just a little cooking and health and vcd update all in one

Last night and this morning I made out the grocery list for the early part of the week. And since today it is very cold (unlike yesterday when it was down right delightful..almost 80*), I thought soup would fit the bill for dinner. I've been making lots of soup. Growing up we called it stew but I think it's more of a soup, but whatever. Last week I made some soup. Found it on Pinterest. Healthy delicious bla bla bla. And it was terrible. Hubs made a pbj and I didn't want the leftovers and threw them out.

So today when I was making out the list, I reminded myself of the words of my oncologist at my last visit recently. Eat simple and healthy. It doesn't have to be all this out there kind of stuff. Just eat simple. So that's what I'm going to do today. I love the soup I've made forever...with a few healthy additions. It was already healthy whole food, but I add a few more things now. I'm thankful that his words pop into my head when I'm tempted to get a little carried away.  And as my folks used to say on occasion... if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Lesson learned. No more 'fancy' soup. : )

And also, VCD is an ever present 'friend'. Sometimes it's a friend that I hardly notice. Easy breathing. Love it. And other times, I have to remind myself to take a chill pill and breathe. So because of that, I have been slowing things down in the kitchen and not trying to go all out when simple (and healthy) will git 'r done.

I was able to call this morning and cancel my last speech appointment. I skipped (part of the plan) last week but had this week in my back pocket just in case. But I called this morning and cancelled. Woo hoo. Glad I'm far enough along and life has been able to return to some normalcy...even though there are those times I have to stop and 'do some breathing' to get things back on track.

And also...just something I can't remember if I shared this or not..regarding my last onc appointment. I am so happy to report that my tumor marker went DOWN an entire point. Woo hoo. I was always well in the safe zone but I like to see it going backwards! I credit the sauna for this...along with eating healthy and the other healthy things I do. And I had only been going in for about 6 weeks when I had my onc appointment. Will be interesting to see what happens after 6 months. Also thankful that my breathing is allowing me sauna time again.

I had done a drug therapy thing with the crunchy dr for about 9 months and I was super unhappy with where I was physically...even though it was supposed to be very cancer protective for me...so I pulled the plug a good while back.  I was nervous to stop on it even though it wasn't really helping me. That made me extra grateful for the downward turn in my numbers this time around.

So that's a fun little update and a reminder to keep it simple and healthy. Your bod (and your sanity) will thank ya for it. : )

here we go again with the VCD stuff...

I think I am finally making some headway. Finally.

When I would go to speech therapy she would comment on getting on the floor and doing belly breathing and then I should be ok for a while and maybe have to come back later and do it again to get back to center etc. I was all 'do what?' because as soon as I would get up, I would be struggling again.

I went to therapy Tuesday and once again we started the session on the table breathing. And then we talked more about changes I could make at home to help relieve stress.

And then Wednesday came and I had a massage. {cue angelic music}

Wednesday's massage was with the owner and was very different from the one last week. There was more stretching and she worked specifically on opening up my rib cage. And from then on I was breathing better.

And since Wednesday I could do some breathing on the floor and really get up and enjoy some 'good time' when I wasn't solely focused on breathe in, breathe out. Lather rinse repeat. Also I have been adding in some chamomile tea and some passionflower tea...both of which are very calming and stress relieving.

I am not there yet. Not by a long shot. But I am finally improving and that is encouraging to me.

Can't wait for early next week. Another massage. And perhaps this week, my speech therapist will release me.

So I am making the move from surviving to thriving. One breathe at a time. One speech session at a time. One massage at a time. One cup of tea at a time.

I am looking forward to putting this chapter of my health behind me. Except for the massage part. I'm hanging on to these gals. : )

the massage

So I went for a massage Friday. I will start with, yes it was nice. I told the hubs that I will want to continue those even after I get well. Made hi$ day. ; )

I went to a small place...my daddy would have called it a hole in the wall joint. It is located in the 'old'/historic area of one of the suburbs near me in a converted house. The waiting area 'out front' is really the old living room. And behind the front desk, is the kitchen etc. Not super fancy but very clean and well appointed for the task. And the entire office and their therapy is very medically oriented which is what I need. Kind of like a compliment to speech therapy. Another therapy.

I met my therapist and she took me to a room. We chatted about what was going on with me and talked about what she wanted to do etc. And the best level of undress. So I undressed and crawled on the HEATED table (yes please) and under the covers..and cradled the pillow she had for me. I can't lie flat on my tummy so she modified everything to make it more comfortable. One shoulder side and then the other. And then some time on my back while she reached under and worked on my neck and back some more and then my neck and arms from my back. It did hurt some, but I am tied up in tense knots. She was barely applying pressure at times and it was still touchy but it was ok. I asked her to lighten up her touch a few times, but I also tried to balance that with her trying to do her job on me.

