Be my pillar in my black and white sky
when it comes to birthdays, I guess I m fine with others'.
but just not MINE.
i m growing to hate it.
and i have no idea when this feeling all began.
this year's aint much difference.
sessioning overnight at Yimin's spare house
dancing at suntec
and heading to the hospital for the evening.
how happening can that be? lolx
yes.
it's been a while.
or rather a very long time since i last remembered I was smiling
when i start each day.
I desired company.
Yet I keep people away.
I want to be happy.
but i cant find a very good reason to smile.
except when i see kids ard and sweet old couples.
Give me a good reason.
and on my birthday,
yeah i wasnt even expecting much.
no surprises. no celebrations.
maybe i just have a bad reputation to begin with.
so...it's just me and the date 15 aug.
it's really fine.
was just looking forward to dinner-ing with my parents
cos i bought doughnuts back after suntec dance,
and haha.
i almost ended up eating all the 12 of them.
brother and mum were running a fever.
and dad coughing. I aint any exception too.
so I spent the evening of my birthday in Alexandra hospital.
Watching how my mum was struggling with the fever
which refused to give way and retreat.
It looked like we could lose her any moment.
I was at a loss of words.
It was the time for tears to replace words.
and time for me to be strong so that my family can depend on me.
it's always like this aint it?
yes i do admit I think alot at times.
sometimes too much. sometimes too too much.
I have no idea why I have a habit of putting people before myself.
and things affect me easily.
I aint emotional.
I just needed an encouragement at the point when i faced the problems.
and true enough,
I know I am all alone.
cos I keep people away.
what goes around doesnt necessarily comes around for me.
Friend, give me a call when u need me or someone.
I would be there.
and the other way round? I dont expect anyone to call.
Just drop a sms on random occasions to make sure I aint suffering from any depression
that would be just enough.
sufficient.
I can recall Ken giving me hugs in school (during school days) when he saw me
cos he promised
and he knew I needed one.
to feel that I m not alone.
Thanks bff.
many a times, I fight the war alone.
and I can almost feel the entire weight of loneliness and melancholy pouring onto me.
I would tear for a period.
and to a point that I would stop.
and encourage myself one way or another.
Cos my family needs me.
Ken says I m strong.
Yeah I am. Stronger than I think I am.
Cos I never will give up.
I'd find a way to come back up no matter what hit me.
Mum is down with H1N1.
confirmed case.
Her fever is causing her so much discomfort that she would say, " I felt like dying"
did u know how much pain that line could cause?
I still remembered Grandpa said that line too not too long ago.
*and he's really skinny now : (
it's the time when u are down.
when u realise and see who really give a DAMN about it.
sometimes, i wish i haven got so many friends.
in exchange i would want to have some really close friends who hang out together.
who know stuff without me telling them.
cos they would keep a lookout for me.
my bro's gf was supposed to stay at home and recuperate from her fever too.
but she's so worried that she cabbed down secretly with meishan to pay my mum a visit.
yeah, it's wrong cos it might just implicate their own family members aint it?
but it's sweet on the other hand that how my family has gradually become part of her family.
and we cant fault her for caring, can we?
even my mum's insurance agent came down.
bought the cooling pads for fever.
went out and drove around looking for herbal teas at 10+ pm.
it's sweet aint it?
I'd say a thank you to him the very next time I see him.
* on a random note, i didnt eat lunch and dinner on my birthday
and dinner on the very next day. lolx
only u know how ur heart feels
and how to make it better and healthy.
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