Wednesday, December 30, 2009
RV Break Down........
Gripe and Groan.............
Update:
I'm still enjoying this blog........even though there aren't many who like it's contents......I can still rant and rave.........
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
I Believe This.........
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Well Now.........
Allergies..........
from the doctor. I have gotten to where the over the counter stuff, is doing less for me. So, I now am requiring a doctor's prescription to ease the pressure. This last year has been the worst that I've had in sometime, and I hope the new year will offer less ragweed, pollen and spores.
$50..........
Her parents beamed.
"Wow...what a worthy goal," I told her. "But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my driveway, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house."
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?"
I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.
A hug - is a sign of love.
A laugh - is a sign of happiness.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Latin America...........
Knee Pain........
It Never Ends..........
Friday, December 18, 2009
Little Johnny
Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today..."
Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?" Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
Ladies....We're Sunk....
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Night Befo Crizzmus
everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck,
dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.
All of da family, was ly'in on the flow,
my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all
when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".
I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see,
I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat".
dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.
Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white,
but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came,
and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.
On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who
On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street,
I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.
Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe,
an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck?
Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.
But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit.
He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew,
I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.
He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch,
and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git,
'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Roars No More........
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Fact of Life:
After Monday and Tuesday even the calendar says
W T F
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Houston Has Gay Mayor.......
Friday, December 11, 2009
Obama Spending........
matter.
Night Before Christmas...........
Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas'
And all through the house...
Not a creature was stirring
Since the cat ate the mouse.
My support hose were hung
By the chimney with care.
(I hung them last Christmas
And just left them there.)
My dog, Floyd, was nestled
All snug in his bed,
After watching the cat rip
The presents to shreds.
And I in my long johns
And ratty night cap
Had just settled my butt
For a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn
There arose such a clatter,
I swore at the window,
"What the (blank) is the matter?"
I tore open the window,
Not a second to tarry,
All ready to throw
The noisemaker a berry.
A bright moon was lighting
The new-fallen snow...
And I had a moon of my own
Set to show.
Floyd was beside me,
Paw pointing the way
Toward eight tiny reindeer
Hitched up to a sleigh...
And a little old driver
So cheery and quick,
I thought for a moment
That I would be sick.
Like a bat out of...you know,
His reindeer they came,
And I whistled and shouted
And called them some names--
"Hey, Hornhead! Hey, Furface!
Hey, Weiner and Turkey!
Yo, Klutzy and Mangy
And Venison Jerky!
Stay off of my porch!
Get away from my wall!
Now hit the road, hit the road,
Hit the road, all!
But as pedestrians before
My old Buick , they fly
And head for high ground
With great fear in their eyes,
So up to my rooftop
The fleabags they flew,
With a sleigh full of toys
And old Fruitcake - Breath too.
And then, in a twinkling,
I heard on the roof
Holes in my new shingles
Made by each tiny hoof.
As I reached for my slingshot
And a marble as well,
Down the chimney
St. Nicholas Tumbled and fell.
He had a huge sack of
Cheap junk on his back
And I whispered to Floyd,
"Be prepared to attack."
His eyes they were squinting,
His toy bag was draggin',
And I felt for a moment
Like I'd soon be gaggin'.
He was dressed all in red.
With a bell on his hat.
And a belt of black leather
To hold back the fat.
A billowing pipe
He clenched tight in his smile,
And the smell was like something
Had been dead for awhile.
He had a broad face
And a little round belly
That shook when I nailed him
With a handful of jelly.
He was chubby and plump,
Well, actually porky,
And I laughed when I tripped him
(He looked pretty dorky).
He was like a beached whale
Unable to budge.
And he tasted good , too,
If the dog was a judge.
I spoke not a word
But went straight to my work--
A noogie, a wedgie,
A cry of "You jerk!"
Until laying a finger
Aside of his nose,
With a loud cry of "Uncle!"
Up the chimney he rose.
He sprang to the sleigh
And dragged in the toys,
Then he cried to the reindeer,
"Get me out of here, Boys!"
And I had to exclaim
As a slushball I tossed,
"Happy Christmas to all,
And to all a Get Lost!"
But then, as I turned,
I saw 'neath the tree
Two gaily wrapped presents--
One for Floyd, one for me.
A big bag of jerky
Turned Floyd mighty chipper,
While for me was a pair
Of brand-new bunny slippers.
I looked out the window,
And hovering there,
Old Santa was winking
From his sleigh in midair...
"Merry Christmas, Maxine!"
He cried, full of cheer,
"Same to you, Pal!"
I answered, ("I'll get you next year!")
THE END
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
A Bracelet........
As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.
As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her.
Good looking as well. Cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one
would expect of a professional in a store like Tiffany's.
He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?'
