'm all alone in the night
I only want to hold you tight
I am torn apart.....

Without you here next to me
The beauty of the world i can't see
My heart aches for you
My sooul yearns for you
I am torn apart.....

When i look into your eyes
I am mesmorised
When i see you face to face
I never want to leave this place
As i think of all the ways
Of capturing your heart
I am torn apart.......


***************************************************


i wrote this many years ago... when i was 15... that was like 6yrs ago... and thats like been really long.... i think the lyrics explain themselves..... just remembering the past.... once again... shit.... i suck.....

anyway.... went to visit kit today.... he seems better and i'm really glad for him.... vyasa asked if i think it was something to do with karma or if he was just unlucky.... he asked it as a generel question... i believe that it is just unlucky.... sad isn't it... ever the pessimist.... don't forget... the glass is half full.... half full of poison.....

thoughts....

Shadows consume my soul as raindrops fall
a silvery tear, a reason i don't know why
A clear liquid runs through my vains as i seek solace
the warm carass of a face i so sorely miss

eyes.....

her eyes.... gateway into her soul..... warm and clear...... encompassing feelings, emotions and vulnerabilites...... her eyes said the most to me..... during those tender moments...... it was looking into her eyes den i could understand how she feels towards me...... but it was her eyes which i did not dare meet when it fell to pieces....... i've never looked into her eyes since.....

im hoping that i may have a chance again... hopefully one day soon... to just see her again..... its been almost 2yrs i tink... i last saw her.... to see her eyes again....

past times....

looking into the past...
recovering lost memories....
relations tied in blood have gone to dust....

gone are the days....
of simple joy and laughter....
im here alone and unwanted....

heres all the best...
hope u all turn out well...
i'll have my memories to keep forever....


thank you guys for all the memories... i shall never forget u all... maybe one day we shall meet again... take care....

yours scincerely... tim

just for you....

busy...

well... i havent wrote in an entry in a long while already... so yeah... what's there to know?

feelings? overflowing as always.....

thoughts? too many as usual.....

dreams? well... i want to dream some more....

so wads there to know really?

i havent been feeling lonliness pangs lately... been able to feel good about myself.... i won some money on soccer and have spent alot on myself!!! lol.... feels great... bought a psp.... got another session of my tattoo.... been on top of the world.....

havent really had time to stop and think... to be emotional and sad... which is a good thing... but by typing this.... once again... i think... and once again..... sighs...

but nevermind... im sure everything will be alright.... i'll update again soon.....

none

torment, my greatest friend...
always with me, never left my side...


i miss you.... whoever you are....

a letter....

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


hey ger... how goes it... its just another one of those times again... when everything is lookin downhill u know... im jus gonna blah to u..... so pls ignore certain pieces of information if u do not understand.... i'll try my best to make the whole thing clear... if not... just listen/read what i say ya...

my good friend, kit... just got into an accident.... there were driving behind my house that ar5ea, upper pierce.... while they were driving at a lesuirely pace, a monkey suddenly appeared out of nowhere and dashed across the road.... jesse, the driver of the particular vehicle in the above mentioned scenario, by instinct swerved the car..... common sense will show that the obvious better choice is to jam the brakes or just run the God forsaken monkey over, but alas, basic human instincts prevailed and lost... if u know what i mean.... anyway.... the ran off the road, down slope and crashed into a tree... the tree fall and the car is totally smashed up.... the driver, jesse, emerged totally fine, besides some cool scars on his arms resultant from the shards of broken glass and the air bag burns.... kit on the other hand wasn't that lucky.... he hit his head.... pls take note that they were in a minivan, a kangoo, and thus the passanger side does not have airbags....

kit was badly hurt in the crash with fractured ribs, hairline fractured arms, and was in coma.... his condition fluctuated and everyone was worried... but in the end he pulled through and awoke from his super long nine day slumber, he was under morphine... that bastard.... lol.... he is awake now.... he can rcognise everybody that comes into the ward, he's joking with all of us.... dirty jokes all... his physical condition seems fine.... his reflexes are working and everything.... but.... there always is a but isnt there.....

