You're fine, how am I?

Some hurts
Sit in a deep, dark corner
Waiting to resurface
And grab you by the throat
To Make their presence known.

Some memories
Lurk at the shallow end
Often surfacing to bring joy
Or grief.

Yet others
Swim deep below
And only occasionally visit
But with such intensity
That they threaten
To pull you down
With them.

Grief and joy
Never together
But never too far either
One brings the memory 
Of the other.

And I'm left at the mercy
Of my hurts, memories, grief and joy
To decide
How I must be feeling today.

If I whisper….

 If I whisper...

will someone hear?

I have been quiet here. But it's a chaos in my head, and that's nothing new.

A lot has happened in the years since I last posted. S graduated college last month and will be starting a new job in another month. She’s a civil engineer now and has made me and J very proud. She has been dating this wonderful guy for a little over 2 years now. I feel he brings calmness and stability to her world. At least that is what I see. The five years she has been away from home, we have gotten closer emotionally.

M is FOURTEEN now! She is a free-range teenager. J & I leave her alone except for essentials like health and wellness, manners and safety etc. She seems to have a good head on her shoulders, is still learning time-management the hard way and is discovering a few truths about herself. She is into anime and gaming. She will be going to high school(!) this September and has chosen to study Chinese at a local intra-district magnet high school where she will be learning the language, culture, history and literature of China. 

J & I have changed a few jobs over the years, grown older and, perhaps, crankier. I definitely have lost tolerance for bullshit from others. That’s about it!

Oh, the innocence!

M came up to me a couple of days ago with a printed sheet. "Mommy, look at this page that the printer printed". It was a test page the printer had printed after the print cartridges had been changed. It had a few color blocks and then a test print of all the alphanumeric characters on it. I was wondering what was so special about this page and why M wanted me to look at it. Then she said "I saw a bad word printed on it". My brain immediately went on an alert. Really? Bad words on a print test page? What has the world come to? Why are companies trying to influence our kids like this? What's next? Will they try to tell my kid which cereal to buy or what color Legos she should be playing with? Hmmm.... Wait!

....

Never mind.

Well, I didn't really think all that but yeah, I was still wondering where the "bad words" were when M showed me. There they were! Printed on a page and left lying around so an innocent 8 year old could stumble across the page and widen the range of her vocabulary. I saw the word too. It said

!@#$%^&*()_+

My silence
speaks volumes
in the calls I don't make,
conversations I don't carry,
halfhearted smiles I smile.

My silence
speaks volumes
in what I don't say,
thoughts I don't express,
feelings I hide.

My silence
speaks volumes
in tears I don't shed
(but wish I could),
memories I don't dwell in,
regrets I don't hold.

My silence
is sometimes forgotten
and I laugh, smile and even talk.
But then I go back
to my silence
because
my silence
feels so comfortable around me.

Future planning - 55 word fiction

"I have news to share", she squealed. "I do too", said he, "but you first".

"My boss said if I continue working as hard as I do now, I will be promoted within a year. What's your's?"

"Well, my doctor said I have a year too"

Using my words

So I have had hundreds of ideas for a post but when I sit down to write, they all evaporate. I have been too busy to write them down somewhere to help my memory but I think it is more than just a memory issue. When I do get online, and I still remember what I wanted to write about, I still don't feel like doing it. There are a few reasons for that. I have realized that many of my earlier posts had kinda "holier than thou" elements to them. "I am awesome because I do things this way and you should too, then you will be awesome too". I have lost patience for those kind of posts - mine or from someone else. I don't feel like writing about my kids because, again, if I write about how awesome they are (they are, they are!) am I not just bragging about my parenting skills? My friends still love me - well the ones who keep in touch do. The ones who fell out of touch because they were counting how much I don't call them, never cared anyway. So what DO I write about? There are certain things that I feel about deeply, but then I have not mastered the art of baring my soul yet. It makes me feel too vulnerable. I feel like I have lost my words.

Well, one thing I CAN write about is - how much I have to be thankful for. Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and, like we have been doing for the last 9 years, we have 4 friends and their families coming over for dinner. These friends love us enough to set aside an entire evening for us on a long weekend. Earlier this year J and I both lost our jobs within 2 months of each other. It was a stressful time. Before my notice period ended, an opening in the same company for the same position, but in a different business unit, came up. My soon-to-be-ex boss gave me high recommendation and I got the job. My commute increased from 24 miles a day to a whopping 160 miles a day! It helped that I loved my job and enjoyed it. Things have been hectic but I have gotten a satisfaction out of my job that not everyone does. I am thankful for that. I am thankful for friends who supported us during that tough time.

J & I have been married for 19 years this December (the 3rd, in case someone wants to wish us a happy anniversary :D). We have been through an inter-continental move, infertility, a failed pregnancy, 2 child-births, 2 depressions, 3 job losses, one recession, death of my father, and numerous other challenges. I have come to realize what kind of a support J is. He is my rock. He didn't leave me when even I would have left me if I had been in his place. I am thankful for him.

Our daughters are growing up into beautiful, confident, smart women. S will be off to college in a couple of years. Everyday she amazes me with her clarity of thought and maturity. I recently had the "sex and drugs" talk with her. Her response? "I have too much to lose if I can't get in college, so these things are not on my agenda" (I am paraphrasing but this is essentially what she said) She plays volleyball with a dedication that wants me to borrow from my retirement account to let her play on a travel team she got chosen to but cannot accept because we don't have the money. Last night, when I told her that we won't be able to do the travel team because of the expenses, she cried. She was heartbroken, and I was too. But absent were tantrums and accusations. Actually the absence of tantrums and accusations was what made it more heartbreaking. I am thankful for my precious daughter who is so mature and understanding but still has a resilient streak in her that makes me so proud of her. Keep your stubbornness honey. You'll need it. The world can be mean sometimes.

I am thankful for the ray of sunshine in our lives that we call M. It has been a blink of an eye and she is already 7. She loves to do what her didi likes to do. Plays violin and does Kumon with a dedication because, yes, didi does it too! She is an "excellent student but a bit chatty" in her teacher's words. Very helpful and kind. Last year, during a thunderstorm, she helped a scared friend by holding her through the storm and telling her not to be afraid. She is the only one in the family who keeps her room clean consistently :) She knows her mind and oh how she knows it! I love that in her. There is nothing you can make her do if she doesn't want to do it. Stay this way baby! And thank you for coming into our lives and enriching them beyond our imagination.

