This was the blog that saw the second biggest transformation of my life, the first being the day I realized I had a problem with alcohol and sought help on June 29, 1997

This was the blog that had me laughing, crying, and bonding with persons from around the world. We had a common language (“TTC” “CD1” “CM” “sucks sweaty donkey balls”), and held each other not only through infertility but births, deaths, breakups, moves, career changes and just every good and bad thing life has to offer.

This was the blog that at times were my only link to sanity as the world around me got more and more insane.

But now the silence is deafening, pulsating in my ears as I walk farther and farther away from this world.

I will not delete this blog because it would be like deleting myself the self I was from August 2004 when I laid on a table nervous but so very excited for what I thought laid ahead.

I cannot delete who I was in February 2007 when we heard “Diminished Ovarian Reserve”. I cannot delete the self of November 2009 who woke up to hear the doctor’s voice on the other line telling me that my eggs had not fertilized.

To delete them would delete the events that made me who I am today. Sad sometimes, bitter sometimes but stronger and with a deeper urgency to keep the blessings I have in my life.

So the blog stays to let those of you know there is life there is joy there is life after infertility. I didn’t come away with the happy ending most people want to see in an infertility blog but the good news is that I didn’t have an ending but a new pathway.

Those who know me IRL can find me on Facebook. You can see the mundanity of my blessed life chronicled on twitter on the sidebar or you can look for nycphoenix.

It is 2011 and I’ve missed NaBloPoMo

I’ve missed a message for the holidays

I’ve missed any New Year’s Meme.

Blogging just goes right by me. I’m still occasionally active on my twitter and FB and will check in at 4 square but blogging has just sat there

I want to write but I dont know where my voice is. I used to write. I have journals. I have 1 academic article published. I was an editor of newspapers and literary magazines in college. But nothing interests me.

I read stuff on being femme, gender and queer theory but it doesn’t hit me with the urgency it did when I was newly out.

I’ve written on what it means to walk in this world as a person of color; about the intersections of race and class

I’ve aired the dysfunctional dirty laundry of my family

I’ve talked about alcoholism, violence, sex, relationships, clothing, being fat, having surgery, health scares

And lastly I’ve talked about infertility.

This week I will be the “Last of the Mohicans”.  I will be the only one remaining from the core group of bloggers/posters without a child. Out of the first group of women I met in a website long ago, I am the only one without the typical happy ending.

Some may say its because I chose not to adopt. And they will be right. And there are days I feel like banging my head on the wall but I know with each blow i feel on my forehead that my heart just will not open up to that option. Most of it is battle fatigue. I dont want to make the effort of the application the home study the classes (if we go through foster adopt). I wish I had done that around IVF #2 when I still had enthusiasm and hope and refused to consider anything but getting pregnant.

I want my doorbell to ring and there be a baby in a basket. I want to magically have sex (and get pregnant) with a guy with no repurcussions to my relationship. I want my eggs to be plump and young and respond to drugs and grow by twentyfold as opposed to the meager five or six. I want to win the lottery so it doesnt matter that Mikey is still unemployed (going on 2 years this March) and buy a big house in an area with a good school district and then happily pay the fees for a private adoption or donor eggs or donor embryos.

In short I want to escape the realities of an unemployed older spouse with health issues, a 1 bedroom apartment in a neighborhood with a lousy school district and that right now after bills, I live on 100 dollars a month or less.

Will continuing to write about this ad nauseum help in this escape? Help to heal from the low level grief and depression I have had for the past two years? Or am I just spinning on a hamster wheel of pain by continuing to write?

So yes i’m not in the best of spaces right now. I am running on fumes and I’m hoping to find my voice again. It was easier to TTC to have that being m whole focus although I am grateful that we’re not dealing with all this and trying to raise a child. But we would havve survived for the sake of our family

And I will survive for the sake of our Family even if its smaller that I have envisioned

I’ve talked in bits and pieces about the various medical issues with Mikey but as things get more complex its time to give a fuller picture. We’ll start from head to foot:

Head:  As a child, Mikey had a cleft palate that was surgically corrected when she was three. She complained of hearing problems to her parents who due to ignorance, poverty, racism and classism never got the problem properly diagnosed and treated. She has been diagnosed with sensorineural hearing loss in both ears and needs hearing aids for both ears (cost 800-3500 each not covered by insurance). She also suffered from nasal polyps and underwent sinus surgery in 2005. Sinuses have been stablized with nasal sprays and allergy meds.

