......

Every single person wants someone to be beside them. Likewise, i would like someone to be beside me as well. Waking up in the morning, or whatever the time it is which you wake up, the sight of someone else's back or her neck, gives that sense of security, knowing that you have somebody. Why don't I have someone like that? Someone who can tie me down to this world of uncertainty and dissapointments. Alas, one can only dream, wish and hope. I can only wish dream and hope. This is pathetic.

solitare........

solitary.... sometimes it is comforting and yet at times it can be quite unbearable....
the heavy rains floods my thoughts as i sit here in solitary.....
there are people around, but strangers are strangers and i am alone.....
i see other people in their solitary as well.... i would like to ask them, "are u lonely?" sounds creepy rite? but i meant it in not the perverted sense.....

its nice to be alone in your thoughts... letting the mind wander... funny how thoughts wonder.... who would really know what other people are thinking....

i like the rain.... not those small frilly droplets of rain, but the hard pounding ones.... when u look up into the sky, u can see countless droplets falling... jus falling..... when they ram themselves against the window it is rather amazing how their trailing patterns evolve.... crazy? who me?

perhaps perhaps perhaps..... but who is to judge? arent we all crazy in one way or another? one person's insanity could be another's salvation.....

it has been a day full of foreboding..... sucky day today is.... but watching the rain somehow makes me feel better.... silly huh.....

guess im thinking too much.... but who cares.... my thoughts are erratic and i am feeling fickle.... im not going to think before speaking today... a sort of experiment.... jus freely speak my mind... curse, swear.... whatever i am thinking.... i will not think first... hmm.... is it appropriate to say this or that..... i will jus go ahead with it..... my little experiment....

winded winding window.....

the wind howls at my window while i am sitting here
feeling empty and the word jaded is too cliched.... i do not like dat word
empty.... it has alot of undertones to it.... more complex....
lots of work to do at school.... so many things to read.....
expanding my memory to an infinite vastness.... lol... yeah right.....
slow and steady... silent and creeping..... and bam... u die....
so wad are u going to do today?

apologies and thank yous.....

hey....

it was nice seeing all of you again....

first of all i would like to apologize if i have offended you in the past or anything to that extant.... its jus been a really long time... and i think things have cooled down already......

i told other people this before.... i am one who burn bridges rather than bear grudges..... so ya... i hope u would understand.....

secondly, i would like to thank you all....

thank you for not doubting me.... thank you for still calling me your friend.... thank you.... and thank you....




for ever and ever and ever,
-Tim-

when i was happy......

someone told me... i should pen down my happy thoughts... i will try....



- when i was a young boy... i taught my dog a golden retriever named Elfie how to do a trick...

- played with my childhood neighbour rachel.... we threw water at each other and i lost when she took out the hose.....

- playing video games with my neighbours when we were in primary school.....

- english lessons in primary school, coz i felt i learnt alot from mrs tan....

- did a 1000 piece jigsaw puzzle for adeline for our one month anniversary (i did it in 6hrs straight)

- had the happiest day of my life walking cherie home in the rain......

- spent a few afternoons sleeping in the library while i was in YJC

- met a few good idiot friends in my first yr of CJC

- i met danielle.... for the first time there was someone who was dark... jus like me.....

- mindless karaoke with chok, ben kang, ben teo and tim chan

- watched zoolander over and over again with the above mentioned idiots....

- met alex and geoffrey and my fat smelly buddy tyler.... army life... lol

- playing dota with wen sheng colin alvin and candy

- playing cabal with wen sheng colin pipi alvin... and err... dunno if candy counted... hahaha

- finding out that there are those who regard me as a good friend even though years have passed....

- finally... i was happy... for a short while.. but it still counted...



thank u my friend... who suggested i do this....


