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Reality Check

Sunday, November 6, 2011 1:37 PM

I feel like I've been living in a dream. But I refused to wake up to reality.
After all the cryings, there was peace.
But with every peace, came a hidden feeling deep down in my heart.
Which I made myself kept to it.

After the peace. Came the pain.
Those reality check pain; whether in the heart, of my tummy, which is becoming a chronic problem for me.
I chose to work, chose to watch dramas, all to forget about the pain.

But simple gestures, simple words, simple actions.
Made me breakdown again.
This is how simple the action is, but the impact that it had on me.

I don't even know what I want anymore.
This fine line that I'm stepping with no regrets.
But is it going to tear me apart soon?

The Heartbreak.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011 3:23 PM

I don't know how to start this post. But when many things came falling apart, the first thing that came into my mind was actually blog-ing. I guess, I missed blog-ing much?

A number of people by now would have known that my parents are already divorced. But things are not as easy as it seems. Because my dad is complicating stuffs. And it's not helping when you have relatives who keep stressing you, cause you're the eldest. But do they even know that I'm not even communicating with my dad ever since a long time ago already?

I know the responsibilities of being an eldest sister. But it doesn't mean that I will comply to them. I tried salvaging the situation, but just within a matter of hours, I started arguing with my dad again, over the simplest stuffs. How do you expect me to even settle things with my dad?

I took the most blows when we were all young. But I chose to let things go, close that chapter of story in my life, until recently. I didn't share much of my childhood, if close friends realized. Cause my childhood was, in one word - horrible. I was being forced to practice my piano in tears. I learnt the times table the hard way, one slap for every error. Whenever my dad took a nap, and my sisters created a din, I was the one who innocently walked into the situation, and took all the whacking again. Ever since young, my dad was a scary figure to me. I would jump whenever he started talking, does anyone ever realized that?

The other half of me, sadly to say, is being realistic, I guess?

Because he is my dad, it's a figure in my life that no one can change. I chose to forgive and forget. But yet, I can't tolerate him around my mother anymore. I may seemed to be the victim in this situation. But my mother received the worst. That's why came the topic of divorcing. It's been years whereby he keeps saying that he'll stop drinking and smoking. When he was discharged from SGH 12 years ago, he actually did stop his bad habits. However, within a matter of weeks, after he throw fits at home, he took up smoking and drinking again. And the family domestic problems started, with no end.

Some may argued that it's because of his illness, but illness is not an excuse for everything. I could be having a depression and went to kill your son because I can't stand the sight of him. Will you forgive me? Saying is always easy, but putting them into actions is not. I know that I have to be the bad person amongst my sisters. But I have to be one. If not, things would not get going. We would all be stucked in the situation again.

I'm not going to further elaborate on things. Because I don't wish to. But yet, I really hope that some angel would appear and solve the family matters that I have at home.

I consider a long time. But this is one of the situation that I thought about blog-ing too.

Yes everyone, after being happily attached for 2 and a half years, I'm single now. My ex-boyfriend and I broke up.

Like what I keep repeating, it takes 2 hands to clap. Maybe, like what he said, things would not work out for us in future. Or I have really been a bad ex-girlfriend for the last 2 and a half years. I would probably take a long time to heal, or even recover from this painful heartbreak. But since you could make things go on easily, and since you seems happier without me around, I think, I need to get on with life too. Ironically, I still love this man. So much, that sometimes, I thought I could not survive without him (which is what I'm probably experiencing now).

You predicted my future after this breakup. You mentioned that I'd probably hate you, study next year, know another bunch of friends, get to know friend's friends (guys in particular), and get a new life, with a new guy. I don't know what friends I will know in future, but I don't hate you now. In fact, I love you too much to even hate you. I couldn't find it in my heart to hate you. You've done nothing wrong. (Or so I guess)

Many people would probably find this sudden, shocking, or even surprised that we would actually broke up. But I can't hold on to this relationship alone. He lets me go. But please do not go asking me in person, or asking him about it. He would not like it, and I would probably go into tears of river again. He believed that he is making the correct decision. He doesn't want me anymore. All the dreams and future that we once dreamed about before are all turning into ashes. But every kind soul out there, please do not blame him for being the bad guy. Because if I were perfect to begin with, he would not have the thoughts to break up with me, for months (according to him). I think I was blind to miss the signs that I should have noticed long ago.