Eyes: started wearing glasses in adulthood. currently uses trifocals. family history of cataracts. recently diagnosed with the beginnings of cataracts told to come back in 6 months

Mouth: great teeth lousy gums. has had bone grafts and gum surgeries and needs another bone graft

Back/neck: relatively normal a bit of whiplash from a car accident

Breasts: extremely cystic requiring a mammogram and an ultrasound. Has had a biopsy in 2009. Benign. Procedure left scars

Arms: Stiffness and pain in left elbow. favors right arm for lifting. Unknown cause.

The girly bits: cystic ovaries occasional painful periods but otherwise normal

Knees: Bowlegged as child. Never addressed. Double knee surgery for meniscus (sp?) issues. Diagnosed with arthritis in knees  in 2009.

Ankles and Feet: Arthritis, plantar facitis, bone spurs broken toe in the 80’s severely flat feet. Orthotics made in 2006/2007. Helped for a bit until last few months when feet where in constant pain. New Podiatrist ordered an MRI which found 2 tendon tears in the right foot. recommends brace for the right foot and new orthotic for the left. cost: 1k (not covered by insurance). surgery (100% covered by insurance) is an option but podiatrist thinks its too extreme a measure right now but doesnt discount it down the line if the brace stops helping

Other: borderline cholesterol, propensity to bite cuticles to injury

Has been unemployed since march 2009. finishes paralegal training in December. Unemployment ends in  weeks

So now here we are looking at different paths: medical loans, SSD, welfare, taking her off my insurance and applying for Medicaid, dipping into the paltry 401k, looking for private grants and charity funds

I am at my wit’s end.

So yeah umm ooops.

Well Friday Mikey and I get more news about more medical stuff and we now have to figure out how we are going to find k for her medical needs or whether welfare or SSD is the better route.

Then I was a pilgrim for MCCNY Church Lady Bingo:

Saturday I don’t wanna talk about it. I was a bitch.

Today I was surprised with a matinee of La Cage Aux Folles and dinner for my birthday.

This is the copy of the prayer i wrote for my friend. It’s paraphrased from this prayer that I wrote for the wonderful Calliope and Captain Adorable:

A Prayer For You, Baby

Dear Infinite Love, Gentle Creator,

We are gathered today to celebrate the gift of life

You have entrusted to Your beloved children, M and Y.

 Thank You for carrying M and Y for carrying them on a path,

while tinged with some sadness, has provided countless blessings to them and those that love them.

 Thank You for giving M and Y the faith to take this leap into the unknown.

 Thank You for giving their child grandparents, godparents, aunties, uncles

and other family in abundance.

 Bless this child with M’s laughter and joy of life.

 Bless this child with Y’s gentle strength.

 Bless this child with Reverend P’s passion for justice in this world.

 Bless this child with MJ’s tranquility.

 Bless this child with B’s energy and gift of service and

Mel’s sweetness that surpasses any sugar.

 Bless this child with love, joy and faith personified by the family of faith

at Metropolitan Community Church.

 And today as we celebrate the impending arrival of another Beloved Child,

let M and Y know they are never alone; that

God’s Love is Everlasting, Manifest through  Your Children

 And all the people said: Amen and Amen!

Today It hit me that in my five years of TTC I forgot that there was another way I could become a caregiver.

Today Mikey got results of an MRI she had done on her right foot. 2 tendon tears. Wearing a boot now but looking at surgery in the near future

On top of increased hearing loss and still no money for hearing aids

on top of arthritis on both knees and ankles

on top of the beginnings of cataracts

on top of continued unemployment (1 year and 8 months) and between the age and the health issues it looks like she wont be ready to work for a while longer

on top of the end of unemployment extensions

I aimed to be a parent. I am accepting the fact that in a short time I will be the sole breadwinner and caregiver to an ailing spouse

I am scared

Today I voted and hoped that sanity would prevail and in some places it has. And some places it hasn’t

In case people haven’t guessed by now, I’m a liberal who hopes she can enjoy her tea party the way its supposed to be: with little sandwiches. And a hat. and gloves.

Blogging once a day for November

Today I turned 38 years old. And I got my period. Good times.

I held a five month old in my arms most of the evening and basked in the birthday greetings on facebook and find my heart lighter than its been in the past few months.

It didn’t heart as i knitted a sleep sack and a washcloth for my friend’s child and wrote them a prayer which I heard (had a conflict during the baby shower. REALLY!) brought the house down

Today I held a 5 month old and brought him to his mother and it didn’t hurt.

Today I turned 38 and it didn’t hurt

Today I will be content