PSA

So, we had a rough weekend. Like, actually horrible! And I feel SO dumb and SO embarrassed to even be sharing this, but it needs to be said anyways. You'd think after all we went through with our car accident that I would be taking EVERY measure to keep my kids safe. Well, lesson learned I guess.

So on Sunday morning, Lennon was almost ready for a nap but I wanted her to stay awake a little longer. So I decided to start getting things ready for a salad I was making for a dinner we were going to that night. It was just after 9 in the morning and I put Lennon in her bumbo chair on our counter and started cutting veggies up. I was literally 6 inches away from her. I turned for 1, maybe 2 seconds and the next thing I hear is a huge THUD. I quickly whip around and see that Lennon somehow managed to fling herself off the counter still in her bumbo. She landed face down on our hard laminate flooring. I instantly grabbed her and she was screaming! I tried calming her down for 10-15 mins, tried giving her a bottle etc but she was not having it. This is VERY unlike her. Even though it was a huge fall, she's very easily calmed down. I decided to run her up to the hospital in Raymond.

The nurses were very nice and got me in right away. We were quite the site; Lennon screaming and me bawling. One nurse told me this had happened to her son too. Another told me "this isn't the first time this has happened and it won't be the last time either". This statement made me SO sad! It was definitely meant to make me feel better but I didn't want any other mom to have to feel like this! Holding my screaming baby, who literally very rarely even cries, knowing I was the cause of her pain! We've all heard stories of babies falling out of bumbo's and every time I've heard them I've thought "Who the heck is dumb enough to leave their baby unattended in a bumbo!?" I knew it was common sense to not leave them unattended. In fact, a few days ago she was in her bumbo on the counter and I had to leave the room so I moved her to the floor. But for some reason, it never occurred to me that babies could still fall out of their bumbo's even when you are RIGHT beside them!!

After just under 2 hours in the Raymond hospital and Lennon still not calming down they decided to have us go to Lethbridge to be checked out by a pediatrician. I had been holding her for 90% of the time we were in Raymond. I had asked if maybe she had a broken bone? Because it really just was not like her to keep crying. The nurse and Dr told me babies bones are still very pliable at this age so it was very unlikely. She said it looked like she was moving all her limbs but that I knew her better than she did so to let her know if I saw any changes. Well, I decided to lay her down and watch her. And my arms were numb by this point and I didn't want to drop her again. While she was laying I noticed she wouldn't move her right leg at all. She was still screaming and pulling her left leg up towards her tummy but she wouldn't move her right leg. She had it extended and stiff but wouldn't pull it up. After we got our paperwork I headed home and grabbed the rest of my family. We dropped the kids off at Scott's parents house and then Scott and I headed into Lethbridge.

The nurses there were great as well. Lennon had finally fallen asleep in the car and was calm for the first few minutes we were there. She hadn't eaten anything since 5am that morning (I was planning on feeding her before I laid her down for her nap at 9:30 like I usually do). Every time I tried feeding her though, it would just make her more upset. So after a few minutes of her screaming in the waiting room (Which was packed!) They moved us into a secluded room off of the waiting room. I got her to fall asleep but then there was a loud noise when a door closed and she jerked in her sleep and then started screaming again. She was very unsettled. She'd sleep off and on and keep waking up screaming. We were shortly moved into another room where the pediatrician came and checked her over. When we got her out of her jammies she actually started moving her right leg again. I kind of feel like her hip might have been out and that when I bent her leg up towards her tummy to get it out of her jammies it maybe popped it back in again or something. Because she really wouldn't move it for a few hours before that. They gave her some advil and it seemed to calm her down pretty quickly. She had also been given tylenol in Raymond but that hadn't really seemed to help at all.

We waited for quite awhile in that room waiting for her to get an x ray. They came in to take her at one point but she had fallen asleep so they decided to wait. She woke up shortly after though and was still screaming off and on. Finally she got her x rays and then we were taken upstairs to the pediatric unit where we were going to stay for 24 hours to monitor her for a brain bleed or any swelling. It was close to 3 ish when we were finally taken to our room. So she had been sad and screaming for quite awhile. Once they had given her the advil and taken us to the room she seemed a lot more settled though and only improved from there! The x ray's came back and there were no fractures. She still wasn't eating at all. She went 14 hours without eating. During the night though she started taking her bottles again. All her vitals looked good and she was continuing to be fairly content.

She had a pretty restless night and tossed and turned a lot. It was very loud all night with crying babies/toddlers and just the normal hospital noises. Pretty sure I had 2 hours total combined sleep. If it's any indication of how exhausted I was, I had been up with Lennon from about 2-4, she was like 60% asleep but every 15 or so minutes would wake up crying and needed her soother put back in. Finally at 4 I was able to rock her into a deep enough sleep that I could go lay down. She woke up again at 5 and I know I didn't fall asleep right away, but sometime in those like 45 mins I fell into a DEEP sleep because I am usually the lightest sleeper on the planet but a nurse had come in and raised the side of her crib higher and had probably checked Lennon's vitals as well and I had not heard a single thing!

We had 3 different and amazing nurses. Katie, Leona ( I think!? She had a student with her too), and Loretta. They were all so kind to me! Lennon's normal pediatrician was at the hospital the next morning and came and saw us around 11 and then we were ready to head home! Loretta was the nurse discharging me and in the discharge papers she was going over how to watch for change in consciousness, and other things to look for. There was another section about safe places to put babies and neglect and she was like "I'm just going to skip over this part, I can tell neglect was not a part of this accident and you were just a mom being a mom. This is just in here because there are certain situations where it would be neccessary". Papers had been nonchalantly placed by the sink when we had first been in the room as well, talking about how to avoid risks of falling etc. And no one had even pointed them out to me or gone over them with me. It was nice that it seemed no one really thought down on me or that I had maybe intentionally hurt my daughter. Because I had made myself feel pretty bad about it anyways. It's just such a horrible situation! If I had put her to bed first before starting to make the salad, it would have been a completely different day. OR if I had put her on the floor in her bumbo instead, again, it would have been a completely different day! I hated knowing she was in so much pain because of a lack of good judgement on my part.

So everybody and anybody who has a baby or knows someone with a baby, PLEASE tell them bumbo's are NOT safe on counters, EVEN if you are literally RIGHT there beside them!

Welcome to the world Lennon Kymber!

I’m a sucker for a good birth story! They’re probably one of my favourite things to read! And I love writing mine down so I can remember the little details I forget later!

Lennon was by far my worst pregnancy. I was beyond sick with her when I first got pregnant. I literally couldn’t leave the couch/bed. Roczen did everything, he was such a good helper! He took Ruthie pee, got them both snacks, got shows for them and brought me whatever I needed. I got a Dr’s note and took a few weeks off of work and finally figured out how to take my zofran so it would help me feel the least sick. I had tried diclectin first, which had helped with my other pregnancies but it was doing absolutely nothing this go around. I had to VERY consistently take my zofran right when I woke up, then 4 hours later, then again 4 hours later. This worked the best, since you’re only allowed to take 3 pills a day, so that I would be mostly fine for working and taking care of kids during the day. Evenings were still super rough because it had worn off by then but it was the best time to be sick because I could just lay there. About a week before I had Lennon I ran out of zofran and I refused to refill the prescription because it’s SO DANG EXPENSIVE! We paid $100/month which was actually really good considering without insurance it’s about $500/month!

The ribs in my back on my right side would not stay in place. Regular chiropractic care did nothing to help either. My muscles around the ribs were seizing causing my ribs to start to overlap. It was SO painful. Every minute of every day it hurt so bad. Sitting, laying, standing…there was no pain free position. But it’s funny that a few days after I had her and my big pregnant belly was gone, I was kind of sad I wasn’t pregnant anymore. I felt a little gypped with her pregnancy because my placenta was on the front of my stomach which made it very hard to feel her moving. The kids only felt her a couple times and she really had to be moving. I would literally go hours without feeling her. It seemed like I’d only feel her a couple times a day which was sad because feeling the baby move is one of my fav things about being pregnant. It also REALLY stressed me out in the beginning because you’re “suppose” to feel a certain amount of movements/hour and somedays I was lucky if I felt her twice.

When I was around 7 months pregnant my OBGYN detected an irregularity in her heartbeat. I went to the hospital and got an ultrasound and did a non stress test. The nurse there, heard the irregularity too and saw it show up on the monitor that prints out the stats. So then a week later we went up to Calgary for another more in depth ultrasound where everything looked good! At my last 2 appointments before I had Lennon her heart rate was high though. Apparently the irregularity that had been noticed before can completely resolve itself but then turn into tachycardia which is what had happened with Lennon. Her heart rate is still high so we are keeping an eye on that.

