crazeeee.....

im going crazee... im smiling with glee....
may hours without sleep.... so few hours with it....
too many hours lain on the bed thinking... too much thinking....
do u know how comfortable it is rock.... as in to sit on a spot and rock back and forth....
i think im going crazee.... i need to sleep.... 40 winks... 20 winks will do....
help....

one day i'll fly away.......

I follow the night

Can't stand the light

When will I begin

To live again?

One day I'll fly away

Leave all this to yesterday

What more could your love do for me?

When will love be through with me?

Why live life from dream to dream....

And dread the day

When dreaming ends?

One day I'll fly away

Fly, flyAway

sigh.....

a search of something which always eludes me
a glimmer of somethings there
of hopes and dreams in colour
with someone in lonliness share

to be satisfied, to be content, to be happy
for sorrow to never find me here
to look forward into the future
but my past i hold so dear

i have to march and soldier on
and to struggle with each step
although the shadows are comfort
nobody likes despair

giving up.....

i do not want to care anymore......
i want to let go....
release the strings to my sanity......
i want to give up......


help me...........

100......

this is my one hundredth post..... so its especially going out to all those people who are feeling sad or depressed..... because for me... its been yet another depressing day....


today... ive seen some of my friends fighting.... and it really saddened me..... because i am not the onli one who is sad.... but there really are others who are sad too...

there were tears on the inside and on the outside.... some cried without showing tears.... for some others..... the tears were freely flowing..... but all my tears have dried up sometime ago.... and i have none to share with other people.... and that saddens me further.... because even in sadness i am alone..... i feel as if nobody feels the sadness that i feel.... nobody knows the sorrow which i know so intimately.....

this sorrow which i caress but i cannot hold..... whom knows my name..... whom accompanies me into my dreams..... whom is with me when i am alone..... my constant companion.....

people dont know it.... but actually they dont want to be happy.... people constantly search for ways to torture themselves and look for sorrow.... but they do not know it.... its so common.... sorrow in this world is everywhere.... and people are throwing themselves headlong into this abyss of sorrow....

so cheers to all of u who are unhappy or depressed..... cheers.....

sudden death.....

so.... creeping into my mind are these thoughts of death again.... it definately is embedded into my subconscious.... there is no doubt about that.... i dreamt.... if im not wrong.... i had a really sudden death.... like a car accident or something.... and get this man.... my last words were....."tell my friends i love them....." den like grow limp with eyes open like in the movies like that.... lol.... but really... i dreamt that.... cant remember all that well.... but thats the gist of it.... u know how dreams are.... lol.....

a brief update.....

well.... long time no post huh... anyway... the reason being that my modem broke.... all thanks to my younger brother... curtis.... well... thanks alot.....

anyway... i was in bangkok from 5th sept till the 11th... my older brother, toby, met with a little accident.... well... he fell off a bus.... but the thing is.... he had hit the back of his head and was comatose..... exciting rite... so i received word on tuesday morning of his accident, details werent clear, so my father and i hopped on a plane and flew down to bangkok.....

my brother is fine now.... was discharged on.... hmm....on the 7th... he back at work and back at skool... so he's totally fine... unless there is some hemorraging to his brain which the doctors did not find.... and that could mean instant death..... but for the time being.... he is fine.... so no worries... = >

me....

those whom i care for do not know it for i have not said caring words

those whom know me know that i care for mere words do no justice to the emotions which i feel

those who care for me i know not who you are for no words have been said to me

i have much to give but there are few who want it

accept me for what i am

i am complicated

i feel much but know nothing

i know too much but i feel nothing

deathwish........

somebody please kill me.....

stab me in my chest.... run me over with a car... put it in reverse and make sure i'm dead.... gorge my eyes out and let me bleed to death.... slit me a hundred times..... cut me across my throat..... slit my wrist and feel my pulse as it slowly fades away.....