My mom! I am thankful for the fact that my mom spends her money and time to stay the summer with us every year. She is always a great help when she is here - I don't have to worry about meals and the house. I don't have to bear the guilt that my kids can't stay at home even during their summer break because I have to go to work. This year her help was extra appreciated with my long commute and increased traveling for work. I wouldn't have survived the summer without her and my aunt, who came to visit us with her. They both gave us all a memorable summer. I am thankful for both of them.

There are times when I get depressed thinking about things that are still not right for us. But then I remind myself about what I do have. I have so much to be thankful for! Here is my wish for you for the Holidays -

May the positives always outweigh the negatives in your life! Happy Holidays!

Beer, blog, book - Sorting Out Sid's beer and blogging contest

Author Yashodhara Lal is hosting a beer and blogger contest on her blog. "Why?" Would be a normal question to ask. Well, to promote her new book - "Sorting Out Sid". Read an excerpt from the book here, then take yourself to your computer and participate in the contest! Here are the rules:

1. Write a post (in about 500 words) on your blog about why you would like to readSorting Out Sid. (You will of course get a copy of the book when you meet Y) (Click here for book trailer, description and excerpt) 

OR

Write a post ( in about 500 words) on your blog about any Funny/Embarassing/Awkward/Memorable Incident involving beer!

Extra points for being saucy, witty, funny since that is what the book is like!

2. The Team at HarperCollins and Y will shortlist 10 Delhi-NCR based bloggers to join us at the Beer and Blogger meet. You'll all be treated to a fine afternoon hosted by the nice folks at The Beer Cafe. 

Not Delhi-based? Fear not! As before, Y has kept 10 copies of the book in reserve for Non-Delhi based bloggers. You can participate in the contest with the same rules above and if your story wins, you will receive in the mail an author-signed copy too. (Note: they will not be shipped abroad, but you can win them for family and friends here!)

Keep the following in mind, please: 

1. The Title of your blogpost must be ''Sorting Out Sid - Beer and Blogger Contest''

2. You must include a link back to this post somewhere in your post for your entry to be valid. (Let your readers find their way here and check out the contest for themselves!)

3. Please ensure you leave a comment to this post with a link to your entry ( Otherwise, how the heck will we find it?)

4. It is optional to include the book cover, book trailer or book description in your blog post. (You'll find them all right here.)

5. It is also optional to spread the word on social media about your entry to this contest, or to include the link to the book page on Flipkart 

6. Both points 4 and 5 above will certainly win you my love and affection, if not necessarily the contest ;)

7. The contest is open until 31st January 2014 only. The decision of the judges will be final. No late entries will be entertained. In fact, if you get your post up before 15th Jan,you may be one of the Early Bird winners to be announced on Jan 20th. (Well sorry but THAT ship has already sailed :D)

So, HURRY UP!

Co-Sleeping: Good or bad?

Note: I wrote a few articles for the Mom and Me blog that has since been shut down. I am re-posting those articles here just to chronicle my writing endeavors.

I recently read a news article about the sad demise of a 2month old baby boy who was co-sleeping with his mother. The mother fell asleep while nursing him. I haven’t been able to shake that terrible tragedy from my mind.

Some of us believe that co-sleeping is the best option and some of us don’t. Basically it is just a matter of individual opinion and preference. My husband and I co-slept with our first-born and also with the second one for the first 2 or so months. They both slept better after we moved them to their own beds, and so did we. Both our daughters have turned out to be individuals with good sleeping habits so I don’t know if it affects them either way. But there IS a safe way to co-sleep with your baby if you want to. 

• Get a co-sleeper that attaches to the bed or at least has a rigid structure to keep the baby inside a safe space and stop an adult from rolling over accidentally. We used a three sided rigid plastic box with 6 inch high walls. It had a padded, slip-on cover and a clip-on light. It was our sanity saver the first two months. We kept it between us, near our heads – that way the baby only reached up to our chest and there was less chance of one of us rolling over her.
• Make sure you have enough room on the bed to accommodate the baby. Ours is a spacious king sized bed. If we had been using our old queen-sized bed, I definitely wouldn’t have co-slept.
• Make sure the bed is not cluttered. Put away extra pillows and blankets. We didn’t even cover the baby with our blanket. We used her own blanket to cover her. That way there was no risk of us smothering her.
• A FIRM mattress is best for co-sleeping, even with a co-sleeper. A soft or plush mattress makes it easier for an adult to roll over the baby or for the baby to roll under. Even if death doesn’t occur, a hand or a leg could get trapped and result in discomfort or injury.
• If you are taking medication that can induce drowsiness or if you are severely sleep deprived and might fall asleep while feeding or holding the baby, DO NOT COSLEEP!
• DO NOT breastfeed the baby with him/her lying next to you. It is VERY easy to fall asleep in the perpetual sleep-deprived state of new parenthood and it is VERY EASY to smother a child by just pushing up the breast against his/her mouth so that the nose gets blocked.

The more I feel...

the quieter I get. My blog is a testament to that. For the last year and a half, I have been caught in a whirlwind of emotions over various matters but you couldn't tell that by looking at my blog. My last post was 9 months ago. Sheesh!! Anyway. Can't do anything about it. The words just don't flow.

In the meanwhile, life has been happening. M and S have been growing up at a breakneck speed. S is going into 10th grade (gasp!) and M has long grown out of toddlerhood and is quite a young lady these days. A tomboy too. Loves to wear dresses but loves to monkey around too.95% of her waking time is spent jumping around, literally. Legos keep her occupied for hours and reading is one of her passions. I like it that her interests are so varied. Pink and purple compete with red and blue in attracting her interest. Dolls find a space right next to Lego and dinosaur sets. I like the contradiction that she is. A second-born, with the confidence of a first-born. A quick temper with a kind heart. A sense of justice with a teeny hint of selfishness. I love all of it.

And S? She keeps showing us what a special young woman she is. She has started volunteering at her music school - working as a "Practice partner" for young kids. Volleyball, orchestra, track, babysitting - she has a lot of balls in the air but she still hasn't dropped the most important of them all - academics. Got straight A's in all subjects except one - and in that she got an A minus which, I keep telling her, is good. She thinks otherwise. Can you tell I am VERY proud of her?

J and I are both back in school, doing MBAs (different universities). There's a lot on our plate but, strangely, this is the happiest we have been. Stressed but happy. I'll take that over stressed and unhappy any day.