but.... there are some things which really scares/ terrifies/ worries me.... first of all, he speaks very incoherently at times.... like really incoherently... like from out of the blue 360degress thingamajig something something is said by him... and we are all like huh? but then he just keeps quiet after that and the conversation goes on... sometimes he is totally incoherent and sometimes he's perfectly on the ball.... and secondly, he does not have full control of his limbs.... he can reach out for things, he can move his leg when we tell him to, he can lift his head when asked to.... but he keeps kicking his leg while lying down.... and his hands just keeps having to grip something.... the leg kicking part really is quite scary if u were to witness it urself... they say(they referring the the nurses and supposedly doctors and other speculators) that it is just because he is restless and wants to get out of bed.... but ireally think otherwise and fear for the worst.... must be my pessimistic side coming into play.... sigh... but ya... im afraid that its that part of his brain cum nervous system is damaged or affected and is causing these sort of uncontrollable spasmings..... the movemenst are quite big, more like kicking rather than a spasm....

****.... i am afraid and i dont know what to do.... hes my good friend and theres nothing i can do.... i cant do shit... seriously...i cant contribute any money towards his medical expenses, i cant even go down that often..... i dunno how to comfort him i dunno how to assure him.... i dont even know whether he is alrite or not.... and as hard as i try to deny it, i am so damn affected by it....

i am totally lost....





yeah... kinda quite a big email isnt it.... but ya... thanks for letting me(as if u had a choice) get it off my chest...

BIG SIGH......


-timmy-


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>


that was an email i wrote to my friend, someone i like to share my thoughts with... i thought i would share it with the rest of u too.....

take care all... hope and pray for kito and his mojo.....

a prayer

dear God....

This is one of those times when i turn to You once again....
im in need of help, but for once it isnt for myself, but for my friend.....

dear Father, please help and protect him, be by his side and heal him.....
he is dear to me, he is a brother to me.... ease his suffering, quench his parched lips and please help him to recover....

aid him to once again bring smiles to people's faces, to change tears to laughter, turn sorrow into joy.... that is his gift which You have given him... dear Lord, den please help him once again.... help him spread love and joy....

i beseech You dear Lord.... from the bottom of my heart.... i pray to You with tears in my eyes and sorrow in my heart.... may Your benevolence unfold before us.... and bring him back to our sides.... dear Lord... Please.....


this prayer is dedicated to you....

thinking

glimmering hope shining past my window
gone now, will it return?
alone today and every other day
when will there be someone next to me

regrets, but one should never regret
but what is there to do
one can only look back and think
what if........

stoned, drunk or sober
does it really matter anymore
nothing matters
i am alone with my thoughts

heaven or hell

Once upon a time, a man, his horse and his dog was travelling along a road. As they passed by a huge tree,it was struck by lightning, and they all died. But the man failed to notice that he was no longerof this world so he continued walking along with his two animal companions. sometimes the dead take a while to register their new situation........

It was a long, uphill walk, the sun was beating down on them and they were all sweating and thirsty. At a bend int he road they saw a magnificantmarble gateway that led into a gold-paved square, in the centre of which was a fountain overflowing with crystal-clear water. The man went over to the guard at the entrance.

"Good morning."
"Good morning," the guard replied.
"What is this lovely place?"
"It's heaven."
"Well, I'm very glad to see it, because we're very thirsty."
"You're welcome to come in and drink all the water you want." And the guard indicated the fountain.
"My horse and dog are also very thirsty."
"I'm terribly sorry," said the guard, "but animals are not allowed in here."

The man was deeply disappointed for he really was very thirsty, but he was not prepared to drink alone, so he thanked the guard and went on his way. Exhausted after more trudging uphill, they reached an old gateway that opened on to a dirt road flanked by trees. A man, his hat pulled down over his face, was stretched out in the shade of one of the trees, apparently asleep.

