BREAKIN OUT

BYU

                                                                     DEFENSE
  Bronson Kaufusi- I know this one seems too easy because he is  relatively known already, At 285 last year in the defensive end position he was serviceable, but not a game changer. This year they are moving him to the outside linebacker position, he has dropped to 265 and still has the power that he had at defensive end, Two of his best traits are his fast lateral movement abilities and his aggressive play, both of these skills will be better utilized at this position in the 3/4 defense.

                                                                     OFFENSE
  Jordan Leslie- Usually transfers at the receiver position do not have much of an impact right away, but I think Leslie is an exception. He comes into BYU with 125 receptions, 2,015 yards and 15 touchdowns to his name, yes on a lesser level for UTEP, but after watching some tape on him, he is explosive, and a good route runner, not to mention having basketball in his background, he is good at getting position and making a play on the ball. I think by seasons end Leslie will be BYUs leading receiver.


UTAH STATE

                                                                      DEFENSE

  B.J. Larsen- A lot of attention is going to be focused on the linebackers as the Aggies have a stellar group in that position, Im looking at the D.E. position in Larsen to do big things this year. In 2013 he had 8 tackles for a loss, 4 sacks, but just 31 tackles. He is a very aggressive player with great knowledge of the game and good technique, look for him to emerge as a leader and huge part of the Aggies success on defense

                                                                      OFFENSE
Joe Hill- After sitting behind the likes of Robert Turbin, and Kerwin Williams,  In 2013 he was finally slated as the starting back, after an injury cut the season short he was averaging 5 yards a carry, He is a very capable running back who has the skills for an 3 down back, People might be sleeping on him because hes coming off of injury, but I think he will emerge as one of the better backs in the mountain west this year.

UTAH UTES

                                                                      DEFENSE
Tevin Carter- There are alot of players I wanted to mention here but the fact is I dont think the presence of another guy effects the utes defense as much as carters, Last year Utahs secondary was Horrible. Carters speed and skills upgrade safety spot greatly but it will be a domino effect allowing Eric Rowe to move to a position he is more naturaly fit for on the outside corner spot, wich will then allow Justin Thomas to then move from outside to play slot corner, Also a better position for him, Blechen will then move to the strong safety spot. I am very excited on what the Utah defense can do this year.

                                                                      OFFENSE

Wesley Tonga- This is a guy that has been around for a while, and has contributed on offense. Everyone knows Im a huge fan of last years starter at the tight end spot in Jake Murphy but he is gone and I actually thing Tonga has some skills that make the Ute offense better, First he is a very good pass protector and run blocker, But very underrated as a pass catcher as well, I think he will be a major part of Dave Christiansen's system, as tight ends have thrived in the past for him. I almost put Troy Mccormick here and maybe should have, I might be kicking myself if he does what I think he's capable of.

Box's Perfect Predictions

2014 Utah Football Season Predictions

by Trent Knaphus

Game 1- vs Idaho State

                Idaho went 3-9 last year so they are not very good but they return 8 starters on defense. I think they Utes will win and win big. The first quarter will be slow going with Utah having a newish offense and Idaho State returning so many defensive starters. I wouldn’t be surprised if Idaho State scored first, Idaho State runs a “Air Raid” system and have a senior Quarterback but the key to the game will be Utah having a bigger and faster Offensive and Defensive line. I see the Utes up by 3 touchdowns by halftime.

Score: Utah 45- Idaho State 10

Game 2- vs Fresno State

                Fresno State had a 11-2 record last year and had one of the best Quarterbacks in the country. They lose him (Derek Carr) this year and he will be a big loss. I think this game will be a determining factor on how the season will go. If they lose it will be Kyle Whittingham’s last season as they might not win a game the rest of the year but I don’t think that will happen. Utah’s offensive line will be dominate and we will see the breakout game from Devontae Booker with 165 yards rushing and 3 Touchdowns. Fresno will have a late push but Utah will come through.

Score: Utah 34- Fresno State 24

Game 3- at Michigan

Michigan went 7-6 last season but went 3-5 in conference play. I think the biggest factor in this game will be Utah coming off a bye. Utah is 12-5 coming off bye under Kyle Whittingham. The thing that makes me nervous about Michigan is Devin Gardner, Michigan Quarterback. He lead the Wolverines in rushing with 829 and threw for almost 3000 yards. But this game will be Travis Wilsons coming out party and not in a gay way. Travis will lead a very balanced attack that will outlast Michigan.

