from antiques to bananas

There is so much on my mind today. Ah.. I had the most wonderful post in my head to write Sunday afternoon. We had gone antiquing in a small town about an hour away from us on Saturday. It was so pleasant. I thoroughly enjoyed the weather, the atmosphere and looking at all the antiques and 'uniques' that were available. I had all the verses ready and everything! Thoughts on how most of those items had once been treasured belongings of someone who probably is no longer with us...verses about not storing up treasures on earth, but in heaven...I could go on and on. It was quite a lovely post, if I do say so myself.

But it never made it to 'print'.

Sunday morning while we sat in church, the Boo became very sick. She had a headache. I gave her some Tylenol and sent her out to take it. It didn't touch her pain. I got worried fast. We left in the middle of the sermon... sorry 'Pastor J'. I gave her some Advil at home. Still nothing. I immediately said 'we're leaving' and we ran out the door for the children's hospital ER. They quickly ran tests on her to check for a multitude of things... ct, spinal tap (!!!) and blood work. She went from sitting in church and singing and acting normal to looking and acting like she was on death's door in a matter of a couple of hours. We were admitted overnight but all her tests came back negative. Praise God! She began to perk up Sunday night and we were discharged on Monday morning. So thankful to be home and taking care of a slightly ill child with a simple (yet nasty!) 'virus'.

There is so much to say and yet I can't quite put things into words. We are all exhausted and she is home with me today.. this week.. dunno. She will be home until she can move around freely without getting a headache and she returns to her perky self. Daddyman went to work today even though he's wiped out too. I've been scrubbing the house from top to bottom since we got home and I've been making sweets. Banana pudding and banana bread.

I had some bananas laying around. Can you tell? : )

that's my girl!

The Boo has been begging us to let her use some place on the net that lets you kind of chat and be anonymous etc...NOT myspace etc... and we finally let her do it after 'checking it out' and being assured that language was ok etc. Well... it didn't take long for the Boo to start coming to me saying she had 'words in her head that she wanted to say'. So the more I asked her about this, I learned what the deal was. Oh, they didn't show any dirty words alright... but the would just put a * for part of the bad word and go ahead and spell it right out. Well duh! The only thing that does is cause the mind to fill in the blank. So we had a good discussion about this whole thing and she couldn't wait to delete this site from her computer. Praise God. That's my girl! She has such a sense of right and wrong and doesn't even want to do anything that would draw her mind into a place that it doesn't need to go. There is something pure and holy about that! Why do we lose that as adults? We think we can 'handle' it etc, and then we fill our minds with more junk and wonder why we aren't close to the Most High and HOLY God. hmm I wonder why?!

Oh Father.. please teach us to want what is best and good and right and forsake all other!

seek and find

Today we worked on a history project for the Boo's school. We had to get pictures printed out of some landmarks and people etc. Well... I couldn't find one of the pics. We hunted high and low. I thought it was in the envelope with the others, but where did it go? I knew we had been to this place before, so I hunted through more of our personal pics to see if I had a suitable substitute. This hunting among boxes and photo albums and looking online and looking at what I have in digital pics took quite a while..making for one Grouchy Mom! We ended up settling for some pics I took during the early 80's (!!!) with an Instamatic camera that are super grainy. But they showed what she needed and even showed some extra things on the same property as this popular historical building in our state.

Later in the day, I couldn't find a recipe. A friend is sick and I'm going to take a meal to her. I wanted to take a meal I had previously taken to her before as it transports well, her family likes it and it makes two (!!!) meals.. bake one and freeze one for another day. But... I couldn't find the recipe. I hunted through my recipe books and my cooking magazines and everywhere else I stash recipes and came up empty. I was so frustrated. I hate not being able to find things. Grouchy Mom Part 2!

I began to ponder how much energy was put into looking for these unimportant (in the grand scheme of life, that is) items. These things had stolen my joy and made me a total grouch for a good bit of the day today. Look at all the effort and emotion poured into these simple items! I had to stop and wonder if I pour that much energy and drive into seeking after God? Sadly my answer was no. I had to seek forgiveness when that realization hit me. But thankfully God is merciful and forgiving.

