Archive for the 'The God thing' Category

29
Jun
10

Today

Today in 1997, God led me to the program. Today in 2001 I found MCCNY. Today in 2003, I married my soul mate Maribelle. Thank You God.

07
Dec
09

Pity, Holiday Party of One

Bah effin HUMBUG

1. Mikey hasnt found a job. Partially this is the economy but its also her lack of self confidence that prevents her in applying for some jobs because of whatever reason she comes up with.

2. She hasn’t done anything to get a training, a course, go to social work school, go to seminary

3. My nephews really want a play kitchen. Plastic since it has to be outdoors. No vendor will ship an oversized item to PR so it will have to be sent to me and then I send it to PR. But its all a moot point because I can’t afford it! None of us can!

4. We can’t afford a Christmas tree, real or fake. Not one drop of decoration is up. Its so depressing at home.

5. And oh yeah, I went from one embryo in IVFs 1 and 2 in 2007 to cancelled cycle due to lack of fertilization in 2009 so i think we can safely assume I have gone past diminished reserve to premature ovarian failure.

Today its just all hitting me and I had a huge crying jag this morning and one right now and I just want to check out

God did give me a heads up. At the workplace tacky gift exchange I opened my present to reveal a small bottle of vodka. The brand I bought to relapse with. My blood ran cold witht hat God moment. I was able to exchange it but yeah that was freaky.

23
May
09

Firewalk

I was arguing with my therapist last week about how I am approaching IVF the Third. She wanted me to admit that I had feelings of Hope. It took a while but I said yes I do go back to the old days long ago when I could imagine myself in a baby shower or holding my daughter (ok ok shoot me later, I can’t help it I wanted a girl).

Then the Phoenix rises with white hot flames and burns through the scenes in fiery awe and brings in with it every scenario it can to make sure Hope never lingers too long.

And I told my therapist I wouldn’t have it any other way. I need to embrace the nightmares to keep the dreams at bay because I refuse to allow myself any good feelings because I rather live in the bad feeling than go through the crash like I have 17 different times. Live in the fire and ashes or live with Hope to have it burn with a pain I can’t even describe. What would YOU do?

I am the Debbie Downer about this possible cycle. The Doubter. I am so OVER this and I haven’t even started. So why give any money to the funds? So why do I bother going through the trouble of consults and putting up those donation buttons on my sidebar?

Because IVF the Third is what I need to walk away. I need to go through IVF so I can sleep at night knowing i’ve done everything to achieve a pregnancy. I don’t need it to work to feel like I’ve accomplished something. And if it works, well, no one is going to be more shocked than me.

Some people would say it will restore their faith in God. It won’t for me.I  have no faith in science or my ovaries but faith that the Creator loves me and will always to take care of me? There has never been any doubt of that.

I don’t need restored what I never lost.

21
Jan
09

My invocation

Thanks to ArtSweet, the following is Bishop Gene Robinson’s invocation which as you can see is full of the reality and humility of the occasion, has inclusive language and does not fall back on using the very Christian centric Lord’s Prayer (which in my church, we replace Lord and kingdom with inclusive language)

From Bishop Gene Robinson’s (magically unbroadcast, ahem) invocation:

O God of our many understandings, we pray that you will…

Bless us with tears – for a world in which over a billion people exist on less than a dollar a day, where young women from many lands are beaten and raped for wanting an education, and thousands die daily from malnutrition, malaria, and AIDS.

Bless us with anger – at discrimination, at home and abroad, against refugees and immigrants, women, people of color, gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.

Bless us with discomfort – at the easy, simplistic “answers” we’ve preferred to hear from our politicians, instead of the truth, about ourselves and the world, which we need to face if we are going to rise to the challenges of the future.

Bless us with patience – and the knowledge that none of what ails us will be “fixed” anytime soon, and the understanding that our new president is a human being, not a messiah.

Bless us with humility – open to understanding that our own needs must always be balanced with those of the world.

Bless us with freedom from mere tolerance – replacing it with a genuine respect and warm embrace of our differences, and an understanding that in our diversity, we are stronger.

Bless us with compassion and generosity – remembering that every religion’s God judges us by the way we care for the most vulnerable in the human community, whether across town or across the world.

And God, we give you thanks for your child Barack, as he assumes the office of President of the United States.