Score: Utah 38- Michigan 30

Game 4- vs Washington State

                This might be the hardest game to choose because nobody knows how either are going to play this year and also I love Mike Leach. The key in this game will be Quarterback play. Connor Halliday for Washington State is a less athletic Andy Dalton. Halliday has the potential to throw for 5000 yards this season. All these things scare me but two things lead me to believe in the Utes in this game. First thing is that it’s a home game for the Utes and the second is the Cougar defense. Washington State returns 6 starters on a defense that gave up 37 points to Utah last year who was led by Adam Schulz! Adam Schulz! Schulz threw for 347 yards and 3 touchdowns. This means I personally could throw for 200 yards and 2 touchdowns. So after Travis Wilson had a great game against Michigan I expect big things from him.

Score: Utah 35- Washington State 28

Game 5- at UCLA

                UCLA has the chance to go unbeaten this season, with Stanford, Oregon and USC at home this could be a dream season for the bruins. All that being said Utah played UCLA very tough with Travis Wilson throwing 6 INT. UCLA is returning 17 Starters. Brett Hundley ran for over 900 and threw for another 3000. He will be the key to their season if they are wanting to do big things. With all that being said Utah will have to play a perfect game to beat them on the road and if they did we could be talking about Utah winning the Pac-12 south but lets be honest we would be happy with 6-6 and a bowl victory. So I see this as a non-issue, UCLA big.

Score: UCLA 42- Utah 13

Game 6- at Oregon State

                This is a toss up game in my opinion. If Utah is really 4-1 going into Corvallis I think I would be disappointed with a loss. Couple things to thinks about are, Oregon State is coming off a bye. Mike Riley coached teams are 19-8 coming off byes. Also home field advantage is very big. Utah is 3-10 in road conference games since joining the Pac-12. The biggest thing to think about is Sean Mannion. I don’t think I would be going out on a limb by saying he will have the best pro career out of all current Pac-12 starters and ultimately that’s why I will be picking Oregon State to win this game. I think the way Utah could win is the dominance of the Offensive and Defensive lines because Oregon State isn’t returning many starters in these groups. Also a big thing to consider is the loss of Brandon Cooks who was one of the best receivers in college football last year. If Oregon State can’t find adequate options on the outside I think Utah could do it but I think I love Mannion too much.

Score: Oregon State 34- Utah 24

Game 7- vs USC

                When you think USC this year, you should think defense. They defense is returning 7 starters on a defense that was dominate. I expect Su’a Cravens at the SS position to have a big sophomore season. Last year he had 4 INT in 4 games at one point. The only reason I would be wary about the Trojans is Steve Sarkisian. Daniel Mouritsen would probably say I don’t like him because he has BYU ties but that’s not the reason. I feel like he always had teams that underperformed at Washington. With the talent he had there he should have had a better career record then 34-29. I think this game will be a sloppy game for sure, a lot of defense and a lot of turnovers. Usually where Utah can compete on a talent level with Pac-12 schools is in the trenches but against USC that’s not the case.  I expect USC to sneak a close victory out because they are a more talented team.

Score USC 17- Utah 10

Game 8- at Arizona State

                This is a very interesting game for many reasons. Arizona State is only returning 8 starters total. Also last year they were plus 15 in turnover margin. Both of these things lead me to believe Utah has a good chance to pull off the victory. Like I said before home field means a lot to me also one things the matters to me is returning Quarterback. Taylor Kelly is the Arizona QB. Comparing Kelly to Hundley from UCLA in interesting. Kelly passing stats were: 3635 yds 28 tds 12 int 62.4 comp %, and 852 rushing yards. Hundley had 3071 yds 24 tds 9 int 66.8 comp %, 970 rushing yards. When you look at those stats I like to think Kelly is the most underrated QB in the Pac-12. I won’t pump Kelly up to much because I think the Utes are going to be the better team. When we get to this point I think Travis Wilson could be having a better year than Kelly. I am going to pick Utah to go into Tempe and spoil ASU’s homecoming.

Score: Utah 35- Arizona State 24

Game 9- vs Oregon

                There are a lot to like about the Ducks this year and the main one is Marcus Mariota. When we compare him to the rest the stat that sticks out is 31 touchdowns to 4 Interceptions. Wow. The man is a freak. Also Oregon is returning 7 other offensive starters with Mariota. If you are going to give Utah some hope here is what I have come up with, Utah will play Oregon the week after Oregon plays Stanford (I think Oregon will beat Stanford). Anyone else smell letdown? Yeah me either the ducks will win big after the Utes fight in the first half.

Score Oregon 45- Utah 21

Game 10- at Stanford

                Toughest game of the year. I like that Utah matches up well with them but coming off a bye for Stanford and a loss before that to Oregon and the game is played in Palo Alto and they remember Utah beating them last year and I know I used and a lot in that sentence. There are way too many things for the Utes to overcome. Also I think Stanford WR Ty Montgomery could be the best receiver in the Pac-12. I think Tom Hackett and Andy Phillips will keep them in it til late.