Let go and move on. And shut up.

Today is October 4th. The day my father passed away 4 years ago. As the years pass by, I find it easier to deal with my loss but I still struggle on and around this day. I become cranky, withdrawn and introspective. I try to find a connection with my dad by doing a "havan" on the morning of October 4th, and by making his favorite food for dinner. I try not to miss him, his soft laugh and rough touch. I try to remember what he taught me and how much he loved me. I try to bring up a picture of him in my mind – that disarming smile, thick black/grey hair, broad forehead. Sometimes, instead, I see the image of him standing next to my mom, withered and tired – this was when he visited me for the first time after he had just recovered from a stroke. My mind wanders on to the painful fact that I listened to him and did not go to India when he was hospitalized for his surgery. I could at least have met him, touched him, and talked to him one last time. He told me to stay home because M needed me. That he will be fine and back home in no time. I was a fool to listen to him.

This is also the day when I feel the loneliest on the planet even though I have J with me and he stays home to do the havan with me. Human mind is such that it always craves the unattainable. That "unattainable" thing for me is a phone call from my family to let me know that they are thinking of me, even though I am so far from them, while they have all gotten together to pay homage to my dad. I call them on the evening of the 3rd, when it is already the morning of 4th at their end. They are usually getting ready to do a havan themselves - cleaning, getting ready, setting things up. We chat briefly and then hang up amidst promises of them calling me the next morning when it is the 4th at my end.

On the morning of the 4th, J and I get ready, clean out the place where we are going to do the havan (usually the garage because it has been raining on this day for the last three years), drop the girls off at school, come back and get everything ready - all the while keeping an ear open for the phone, hoping that it will ring sometime soon. That it will be my mother or brother calling to let me know that even though I might be physically alone, thousands of miles away from them, they are with me in thought and spirit. The call never comes. That is one thing I can count on – that I will never receive that one call on this particular day, when I need it the most. I must learn to cope on my own.

A few friends, to whom I vented about this, consoled me by saying they perhaps “freeze up” at the thought of making this call, it must hurt so much. I can understand that, and at the same time I don’t. I understand that it can hurt terribly, that their grief probably paralyzes them. But, I can’t understand why someone would not think of a loved one’s hurt and keep his (or her) own hurt aside for a few minutes. Can it be that difficult? If my daughter told me how it hurts that I don’t call her on the one day that she feels utterly lonely, I think I WOULD remember to call her from then on even if my own grief was killing me.

Maybe I am making a big deal out of it unnecessarily. I should count my blessings. My mom loves me dearly, and so does my brother. I have spent the entire day today reminding myself of this. If my mom didn't love me, she wouldn't close down her own home for 4 months to come live with me. If my brother didn't love me, his face wouldn't light up when we meet. People can love you and still be thoughtless sometimes. I have to learn to accept that. I should just let it go and move on. But moving on is such a hard thing to do! There should be an app for that.

Cheating in relationships

At what point, do you think, cheating starts? Suppose you meet someone and you begin liking him/her. You slowly become good friends. You begin liking the person quite a lot, then start flirting with him/her, then start fantasizing about him/her. Maybe one thing leads to another, you kiss each other and one day you end up in bed with him/her. In all this, when would you say you actually start cheating on your spouse/ significant other? When you started flirting? Fantasizing? Or when you actually kissed or slept with this person?

I was of the opinion that it is cheating if you even cheat in thought. But when I had a conversation about this with my brother, he said all a man would care about is if you kissed or slept with another man. Which is rather simple and leaves a lot of room for flirting :) Today, while watching a TV program, J said something similar. In the TV program, a woman's (let's call her K) boyfriend tells her he had been with another woman in their apartment and almost slept with her but in the end didn't do so because he couldn't bear the thought of not having K in his life. K, at this point, storms off saying he should have thought about it before cheating on her. J immediately said "But he didn't cheat on her!!" while I was thinking "Really? Didn't he?"

Is this really a Mars vs. Venus case? Or is this a case of just different opinions, not necessarily defined or stereotyped by gender? Am I revealing that I I have been living under a rock so far and only crawled out from under it yesterday? What do you think? Would you believe that you cheated as soon as the first fantasy about the other person entered your head? Or would you think it isn't cheating unless you slept with him/her? What if it were your spouse/ significant other flirting/ fantasizing/ kissing/ sleeping with a friend? At what point would their behavior hurt you?

Me? I am still trying to make up my mind.

Why do we do what we are told?

We Indians have a big problem. We do what we are told. Our culture instills in us that people "higher" than us are always right. We are not taught to question authority. Actually any instinct to question authority is quashed right at the beginning as soon as a child starts asking "why". Maybe I am generalizing too much. I definitely know quite a few people who question authority most vocally. But what I am talking about is the ease with which we accept ridiculous rules imposed on us in the name of authority. It doesn't occur to us to ask why we should follow the rule. Or if the rule should even be in place to begin with.

I had a big debate with my husband, cousin and mom at the dinner table last night. It started when my cousin mentioned that a company he knew of, made it mandatory for all its employees to get up from their seats for a few minutes every hour and move around or do some exercises to music piped through speakers throughout the building. While the intention behind imposing this rule might be noble (improving health of employees), my objection was to the  child-like treatment the employees were subjected to.

The argument that my worthy opponents (hehe) put forth was that the company has vested interest in its employees' health. The company could save huge amounts of money in insurance costs and time lost due to sick leaves taken by employees.  In my opinion, a company may put forth incentives for employees to stay healthy or even mandate health checkups regularly and impose a consequence for failing the health checkups. These, though unfair (when the employee's health has no direct bearing on his or her ability to perform his/her job function), would still be something an employee would have a choice over. He or she could choose to let his or her health slide and face the consequences. But saying that everyone HAS to get up at a predetermined time every hour and move around to some music is one short step from total dictatorial rule. Not only that, it also implies that the people who are subjected to that rule are no better than kids and need to be kept in line by rules and regulations. Heck, I wouldn't subject even kids to such diktats.