This week I am going to see the owner because she works on people differently than the girl I had last week. And one of the guys there is great with neck work, so I may end up seeing him at some point. I am more comfortable with all of 'it' since I've been there and met them. I don't think I would feel too weird having a man work on me at some point. I think both the males that work there are super good and very ethical workers. So if I need a guy at some point, I can be open to that.

Did it help? Yes. But not long term. I'm simply not loosened yet. But I could see that it did help some. I am thinking about dropping the crunchy dr for this because it's quite expensive to go to him and then there is massage on top of his fee. Yikes. I can replace him with a chiropractor that takes my insurance and then I'm down to the cost of the massage. (and drop the acupuncture part) Much better. I can get many massages for one crunchy dr office fee. (we file and get a minimal amount back, so it is always a consideration). It's not that I don't love him, I just can't afford that every week or two.

My therapist noted that one part of my shoulders was supposed to be pointing in another direction but it was pointed at her. My muscles have pulled my bones way out of whack. And she said that chiro is very complimentary to this work because she can pull my muscles to where they belong and watch them go right back because of the bones. I have a couple of good leads on a chiro. One very near by and the other about a half hour away. Next door to crunchy dr, coincidentally. And his chiro, coincidentally. So I know he is good. So those are all things that may take place in the future.

I have some good moments. Few. I can get relaxed when I lie down and breathe easier but as soon as I get up it's a struggle again. Boo.  I also quit my scrip for sleep and melatonin is doing the trick and I am able to fall asleep decently. So that's an improvement. I know I will get there. It is just hard. Sometimes I really want to just cry..and I have...but it makes my breathing worse. But I have faith that I will get there. Keep praying for me. Hugs and love, my friends. : )

boring VCD update

Another boring update on my VCD...this is mainly for me so I can remember everything. But feel free to follow along. ; )

So the past week and a half haven't been so great. I had therapy Tuesday and it was mainly discussing what I'm already doing and thinking about some things differently. She set me up to have four additional sessions, because I have all the mechanics 'but I'm not there yet'. yeah.

Right after my therapy session, I called my crunchy dr to see about coming in for another adjustment and some more acupuncture. So I did that. The acupuncture was much more comfortable this time than last. Needle placement different. Weird, but much better. He also wanted me to do some saline nebulizer treatments to moisten things up. I tried it some tuesday and yesterday but breathing out of my mouth makes me feel like I'm hyperventilating by the time the neb treatment is over. Say it with me...in through the nose and out through the mouth. I caught myself doing that with my neb and that's not going to do me much good. lol

Then yesterday my VCD was out of control. And I cried off and on all day. Several reasons. Some of which I can't go into here, but I also read that things can be worse the next day after acupuncture including being weepy and feeling worse.  So I don't know what to make of that.

And today is better. So maybe it has to get worse before it can get better. I dunno.

I have been taking a scrip that is really for drainage every night to help me sleep. I wasn't very fond of needing to do that. So last night I took a melatonin and hoped for the best. I was able to rest decent. Cat was tearing around on the bed and that woke me up. I also woke up with a headache in the middle of the night. Not surprising since I was awake/asleep/awake/asleep several times. I didn't really want to 'take' anything so I took some ginger. On an empty stomach. Which might have been a mistake. Feeling off today, even though my breathing is better.

Tomorrow I am getting a massage. I'm hoping I don't have to go through the same 'next day is worse' routine like I just passed through. My speech therapist encouraged me to get a massage at a place like Massage Envy which is a chain. They were kind of afraid of me. So I found a place in a nearby suburb that specializes in dealing with people with medical issues through massage. Much better fit. That is tomorrow morning bright and early. Kind of excited but nervous too. Kind of awkward. Never had a massage. Never really wanted a massage. But I also want to breathe.

She also recommended that I look into restorative yoga which is fancy for a lot of breathing with some manipulatives. I looked into it but I was not comfortable with it and knew I would not be able to 'relax'. So I am passing on that one. Kinda dread having to tell her I skipped out on that.

My therapist is a breathing nerd so she has done many of these things and overcome many challenges in regards to her own voice in her lifetime. She is such a sweetie.  This really isn't a journey I would wish on anyone but I'm thankful there are people like her with the knowledge to help.

don't clear your throat

I went to speech therapy today. And the biggest take away from today was DON'T CLEAR YOUR THROAT. When I do that, my VC bang into one another. And I do it the whole stinkin' day long. Don't be me. lol

So she got me a small bottle of water to swallow I sip with all the gunk...instead of clearing my throat. Helps. Some. I think clearing my throat is a habit just because I have a lot of gunk from allergies.