Score: Stanford 24- Utah 12

Game 11- vs Arizona

                The last two years against Arizona have been the Ka’Deem Carey show and lucky for Utah he will be in the NFL. Like I have said before I do not like teams without a returning starter at QB and Arizona doesn’t. My biggest worry in this game is that Kalani Sitake and Kyle Whittingham cant stop Rich Rods offense if I was running QB and Garr was playing RB. I do like Utah to correct their mistakes and they do this because there linebacker core will be very good by this time. I can’t event name who I like because I think there are contributors all over that group.

Score: Utah 31- Arizona 21

Game 12- at Colorado

                THE RUMBLE IN THE ROCKIES! You can just throw the record books out when you get these two together. All that was sarcastic but its late and if Utah is 6-5 when they go to Boulder they will win and possibly big? Also how can Utah lose the rumble in the rockies with a uniform with mountains on it?

                Score: Utah 38- Colorado 24

Utah going 7-5 would be a big season and I would be more then pleased with the outcome.

p.s. i know there are plenty of grammar problems and spelling issues but im half retard so....

Pre season Utes

Hello fellas here is my pre training camp win loss preview, This is my prediction if we don't get bit by the injury bug, But even If we do I think we have capable backups so I will stick with the results either way.


Idaho State- This will be a nice warm up game to finger out all the positions that still have small question marks. Pretty easy game to predict. WIN 63-14

Fresno State- The bulldogs averaged something like 40 pts a game last year against crappy teams mostly, if it was last year I would be singin different tunes because 1- they derek carr and a couple good weapons, and 2- our secondary was horrible, but I thin the utes secondary will be 3 times as good and derek carr with his 2 leading receivers are gone. WIN 35-14

Michigan- I dont think Michigan is going to be as good as alot of people think, they try to rush the ball to much without the type of road grading lineman needed to do so. When they pass they are o.k. but like I said before we will have a decent secondary, I think its close until the end of the third and we pull away. WIN 28-17


Washington state- We were in this game last year on the road, there is no way we lose this one at home,
first off one of the best safties and best leaders of a defense in buchanon if i'm spelling that right is off to the nfl, yes box im "high on him". I think travis wilson goes for 350 yds and 4 touchdowns in this. WIN 42-30

UCLA- After going 4-0 the utes will have some momentum and play a close game at first but being on the road and in the rosebowl, coupled with brett hundley being a beast most likely. LOSS 27-18


Oregon State- Another tough road game, I dont know what to think of this game being that Mannion is one of the most accurat passers in the country, But our safeties will be able to play over top, And Brandon cooks one of the best slot receivers to  come out in a long time will make it easier to free up linebackers to blitz and cause trouble with mannion, this will be a rainy game leaving the beavers wet and un-satisfied WIN 30-27

USC- I keep trying to talk myself into a win on this one but cant for two reasons, 1- They have to much speed on offense, and 2- although they have no big name guys on defense they were very disciplined, and it seemed like they had shaky qb play but with coach Sark, I dont see hat happening. LOSS 35-27


Arizona state- I think if this were a home game I would give us the win simply because ASU's defense has been depleted through graduation including the guy Will Sutton that put the most hurt of any of them will be gone. I think we lead the whole game and a fumble or interception late gives it to them. LOSS 21-17


Oregon- Too much speed, Coaching is too good, Athletes reload like a mormon couple trying to get pregnant. LOSS 34-18


Stanford- Simply put, we will not sneak up on them this year. They will be angry. LOSS 27-13


Arizona- The only thing I see being  a factor in this game is the injuries inquired from the previous 3 games, their quarter back is gone, and more importantly, the best running back in the country (in my opinion) Kadeem Carey is gone, chalk it up as a WIN 31-10


Colorado- I look to see fans of colorado get back at utah players by throwing hot chocolate and spitting racial slurrs at them but we will WIN 24-13

I would be happy with this result, but would be even happier if they did better.

