Tuesday, June 18, 2013
I told myself to be strong, to endure, to man up. But I really can't help feeling weak and helpless. So many things I wanted to say but yet I fell silent. I blame myself for being weak-willed.
Spent so many previous nights, reading all our memories. Still, it seemed so endless. Like time never exist for us, we exist as time. It really hurts. So much more when I try to think of the past 5 years. Crushed, this tight feeling upon my chest as I feel our times flowing through my very eyes.
Childish, that's what I am. It isn't as simple as just you and me.
I hated life, I hated complexity, I hated priorities, I hated existence, I hated weakness, I hated emptiness. Most importantly, I hated myself for being incompetent. Then I realize, I love too little.
Self-denial. Wishful thinking. Unrequited miracles. Non-existent simplicity.
It all runs too deep. I could guess the same for you.
As of today, 1775 days.
As of today, 4 years, 10 months, 10 days.
I still love you.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
6/18/2013 01:36:00 PM
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
8th of the month is here once again!
Happy 57th month to us :)
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
5/08/2013 10:29:00 PM
Sunday, April 28, 2013
Suppose to be a day to revise the most I can. Ended up only covering less than 1 chapter. Four modules, and I'm not even done with revising one module. Not even half. And exams will come in like, ten days? I feel like I'm regretting coming to University. I can't even commit myself to it at all. Didn't complete my course works on time, ended up handing in haphazard works. Now exams are due, and I'm not concentrating on my revisions. Oh yes before I forget, I haven't even attempted a single question out of any past year paper. I really don't know what I think of myself anymore. Jumping in into University, trying to think of a future for just once, and these things happen. Half of me really feel like pushing all the blames onto something or somebody, yet I know the fault, in the end, still lies within myself, partially, if not, fully.
A few months back, I said this, "I need to commit most, if not all, of my time on my course work." Of course, that didn't end up well in many different ways. Many troubles and worries along the way, and I end up like this. This time, I couldn't bear to say the same sentence again, fearing that I might once again, disappoint myself.
I blogged before, saying that I used to be young and childish. Something like that. I thought I've grown matured. Then it struck me, that attempting to do something for your future isn't what makes you matured. If you thought I'm going to say what is, I don't know. What does it mean to be matured? I guess it comes in many different forms.
I cannot grovel forever, that I know. Even my brother is facing challenges in his life now. Challenges that made him feel helpless sometimes. Worried as I am, there is nothing I can do for him to help. But the littlest things in the house I can help out with. And of course to not let him worry about anything extra.
But just for tonight, let me lament over my... Whatever you called it.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
4/28/2013 10:59:00 PM
Thursday, April 25, 2013
I LOVE ALICIA! <3 p="">
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
4/25/2013 08:48:00 PM
Saturday, April 20, 2013
I've recently just heard the news of my secondary school principal, Mrs Karen Oei's demise. Well, I do agree with some of my friends, having mixed feelings and stuff. I know I used to detest the things that she made us do, like putting on a musical cast and acting a play. But that was then, when I thought I was ready for the world. Well, I was, until I proved myself wrong as time just whiz and spiral away.
My principal took a bold step, to reform the school. Tanglin Secondary School is not the best school any parents would ever pin their little hopes on. It is, to be honest, quite a run down little noticeboard. "Quite" is really just putting patting colours to the school. In fact, I do believe the school was pretty notorious to certain extend. That aside, she has high hopes for us, to become the "RI of the West." Of course, those days, these words meant nothing to me. Scoffing it off seems like a norm there. Students inherited the ill-reputation and resigned to their fate. Seems almost a second nature to have these phrases like "just a neighbourhood school", "pai kia of the West" or even just a simple "Pffft. What a joke."
I do not know if she had done an excellent job. I dare not comment, as I've never worked with her. I am just one of the mini piece of scrap pinned onto the board. A clean (maybe not so) slate to be written on. But I do feel that she had the guts to make a difference to this school. She decided to paint her own frames and fill the fallen wood chips from the lost pins gathered through the years. I know it may sound a little exaggerating. But I really do picture it this way. Of course, with the help of her dedicated teachers at hand.
Because of her, I had an opportunity during my school days to be immersed in arts. To be really honest, I do feel a tinge of regret. Not that I truly felt remorse from it, but just maybe, this small little prick may just poke me to another direction in life. My cohort knows well that every class has to come up with a cast to re-enact our Literature play, "An Enemy of The People". Not one of the most amazing reading material, but it is not like I am overly exposed to reading stuff as well. But that's beyond the point. Can you believe it, that I was actually the lead. Well back then I was excited. But kids being kids, I didn't show it out as majority of the people feels crappy about putting on a play. The rehearsal and everything was fun and all. But that was the first time I really put my littlest toe into the world of drama. I wouldn't say I was an exceptionally talented actor, but I find it very interesting. It started to pique my interest in drama. Then there comes a day where people starts to trace the time's track and dust their fronts and back, and pat each other on the shoulder strap.
Students turned into graduates, and we move on. This little gust still stirs in me. I ever took up drama and poetry in my polytechnic days to feed my gust into a tiny gale. From there, I visited a blackbox theatre, where the professionals re-enacts within a blackbox, and with the best props they can ever have in the entire universe, the imagination. I was quite intrigued by it. I admit, I ever pictured myself there, stuttering and fumbling, probably tumbling too. Then again, everything turned into a breeze. The "realism" and "practicalism" is probably the fatal wound to it.
Seems almost like a chain reaction, with a final stop to it. Maybe using final would be too predictive.
My days in Tanglin, I thought I was ready, but I am just, but a tiny fragment on the noticeboard. I may not have been a contribution to the "RI of the West" contribution, but at least I got by. The current me now, is up on another platform, waiting to be pinned elsewhere. But because I was once dipped into arts, I feel I have shed certain mundane side of me.
Mrs Oei, be at peace. I have nothing but my deepest appreciation to offer to you. You do have my truest thanks, even though your morning speeches may be long and draggy, and absolutely too tough for me to understand in the past. But now, I can't really remember them.
Really, my heartfelt gratitude, and my deepest condolences.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
4/20/2013 12:03:00 AM
Monday, April 08, 2013
Its April and I'm having my finals on the month of May. To be totally honest, I'm not prepared at all. Ever since the assignment period is over, I've been slacking way too much. Life's been pretty rough, knowing i failed one of my coursework. On the bright side, its not going to affect my results in anyway, just maybe a heavy blow to myself. But I do know for sure that my assignment results is going to be really bad. For one, I didn't have enough time to complete my assignment fully. Many of the programs that I've been tasked to code, I barely made it work without any "guard" for cases which will make the program go haywire. Just hope the results will be just enough for me to pass. People tend to lose hope in their second or third year. I lost mine even before my exam started. The hope to graduate with an edge over the others.
Classes finally ended. No need to wake up early in the morning to attend classes/workshops anymore. Good and bad I guess. I'll study better having lectures. I mean, who doesn't? Then again, some people gets really motivated in self-studies. I know for sure, that isn't me.
Exams, please be over so fast that I don't even remember sitting for the papers, so that I can go back to work again. Don't think I can ever get enough savings at all. Should consider terminating my insurance.
There is no real freedom in life. We're all bounded by rules. And we live that way, or we'll be just be wild animals.
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
4/08/2013 11:31:00 PM
Saturday, December 22, 2012
--Mary HAD a little lamb--
12/22/2012 08:28:00 PM