Jeremiah 29:13 "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." - 'all my heart' certainly is a strong phrase. There are many other verses that I already have tucked into my frantic little brain that say this same thing. Kinda like thats something He wants us to hear and grasp, hmmm?! Father, please help me to seek after you earnestly!

Luke 14:26b "He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all that I said to you." - on a side note. I started looking for the recipe again after I had prayed, and put my hands on it the first place I looked! Father, thank you for bringing this simple thing to remembrance, so I can put it to rest... and make a yummy meal for a sick friend!

phone call

My dad is older and has one of those 'I've fallen and I can't get up' buttons. (different brand) Today a person from that place called me and told me he pushed the button and then didn't respond to them. This happened once before and he was outside picking up pecans. But I couldn't help but have many different images and scenarios running through my head as I drove over to his house to check on him. The idea of walking in and possibly finding him 'not doing so hot' so to speak, bothered me a little. Very un-nerving. Like I said.. many thoughts running through my head during the ride over.

I called a sibling on the way over and learned that Daddy was gonna mow the grass, so I began to think possibly this was another 'pecan thing'.. so my mind stopped racing somewhat. I arrived and found out that he had indeed been mowing the grass and the lawnmower bumped his 'button' and he was totally unaware of any concern he may have caused. So glad he was ok. Been a weird day.

Haven't posted much. Been sick with a cold. Been dealing with emotions and grief and school stuff w/the Boo and 'everything else'. I still don't have a new frig, but mine is holding its own right now. They broke mine trying to deliver it, so I have to wait for them to 'special order' me one. Glad mine is working NOW... something to be thankful to God for! We take everyday conveniences for granted til one of them breaks. I *will* be glad when the new one comes and I can return all the borrowed coolers that are in my dining room.. just in case though!

Have a blessed Sunday!

the seen and the unseen

What a difference a day makes! I am much better today. No circumstances have really changed, but I have. I am thankful for that. We had a very bad storm in the night and this morning driving to and from school I noticed downed fences, broken power poles, torn trees, branches in the road and general debris. I was reminded again of how awesome our God is. I try not to use the word 'awesome' for anything other than to describe God. He is! We throw words around so much.. that ice cream is awesome.. what an awesome sweater. Really?! No thanks. Only our God is awesome. I was just stunned by how powerful these storms were... and this was nothing compared to the many things we've all seen in the past. But still, it was a not-so-gentle reminder of Who God is! It just brought me to worship Him all the more on the drive home from school this morning. So often, instead of changing, or relieving our surroundings, he wants to change us and in so doing, relieve our distress.... in a different way than we sometimes 'want it' when we are in the thick of things and can only see what is in front of us, instead of the unseen. That's what God wants us to abide in.. the unseen. Thank you God for drawing me in last night and today to abide... to seek the unseen!

everything!

It just feels like EVERYTHING is crashing down on me! The Boo has been sick and is still sniffing but that's not a big deal. There are 'school stresses' going on daily. This is the 'anniversary' of Bubba's passing and burial. I am sick. I haven't been sleeping. And to top it all off, yesterday my frig started giving hints that it wants to go out. I did a few errands yesterday and came home exhausted only to turn around and go back out the door to buy dry ice to keep the food cold. Then today, the repair man comes and he can't find anything wrong with it. It wasn't 'doing it'.. not his fault.. but its just not giving him any hints right now. ugh! Went shopping to find a new frig. Confusing! Not crazy about any of my choices. Found a couple that I could live with. Research is hard.. so many brands, soo many model numbers etc. ugh! My head is splitting. And then there was the man at the store... so helpful and yet I was thinking 'not today'... how many people in your family (to assess how long the water filter will last). Three. Any other day I can handle that as its quite a common question. But today, I'm already stressed out and emotional and exhausted AND its 'anniversary time'. I had planned on purchasing new flowers for the grave yesterday, as that was 6 years since we buried him... but with all the refrigerator stuff, I feel like I haven't been able to do what I NEEEEED to do to deal with this time and I feel like I want to cry, but don't have time. I turned away from the salesman today and kept looking at different models and tried to blink away the tears and swallow the lump in my throat. I can usually handle this but I'm crying now. I don't cry often. But sometimes I need it and I haven't had the time or energy to deal with it. The hubby is stressed with work and I'm exhausted and we did take out last night. I hate to ask again. I am so tired. Too many things crashing down at once. Thank you Jesus for living in me even on a day like today...for giving life purpose when the stuff that suffocates us is anything but...for being a shoulder to cry on, on this crazy, rainy, gloomy, stressful day. No spell check. Horrible grammar, I'm sure. I gotta pull it together and get the Boo at school... oh yeah.. and blow my nose!

