why do they call them Thin Mints?

Apparently it's Girl Scout cookie season. I heard it on the Today Show. These cookies have their own season. Hunting season, the holiday season, football season, Girl Scout cookie season.

These are the only cookies that people will drop $40 for and not bat an eye. What are they, like $6 a box or something? And we order in advance, too. Then, before our "real" order arrives, we buy from the little girls stationed outside Safeway to hold us over until the real order arrives. After the $40 order arrives, we hit the grocery store station again, because now we've only got eight boxes left, and the season is almost over!

People get possessive of Girl Scout cookies. Seriously, people claim boxes.

Back off my Tag-a-Longs, bitch, you should've slowed down on your Thin Mints!

Oh, please. You know you've thought it, if not said it outright.

It's not quite that rough in my house, but last year my daughter did cover "her" box with threats in bold Sharpie, aimed at potential cookie thieves. I thought this was intended for her little brother until I saw "This means you, Anyu!" in fierce Sharpie strokes. Complete strangers think nothing of approaching each other over Girl Scout cookies. "Hold up ... dude, hey, where'd you get those Girl Scout cookies? Do they have any Samoas left? Thanks!"

What is there, crack in these things?

Girl Scout cookies have become part of the fabric of American society. Even when I lived in Germany, Girl Scouts were there, swarming through the US housing areas and camping out at the PX. You think it's bad here? Girl Scout cookies in Germany were the ultimate Taste of Home.

When I lived in Hungary, there were no Girl Scouts, thus, no cookies. Sometimes we'd get lucky, and someone would go visit the States during Girl Scout cookie season. I actually felt sorry for those guys. It went without saying that anyone traveling across The Pond came back with a cooler of various requested items: Arby's Beef & Cheddar, Taco Bell, KFC, whatever. It didn't matter that it sat 15 or 20 hours in the cooler; people would inhale that stuff like it was manna from heaven. Anyway, it sucked to go back during Girl Scout cookie season. You had to take an empty bag to bring the cookies back, in addition to the cooler.

Amazing how much that taste of home comes to mean. You tend to hoard items that you can't get easily. Like cake mixes or cheddar cheese. I once hoarded some Jiffy corn muffin mix so long that little moths got in the boxes. We were devastated. Jiffy corn muffin mix in and of itself sucks, actually, but it -- along with creamed corn -- is necessary to make corn pudding/spoon bread. The cans of creamed corn survived, but the Jiffy mix was toast. No spoon bread for Christmas that year.

I think those years without have lead to some hoarding behavior of Girl Scout cookies, even now that I'm back in the Land of Obesity. Last year I bought way too many cookies. Yes, I claimed boxes, as did everyone else in my house. I hoarded so much that several boxes went stale.

I was like Gollum with the friggin' ring.

I mean, the hoarded cookies were too stale to eat, but throw out Girl Scout cookies? Bitch, please! Every once in a while I'd try one, like maybe it wouldn't taste stale if I dipped it in coffee first or something. My son finally discovered a stale box in my desk at work.

Dear Son: Score! Girl Scout cookies!
Me: Son, you don't want those -- they're so stale ...
Dear Son: They're Girl Scout cookies. They're fine.

He would not be dissuaded by a bit of staleness. At least they didn't go to waste.

So, this year, I'll try to remember that I'm back in the land of Girl Scouts and it's not necessary to lay up a store for the next six years.

Batman meets Squirrel

Batman spent the weekend intently watching Squirrel through our sliding glass force field. The squirrel has somehow learned about glass. He wasn't at all perturbed by this hairy beast inches away from him. This went on for hours. Like those DVDs for dogs and cats, except free. 

I'm not making that DVD business up -- it's like reality TV for your pet. People pay for this shit. What is that? There's something inherently wrong when people believe their pets want to watch TV.  People, take your dog on a walk. He doesn't want to watch a cat actor, he wants to sniff stinky stuff and run around and chase squirrels and tennis balls. 

Does  posting about your dog qualify as a Lame Blog?  A friend's recent comment: "I'm not reading it if it's boring."  Whatever.  She's reading it. Fuck it.  This is a dog post, bitches. 

Crafty in a Good Way

Today we had the annual Holiday Craft Fair here at the college. I don't get crafters. My mom and sister can craft the hell out of anything. My sister quilts. By hand. My mom has a whole room devoted to crafts and sewing.  

A room.

My mom once made a series of these dolls -- nuns, actually -- that were friggin' hilarious. Sister Mary Garcia is the one I remember.  She had a tie-dyed habit and a peace symbol for a crucifix. The other nuns were suitably scandalous.  People bought those dolls. Paid money.

