So much to say......

but I don't know where to start.

Bravebird.

I think we all battle different levels of loneliness. Although we can't control it - we can choose what we want to do about it.

A couple weeks ago when I blogged I was overcome with a wave of depression. I felt alone. I think in some ways we all want to be pursued, we all want to feel wanted. Since I don't have a boy (as of yet) in my life, this longing of wanting to be wanted comes from my friends - especially those I consider my spiritual sisters in Christ. [Sidenote: This is within the context of human relationships - I know Jesus is my ultimate pursuer and He gives me the security that I need but He also blesses us with relationships here on earth. ]

Communication is a powerful thing. LACK of communication is ALSO a powerful thing.

In going through my spout of feeling sorry and bad about myself - I entertained lies in my head from the lack of communication between a friend and I.  We got together a few weekends ago and I was brave enough to share what I felt only to have her validate that I indeed was believing lies about what I thought our friendship had succumbed to.

But what if I hadn't been brave enough to share?
What if I just ASSUMED what I wanted to assume....
What if I just believed the lies that my friend was mad at me because she didn't email me back or because she made plans with someone else instead of with me?





I'm sure glad that I talked it out with her that day.. I'm blessed to have her in my life and it just goes to show that I shouldn't doubt our friendship.

Disconnected.

I've been feeling really disconnected lately. Ever have that feeling that you are all alone in a room full of people? I love my friends from work but I need something deeper, spiritual. This just reminds me to dig deeper into my spiritual life. I know there will be seasons where friendships are stronger than others and this past year just feels like I've been in a spiritual desert.

Heart Song

Jesus, Lover of my soul,
Jesus, I will never let you go
You’ve taken me from the miry clay
You've set my feet upon the Rock, and now i know

I love you, I need you,
Though my world may fall, I’ll never let you go
My Saviour, my closest friend,
I will worship you until the very end

*FACEPALM*

I misplaced my work badge which costs $250 to replace. I made $250 yesterday for assisting with a meeting for a surgical society. Guess my glasses will have to wait. :'(

2012

This past year I've had lots of time to think about different things as I commuted to and from work. It's about a 40 minute drive so I always have lots to think about and I often come up with these witty blog titles and the subject I'd write about.. I just never got around to it.

I feel like I've had a lot of time this past year but it's left me I'm trying to invest this year into seeking God's will and purpose for me - I'm giving Him my first fruits...something I haven't been so good at this past year. We'll see where this goes :)

Deactivated.

Wow. Has it really been 5+ months since I last blogged?
I remember back in the day when Xanga was the hip thing to do and I blogged all the time. I feel like a record on repeat because I think I've brought this subject up before. Anyway.......

On Sunday I decided to deactivate my facebook page. Being a self proclaimed teenybopper for life comes with some unhealthy habits such as being obsessed with things, gossip, stalking (or as I like to call it, "diligently researching") among time wasted on frivolous things = all of which I did on FB. 

I think it's easy to feel like you are connected with people when you read their status updates and look at their photos but you never really are engaging with them. On the opposite spectrum, perhaps we feel like we are connecting with people by sharing these things but it also gives us control of what we share and how we share it. We're inviting people in but only to a certain extent and it gives this facade that we are connected.

I also felt really convicted after one of my co-workers updated her status, name, and relationship which insinuated that her and her hubs broke up or something so I texted another co-worker with one of those, "OMG - did you see XXXXXX's FB status??" In the end it was just an argument with her boo but here I am thinking that they are separating and blah blah blah. But I felt bad for gossiping about it and making it a bigger deal in my head than it really was. Even blogging about it right now just feels lame and makes me realize I need to put my energy into other things like... cleaning my house.

I don't live in one of those homes you see in Hoarders or anything but I want to be someone that's diligent in all aspects of her life and that includes keeping a clean house. And it seems kind of funny to relate deleting my FB to cleaning my house but c'mon - you know as well as I do it's easy to get sucked into the FB hole, you click on one thing, then another, then another and then you glance at the clock and you've spent 30+ minutes on the dang site. So it distracts me (as well as other things such as watching TV - my next deactivation???) and before I know it it's bedtime.

I think FB is a great tool to keep in touch with people, reconnect with people, and can be very entertaining but for me in this season of my life, it serves as a distraction when I want to be focused. I don't have the willpower to stay away so deactivating it for awhile was my best solution.

So in trying to reach my goal of being less distracted and more proactive - FB was the first to go. Next will be limiting TV time, then maybe internet time, then....???

To be continued...