a cry of love

Strange to read the last entry I posted, it's been a long time since then and a lot has changed. Reading the sentiments of the last entry, I still feel all of that....but I feel that it's time for me to severe the romantic relationship that I have with Grant. I truly do love him; he is a wonderful man and person and so caring and smart and funny. But I have to face the fact that I am just not fulfilled in our relationship anymore. We had a long talk about this, and decided that we are going to move forward just as friends and see what happens. It is really sad, but I also feel excited and ready to move on. He supports me. He actually told me he loved me for the first time when we had that talk, which was good to finally hear, but does not change things. I think he is more sad and broken up about this then he cares to admit--I think/know that this is the closest he has been with anyone in a loooooong time, like possibly decades. I also have a lot of guilt (though I know I really shouldn't). I feel guilty that I could not be that person for him. I could not "save" him or be there for him in the ways that he needed, but he couldn't be there for me in the ways that I needed either.

We are still going to be friends and hang out. I still have a bunch of crap at his apartment that I should probably start getting out of there. I also just wrapped his super expensive Christmas present....awkward :/ But he just kept saying to me, "I'm not going anywhere. I like having you in my life, regardless of if it is a romantic relationship or just friends." It's really hard though. We were never "friends," really, we just...started dating. So it will be strange to see him and not hug him or kiss him or shower with him or sleep naked together in bed. That's been my life for almost a year now. Crazy to think about.

I still haven't mentioned any of this to Mom and Dad. It's awkward, but I guess they never really got to know him very well anyway. Him and I just had this conversation on Monday, so I'm still figuring things out mentally. I'll probably just tell the whole fam tonight or tomorrow in one fell swoop. Sigh.

I love Grant. And I'm really trying to figure out how that's gonna work out. Things lately have been sooooo good. After we had that big talk a while back, we've just been in love and it's been sunny and warm and we've spent so many mornings laying in bed, so many nights in each other's arms, it's just been perfect. Yesterday I mentioned Montauk to him and we discussed the possibility of him coming down for a few days and us getting a hotel room. He seemed really excited about it. Today he sort of regressed...he says it's too expensive, his back can't handle driving that far, he regrets that he can't do more with/for me, he thinks I should find someone younger, richer, more full of life. He knows he is limited and it really takes a toll on his quality of life and his self confidence. This does concern me, to be honest. Especially after reading Mare's entry. I am going to travel, a lot. I am going to live in Africa for at least a while, I am going to drive across the country, I'm going to camp. And obviously, it would be amazing to have a life partner who will do these things with me. I know Grant maybe will never be able to do any of that. He may never even be able to move out of CT. It makes me really sad and I can't even think about it at this point, which kind of scares me. I don't feel like I'm "waiting around" here just for him or anything, not at all. I'm so happy to be with him. But how long before I'm ready to move away? And when that time comes...is it just over? Obviously Grant is a lot older than me too. It's a lot of shit to keep in mind. But dang, right now, I am so in love with him.

I'm in a weird spot right now. I really didn't think I'd be living back in NF for more than a few months...now that it's already been 7ish months, I realize perhaps it's going to be a bit longer. And I don't hate it. At all, actually. I actually sort of really like it. So now that I have come to terms with that, I sort of had my heart set on the whole Jetblue thing...making more money, getting free flights, taking little vacations...

Now that that has fallen through, I realize...I'm still really quite happy being here. I like living here, having a big beautiful house and kitchen and bedroom. I really really really like Grant. I love spending time with him and things are just going so well. I'm falling for him pretty damn hard and it's so scary but it's like every time I see him, it is reassuring that we're both in this together. It's strange. I've never had that with anyone besides Nate. He's just...sort of wonderful.

But anyway. So now that I'm sort of like...okay, I'm going to be living here for a bit, I seriously need to figure out what the heck I'm doing. I need to be making more money. I mean, I have been saving a lot, but this month my student loans are starting back up again and I'm not sure what I'm going to do about that. Edible has gotten really annoying lately, but it's changing all the time, and I think they are sort of "pruning" me for a management position, which would mean more money and a better thing to put on my resume.