Anyways! On to November 11th, 2018 - Lennon Kymber Lowry’s birthday! I woke up around 5am and noticed some cramping. I tried going back to sleep and just laid in bed for about half an hour but they were already getting a bit stronger and I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fall asleep. I got out of bed and went to the living room. Roczen had apparently come upstairs and was on the couch so I sent him back downstairs. He was super excited when I told him I was up because the baby was going to be coming today! Pretty sure he didn’t go back to sleep because he came up two other times to get a snack and to see if it was morning yet. I was having contractions every 3 ish minutes and they were starting to get quite uncomfortable so I started to pack my bag. I went into my room probably around 6:15 ish and Scott asked if he should get up, I told him no I was just packing my bag and told him it’d prob be a few hours still. Trying to pack a bag when you’re in labor is not the easiest thing to do haha I’d get one thing in the bag and have to stop to have a contraction. About half an hour later things were getting really intense and I told him maybe he should go get the kids dressed for church so we could drop them off at my parents. At 7:06 (according to my phone) I called my mom and asked if we could bring the kids by but that I was going to labor at home for a little while still but the kids were getting a bit concerned about me because the contractions were really bad by this point and I was making uncomfortable sounds lol

After Scott got the kids ready he jokingly said “Do I have time for a shower!?” I could tell he was joking but I thought it might be ok so I told him he had 5 minutes. Well about 2 minutes later I was telling Roczen to go tell his dad to get out of the shower because we needed to leave NOW. By the time Scott himself ready and we got the kids ready and packed up and my bag and the baby’s bag all packed and dropped the kids off at my parents it was probably around 7:30/7:40. The roads were snowy so Scott was just driving the speed limit. Meanwhile I feel like I’m dying. Labouring in a car is so so awful! I did it with Ruthie too but wasn’t near as far along as I was with Lennon. By the time we got to the intersection by Henderson I was like bawling. My last two contractions I had felt a TON of pressure and legit thought she was going to like pop out haha It was a red light and there was no one around and I kept telling Scott to just GO! He says “There’s only 20 seconds left, I can see it on the pedestrian thing” I maaaaybe hated him just a tiny itsy bitsy little bit in that moment haha Or when I told him to GO again “I don’t want to get a ticket!” He admitted after the fact that he should have gone ;P

So we FINALLY pull up to the hospital and get a parking spot in the emergency parking. My body feels like it’s being sawed in half with a chainsaw and I’m in the middle of a massive contraction and can hardly get out of the car. Scott has my arm and is trying to like pull me along and I snapped at him and started bawling and was like “Stop pulling me!! I cant move!” So we’re standing there on the sidewalk with  me bawling while it’s snowing and Scott keeps asking me if I want a wheelchair and I literally cant think at the moment because of the pain and I could tell he was starting to feel a little frustrated/helpless. And honestly I wouldn’t want to be the spouse to a labouring woman, I would have no idea what to do. Finally the contraction stopped and so in that 30 seconds we tried to walk as fast as humanly possible to try and get inside the hospital. I walk in and by walk I mean like taking the tiniest shuffling steps which is taking me forever to even move like 5 feet across the room. The lady at the first desk looks at me for a minute then was like “Are you in labour?” Ummmm YUP! Incase you couldn’t tell by my massive belly, the fact that I cant even walk and am bawling and have tears like running down my face - yes. Yes I am in labour! So then she says “Next desk” I was not thrilled haha I was like you have GOT to be kidding me. So I shuffle to the next desk, meanwhile Scotts going back and forth between me and the wheelchairs because he’s still trying to get an answer out of me of if I want a wheelchair or not…and I still cant think enough to decide if I need one or not. The lady asks me some questions and in between contractions/sobbing I try and tell her.

At first I said I’d walk because the thought of sitting in a wheelchair seems excruciating. But then I have another contraction and realize I will never ever get to Labour and delivery by walking. It would’ve taken hours. (Only a slight exaggeration) So into the wheelchair I go and they direct us to the elevators. We get in and get up to the third floor and as we’re going down the hall my OBGYN starts walking down the hall towards us. She starts walking us into labour and delivery as I’m telling them that I need to get OUT of the wheel chair. She was like “No, you just stay in there, we’re almost there” She tells me she’s so sorry but she’s just leaving and that Dr. Topping will take care of me. Some people have asked me why she didn’t just stay and deliver my baby. Well she would have had to get all scrubbed in again and I hadn’t been checked at that point so who knows, I could’ve been in labour for another several hours! Once we were in the room Scott told them he was going to go move the car quick so we didn’t get a ticket since we were parked in emergency. The nurse was like you’re not going anywhere! This is an emergency! You come talk to me if they give you a ticket. (Which we did! Scott appealed it though and we didn’t have to pay it) I was telling them I really needed an epidural. They told me they’d get me checked out and see where I was at. So they had me get in a gown and lay on the bed and I was already at a 7. She said she’d call the anesthesiologist but because it was a weekend if he was in a surgery we’d have to wait for him to finish that, but that I could have fentanyl to take the edge off things. I said yes please!! Well good news, the anesthesiologist could come! But literally like two contractions later I was pushing. The nurse was a couple feet away and was like “You sound like you’re pushing, do you feel like you need to!?” I was kind of iffy about it and told her maybe not. 30 seconds later another contraction came and yup, I was pushing! She called dr. Topping in quick who checked me and I was fully dilated. She broke my water because that’s what was causing all the pressure. So lucky me I had no time for the epidural OR the fentanyl. Contractions when you’re fully dilated are about a billion times worse than any other contractions. Honestly, not a great experience overall. I think if I had been mentally prepared for an unmedicated birth then it might have been a little less of a  traumatic experience. I legit had nightmares about the birth a couple days after I had her. When I started pushing her heart rate dropped really low into the 80’s so they called the NICU nurses in to be there when she was born. Dr. Topping told me we were going to use the vacuum to get her out a little quicker. First she had to put a catheter in and then removed it and then it was time for the vacuum. I was having a contraction as she was trying to get it in and I wasn’t allowed to push and I was trying really hard not to but I couldn’t help it. Seeing what was going in me was mildly alarming haha Even fully dilated and all it was NOT fun getting that put in. Once it was in I pushed once and her head was out so we were done with the vacuum haha Another contraction later and she was out and put on my tummy. We were admitted to the hospital at 8:09 and had a baby girl in my arms at 8:34! That 25 minutes though, felt like 2 hours at least.

Because she was born so fast they had to give me oxytocin to make me keep contracting…so that was awesome. I only got to hold her for less than a minute and then she was taken to her little cot thing where they were giving her oxygen. She didn’t cry when she came out or at any point when they were helping her which kept concerning me. I kept asking if she was okay and they kept side stepping the answer and telling me things like “The nurses are just working on her for “such and such” reason or “They’re just giving her oxygen to help her out since she was born so fast”  They stayed there for 15 minutes then the NICU nurse came over and told me they just needed to keep an eye on her for awhile because she wasn’t really getting her oxygen levels up even after 15 minutes. So she got taken to NICU and Scott went with her while I was getting stitched up…which took longer than the actual birth.

The nurse got me in the shower and was super helpful. I really liked her, her name was Tina. She told me I did such a great job and that I was having back to back contractions for like 1.5-2 mins straight with then only having like a 30 second break in between. Once I was all cleaned up, she took me to my room where I had no phone because I had left it in the car. I was there by myself for like 3 hours, which wasn’t too bad because I got to just lay and rest for a bit but I really wanted my baby!! I didn’t know how much she weighed, how long she was or anything because they didn’t have time to do that since she was put on oxygen immediately after.

The nurse was going to take me to go see her finally but Scott came back right at that moment so he took me to the NICU where I just sat and held her for a couple hours. When it was time for her next feed they said I could try breastfeeding and she literally got it the first time she tried! She’s such a champ at breastfeeding :D After she was checked over by a paediatrician we were both taken back to my room where she had lots of visitors.

A few days after I had her, Scott’s grandma Dorene came to visit me at home and was like “Wasnt it so nice having her so quickly and getting it over with.” I told her Honestly, no. haha I much preferred Ruthie’s delivery. Hers wasn’t super long but I was in the hospital having contractions for at least 3-4 hours before I had her. I had an epidural but I was still able to feel all the contractions but it was a lot more bearable! I only had to push for about 15-20 mins with her and after she was born I got to hold her the whole time I was being stitched and she came to my room with me.

No matter how she got here, we are thrilled she finally is here. She has been such a good baby so far and we all love her to pieces!!