Second argument in favor of the company was that this rule is similar to companies imposing a no-smoking policy these days. How is it different from a company that tells its employees that they can't smoke in the building or that they have to go to some secluded spot, far removed from the main building, to get their smoke fix? This is how (and why). When a person smokes, he or she puts the health of other people at risk as well. Secondary smoke causes harm and we all know it. When a person chooses not to exercise and lets his or her health slide, he/she is causing harm only to him/herself, and not to others. I believe a company has every right to restrict its employees from smoking INSIDE ITS PREMISES. But a company has no business telling its employees that they can't smoke. Similarly, a company has no legal or ethical right to tell its employees that they have to exercise every hour. Say, a company is allowed to do this. Next thing you know, they'll be setting up limits on how much each person can eat. Where will it stop?

What happens when an employee lets his or her health slide so far that it starts affecting his/her performance at work? The company would have grounds to dismiss the employee for poor performance in that case, but I still wouldn't support a mandate for all employees to exercise. I say we should treat people as the adults that they are. They know exercising is good for them, smoking is bad for them and all other health crap. If they still decide to ignore it and not take care of their health, it is THEIR PROBLEM. You set up a rule saying a person should or should not do a certain thing for his or her own benefit, you are not too far from becoming a police state where you think it is your right to dictate people in other matters too. Like telling the women what to wear, how to behave, where not to go etc. Or telling grown men and women who they can and cannot, should and should not, marry. I think this is how a police state takes form. First someone comes up with a rule for the masses for "their own benefit". Once that is accepted, more rules are created and imposed. Where will it stop? Won't the "chosen few" take it as their right and responsibility to decide what is good for the masses? Will they be right in doing so?

The flip side of this discussion is that yes, adults should know what is good for them and act accordingly. Just because one has the right to live any way he/she wants should not mean that he/she can deliberately do things that are harmful or disrespectful to others.

Right after this discussion, I came across this article. I am amazed! Where do the schools get off telling parents what to wear and what not to wear? Agreed that parents should have more sense than to just zoom off to drop their kids off in their night clothes, but do the schools really need to go to the extent of "banning" them from entering the building? Really?? I know the "THEIR PREMISE" argument can be used here too but then, these parents are not harming others when they dress up inappropriately, are they? (Except their own reputation as sensible adults who know how to dress properly, maybe)

I know many Indians will not have a problem accepting this rule (or the one that I had a debate on earlier) as "normal" or even "right". I think that is because our culture teaches us that people in positions of authority (elders, employers, power figures etc.) have to be deferred to, respected and that they are always right - even when they are wrong. I think that part of our culture needs rethinking.

What do you think?

Note: I am not naming the company, but it is an American company. I am not commenting on whether Americans (or people from any other country) follow rules blindly or not. I am not qualified to make that observation. My post is based on the readiness I see in my fellow Indians to justify any such rules. Also, I am not implying that I am any better than them. I have the same instinct to "do as I am told". But I am learning to fight that instinct. I am learning to question rules that seem a tad bit (or more) on the ridiculous side. I am also learning to question rules that seem sane and reasonable. What I am actually learning, is that it is healthy to question the state of things. It means you are paying attention (and not just following blindly)

What's in a hug?

You know, when life sucker-punched you in the face and everything that could go wrong, did?
There’s a hug for that.

When you just get beat down with one problem after another and can’t get a moment to catch your breath?
There’s a hug for that.

When you are so tired from the constant juggling and running and managing of schedules that dropping dead seems like an appealing solution?
There’s a hug for that.

When life plonks you smack-dab in the middle of a hopeless situation and you see no way out?
Yeah, there’s a hug for that.

When your worries are dragging you down, inch by inch, away from the happy perch that you earlier clawed yourself up to?
There’s a hug for that too.

When people you depended on or trusted, are no longer dependable or trustable?
There better be a hug for that!

But best of all – when you just want a hug, and nothing but a hug?
There IS a hug for that!


I came across the “Free Hugs Campaign” quite accidentally – I don’t remember where or how. But it drives home the truth that doesn’t normally register on our minds – a simple hug carries such a therapeutic power in it. Have you ever had a day when you just craved for a tender human touch? For a friend to give you a squeeze and say “It’s gonna be alright”? Or for someone to just fold you into their arms and hold you for a while? I have had many of those days in the past few months. I am lucky to have a few very special people in my life who dole out hugs on a regular basis as well as on special demand. But there are occasions when I need a hug and still don’t want to have to ask for it. (What? A girl is allowed that!!) On those days I wish

a) My loved ones had “Cee needs a hug” sensors, OR
b) Someone was running a Free Hugs campaign in my neighborhood.

Yeah I am silly like that. And I pay for it by not getting hugs when I most need them.

This is how I feel at times

I grew up in a "hug-less" environment but I knew I was loved. My parents didn’t show their affection in physical ways but they never missed an opportunity to let me and my brother know that they loved us very much. So, it was very late in life that I realized the power that a simple hug carries in it. But, I still can’t bring myself to hug people randomly, no matter how close I am to them. J and the girls are an exception – I think I must suffocate them with the hugs I bestow upon them. I have hugged my best friend of 11 years on occasions that I can count on the fingers of one hand. We joke about it. I wish I could just reach out and hug her when we meet or when we leave after meeting but I just can’t bring myself to do it. I often wonder why I am this way, but haven’t been able to figure it out.

It could be my fear of rejection (yes I have that) but that is silly, isn’t it? How would someone reject a hug? Especially someone who, I know, cares about me. Beats me. Who can figure out the ways of a Crazy Cee? At least not a Cee. Do you have any insights?

So, coming to the original question – what’s in a hug? A hug can be a means to show that you care. It has therapeutic powers, no doubt.  But also some apprehension, self-doubt and fear of rejection apparently (for me). Oh, and according to some articles I found online, some signals, innuendos, opportunities etc. too :)

Note: When I was searching for answers to my question "What's in a hug?", I came across a post bearing the same title by another blogger. Since I had already typed my whole post out, I didn't change the title of mine. Do read this post - very well written.

NOW try telling me rapes happen because of how women dress or behave

Many people believe that incidents of rape and sexual harassment happen because of the victim's outfit or behavior. Many of them are people in positions of power which means chances are high that their opinions will influence other people's opinions. That is unfortunate because the fact of the matter is that rape is more about exerting power over the victim than about satisfying a sexual urge generated by titillating outfit or behavior.