Blushing & uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks,
'Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'
He answers, "Madam. if you farted just looking at it - you're going to shit when I tell you the price."
I Got A Problem.......
Saturday, December 5, 2009
Winter Vacation.........
No Show's........
Recently, I met this damned nice looking man, and he started up the conversation. I wasn't even expecting to meet someone at the location, I was at. When I finally realized that he was trying to flirt with me, I allowed the situation to play itself out. It moved a lot faster than I was anticipating, and before I know it, he had my phone # and I was on my way. Hell, he wanted to come over later, even. I chickened out, and went home, unplugged my phone, and went to bed. I thought sure, he would call me the next day to gripe me out. Not so!
I went back to the same place, and there he was.............now is when he started the questions......and I came up with a lie, about a "telemarketer" bothering me that day and forgetting that I unplugged the phone. Well, he went for it and before long was right back over there, giving me the same flirting treatment. So, when I was ready to leave, he told me he would call me the next morning, because he didn't know how late he would be working there that night. Paybacks are hell..............ha, ha........he got me! :)
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Obese.........
I can remember these days, when I was in highschool. It was horrible to have this facial problem, and even worse to have it around highschool idiots. They can make life miserable for people with skin like this.....I was one of the one's who went through it.......I know!
Ugly.......
Leave me alone........

Good........bye.......Get......Lost........
HE: Can I buy you a drink?
SHE: Actually I'd rather have the money.
HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.
HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.
HE : How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE : I must've been given your share.
HE: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.
HE: Your face must turn a few heads.
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs..
HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE: Okay, get out.
HE: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?
HE: What would you say if I asked you to marry me?
SHE: Nothing. I can't talk and laugh at the same time.
HE: Can I have your name?
SHE: Why? Don't you already have one?
HE: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE: I've already seen it.
HE: Where have you been all my life?
SHE : Hiding from you.
HE: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.
HE: Is this seat empty?
SHE: Yes, and this one will be if you sit down.
HE: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE: I'm a female impersonator.
HE: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE: Do not enter.
HE: Your body is like a temple.
SHE: Sorry, there are no services today.
HE: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy.
SHE: If I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Circuit City.........
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Walking Condom..........
Changing........
Monday, November 30, 2009
Rare Silver Coins
If you deal in silver bars then you should have a good supply on hand should this type of recession happen. Silver today, is in short supply and very hard to find. You can buy these metals from Monex and have them delivered to your bank or institution according to your specifications.
Down through the years the best way I’ve found to have assets available, was to buy expensive jewelry or invest in coins or ingots. I checked out a site that has been in business for quite awhile now. They deal in precious metals and have a good supply on hand. It’s got a scrolling marquee, with the precious metals and their price’s listed. If you need assistance with your shopping at Monex, just call , there are personal advisors ready to assist you.
Tiger In A Mess......
Friday, November 27, 2009
Jesus........
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.
When he heard nothing more , after a bit, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard
'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'
'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'
BluRay.......
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Maxine's Perfect Solution to Senior Health CareHere is the solution:While discussing the upcoming Universal Health Care Program with my sister-in-law the other day, I think we have found the solution. I am sure you have heard the ideas that if you're a senior you need to suck it up and give up the idea that you need any health care. A new hip? Unheard of. We simply can't afford to take care of you anymore. You don't need any medications for your high blood pressure, diabetes, heart problems, etc. Let's take care of the young people. After all, they will be ruling the world very soon.So here is the solution. When you turn 70, you get a gun and 3 bullets You are allowed to shoot one senator and 2 representatives. Of course, you will be sent to prison where you will get 3 meals a day, a roof over your head and all the health care you need! New teeth, great! Need glasses, no problem! New hip, knee, kidney, lung, heart? Well bring it on. And who will be paying for all of this. The same government that just told you that you are too old for health care. And, since you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any income tax.
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
GAA...ROOOSSS
I wonder if these poor animals will be cleaned and used for food, during the ceremony?
Stupid Call Center Customers.........
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on
my desk... sorry...
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill
Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I
try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed
it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it.
============== =
Monday, November 23, 2009
Senior Moment.........
The $2.99 Special
'Sounds good,' my wife said. 'But I don't want the eggs.'
'Then, I'll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte,' the waitress warned her.
'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously.
'YES!!' stated the waitress.
'I'll take the special then,' my wife said.
'How do you want your eggs?' the waitress asked.
'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!!
WE'VE been around the block more than once!
Send this to the Seniors in your life. I'm sure they'll appreciate it!!
Even non-seniors will appreciate it!!!!! Follow @nitawatson44 Nita Watson
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About Me
- Nita Martinez
- Hello, this is a Texas born and raised woman, who loves, her State, and the history it carries.