Give him wisdom beyond his years, and inspire him with Lincoln’s reconciling leadership style, President Kennedy’s ability to enlist our best efforts, and Dr. King’s dream of a nation for ALL the people.

Give him a quiet heart, for our Ship of State needs a steady, calm captain in these times.

Give him stirring words, for we will need to be inspired and motivated to make the personal and common sacrifices necessary to facing the challenges ahead.

Make him color-blind, reminding him of his own words that under his leadership, there will be neither red nor blue states, but the United States.

Help him remember his own oppression as a minority, drawing on that experience of discrimination, that he might seek to change the lives of those who are still its victims.

Give him the strength to find family time and privacy, and help him remember that even though he is president, a father only gets one shot at his daughters’ childhoods.

And please, God, keep him safe. We know we ask too much of our presidents, and we’re asking FAR too much of this one. We know the risk he and his wife are taking for all of us, and we implore you, O good and great God, to keep him safe. Hold him in the palm of your hand – that he might do the work we have called him to do, that he might find joy in this impossible calling, and that in the end, he might lead us as a nation to a place of integrity, prosperity and peace.

AMEN.

24
Dec
08

Many Lights, One Season

May the Light of the Season be reflected in the eyes of your loved ones and its warmth be felt in your souls.

22
Dec
08

Much Ado about Rick

For those of you on my FB list you see that I linked to a group protesting the choice of R1ck W@rren to give the invocation at the inauguration. Now the group states it’s because of his opposition to marriage rights. And while I mentioned earlier about my ambivalence about gay marriage being the cause du jour, I also have other issues with R1cky:

I oppose this choice because the man is anti-choice.

I oppose this choice because he is opposed to euthaniasia, contraception, stem cell research and comprehensive sex education.

I oppose this choice because I don’t care about the crumbs he may throw to progressive issues and the money he’s giving to AIDS causes in Africa he is still at heart the type of Christian who thinks I’m going to hell, that my Jewish friends are going to hell and that my Catholic friends are joining us there. Don’t let the Hawaiian shirts and his warm and fuzzy Purpose Driven drivel fool you. He is no different than the others.

And speaking of Africa, R1ck may be all progressive about sending money for AIDS orphans but will he support condom education and distribution there? or here even? So he may be ahead compared to his counterparts on this issue but only for the “deserving” AIDS victims.

I oppose R1ck because I’m tired of people, when they hear the word “Christian”, automatically think of guys like him with their megachurches, their insistance on bible literalism and their hatred and intolerance in the name of Jesus.

This is not my Christianity. My church is not his church. Obama had a chance to give another visual on Christianity. He could have picked from moderate and liberal denominations for an excellent person to give the invocation. But he is catering to people who probably didn’t vote for him and probably won’t vote for him in 2012.

When you build bridges everyone must stand side to side, not used as a stepping stone.

01
Oct
08

Reconnecting

My poor neglected blog. How I missed you. How I feel so heavy with all the things in my head when I am not spewing it all out here for all the world to see the bundle of neuroses that is me.

I need to make an amends to all of the blogs on my sidebar. I read you all and have shared in your joys and your sorrows but I have not given back in comments, emails, twits, anything to let you know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. That your children are achingly beautiful. That your belly shots have been traced with my finger on the screen.  That every good news allows me to smile in my sleep and every bit of pain expressed allows me to shed a tear that I won’t shed for myself.

My ALI sisters who, like us, decided to resolve our infertility by building a family of two: you have posted everything I could have possibly said about what it is to move in this world where our grief is rarely acknowledged and how we navigate the bittersweet realitiy that is our lives. I fell so hopelessly behind on commenting so I hope one day you find this post so i can say Thank You. Monkey Balls. Yes. I know. I’m here. You are not alone. I love you.

I have two friends going through such painful times right now. I can’t take their pain away but I can turn it all over to the care of Someone infinitely more qualified to take care of them.

Funny how easy it is to pray for those I love and how hard it is for me to ask for the same. Maybe I can try now:

My Mother My Father My Gentle Spirit, You know what i have before me right now but please be patient while I list them for the audience that I have to my prayer to You: two Roundup events, full caseload, supervising staff and an intern, rebuilding a relationship, revisiting the pain of having, every weekend filled from now till November 8th, having witnessed domestic violence as a child and survived two abusive relationship as a teen/young adult. And of course the ongoing matter of mourning the loss of having a biological child. This is the edited list because I’m not listing my worries about other persons and what they are going through right now because I think my server would crash. Whew. You still with me, God?