i think i would rather die slowly bleeding to death.... watching my own blood pooling about me.... seeing my skin grow pale.... feeling my life force slowly bleed away..... feeling myself slipping away into uncosciousness.... it will probably feel as if im growing very heavy.... and i will tire out really fast..... but i guess i will still know that im dying and i will understand it as each second passes as each grain of sand trickles down the hourglass of my life..... and who knows... maybe as i die, my soul will be free and i can just watch my own body grow limp and dead..... i can observe everything i would want to and do anything i wish, of course by anything i mean mea-physically and not physically.... because if i meant it physically it would mean i would still need my flesh and blood and my body to function and all that trivialties.... but no... that isnt what i mean... u get it don't u?

is it so bad to wish for death? i mean there has to be some benefits to it right? i mean... why would people kill themselves in the first place? definately there has to be some good reason.... and the death itself must definately outweigh the possibilites of having to live and the problems e face while living.... i mean... isnt it true that we begin to die the minute that we are born? the moment we are born it is inevitable that we die.... and all that thing about its not about life but how u live it crap just doesnt appeal to me at all.... NOT AT ALL.... so what use is there to live isnt it better off that we just understand what life is about and then just go away? i mean i dont think its possible that we can truly understandour reason for existance..... if someone truly can then could this someone come up to me and enlighten me? doesnt life just suck and no matter what we ty to do about it.... it will just suck still? i mean... sure... u can make it a little better.... maybe be a little more narcissistic but in the end it doesnt really matter now does it? well? does it? fruitless... pointless pointless pointless......

anyway.... when the day comes... i will gladly die.... but i do not want to end my life myself u see.... i would rather somebody kill me then i take my own life....it seems too much of a waste.... if someone else takes it... im sure then life has a greater meaning to it... to the person who took my life or to the people around me anyway.....

im dreadfully sorry if i seem so pessimistic or so pathetic to u... but i really do not care... this is how i feel and who are u to tell me otherwise? i have a deathwish... will u be my killer?

pleasure with pain... who understands it?

im only happy when it rains.........

I´m only happy when it rains

I´m only happy when it´s complicated

And though I know you can´t appreciate it

I´m only happy when it rains

You know I love it when the news is bad

And why it feels so good to feel so sad

I´m only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

Pour your misery down, pour your misery down on me

I´m only happy when it rains

I feel good when things are going wrong

I only listen to the sad, sad songs

I´m only happy when it rains

I only smile in the dark

My only comfort is the night gone black

I didn´t accidentally tell you that

I´m only happy when it rains

You´ll get the message by the time I´m through

When I complain about me and you

I´m only happy when it rains

Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)

Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)

Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)

Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)

Pour your misery down (Pour your misery down)

Pour your misery down on me (Pour your misery down)

Pour your misery down

You can keep me company

As long as you don´t care

I´m only happy when it rains

You wanna hear about my new obsession?

I´m riding high upon a deep depression

I´m only happy when it rains

(Pour some misery down on me)

......

i yearn for u from the deepest part of my soul
but who u are i do not know
if only a light could be shed
then i would be content
contentment seems distant to me
just like the shadow of u whom i have not met
a shadow... a shadow which i long for
a shadow which i can hide myself in
a shadow to wrap myself in
i long for u
i yearn for u
but who are u

me.....

so little faith place in me, on me, upon me, around me

on the outside but too close to the inside

tears locked up on the inside

flooding the dams which are the window to my soul

crushing me, weighing me down, drowning me

swallowed inside of me it stains my heart

a little stain for the rest of my life

the stain with the beating of my heart

nobody spared a thought for me, for little ol me

nobody understand me, little ol me

so little faith placed in me, on me, upon me, around me

A picture......

when is a small picture larger than a big picture?

a small picture is a small picture is a small picture

piece by piece, small pictures come together

when put together, small pictures become a big picture

but small pictures are small pictures and is not a big picture

what is a picture if viewed otherwise?

a collection of small pictures?

how can we allow the small picture be larger than the big picture

pointless, pointless, pointless

i died.... i think....

i have come to realise... that i have died.... some time ago anyway... or so i think..... my death occurred around the same time as my grandfather's death.... it is somewhat related.... and i will explain how later on.... i think it is safe to say that a part of me died.... or maybe u can say that i lost my life force.... or my vibrancy.... or my will to live.... or my purpose... however u call it.... i did lose something.....

so.... this is one of my stories.... but before that... i shall go have a crap and smoke.... disgusted? so be it... lol....

if im not wrong... i was fourteen... was in sec school... yeah... that should be right... i knew that my grandfather has been sick... but it hasnt been that big a deal.... so i thought nothing of it.... anyway.... i was 14.... still young ya.... it was just like any other day..... i came home from school and all that.... my brother was out somewhere.... and suddenly... my dad and my grandfather and step mom wanted to bring me out..... i.... unexpectingly went with them.... in the end... we had a good dinner and i got home rather late.... like 10pm.... late by my standards then anyway..... and that was when they broke the news to me.... it was so offhand and it really caught me.... the offhand comment went something like this....