Raising Ruthie

Where do I even start? There is literally so much I could say and have WANTED to say for so long! I will preface this by saying I love Ruthie SO incredibly much! But raising her has been undoubtedly the hardest thing I’ve done in my life yet.

I love reading articles like this. For one, they always articulate things in such a nice way with words I want to say but never know how. And secondly they make me feel much better about my parenting of Ruthie and Ruthie’s actual behaviour. It’s so relieving to know that it’s NORMAL. And maybe someone from the outside looking in, thinks she is a super naughty, awful child…but they don’t have the whole story. It makes me sad that she gets judged so quickly sometimes.

Very early on I knew Ruthie was different. I like how the article states that usually a sensitive child has a sensitive parent (or 2). To some degree, I’m a sensitive person as well. I liked having tags cut of my clothes when I was little, I wore my socks inside out so I didn’t feel the seam on my toes etc. I'm fairly emotional and cry easily. But I definitely wasn’t as extreme as Ruthie. (According to my mom anyways :D) This has been huge in helping me understand Ruthie and how she works. 

Having known what I do now ,might have changed some of the decisions I made for her earlier on though. When Ruthie was first born she was actually such a perfect baby!! For 3 months she was so content, would lay anywhere and just put herself to sleep. I often had to remind myself to hold her because I was so busy with Roczen, cleaning, cooking etc and she just didn’t make a fuss. But at 3 months old it all changed. I took her in to get her immunizations and literally the second she got them she started screaming in a way I’ve never seen a baby scream before…and she didn’t stop. I couldn’t calm her down at all. And I just want to say, I DO believe in vaccinations and Ruthie is now fully vaccinated (way behind schedule). BUT I think the combination of the feeling of the needles, the actual vaccine going into her body and the taste of the oral one they gave her (rotovirus) was WAY too much for her obviously very sensitive little body. Am I saying her vaccines caused her to be the way she is? Not necessarily, but I really do think it triggered it. I feel I had a bit of PTSD from this incident haha  Every other immunization she needed, I’d make an appt then the day before, cancel it. Then wait several weeks to work up the courage to book it again…then cancel it the day before again. haha But can you blame me? ;) Literally the second she got them until now has been quite a battle. For about 8 weeks after the immunizations she would go from laying happily on the floor smiling at me to instantly doing that silent scream where babies cant catch their breath for a few seconds and then they just start loudly screaming after. When she had these episodes it would be 30-45 mins of her screaming hysterically while I tried everything to calm her down. Eventually I learned I just had to hold her and wait it out. Nothing could ease her pain. I even took her to the dr. a couple times because it was actually really scary! I could tell she was in pain and it was pain that came on instantly.

She outgrew those episodes eventually. But at that time (3 months) she started screaming hysterically if anyone but me was holding her. Even if I was sitting right next to her and someone else was holding her. She wouldn’t even go to Scott, her dad, until she was like 13-14 ish months old!! It was bad you guys! It was so so beyond exhausting. I couldn’t do anything without her. I couldn’t give her to my husband when I needed a 3 minute break from dealing with all the emotions and hardships that come from motherhood. It was so difficult, exhausting, terribly hard, ridiculously stressful and very lonely. Also super sad! I really struggled, because I knew none of her grandparents, cousins, aunts etc were bonding with her, because they simply couldn’t hold her because she would go hysterical. It was tough seeing other grandkids playing with grandparents or cousins because I knew that was a flat out NO for Ruthie. And I feel like it was hard for them too. Here was a tiny, adorable 3 month old baby - their granddaughter/niece - but it was like they weren’t even allowed to touch her even though they would’ve really liked to!

I have anxiety in the first place but add onto that a baby who literally screams like she’s dying when anyone but you has her, and at the drop of a hat at any given time during the day too was just too much. I became very anxious and very depressed. My depression manifested itself in the form of anger…mostly at Roczen. :( (Which is a whole other story when I get brave enough to share it ha) I felt beyond TERRIBLE!! Here I was trying to deal with a baby, that honestly Scott and I sometimes used the word “Possessed” to describe, which really seemed accurate if you saw her in her bad episodes. Anyways I was trying to deal with Ruthie and a toddler who still needed me but who I suddenly felt was just another extra burden and it was terrible. I felt SO guilty all the time. 

The thought of going back to work after my mat leave and taking her to a day home was literally making me sick. I was beyond worried and stressed about it. I could hardly leave her with my mom for a few hours without her breaking down, how was I suppose to leave her with someone she hardly knew!? Luckily, it’s my second cousin’s day home they go to. I was able to take Ruthie on several play dates there. First with me, and then eventually without me there. I’d leave for 1-2 hours then come back. For months and months I prayed every single night that she’d learn to make friends and realize there are so many fun opportunities with meeting new people and going new places. And by some miracle there's been maybe a few times where she cries when I leave her but she did SO good!! And she absolutely loves it there now! My cousin has a little girl Ruthies same age and they have the best time together!

Family gatherings were spent with me holding Ruthie, taking her to random rooms where no one was, taking her outside away from people and always ended in us leaving way earlier than usual. I came to DREAD family gatherings. They were miserable. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I was dealing with Ruthie the whole time. Could hardly eat because she’d be so upset. I felt judged, even though it was just our families. I felt less of a mom. Because my baby was horrible and I couldn’t control her and others babies were just fine. And I know none of it is intentional but seeing other “good” babies and hearing comments about said “good” babies like “Oh he’s the best boy ever!” etc….never to hear anything of that extent about my baby. It takes a toll on you, even though realistically I knew - why on earth WOULD they say something like that about my baby? She really was really miserable and impossible to deal with when we were around our families. But I got to see the REAL Ruthie when we were at home. And she was sweet and funny and happy and a smiley, delightful baby. Albeit, still quite a bit harder to raise than her brother was but when compared to how she acted out of the house, dealing with her at home was much easier. She had a meltdown at my niece and nephews bday party in Taber when she was about 18 months. She saw a kinder egg on a present and wanted it. Most kids you can distract with a cupcake or a toy or  quickly tickle them, throw them up in the air or do whatever you have to do to distract them and cheer them up quickly. Ruthie does.NOT.forget things she wants. She gets transfixed on them. And no amount of me trying to give her a cupcake, some juice, taking her to look out the window was stopping her screaming. She wanted that kinder egg and nothing else. Poor Roczen always gets gypped because he always has to leave early even though he’s having fun with his cousins. Since they hadn’t even opened presents or done cake yet, we arranged for him to stay with my parents while Scott and I took Ruthie home this time.

Ruthie and I have always had such a strong connection. This is going to sound ridiculous to probably all of you, but I knew right away when I was pregnant. And I knew it was going to be a girl and I knew her name was going to be Ruthie. We literally never talked about baby names during her entire pregnancy because the only name I had was Ruthie. I just feel like from even the time when she was in my belly I KNEW her and understood her. Looking back, I should have known from her pregnancy how her life would be haha Her pregnancy was pretty stressful. At her 20 week ultrasound I was told she had Choroid Plexus cysts on her brain. My OB told me NOT to google them but of course I had too. Which, really, I shouldn’t have. There were literally no in-betweens. It was either- they go away and you have a completely normal, healthy child or they don’t go away and you either have a still born or your baby passes away very shortly after birth. I had to wait 6 more weeks to give the cysts time to go away before I could get another ultrasound to check on them. Thankfully they had all gone away which was a huge relief! Later on in my pregnancy I started bleeding and had to have another ultrasound, everything turned out to be okay that time too. But I just felt so on edge my whole pregnancy.

I was very sensitive to the limits I knew Ruthie had. Once again, with no intention of being rude or anything, comments of “just make her do this, just leave her for that”, etc etc (not just from one person, but multiple family members, friends etc) made me feel so conflicted. There is a fine line between pushing her enough, because certain things are necessary to protecting her and keeping her close at other times. And really, I don’t want to make anyone feel bad at all when I mention that certain things were said. I fully 100% realize they didn’t know the whole story and didn’t understand Ruthie the way I did. Things that might be fine to say to any other parent were just hard for me to hear because Ruthie was different. I got things all the way from “You’re so lucky she loves you so much (which really is such a sweet thing to say! And while I do love our connection we have, it is also utterly exhausting as well)…all the way to she’s a spoiled brat and no one is going to like her” Anyways, back to limits - If I left her to cry in her bed like I sometimes did with Roczen (just when he was trying to calm down), attempted a time out etc it would have just made things so much worse, not better. I never even attempted those methods because I just knew it would not go over well. She reacts very differently to any type of discipline. She is very sensitive to tone and I have to make sure to be very patient with her.