-tim-

a sonnet....

the absence of light leaves only the dark
it corrodes my soul and leaves it bare
i smile in the darkness, cold and unfeeling
even when in sorrow, my smile is always there

time passes with my existance
tears gather in my eyes
my heart cries out for me once again
another pieces of me dies

shattered pieces of my soul
too small to put together
sharp enough to cut, to bleed
again, too small to matter

i give myself over to the darkness
and i will smile once more

cold again?

a cold chill struck my heart
it toyed with my soul
but together with it was a the warmth of a wind
a kind gentle wind
it renewed my spirit
and quietened my soul
a sweet sorrow
a new hope

im glad that you are alrite and that you let me know that you are fine....
u do not have to apologise for u have not done anything wrong
u do not have to be so thankful for i did little
i am happy for you....
that too is a kind of happiness.....

-timmy-

cold....

the cold embrace of the night chills my bones to the core
darkness brings with it no warmth
a dim light so far away kept hidden with utmost care
the shadows consume my soul

wishes.....

so... i managed to wake up after the sleeping pill... surprise surprise!

but the thing is... i woke up only after sleeping for 30mins.... yes... its true.... i woke up... check the time.... only 30mins had passed.... my body felt immensely heavy and i thought i could fall back asleep.... oh well.... things don't always work out the way u plan it right?

so i fell asleep at 330am... and i woke up at 10am... not too bad right? wrong.... i still have double layer dark eye bags....

so... ive stayed up until now... 208am.... in hopes of falling peacefully asleep.... i hope....

been coughing badly.... sort of like a dry cough... but not that dry.... know what i mean?

as the darkness descends and twilight seems so far away.....
i yield to the night, to the stars, to the unfaltering skies....
i hope for a peaceful slumber....
dreamless or with dreams it matters not...
i wish for peace....
peace in my heart.... peace in my soul.....
i hope.... i pray.....

chakra.....

so here i am again....

i cant fall asleep.... i went to bed earlier and woke up after half an hour for no rhyme or reason.... its now 445am... omg....

my brother gave me 2 sleeping pills.... i dunno why but i seem to be resisting them.... here are some reasons...

- its already 445am... i most probably will fall asleep soon... taking a pill now will probably be wasting it... practical reasons...

- if i take one to fall asleep, will i then become dependent upon sleeping pills to fall asleep next time? paranoid mentality.....

cant realli remember the other reasons..... hey.... u cant blame me... i havent been sleeping enough..... so much so... that i have a double layer eye bag.... yes its true!!! there's a smaller more pronounced "bag" directly below the eye.... and it is encircled by a larger dark ring.... gross rite?

anyway.... i want to talk about something....

i have this memory when i was young... that my mother brought me to a temple.... there, the monks sort of did something.... they opened my third eye it seems.... recently, i asked my mother about it.... and she says that she did bring me to a temple when i was young... but the details were fuzzy.... im pretty sure they opened my third eye... i remember it rather vividly.... but dont worry... i dont think i can see ghosts....

anyway... i did some research into this area.... and it seems that the third eye is actually a chakra.... an energy point in the body... and the significance of this particular chakra is that.... it allows the individual to be more aware of things happening.... and to be more open to things... sort of opening your mind... if u know what i mean.... and it is the chakra for visions... i dont believe in that by the way.... actually... i dont know....

well... anyway.... the thing is... i feel that i have a good attention for details.... and i always seem to notice things and remember stuff without knowing.... however, i found out... there is a downside to this.... it seems that my heart is more frail.... because the mind is strong, the heart is frail.... because u always notice facts and truths, u lose heart in many matters..... know what i mean? anyway... if u dont jus go and google it..... its called the ajna chakra....

im going to try to sleep in a while.... tomorrow night i will go to bed early and take one pill.... oh ya... i jus remembered another reason why i didnt take a pill up to now....

maybe after i fall asleep.... i wont wake up?

a moment

my throat is killing me....

for the past few mornings.... i had to spit green bullets out of my mouth....

i think its a proper throat infection rather den a normal sore throat.... its realli annoying... maybe dats y i haf problems sleeping?

stupid school module bidding system.... i onli managed to get 2 modules during this round of bidding... i think the whole system is stupid... couldnt get the 2 courses i wanted the most some more... haf to wait until monday and then see how again.... annoying....

havent been myself recently.... i think got something to do with the alignment of the moons and the stars and all that.... my personality has been changing rather drastically.... rather then saying a full out personality change.... perhaps its better to say mood swing? i dunno....