"tim, your katong gong gong just passed away...."

that was what i called him... katong gong gong..... it was easier to differienciate between grandfathers that way when i was younger..... my immediate reaction was "what!!!!" and of course i was angry.... because.... i found out.... he passed away 6 hrs ago..... they told me there was nothing i could do.... and there was no point going down to the hospital.... so they told me to get some sleep and see how it goes tmr.... disgruntled, but having no choice... i went to bed....

the next morning.... my mother came by and saw me and my brother....

they were both crying.... i understood why they were crying... i knew about death already... come on... i was 14..... but it just didnt hit me.... i was sad.... but i couldnt cry.... it wasnt because i knew i had to be strong and not cry and stuff like that..... but it was because i just couldnt cry.... there my brother and mum was... crying their hearts out.... and there i was... standing behind them.... telling them not to cry..... and not a single tear fell from my eyes.... i literally was trying to squeeze them out of my eyes.... but none came.... and i couldnt explain why.... there was just nothing....

i think.... that was when i died... i died along my grandfather.... my soul or at least half of it left with him.... maybe thats why sometimes i feel that my soul is black and yet transparent.... or its empty and heavy.... maybe its because some of it is missing? people who have knwon me then and who really know me now know that i am really different.... previously... i was more vibrant.... i would go ahead and do what i wanted to do... and get what i want.... i had purpose... i had direction.... i would lead people just because it was natural to me... i would tell people what to do and where to go... because it was me.... it was my role..... but now..... now its all different...

now.... i am content to sit back and go along for the ride..... u make the decision and i will be there..... u tell me what to do and i do it..... everything i do... i more or less do it for someone else.... i hardly ever do anything for my own sake anymore.... i am not alpha anymore... haha.... i gave up my rights and all that..... i have no purpose and direction... i lack it.... i guess people can probably feel or sense a sort of vibrancy from me.... but it really isnt obviously evident.... if i had to put into word... i would say that it is there.... but its not being utilised.... this is also due to the fact that i lack purpose and direction.... therefore..... i dare to say... i died...

who am i now? even i don't know.... my friends describe me as a 'lalang'..... something which sways with the wind.... and i guess they find it unnerving because they do not really know where my loyalties lie.... or if i do have loyalties at all.... but it is certain that i am not disloyal.... do u understand what i'm talking about? i hardly understand myself as well..... so if u have any clue.... please feel free to come up to me and enlighten me.... please.... i beg of you.....

wow.... this is quite a long entry isnt it? i thank u... whoever you are for reading the whole thing.... i hope that u did read the whole thing and not just skim through it and assume many things in this entry.... i wrote all this at a spur of the moment... and in one sitting.... i hope u appreciate it because i appreciate you for reading this.....

thank you.... whoever you are....

4th of July

so once again, ive polished off another depressing and dark book.... the title of the book that i read is "After Dark" by Murukami or something.... i don't know how i find these books... perhaps i have this special depressing magnetic aura... and thus books which are in tune to my aura are drawn to me and thus i am drawn to them..... i recently purchased veronika decides to die again... becase i cannot remember who i lent it to and its one of my fav books.... anyway...

after reading the book.. i was like super affected by it.... i was downright depressed man.... and i wanted to tell somebody how i feel at that time... but there was like nobody whom i could tell.... pathetic rite.... i realised that there isnt anyone whom i am particularly close to.... that i could share my innermost insecurities and feelings... well... she is overseas anyway.... which sucks.... lol....

my metaphysical heart, or my soul as i like to call it was feeling drained... empty..... and at the same time feels heavy.... and having nobody to talk to made me feel worse actually.... at that point of time... i really felt this sense of being alone... like totally suddenly... i mean... im used to the fact that i am lone most of the time.... but at that moment... it hit me.... and it stung.....

and guess what.... i have the sudden urge to just disappear again for awhile... maybe retreat to the east and hide there until his bad patch of my life passes? i dunno... i really dunno.... feeling a little frustrated lately.... sigh....