We had 1:00 and 1:30  church for 2 years in a row! This time frame didn’t really work with Ruthie. She had a nap right around 12:30 at the time. For months I’d take her to church and walk halls with her while she sobbed and screamed and flailed in my arms. For all 3 hours. I’d go into the bathroom to try and find a spot where she wasn’t so loud and disturbing every class we walked by. Week after week with passerby’s giving me encouraging smiles, or once again giving “helpful” comments. I just couldn’t do it anymore. There I was, bawling right along with her as we walked and walked and walked. I decided it just wasn’t worth it. I knew my child. I knew she DOES NOT function without sleep. She was not like her brother who could easily skip one of his naps. Scott and I started taking turns staying home with her every other sunday during Sacrament meeting while the other one would go to church with Roczen. Then we’d bring her for the last 2 hours. It was a drastic change. There was no more walking the halls with a screaming child for 3 hours (or at least minimal walking now, if she needed a second haha) The last 2 hours of church is Nursery for her, which is just playing with other kids her age with toys, learning a small lesson and having a snack. She would now happily go play in there…as long as I was still there with her. It took seeeeveral months before I could leave her by herself. And then it took several weeks to re train her how to go by herself after our church changed times to 9:00 this year. But now we all 4 can go to all 3 hours of church together as a family. 

When she was 2 we were at Echo Lake and we had gone to church. If you’ve been to church in Big Fork during the summer then you know it is packed!! We’re talking the whole chapel, the gym, every overflow, all YW/RS/primary rooms full of chairs, people lined up the whole way around the halls on chairs, people in foyers etc. As to be expected, Ruthie was having a hard time. I took her outside where her screaming wouldn’t disturb everyone. The screaming did not stop. After quite awhile Scott came and found me outside. Ruthie was flailing around on the grass. She’d sit up just to throw herself backwards and hit her head on the grass…over and over again. There was always so much pressure on me to “change” her or “fix” her. But I had accepted early on though, that this was just how she was. And that she wasn’t merely having a tantrum and doing this for attention. She was actually really really struggling! I could see it in her eyes…which also probably sounds ridiculous to you all as well haha But I could literally see her pleading with me to help her when she was having a horrible meltdown and she would look at me. I knew even SHE didn’t want to be going through what she was. The only problem is that even though I know she was wanting help, she despises being touched when she’s in one of these episodes. The more I try to hold/comfort/talk her down etc the louder she screams and the longer the meltdown goes on for. Thats another thing that was super hard for me. Here my child was flailing herself around screaming and I’m sitting next to her "appearing" to do nothing…the looks I would get were really hard to deal with. Theres enough guilt and frustration I put on myself at times like these and others reactions just put me over the edge. I almost always ended up silently crying right beside her. Through raising Ruthie though I have come to be WAY more accepting of every parent and the way they parent their children. We have no idea the things that mom and child go through. Some things that work for one child will definitely not work for another child. Anyways, we eventually rounded Roczen up and loaded a still screaming and flailing Ruthie into the car. I put her down for her nap when we got home then cried and cried and cried haha This was somewhat of a breaking point for me. It had been going on for so long and I just knew there was something that had to be wrong with her. And I don’t mean wrong, in the sense that she was less than. But just that there had to be something she was struggling with. I went on google and searched and searched. I read several things about sensory processing disorder and sensitivities. There were so many things in those articles that explained her behaviour perfectly! It was almost relieving to me to read those things. 

After our accident when I started taking her to physio the therapist could hardly work with her at all. I first took her to the same one Scott and I were going to, but it was not a great experience. They are very well trained and qualified but certainly are not use to working with children. By some miracle, when I went to take Roczen to his speech assessment for preschool at the school, one of the teachers there suggested I go and see this other lady. And holy it was a complete 180! She only works with children and was super good at engaging Ruthie and trying to form a relationship with her. It still took several appointments before Ruthie finally let her do anything with her but it makes such a difference when the therapist is trained to deal with children! And even her therapist has commented the last few appointments and Ruthie just seems SO different. She's very willing to work with her therapist now and will actually communicate with her.

Ruthie makes you work for your relationship with her. Which is hard for some people. You cant simply meet her and try talking to her/playing with her, expecting her to react to you. It takes multiple encounters and THEN some before she’ll warm up to you. Like literally, years. haha But in the end she is so worth it! She really has the goofiest little personality!

To end this all off I will say that Ruthie has been SOO much better lately! I’ve been able to leave her with my sister, my SIL, MIL all who were people she would previously scream with if I had left her with them. She now will happily go play at their houses! She still has daily struggles and screams…a lot. But now it’s mostly because 1. her brother is bugging her and she doesn’t like it or 2. He’s trying to play with her or hug her but she just doesn’t want anyone near her or to touch her. She is a BIG fan of personal space. And she does not like when anyone comes in her bubble. I’m actually so SO proud of how far she’s come! It’s been a long process and a lot of patience and work but it’s finally paying off. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel finally! :D  It has not been easy at all but I guess it’s like they say…The best things in life aren’t easy. And my relationship with Ruthie is one of the best things!

Part 3 - Coming Home

March 15th - Present.

On the morning of the 15th at 7:00 am the EMT’s came and got us from our hotel room and took us to the ambulances they had waiting there for us. There had been some mix ups with the insurance and they had been told there would be two kids needing ambulance rides home…when really, my parents had already taken Ruthie home and it was Scott, Roczen and I who needed rides home. I went in one ambulance and Scott and Roczen rode in the other. There was only two stretchers though so Scott had to ride on the bench where the EMT usually sits.

I mostly just slept for the ride home which is surprising because the ambulance was SO loud the EMT kept apologizing for it, he told me it was one of the super old ones and the ride was very bumpy and like I mentioned, loud! It sounded like a bunch of metal things banging around the whole time. We literally had to almost yell to hear each other. We had to stop in Browning to sign some papers saying the police officers/investigators could search our car to try to figure out the logistics of the crash. I.E how fast we were going, did Scott apply the breaks at the time of the accident etc. I don’t remember any of the conversation I had with the policeman except for a couple sentences. I don’t know how we got to this point in the conversation but he said something about “The state of the driver” I was confused. We hadn’t heard anything really about the other driver (he only had a broken jaw by the way) and we just assumed it was road conditions that made him hit us. So, bewildered, I asked him, “The state of the driver? Was he drunk?” and the police officer just kind of sadly nodded his head and told me that yes, the driver was quite drunk when he had hit us. Three times the legal limit, actually. That moment just changed everything for me and I instantly just started bawling. I was still very traumatized by the accident but I was becoming a little more “ok” with it when I had just thought it was bad roads. But knowing he was drunk and this all could have been avoided AND that he hurt my babies was just too much!

Anyways, we were able to cross the boarder with no problems at all, we had called beforehand and let them know of our situation; that at the time, we had lost all of our passports and birth certificates as they were in a compartment in our dashboard during the accident. (They were later found, amazingly!). We were taken to the Raymond hospital where we all spent the night. Ruthie was at home with my parents still. Roczen had a VERY rough night, he had had several rough nights actually. He could only sleep for 20 mins at a time then he would wake up screaming with horrific night terrors of a car coming to get him. Scotts dad, Rick, would calm him down eventually and he would sleep 20 more minutes just to wake up again and repeat the same thing over again. There’s nothing more terrible than once again being 15 feet away from your child, hearing him scream, but not being physically able to get up and go to him and comfort him. All night I’d just try to talk to him and tell him I was there and that we were safe now - all from my bed, it was very heartbreaking.

On the 16th, Roczen and I got to go home around noon. That night was tough for me. I was SO excited to get home and see Ruthie knowing full well she would think I had abandoned her. Anyone who knows Ruthie, knows she’s a MAJOR mama’s girl! She wouldn’t even go to Scott until she was 8 months old and she still wasn’t even really going to any of her grandparents or cousins etc before the accident had happened. We’re talking-she screams hysterically if anyone touches her other than me…and doesn’t calm down. It still just makes me sick when I think about a total stranger taking her out of her carseat and then her being taken and dealt with by so many different nurses etc who she had NO idea who they were. I’m truly grateful for those strangers! Really, I am! But it’s just so hard because I KNOW how terrifying it would have been for Ruthie to be with people other than me.