Rape is a disgusting display of brutal power and twisted morals. It has nothing to do with the victim, and everything to do with the rapist. But you know what my great country-people believe? That a little, 7th grade girl is to blame when she gets raped by a neighbor who is a grown man with kids of his own. That disgusted me no end. But waitaminnit!! While searching for the news article about that rape, I stumbled across this news article. At first I thought it was news about another rape victim in India, but no! This one happened closer to home - in Springfield, Missouri! I fully expected the sexually repressed Indians to blame the victim. Imagine my horror upon finding out that the people from a developed nation's sexually liberated society think the same way! Difference is, this is a somewhat isolated example here whereas this thinking is prevalent in Indian society. The Western world is not completely free of this mentality though. Last year, a Canadian police officer's suggestion that "women should stop dressing like sluts" to remain safe triggered "Slutwalks" all over the world. So this depravity is not limited to third world countries alone - it is widespread and thriving all over the world.

It is easier to blame the victim in this kind of crimes, than to blame the perpetrator. Why? Who knows? It IS hard work catching the criminals and proving their crime. It is safe to hide behind the traditional thinking. It is easier to control the women when they are made to believe that they are responsible for the harms that befall them when they step outside their "boundaries". It is morally uplifting to believe that the victims got what they had coming to them and we aren't victims because we are purer and/or smarter.


If the moral police were right in their beliefs about the influence of victims' behavior or clothing on a rapist's mind, no 10 month old girls or 80 year old women would get raped. If they were right, we wouldn't come across such news articles (Thanks to Sue for this link - I lifted this from one of her tweets). Go ahead read this and tell me it did not turn your guts inside out.

See that is another thing about rape - it can also be used as a weapon of war. It is never about the victim's attire or behavior. It is always about exerting control and asserting authority. Even when the rapist does rape the victim because she was improperly dressed or drunk, he actually does it to "teach her a lesson". Now go ahead an read the articles that I have linked in the previous paragraph and then tell me if those victims were raped because they were wearing revealing clothes, or because they were behaving inappropriately or simply "asking for it"?

You know why the criminals get away with these excuses? Because WE, the society, let them! We dumbly accept their excuse. Heck we even accept that a rapist should get a reduced sentence because when he committed the crime of rape, he had been away from his family for a long time and hence not in control of his actions. It does not matter that his victim was a 10 month old baby. We accept these excuses because we, despite being intelligent beings with rational thought capacity, still cannot accept sex for what it is - a natural act. And we keep associating it with what it isn't - control, blame, impurity, pleasure-seeking (which, somehow, seems an inferior behavior to our minds), guilty pleasure, selfishness, you-name-it-we-got-it.

Things have GOT to change. We have to assign blame where it is due, not where it is convenient to place.

An Indian woman's dilemma

I’ve felt the rage

that made me bare my fangs.

I’ve been filled

with love’s bitter pangs.

I’ve been to the end

of despair and back,

and then I saw a door

open just a crack.

I got a glimpse of

what my life could be.

I thought of the loved ones,

and then I thought of me.

They don’t go together,

the thoughts of me and them.

Oh how I wish I were

the selfish kind of fem!

The door that opened

and called out to me,

showed me the dreams

of a long-lost younger me.

I took a step to it,

and another.

Then I remembered I'm a

daughter, wife and mother.

I long for an answer,

whatever it may be.

It would be nice to have

an end to the agony.

But I don’t think I can

take it anymore.

I think I’m just  gonna

have to shut the door.

If there were no consequences

to anything that we do, what would you do?

We all work (most of the times) within the parameters set by the real or perceived consequences of our actions. When we, intentionally or unintentionally, do things without considering the consequences, we face them. Eventually. That, I believe, also works as an effective parenting technique. What better way to teach your child to heed the consequences of their actions than to let them have a brush with a few unpleasant ones?

S once forgot to bring her homework to school despite a few reminders from me. The next day I got a call from her class teacher, asking me to verify that she had indeed, as she was insisting, done her work. I verified that and then requested the teacher to still go ahead and implement the standard consequence for missing homework - make S do the homework in class by making her miss recess. This happened when S was in first grade. She is in eighth grade now and reminding her to take her homework or projects to school is NOT one of my responsibilities. She remembers it herself.

So, coming back to the original question. If you could do anything without having to face any consequences, what would you do? Me? I think it will be pretty meaningless to do anything then. We do things because they carry consequences - pleasant ones. We refrain from doing things that carry unpleasant consequences. But I don't think anyone likes to do anything that doesn't carry any - those are called meaningless tasks, aren't they?

Okay, let's assume we are only eliminating the unpleasant consequences. What would you do then? I can think of a few things right away that I would do. No, murder is not one of them. I don't hate anyone enough to murder them. Not anymore anyway. But then I pause and think again - even if there weren't any (unpleasant) consequences tied to my actions, would I take advantage of that? I would still know what I'd done and that it is wrong (remember, we are talking about removing unpleasant consequences so it must mean that the actions preceding them are wrong). That would be enough to deter me because I do not like not liking myself.

Anyway, I think the mark of an honorable man (and woman) lies in how he/she behaves even in absence of negative consequences. Now, I don't claim to be honorable (though I try to be), but I do think living this way is also easy on one's conscience. Now THAT is something I like!

What about you?

(Note: Cross-posted here)

A-less

Ernest Vincent Wright, I'm told, wrote one 50,000 word novel without using the letter "e". Impressive, huh? I've decided to try to write 26 posts - every one without one specific letter of the English letter set, going in sequence from beginning to end. Just curious - did you notice so long I've not used the first letter of the "English Letter set"? (Yes I'm permitted to devise my own words or descriptions if I come up short on synonyms)

So, this will be interesting. I wonder how long I'll keep going before I stumble into some letter which I decidedly couldn't do without. E? Some other vowel? I wonder. I'm sure it will be some vowel which will get the better of me. Let's see. Bring it on!! (Obviously I've tons of time but not enough things to do)

Bragging rights!

The much eagerly awaited book written by a talented writer and a dear friend, Kiran Manral, is finally out and on the bookshelves. Go get it!! I get the bragging rights because I NOW KNOW A PUBLISHED AUTHOR!! I haven't been able to get my hands on the book yet but that will be soon rectified. In the meanwhile YOU get the book and tell me how you like it. Go on.

It is available on Flipkart here.

To learn more about the book, visit Kiran's website. 

To learn more about Kiran, visit her many blogs (start from here). This woman simply amazes me. Her drive, her determination is something I can only aspire to. 

Who says you can't go home?

Who says you can't go home? (God, I LOVE that song!!!)