in two days, ive had 2 friends who suggested dat i should cut down on my smoking.... hahahaha.... i found it amusing.... no offence.... it was jus amusing.....

a poison which slowly eats u away
a poison u cant live without each day
a poison which i have come to appreciate
a poison, a poison,
perhaps it was fate.....

ya guess what i was talking about.... yup... it was about smoking... but reading it again.... it could be used to describe love no? hahaha...... having one of those dark moments again....

i will now try to go and sleep....

ta ta...

slumber....

i have had trouble sleeping lately....
and when i slept... it was troubled...
kept waking every half hour, one hour....
i am so tired....

its sad that its your heart u cant trust.....

these 2 days have been extremely bad for me.... i know i have been distant to everybody... and i would like to thank you all for the care and concern u all have shown me....

a month ago, my mother called me and asked me for some money... she said that her friend's father had passed away and had no money to hold a funeral service for him... so my mom said she wanted to borrow some money so as to help her friend out.... and she didnt have any money because her money was stuck in a fixed deposit account for another month....

i found all this suspicious, because the euros had jus finished... and there were a number of upsets... and i analyzed the situation and all and felt that some things did not add up... but i still chose to believe her.... who wouldnt believe their own mother?

so i borrowed money from someone... and i passed it to my mother... initially she said she will pay back at the end of the month, which was june... at the end of june i called her and asked her for the money... she said that i was mistaken and dat she meant the end of july... so i explained the situation to the person whom i borrowed money from... and he agreed to let me pay back at the end of july....

so... i went on a trip to vietnam with my mom to visit my brother... it was planned long ago and the plans couldnt be changed... i came back to singapore first and then my mom and my brother came back after... the day after they came back... i called my mom and asked her about the money... she started to make excuses and etc... and at that moment my heart skipped a beat... and i felt as if i wanted to die... i calmly told her that i will settle it... and i hung up....

i knew you know... i already knew that something was amiss and i knew the consequences which would follow if my mother couldnt pay up.... but i still believed her.... i wanted to believe her so much... i hoped and hoped that she would come through.... but no.... my faith has been misplaced... and i was in a sense betrayed by my own mother... who wouldnt even dare tell me the truth.... i had put so much faith in her..... she was my mother afterall... which mother would lie to her own son so....

i am devastated... my mind is in a disarray... i feel supremely messed up.... i feel so fucked up... words cant describe how i feel anymore... betrayed... like that.... i cannot take it... i have been veri unstable since then... and i dont know anymore....

i dont know what to believe anymore.... i dont know if i can even trust myself anymore.... i obviously knew... yet... i couldnt help but believe the false truth.... dear god... i feel so lost... i feel so helpless... i feel alot of pain.... i am in alot of pain....

shite.....

i want to cry but i cant... the tears are just not coming....

i am not sure if my tears have gone dry or whether it is because i am not sad... i cant say for sure...

i cant cry because i am happi? but why den do i want to cry?

within you i see myself
in your tears i see my reflection
in your shadows i see a light
by your side i see happiness
when i cant see you i see a plight

when you are happy so am i
in your sorrow i am with you
in your joy....
i seem so far away.......

hmm.......

these few days have been a mixture of sweetness and sorrow.....

im in heaven whenever i am by her side, and i feel such profound sorrow when she leaves....

ive tried to be strong, and i am still trying... guess i have to try harder huh....

the distance between us has been growing.... i am not sure if this is jus me thinking too much and giving in to my insecurities etc etc, or the distance realli is growing.....

but truthfully i dont care... as long as she is happy, so will i....

about me.....

this is a post about me.....