Anyways, that afternoon when I got home I came and sat by her and she wouldn’t have anything to do with me. She wouldn’t even look at me. She did, however, warm up pretty quickly! But then that night it just hit me like a ton of bricks…I STILL couldn’t even really be a mom to her. I could hardly walk with my crutches I was in so much pain and I certainly couldn’t lift her at all. I wasn’t able to help with her bath or anything. When it was time for her to go to bed I slowly walked to her room and my mom carried her in. Once I was sitting in the rocking chair my mom handed her to me and I fed her her bottle and sang to her. Once she was done though I had to call my mom to come and put her in her crib. I literally couldn’t even stand up and walk the 3 feet to put my own baby down in her crib. For some reason it just set me off and once again I was crying/trying not to cry. My dear friend Jenn was there this evening as well. She saw me coming down the hallway and saw my face and instantly was like “Oh, hun!” and came to me and held me while I cried. Those first two weeks were spent with me literally crying multiple times a day and when I wasn’t crying I was trying really hard NOT to cry. Even if nothing was going on, even if I was simply just sitting in a chair watching shows with my kids I just felt like crying. My throat was so tight and my eyes constantly felt like there were tears right there ready to spill over at any moment.

Scott was suppose to get surgery in Lethbridge on his kneecap on the 16th and hadn’t been able to eat or drink since midnight the night before. I felt so bad for him! His surgery kept getting bumped and by 10:00 that night they still hadn’t done his surgery so they let him eat finally. And then he was fasting all over again, but once again his surgery got bumped and bumped but finally at 5:00 ish that night (the 17th) he was able to get it done. It took several hours. That night was also St. Patricks day so Scott’s brother and his family had come over to watch a movie with Roczen and have a little party to try and cheer him up. He had seemed almost depressed since the accident. He was very emotional, wouldn’t eat anything, cried for his dad several times a day and just was never smiling. He could also not move at all. His whip lash was so bad that even if we scooted him up one inch on his pillow he’d scream hysterically. Lindsey also came over with Chase that night. I was beyond exhausted and not feeling well so just after 8:00 I went to bed. Roczen had had a late nap from like 4:00-5:00 so he was still awake when I went to sleep. (Which I feel SO guilty for now) My mom had mentioned a couple times that day that Roczen’s eye seemed very cross eyed, but since I was sitting in a chair next to him whenever I had him turn his head to look at me it just looked normal. I should have really gotten out of the chair so I could see his eyes head on. But getting out of the chair seemed like such a daunting task in the condition I was in. Well, Lindsey had noticed right away that his eyes were turned in and when she got home she texted her dad (Rick) who texted my dad. So while I was asleep they took Roczen up to Raymond emerg. The dr. there called the neurosurgeon in Calgary who told them to send him up immediately. I was woken up around 9:30 ish I think, by my mom who told me what had gone on and that Roczen was in an ambulance now on his way to Calgary. It was like a punch in the stomach, I really felt like I was going to throw up. I didn’t even get to say goodbye to him! We had known he had that hematoma but it had been a week since the accident and he had seemed fine so now my anxiety was through the roof! My child was being taken to Calgary and I hadn’t heard from my husband for several hours while he was in surgery…I was just a complete mess. I was sure Roczen had something very wrong with his brain and that he was going to die (It’s really easy to jump to worse case scenarios I guess when you’ve been through something so traumatic!) And I was sure something was going wrong in Scott’s surgery as well for it to be taking so long. 

And then picturing my poor, brave 4 year old having to go through this without his mom especially after a traumatic accident AND while he was still having night terrors and just emotionally was not doing well was SO hard. I had to try sooo hard not to cry on the phone when I facetimed him the next day. He was so sad and trying not to cry himself and in a shaky sad voice said he really wanted to come home. My heart was literally ripping out of my chest. Seeing him so sad and so far away was too much. I wanted so badly to reach through the screen and pick him up and hold him. One fun thing about this was that Roczen and his Grandpa Rick grew such a close bond during this. Rick was by Roczen’s side every single night from the night of the accident until the night he came home from Calgary! He took work off and stayed by my little boy’s side for pretty much 2 weeks!

Anyways, I had my dad give me a blessing that night of the 17th because I just couldn’t even cope at this point. That night was so beyond brutal. My stomach was in such a tight knot and I felt absolutely sick. I couldn’t sleep at all. I texted Rick around 1:00am and he let me know they were just getting checked in and then again around 3:00am where he told me Roczen was doing okay and he just needed to stay a few days for observation to keep an eye on his hematoma.

I think the roller coaster-ness (I’m making that a word! ha) of it all was just SO hard to deal with. The initial accident was horrific, but then I was learning to deal with it, but then I found out the driver who hit us was drunk and lost it again, but then we were going home and we were all fine, but then my baby was being taken by ambulance to Calgary! It was just so up then down then up and down again.

This is pretty much the end of the story…for now. Roczen eventually came home from Calgary, Scott came home from Lethbridge and we were all together again. There are still a lot of inconveniences and pains. Glass has been coming out of our scars, one of my “dissolvable” internal stitches didn’t dissolve and poked its way through my skin and I pulled it out with tweezers, I get shooting pains in my scars and they also feel like they’re burning every time I’m outside and the wind is blowing, there will be physio for all of us, Ruthie will need to learn to walk again, I still have no feeling on the right side of my face and an area on my left knee - this is particularly awful when my face itches and I’ll go to itch it but since I can’t feel myself scratching it continues to ITCH like crazy! They give me an 85% chance of regaining feeling in my face. Scott will need another surgery in about 2 months to remove all the wire they wrapped around the shattered pieces in his knee cap and the pins and screws. He was given a 100% chance of getting arthritis and needing a knee replacement. At some point, Roczen may need surgery on the nerve the hematoma is pressing on if there ends up being permanent damage, although we’ve seen slight improvements with his eye so we’re hoping it’ll continue to correct itself on its own. Our journey through this trial is far from over.

We were SO blessed by sooo many people willing to help us out and bring us meals and help us clean! And of course our families who have taken us to all our many many appointments and my mom even put her life on hold and lived with us for the first 3 weeks and took care of us all! And so many people praying for us! We love you all!

Part 2- The Hospital Stay

March 11th-14th, 2017

These days all run together for me. I was in a TON of pain and when you’re just laying in a bed all day it’s hard to differentiate the days. A couple thoughts that I had a lot were:

1. The thought of my kids screaming and calling for me while I was unconscious was mentally just too unbearable. Having them thinking I was ignoring them when they had just been through something so traumatic and needed me the most is kind of devastating. To ease my mind a little bit I picture my Granny Steed who just passed away a couple months ago in the backseat with them, comforting them while I was unconscious and unable to do so myself. My Granny LOVED kids and babies! She was somewhat of a baby whisperer and could calm even the most unconsolable baby. Every time I went to visit her, even when her dementia was so bad she didn’t even know who we were, she would always want to hold and hug my kids. One time she said “I just love little children! They are so precious and sweet!” I can’t tell you for sure that she was there, but every time I picture her back there with them it brings me a little peace and it just feels right.

2. I’ve always been very curious and maybe even a little bit skeptical when I’ve heard the phrase “They didn’t feel any pain, they died on impact” I’ve always wondered about this and thought that surely they still would have had to have felt even a split second of pain. But truly, IF you die on impact you really wouldn’t feel a thing! I’m not saying I died, obviously I’m still very much alive. But I was instantly knocked unconscious and had I not regained consciousness I really wouldn’t have felt any pain at all, not even a split second. Although I’ve always been SO curious about this I really never expected to or even wanted to “kind of” experience it. But now, it’s actually kind of nice to know so I won’t have to wonder about it anymore.

In the Kalispell hospital I absolutely LOVED my night nurse, Melissa! She was phenomenal, so sweet and caring. My day nurse on the other hand…not so much! Kathleen thought because I was so small I didn’t need the full dosage of pain meds. I was also super nauseous quite often and had zero appetite the whole time I was there. If I was able to eat 2 soda crackers in the course of a day it was a big success! I lost 10 pounds in that week…but unfortunately have gained 5 of them back :( haha Kathleen thought the pain meds were probably what was making me nauseous and so she didn’t want me to have them as often so I would hopefully start eating and feeling better. I get that she was trying to help me feel better but it was so awful!!!  And then, because I was always asking for pain meds she went and talked to Scott and pretty much told him I was going to be a drug addict and that he should hold onto my medications for me because I couldn’t be trusted. BUT guess what! At night, when Melissa was my nurse and giving me the actual dosage I was suppose to have I only needed them at the regular times and hardly asked for them at all! In fact Melissa told me several times not to wait so long to ask for the pain medications because she wanted to stay on top of the pain and said I was going over the usual times of when I was supposed to have them. I literally counted down the hours until 7:00pm when I knew Kathleen would leave and Melissa would come back! 