Then there's my Aunt Nelly. She used to crochet vests, scarves, and toilet paper covers that looked like dolls. (the TP goes under the skirt.)  When I was a kid, I was stylin' in my crocheted vests over my turtlenecks.

The craft gene completely skipped me.

My younger daughter got the craft gene. She got the cooking gene as well, courtesy of my mom and sister. Even better, the gene has mutated in her -- she turns out these crazy twisted things. Like the time she made Christmas cookie cut-out dolls complete with cookie underwear, among other accoutrements.  

I don't know why all this domesticity skipped me. Not that I want to be a crafter. But it would be cool to cook up a gourmet meal. For fun.

We're doing our holiday potluck at work this Friday. I am already stressing -- ohmygod, I have to cook! Crap. I'll probably just get something from Trader Joe's and call it a day.

I may not be a crafter, but I am pretty crafty. In a good way, not a craft way.

Several Things About the Offspring. An Addendum.

• My kids kick ass.
• Their humor is sick and twisted. They make me laugh.
• Same nature, same nurture, completely different kids. It's a crap shoot, people.
• They speak fluent Hungarian because we lived there. Also various levels of German, Spanish and Arabic.
• They can be complete pains in the ass. They're teenagers.
• Conversely, they often completely disprove the stereotypes about teenagers.
• I learn from them. Especially when they call me on my crap.

The Eldest Daughter

• Is on full academic scholarship to Howard University.
• (Hell, yeah, I'm bragging about that shit.)
• Spits when passing the White House.
• Is a classical pianist with a minor in Sociology.
• Is also a singer. She loves Early Music.
• Is getting her protest on, as any self-respecting college student in DC does.
• Hates TV.
• Is an active anti-racist and feminist who also works against heterosexism, colorism, and any other -isms she runs across.
• Is an artist with a funky style. Is a writer. She does these things for herself.
• Is left-handed.
• Is unnaturally wise.

The Second-born Daughter (who is a functioning first-born)

• Is a brainiac-athlete-pastry-chef-multi-tasker who works, runs track, does high jump, debate and multi-cultural club, and kicks ass in her classes.
• Was the first girl football player on her school's team when we came back to the states. (yes, on the line.)
• Rode horses in Hungary, loved to jump.
• Is a Yell Leader. This is a cheerleader who cheers for wrestling, not football, because the football cheerleaders at her school are "Snotty-assed Barbie-girls".
• Creates unique and twisted bakery items.
• Is organized everywhere except the hell called her Room.
• Fits her boyfriend into her life, not the other way around.
• Plays her emotions close to the vest, but has a huge heart.
• Is loyal and generous.
• I don't know when the girl sleeps.

The Youngest, Our Resident Man-Child

• Is a math whiz, a young gentleman, a computer whiz.
• Is an athlete who wrestles, plays football, and runs track.
• Is navigating his way through the hell called middle school as a young man of color in whitified suburbia.
• A growth spurt turned him into a man-boy hybrid with a six-pack he has no business having, and who sounds like James Earl Jones.
• Is learning that --OhNo!-- report cards do not automatically reflect amazing brain power without some effort.
• Is coming into his own. He will be an amazing man.
• Is caring and kind.
• His laugh and smile are contagious.

100 (or whatever) Things About Me

What the hell, gotta do the "100 Things". Besides, bullet lists are so much easier than actually writing about myself. (can't get the actual numbers to work. Something in the HTML)

Random shit about me:

