I was at a downtown chain hotel. My best friend and I were taking our tween daughters to a movie-themed concert a few blocks away, and we needed to leave soon after the cocktail hour started, in order to walk the few blocks, get through security, and find our seats before the show started.

We sent our kids to the food line and jumped into the bar line (because priorities), and the bartender overheard us talking about what would end up being our unused drink tickets, given that we had to leave shortly. 

Immediately, he grabbed two large coffee cups and six pre-poured glasses of wine, explaining:

Bartender: “What you ladies need is the concert special!”

He took our drink tickets, poured three glasses of wine into one large cup, three in the other, slapped coffee cup lids on top, and declared:

Bartender: “You ladies enjoy your ‘coffee’ on your walk down to the arena!”

And then he gave us directions. 

He got a big tip, and we had the means necessary to enjoy a concert full of screaming young girls!

Related:
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 6
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 5
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 4
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 3
Why Barkeeps Should Rule The World, Part 2

This took place quite a few years ago at a popular coffee chain, before multi-lane drive-thrus were a thing. There’s only one lane with one speaker box, and we can easily see it through the windows. 

A woman in a large SUV pulls up to the speaker box.

Me: “Welcome to [Coffee Chain], can I take your order?”

Customer: “One minute, I’m on the phone!”

Me: “Oh, okay, well just let me know when you’re ready.”

After waiting roughly thirty seconds, she still hasn’t started her order, so I try to get her attention.

Me: “Ma’am, are you ready to order?”

Customer: *Silence.*

Me: “Ma’am, hello?”

Customer: *Silence.*

My manager can hear this taking place over his headset and has now come over to see what is going on. We can see her through the window, sitting at the speaker box, with her window up, talking on her cell phone. He then tries to get her attention through the speaker box, but she still doesn’t respond.

It’s now been almost two minutes, and there is a long line of cars behind her. Growing frustrated, my manager exits the building, walks across the small lawn to where the speaker box is located, and waves at the customer. She turns her head and holds up her finger, signalling she still needs a minute. 

Now fully frustrated, he walks up to her SUV and knocks on the window. She lets out a big sigh and rolls down the window. I can hear their exchange through the speaker box.

Customer: “What?!”

Manager: “Ma’am, I need you to please order or exit the line.”

Customer: “I’m not ready to order, I’m on the phone!”

Manager: “Then I need you to exit the line, please. There are people waiting behind you.”

Customer: *Glances back at the line of cars behind her.* “Well, how am I supposed to exit with them behind me? They are in my way!”

Manager: “Just pull forward and exit at the exit.”

Customer: “But I haven’t ordered yet!”

Manager: “Ma’am, just please pull through.”

The customer finally seems to understand and begins to pull through, but stops at the window and knocks.

Me: “Yes, can I help you?”

Customer: “I never got to place my order! I want my large tea!”

I quickly make her the tea, and she finally drives away, never to be seen again. All that, for a large tea.

We are serving a super annoying and rude couple at the restaurant. They finally finish eating (thank God), and the wife is standing by the door, arms crossed, waiting for her husband, who’s apparently taking forever in the bathroom.

After a solid few minutes, he strolls out looking way too refreshed and says, totally straight-faced:

Customer: “It’s so nice you guys have a bidet!”

We’re all standing there, blinking in confusion, but chuckle politely, like:

Us: “Oh, ha-ha, cool.”

But this guy doubles down. He launches into a whole TED Talk about how:

Customer: “On the East Coast, bidets are everywhere, but here on the West it’s always so refreshing to find one!”

That’s when it hits us.

This man straight-up grabbed the hose we use to clean the floors, the one connected to the tank, and hosed down his butt in our bathroom.

We’re trying not to lose it as he’s over here beaming like he just discovered plumbing. Meanwhile, I’m mentally drafting the “DO NOT USE AS BIDET” sign for the hose.

The phone rings. 

Here at the front desk of this dental office, I have specific rules: Don’t answer the phone if a patient is standing in front of me. Well, right now a patient is standing in front of me, so I let the call go to voicemail. 

The phone rings again. A quick glance at the phone’s LED display tells me that it’s the same person; the call came quickly enough that [Caller] must have hung up and called again instantly. The patient is still standing in front of me, so I let it go to voicemail.

[Caller] hangs up instantly and calls a third time. The patient is still in front of me. 

[Caller] hangs up instantly and calls a fourth time. The patient is still in front of me.

[Caller] gives up for about thirty seconds, giving me enough time to discharge the in-person patient and carry out some other duties. As I’m returning, the phone rings. It’s [Caller].

Whatever it is, if it’s not important enough to leave a voicemail about, it’s not important enough to pick up, right? For an instant, I’m tempted to let it go. But then Customer Service Helpfulness asserts itself.

Me: “[Dentist’s Office], this is [My Name], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hello, this is [Caller]. Remember me? I barged in yesterday and demanded an appointment. I also demanded service in Spanish, as my English is not good, requiring you to pull your coworker out of an ongoing dental operation so that I could get answers I felt comfortable with. It’s also why I’ve been calling endlessly instead of leaving a voicemail. In this way, I have disrupted your office for two days in a row.”

Me: “Thank you for that exposition. Yes, I remember you. We look forward to seeing you in an hour or so.”

Caller: “Can I postpone until next week?”

Customer: “Do you guys sell serotonin?”

Me: “Wait, you can just… buy that now?”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s for sleep.”

Me: “Wait, did you mean melatonin?”

Customer: “…Yeah. Maybe.”

Me: “Well… Melatonin is on aisle twelve. If you find serotonin, you come back and let me know because that stuff is in short supply around here!”