HOWEVER.... all this could be just attributed to the book i jus read..... maybe its just making e feel all this and thus all this feelings will disappear tomorrow morning.... *crosses fingers*

colour from my soul draining away

from a brackish darkness bled into transperancy

empty and heavy at the same time

a nothingness, a void

i have come to comprehend

i have to understand and live this nothingness

who can understand me

where can i find you

how have you been

willowy wisp.....

to catch a falling star
flashing bright against the night sky
covered in the silken shadows of darkness
but as bright as the sun which shines upon us all......

tears that grow frozen on the inside
felt by those around
seen by no one but known to all......

suicide.....

i desire.... i desire release from the shackles which is life... these shackles around the wrists and ankles bond me to suffering and pain.... maybe a cut.... maybe a slice.... let me bleed... bleed forth which is liquid life.... pour onto the earth and drink me up.... a few seconds of pain and the remainder of life in sweet pleasure.... surrender to despair..... let the darkness swallow me whole... nothing.... i wish for nothingness.....

believe.....

my best friend asked me today... "how can i be with someone who i dun love?" in other words.... this guy loves her... but she doesnt love him... are things then possible? i told her... i tried... and i cannot... i cannot be with somebody whom i have no feelings with... i just cannot... i mean... it was just not possible... i dunno if its just me... but i really don't think so... u jus cannot be with somebody whom u don't love... the emotions and feelings are just not there.... and i feel thats the most important thing in the world... the feeling...

i like somebody just because i like her... not because she has money... not because she is pretty... but only... and only because i like her.... the feeling is there... and nothing in this world can change that.... i truly believe that nothing else matters... and it is just the feeling.... call me foolish or whatever.... but when i have made up my mind... it is difficult to change it.... stubborn? maybe.... but who cares... as long as i am true to myself.... i feel that that is all that matters.... who is to judge me or tell me what to do.... i know what i'm doin.... i know what i want.... that's all that matters.... hear me out.... be true to urself... if that is what u want... nobody can change ur mind.... under no circumstance doubt yourself or be swayed in your decision....

believe in yourself... and never regret.....

-tim-

(or recently known as naima)

night....

on a night so fair
i wish i was there
to say goodnight to you.....

the sweetest kiss
on the softest lips
i wish to leave with you.....

a gentle whisper
a soft caress
as a tear so bright and clear
trails from your eyes
brushed away by my hand.....

yourscent on my skin
as i holdyou close
a memory i will never forget
a touch so old
somethings i will cherish forever....

thinking back....

im feeling really emo tonight.... many reminders of the past.... had a talk with my friend... and i realised that ive been hanging on too much to the past.... i have to admit it was really great times... but yes... i have to move on... all i have are these memories... and they seem to keep resurfacing..... there's nothing i can do about it but to think back.. they bring this little smile to my face.... and im glad to have them.... but they are the past.... i have to come back to the present... to the now... i cannot regret.... i musn't.... its never easy..... but it has to be done i guess....

so... where are the new beginnings? the truth is... i havent been socialising... not really in the mood... havent really met anybody new in a while.... as in to get to know a person well.... haha.... i think i need a new friend.... sounds funny... yet pathetic..... haiz.... but who knows.... u dont plan this kind of thing.... it just happens rite? so... i'll just leave it to fate.... come what may... and hopefully make the best out of whatever happens.....

wish me luck....

once in a lifetime.....