4 days, after 4 days of bugging, I'm finally letting go. I'm tired begging over text and phone calls. I'm tired of irritating you and hearing the harsh words from you just to let me go. Ever since last night, memories of our relationship keep appearing in my mind like a video flashback. And you know what? They were all good memories. I couldn't even remember any quarrels or arguments that we have.

We started way before, during courtship stage.

Do you still remember how long you waited for me?

Do you still remember when you first held my hands?

Do you still remember when you first hug me?

Do you still remember when you stole my first kiss away?

Do you still remember how happy you were when I finally accepted you?

You've waited for me long enough, that you even had thoughts of giving me up. During our long walks back home from hub, finally, one of the days, you held my hands. It was along those private estate. I could still remember myself smiling happily like a little girl. Your first hug. Your first kiss, in Taiwan, 8th March 2009. I was elated after that kiss, and I know that, I have no reasons to not accept you at all. 9th March 2009. In Taiwan's K-box. When everyone else wasn't in the room. I accepted you, you were smiling happily like a little boy. And kissed me like there's no tomorrow.

But our honeymoon couldn't last long. Because you had to be enlisted on 12th March 2009. I remember how precious my weekends was. How much I anticipated for weekends to arrive soon, so that I could see you again. I remember traveling all the way to Pasir Ris. Because I couldn't wait for you to travel back, how much I wanted to see you and hug you soon. I remember all the packings that I did for you before you book in. I remember how sad I was during your field trips. How lost I am when you had to finally leave for Thailand.

You got your motor license on 28th July 2010. And your motor on 1st October 2010. I'm proud to be the first rider, and proud to be the lady owner of your motor. Remember my first black helmet? It's still sitting on my room. The red helmet that your dad bought will no longer be mine anymore. Sooner or later, the space behind you, the lady owner of the helmet will belong to some other girl. Please remember that your season parking will expire in 2 months. Please remember to dispose your monthly contact lenses when it's due. Please remember to live well.

We had dreams to be together for long. Marriage was in the topic. When Poh Poh and Pei Ern was sharing their agony experience for BTO, you were the one who went to HDB website, looking for more information and sharing them with me. You were the one pumping me with information, looking out for deals, sharing with me that you will stay with your parents after marriage. We had plans till then. But right now, knowing that these became my wishful thoughts actually made me feel so silly now.

I don't know whether we can be friends anymore, but I hope we could.

Because, you were my best friend, my soul mate, my listener, my dinner mate, my movie mate, my holiday mate, my slacking mate and all other things for the past 2 and a half years. Even now, you even deleted your Facebook. Is it because of me? You know, you could live your own life right now. You don't have to delete your Facebook. It actually made me feel bad.

You made me fall in love hard and deep. But you also hurt me badly and deeply.

I definitely need the time to recover. I know you too well. You said I'm stubborn, but so are you. I know we won't get back together anytime soon. No matter how hurt we both are.

Whether are we fated to fall in love with each other again in future, no one knows, for we're not God. I hereby announced that I'm giving you up too. Thank you for such wonderful memories that you've given me. These will be deeply kept in the bottom of my heart. I sincerely hope you well. That you would excel in your studies, work hard, get your desired degree, and properly plan for your future without any worries. I hope that you would find another girl that won't hurt you so much like I do. I'm sorry for being such a bad ex-girlfriend.

I don't know when another guy will pop up in my life. But when he does, I will definitely warn him and tell him those things that you commented about me. Or maybe, I'll be too hurt to start another relationship, and will probably stay single for long. When I was younger, and failing in love aspect, I used to have the thought that amongst my sisters, I will be left behind the shelves, and I'll provide the best for my sisters. As long as they're good, I'm good too. Who knows, this idea might come to life. Though the idea vanished when you came in the picture.