"Good morning," said the traveller.
The other man greeted him with a nod.
"We're very thirsty - me, my horse and my dog."
"There's a spring over there amongst those rocks," said the man indicating the spot. "You can drink all you want."

The man, his horse and his dog went to the spring and quenched their thirst.

The traveller returned to thank the man.
"Come back whenever you want," he was told.
"By the way, what's this place called"
"Heaven."
"Heaven? But the guard at the marble gateway told me that was Heaven!"
"That's not heaven, that's Hell."

The traveller was puzzled.
"You shouldn't let otheres take your name in vain, you know! False information can lead to all sorts of confusion!"

"On the contrary, they do us a great favour, because the ones who stay there are those who proved themselves capable of abandoning their dearest friends."

thoughts

when i fall in love, i wish it to be forever.... doesn't everybody? the thing is i can give in so whole heartedly.... but sometimes i don't know why i choose to just break things up.... it has happened 3 times already... more or less no rhyme or reason.... i regret every single time and i think of the past quite often.... sometimes i do not know whats wrong with me.... if only i could turn back time and stop myself from making those mistakes, for regretting.... i do not want to regret anything i do... i try not to but can't help it...

i remembered my good friend used to tell me that i was over sensitive and should apologise and make up with the girl.... but i was too hard headed to listen.... it was over something so simple and yet at that time i couldn't let it go... its hard to revisit these rough patches of my life, but i seem to think of it more and more of late.... right now, i am thinking of the past.... nothing of the present or the future.... well.... future slightly, like getting my own place to stay, work and studies.... but i digress....

there are these moments of lonliness/ emptiness.... and i'm sure everyone knows how sucky it is... last night as i tossed and turned before going to sleep, so many thoughts went through my head... and yet... today i can't remember any of it and am thinking of other thoughts... i often tell other people not to think too much, but i guess i end up thinking too much myself... so much for good advice huh.....

but what is there to do? i realised that i can't do anything about it at all... i'm going to let the past catch up with me if it does.... i'm not going to chase after it... it is but a dream... but i hope that maybe sweet memories can revisit me once again... but once again i shouldn't expect so much... lol... thats another thing which i keep telling myself as well... lol...

all i can do is live the present... leading this deadbeat, boring present.... again its stagnating.... the past few days were bearable, but what about the next few days? whatever ya.... the future? i can't wait to go uni... back to skool.... to socialise, meet new people... make new friends.... to just have a change in the relentlessly monotonous life which i'm leading now....

oh i digress.... i feel that what i'm writing is like being directly transleted from thoughts... no extra showy english and all that crap... everything word i think up is just typed out.... so... my thoughts as u can see tend to wander about quite easily lol....

i hope that everything will go well tomorrow, and that it will be bearable.... it will most probably be most forgettable but i'm not too worried about it...

thank u all for listening.... thank you and goodnight....

despair

despair, according to the English dictionary, means the absence of hope.... if u have ever thought that there is no hope, then u have despaired....

reaching a breaking point? stifled with emotions which u do not understand? dont know what to do with your life?

well.... do not despair... for your friends around you will ensure that u have not lost all hope.... just go and talk to them.... and soon u will see that everything is alrite.... i want to thank my friends... for just spending time with me... it means alot to me... like REALLY alot..... sounds gay i know, but whatever ya....

next time, when it becomes harder and harder to meet, please do not just disappear... although i am often doing it myself, i implore all my friends, dont allow me to do just that.... persist and i will give in.... i hope it isnt asking too much.... but as they say.... friends forever.....

i would just like to say thanks.... from the bottom of my little shriveled up heart....

Love

"You must be the seed.

Descend into the earth

Searching for the union of death

And then rebirth."

But I need love

It is patience, it is kindness

I need love

It is rain after the dryness

I need love

Sister Wisdom, help me see

It's the one thing that I need

The only thing that I need

"The Harvester is near

His blade is on your skin

To plant a new beginning."