So, for now, things are just going really well. :)

Part of why I've been feeling so good lately is the whole "new beginning" of spring. As Mare said, the weather being warmer, the sun being out, being able to walk around and not want to die...lol. But also I've been doing a lot of spring cleaning. Going through stuff in my room, boxes from Nate and my apartment...It's weird but feels good to get rid of things I don't need or want. I feel lighter and freer and like I am making positive progress in my life. I'm also painting my room! I did the first coat on two walls today...not much progress haha, but it looks awesome already! I might do another wall tonight, and tomorrow morning, and Wednesday I will finish/put shit back. Yay!

Grant came over last night after he closed at Starbucks. I really like him. (It's funny how Mare and I are both sort of going through this weird "beginning part" of a relationship at the same time, haha). It's just weird...I never found him attractive really, and I honestly do not know what changed. He just makes me laugh and has so many interesting stories and is so good at reading people and good at massages and knowing obscure references...We laid in my bed and talked and made out all night. He kept saying he should go home, but he slept over here one other night already, so I was like, "...well...you should just stay..." and he did. Today we stayed in bed until 11 or so, but then his stomach started growling so we got up. Not gonna lie, it was really awkward with mom when we went downstairs, but then the three of us ended up talking until he left for work at 1:15ish. I cooked eggs with onions and spinach and we ate spicy chips and hummus. He was like, "I like your mom, she is awesome!" Afterward, I was like, "so mom, obviously do not say anything to anyone at Starbucks about me and Grant, because we could get in trouble..." and she was like, "Is this a serious thing with him or just to tide you over in the meantime?" Awk. I'm like...we JUST started hanging out. Let's not make it awk. >_> Then she asked how old he was...I said, "35ish." He is actually 39. Sort of weird, but it's not like our family isn't used to it, haha. But he looks a lot younger and I feel like we are on the same page.

Things with Grant (not that I'm really "with" Grant but you know what I mean) are so much different than with Nate, already. I can't believe how fully I felt like no one else could do for me what Nate did. Obviously our relationship was special and meaningful to me, but now that I am seeing/feeling how Grant treats me, I'm like...wow. Nate and my relationship was so unfulfilling in so many ways. I actually talked to him, because he just got back from Israel, and he is just still so fucking depressed/depressing! He said he wants to see me and hug me and be with me, and I can truly say I have no desire to be with him in any romantic way. I would see him, to catch up, give support that he clearly needs, etc, but I don't know. I just don't really need that negativity in my life. I hate to see it like that, but...being in that relationship added to my anxiety/depression/addictions so much. I don't want to fall back into that in any sense. I am reborn, I can't just go back.

I also feel like my relationship with Nate is tainting how I feel toward Grant in some ways. I guess you can't help but to compare people. I just keep feeling like I'm "not good enough" or that he'll "get tired of me" or something weird like that. I know that's a horrible thing to think, but that is how being with Nate always felt. Like he was waiting for something better (though I guess I was too). Just trying to take things slow but we have been hanging out a LOT...like almost every day. And texting a lot. I dunno. I really like him and he obviously feels the same for now, so it's good! I should stop overthinking it.

I haven't updated this in so fucking long but oh well, here goes.

Things are sort of great in my life right now. It's hard to even imagine how messed up I was/felt just a few months ago.

When Laur was here the other day, I just kept being like, "I love my life right now!" I just feel like I have had sort of a momentous energy shift inside of myself. I was actually reading Nate's blog (from Israel) and he is just still so lost and confused and has no idea what his life is and has so much anxiety about it. I realized more fully than ever that he truly pulled me into that and made me feel confused and lost as well. We loved each other and wanted the best for each other and ultimately, that was not each other. I don't blame him for anything, but I realize now that I really DO know who I am, what I want in life, and can make it happen for myself. My future is not a terrifying blur anymore, it's a plan, it's a goal, it's a path that excites and entices me and does not invoke fear any more.

It feels amazing!

I stopped going to therapy over a month ago, but I feel better than I did in any of the time when I was in therapy. I don't know, I guess in a weird way, my therapy sessions felt like "dwelling" on things I could not change about my life...I don't know. I just feel so ready to move on and become more fully myself and explore the world around me.