23 years of my existance... ive never realli been happi.... there was that onli one time... back when i was 16... for once.... i was realli happy.... but it turned out to be another sad day for me.... 7 years later... im afraid dat it may happen again.... that i will go through another one of those happiest cum saddest days of my life kind of thing.... but the difference now is dat i can take it.... and i know what to expect.... so realli... im kinda prepared for it.... so im thinking dat i shud be alrite....

all this time... i do not know how to be loved... or the feeling of being loved... i haf no idea what that is like.... i would like to find out..... but i guess i will jus haf to keep on waiting....

all i know how to do is to give and give and give....... i have never regretted being like dat.... people have said that im being stupid... but so what... bite me.... i am like dat.... i like to give... i like to give me all....

but for what? i dont know myself.... maybe its so dat when im giving... i dont think about myself... i dont think how lonely i realli am.... how sad i realli am....

i realized that i lived in a home without love.... mother wasnt around, father wasnt around.... my own brother was too busy with his own issues to care about me.... i have always felt as if nobody cared about me..... i grew up in this way.... i grew up too fast... i made myself independent, to be able to move on without the need of being cared for... and that has entirely crippled my soul.....

what a nice phrase... crippled my soul.... i like it....

i dunno what to do... i realli dont... i want to give and give and give.... but there isnt anybody for me to give it to is there?

i shed tears last night... onli 3.... should have been more, but none came.... i didnt haf that crappy feeling in my chest... for that i am thankful... i dun think i could have survived it....

wont somebody let me take care of you.... to receive what i have to give.... my all....

-agape-

tagged........

hmm.... ok... so 2 hrs has passed since my new post... den i went to browse ppl's blogs.... and i found out that I HAVE BEEN MENTIONED!!!!!!

lol.... so anyway... i have been tagged..... and in the spirit of tradition/boredom/boredom/boredom/emo/slightly intoxicated....... i shall answer a few questions.... those who know me.... lol.... u know what to expect.....

Q1: If ure lover betrayed u, wad would ure reaction be?

i would hope and pray that my lover hasnt fallen in love with another person, for that would spell doom/ destruction/suicide/annihilation for me..... for it is ok to have done misdeeds, but it is unforgivable to have fallen in love again with someone else.....

Q2: If u haf a dream come true, what would it be?

ok... this is simple enough.... i would like to strike toto.... not those 450k ones.... but those 3-6million ones.... 'nuff said.....

Q3: if u could be at one place now.... where would it be?

i think i would like to be in the past.... the see everything happen again...... in my life of course..... to just be a voyeur? lol.... i would like to see what has happened to make me who i am today....

Q4: are u confused to as what lies ahead for u?

well.... not really.... i know what i want to do.... i haf no set goals.... i want to be happy.... thats all....

Q5: what's your ideal lover like?

someone who cares for me whole heartedly...... someone whom i can take care of.... some one whom can take care of me..... someone....... (wah kan si lang emo.... pls excuse me... i jus finished a drinking session and am still intoxicated....)

Q6: which is more blessed? being loved by someone or loving someone?

i dunno why.... but i feel happier when i love someone.... whereas i dunno how to appreciate it when im being loved.... stupid? ya me..... stupid/foolish/moronic....

Q7: how long do u intend to wait for someone u really love?

a whole lifetime if i know that that someone is out there.... and i know that my waiting will eventually unite myself with her.... if only i knew.....

Q8: if the person u secretly liked is attached, what would u do?

this is a very Tim kind of answer.... wait.... do nothing and wait.... wait wait wait wait wait..... and hope that there are such things as fairy tale endings.....

Q9: is there anything which has made u unhappy these past days?

sometimes i do not know if it were my own fault for being unhappy or whether it is due to the circumstances..... but generally, i am an unhappy person.... i jus wish to be distracted from all the shit around which is happening..... to answer the question more directly..... 2 things.... seeing someone...... and reading something....... (seperate occurances by the way)

Q10: What do you want most in life?

happines.....

Q11: is being tagged fun?

i dont know.... i am currently awake at 723am answering these questions and am still slightly intoxicated from mixing tequila, whisky(2types, chivas and martell) and champagne....

Q12: how do u see yourself in 10 years time?

working.... leading an independent life.... more carefree.....

Q13: who is the current most important person to u?

easy la this question..... my mummy..... she has suffered so much.....

Q14: What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?

outgoing, extroverted, fun, buddy.......

Q15: Would you rather be single and rich or married but poor?

wah.... this is dam tuff..... the truth is.... i would rather be poor and happy..... but im not sure if i am answering the question..... erm.... i think married but poor......