We walked around a little bit and did some 'rescue breathing'..this time one sniff in and three pursed exhales, lather rinse repeat. Helps. And she let me feel around her middle to see what proper breathing is supposed to feel like so I can feel it on me too. Yes we probably looked like a weird pair walking around outside holding each other around the middle, but at this point, who cares. LOL

And she showed me how to feel the anatomy of my throat and do some different massage techniques at different points. Interesting..again...more than I ever wanted to know about my throat. lol

But she feels like I am making progress. Slowly. But I'm getting there. She is encouraged by where I am today. And that encouraged me.

She did tell me she is going to amend my care plan to include two more sessions just to get me more comfortable and get me across the finish line.

I adore my therapist. : )

PS..when I spelled "swallow" up there, I accidentally spelled it "swaller" which was immediately followed by a 'you might be a redneck' joke inside my head. ; )

update on my vocal cords

I'm learning more about my vocal cords than I ever wanted to know.

Did you know that clearing your throat makes your VC bang into one another?

Did you know that by learning a certain swallow technique, you can massage your VC?

Did you know that sniffing with your nose (two or three times) opens your VC?

Did you  know that sitting and leaning over so that your tummy is touching your thighs forces the rest that the upper body needs and also forces the diaphragm to work?

Did you know that the 'trick' to teaching the VC to relax is prolonged exhalation coupled with some inhalation tricks?

Did you know that sniffing a couple of times, then pursing your lips like you're blowing out a candle with a long exhale can relieve some of the severity of the weird hyperventilating kinda stuff I've dealt with?

Did you know that with VCD, lying on the floor and attempting to relax, helps the diaphragm to kick in and help relieve the stress up top? (including the double sniff and slow audible exhale thru the pursed lips)

ME NEITHER!

As you can see, speech therapy has been an enlightening experience.

I can say that perhaps today, so far I have not felt horrid. I call that a win at this point. I did my stretching and floor belly breathing before I did errands this morning and I didn't feel like a basket case while I was gone. Was I still short of breath much of the time? Yes. But it was't over the top.  And I could do some rescue breathing ("blowing out the candle") and not feel just completely awful.

I am also learning that I am extremely "tight" in my shoulders and upper body and trying to remind myself to gently stretch certain muscles when things start going south.

I mentioned to my therapist this week that it's been a long haul for me because this has been going on for about six weeks. She said yeah but its only been six weeks. I wanted to slap her. ; ) But then she said she had a patient that had it for two years because nobody knew what it was. So yeah, only six weeks. I would seriously have lost my mind in two years time.

But thankfully I am beginning to see tiny little rays of sunshine every now and then peeking through the dark clouds that have been all I could see for a while. : )

learning to breathe

So I've been sick. About a month ago I started having pretty severe trouble with my asthma, so I immediately went to my gp, who did a steroid shot and sent me home. She said that if I didn't get better, we would need to do a chest xray...which I was so hoping to avoid. But my breathing problems did not go away, so I got a chest xray. Which was normal...praise God! But I continued to have problems. So my gp wanted to send me to a pulmonologist but I couldn't find one near me taking patients so along the way I discovered that I might need to see an ENT. I saw her and she immediately sent me to an allergy asthma dr she trusts. He treated me for my asthma being out of whack and for about ten blissful days, I was symptom free.

But the the trouble started creeping back. My allergist told me if I started feeling like things weren't going well, to call because he wanted to listen to me when it was really bad. So I called. And he listened. And he backed away from listening to MY THROAT and exclaimed that he thought he figured out the real source of my problem. My vocal cords. I was all do what??? Vocal cord dysfunction...or VCD as it's called for short.

So he sent me to speech therapy which I visited last week for the first time. One of the first things she told me was that I was "lucky" enough to have found a dr that even knows what this is! And for only the second time during all of this, I have felt a ray of hope that I can be helped. You see...my vocal cords are shutting instead of opening when I breathe.  And because of all of that, my body is doing some strange things. Like using my shoulders and my chest muscles (that's a funny one) to breathe instead of my belly. So unless I am lying down, my belly muscles don't do any of the work of breathing. Its exhausting. And I constantly feel short of breath. Every once in a great while, I feel like I got a good breath with much stretching and contorting.