Resolutions

So, I was at the gym today, on the treadmill while listening to some Ice Cube pandora. Something came to mind as I could feel my feet cramp, and my man boobs bounce around after a meezly 10 minutes of running. Why do I do this to myself every year?  Why do I come to the gym at the time of year everyone else is doing the same thing?  First of all I was trying to find an open bench press to work on said saggy tits, when I noticed a young gentleman that had been on the same bench the whole time I was there. He had a Macklemore haircut, thick wood framed glasses, a mustache, and a really "cute" striped tank top, that he had altered further to see his tattoos.  Now all that stuff I am fine with, but then he started to do pull ups, and while he was doing them had his head on a swivel like an nfl linebacker looking to make sure everyone was seeing him get his swole on. I kept on people watching as I ate a piece of pizza (hey it was free).  I know it is my problem and I'm the one who is at fault when I let people bug me, but I couldn't help it. Guy on elliptical machine talking as loud as possible about some business deal on his star trek like lit up bluetooth. Dude on ab machine that decides to not wipe down the seat so as to leave his nut butter for every one to sit in. Girl curling while making Serena Williams tennis sexual noises. Old lady with her saggy side boobs hanging out. And hey old man, we do not want to see your huge saggy balls in the locker room. I made a resolution, I know I will never be in great shape due to how much food I eat and dieting is not an option, but I promised myself this year I will get in good enough shape so when next New Years comes around I can skip the first 2 to 3 weeks of working out.  That is my new years resolution, that and somehow figure out how to off the makers of The Bachelor that my wife is watching it right now.  It makes me want to hurl.

SOCCER

I am torn to my very core right now, my whole life I have hated the sport of soccer! Now I am forced to try my hardest to be happy that the state of Utah finally has a championship to cherish. Congratulations are in order for real salt lake, OK I've gotten that over with, now instead of just saying soccer sucks I will attempt to break down why that is clearly so.
1- Although the athletes are conditioned well and undoubtedly athletic, the constant flopping and flailing on any whim of contact leads me to believe they have no juevos no balls at all, the only sign of a dropped pair of wedding tackle I've seen was between the lobos and cougars, and that was the women's team, once again proving that the woman at byu are more manly than the men.
2- The rules of soccer are severely flawed. The game does not end when the play clock is over, this adds bias and subjectism, and destroys the drama of last minute victories. Did you know that richard simmons was inspired to use yellow and red cards as a part of his diet system.....hmmm....interesting!
3- soccer is extremely boring, You know a sport is boring when 90% of highlights are almost scores, and 55% of matches end in a tie, ties suck!
Well that's all I can think of right now and honestly I'm getting quite angry just thinking about soccer so that is all I have for now, have a great day!

THINGS I CANT BLOG ABOUT BECAUSE I WILL GET IN TROUBLE!

1- The reason my taxes are so high. (hint: rhymes with selegal chexicans)
2- White trash family members(all of witch whom I love, but nonetheless dirty, like hot garbage).
3- People at church
4- Gay people (and byu).
5- Certain hair cuts that look like a male turkey, unfortunately to many women in Utah have it so I could offend someone with this travesty of a head bomb.
6- Married activities.
7- Old people
8- Bratty kids
9- Poop and farts
10- people at my work who make me want to bust an atomic elbow drop on a new born baby.

p.s. I cant believe spell check wants to make me capitalize byu! pshaw!!

The week after tcu to a byu fan.

1. Research the the topical guide for trials, and tribulations.
2. Watch VHS tape of the "miracle bowl" in '85 when the cougars beat an awesome 6-6 Michigan team to win the national championship. (BOGUS)
3. Start decorating for Christmas, and listen to Mannheim steamroller too damn early!
4. Go to Costco to get some new Kirkland denim jeans, along with imitation lucky charms to feed the hoard of children awaiting at home.
5. Prepare lesson for upcoming Sunday, about trials and tribulations.
6. Root for Yankees and pretend to be a huge fan. (or Phillie's, whoever is winning)
7. Start to wonder if max hall is doing some bad things off the Field.
8. Base flag football plays on genius schemes and play calling of byu's awesome coaches and coordinators, because it clearly isnt a coaching problem!
9. Go buy wife some new earrings at Claire's, gift certificate at target, and take that beautiful woman out to dinner at golden corral for her birthday.
10. Invite Friends over to watch princess bride for the perfect Friday night activity.
11. Lose horribly in flag football.
12. Throw away that sign I made.
13. Pop a pain pill, and wash it down with a diet coke.

Take it easy!

So on sports talk radio today they did this story witch I thought was funny but quite the contrary with alot of byu fans who were calling in pissed off, come on people this isn't the first time we have been made fun of for this. That being said I will be rooting for byu to win this one for the good of the conference. But I do believe if fsu brings their A game, this will be the biggest test for the pussy.......cats.
Now for my beloved Utes, also calm down fans, I do acknowledge that the utes looked like a bag of smashed buttholes, but I think they will be fine, take away the two fumbles and the THREE shanked kicks, and that score would have read 47-14. If they can eliminate those dumb mistakes they look great, and I think they will, kyle is a good coach and will fix that stuff, but if they dont against Oregon it will be trouble. also Matt asiata might be out for a hurt shoulder but I think that might actually be a good thing, and they will use their huge amounts of speed playmakers to get it done and shakerin is a very underrated backup. GO UTES!!!!