Q16: if u could have an animal for a pet.... what would it be?

i think i would like a small dog, who could understand what i am saying..... hard to explain..... but if u know me.... u would understand......

Q17: what are one of those things u would prefer not to do?

make a fool of myself..... in public.... definately......

Q18: what kind of person do u think u are?

i am veri complicated..... masochistic..... thinking too much...... intelligent(hopefully).... emo(i was emo b4 this whole emo punk shit came about.....) passionate..... caring....... but sometimes i am rash..... unrestricted...... hack care...... i am gemini.....multiple personality.... who me?

Q19: what do u define as a bad day?

when something reminds me of the past.... and the regrets well up from the bottom of my heart.... the center of my chest has this tightening feeling..... and it sucks..... it is a sucky feeling..... when i have the above mentioned symptoms, it has been a sucky day.....

Q20: if u had to choose between love and friendship, what would it be?

love.... definately love...... i would give up everything.... and my friends.... if they were true friends and know me well enough.... would have known this already...... and would never blame me for this choice.....




ok... done... im supposed to name people and hope that they answer to this? i dont realli care to.... im sorri..... but ya.... im lazy.....

after re-reading this.... shit man.... i am damn disgustingly emo..... but i cant realli help it..... it is who i am..... oh well.....

Disclaimer: i am lacking of sleep and am under the influence of alcohol.... err..... blame is deserving where it is due for whatever reason..... not sober enough to care though......

whatever............

lots of care......

i am contented..... i today... found out that my all my friends are doing well..... for that i am thankful.....

i am happy that they are doing well.... i truly and really am happy.... im glad that everything is alright.... that everything... although a little bland, is going well for them......

i wish that everyone is doing fine as well......

although i havent seen or heard or talked to u all in a while.... from the deepest recesses of my heart.... i do truthfully wish that u are doing well....

although i have had a little to drink..... but it jus makes me think a little more..... that my friends do matter alot to me.....

if i never have the chance to tell u this.... then i would like to take this opportunity to say that.....

i hope that u are doing alrite..... and that if i havent spoken or talked to u in a while.... that i am sorry..... all my friends mean a lot to me.... and that means YOU mean alot to me.....

take lots of care....

i lurve u all.....

why does it always rain on me....

tears have long dried.... heart is stabbed again.... thats how i feel....
no sense of consideration..... my soul just lost another fragment.....

why does it always rain on me?

i am tired.... oh so tired.....

dearly beloved.... so long and goodnight.....

its been long.....

its been a while... hi... how have you been doing?
me? oh im fine thank you....
exams are done with.... no stress... in fact.. ive just moved to east coast....
yes yes... the air here is fresher... people here are more handsome/pretty.....

how is my soul?
well... its till here.... but im not sure what state it is in though.... what a weird question...
and how about you? how is your soul/heart/inner-self?

what am i doing now?
you mean u don't know? im in nus... studying in arts... probably gonna major in lit... like seriously... lit.... surprised? oh well...

recently, many people have been saying that i am damn ah beng... lol... well... i felt a bit like one as well for the longest time.... but ya... im still from acs and im gonna major in lit... so deal with it.... lol.....

will post again.... i long for inspiration......if u know wat i mean....

sigh....

i feel a solemness within my soul.... it is accompanied by this tiredness which exudes from my bones..... a quaint sadness.... a drop of sorrow..... but i have little time to think about it these days.... things are moving along and ive been just swept along.... im starting to feel that emptiness creeping in again.... its around the borders of my mind.... its at the periphery.... it is closing in......

what am i to do..... claustrophobic? who me?

filling in......

so... there's some time missng in between mylast 2 posts.... so...im gonna fill it up..... fill it in.... whatever..... i think this is gonna be a pretty long post.... and im gonna try and catergorize it chronologically.... i hope i spelt that right.... so here goes nothing....

so... i went to london... with my sister.... a long plane ride there... 12.5 hrs.... the ride was great... the seat next to mine was empty... so extra leg room there.... caught some movies on the way over.... and when we landed... oh my god... it was freezing.... the temperatures that day ranged from -1 to 3 degrees..... but i had to do what i had to do.... donning a jacket.... i went out into the blistering winds.... and walked about a min to get to the smoking area and lit up.... it was freezing.... i had to keep my other hand in my pocket and change hands from time to time.... and i was shivering while i smoked.... but it was so..... how do u say it.... "shiok!".... i havent had that feeling of being "seh" in a long time... it felt excellent.....