I don't know how to break this news to my family, relatives, friends and colleagues. Because I know that right now, whenever I text/tell someone that I broke up with you, tears will naturally form in my eyes. Whenever someone demanded an explanation, I'm loss for words.

I hope that there will be a cure for heart aches soon.

And I thank that I have my friends being there for me.

FaithX, you were the first person that I thought of. Thanks for bearing with me since Sunday, hearing me cry over the phone, and coming out for a drink with me as I requested. You should know, that you are a damn good listener. You are probably the one and only one who will hear my worst cries and witness the ugly side of me crying and talking badly at the same time.

Ah Song, thanks for being such a great pal. You should know that you are not obligated to solve any problems, don't always stress yourself, thinking that since you're our "lao da".

Ah Tang was being cute. She was in this situation before, and she couldn't eat for a month. I took lunch with her yesterday at work, ate half share during lunch, and she got worried when she knows of my relationship status. She was worried for me. She thought I lost my appetite or something. I'm not those girls that will stop eating and drinking for a guy. You should know how much I love to eat, so, don't worry about my diet. My uncle and aunty is feeding me well too.

Germain could sense something wrong, rang me last night, and the next thing I know? I cried buckets again. But she had definitely knocked some senses into me. Shedding me some lights that I thought I could never see them again. You knocked senses into me. And you know what? Other than speaking for me, able to feel for my thoughts, your words are what I hang on now.

Saleha is being a cutie. Friend in need is a friend indeed. You might not have anticipated about this, you might be thinking that it's all only about family matters, but I thank you for not probing much. Hug me when you see me at work then.

Vivian, sorry that I chose not to reply you yesterday. Because I don't know how to. By now, you should have already received me texting you guys.

I'll probably be receiving lots of friend's concern, care, empathy, love now. And I thank you all for that first, right now, beforehand. But please don't make leeway for me in your life. Yes, I need lots of activities to cover up all my free time, so that I wouldn't be alone and thinking alot right now. But I know how busy each and everyone of you are. I'm probably the most useless one right now, with no aim in my life. But I'll survive. This is the Queena that you all probably knows and loves. You guys should know better that I'm strong and I'll survive. It takes time. But I need the time.

One last note before I end this post. I kept this in my iPhone, and I am going to delete them after I blog. Cause it hurts to see this in my phone now.

I started writing about him, trying to accumulate to 100 facts about him or something, and maybe share with him when we get old. But of course, they are of no use right now. It's nothing about his character, if not, I could easily hit 100 or so. Just read on, and you guys will probably get what I mean. I don't know if you will ever read my blog. Just don't hate me more after this.

1) You don't open your bowels with your shirt on, it makes you think that you will dirty your clothings.

2) You look out for snails when you're walking, especially when you're wearing boots/shoes.

3) You don't like to cook your own food.

4) Eating maggie mee must always have an egg in it.

5) You don't wear a shirt at home unless there's guests.

6) You go for electronic stuffs.

7) Your favourite food will probably be Farrer Park's curry rice, or anything will curry or egg.

8) You hate carrots.

9) You don't have a strong preference towards Steaks/Jap/Korean food.

10) Buffets are fine with you, but not those that you have to cook on your own.

11) Eating spicy food means having an itchy scalp.

12) You are only able to sleep supine. Even if you lie lateral, you will turn supine when you enter deep sleep.

13) Your lips will be itchy after you take lots of crabs.

14) You actually vomited after having Swensens for the first time, making you having not a good impression of Swensens.

15) You don't brush your teeth before you sleep.

16) You are very systematic in your daily activities.

17) You hated it when you had already plan something and the plan fails/something cropped up.

18) Your parents are your first priority.

19) You might joke with people when they tease you about your mustache, but you hated your mustache and you are wary of it.

20) You will wear light clothings as much as possible.