YAY! BYU CONTRIBUTES

OK byu fans, I will give this to you, your team is better than last year, and congrats for beating a top 5 team. Now that being said lets not get too ahead of ourselves, first of all everyone that knows anything about college football knows that week 1 rankings do not mean dick. Does anyone remember Utah beating the juggernaut team in Michigan, Then to find out the rest of the season they sucked. I'm not saying that Oklahoma is on the level that Michigan was on, but lets break it down to all the byu fans who are too blinded by the spirit to look at the facts. first of all how good would a byu team be without Dennis Pitta, OK take that into consideration how good would a byu team be with max hall being injured, My argument is not to downgrade byu, but to let it be seen that the sooners were a very overrated team under the circumstances. lets not forget that before the SAM Bradford injury, the score was 10-7 in the sooners favor, that is a bigger split at the end of the game in which multiple byu fans have told me that they are "freakin dominant". let it be stated that every game that byu wins I am mad-happy, I am not a byu supporter, but I am a mt. west supporter. Its good to see byu actually contributing to the good of the conference, maybe you should have better than a .350 bowl winning average.(.786 Utah)
that might of helped in the past to contribute. my final thought of the day is that if byu fans think that the sooners game was their hardest game to be played, they are sorely mistaken, and lets see if the sooners can beat Idaho state next week without Bradford. remember you still have Florida state, tcu, and the always barn burner (in exception of last year)utah, all which whom I think are better than Oklahoma. thanks for your time, and criticism is very much welcome unless your one of those byu fans who say that "its the lords team", or refere to the endzone as "the promised land", or that the hash marks are the cause of makin funeral potatoes.

MANLY!!!!!!!! #2

manly things I do on a daily basis.

1. walk around naked with a shotgun in hand.
2. poop outside
3. read about sports
4. smack my wifes butt (shes hot)
5. kill a bear with nun chucks.
6. cook some form of meat
7. walk around outside with no shoes
8. dropkick a midget then take him out for an icee at commander leslies!
9. practice diving catches
10. shotgun a fresca
11. find something to blow up with a firecracker
12. shampoo my pubes
13. daydream about killing zombies
14. build a robot
15. crop dust innocent bystanders

MANLY!!!!!

manly things, that I like.

1. robots
2. concrete
3. explosives
4. bladed weapons
5. weapons in general
6. trolls
7. zombie movies
8. ninjas
9. tanks
10. engines
11. fire
12. sports (no soccer)
13. tungsten
14. brad pitt movies
15. mark wahlberg movies

To be a sports fan is fun, horrible, rewarding, and a swift kick in the balls all at once, I guess the latter part depending on what team your a fan of. In my case I am a utah jazz fan, a utah utes football fan, and a Cincinnati bengals fan. My wife thinks that I take my fanship a little serious, and maybe I agree to a certain extent, for example I want a simple 1 room in our abode to dedicate to my manly pursuits in sports nirvana, not a freakin chance! also not freakin fair! But that is another topic in which I will not be blogging about for fear of repercussions that might be brought about by that topic. Anyways, I see people all over the place, example 1. guy at grocery store with steelers shirt, and hat, who when I asked him about james harrisons interception return, did NOT know who he was, what a fag!! or the 92 % of BYU fans who can't name more than 1 offensive lineman on their team, also gay!! This being said, I think there should be certain criteria for being labeled a "fan" of a team, before you can talk trash on other fans for other teams. purposed criteria.

1. know at least 4 players on offense and defense.( two being lineman)
2. in basketball know at least the starting lineup.
3. must own fan gear before big accomplishment.( if not then at least own up to being a bandwagon jumper or fan in training).
4. thinking your team is deserving of something because your the "lords team". (the lord doesn't have a team idiots).
5. must know team history. (super bowl years, pennants, championships e.t.c)
6. must be able to name at least 1 pro bowl or all star from past 10 years.
7. must be willing to go through the bad times.

OK, those are easy. If you thought you were a fan and do not meet up to said criteria, make a strong fist, swiftly punch yourself in the genital region and get to work.

IM BACK

After a very nice blog break, Ive decided that I'm probably happier when I do post blogs once in a while, I think it could be due to built up frustration that isn't allowed to vent, there are just to many things that piss me off, and stuff about sports that nobody else cares about but me, so thus goes my therapeutic attempts to be a blogger. here is a poem for things that have passed since my last post.