I did. And I had a blast. Met friends and family. Got over a few grudges. Found peace of mind in a few matters. Got sick like a dying dog. Traveled. Learned a few things. Unlearned a few things.

One thing I learned is that "alone" doesn't quite mean alone. When I told people I was traveling alone, the next question out of their mouths used to be "With the kids?" Amazing!! People either don't listen or their idea of a woman traveling alone is that of a woman traveling alone (as in without her husband) with her kids. I am still trying to wrap my head around this.

Some people expressed worry at me leaving my kids "alone" - apparently having their own dad there with them does not count as able supervision. I am still trying to decide if I should take it as an insult over considering my husband incapable of taking care of his own children or just chalk it up to their ignorance. A few women expressed their envy at me being able to do it, and that made me feel sad for those who can not even consider this option, even if a family emergency were to arise.

I found that the two cities that I always visit on my trips to India - Jodhpur and Indore, were cleaner this time. Perhaps due to the government's ban on plastic bags. No more plastic waste, wrapped around all sorts of "other" waste flapping around on the streets. The traffic seemed saner in Indore too - but maybe that was only due to my own limited exposure to it. I was in the city for a mere 2.5 days.

I met a bunch of highschool classmates in Jodhpur. We had a 23-year reunion. 15 of us made it, 3 of us alone and the rest with families. It was wonderful to see how all of us have changed and grown and also to meet the spouses and kids. I particularly appreciated the spouses who made it to the reunion. J had one for his high school last year and if I could go (I couldn't - didn't have enough vacation time) I probably would have opted out. I am kinda shy and uncomfortable in gatherings where I don't know most of the people. That is really strange because I don't have problems making friends with strangers - I am just uncomfortable in gatherings.

I also benefited from the motherly hovering, caring and pampering that my mom bestowed on me :) This is exactly what I had been missing, and wishing for. The last few years haven't exactly been easy on me and I had been grappling with a lot of self-doubt and angst. This trip resolved a lot of that. Being with my mother eased some of the hurt that had crept in seeing her feel miserable and lonely in my home when she visited us last in 2010. She'd had to cut her visit short due to the loneliness and I took it as a personal failure, somehow. I just wish I could have spent more time with her in Jodhpur. She flew to Delhi to see me off back to US but I couldn't really spend much time with her that day as I was sick and spent most of the day sleeping. My youngest aunt came to Jodhpur to meet me as well, and so did my maternal uncle and aunt and one of their daughters with her son. I was moved that so many people considered it worth their time and effort to come meet me after traveling for hours.

Next stop was Hyderabad where I met The Ro, The Maggie, The Sue and The Dipali. The K and The EvesLungs were supposed to join us too but K cancelled early on during the planning phase due to some clashing family plans and EL had to change plans at the last minute. Both were tremendously missed. The 2 days that I spent in Hyderabad were wonderful despite the cough and the fever that I developed on my way there from Jodhpur. Ro and her husband, Jai, are awesome hosts. And don't believe Ro when she complains about her "brats" - I didn't see better behaved kids on my entire trip that took me through 5 cities and 7 airports (a couple of them multiple times).

I bought my anniversary gift from J in Hyderabad - two pearl sets! I didn't do much shopping - most of everything that I brought back from India was gifted to me. All I had to do was pay the extra baggage fee at EVERY. SINGLE. PORT!! But the new and improved me didn't mind the extra fee or the overweight baggage - instead I loved my friends and family for the love they showed me.

Next I visited my brother and his wife in Pune. 2.5 days again. 2.5 days full of rest, relaxation, shopping, chatting, laughing, arguing - something I hadn't done with them in a long, LONG time. This probably was the most memorable part of my trip - made me realize how much I had been missing my brother. He was my first "best friend" - someone I could share everything and anything with. I was glad to find out that things are still the same. We went out for coffee and I ended up spilling my emotions in front of him about a lot of things that had been bothering me for some time. And a few tears. He is still one of VERY FEW people I can cry in front of. He took it all like he always has - with patience and understanding like only a best friend could. Bonded with my sister in law over cups of tea and her reprimands to my brother about taking better care of me while I was visiting them :) She is another perfect hostess who makes sure you are comfortable in her home without making you feel awkward about the care being dispensed. And she has decorated her home beautifully!!

From Pune I went to Indore to visit my in-laws for 2.5 days. Turned out to be the best trip I have ever had to Indore. No pressure, easy conversations, fun and laughter. Lots of love from my nephew and niece. A lot of pampering from my brother in law and his wife. Some happy conversations with my father and mother in law. All in all, a happy trip. From there it was back to Delhi and then to US. I had been sick ever since I left Jodhpur but that did not stop me from enjoying myself. Towards the end though, my energy depleted and I almost crashed in Delhi. I managed to bring myself home despite an upset stomach, cough, fever and high blood pressure from all the travel related stress (and an inefficient medication - but more on that later).

So, you see, I did manage to go home and then come back to where my home is now.

How to confuse the heck out of your parents

M: Mommy, do you know what is the smallest number?
Me: No. What?
M: 1!
Me: How about 0? Isn't zero the smallest number? ( Did not want to confuse her with negative numbers)
M: No!
Me: Think about it. If you have 1 chocolate and I have 0, who has more chocolates?
M: (Thinks for a moment) Didi!!
Me: (not giving up) If you have one chocolate and didi has zero, who would have more chocolates?
M: (thinking harder) Daddy!
Me: How so?
M: I would want daddy to have 20 chocolates because then I can have all his chocolates!

Who can refute that logic??!

'sup?!

I know I have been AWOL. For a very long time. I tried convincing myself that it was okay because, really! Who really reads my blog anymore? I tried telling myself that I really write only for myself - and that IS true. I am not catering to the readers of my blog. I don't mean that as an insult - all I mean is that I write what I want to write about and do not worry about what will "sell". Maybe I could write on topics that generate discussion to get more readership.

Well, coming back to the topic - I tried telling myself that no one is really reading my blog. But every time I visit my own blog, I see the follower count stuck at 44. I come in expecting to see it going down steadily but am amazed to see it at the same number every time. And that has started making me feel guilty about not posting. So here I am with an update on what's going on with me :)

S turned 13 this year. She has grown taller than me. She is getting better and better at playing her violin and at gymnastics. And she will be going to high school next year. That last bit is giving me panic attacks, but that is not the only thing causing panic. I have gone back to school too. For years I waited to either save enough money to get a MBA degree or to find a company that would help me pay for it. Well, finally I got hired at a company that provides tuition assistance to its employees. I started this fall. Also took the GMAT and stressed out terribly over it, scored a 680 after studying for about a week, submitted my score, transcripts, personal essay and references and waited with bated breath for a decision from the admission committee. Received the acceptance letter two days ago. PHEW!!