next... we spent the next few days just getting used to the time differentials.... trying our best to keep awake so as to be less subjected to jetlag.... we just sprawled about for the next few days.... going to a shopping mall near my aunt's work place.... visiting the tate gallery, walked about the globe theatre.... had some sort of food at a fast food oint which was supposed to serve japanese noodles... in a sort of fast food resturant kind of style.... but it was amazingly bland....

oh... i walked past a thai resturant there... and just nice the door opened... and i heard this sweet voice saying.... "sawadee-kah!" heh heh heh.... the thai waitresses there were HOT! heh heh heh

den.... we were whisked away to innsbruck, austria..... and we went skiing!!!! it didnt snow while we were there, but were told that it snowed heavily the past few days.... and skiing was so much fun.... it was my first time by the way.... and i realized how unfit i am.... almost died on the last day of skiing.... the instructor brought us up into the mountain.... and told us we were going to ski there.... and he pointed to the beautiful scenery kilometres away..... and i realized he meant down the super steep slope... because from where we were standing.... we could only see an edge and the scenery... thats all........ but anyway.... isomehow survived and was on the plane back to london....

now that we were more comfortable with the city, i could bring my sister about on the tube... went to museum after museum... and soon.... we were going back to singapore.... i really have to thank my aunt.... she was somebody whom i really could talk to,.... because she is so obviously removed from the everything in singapore... so she really had a very good outsider perspective....

3 weeks gone by just like that.... and i think my siste got sick of me... seeing me everyday.... and all that... but i also realized that my sister is really rather silly at times.... and is a pain to interect with on a daily basis.... she just doesnt think before she does anything... like... she will ask... where is this place.... when she is the one holding onto the map... and not checking where the place is... expecting me to know.... she realli doesnt think before doing anything at all... do u know what i mean>?

ok.. i shall end this post here... coz this one is getting boring.... and the super exciting next post is too excitng already.... so i shall leave it for the next post....

see ya there....

finished.....

it is finished... finally... after all these years... there is a conclusion.... everything is settled....



so anyway... there's this girl.... whom ive had feelings before... for the longest time.... like since secondary school.... she went away to study overseas..... she came back for holidays and then she came back for good.... whenever she was in singapore, we got closer.... i think there were a couple of times when i made my feelings known... during the early stages that is....



this time, she was back for good.... and the feelings were still there..... but i did my best to suppress them... i knew it cannot work out.... i always felt she was too good for me.... and everytime we went out.... i get all mushy inside.... lol.... the thing is.... she does not know how she makes me feel at all.... jealous, sad, frustrated... i just kept it in....

well... my friends always felt that i should just move on.... she isnt worth it... blah blah blah... and i finally told myself ya.... i shouldnt take this shit anymore.... so... it was easy.... she was going off for another one of her holidays..... and so it was simple.... just avoid her.... it and it was fine.... out of sight, out of mind.... and ive never felt better....

den suddenly... this year... she says that w should meet up.... havent met for so long... and my insides were all screwed up again.... i know i should have just ignored her all the way.... but its tuff u know... its my soft spot.... so i agreed to meet for dinner and a movie.... 2 days b4 we were supposed to meet, she asks me if i would prefer to meet a day earlier.... saying that she would rather see me sooner and all (typical girl flirting technique).... so i said sure... u know... in a whatever sort of way.... den she aks me again... "tim..... is there somethin wrong...... if u do not want to meet its fine....." so i did my part.... i reassured her...... den a few minutes later... she asks the same thing again.... and i was fed up u know.... i told her... if it so difficult den just forget it.... den i proceeded to switch off my phone... later on.... i found 2 msgs.... one is blah blah blah.... if im a thorn on ur side blah blah blah.... den the next one.... she goes on to apologise for everything..... she used the word everything....

so it is done.... finished... my mind is put to rest....