*(When the night falls
I will wait for you
I want to drive you crazy tonight
With the full moon
I will wait for you
Today you will die in my arms
You never dreamed about something like this)


When you're near me
I close my eyes
I want to feel you by my side
When you kiss me
I close my eyes
Want you by my side


When I realise there's no telling lies
Then I know it once in a lifetime
Making love to you
Everytime it's new
You know you're my once in a lifetime


*(All your body will tremble
But this time it will be real
Though time passes by
You will never, never forget it
It will beOnly once in your lifetime)


When you touch me
I burn inside
Cold and shiver down my spine
When you take me
So hot in love
Can't get enough


When I realise there's no telling lies
Then I know it once in a lifetime
Making love to you
Everytime it's new
You know you're my once in a lifetime


*. spanish

reminence.....

i think i am one of the few to have experienced the worst and best day of my life to coincide at the same time.... this was many years ago... and i am reminencing....

there was this girl... whom i liked.... i remember that i've met her once... and didnt see her again until a year later.... i realised that i liked her very much and so i tried to do something about it.... i sort of 'chased' her for 3 months and we were 'sort of' together for one month.....

at about the end of that one month.... it was like any other day.... we met after school and went out to watch a movie.... i cannot really remember what movie it wa but it doesnt matter....

sometime during the movie.... i looked into her eyes... and told her those 3 forbidden words.... those magical and yet tragic words.... i said to her... "i love you" and then i kissed her.... that was the first time i had kissed her.... and i have to admit... it was really nice.... i remember that those lips that i had kissed were nice and full.... simply... it was nice....

the movie ended... all was well... i told her that i would send her home.... we took a bus.... and stopped at her place.... it was raining..... i cannot remember why... but we decided to just walk in the rain.... it was a light drizzle at first.... but then... caught really in between anywhere.... it started to pour.... and we were drenched....

this was the magical part.... we jus reveled in the rain.... we held hands and literally skipped in the rain.... we splashed water at each other.... and we were totally and thoroughly soaked.... to me... it wasnt cold... it was warm.... the rain was one of those sudden bursts of showers.... and the sun was still shining.... the rain subsided somewhat and the sun shone.... we were just about to reach her place.... we parted there... at a junction just around her place..... this is when i kissed her again..... we were both soaked... the sun was shining..... rain water was dripping down my face... and all i could think of was how lovely she was.... and how great this is..... little did i know that this was the last time that i would kiss her ever again....

i began to return home.... it started to rain again.... i was positively elated..... i was the happiest thing on earth... and i thought to myself.... "this is the happiest day of my life" i payed no heed to the rain.... me with a contented smile... was walking out of her estate.... a bus driver even offered me a ride out of there.... but i refused.... happy to be alone with this wonderful feeling..... i finally made it to the bus stop.....

upon reaching home... i sent her an sms... informing her that i have gotten home safely.... and that i really was very happy today... and there was this wonderful feeling inside of me.....
i received a reply.... it was a simple message... a question... which i thought little of..... the message read... "what is love?"

i do not wish to continue.... the rest of the story is very simple... im sure w
hoever u are reading it will get it.... i do not wish to elaborate.....
memories.........

seed....

descending from the midnight sky
into the dark earth
burrowing into the ground
going under

fallen apart seperated from grace
into the dirt once again
faith in a fallacy
buried by the truth
dead or alive
nobody knows

a full moon now
gone tomorrow
borrowing the light
the light of fools

climbing once again
breaching the surface
headed towards warmth
standing alone, standing tall
looking backaway from the past
a new life is sprung
growing strong
another dayanother life



err... ahem... hmm.....have you ever wondered.... is a seed alive or dead.... i mean... plants are living organisms.... but when the plant flowers and fruits.... the moment the seed leaves the plant... is detached from it.... is it still alive? i remember they taught in school that seeds have potential energy.... but wtf.... who cares... is it alive or not? isnt it wondrous that something without life can give/produce life? hmm....

anyway... this post is ESPECIALLY dedicated to pammie.... the pig....

this may not be of total relevence to u... but it could.... i dunno.... but it may be to some ppl of similar situations??? anyway... please forgive me if i did any wrong.... i wrote better one last night... but under the influence of alcohol... i somehow didnt save my work.... and tonight.... once again under the influence.... i wrote this..... although a little rushed.... but still i know u will appreciate it..... sorrow.... despair..... wallow in it for awhile.... but dun forget to get up again..... i think that is ultimately the message im trying to get through......... i think...... anyway... my promise still stands..... TONS OF ICE CREAM!!!!!!