M is four and a half now. FOUR AND A HALF!!!! How long has it been since I posted ANY updates on her? I don't remember when I posted about her last. I know that is terrible but I couldn't really do anything about it. Life was just a whirlwind of family visits, get-togethers with friends, school, work and...  well, life.

So that's it. How have you all been? I hope to be more regular here but I don't really know what I will be writing about. Maybe you guys could help me out? Leave me post suggestions in the comments if you can spare a few minutes for that.

Oh and one final update - I have started contributing parenting articles at Mom & Me. Please do visit and check my posts out. I will be posting an article every week (well, hopefully). I do sincerely want to get regular with posting there, Women's Web, Stage of Life and on this blog. Lets hope it works out in addition to school, work, family and our busy social calendar.

Au Revoir

We’ve known each other for a long time. You and I, we met in 1999 for the first time. We kind of broke up a number of times, when I tried other relationships, but we always got back together each time. Every time I went out with someone else, I found out that there was no one, NO ONE, who I could depend on or whom I could trust as much as I did you. And then, around 2003-04 we drifted away from each other and I thought we’d never see each other again but then life brought us back together and we hooked up again in 2007. Our relationship has been going strong since then.

We've met every day, multiple times a day. You have always taken care of things for me, you are dependable, and you’re someone I can trust. Someone I can trust to take care of my life’s messes. In all this time I’ve known you, you have changed quite a bit. You have changed yourself a lot for me. And I appreciate that. In every form you have been equally reliable and dependable.

But honey, I am really sorry – our relationship must come to an end now. It’s time we said au revoir to each other. It’s time we went our separate ways. I’m sure you’ll find someone else, whom you could protect and take care of like you have always done for me. Maybe you will help them as much as you have helped me. I will always remember you, I will miss you. But honey I don’t think we can be together anymore because, you see, I have outgrown our relationship. M is completely toilet trained now.

My dear Pampers, as much as I love you, I don’t think I need you anymore. I wish you all the best and I take with me, in my heart, the fond memories that we have had together, of the times when you cleaned up the messes. Or held them in!

Love ya.

Yours lovingly,

Cee

Demand and supply

Me: M, how much do you love me?
M: (with wide eyes and a BIG smile) 20 million!!
Me: Really?? Then you have to give me 20 million kisses RIGHT NOW!!
M: You know what? Today I love you only one million.
Runs away.

But you said...

“But you said…”

“Yes, I know. But things have changed”

“But you promised!”

“I know darling! But, you know, things are different now”

“All I know is that you PROMISED!”

“Listen, I… See. I can’t, anymore…”

“I thought you’d keep your word”

“I always do. It’s just…”

“No you don’t! You aren’t keeping it NOW!”

“You HAVE to understand. Please understand”

“I understand. But still, you promised. Wasn’t it you who taught me to 

Say what I mean and mean what I say?”

“Yes, and now I want you to

Do as I say and not as I do!”

Hop over!

My latest post at Women's Web is up.

An excerpt:

I am 40. It took me this many years to learn to stand up for myself.  And even now, I am not fully there yet. I still, sometimes, need to remind myself to think of “me” instead of the other person. My first reaction is still to blame myself if I get in a conflict with someone. I am still too timid to speak up about what I want or things that bother me. And when I catch myself doing that, I wonder why it is so? Why is it easy for men to say “Well, he/she is an a-hole” when they get in a conflict while women say “I must have done or said something to elicit that response from him/her”?

What is it that makes us this way? Our upbringing? Maybe. Our inherent nature? I doubt that. Social conditioning? YES! I cannot remember the number of times I have been told by one particular female relative that, being a woman, it is my supreme duty to a) tolerate everything, b) put others first, c) keep my mouth shut. You subject a woman to years of that sermon, along with taking her independence away by forbidding her from working, making her financially dependent and telling her all the time that she is good only because you are good to her (which implies no matter what she does, her efforts can never be exceptional or applaud-worthy) and what do you get? A broken woman who think she is good for nothing. A woman who takes years to realize that she got the jobs that she got (when she finally went out to work) because she was wanted for her skills and not because the employers were out to do charity.

Kids and Social Networking (Cross posted at Stage of Life website)

Note: This has been cross-posted at Stage of Life.

My "protective mother" instinct rears its head as soon as I hear about a preteen being on Facebook. I can't stop myself from expressing my opinions on the topic, knowing fully well that I am NOT the keeper of other people's kids. Their house, their rules. But it grates on me to see how some parents are either unaware of the potential harm of letting their child go unsupervised on the Internet or are too confident that their child is somehow capable of skirting all danger and is, unlike other kids his/her age, is super responsible.

My main concern is two-fold. One, the kids are clearly underage according to FaceBook's written policy on minimum age for members (13 years). This means they will have to lie about their age to open a Facebook account. Which, in turn, means the parents are either encouraging the lying or ignoring it. Both options don't seem too good to me. Where will they stop then? How will they explain to their kids that some lying is okay but otherwise one should never lie?

Two, one can control what they put on their Facebook wall, but they cannot control what others will put on theirs. This increases the risk of a child coming across age-inappropriate material. I once followed a link to a page on violence against women. Some images there shook me and left me unsettled for days. I am 40. How can I expect my 12 year old daughter or 9 year old niece to not be affected by such images?

Granted I cannot protect my kids from every single harm out there but I can at least try! Maybe I am being too conservative but I feel given the form Facebook is taking (one can create pages and groups for anything), there is a high chance that a child will be exposed to inappropriate material.

In addition to all this, how can we guarantee that all the people our kids "friend" on Facebook are actually kids their age or responsible adults? How do we guarantee that one of them is not a pedophile masquerading as a 14 year old cool boy? We have heard enough stories about kids who made online friends and then fell into harm's way when a "friend" lured them someplace and turned out not to be who the kids expected them to be.

I am a big proponent of not suffocating kids with our caution and rules. I strongly believe that parental control must be relaxed gradually as our children grow older. I believe doing so teaches our kids to be responsible and alert for their own safety. But I am also a staunch believer of age-appropriateness of things and I don't think FaceBook, or any other social networking site, that lets adults and kids mingle anonymously (if they so choose) is a good idea for very young kids. Most times, these kids spend unsupervised time on FaceBook/internet.