I am leaving out plenty in this story. Stuff like going to the ER with this and being told at one point by a nurse at my gp's office "so what if I give you the results of your xray today or not, you still won't be able to breathe" after listening to me beg (!!!) to hear my xray result on the same day it was done. And being discouraged from visiting the ER by another nurse at my gp. Mind you neither of these people are even remotely thinking about the fact that I am gasping for air. And neither had a clue what was wrong with me. (jerks) And it had been for a time by then.

So yes, it's been a very slow journey. I learned exercises for my shoulders and neck first and now some breathing exercises. She said it takes a minimum of a month to figure this all out and get relief. I am exhausted and at the end of my breathing rope. This has been and continues to be an incredibly difficult journey. Please pray for me. I appreciate it.

Project Life App

I have been a scrap booker since my kids were little.

I've gone from trying to 'do' every. single. picture when they were little...because hello...every single pic was so cute when they were little, to just trying to do vacations.

And even that can be overwhelming. 300-500 pics for a one week vacation. Yes, I pick through and find the best ones, but sometimes ya just want to show different ones for different reasons. And even picking just the best stuff, y'all that's still A LOT of photos.

And a lot of time. And a lot of effort. (And a lot of mess.)

And guess what...all of that stuff is in short supply around here.

So the other day I saw that Project Life has an app for Apple now.  So I downloaded it.

And y'all..I don't EVEN know where to start with this.

It's easy.  It's fun. It's cheap. (app is $2.99) And best of all, IT'S FAST.

As in, since I got it just a couple of days ago, I've made five (!!!) really cute pages. That's five more pages than I've managed to complete in lo a many years, my friend. I haven't been this excited about anything scrap book related in YEARS.

I have wanted to 'go digital' for a long time because of the less mess and less paper, but they are always so complicated. But guess what...this is an app! It's easy! It fits in the palm of my hand. I can do it anywhere.  Did I tell you it's easy? I started playing with it and right away I had it figured out and was creating something really cool and fun. I also love that the app comes with four very different 'kits' with very different color palettes of 'papers'. As in...I can create for a while with just what came in the app. But other kits are available and they are cheap too....99 cents and $1.99 is not bad. And after that, they are mine to use over and over..unlike a special sticker or piece of paper that once I've stuck it down, it's used forever.

Once pages are done, they can be saved to my camera roll, posted on all manner of social media or just about anything else you would want to do with them. They can also be uploaded to places like Persnickety Prints for printing. Y'all...they print an 8 X 8 square page for 99 cents. (you can also print a 12 inch square for slightly more, btw) I can't print photos and buy papers and do it all for a buck!

This isn't a sponsored post, by the way. I just think this is so cool.

OK...I'll shut up now so we can look and some fun scrap book pages, k?

Cute, right? : )

unexpected gift

I never win contests. Except for one time I won Six Flags tickets over the radio when I was a kid. So there was that. But no other time have I won a contest. : )

Also, I feel like such a bad blogger. Not only do I not update my own blog very often, I've gotten pretty lax in commenting as well. It makes me feel so bad, but it all takes time. And lots of things in life are taking time these days.

So the other day I happened to be visiting Cheryl Barker's blog and commented to enter a contest. Never intending to win.  But I did! What a fun surprise! And thanks to a strange email mix-up, I didn't find out about it until my birthday, which was an extra sweet surprise! : )

So thank you Cheryl, for making my birthday just a little more special! : )

Hugs and love, y'all!

allergic

Yesterday I got allergy tested.  My only experience with it was back in the ye olden times when Bub got tested. He was the youngest patient his allergist had ever tested and given shots. And they helped tremendously.

So I decided to give it a whirl since my asthma really bothers me sometimes. And there are only so many oral meds and inhalers available. (and Bub got to the point that he didn't need any of it)

I signed all the paperwork and changed out of my top and soon the nurse came in with all the prinklies. It was uncomfortable but not painful. And I didn't have any intense reactions, so the experience overall wasn't too bad.

But I found out I'm allergic to a lot of molds. And some trees. And plenty of animals. Including dogs. And cats. Don't worry. We won't be showing Annabelle the door...she's our baby. And I'm totally not surprised that I was allergic to her. I've know it for years. Maybe the shots will help with all of that and more.

Either way, I might as well not have a cow about all of this. Because I'd be allergic to it, too.

Something I'm not allergic to? Roaches. So...what am I supposed to do with that tidbit? Pet roach anyone? : p

Good times.

Sauna time

It's summer. It's hot. It's like a sauna.

Not really. Because I know what I sauna is like. Because I just got one. : )

Yes..really! 