-timmy-

(oh please.... do not call me timmy in front of my other friends.... they may laugh at me... )
(i wrote this abt 2weeks ago... clsnt post it up earlier...)

sigh........

a sweet delectable scent
a fragile whisper
the gentlest of touches
on bare smooth skin

in my dreams
i see, i taste, i feel
a longing so strong
it seems larger than me

within reach
yet out of grasp
my stomache churns
as my heart sinks

emotions touch my lips
as tears fill my eyes
a breathe escapes
into a soft sigh

simple and soft
gentle and warm
i breathe your name
a name i do not know......

mambo..........

the sweet bitter taste of alcohol running through my veins.... coupled with being surrounded by a couple of girating bodies.... the temperature hot enough to boil water.... the fun i had...... mere words are unable to comprehand.... the slightly drunken stupor which i am currently am..... so relaxed.... so at ease.... i've got no more worries in this world..... let me die now.... i will be joyful.... join me......

longing....

longing for gentle caress
a warm embrace
someone to lay down with,
face to face

longing for belonging
to somebody close
a shoulder to cry on,
some one who knows

longing for somebody
to hold my hand
to be together,
together count sand

i long for some one
some one honest and true
to be with me,
maybe its you......

chained.....

two shades darker den black
a whirlpool of dust in the abyss
a stabbing knife, a bleeding heart
my head hung low in my hands.....

insanity rips from within
tearing my soul apart
a mess of flesh and blood
is all thats left......

i wish to run away
a trail of bloody footprints are left
the darkness follows me
and attempts to devour me once again.....

caught in a corner
too weak to struggle
a chain on my neck
a chain to my soul......

10th of March.....

in the dark of the night
a chill spreads through my bones
an old gnawing feeling in the middle of my chest
something so dreadful and yet familiar

in this loveless world
i drown in my sorrows
drunk with it, nothing ever matters no more

the stars brightly against the black sky
yet they bring me no warmth
so real and yet so fake
i have no us for them

i wish to dream
to dream forever and never wake up
dream a sweet peaceful dream
dream i must......

fantasy

i wish i could lay on my back
smell the grass and feel the sun
staring up onto the heavens
waiting for an angel to appear

as the winds caress my face
i think of nothing else
for once i am content
who can help me fufil my dream

the stars watching me
the trees playing music only to my ears
the warmth of the earth
i feel my own heart beating

waiting, always waiting
for whom i'll never know
for what only i know
it is all i want......

goals.....

i have decided..... i currently have $500 of spare cash...... $550 as of last night barca winning liverpool ( yeah baby, yeah!) although barca failed to qualify, it was good watching liverpool lose again..... hahaha.....

anyway... i have a plan.... i'm gonna try and transform this $550 and make it into 3x that much.... $1650..... its gonna be tough... its gonna be difficult.... but with faith in myself.... and a little bit of luck.... i will make it!!! i wil reach the top... and probably spend it all in one day... muahahahaha....... that is the current goal which i have..... im gonna try and gamble my way through the next 4 months.... sounds idiotic? but i will do it.....

I WILL MAKE IT!!!

tim.....

When he was little, his parents had gotten divorced. He did not know what was going on, and so he accepted it as it was. Everything fell into routine for him. Only getting to see and go out with his mother once every two weeks, being alone most of the time and nobody's hand to hold when he wakes up. Initially he could not sleep well, as he was afraid of being alone in the room, and so he would page for his father every night until the page was returned and was assured by him that he was coming home soon. And so, he was alone.

Circumstances forced him to grow up fast. Well, a little too fast. He had to learn everything on his own. Nobody taught him how to tie his shoe-laces, nobody taught him how to cook noodles, nobody taught him how to cope being alone. The most important thing that he could not understand is why his mother isn't by his side. When he went to school, he thought that it was normal to not see their mother's so often. He thought that everybody was going through the same thing as him. Oh how was he wrong.

The thing is, he has never blamed anyone. He just accepted it.