My softball team is bad, had the biggest dump Ive ever had.
I hate old men at the gym, with saggy wrinkled nudity from limb to limb.
fresca is the best drink on earth, walmartians shouldn't give birth.
the jonas brothers were cute from the start, too bad their voices sound
like a wet squeeky fart.
top ten offense and defense, the bengals improvements this year will be emense.

ok I probably wont be attempting poems again, but hope you enjoyed anyways!

IM BACK

news

I am trying to find the words to express how I feel about a certain group of people who whenever I think about them I puke in my mouth just enough to give me heartburn. News people, I am talking about the individuals who bring us our current affairs daily. Can someone tell me why for the love of all that is sacred and holy those self centered turds can’t get a decent hair style and or cut, I mean really if you are going to be on t.v. for a living please style your hair so we don’t think we are watching re-runs from 1984.
Also, I get dirty chills running down my spine when they talk as if reading nursery rhymes to a baby. Or throw out a fake laugh and smile, when some tool attempts to joke about something that is never funny. I have just decided I will not watch the useless, depressing news, what do I get from it besides pissed off, nothing, the weather people are never right, and the women are never hot, If the victoria secret ladies did it I would dvr that steamy poo bag daily. Ok there are a few good ones that sport nice ties, like mark koelbel, and an occasional hottie like christina flores, but then you have ones like these.


Ed Yates - sounds like kermit the frog.
Kevin eubanks- see above comment.
Chris vanoker- byu fan humor and just makes me want to punch a midget(and I LOVE midgets).
Rod decker- bitter beer face and talks as if yelling at neighbors across the street.
Roland stidham- helmet hair, beedy eyes, and I hate the name roland.
Alex cabrerro- clearly not Mexican.
Bill gephart- douche bag (self proclaimed semeritan).
mike rungee- horrible comb over, thinks a pick and roll is how to flick a booger.


This is phil bardsley signing off saying, eat a pube sandwich utah news teams.

I am officially depressed, every year around this time of year my heart feels a bit somber, like a midget not being able to ride the colossus fire dragon, I am frustrated. Like a puppy without a toy, I am sad.
Yes my friends football season is over. Now the only sport I can stand to watch is basketball, every other sport is a waist of time. Soccer is full of whiney, girly, ugly, flopping, no balled, wieners. Any sport that takes 2 hours to have a score I am not a fan of, Although I like to play baseball, I cant stand to watch it, I guess I could go watch a hockey game, and sit in front, in back, and on the sides of mega dikes that smell like corn beef hash, no thanks. Here is to a speedy, fast offseason, football I love you, and will wait for you like a song bird waits for the morning dew.

ShamWOW

Ok Im back blogging, not that anyone cares but its fun for me, and we lost the Internet at our house, And my anger management class says its a good way to vent. One of my favorite past times is letting my wife go to sleep so I can sneak down and watch ESPN until I fall asleep, while doing this I of course watch intently to see if there are any new infomercials on. Sham wow is among my favorites not only because of the douche bag that has a blue tooth headset the size of Oprah's third chin. but he reminds me of super dale, like I said douche bag. This product claims to be able to take in 20 times the liquid of its body weight, now we all know the only 2 movable bodies of mass capable of this is john Daley the golfer and Rosie O'Donnell the dike. It also does a good job cleaning up wine, soda, and pet stains, so if I spill my wine because I see my dog dropping a deuce on the floor I can first clean up the dog log, after which cleaning up the wine on my table all with the same glorious product. I don't know about everyone else but I'm sold!!
some other products Im pretty high on is the strap perfect concealer clip, this claims to hide bra straps from showing in more risque tops and blouses while at the same time lifting and firming.
why do I approve of this product? duh! Ok if I have to see that crazy loudmouth mighty putty jack ass talk about how you can build a small fortress with his amazing putty formula I'm going to find the nearest Asian and punch him right in the nose (no offense to any Asians reading this).
I am also a big fan of the snuggie blanket, which is just a big blanket with arms sewn in it. I'm guessing some nascar fan was watching dale Jr. do work in his cold garage sanctuary, and saw an old blanket and his welding jacket and decided to put the 2 together, Props to him because hes probably now more rich then I will ever be. If I were to make an Item I would make a snuggie blanket made from sham wow material, so I could free ball around town pee whenever I want, without making a mess, all still while looking like a Jedi knight.