you know you're desperate when

I emailed this to a friend and thought it was too funny and umm too true not to share! So today's post is a no-brainer! Its slightly 'recycled'!

I have to set this up. I have been sleeping the sofa bed since I caught a cold. (I cough and blow and generally toss and turn and I don't want to keep hubby awake!) I have noticed that the foot end is a little higher than the head end. So I decided last night to lay the other way, but I was kinda facing the wall. Well, that kinda messes up laying there wide awake watching tv...you'd have to have eyes in the top of you head! Soo...you know you're desperate when.... you go digging around in your daughter's bathroom to find her medium sized hand mirror (at 11pm) so you can lay comfortably on your pillow and watch tv in the reflection of the mirror! It does work. From what I've 'heard'. And even sadder when you flip it to the magnified side 'just out of curiousity' to see if you can see the picture 'better'. You can't. Again.. thats just what I've 'heard'!

maturity monday!

The Boo got a whoopie cushion as a prize at a party and loves it. 'Nuff said.

homemade vs 'in the wrapper'

I bought groceries today.. otherwise known as emptying the bank account! I just about had a heart attack. Evvvverything is going up! I guess with all the gas woes right now...its all hitting the fan!

Today's bill was probably the highest bill I've ever had at the grocery store. Like I said, I just about died! I didn't buy a lot of 'special stuff'..after all, its not Thanksgiving or anything. But I got some cough medicine ($12) and more fresh veggies than my crisper drawer will hold. I can't even put a price on that. Disclaimer: the bell peppers were on sale CHEAP, but I bought a ton of them. Now I just need to get them eaten before they go bad. haha!

But the biggest kicker for me is the packaged stuff... you know.. the snacks! The chips, ice cream, cookies and those 'low fat' twinkie things that are two boxes of tiny cupcakes for $6...yes... SIX BUCKS! crazy. I can buy a cake mix and low fat it down and put a smidge of icing on it and get a bigger cupcake and the same amount of icing and it would cost waaaay less! But guess what... my family won't eat it! (I guess I'll know if hubby reads my blog today if he mentions this one, huh?!) If I home make something, for the most part, it just gets stared at...muffins, quick breads etc. But lets put it in a wrapper and they are THERE, ya know? Maybe the grocery bill today will make them rethink the current situation. But I just about got sick today. Even if he doesn't read the ole' bloggy, we'll be having a discussion about this. I don't think we can afford all the snacky snack stuff and all the essentials too... the way the prices are going!

On a different note.. The Boo has been spreading the love... er... germs! I came down with her Boo-giness's cold. ugh! And having asthma doesn't help! Its so not fun being awake all night unable to breathe. I hope I turn the corner soon. All I want to do is cradle my Kleenex box (ONLY the ones with lotion.. that is one thing we will NOT scrimp on! You gotta have priorities!) and sit in the rocking chair. I did that over the weekend, but we like to eat, so I ventured out to walk the isles of my wonderful, lovely "K".