It's not what you think though. It's not the multi-levels of wooden seating wrapped in a towel a la tv. Although those do exist. It's more of a wooden frame with reflective walls and lights for the heat. Kinda like the ones at McDonalds to keep the food warm. I'm not kidding. It's called near infrared. It has six bulbs that shine on the lone occupant of the sauna..me. : ) But the walls reflect light all over. So not only is there benefit from the heat generated by the bulbs themselves, there is actual benefit from the light. It is low EMF, which is a good thing. But it penetrates the skin and that is an added benefit. Another benefit to near infrared vs the conventional way, is that the temperatures are greatly reduced...like from 150 to 175 (or higher) to around the 100 to 120 range. With the same plus added benefits. 

I have known that saunas are a good thing for a while because like most people know, you sweat in it. And that releases toxins from the body. Which is good. Of course. But after I got sick, I began to realize that detox in the tip of the sauna iceberg, so to speak.

Not only do they release toxins, they heat the body a few degrees, which actually attacks things like viruses and candida (hello summer problem!) and weakens cancer cells directly, it raises the heart rate, it reduces inflammation which helps with all manner of diseases including arthritis, workout issues and cancer, rejuvenates skin, enhances circulation and aids in weight loss. Those are just some quick things that I remembered from all my reading. There are other benefits as well. 

But I'm sure you can begin to see why it is of particular interest to me. 

It arrived in the mail in kit form around dinner time Friday. (Grr you, UPS. Would have preferred putting it together in the afternoon, rather than into the night Friday night). But we did get it all put together by around 10:30 Friday night.  It took four hours if you include a quick froyo run for the hubs. He deserved a break after all that work. We got it built and turned it on to make sure it worked and went to bed. I got up Saturday morning and had my first sauna session. Feels a little bit like roasting on a spit. The user has to turn every so many minutes. I used an old interval app for my timer and I was set to go. I am starting with about 15 minutes total right now, changing every three minutes. Front, side, back, other side, front. I will increase my times as I get more acclimated to this, which shouldn't take very long. I will work up to going all the way around and including the front and back twice and also doing those two stations a minute or so longer than the sides. I did sweat pretty well Saturday, given it was my first time in it.

Later yesterday, I found a nice app that is an interval timer but it allows music to be played at the same time and tried it out this morning. It didn't work out as well as yesterday without it because I had my sounds volume turned down too far and I couldn't hear the turn alerts over the music, so I was in and out of the sauna a few times getting it all worked out. But I think I have all the settings working correctly for this now and tomorrow should run smoother. I was bummed that I didn't sweat today. I was plenty hot but I didn't get sweaty. I guess the in and out of cool air and letting cool air into my little box didn't really help. Boo. 

And unlike being wrapped in a towel (like tv) or wearing a swim suit like one would have to do using a sauna at a fitness center, I have decided just to wear a pony tail holder. ; ) Its easier than dealing with clothes and part of the benefit is the light anyway. And I'm by myself, so why not. I put on one article of clothing that covers me while getting ready and then just shed it and put it under my little stool while I do my time. And when time is up, I can just dry off and put it back on. Works nicely not to have to buy something specific for the purpose. 

So yes, summer is hot. But the sauna is hotter. 

***Should I disclaim? Ok, I will. No, I didn't get this sauna for review. I got it because I bought it myself. And also, I'm not promising this thing will heal everything from your dandruff to your ingrown big toenail. End of the disclaiming. ; ) ***

the nip story

I read a local news story today about tattooing new nipples on women that have undergone reconstruction surgery. And it just got me to thinking.

Most of the time I don't miss them. And other times I do. It's not a lot of fun to lose a lot of weight but then wait to put on clothes to see how ya look. I try hard not to look in the mirror while dressing etc. It's amazing how much I can avoid seeing even though I'm standing right in front of my reflection.

It's easier that way.

I read the story but the video wouldn't work. Someone in the comments mentioned a 'famous' tattoo artist that only does these types of tats now. And it's called....getting a vinny. So I googled it. And I was amazed. Not that I try to stare at nipples all the time. I spent my whole life trying not to look cold, if ya know what I mean. I read stories about him and watched several news pieces about him.

And I cried.

I miss me. The old me. The whole me. The girl that didn't have to get her girls out of a box. And order bras off Amazon. I still don't think I would reconstruct. It just doesn't seem to fit with other goals I have for myself. It's a very personal decision. One that any woman facing this has to make for herself. There are times I wonder if I will change my mind on the issue. Just. Don't. Know.

But I do know that wholeness isn't measured by whether I have breasts or nipples. It's measured by who I am inside.