One more thing that made me not like Kathleen was something I overheard her say at some point to another nurse. One of the nights I was having a REALLY hard time emotionally. All I could picture was Ruthie in a forward facing car seat because I had ALMOST switched her forward facing for this trip. And then when we hit the truck I would just see her little head flinging forward snapping her neck. Obviously this isn’t what happened since she was still rear facing but I just kept picturing it over and over and I had immense amounts of guilt of “what if’s” and it was just plain awful. I was sobbing and Melissa came in and stayed with me for awhile and talked me through it even though she probably had a lot more work to do with all her other patients. She offered to have the Hospital Pastor come talk to me. I didn’t know what to say so I just kind of mumbled a maybe. Well sure enough the Pastor came the next day. He was super sweet! He asked if I was a woman of faith and I told him yes, I was LDS. He told me he had only ever heard about how good the mormons were for caring for each other and was very happy for me to have that support. We chatted for awhile until a nurse’s aid came in to check my vitals. He asked if could pray with me and he said a very nice prayer then asked if he could visit my husband. I told him sure! Haha I had no idea what Scott would think about talking to a pastor but Scott also told me later what a nice man he was. When Melissa left my room that night after my breakdown though, I heard her talking to another nurse and this nurse said something like “Kathleen was telling me that “she” (talking about me) was just a blank canvas and had no emotion or expressions at all, I guess we’re seeing that start to change now.” For one thing, my face LITERALLY felt like it was cracking in half. Talking, smiling, opening my eye, ANY movement at all was excruciating- so, sorry Kathleen for not showing more expressions, it was just physically TOO painful! And secondly, I didn’t feel comfortable around her at all so of course I wasn’t going to be myself. I felt very comfortable with Melissa and obviously she saw all my emotions. 

I only saw the kids twice while we were there. Not because we weren’t allowed to but just because it was a huge ordeal and made me feel really sick and tired every time I had to sit up for any amount of time. Sitting up made my heart start pounding like crazy and I’d get lightheaded and feel really nauseous. I only had one eye too, since the other one was swollen shut and I wasn’t wearing my glasses since my face was too swollen. Which was super annoying because I’m VERY blind so I really couldn’t see anything at all. I have no idea really what anyone’s faces even looked like. So by the time they got me in the wheelchair, to the elevator, and downstairs to see the kids I was already feeling very sick. With how my eyes were, the movement of the wheelchair just made me very nauseous. Then I would go visit Roczen for a few minutes and after that I’d go into Ruthie’s room and hold her for as long as I could handle, which was never long. After that we’d have the wheelchair ride all the way back to the room and the process of getting me back in the bed again. It was just quite the ordeal. My parents mostly stayed with Ruthie and Scott’s parents mostly stayed with Roczen. We are SO lucky to have both our families close by and willing to help out with whatever!

Roczen, Ruthie and I all got casts put on one of the days as well. They asked Roczen what colour he wanted and he says “Pink. But not just normal pink, bright pink!!” haha The orthopaedic surgeon came up and asked me if that was alright. I told him sure! So I got bright pink to match him. Roczen told me the other day (about a month after the accident) that my face was really scary in the hospital and I looked kind of like a zombie! haha What a funny boy! 

We had a couple of wonderful people we had known from Raymond and Welling who are currently living in Whitefish and area come and bring us and the kids things in the hospital! We had others visit, send flowers, and many many people messaging us and wishing us well! We truly appreciated every single one of those people for helping us get through a really hard time!

Not too much was happening during these days in the hospital. Just a whole lot of laying in bed. We had a physical therapist come in and get us set up with some special crutches that we could rest our right forearms on that had a handle to grab at the end of the platform. Scott and I both had left leg and right arm injuries so normal crutches wouldn’t have worked. She took us for very short walks and practiced stairs with us. The first time we tried to do stairs she had me use my crutches and try to walk to the room where they had built a couple wooden stairs to practice on. It really wasn’t far away at all but I only made it half way there. I saw an office looking chair in the hallway and asked if I could sit on it, I was feeling quite dizzy and like I was about to pass out. A nurse down the hall a ways had heard me and said she’d quickly bring me a comfier one from a room that wasn’t on wheels. So there I sat in the middle of the hallway trying not to pass out. The physical therapist decided now was probably not a good time to practice stairs and took me back to my room. When we tried again the next day she pushed me to the room in a wheelchair and once again even just walking up and down those three stairs I felt like I was about to pass out. I was so weak, it’s such a horrible feeling. Luckily childbirth had kind of prepared me for this hospital stay haha Most of the time I just used a bed pan because it was too painful getting out of the bed and I was just SO weak and needed a lot of help! By the time I felt somewhat well enough for a shower I still required a lot of help. I just sat on the chair while the nurse showered me. Taking the air boot of my leg was the worst. As soon as it came off it just felt like my ankle was going to fall apart, it’s such a weird feeling and very painful.

I guess there was quite a bit of drama with insurance and some certain hospital staff but they were dealing mostly with Scott so I was unaware of it all until after when Scott told me. They discharged the kids a day earlier than Scott and I. Both our parents took the kids to the Holiday inn Hotel and spent the night there. Since we were still struggling to get insurance and ambulance rides worked out my parents just took Ruthie home in their car that next day. Rick and Barb spent another night in the hotel with Roczen. On the 14th Scott and I were kicked out of the hospital…quite literally haha We weren’t given time to get clothes on or anything. Nurses just came into our rooms and put all our stuff in bags and then we were off. The Holiday Inn shuttle came and picked us up at the hospital and took us back to the hotel where we spent the night. The hotel was SO good to us and even brought us up a big gift basket full of treats and toys for the kids.

Part 1- The Accident

March 10, 2017

We were heading down to kalispell for arena cross. We woke up and started to finish packing. We were taking our time a little bit because we were waiting for the Merc to open. We left our house around 9:20, stopped by the Merc then just had to quickly stop by Scott’s parents house to get his swimming suit he leaves there to hot tub with. We decided to go the Del Bonita way and as our luck would have it we were randomly selected at the border to get our car searched! So we unbuckled both kids and headed inside. We were there for about 10-15 mins and Ruthie ran around and around in circles through the small waiting room the whole time. It hurts a little bit remembering that. I so miss seeing her tiny little legs running and dancing around. She’s such an active and busy girl, I can imagine it’s a bit like torture for her having to sit on the couch day after day after day!

Anyways, after being held up at the border, just a couple mins later we had to stop for a train!! At this point I turned to Scott and said “Man, this is REALLY not our day!” Little did we know our day was about to get a trillion times worse! We made one final stop in Browning to fill up with gas and go to the bathroom and then we were on our way. 
It was around 11 ish by now and Ruthie was getting fussy, and as per usual I had turned around a million times to hand toys, snacks, iPads, books etc. I kept keeping track of the time because at 11:30 I planned to give Ruthie a bottle so then she’d fall asleep for a while. Luckily her iPad must have distracted her enough because by some miracle I was still buckled in my seat and had somewhat forgotten about the bottle at the time of the accident which was pretty much exactly at 11:30 - the time I planned to take my seatbelt off and turn around to give Ruthie her bottle. Every time I think about this it sends chills down my back. If I had given her that bottle theres a VERY high chance I wouldn't be writing these blog posts right now. Its kind of unnerving to think about.

A semi passed us going the opposite direction which of course blew up a huge cloud of snow. We’ve all experienced this before, right? And after a couple seconds the snow clears and you carry on your way. Well the snow did clear after a couple seconds but instead of seeing the road ahead of us like usual, we saw a big blue truck sliding sideways pretty much RIGHT in front of our car-it was also coming from the opposite direction. I heard Scott say “Oh geez!” And his body simultaneously tensed and then it happened. There was literally no time for any other reaction. No one screamed or tried to swerve, he was that close to us. I know it’s only been 3 weeks but the scene of the snow clearing to reveal that stupid blue truck sliding right towards our car is still just so haunting to me. I picture it over and over, multiple times a day. It never gets less terrifying. It’s like a million thoughts raced through my head yet none at all if that even makes sense. Is it possible to hate a “moment”? Because I hate that moment!! I hate it so much!!