The problem with growing up too fast is that he does not know how to deal with his emotions properly. All he did was put it aside. And as he grew up, things were quite difficult for him to grasp. He has had problems with his relationships. Sometimes he just got too close, sometimes he wasn't close enough. He did not know how much space to give, as he felt that, "Ah! Finally, i have someone to be with, and I do not want to let go of this." At other times, "Oh no. I cannot be so close to somebody. It just feels wrong." Boy, was he one confused kid. I guess that is the reason why none of his relationships has lasted more than three months. But he just accepted it, and soldiered on.

He always has a mask on. Seldom do you actually see his true face. He does not do it on purpose, I think its just necessary for him to put on a fake front. So that he does not get hurt. Even if he is hurting, he would not let anyone know. Most of the time, there are simply put, two sides to him. A light side and a dark side. He feels that he has a dual nature. He is a good person, yet a bad one at the same time. He wants to live life, but yearns to die. He seems happy, but is tuly sad. He is a pessimist, but still hopes. He is a dreamer and yet he knows that his dreams will not come true. That is sad. Is it not?

-tim-

we have forgotten.....

We Have Forgotten

Dreams, inconsistent angel things

Horses bred with star-laced wings

But it's hard to make them fly, fly, fly

These wings beat the night sky 'bove the town

One goes up and one goes down

And so the chariot hits the ground, bound, bound

We have forgotten (Don't try to make me fly)

How it used to be (I'll stay here, I'll be fine)

How it used to be (Don't go and let me down)

How it used to be (I'm starting to like this town)

When wings beat the night sky 'bove the ground

Will I unwillingly shoot them down

With all my petty fears and doubts, down, down?

We have forgotten (Am I in love with this?)

How it used to be (My constant broken ship)

How it used to be (Don't go, I'll shoot you down

How it used to be (I'm starting to like this town)

this is the song that i wanted u to hear.... i wrote u an email about it remember? its by sixpence none the richer.... anyway... i dun really get its meaning... but it touches me... i hope you'll understand what i mean.... perhaps u'll understand it the way i do.... its been a long time since i saw you... but still... i wish u all the best.... be more confident... because i believe in you... u do have what it takes... so go far..... take lots of care of yourself ya..... and maybe someday... we'll bump into each other.... cheers.....

-timmy-

saying goodbye to an angel........

its always difficult to say goodbye... especially to a close friend.... ahh.... but let me tell u.. last nite... it was different.... i was saying goodbye to an angel... yes.... its the truth..... joseph pang.... is an angel... he came down from heaven to brighten up our lives...... taught us to be more patient..... to let us be more appreciative of honesty..... and be generally good.... if joseph was one thing.... the word to be used here is good..... i'll really miss him... as he embarks on a new phase of his life.... i wish him all the best.... and i know he'll take care of himself..... angels can take care of themselves... cant they?

dance of death.......

in a circle of darkness, i am within....
black flames leap out at me......
so distinct to my eye, it is wondrous and beautiful......
i reach to it and it is eerily cool....
a bolt of ecstasy rushes through me.....
and i dance..... i dance....

a mixture of pain and pleasure.....
energy spent but i am not tired.....
no fears and no apologies....
in a trance i know no limits.....
and so i dance... i dance.....

a tingling sensation in my fingers....
a trembling in my lips....
a shot right up my spine.....
drenched in sweat and blood....
metallic and salty....
pleasure and pain.....
and so i danced......

seething hope.....

i know most of the time, my posts sounds rather sad... it at least starts off sad.... when i wanted to write this post, i wanted to start with, "despair....", "as i drown in......" but i thought i'll try something different for a change....



OH MY GOD!!!! this was the best day ever!!!!! It was like...........................................



i'm sorry... did i disappoint? i just cannot do it... it does not seem natural to me.... i'm a pessimist.... u know... glass half empty? half full of poison? if u have read my preious posts, maybe u can tell? for example....

as i dwelve deeper into this pool of sorrow

my mind is twirled darker

along with it goes hope and light

in a nightmare which i cannot awaken

on the edge of insanity

demise seems emminent

my soul reaches further into the dark side

a comforting madness carresses me

i give over to the warm embrace

so is the picture clearer now? dark... i guess thats what i am.... but anyway... what i wanted to write about is that tomorrow promises to be a smash.... but promises are broken so often.... are they not? i do hope that it'll be good tomorrow night.... if not i'll just depend on the alcohol to keep me satisfied.... always help doesnt it? liquid poison... clear.... sweet... and burning down the throat....