10 reasons why I love little people

#1 see photo above.
#2 they make very good auto mechanics.
#3 What would star wars be without EWOKS?
#4 There is no racism in the little people world.
#5 you can duct tape them to anything.
#6 Ive never seen one with a blue tooth.
#7 They always knock because they cant reach the doorbell.
#8 If a little person tells you that your hair smells good, you know you have good hygiene.
#9 They put up with Santa's degrading midget jokes all year long.
#10

They don't have nothin on us babe. why you ask?
1. Edward is gay I'm not
2. your hotter than Bella
3. sure he can run fast but I can bench press him and his Friends at the same time, I guarantee he couldn't bench me.
4. we've got the real thing!

my weekend mistake

BYU FAN CHECKLIST FOR GAME

1. make sure to say prayers and read scriptures because when your doing good off the Field, good thing happen on the Field.
2. load up Donny Osmond and mo tab Cd's for ride to game.
3. open new pair of church socks to wear with newly purchased Birkenstock sandals.
4. think of self righteous comments to say to godless sinning Ute fans.
   
5. print off names and numbers of players so if confronted, it will be possible to name someone other than max, Austin, and Harvey.
   
6. bring homemade hanky that will be used to cry because of the horrible officiating that takes place whenever beloved cougs happen to be losing.
7. put caffeine free Dr. pepper in fanny pack.
8. put bottle of loritab in fanny pack.
   
9. set dvr for little house on the prairie, and dancing with the stars.
10. set appointment with super cuts to get tips frosted.
11. vacuum out mini van.
    
12. pack super sleek Oakley biker sunglasses in case it gets sunny.
13. get largest blue tooth, and plan on wearing it just to annoy the hell out of phillup west bardsley.
14. bring needlepoint embroidery set so wife will be happy to sit with me at a sporting event.
15. last but not least watch highlights from last 2 games to make it feel better that the utes lead the series 52-33.
    

Celstial

Bronco Mendenhall, after living a full life, died. When he got to heaven, God was showing him around when they came to a modest little house with a faded Cougars flag in the window.

"This house is yours for eternity," said God. "This is very special, not everyone gets a house up here."

The coach felt special, indeed, and walked up to his house. On his way up the porch, he noticed another house just around the corner. It was a 3-story mansion that had a 50 foot tall flagpole with an enormous UTES flag, and in every window was the UTE logo.

The coach looked at God and said, "God, I'm not trying to be ungrateful, but I have a question. I was a good coach. I went to bowl games, sent a bunch of my players on to the pros, and I turned around the entire BYU football program."

God said, "So, what's your question?"

"Well," said the coach, "Why does Kyle Whittingham get a better house than me?"

God responded, "Oh that's not Whittingham's house, that's mine".

So the season has officially started, this is the year I can feel it. With the Bengals hitting all time lows and sucking so bad whenever I think about it I feel as if I have a hernia, I will be focusing most of my attention on first, the utes running the table in the mountain west, and second my pledge to be a die hard jazz fan. I have always liked the jazz, They bring many memories to me such as john stockton hitting that last second three pointer to send them to the NBA finals, watching games with spaghettios and ritz crackers with my brother and dad, and pretending I was the big dawg antione carr in church ball. I have just a few things I'm excited for this year so here they are.

Excited
1. to see elder harpring throw cheep elbows, and piss other players off.
2. to hear if hot rod hundley can think of any more catch phrazes such as "the cow hide roles home", and "hippity hop yo yo leap and leaner".
3. to see if hot rod dies from alcohol poisening (hope not).
4. to see how many haircuts AK 47 will have and wich one makes him not look ugly.
5. to cut smeegles d-will fade haircut.
6. to watch deron williams dismantle every guard that he comes against.
7. to hear all of the "I saw kyle Korver at the singles ward" stories.
8. to see little man ronnie price swat bigger people and dunk on bigger people.
9. to see if new man kosta koufas takes boozers advice in using some damn proactive, it worked for jessica simpson.
10.to watch ronnie brewer dunk on everyone.
11. to watch okur shoot 3 pointers with one foot on the line, and make unbeleivably slow moves to get into the paint for a leap and leaner.
12. to see how many bad words I can see jerry saying on t.v.

GO JAZZ

20 things to love about chuck-a-rama

1. The water bathing corn on the cob.
2. There is always a Gen-x clothing store near.
3. No need for tipping.
4. You can listen to the old people talk about their bladder infections.
5. The meatloaf is tremendous.
6. Awesome people watching (see above photo).
7. The fat lady with tattooed breast.
8. Wonderful costumer service by classy waitresses.
9. Overhearing conversations about who's over the ground pool is better.
10. Children leashes.
11. If you are single, there are always good looking ladies to pick up on (see photo above, logan)
12. At chuck-a-rama the choice is yours.
13. Fishy Fridays
14. Bottomless apple beer.
15. Gift certificates are available.
16. Exciting career opportunities.
17.Chuck-a-rama is available to rent out for weddings, reunions, parties, e.t.c.
18. Diversity is always good.
19. Endless mix and matching opportunities. My favorite: nacho cheese on mashed potatoes.
20. Because its just so damn good!