I was instantly knocked unconscious from the playpen that flew up from the trunk and smashed my head against the dash. Airbags did go off but I was told by multiple dr.’s I would have had to hit my face on something other than the airbag for it to split open. It had to be more of a blunt force trauma-hence the dashboard. The couple that came across our accident said I wasn’t yet responding to them. Scott was awake and talking and my babies were in the backseat crying. The moment I was trying to regain consciousness is another moment I hate. At first I had no recollection of what just happened and felt completely lost and was wondering where I was. I was crunched over, I couldn’t hear or see a thing; everything was pitch black because I had no vision at the moment. And I felt completely paralyzed. I literally couldn’t move one muscle in my body. It felt like every muscle in my body was seized; clenched as tight as they could be. It was a terrifying thought to think I was completely paralyzed. Every inch of my body was in excruciating pain. Every.Single.Inch!! I really can’t even explain how awful that moment was. I’ve never experienced such extreme pain. Slowly I started to remember the truck and realized we had just been in an accident. I was trying not to freak out too much. Eventually I tried moving, which seemed impossible. I told myself to wiggle my fingers, which I was eventually able to do. I then one by one told myself to move my toes, my legs, my arms, my head etc. Slowly, I was able to move more and more. I could still feel immense amounts of pain. I felt something on my head, pinning me down. I reached my hand up to try and push it off. I still wasn’t able to see anything and was in complete darkness so I didn’t know what it was, I thought maybe it was the car. 

At this point I started hearing again-first just a loud ringing but eventually it went away and I heard voices. My vision was slowly coming back as well in my left eye-the one that wasn’t swollen shut. Scott was saying he couldn’t move, he did reach over for a second to try and help me push the playpen off of me. But he really couldn't help much at all, he was pretty trapped in there. I had been trying to push whatever was on me off with my left hand towards the window, that wasn’t working so I tried using my right hand. Shooting pains shot through my hand! I knew I wouldnt be able to push whatever was on me off so I resigned myself to waiting for someone; surely someone would find us soon and get us out. I sat there trying to reassure myself and keep calm. And then I heard another voice outside the car, it sounded a few feet away. It was a man’s voice “We’ve got to get them out of the car! It’s leaking gasoline everywhere. We’ve got to get them out before it starts on fire!” When I told Scott this, when we were in the hospital afterwards, he was like “Uhh, ya that was probably an awful thing to say when we were still in the car!” (He has zero memory of the accident at all) BUT I’m so glad he did say it because instantly something in my brain just switched, probably my motherly instincts and right away I thought “I’m getting out of this car and I’m getting my babies out!!” **Insert Heavenly Angels here** I immediately brought my injured hand up since I knew it was the only direction to push whatever was on me off. Within seconds and with a TON of pain I shoved the playpen off of me, undid my seatbelt and slid right out my window. I glanced into the car quickly to see what had been on me as I slid out and saw the playpen. This probably doesnt seem like much, right? I didnt think so either at the time. But after others and myself had seen the car in person or pictures of the car-my window in particular- I really shouldnt have been able to get out of the window at all, let alone with ease! Thinking back to this moment too, when I was hobbling out around the car and the lady who was helping us saw me cried out “Oh my gosh! It’s the mom! Oh my gosh! She got out! How did she get out?” She kept saying these things for a couple minutes. She really was making a big deal about it which I was just too in shock to recognize at the moment. When I got out of the car I felt my face as I could tell I could only see out of my left eye. The whole right side of my face felt extremely swollen, my eye was swollen completely shut and there was blood dripping all over my clothes. I was pretty worried I was going to be blind. (Thank heavens that isn’t the case!)

As I was wandering around the man was shouting to people to get something to break Roczen’s window open. His window was the only one that didn’t shatter and his door was jammed shut and wasn’t able to be opened. I continued around the car to Ruthie’s side (She was behind the drivers side) I looked through the shattered window and panicked when I saw her empty carseat. I started looking around, literally expecting to see my baby lying somewhere lifeless on the road. SUCH a horrible moment. Luckily I glanced across the road and saw a lady putting Ruthie into her truck. I had seen Ruthie’s soother on the ground and knew she would need it. I grabbed that, went back to her window where I had seen Roczen’s blanket and grabbed that too. He was still in his carseat crying and asking what had happened. Heart broken, I told him we had been in a car accident but that he’d be ok. The lady came back at this point and helped me limp across the street to her truck. I told her we needed to call 911 but she told me she already had and that they’d be here soon. I climbed in and held Ruthie while waiting for Roczen and Scott to get out too. My blood was dripping all over Ruthie and the truck, I felt a little bad about making such a mess but just too sore and exhausted to do anything about it. A few minutes later Roczen was brought to me. I was feeling very nauseous and was trying not to throw up or pass out. Ruthie was crying on and off but Roczen was silent and appeared to be struggling to stay awake. The lady got in the truck to wait with me. I kept asking about Scott and she told me he was stuck in the car and they were waiting for assistance to get there to help cut him out. (It took over 2 hours to get him out of our car)

The ambulance showed up shortly after and they started asking us where on our bodies hurt. I was then strapped down to a board and put on a stretcher and taken into the ambulance. They brought both my kids in and one of the EMT’s asked the lady who had been helping us if she was coming with us. I quickly begged her to come be with my babies as they’d have no one with them. She quickly agreed and just said she needed to go tell her husband who was the man who had been helping us as well.

The next several hours are a blur. It seemed like we hadn’t been there very long at all but when I asked the time it was already 4:00-almost 5 hours had passed. Time seemed to be passing in a strange manner. I know they asked me for numbers of people to contact. I knew Rick and Barb were already in Kalispell so I was planning on having them call them but when they came back with the phone I realized I didn’t know either of their numbers. I just had them written in my phone, which I didn’t have with me. So I told them my parents home number and my dad’s cell number. I got to talk to them for a bit and told them to come be with us. We got CT scans and x-rays. I don’t really have any idea what was going on with the kids since I was getting worked on the whole time we were there. I knew they weren’t far away though as I could hear Ruthie crying. It is SO horrible to hear your baby crying and literally not be able to do one thing about it or even go to them. The nurses kept telling me that crying was a good sign and I know thats true but it was still just so hard laying on that table unable to go to them. I remember being freezing cold and asking for more and more warm blankets. I also kept begging to get unstrapped from the board. I was getting extremely claustrophobic but they kept telling me I had to stay strapped in. My legs, body, arms, head were all strapped down. 

Eventually the lady who had come to the hospital to be with Roczen and Ruthie came in to tell me she was about to leave. I feel SUPER bad but it was this exact moment where I started to feel super sick and knew I was going to throw up. I started shouting that I was going to puke. Puking while laying on your back and unable to move while strapped to a board is pretty awful. I had puked once while on my back and the nurses were scrambling to find some suction or something, I just remember them all start to frantically run around talking about suctioning. Finally as I kept puking one of them decided to ditch that effort and told the other nurse to help her flip the board over sideways while I continued to throw up. Having been on my back when it happened, I got it all over myself and hair. They tried cleaning it off as best they could but I had crusty pukey hair for like 2 days before I was finally able to get out of bed and into the shower. So gross. 

Sometime around here the police officer came in to talk to me. He told us he ONLY ever gets called to accidents where there have been multiple fatalities. And was like, “I don’t know how to put this other than to say, You are very lucky! When I saw the cars I knew no one could have survived and was beyond shocked to learn that there wasn’t even one fatality!” He attributed it to the airbags and safety features of our car. The nurse next to me quickly piped up and stated that it was probably angels that saved us! And as much as I know the safety features in our car definitely helped I also know that there were angels there protecting us!!

The dr. came in at some point to and told the nurses to cut my clothes off. I begged them not to cut them off haha I was wearing my favorite pants and a new ish hoodie!! I had had the pants for a few years and they were the best ever!! They were the first pair of pants that I didn’t have to hem at all!! (Probably meant to be capri’s for normal height people lol) Lesson learned, when going on a roadtrip wear hideous clothes you don’t mind getting cut up! I heard them talking about a gash under my right knee and lifted my leg up to look at it. As I was doing it the nurse was like “You probably don’t want to see this!” The gash was right to my bone. They had to do two layers of stitches, internal dissolvable stitches and then stitches on my skin. They were going to stitch the two gashes on my face but decided to go with glue instead. Next they came in to wrap my ankle. They started wrapping my right ankle. I told them that one didn’t even hurt at all and that it was my left one that hurt. The dr. pretty much told me I was in shock and probably just didn’t realize it was actually the right one that was broken. I kind of left it for a minute but then was like “Yaaa, no. It really is the left one that hurts” So then he decided he better go check, so he left the room and came back a minute later and was like “Yup you were right!” haha 

Eventually I heard them wheel Scott in on the other side of the curtain. They pulled the curtain back so I could see him. He kept apologizing, even though it wasn’t his fault at all. I really don’t know what happened next. I might’ve fallen asleep for a bit or just laid there while they got Scott all sorted out, I really don’t know. I know they were arranging flights for Ruthie and Roczen. And I know my parents came in at some point. Eventually they put Scott and I in an ambulance and we were off to Kalispell.