Well then let the cut begin

my birthday.....

trying my best,
to get by,
but i always fall,
and so i sigh.

feeling lonely,
insecure and sad,
troubles finding me,
only dreams i've had.

tears streaming down,
cold upon my face,
trickling down,
gone without a trace.

memories come,
shackled by ghosts,
i drink by myself,
i propose a toast.

cheers to tears,
crying in my soul,
filled an empty heart,
swallowed me whole.

here i am,
far away,
try as i do,
can't get away.

musings

weary i grow from the longings of my heart
i gaze upon the night sky in search of hope
listening to the wind, a beautiful song
but i feel cold in the depths of my soul

venturing into blissful sleep
i find myself alone
once again cold, and sorrow weighs upon me
the darkness, my cloak

feeling, touching, something, nothing
i fall more again
draw me closer
comfort me
i ask

flopped

dear all...

thank you for coming for my bbq.... even though it was quite a flop, i would still like to thank you al, and say sorry as well.... sorry if i want a good enough host... i think i was just too worried about the food... in the end it all went well thanks to wen sheng geoffrey and panda.... thanks you guys....

as the day is done and all have went off... i sit back and reflect...

i give thanks for this day i spent with my friends.... i love them all....

goodnight all...

thanks

hey everybody... thanks for the concern over my eye.... it means alot to me.... thank you all... its nice to know so many people care for me!!

anyway... the eye's all better already... shouldn't pose any problems for the time being.... the only downside is that ive to wear glasses.... oh no... ugly already... lol.... no more contact lens for me.... at least for one month la.... den will see how... anyway.... im having my b-dea bbq tonite.... those who can make it just come ya.....

see you all soon!!

tata..

ps.(alex is a bastard... dun want to come... lol)

memories

one will never know what is important until one loses that thing.... in most cases it actually refers to a person... isnt that usually the case? well... i was going through my old rubbish when i chanced upon something.... it was a folded paper crane... it was in the back of my drawer.. and immediately, memories began to flood my mind...

the condition of this paper crane wasn't at its best, but i would say its still alrite... after so long a time i finally opened it up and read the words contained inside again.... it was lyrics to a song.....


"There's a danger in loving somebody too much
And it's sad when you know its your heart you can't trust
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are
Baby, sometimes love just ain't enough

And there's no way home
When its late at night and you're all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you
Where i used to lay"

it really touched me and brought back really sweet moments... i was really a fool den... not thinking much, young, stupid.... and most importantly immature....

i just wanted to say..... i miss you....

whispers

i whisper your name into the wind
hoping that my thoughts trenscends all boundaries to get to you
across the rivers and seas i dream the sweetest dream
of holding you dear
beauty encompassed in a quiet smile
pure and innocent yet tender and wild
i wake up happy

verdict

so dear friends... what is the verdict? well... the abrasion of my cornea in the left eye developed into a full blown ulcer.... although small, it is painful and not that simple... the ulcer is located in a central location of my eye... so it partially imapirs my vision.... from a 6/6 with glasses, it became 6/60... it was like looking through a white cloud.... those who saw me on ther first day was astonished that my eye became a giant fishball..... imagine egore from frankenstein movies.... yah.. my eye looked like dat.....

but anyway... it got better the next day... the vison cleared up slightly and i could open my eyes more.... and it wasnt difficult to go about my errends.... although i would get that occasional stare at my eye, but i could live with it... especially the guy at siglap 7-11.... who stared at my eye the whole time while i was buying green tea.... wads up man... never saw a person with a serious case of sore eyes? lol.....

well.. i got my new pair of glasses, thanks to kit.... his friend got it done in 2 hours!!!! alrite man.... thanks alot.... my eye looks more or less normal now... its been 4 days since it started... it just looks sore now.... however, i suspect the doctors aren't telling me somethings....