Maybe I should get *that* tattooed on me.  : )

Edited to add...no tats for me. It's the thought that counts.  : )

follow up or p.s. or something

As a follow up to my last post, I thought I would let y'all in on what's happened since....in the bra department. So..I got 'fitted' for a new ("leisure") bra at the bra store. I also asked them to tell me the name of the SECOND bra I ever ordered from them, which is beige. It is also the third bra I ordered from them because I ordered another one when I saw how well it fit. This is the same bra that I could never get a clear answer from in the past about whether it was discontinued or they just wouldn't or couldn't get it anymore. Well, the girl gave me the name and code etc of the bra. I come home and pull my first white bra out of the closet to check the tag. THIS is the bra she gave me the info on. I have to say I was pretty furious. It just made. me.  mad. I felt like I was back at square one. I didn't call the store because frankly I just didn't want to talk to them.

I had been lamenting all of this to my friend Amy (at Wade's World...I would add a link but I got a new computer..an Apple..and I don't know how to do that yet..duh) and she suggested looking on Amazon. So I had been browsing and found a few that I had tried on in the store and a few that looked like they might be possibilities etc. But my eye kept coming back to this one certain one. So much so that I jumped out of bed..yes I shop for bras with my ipod in bed...and grabbed one of my favorite old beige bras so I could compare. The more I compared the more excited I got. And then I went and grabbed a magnifying glass. Cuz I'm an old lady. ; ) And could barely make out the faded style number on the tag...and it matched the one on Amazon. I was elated!

I ordered three the very next morning. They are exactly the same as the ones I loved from the bra store and they fit perfectly. And under any shirt, thankyouverymuch.

This whole thing has left an even worse taste in my mouth for the bra store. Because I have asked specifically about this bra at several fittings and have felt like I was getting the run around about it. I've been in sales, so I understand that if you can't get something, you try to steer your client toward something you CAN get. But at the same time, when we've tried on bra after bra and I've left the store empty handed and upset...or wearing something they know is ill fitting...you'd think they would care more about making somebody happy and creating a positive experience for the client, rather than just the bottom line.

 But I did order a leisure bra, as they call it, and it arrived. I got them the day before the good bras came in the mail from Amazon.  But frankly it's not all that comfortable. It creeps up which drives me out of my mind. Short trip. Those will do for back up and just to give my chest a rest but they are by far, not the most comfortable just because it moves around a bit and there is more fabric, which is frankly HOT in the summer. And since it's cotton, it kind of sticks to my clothes and makes me have to adjust my clothes a lot. bleh.

So where does this leave me? Well, I have three new bras that fit and look great...no thanks to the bra store. I thought about complaining to them, but opted not to say anything. I will continue to use the bra store from time to time and I really need a working relationship with them.

So as the popular song says, I just...let it go. : )

a crabby patty kinda day

I don't even know where to start. I guess I could first say 'hi'. And I've missed you all. I miss blogging but at the same time, I draw a blank often times when I sit down to write. Or I think of plenty to write while on the walking track at the gym but have little time to devote to my topic of the day. 

Anyway, here I am. And I think it's good to say "I'm fine". Really I am. 

But some days just kick me in the teeth and make me wonder why I didn't cry 'uncle' long before now. 

There's a lot going on...my hormones are all out of whack, which is to be expected. But they got a little more whacked out. And I really (really!) need some estrogen but I'm afraid to take some. Two doctors have proposed what they say is a safe way for me to get a little boost, but they don't agree on what is best. So I am stranded somewhere in the middle. 

I've about decided to take door number three. Which is do nothing, (which was a viable option when I talked to the nurse practitioner at my gyn's office) and wait for my body to sort of repair itself and bounce back. All the while feeling like I have a yeast infection. 

You're welcome for the fun times imagery there. : ) 

So there is that. It's been an ongoing thing for about three months now, healing what *was* a yeast infection and now just being really messed up. Down there. Wink wink. So it's come down to this...and which door to walk through. And all of them except do nothing carry some risk. But offer the most immediate healing. Ugh. Not an enviable position to be in. 

And then I went bra shopping today. Not fun. They stopped carrying the brand that kinda fits me. I tried on a hand full of bras...all the ones the shop carried...and none of them fit. I ended up buying (well my insurance did) what they call a leisure bra. Nice for Sunday afternoons or stay at home days. Looks way better under my clothes than some of the regular support bras she tried to sell me on.