ANNOYING THINGS

1. kids that wear stupid looking emo pants.
2. splash back from the toilet.
3. The gay naked fat old men lingering around in the locker room at the gym.
4. the crust around the top of the ketchup bottle.
5. the crust around the top of the mustard bottle.
6. most people from Provo.
7. the fact that bologna isn't spelled balonie.
8. white people who think they are black, Mexican, Asian, etc.
9. the toilet paper in Porto potties.
10. chico (the electrician in candice olsens makeover show on hgtv.)
11. stupid and lazy cashiers.
12. old people that drive slow
13. cold butter
14. crotch rockets
15. rice rockets
16. people who make that whistling noise when they breath through their nose.
17. button up silk Pokemon t shirts
18. political conversations about which fag is better, all poloticians blow.
19. when smeegle (neighborhood kid) beats me at video games.
20. stupid old dude that tries to talk to me at the gym while I'm dropping a deuce!

HEY LOSER!!!!

OK losers I have some information for you, that stupid fat blue tooth hanging from your ear does not make you look cool, It doesn't help you get the ladies, it doesn't make your tiny unit bigger, and it doesn't make you look more important than everyone else. The only thing that it does is make you look like captain piccard from the starship enterprise, and last time I checked, He's a douche nugget too. OK if you want to wear it while your driving your Mazda miata convertible, that's fine, just take it off when you enter the social world. Other people do not want to hear your stupid conversations about the latest business deal that you "killed". Moreover people do not want to listen to you at the gym talk to your loser buddies about how you "scored". If you are referring to world of warcraft than I believe you, otherwise leave your tech toys in your car. Today at work I found the best way to help them realize its annoying, The cabinet guy was in the kitchen working with me when he started talking randomly to me, I thought me. This pissed me off, so I started talking to my self real loud like, until he got mad at me and left the room, He then came back and told me how rude I was, What a homo! The average person talks on the phone for less than a half hour a day, So please explain to me why they have to wear a gay looking gadget on their ear for the whole damn day.

A couple of weeks ago I was pulled over by a mustache happy, moose knuckled, donut eating, pencil (you know what), piggy, cop. I apologize if you are a cop or have a loved one that is a cop. I have a couple of Friends that are cops, but it does not dissuade my current feelings about cops in general. My ticket was for failure to yield to a pedestrian, that I should mention was a cop also. Apparently they are to lazy to get their Quota so they fashion traps to trick people into getting tickets. Sadly I was one of the poor saps who get pulled over, The typical police man has little mans disease, which makes him have to act big. Most of them look like my 80 year old grandmother could outrun them, and they all smell of to much cologne, and self tanner. I wonder if it is standard issue to have uniforms that are tighter than Harlem dreadlocks, or if they just have a legitimate addiction to the crispy cream. And Ive always wondered why they have a utility belt that rivals batmans, do they really need that many tools to handle the advasary. maybe they could run a little faster if they didnt have 40 lbs of hardware to pack. Dont get me wrong, I am heavily in favor of cops, but instead of conning people into tickets, driving over the speed limit just because they can, and pretending like they have the worlds largest package, They should be arresting drug dealers, and pulling over the freakin rice rockets that cut people off. Well everyone, make sure you yield to pedestrians.

5 reasons why my wife could coach better!!!!

1. My wife knows the difference between a defensive formation, and a punt return formation, just a Hint: If you play a safety 35 yards back he is no longer involed with 95% of the plays, 10 on 11 sounds fun.

2. If my wife were to coach a team she would make sure not to call 15 or more screen passes a game, Hint: The spread has to be used as a balanced attack, what is the point of it if you are not using the many seems that it creates. Throwing the ball to the outside every time, and never running it makes it easier to prevent than V.D.

3. My wife knows what a hash is, you have 2 of them one on the left and one on the right, Hint: when running the spread with 3 or 4 receivers on one hash, its usually wise to put them on the larger hash, other wise its not a SPREAD!

4. She is good at chess, football is more of a chess match than most people think, sometimes you might want to even make a couple of moves just to set up a bigger move. and when the opponent makes a move that does not look good for you, then you ADJUST your plan a bit.

5. She is a utah fan

blogging

Finally I am an official blogger, at first I thought blogging sounded like something I would triumphantly do on the throne, but everyone seems to be haveing fun doing it, so here I am. Also I figure it will be a good tool for me to get better at typing and the use of computers, since I really suck at them both. The only thing I know on the computer is how to play fantasy football, and check my crappy football teams news. Go Bengals and Utes, Die steelers and Byu.