(I don't wish to carry on adding the list. This is only meant for what it's in my phone)

And with that, I delete the note in my phone, end my note with a smile on the outer, bleeding on the inner.

I was smiling when I recall those times when you share with me your stuffs. I was smiling when I was typing the facts.

Up till now, do you know that you still make me smile?

Sacrifice... No?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010 1:46 AM

I'd wanted to blog the moment it started again. But I was so irritated, frustrated and disappointed at that point of moment. Knowing myself, if I were to carry on blog-ing with that kind of attitude, the choice of my words will be bad.
So after editing the photos, (uploading in progress now), I decided to blog this heart-wrenching entry.

I knew that it's going to happen again. But it just didn't occur to me that it will fall on Christmas. YOU know how much I love Christmas. I enjoy the festive mood of Christmas. But. Why do YOU have to spoil my mood?

All the reasons, all the excuses. They just drove me sick. Sick to the max, that I felt I can puked out all the contents from my stomach.

Did we spend too much time in the past, that makes YOU sick, bored and tired, that YOU would rather spend all your times with your other friends now? Then, what does that makes me? Am I supposed to feel the same way too?
(I NEED TO MAKE A CLARIFICATION, YOU IS NOT JH)

I love organizing. Because all the while, I find it worthwhile. Seeing everyone gathered together, catching up and enjoying the day. I'm not afraid to make decisions. But YOU changed it all. Do you even know? Because of the many restrictions that YOU have, I've stepped down from being an organizer. In fact, towards others, I've also stepped down organizing.
I lose confident because of YOU. But as time passes by, I slowly regained my confidence (towards certain people). But it came back all together again. Because YOU simply had too much demands, too much complains and too much restrictions. Even though I'd hit a hard rock. But I didn't give up. I didn't at all. I tried many times. Asking YOU out, even just for a simple meal. But it seems, that it's finally time for me to give up.
*I can't believe that I finally had the courage to say this out.

These few months had been difficult. And I know that I am not the only one who voiced out her opinion. I know YOU did too. But please. For God's sake. Don't complain, or felt something towards a certain issue, but chose to do NOTHING out of it. If that's the case, then don't even voice out YOUR opinion at all. Because, even if it meant nothing to YOU, it spells out disappointment to me.

Others may see me as being stupid or even naive. Because of YOU, I had rejected a few other occasions for several times. I am not being dishonest, and I am going to say, I know YOU reject the others not for the first time too. But right now. I have no idea what's going on. Is it me being too over sensitive? Me being PMS? Me being over-reacting? Or is it just the wrong timing? I reject for Christmas, but YOU chose to un-reject for it. Hence, things complicate.

My mother and sisters had to literally beg me to join them for dinner for Christmas. But I reject all because of YOU. And guess what? They understood, though with a few grumbles. Cause they all know how important YOU are to me. But what did I get in the end? Disappointment.
(Dearest Sisters, upon reading this, please do me a favour. Just read and go. Do not ask, do not speculate, and do not reveal)

Maybe it's all my fault. I didn't inform YOU early. But is this how things are supposed to be done right now? Am I supposed to book YOU one month in advance? Do YOU have a secretary that I need to inform too?

I think I have learn my lesson.
-To book YOU one month in advance.
-To consider YOUR many demands and restrictions, that will probably make me stress out to the max.
-To give up everything right now, and take a follower role.
-To go on a trip during Christmas next year.
Maybe that will make me a better person.
And probably YOU won't be stress with me around too.

YOU may speculate for all I care. I won't give a damn. I won't reveal who YOU are. Because deep down in my heart, I really hoped that YOU do know that YOU know who you are. But if reading these makes YOU irritated, makes YOU into an angry person. Then by all means, please hate me for all YOU can. And once hatred sets in, please let me know. But if guilt sets in upon reading these, please don't come meeting me at all. I don't wish to see YOU putting up a front and acting with a mask in front of me.
If severing ties with me will help in any ways. I shall respect your decision.