I always wear a really simple top when I go try on, so I can slip my top back on and get an idea of what the bra looks like with clothes. I was shocked at how horrible they all looked. Very lumpy and bizarre. When I commented on how bad it looked under my clothes, she said "well if you're going to wear a shirt like THAT'. ??? My wardrobe is already drastically reduced because of all of this...I just couldn't stand to be told that I couldn't even wear a basic top. 

Adulthood? None of this was in the brochure. 

We are having salmon croquettes for dinner. Or as we like to call them, crabby patties. Today it's appropriate. ; )  Thanks for listening to me fuss and complain chronicle my 'journey'...some days it feels like smooth sailing and other days I feel like I've been pushed off a cliff. But I guess it's all a part of the trip.

Hugs and love, my friends. : ) 

12 years

Twelve years ago tonight, we kissed our little guy goodnight for the last time. He woke up in the arms of Jesus early in the morning.

It still hurts. A part of my heart still swells with ache when I recall those last days and the days following. And yet now as the years have gone by, it seems more settled. Less of a piercing and more of just an ache.

But still an ache.

The hurt is less extreme. There was less dread this year. I know part of the reason for that is that I now live in the shadow of not just what this awful disease has done to another person, but what it can do to me. And I to live every day with the realization that none of us are guaranteed a tomorrow.

And yet if we are His, we are guaranteed more than a tomorrow…we know He’s made a way for our eternity. So thankful for that.

Hugs and love to you, sweet one. We do still miss you and wonder all the what if’s. But we are thankful there is one thing we don’t have to wonder about. Your forever.

Love, Mommy

happy stuff

I went to the gym today in SHORTS and did not freeze. I may have blinded a few people temporarily with all the bright shining light from my snow-white legs. But other than that, it was good to be out and about wearing something lightweight and comfy. I know winter isn’t over yet and will surely show it’s ugly cold head, but I take what I can get when I can get it.

I took my kitty back to the vet today to get her kidneys checked out. Again. This was just a recheck to make sure everything was still grooving along the way it’s supposed to. She did a quick test and we waited for the results. And then she called her a miracle kitty again. Her labs are looking better than ever. And she’s gained 3 ounces. So it’s all good in the kitty hood right now.

I made baked flautas and what started out to be a mango salsa but was more of a veggie and fruit Mexican salad after I added everything but the kitchen sink. The girl and I both loved it. All the bites were eaten.

I’m still loving my NutriBullet. Love-ing! I am finishing a green smoothie while I write this.

See, happy stuff. I like that.

snow day

It’s snowing. I think a list is in order today.

1. Hubs had a wreck a few miles from home on the way to work this morning. (he’s fine!)

2. He called to tell me.

3. Calls not long after he leaves the house are NEVER a good sign.

4. But the fact that I was talking to him was a start in knowing that at least HE was ok.

5. It was only a fender bender. But he’s been on the phone all morning getting things in order to get it fixed.

6. He ended up driving the girl to school…and will pick her up when it’s over later this morning.

7. I was supposed to go to the grocery store this morning…but we can make it. I’ve got enough fresh stuff to get us by.

8. I am making a vegan broccoli ‘cheese’ soup for lunch. (for the girl and I..he will likely have a PB&J)  I made it for myself the other day to test out the recipe and it was soo good. Surprisingly. Pinterest is a wonder, that’s all I can say.

9. I’m not a winter girl. I’m ready to start shopping for real estate in Florida for my ‘winter home’. And I guess I can shop for my summer home in Colorado while I’m at it. ; )

10. When I woke up this morning, I checked WeatherBug on my iPod and it said our ‘feels like’ temp was –1. All I could think of was..what the hey??? This is Texas. It’s not supposed to get ‘minus’ anything here.

Dear Winter…I’m done.

Bush 43

So after being a Debbie Downer in my last post, I thought I would update again and tell you about the great day we had the day after Christmas. We loaded up the car and headed to Dallas to George W. Bush’s Library and Museum.

And it did not disappoint.

I had the idea to make this post because it was such a fun day but when I looked through my pics, I realized I didn’t take very many. I don’t know what was wrong with me. It was a teensy bit crowded and sometimes that makes it hard to take pics of just what you want..without lots of other people ‘ruining’ the pic. I really regret not taking pics of a single one of Laura’s beautiful gowns. Trust me..stunning! She is such a classy lady though, she could wear a feed sack and make it look like couture.

One of the big reasons I wanted to go at Christmas was because of the special displays during the holiday. This is the tree filled with ornaments that hung in the White House… I’m thinking 2002. The year the theme was ‘home for the holidays’. The tree was beautiful.

A little snippet up close.