on sat morning... during the checkup... doc A said that the ulcer has improved slightly... but anyway he asked doc B to take a look.... doc B said that the rate of recovery is too slow compared to the medicine i was applying.... and he said.. "and there are these cells which are growing there... " and asked if any senior doc has seen me yet... and during all this, doc C was like... "i wanna see his file! i wanna see his file!" and soon we all went to see doc D, who was a senior doc.... doc D said... "these ulcers are pretty small..." (she said ulcers, as in plural)... i was like huh? but anyway the docs were all too busy discussing and plainly just ignored me.... and told me to come back on monday and see the progress den again....

really dont know the condition of my eye... it may feel better, but who knows.. it could be worse... so we'll just see how again on monday ya....

and so my friends... always remember... DO NOT ABUSE YOUR CONTACT LENS!!!!!
this is because.... eyes dont play.... and hips dont lie.....

cornea abrasion

dear all....

at 4am this morning, i woke up with a great discomfort in my left eye.... it hurts and it refused to open up much.... i was really afraid... i went to sleep previously with a sore eye, thinking nothing much of it... but to my horror, it was not that simple... i took a cab to changi general hospital and there i waited in the accident and emergency for an hour before i could see a doctor.... he at first suspected an ulcer, but he decided to cal in a specialist.... oh yes... that doctor was really rude and rough.... when looking at my eye, he ignored my wincing and obvious discomfort when he was pulling back my eyelids.... dat bastard.....

anyway... waited another hour for the specialist to come in.... and after the examation, he concluded that there was an abrasion of my cornea in the left eye... he warned me that this could develop into something serious, as the abrasion was in a central part of my eye.... he prescribed me antibiotics and so i left....

the next few hours i spent at home, i had much time to reflect... so what if i go blind in one eye.... can i continue my life it isnt going to be easy.... i can hardly see right now, and it is with great difficulty that i am typing this.... i do not know what will happen to me.... everything will hopefully be known by tomorrow's check up... till den all i can do is hope and pray nothing goes wrong....

i love u all....

flying

dear all.... after a long time and a couple of rash decisions, i have finally begun the project... the project which will now change my life... my outward/physical appearance will change forever... and i mean forever.....

yes... the sketch finally done.... den followed by outlining.... boy was that a bitch.... imagine an extremely sharp hook.... which is burning... and electrified..... being pulled across your skin... thats how i describe my experience.....

the area on the shoulders and near my butt crack and spine were especially painful... spasmed a lil bit.... quivered a little bit... but finally got through with it.... during the tattoing, i felt a little wimpy becoz i felt that it did hurt.... and my... did it drain all my energy enduring/ concentrating on the pain.... should have slept more last night....

the final product of the outlining is simply smashing.... everyone loved it.... qihua was especially proud of it... dunno why.... she was pointing at some pic in a mag and said, "u see... these wings so lousy..." obviously mine were nicer.... but who's complaining man... lol....

anyway... will upload the pictures as soon as possible... the quality isnt that good as it was taken by my handphone, but at least its better then nothing rite....

really really tired now... i shall go dream of flying now....

dreaming

dont know why... feeling a little melancholic lately... been feeling really unsettled... i wish things were a little more simple... i wish everything we hope for will come true... it is too much to ask for, isnt it... oh well... we can only dream... i am a dreamer... wont u come and dream with me?

rocking good times

so... this the 3rd day of which i have come back from the rockin city of KL... my goodness... did KL rock my socks... firstly, we went up... the journey was long and ardous but we travelled relentlessly and finally, we reached... checked in to the concorde hotel and proceeded to go for dinner....

jose picked us up and brought us to this new place called sevenatenine.... they served fusion cuisine and was it fantastic... the lamb was succulent the prawns were huge the dishes were... lets just say... wonderful?

anyway, we den made our way to go for a wild night out... jose brought us to our next destination... per maison... along heritage row.... we were greeted by rows of beds in the club... many queen size beds just waiting for us to rest our aching bodies... and infront of the beds, jose had a treat waiting for us.... 3 mother fucking bottles of whiskey!!!!!! cant remember which brand it was... never saw it b4 but it was really good... the whiskey was really smooth... besides that, met some of deborah's friends and they were really nice, treated me and russ to zambooka shots... the flaming variety of course...