Hopefully, tomorrow I will turn the corner and be able to breathe. In the meantime, I've got veggies to prep and twinkies to eat!

so precious

I was reading through the Psalms (in order!) in the mornings during the last months of Bubba's life. I did not get to read my Psalm for the morning of the 5th, as we were tied up with dealing with things and phone calls etc. So my morning reading on April 6 came as quite a shock to me. My reading for the 5th would have been Psalm 116. Little did I know what this Psalm held for me on this particular morning... so much of it spoke directly to me!

vs 5 "Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; Yes our Lord is compassionate." Yes, the Father was truly compassionate with us and with our son. He suffered little compared to what we were told to expect. His passing even came as a shock to his doctors and hospice workers because it was so quick! Evvvvveryone was expecting something long and horrendous. Well, thankfully, God had another plan!

vs 7-9 "Return to your rest, O my soul, for the Lord has dealt bountifully with you. For you have rescued my soul from death, My eyes from tears, My feet from stumbling. I shall walk before the Lord in the land of the living." I love that... He wants to rescue us from the grips of death...even in the midst of the 'valley of the shadow of death' He wants us to 'walk before the Lord in the land of the living'!

But the best was yet to be.... vs 15 says "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones." This verse just blew me away! I had read through Psalms before but never noticed this verse before. Precious... I had to be still and let all of that settle in. This was sad to me.. and yet its precious to God? I had not thought of that before....the way God sees a home going. I had thought of that word in regards to myself as an adult, when I finally could see myself as precious in His sight, but then to put that word with losing our son was hard. But quickly I began to see his death in a new light... something precious to God... something beautiful and holy and purposeful and sweet. It was like a personal message from the Father just for *me* to make double-double sure that I knew that our little one was safe in His arms! I could not have timed this or planned it in any way... so amazing and so precious to me!

on this day

Wow. Its been a long time. Six years ago today, our little one went to be with Jesus. He has been gone longer than we had him. Sometimes that thought is a little shocking to me. I look out the windows today and see the sun shining and the grass growing and its a beautiful day, just like it was six years ago. By the time we dealt with the physical reality of his leaving us, we had the whole day to ourselves...except for the phone ringing. I remember we ate out, but weren't hungry. I also remember going to the city library...for what, I have no idea. I just remember the library. And how odd it was to just take care of one child. Boo had just turned seven three weeks before, so she still needed assistance every now and then. But still, it was very odd, to go from having to buckle two kids into car seats, and pack a bag and everything else, to just walk out the door, in an eerily carefree manner. That was mainly what we experienced that day. Just the strangeness of our new 'normal'. It would take quite a while to be comfortable with it... sometimes were aren't sure that we are, even now.. other times, its strange how normal it really is. You feel sad when you feel one thing and bad when you feel another. Just a strange day. I am thankful for the weather being pretty today. It's so special to me that his home going day was a pretty one... one brimming with new life and the hope of spring. Praise God!

Mark 10:14-15
"But when Jesus saw this, He was indignant and said to them, "Permit the children to come to Me; do not hinder them; for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Truly I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it at all."

the last day

We lost our son on April 5, 2002, but really April 4 was his last day. We exhausted all our medical options in the fall of '01 after chemo, surgery, radiation and a transplant were unsuccessful. Sometimes people ask me about this time of year. Its hard to put into words sometimes. this is 'anniversary week' and so many thoughts wash over me at this time every year. There are many memories... sad and yet so precious. He was a sick little boy and we spent his last week not knowing when 'the end' would come. It hurt so bad to know that he hurt and I couldn't make it all go away. All I could do was pray. It's a very helpless and hopeless situation, if it weren't for God's grace day by day. So on the night of the 4th, we watched him and talked to him and played with him and enjoyed what little time we had left together. Sometimes he would smile and jabber and be silly and other times he would just lay on the couch watching tv. The Boo and I were sitting on the couch with him and just talking and telling him we loved him. It is a precious thought to me even now.. that time spent doing nothing in particular... just looking at him and all of us being together. In my mind I was wondering how many nights we would be repeating this process 'just in case'.