What do you think? Am I being over-protective or too conservative? What age did you allow your kids to open a Facebook account? Or what age will you allow it at? What age did your kids get their first email IDs. What measures did you take to let them have some freedom but to keep an eye on things at the same time?

Most importantly, how much privacy do you think young kids are entitled to? Facebook and other social networking sites aren't the only danger our kids face online. It is, in fact, a matter of their "online habits" (if you will, for lack of a better term) in general that we need to be more aware of. What safe internet-browsing practices do you have your kids follow? How much control do you exercise on their online activity and how and when will you relax that control?

The day mommy was left speechless

M: Mommy, why do we have fingers?

Me: To grab things, to tickle someone.

M: Why do we have hands?

Me: To garb things, to grab mommies and daddies and big sisters.

M: Why do we have arms?

Me: To hug mommies, daddies and sisters.

M: And brothers?
Me: Yes. And grandparents and friends.

M: And BOYS!

Me: ................................

CSAAM April 2011 - empowering the children

It is pretty surprising that despite having undergone several sexual harassment/ molestation incidents throughout my childhood and young adulthood I have ended up being fairly scar-free of those emotional traumas. I don't know how or why. I definitely had my parents’ unspoken support and that gave me strength. And I read books and articles on the matter like crazy – they made me realize that it was not my fault. But it was brutal going through all that starting from a very young age of (perhaps) 3 and a half or four years. My first memory of such an incident is not visual. It is more related to sounds and touches. The molester was a teenage girl (or probably in her early 20s).

From then on, I was fair game like every other girl in India is, to these beasts. I have lost count of the number of times I was harassed on the streets, molested by people I (or my parents) trusted AND the number of years I believed that all this happened to me because I was promiscuous. I do, still, remember the shame I felt, the fear and the frustration that gripped me and the rage that shook me every time something like this happened. What’s worse was that I had NO ONE to talk to, about all this. The few times I did have to ask for other people's help, I was chastised for having brought it upon myself (never by my parents though).

One incident that stands out in my mind is from when I was 9 or 10, in 5th grade. A family friend's son had moved in with us because his family had to move to some other town and he was waiting for a room to become available in his college's hostel. One day he called me to his room to show me something. I don't remember what it was but while I was looking at it, he placed me in his lap and started grinding himself into me. I ran away from there at the first opportunity I could find. All this happened while my mom was in the next room. I told her what happened and within a few days he was gone. This unspoken support gave me strength but I feel it would have helped me greatly if my mom had talked to me about it, explained how it was not my fault. So, even though my parents showed their support for me by their actions, I grew up believing that every such thing that happened to me happened only because I somehow brought it on myself.

These molesters can be anywhere. I remember how a close friend of my dad, would squeeze my breasts every time he came over (which was often). I was probably 9 at that time. He was bold enough to do it unobtrusively, right in the presence of my parents! I am sure he got that confidence from the fact that the Indian society does not believe in talking about these things openly. So he was confident that the shame and guilt will keep me quiet. It did. I was fortunate that this, and almost all other incidents, didn’t escalate into more serious sexual abuse. Maybe my parents noticed it and avoided situations that could result in a terrible situation but it would definitely have helped if they had also talked to me about it - would have saved me from years of angst and guilt.

These experiences taught me never to trust anyone and never to ask for help. To this day, even though I have overcome the shame, the fear and the frustration, I still cannot bring myself to trust anyone fully. And it still isn't easy for me to ask for help. Small price to pay for being scar-free, I think.

Thankfully, it hasn't made me a paranoid parent. Yes, I worry about my girls' safety, and I am not naive about the dangers lurking out there. But I refuse to let that fear make me restrict them to the point of suffocation. S goes on sleepovers and stays overnight at our friends' places. I am slowly encouraging her to step out on her own and find her footing. I'll be there if she needs help but I will NOT lead the way. I believe she will gain tremendous confidence from finding her own way with me and J by her side, like I did with my parents' help.

These experiences have taught me the importance of keeping an open communication channel with my daughters. I keep the conversation going about how to recognize the signs of sexual harassment, how one should trust their gut instinct in such matters and how it is NOT THE VICTIM'S FAULT. Not even if the victim were dressed in inappropriate clothing.

This last one originated from a comment my older daughter, S, made when I broached this subject right before she left for an overnight field trip. As I explained to her how she should trust her gut instincts and tackle such situations, and how it is NEVER the girl's fault if she is harassed or molested, she turned to me and said "unless she is wearing really inappropriate clothing, right?" I was gobsmacked!! I have NEVER expressed this opinion. I don't subscribe to it. I don't know where or whom she picked it from. But I am glad she mentioned it because then I got a chance to correct her.

I explained to her that even if a girl is dressed highly inappropriately, even if she is running around naked, it is NOT right for anyone to molest her. It would be just like taking, say, a purse from Macy's display just because no one is looking and the purse is very pretty and within easy reach. The law won't excuse you for that. Similarly how can it be okay for someone to harass a woman just because she is within easy reach or an easy target? That is the problem with this entire situation - we (as a society) tend to blame the woman for "inviting it upon herself" instead of blaming the man for not being able to control his animal urges. Isn't that what being an adult (and a civilized being) all about? Controlling urges that could harm others? Why not expect the men to control themselves? Why do we let men off so easily?

I hope S understood what I was trying to say. I hope these conversations help her in some way because I can only imagine how they could have helped me get over the guilt I felt almost my entire childhood. And I hope I can keep these communication channels open to help make my daughters strong enough to deal with such situations.

I know I cannot protect my daughters forever. But I can empower them to handle all kinds of situations. I can remind them, again and again, that they can come to me and their dad if they need help or support. And I will educate them on the matter so they go out in the big, bad world with their eyes and ears open.

We all need to talk about CSA more. Not talking about it openly sends a message to our kids that it is something shameful if you are a victim of it. We need to place the shame where it belongs – on the abuser. We need to create an environment in our homes that will encourage our kids to come talk to us instead of wallowing in shame or hurt. Almost always, abusers get away with their deeds just because the victims stay quiet out of shame or confusion. If we remove the barrier to the victims’ free speech, it will take away the cloak of security from the abuser. THAT is what will empower the children.