after russ and kel got more or less quite drunk, me and deb sent them on their way on a cab at2am den the rest of us proceeded to zouk to continue with the festivites... there, we met adrian and had more drinks, dancing and just going crazy.... oh... at zouk.. i got hit on by this gay guy.. my god... it was disgusting!!!! he asked first if i was local or not, den asked if i liked a drink den i said my gf was waiting for me... pointing to deb.... den he said oh well and stuck out his tongue at me... fucking disgusting!!!!

anyway... we went on to supper and it was amazing... the pork belly stewed in black soya sauce and caramelised with rock sugar.... ahh!!! i wanna go back... so ya... that concludes one day in kl... and it was fucking wild!!

Feelings

Feelings are just emotions which people have, and yet how can we escape this sensation? everything is onli a feeling, everything is temporal and nothing forever, although we would like to believe the opposite, the truth is just too in your face...

why bother to try if there is a possibility of being hurt? love is only a feeling.... can it last forever? only in fairy tales... i once was a believer and now... how sad i must seem to myself back then.... but who's to blame? is it me for not trying enough? or is it just the way things are and there is no way to fight it?

new philosophy? just be in everything for a ride? if it doesnt work out den just bail? its against my basic nature but what am i to do? how long can i dream for? in the end i am but just a fool... shouldnt i quit this foolish behaviour? i havent a clue on what to do... do i betray who i am so that everything will just be so much simpler and easier to deal with? i dont know if there will come a day where i can do so...

what am i to do but to just take things the way it is... i am who i am and i cannot betray myself because i know myself too well... i am my own bane.... cheers to my spilt blood over the years... but i am still standing here, learning, living and forging ahead... my spilt blood serves as a reminder to myself but sometimes it just seems that i step over the dried blood and forget, only to spill more fresh blood...

another chance, another try... thats what we all have so why not... just give it another shot... harness all that u have learnt and improve... in the end everything will be alrite... wouldnt it?



sleep perchance to dream
i dream so that i can feel
foolish that i am but who can deny me
i am my own bane
i refuse to betray my own self
i am a fool who knows too much

la la la....

alrite... been havin a ball of a time with my friends... they are the best... thanks to u much much geoffrey... owe ya lots... lol.... wed.... mambo.. thur died.... fri beer with buddis, especially my fat ass kipling monkey buddy.... den sat died.... sun went out for coffeshop chit chat till the next morn and went to camp.... today im dying once again.. lol....

pam!! must meet up again ya... lol... had fun at mambo.. *winks* lol...

joyce... must meet up with u.. its been too long.....

pat... were supposed to meet for lunch.....

kat!!! where are u!!!!! must meet!!!!!

kelvin... im gonna kick ur ass man... ive got all the gear ready... can spar anytime now.. just waiting for u... lol

brother gonna leave spore for awhile... think im gonna take over the room... lol... bigger bed!!!! now can fit me and my laptop easily....

la la la...

she. revisited

she who once caught my eye.... has stolen my heart in the night... i choose to leave before i get hurt once again, once too many times... try not to think abt it but ... it still haunts me... haunt... a word she likes to use... to forget... if onli it were easy.. regrets? none... disappointment? much... expected too much... i forgot that if i expected nothing den i lose nothing... expect everything and u lose everything... rambling... dont really care... tired....

true to myself... no regrets... glad that its like dat... want to say goodbye... maybe its better this way... i dont know... incongrueous.... dont care.... dont blame u, i dont blame anybody... its just the way it is... maybe well see each other again someday...