After taking a bath, and putting some meds on via a patch, Daddy and I and Bubba snuggled up in his bed and Daddy started reading bedtime stories to him, as was the nightly custom. We would always read books and then Bible stories to him. He had several favorite books and we of course, had to read the story that had the butterflies in it.. butterflies had become a favorite thing of his...especially one 'gween one' he always pointed out to us. But we always finished with things about God. The last story my hubby read was about the little children coming to Jesus. I can remember putting my head against the safety rail on his bed and crying... for me, for us, for him and finally because of what that story 'meant' to us that night.. that Bubba was going to be with Jesus soon! Perhaps very soon! I soon began to realize Bubba quite possibly was going to be with Jesus and released from His pain before morning. That brought more tears! He drifted off into a deep, deep sleep and went into a coma very quickly and slipped away from us and into the arms of Jesus around 4am on April 5th. Praise God!

the road ahead

Little did we know when we expanded our family from just one child, Boo, to our son, Bubba, what the road ahead held for us. He had health problems from the 'git go' as they say. He came home from the hospital on meds and took a med for one thing or another for the rest of his life! Just about the time we felt like things were leveling out and we could begin to see into the future without so many meds and inhalers etc, we got the shocking news in Jan 'o1 that he had cancer. And not just any cancer.. one of the nastiest that the childhood cancer 'world' can offer! 'They' said he had little 'chance' to survive... between 5 and 15%. Very scary! I learned early on not to pay close attention to 'the odds' because they were stacked against us. This was one of those times I had to just draw near to God and be still and listen. He had so much to say during those dark days. Giving hope when the doctors said it was pretty much hopeless....stamina when my body and mind just wanted to run away from the life we were forced into by his diagnosis... faith when all I could see before me was 'death' and not the 'laughing, playing, very much alive little toddler' I still had at my feet... strength to do 'what had to be done' sometimes - the ability to shave my own son's head (well, hubby did it, but I had to come to the place to agree with it first!), hold him down for pokes... I could go on and on. The road was one I had not anticipated but one He has used to make me who I am today and for that I am thankful.

Boo is for boogers!

The Boo is sick! She's got a cold.. or allergies.. I think its a cold. And just generally not feeling so hot right now. Doing lots of nose wiping and sniffing and icky stuff like that. I was thinking the other day about a pic I have of her about 10 months old. She had rotavirus (nasty pukey diarrhea thing.. hideous!!!) and was at the pedi hospital getting IV fluids as she was super dehydrated... they had to put an IV in her HEAD because by the time her pedi FINALLY decided she was sick enough to be admitted (and we called her earlier than she had told us to and just said WE'RE GOING and for her to call the hospital for us!) almost all her veins had collapsed. Anyway.. she looked BAD... (I kinda laugh at that thought now, having seen what 'bad' *really* looks like.. but 'to that point in our lives' she looked bad).. and I wanted to take her picture to document how crummy she was feeling.. had not sat up in bed for a day.. just laying there all lethargic and droopy eyed etc. Well I turn on the camera and she pops up on one knee (she was in a metal, hospital baby bed) and peeks over the rail with her little 'two-tooth' grin! What a stinker. But that is her... most of the time that is her disposition... SMILE! :-D But she bounces back pretty quick from things most of the time. So I hope she's back to her usual, silly self soon! I don't like sick kids of any kind. I've seen too much of it for any mom to ever have to endure... and I know there are those that have seen worse than us. Too sad! Get well, little Boo!

What has happened?

What has happened to the Sabbath? Life goes on day in and day out including Sundays. We've gone from the Blue Law to the Christian book store being open in between services. And Christians who have an inkling of an idea of trying to observe the Sabbath are caught in the middle. In the middle of 'hey, lets go out to eat after church'... or 'the birthday party at the loud, recreation complex is on Sunday, can she come?'... or even more subtle... 'I am tired and don't feel like cooking tonight'. So what is the Christian family to do? How can we reclaim this Holiest of days? How can we observe, what is for the most part, inside the church, lost? If I say anything about not doing this or not doing that on Sunday among my church going friends, I get strange looks. Strangely people who do not go to church seem to 'understand' more than those who do. Why is that???

Isaiah 58:12-14
13"If because of the sabbath, you turn your foot From doing your own pleasure on My holy day, And call the sabbath a delight, the holy day of the LORD honorable, And honor it, desisting from your own ways, From seeking your own pleasure And speaking your own word, 14Then you will take delight in the LORD, And I will make you ride on the heights of the earth; And I will feed you with the heritage of Jacob your father, For the mouth of the LORD has spoken." (italics mine)

Why isn't doing what pleases God a delight...in this matter or any other? Lord help us find our delight in You!