i thirst......

taste it.....

can u taste it? do u know what this is? let me tell u... tis the taste of freedom.... yes people.... i have completed my 22months of national service....

it was a quiet affair.... few people were there.... only the familiar dark corridoors and the still air of the air conditioned office...

but underneath it all.... there was a current of electricity.... everything was abuzz with excitement.... yes.... ORD.... and my goodness.... did it feel good.... nothing will ever feel the same.....

now, as i sit here.... in front of the tv.... with a soft drink in my hand.... with all the time in the world.... i will savour it.... sweet sweet luxury of time.... how i missed you....

which random phallic object are you?

Which random phallic object are you?
Quiz by Andrea.

silly....

a silly thought crossed my mind today.... after being asked to advise on a relationship problem... i felt as if i would like to have one.... as in have some problem pertaining to a relationship.... and of course to have a relationship.... silly aren't i....

but isnt love a foolish thing? it seems that it only brings complications and hardship.... when was the last time u head of someone really really appreciating their significant other? as in like... "i really am grateful for xxx as he really stood by me wen i most needed him..." and not, "OMG.... u won't believe what xxx bought for me... i love him to bits!!" there's a difference... could u tell?

so... my last paragraph was written to help justify me being silly... = >

and on another note.... i said it out today... but i guess its the truth.... honesty is not appreciated.... i mean... nbody appreciates the truth anymore.... there was once i thought that "at least i was beng honest" for eg: "did u take my money?", "erm.... yes i did....." but i came to realise that nobody cares.... so what is the use of being honest anymore? i guess im just ranting today..... its like 5am and im still awake... im nuts.... silly.... i like the word "silly"... = >

intertwined.....

i stare at the brink of my demise....
i walk on a razor's edge....
a step away from my impending death....
certainty has never been so clear....

i awake from a dream....
a nightmare began....
pleasure and pain intertwined as one....
i search for the area between....
a juxtaposition....

redemption has escaped me....
i am cursed....
the walking dead....
hurt me... so i can feel....

Mrs Tan...

as my younger brother and sister squabble about their school days... i remember my old school days...

it was my pri5 form teacher who actually inspired me to study... she is my best teacher so far... Mrs Tan.... i remember her being the fiercest teacher at that point in time... and she was the one that told me to buck up or i'll end up miserable.. from then on.. i took lit, reading and studies seriously.... i must admit... i owe much to her... and last time... when i had time i would have gone to visit her, but she has since left teaching and when on to pursue her dreams... if im not wrong, she went on to be a missionary in china... i guess it would be safe to say that she was the one who inspired me to work hard... i did relatively well in pri skool and continued on in sec and jc... i hope that this spirit can continue when i get into university... i shall never forget my roots... and i will be forever grateful to her....

cheers to you....

prophecy....

in the depths of my soul...
something stirs within me...
a dark sense of foreboding...
of whats to come...

turmoil and trouble...
vengence and vendetta...
a storm of emotions...

things broken but cannot be held...
fallen apart and fallen to dust....

all this i foresee....

inspiration.....

been feeling down lately, and have been unable to put it down in words... it is frustrating but there's nothing i can do about it... ive lost my inspiration.... sometimes i wonder if its only sorrow which inspires me to write what i have.... and when i think about it... it seems that it is true... and that is really sad... don't u think?

i like to wallow in sorrow... i like to remember things and look back and smile.... i understand the term "sweet sorrow"... so does that make me a manic depressive? i hope not... i think i'm just unconsolable... and thats all.... no mental problems and all that...

i am a pessimist... a cynic... and a believer... hard to understand huh... but thats the way i am... and i am not looking for people to pity me, but to understand me.... i know that its not easy.... but if u have come to know me, u will understand all that i have written and all that i have said and done...

so my friends reading this... please do not be alarmed... if u know me... u know that this is normal.... lol.... take care you....

sorrow...

it stirs within me... this brooding darkness.... it threatens to consume me whole... this sweet sweet melancholy....it washes through me... and in me.... i can never let it go... i am afraid... yet i yearn it so... it comes when i'm alone... it comes when it rains... its my faithful companion...