Goodbye my little secret......

ta bu ai wo

他不愛我　牽手的時候太冷清
擁抱的時候不夠靠近

哦　他不愛我　說話的時候不認真
沉默的時候又太用心

我知道他不愛我　他的眼神
說出他的心

我看透了他的心　還有別人逗留的背影
他的回憶清除得不夠乾淨
我看到了他的心　演的全是他和她的電影
他不愛我　盡管如此
他還是贏走了我的心

one night...

a tear fell from my eye tonite... its been a long time since it has happened.... it actually feels quite refreshing... expect nothing and lose nothing... expect everything and lose everything.... sometimes its very difficult to do what u think... i believe in that previous line but im just unable to bring myself toobey it... i dunno why... i guess its part of who i am to be this way... the thing is im not sad, not angry.... im not anything.... guess im just very jaded... more and more so i guess.. nothing seems to faze me anymore.... sure im affected by stuff but its no longer important or as important as it is to me as compared to last time.... i know im foolish but hey... its me isnt it... ive got the right to be this way... so nobody should look at me weird or be unhappy with what i said, because its my own sentiment and im definately entitled to it... anyway when im in this mood i seem to be able to write better.... its my bane i guess.. i only can write stuff when i feel.... no matter.... im not just actin nonchalant.... im actually am.... dont believe me? well its up to u to believe or not.... im caring less and less nowadays and it feels better..... dont know why... guess its just the way it is... but im a little afraid ive become too numb to everything... that would be a scary thought.... but whatever ya... another day goes by and my life still goes on....

death and me

under the shadows of lonliness lays a body battered and bruised from the battles with himself
a boy murdered in his sleep in his youth
never knowing warmth or comfort only bitterness and sorrow
plagued with a life without love
dying to the expections of those around him and confused by those close to him
wandering this existance in a jaded state of mind
numb to troubles and a friend to sorrows
he drowns in emotions and suffocates in feelings
intoxicated by a miasma of suffering
drunk in the lacking of grandeur
death sets upon him with a shroud of black
life is but a wisp in the wind
the embrace of death and darkness sounds so sweet to his ears
fading is he...............

missing

lost in the shadows during the day
hiding in the darkness when it rains
thunder cracks and lightning hisses
again you have been missing

i call for you but u aren't there
my heart is troubled, searching for your soul
i writhe in agony but not letting it show
you're missing and i'm missing you so

i long for your voice and your gentle kiss
to see you under the stars and on the swings
i long for your touch and carressing breath
it is you that i miss

random

my heart races out into the ocean blue
feeling the waves around my soul
i taste the salt spray at my lips
as tears roll down my eyes

dark

the shadows sings a song onli which i can hear....
slowly and slowly i drift into sweet slumber....
into the darkness i dream a void of emptiness....
cold hands grasps my frigid heart as warm blood spills down my lips....
tasting and feeling, driving me insane....

she

she who once caught my eye...

there was once this girl who caught my eye.... she was unnoticed at first, but subsequent times when i saw her, i began to see her more beauitful side... sure she is somewhat wild and crazy... but i saw through all that.... and noticed that she was actually very very vulnerable... had fun times... had bad times... but one thing was for sure.... there was no dull moment around her... she makes sure of it one way or another...

first time i met her... thought that she was some ah lian... second time i met her... thought that she was a little crazy... ah... but the third time... the third time i actually sat down and talked with her... it was by chance that we met that day and had gone home together and that we sat down at a coffeeshop and we talked... but that one chance let me get to know her better... and understand her better...

feelings grew.... complications arose.... arguments... and then silence.... feelings fade.... tried to fade anyway.... hung up over much time... and then heart wrenches and aches... feelings just wouldnt go away... what was i to do..... what was i to say.... really dont know.... but once again... everything just falls into place...(always does doesn't it?) friends again.... a year older now.... grown up now.... understand things better.... clearer picture of the situation and all is forgiven.... doesnt matter anymore anyway... the past that is....

what will happen next... nobody knows... play it as it comes... expect nothing and lose nothing...


do not dwell on the past for it is history and cannot be changed...
do not worry about the future for we have no control over it....
live for the present for it is now and we only live once....

she......

down and out

a feeling of hopelessness comes over me as i realised that i lost my wallet... i thot it was in the car but i guess i thot wrong... i have once again misplaced my wallet....