Scott had a really bad concussion and asked the SAME 4 questions over and over again pretty much the whole ride there, although I do think we both fell asleep near the end. The guy riding in the ambulance was very nice and kept answering Scott as if he’d never heard the question before. Scott kept begging for water but the guy kept saying he couldn’t have any. I had asked for water several times in the hospital too and was told the same thing. They did however, say they could swab my mouth with a wet cotton ball or something. Ugh! Never again! It had such a nasty taste to it I quickly decided I could do without water. Eventually the EMT in there with us told Scott he could give him a little squirt of saline or something, not too sure. Scott said it was super salty! And this made him really sick and he immediately threw up. When he was asking for water again later on the EMT reminded him of what happened last time haha They gave me some pain meds right before we got in the ambulance and a bit later I asked for some more. The EMT told me he could give me a bit more fentanyl. All I had ever heard was people dying using that drug haha So I told him never mind but that only lasted like 10 minutes before I was asking for the pain meds again and gladly accepted some more fentanyl. 

When we got to Kalispell, it was around 8:00pm, a bunch of Dr’s came in to look us over. I still had my contacts in and trying to get that contact out of my extremely swollen eye was quite the struggle. At one point the Dr. had me try and so I was pulling back what felt like layers/rolls of skin to get to my eye but it didn’t even feel like my eye. I wear contacts every single day and am very familiar with my eye. I literally had no idea where to even touch to get my contact out. My eye felt very swollen, large and squishy and just not shaped the same. So I told the Dr. I just had no idea what I was even doing. So after awhile of him trying again he finally got it out. I don’t remember what else happened here but eventually we were all moved into rooms. Roczen and Ruthie were on the floor below us and Scott and I had rooms next to each other.
This is where I’ll finish up here. I’ll make another entry about the days after the accident.

Ruthie Jane Lowry - Birth Story

So once upon a time I was due to have a little girl on August 11, 2015. My mom was going to Utah for a few days at the end of July and she told me multiple times I was NOT allowed to have the baby while she was gone. Talking with my sister Janna, we both said, guaranteed it will come that week just because she's gone. Well lo and behold, the day after my parents left to go to Utah I go into labor.

On Thursday July 23 I went to Barnwell to meet up with both my sisters. Shayla has a friend who has a house on Stafford lake which is just about 15 minutes away from Barnwell. And actually, when I told Scott I was going even he said (jokingly, I think) "Are you sure you should go, what if you go into labor?" I brushed it off and told him well at least it was only 40 minutes away and could make it back in time. So all afternoon we were at the lake and Shayla's friends even took us out on the boat. I kind of felt "different" but I definitely wasn't having any contractions or anything. I got home just after 5 and put a frozen pizza in the oven. Things were pretty uneventful until about 7 or 8 ish. Thats when I started having contractions, and they were fairly painful but definitely manageable. Around 9:30 Scott and I went to bed and I was definitely in a bit of pain at this point but I was still in denial that I was actually in labor. We even did back scratches, since thats what we'd been doing every night for like weeks now. I tried getting comfortable but laying down was getting really painful so around 10 I got out of bed and went to the living room so hopefully Scott could fall asleep. I was STILL in denial about being in labor because with Roczen I didn't have any painful contractions at all until my water broke. So since my water hadn't broken I just assumed it was false labor.

Well by this point contractions were so bad I was crying. I started texting my sisters seeing if they thought I was actually in labor or not. They both told me it was probably just false labor since they both had gone through that too. By 11 I was in so much pain though so my sister told me just to go to the Raymond hospital and have them check me just to see. So I went and got Scott up and we went to the Raymond hospital. As we were checking in the nurse finally just said "Alright, you better just go to Lethbridge. I can tell you're actually in labor but if not the worse that's going to happen is they'll send you home." Sooo we headed straight into Lethbridge. I was having such bad back labor, which is totally different from Roczen's labor too and it was EXCRUCIATING! So the whole way to Lethbridge I sat on my knees facing the back seat hugging the chair haha I told Scott a few times to let me get out of the car! He kept just telling me I couldn't get out (the nerve!) When the contractions came I'd start pounding the headrest in a steady beat haha When we walked into the hospital I was like bawling, the nice volunteer man grabbed me a wheel chair and told me to sit down. It took me a minute or two to sit down because I couldn't decide what hurt worse, standing or sitting. The nurses there too, told us just to go straight up without checking in and they'd take care of it later. Actually, first of all they told the volunteer to take me up and they'd have Scott check me in and come up later but that just set me over the edge and I started crying even harder haha Ya, I realize I was being a bit ridiculous but I couldn't even help it! So up to labor and delivery we go! And when the nurse checks to see how dilated I was...I was a ONE! I was like uhh no way am I just a one and in this much pain! I thought for sure they were going to send us home but then she asked if I wanted to get in the shower. Heck ya I did! This also surprised me because generally with a VBAC you have to be in the bed hooked up to the monitors the whole time. They did have me hooked up for like half hour but then I was able to get in the shower, So I got in the shower and sat in that thing forever. Scott left to get something or do something I can't remember what and the nurse was putting an IV in my hand and it started shooting out blood everywhere. When Scott walked back in the shower floor was covered in blood haha I quickly told him it was just from the IV. They even took my blood while I was in the shower. The only times I got out was to get checked to see how dilated I was. In an hour I dilated from a 1 to a 4. But then the next like 2 hours I was stuck at 4 but then once again within an hour I was fully dilated! An hour before I started pushing I finally got an epidural. I had been begging for one for awhile.

At one point I told my nurse (who was AMAZING by the way) that I just wanted a c section instead. She was great and talked me out of it (because I really did want to do VBAC) She asked me why I wanted a c section, was it just because of the pain? She calmed me down and told me we could get an epidural. She reminded me I had a toddler at home and a VBAC would be much easier to recover from. I seriously loooved her!! Pretty sure her name was Marissa if I remember correctly. So anyways the anesthesiologist comes in and I wanted to punch him in the face! He was talking ridiculously slow!! I know they have to go over the risks etc etc but he could've at least talked a bit faster. After the epidural it was A LOT better but I could still feel a ton of pressure so it was still quite uncomfortable but I guess actually a good thing because I could tell when I needed to push still. Oh and by this point my water STILL hadn't broken. Scott had been sleeping in the chair for the hour while I had my epidural and my nurse told me when I had my next contraction she was going to let me push to see if it would break my water. She told me it most likely would burst quite forcefully. Scott, having been asleep didn't hear any of this though. So at my next contraction he got up to come help hold my legs and I pushed and sure enough my water broke and it literally SHOT out...like 10 or 15 feet across the room, no joke! It scared the crap out of Scott and he jumped back even, it was actually kind of funny. And after that I pushed for about 20 minutes and then we had our baby girl!! Born on Friday July 24, 2015 @ 3:58 am. With Roczen I pushed for almost 2 hours so 20 minutes was quite a bit nicer! I did tear, so I had to be stitched up for a bit after which actually really hurts even though they give you freezing, I just assumed the epidural would cover that too, but nope you definitely feel the whole thing. Also, feeling the baby come out of you is a really weird sensation! And the placenta looks nothing like what I thought it did haha

I absolutely LOVED getting to hold Ruthie right after I had her. Since Roczen was a c section they just briefly showed him to me then took him to the nicu and I didn't even get to see him for a few hours afterwards since I was in recovery. So it was really nice to be able to hold my baby girl immediately after. I MUCH prefer natural over c section. Ya, it really sucks sitting on your stitches the first week or 2. But at 2 weeks, I'm like 97% pain free! Whereas with Roczen, it was literally like 2 months before I wasn't in pain everyday.

Scott doesn't believe me, but from the very beginning of my pregnancy I knew I was having a girl, even before the ultrasound. I just knew. And I also knew her name was going to be Ruthie. I realize it does sound kind of retarded but it's true, I just knew it was going to be a girl named Ruthie. Ruthie was the only name I suggested to Scott my whole pregnancy and I not once even tried finding another name. Scott had suggested Jane at some point and I told him I didn't love it for a first name and we honestly didn't talk names really ever the whole time I was pregnant other than that. So once I had her we were just kind of like, Ruthie Jane?? Sure! and that was that, she had a name. We love our sweet baby girl!! She is such a good baby and I'm so glad she's a part of our family!!

Chicken legs!

Oh I could just eat her up!!

This boy is the best big brother! He's so gentle with her and looooves her so much and is so protective! Cant wait to see them play together one day!

And seriously, how cute is he!