• I love the smell of fresh cut grass.
• Lilacs are my favorite -- I could probably get a good buzz going from lilacs and cut grass.
• I'm politically progressive.
• I am so NOT a morning person.
• I tend toward extremes. Not one for middle-ground in anything.
• I have no patience for the -isms.
• Yes: I'm intolerant of intolerance. I have a real hard time with the Redneck Mentality and the Bible Thumper Mentality. I know that's intolerant. Sue me.
• I'm really happy that red wine and dark chocolate have been proven to be good for you.
• I HATE being cold.
• I don't like organized religion.
• It annoys me that the most fanatical people in all religions seem to be the ones fucking everything up.
• I'm either doing nothing or multitasking like a manic freak.
• I am shamelessly addicted to coffeeshop coffee. It's too expensive to buy it as often as I want it.
• I have a cowlick right in the middle/front of my hair that drives me nuts.
• I'm Aries, barely. By a matter of hours. Cusping with Pisces.
• Raised in the Midwest. Breadbasket of America.
• One sister: 2 years younger
• My mom and dad are still married to each other.
• Single Mom of teenagers. Two daughters, one son.
  (See Several Things About the Offspring)
• I have 2 Labradogs. Both shelter adoptees.
• I like big dogs. Little dogs generally annoy me.
• My favorite dogs are the 2 Great Danes we had when I was in junior high.
• Spent most of my adult years in Germany and Hungary.
• Lived 2 years in Atlanta. In an interracial family. Made it out.
• Currently live near Seattle, aka The Left Coast.
• I miss heat. It may drive me friggin' insane.
• I once wore combat boots for the US Army.
• I had a Top Secret SBI security clearance.
• The full name of that clearance is still classified.
• I had hoped the military would turn me into a morning person. It didn't.
• I'm right-handed.
• Things I do left-handed: use my computer track-ball, shoot an M-16.
• Served several tours as an Army wife, aka "Military Dependent" (The military no longer calls them "Dependents". They are now "Family Members.")
• My military training and security clearance didn't mean shit once I became a "Dependent".
• I am no longer a wife. Nor am I dependent.
• I am the spawn of Republicans. Far-Right ones.
• My mother was once a bleeding heart liberal fringe-wearing, sign-carrying, war-protesting, far-out, genuine Hippie.
• I was once a religious zealot.
• I was once a sign-language interpreter. I've forgotten most of it.
• I was once fluent in German. I've lost most of it, but when in Germany, it comes back quickly.
• I learned that Hungarian is about 1,000 times harder than German.
• I love boots and sandals. Not much in between.
• I expected to hate NYC, but absolutely loved it.
• I like to sing harmonies.
• I friggin' hate going to the grocery store.
• I am a secret member of the grammar and punctuation police.
• Casual writing, however, is not subject to all the rules therein.
• I'm somewhat of a TV-snob, but secretly like stupid movies like Napoleon Dynamite.
• I love to read.
• I'm probably the most anti-smoking person ever.
• I love tequila. Salt+Lemon or Cinnamon+Orange.
• I have a self-imposed 2-shot Tequila Limit. (Except in the comfort of my own home. )
• I have been a vegetarian for 9 years.
• I still eat seafood. Some say that means I'm not a vegetarian.
• My parents love me and are proud of me. Despite my religious and political "shortcomings".
• My parents are funny as hell.
• I wish I lived closer to my parents. In a Blue State.
• If I won the Lottery I'd open a dog rescue/day-care. For big dogs.
• I wish I didn't procrastinate so much.
• I don't generally fit in with the Soccer-Mom crowd.
• None of my close friends have kids.
• Almost all of my close friends live very far away. I miss them.
• I'm currently single. I like not having to shave my legs.
• I used to fantasize about being like Samantha on Bewitched.
• If I was Bewitched, I could wiggle my nose to magically be showered with shaved legs.
• I like being alone. I like being with a bunch of people. It depends on the mood.
• I do not need a partner to feel complete.
• I do miss having a partner, sometimes. I don't miss having a husband.
• I miss being part of a community.
• I miss partying and going out with friends in Hungary.
• I feel disconnected here. People are nice and polite but distant.
• Sometimes I'm really lazy.
• When I fall in love, I fall in love deeply.
• I either have very close friendships or just acquaintances.
• I've had a lot of good sex with some hot sensual people.
• I have 3 tattoos. You can't generally see them.
• I love tattoos but regret each of mine for different reasons.
• I love Indian food. I wish I had the patience to learn to cook it.
• I worry a lot about retirement.
• I love hip-hop music, but have issues with lyrics that objectify women or glorify gangs and crime. I feel like a hypocrite, but I still like the sound.
• I love Early Music, and loved it before Chant got cool in mainstream.
• I don't like Chant. I love Tallis Scholars.
• I am generally not into movie stars. BUT...
• Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas, and Denzel Washington are fucking hot.
• I find Angelina Jolie hot as hell.
• I think the bald guy on Surprise by Design is hot as hell.
• I can't stand not being able to multitask when I drive.
• I can be a perfectionist and fixate on things.
• I sleep with socks on here.
• I like funky knee socks.
• I love making Excel spreadsheets.
• I'm good at it.
• Unfortunately, I suck at real math.
• I'm excellent at spelling, however.
• I work better and feel better with deadlines and some pressure at work.
• I love looking at maps. Especially the ones that show demographics, trends, percentages, whatever. Cartograms are interesting as hell.