In other news...another thing that has been sort of awesome lately is I have been sort of dating Grant from Starbucks. Like, dating is maybe too strong a word but...I feel it's headed in that direction pretty fast. It's just sort of a crazy mind fuck because like...I HATED him. HATE. HATE. HATE. Like, I talked about how much I hated him all the time. It's like I poured all my anger about everything that had happened in the past few months into hatred for Grant. I'm not sure how or when it changed, but as I got to know him better, it just started being like, the more we talked, the more we wanted to talk. He's SO funny and incredibly smart and well rounded and interesting. He's older than me, but we are on the same wavelength about so many things. Anyway, maybe like 3 weeks ago we started hanging out just the two of us...We went to the bar a few times, just talked for a long time and laughed and it was fun. We started texting a lot and having lots of fun at work and eventually last weekend was this big party at our friend, Jess's, house. We were having a great time and at the end of the night as we were saying goodnight he kissed me on the cheek...and then I kissed him on the mouth, haha. I'm just really enjoying my time with him so far. Today was the first day that I was like, "Whoa, maybe this is getting too serious too fast, like, what if i'm not ready to be in a relationship again?" But...I don't know. I feel like I can take it as slow as I want and not take things so seriously...

It is hard though. I REALLY sort of like him...every time I see him I like him more. It's sort of silly.

Anyway, that's all I have for you tonight, LJ Land. I really should write in here more.

Packing up my apartment, to move back to Connecticut, back in with Mom and Dad.

Part of me is really happy. I can't wait to spend time with my parents (and a lot more time with my sisters) again. I miss them all incredibly and I feel like I've been so alone and separate from them for too long. I'll also get to spend time with a lot more of my friends that I miss (Amy, Kat, Ben, Victoria, Carolyn). I'll be able to save a lot of money for WWOOFing and I've already found the perfect farm and I want to go so bad. Living at home, I definitely think it will be easier for me to: eat better, stay gluten free, exercise more, smoke less, and just do a lot more things. I feel stifled in Worcester to a crazy extent, so much time spent alone in my apartment, alone in all my thoughts.

Part of me is really fucking depressed. I love Nate so much. I am still in love with him even though I know we are falling out of love and I am helpless to stop it. Part of me hopes that we both take time to grow and change and learn about ourselves and learn about the world and can fall in love again in 10 years or something and make a family and a life together. I am so sad to leave him. Deep down, I know it's for the better, for both of us. But it fucking sucks and my heart is breaking. I feel like I am leaving behind this huge part of myself that I don't remember how to function without, and on top of that, I feel like Nate needs me so much...I am scared he will fall back into so many unhealthy habits when he isn't with me. But maybe I don't have enough faith in him, I hope he is able to grow up and become the man he truly wants to be. Nate is just such an amazing person and no matter what kind of relationship we have, I always want him in my life. I don't know how long I'll feel this way, but I can't imagine not being able to call him or see him or hug him whenever I want. He is my first love and he is so close to perfect for me, even though we both know something is missing.

It's so hard to let go. And I hate growing up.

So much packing left to do and Nate got called into work and I am so freaking sad and lonely and overwhelmed.

So, it sounds a little bit lame, but I actually started reading one of Nate's "self-help" books. It's called Creating Your Best Life and I'm actually pretty into it so far. It's mostly about setting goals, finding out what really matters to you in life and how to go about getting that. It's cool because there are "exercises" to do, and like, that's most of the book. So it's just a good way to put down in writing where I want to go and the pathways I see of getting there. I've been reading it for about 2 weeks, and so far it's been hard to really "stick" to the goals I've created for myself. I just feel so set in my ways in Worcester--somehow I know that getting out of here and doing workaway or WWOOFing would just make things better. I hate looking outside and seeing all there broken down, concrete, ugly buildings, out-of-business shops and restaurants, angry, lonely, mean people walking down my street, yelling, driving down my street, honking. I want to see wide open spaces and green green green. I want big blue skies and trees and birds and water and sea breeze. Time to go go go.

There is change in my bones and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it at bay. I feel like running away, anywhere, I just want to go somewhere new and do new things and meet new people. I want to change my life. Now is the time for a new start.