lost a load of money... id... atm card... army com id card.... my last strawberry flavoured condom.... sigh... woe is me.... why is this string of unlucky occurrances must happen onto me... "heaven... are u toying with me?" i shout out into the night.... and on a sunday no less... a day b4 i book into camp once again... sigh...

where oh where can my wayward wallet be.... i was thinking of buying a new one just today.... did it hear my thots and decided to just run away? im feeling slightly depressed right now because of the ridiculous amount of money i must come up with to replace everything lost today.... this sux....

dot dot dot...

why is it so difficult to get what u want in a relationship... i mean for my case it should be simpler shouldnt it... my prerequisites or requirements are rather low and i dont hope for that much... i mean basically... all i want is to be loved and to love somebody... is that really that hard to attain... im those types that easily fall for others... and get stuck... what am i to do... its my basic nature i guess... i smile and joke to hide away my true feelings... i act like a small kid so that i dont have to face the problems... but for how long can i run.... its really simple... i remember i sent my friend something like this before...

me: u know XX... all i want is to love and to be loved.. its that simple.. i want to just hold her hands... to be there when shes sad so that i can make her laugh... to wipe away that tear when she cries and to let her lean against when shes tired.... all i want is to care for someone... and of course to be cared for... why is it that difficult?

well... my friend didnt have an answer for me... but i dont blame her... what is someone to do to find that someone to spend time with? do u know what i miss most lately? i miss jus waking up next to somebody... to just know that there is someone beside me when i wake up... to see somone whom i love beside me the moment im awake.... just to know that it wasnt a dream... i wish to just dream of this...

perchance to dream...
to dream a glorious dream...
to have someone to hold and touch...
to have someone in my mind and my heart....
to just be with me and not say anything..
to be there when im in need....
to love me....
to cherish me....

i am sad...

mahjong madness

as tradition.. together with Chinese new Year.... there will be gambling.... and when there is gambling, there is mahjong.... and with mahjong, there is madness......

my mahjong days/daze is on the brink of insanity people... im running a marathon and it just doesnt seem to end.... 20hrs of mahjong... crazy? no... its madness......

so... this is how it started....

thursday afternppn 2pm... i was waking up from a coma... the type where you enter due to lack of sleep from mahjong... and i saw no messages on my phone... i switched it off and den on again... this is because my phone is spoilt and yes i have to change it... den in came the floods of messages.... geoffrey asked... "eh.. how u going down later..." and i was thinking the worst to myself... oh no... am i going to miss mahjong? after making a few calls, i took a very quick shower and hopped onto a cab all the way to simei, wherethe so called kahki's have already started... and so i had to wait..... i shared with geoffrey and before i left... i counted dat we were losing 10 dollars... anyway... mahjong started at abt 315 for me... it went on and on and on... we played four rounds with a dinner break and smoke breaks in between.... but then,... late at night.. i received another call... i was needed at another house!!!!!!!!! they were short of one more player.... my goodness.... and so after my last game i hopped onto another cab and went over to ann's place for another few hours of majong.... and we played a total of 3 rounds... wih the exception of a supper break in between.... and we finished at abt 1145 am.... so by doing ur maths... u can see that i played for a total of 19.5 hrs.... with some breaks in the middlle.... and den i proceeded home to concuss and there laying in my bed... i died... lol....

mahjong madness.... dangerous... addictive.... unstoppable...

spoilt

what can i do to forget... another time another day, a little message spoils my day...

sigh... i totally do not know what to do.. to call back, to ignore... luckily i was busy and didnt call back... but in the end, i was still affected by it... it more or less screwed up my whole entire night.. it always seems so bloody obvious what to do and of course its correct... but how often can u do something your heart doesnt want to do... yes.. your brain tells you to do this but your heart... your little heart.... sigh... dunno why i still feel this way... it has been so long already....


the ghost of you appears in front of me
sinking into a black pool my soul drowns
filled with anguish pain and torment
be still my heart and survive