 

Mt Vernon. I took at pic of that one because we’ve visited that one, so it felt a bit more familiar than the other homes. They were all beautiful.

I especially loved this quote. Sadly the America that so many people have fought and died for seems to be slipping away. This line of thinking is unheard of in today’s White House. (stepping down from soap box now)

There is a walk through replica of the oval office. It was packed with people (walking around the edges of the room is allowed) so it was impossible to get a good pic. So this is all I got…

See what I mean.

They had a photographer taking pics of people sitting at the desk. My girl and her boyfriend got pics together there. So I’ve got that. : )

The ceiling.

We had a great day. It was beautiful out that day and we enjoyed our visit. Highly recommend it if you visit Big D. : )

And now for something completely different. This is the girl opening her Christmas presents. Christmas before last I made ‘hot dog’ pillowcases for several of her friends, but just made one for her from scraps I already had in my sewing box. It was cute but it wasn’t something I picked just for her. And I kinda felt like I owed her one since I did it for everybody she knows. So I found some cute and happy kitty fabric and made this for her. Since she’s a teen and sleeps like…A LOT…I was able to make this right under her nose without her being aware of it. : ) It was a fun surprise for her.

Have a great day, y’all. : )

in my rear view mirror

So thankful to be on the back side of the holidays. I am always glad when the tree and all the decorations are put away and with it, all the sadness and unfulfilled expectations of ‘the perfect holiday’ can go too.

I lost my mom a few months before Christmas, a few weeks after we found out Bub wasn’t going to make it. That was a somber holiday. We tried to be festive. We tried to keep things exactly the same. We picked out ornaments with each kid just like always. But we had Bub pose with his, because we knew it would go into the attic and the next time we pulled it out, he would be gone. It was hard to muddle through and not behave like all these things were going on. But we tried our best and I think we did ok.

We lost him in April, as most of you know.

So along with the thankfulness that Christmas with all it’s mixed emotions is behind, comes the little ache in my heart, knowing that spring is just around the corner. I love spring. And yet it’s when we lost our little fella. Everything is a mix these days. Joy to the world along with knowing my mom (and now dad too) and my little Bub are with Him for the holiday and every day.

A while back I had an epiphany. When I was growing up, Christmas was perfect and wonderful and my favorite time of the year. Because my parents made it so, while they missed long since gone family they remember from long ago. I don’t know why that realization was comforting (but sad) to me, but it was. It sort of clicked with me that they experienced the same things…love and loss and feeling like it’s not quite right. It’s not new. It’s been going on for generations.

And so it goes…

My newest obsession: NutriBullet

Not very long into my health journey, I bought a fancy pants ($$$) juicer. And I used is a good bit. But the problem was…it took forever to use and clean up. And there were a lot of days that it just wasn’t going to happen. Fast forward a good many months and it’s been a good many months since my juicer came out to play.

And that made me sad.

So I started eyeing all the food “extractors”…Ninja, Vitamix, Blendtek and the NutriBullet. I finally chose the NutriBullet. And I have tell you, I am IN LOVE! 

I bought it last week at Bed Bath and Beyond with a coupon. I got the newer model, the Pro that costs more, but I wanted to make sure it would liquify just about any veggie, so I went with the heavier duty model. But I think either one would make a great improvement to one’s health.

I got it and washed up all the pieces..and then went shopping for some of the ingredients I needed for it and got to work. I made my first ‘blast’ and they call it, and couldn’t believe how fast it was. I just plopped my ingredients into the wide mouth cup (compared to the tiny hole I had to shove all my fruits and veggies down for the juicer), screwed on the lid and in less than a minute, I had a tall glass of liquid nutrition that was tasty, and I could drink it knowing every last drop was healthy stuff made readily available to my body for health.

The NB comes with several cups and blades along with several lid styles and rings to go around the top, to make it more comfortable to drink from the ‘tall cup’ that I make my drink in. It also comes with two books with recipes and tips for success. Aaaaand a web site called NutriLiving (that purchasers get access to for 6 months free…don’t know the price yet for when my 6 months expires) which I am loving so far. Many  many recipes. And since they are a short list of raw foods, I have index cards handy to jot down new ideas for future ‘blasts’. 

I am hoping since it couldn’t be any easier (especially in light of just how long it took to juice ‘the old way’), that this becomes a habit that I can stick to. I am loving the variety and the idea that I can drink my greens and get them incorporated in my diet every day EASILY. Like I said, I’m loving it! : )

Disclaimer..I haven’t been compensated for my views bla bla bla and I bought my NutriBullet myself bla bla bla. Over and out, peeps. : )