Of course you are. You never left. You may have felt that I forget you’re there but, ok, yeah I forget sometimes.  But I am here now. Help me open my heart, open my mind, open my eyes, and most importantly open my hands so that I can let go of all this and more and give it to the One who is all love, all mercy, all kindness, and all power.  May I do Your Will not mine.

Thank you. Please. Help. Amen.

12
May
08

Carried

We went to church. Shopped a bit. Went home. Ordered takeout. Watched movies. Had two crying jags. Short and controlled. I knew of one so when the pastor blessed the mothers I coped iwth it best I could. Grateful that I was totally blocked from everyone’s vision because I was stnading beside the pastor. Today was Pentecost Sunday so we spoke of the Breath of God as a mighty wind. I imagined the breeze I felt today as God’s caresses and reminder that He is there, carrying me always.

After church, I was waiting in the sanctuary for Mikey to get ready to leave when the person who will become our therapist came up to say hi. We don’t fall in the same social circles but I am not 100% comfortable with having her as our therapist but Mikey picked her out and did the legwork for the first. time. ever.  so i figure I can set my slight discomfort aside. We plan to start in June.

She has a brief outline on the issues to date so as Mikey and I were getting out things together, she said “Take a rose”. (We had roses in a vase to give out to the mothers). I stared, speechless. “For the spirit of it. For the journey. For the fact that you have already displayed motherhood in your quest for motherhood. That you mother in different ways.”

I took a rose and held it for most of the afternoon. As we were getting on the bus that would take us home, I pulled apart all of the petals thinking about my infertility, my nephews with an ill mother, my mother who I was only able to leave a voice mail message for. I thought about those of us who are finding the day to be painful or bittersweet instead of absoulte joy. I thought of the love I have for my partner and how much I wanted us to be okay again. I thought of the fact that depite the tears I have a wonderful life.

And I let the rose petals go slowly, one by one and watched them being carried by the breeze. Or I guess depending on your spiritual perspective, carried by the breath of the Creator.

07
May
08

Nice trunk

Ok, let’s talk about the elephant hanging around the IF blogosphere. This coming Sunday is (dare I type it?), Mother’s Day.

To wax not so eloquently: It sucks for the IF crowd. It sucks for the I love my mom but she’s far away/deceased crowd. It sucks for the I love my mom but she has an entire chapter dedicated to her in several psychology textbooks crowd. 

So for me, who is an infertile currently estranged from her mother who lives 1000 miles away there aren’t enough metaphors to express the anger and bitterness I feel about this upcoming Sunday. There is no acidic substance that can be dripped onto the open wounds in my soul that could fully illustrate how I feel when I allow myself to look at the elephant.

Mother’s Day has fucked up one Sunday a year for me. And I’m pissed because for me Sunday is supposed to mean church and feeling spiritually refreshed for the week ahead. And when I go to church on Sunday, I will be up in front standing in the choir watching the pastor bless the mothers and her blessing will not be for me and Mikey. Don’t tell me to not go to church. I miss church once a month to make room for an AA committment and I feel so off center I can’t imagine missing more.And did I forget to mention I have been asked to join the deaconate? I have a month to make my decision and then will receive 12 weeks of training starting in July.

But there is a balm this year. Mother’s Day this year falls on a date in May that is full of joy. While it will hurt to watch the mothers’ blessing I will take comfort that on May 11, 2001, God gave me proof of His love for me by sending Mikey in my path. And while we may not have the child we still have our love.

29
Oct
07

Should myself in the foot.

My sponsor tells me that one of my character defects is expectations. In my world expectations are just resentments waiting to happen. As alcoholics we don’t have the best perspective in the world so we go around expecting things that are not going to happen and then get resentful when they don’t. We live by the “shoulds” instead of by the “is/are”.

I am turning 35 years old on Thursday.

I should have a 2 and a half year old.

I should be in a well respected, well paid position in my field

I should have savings, low debt and a nest egg started.

I should have a loving supportive family and constant emails of pictures of my nephews.

I should be in a serene state of mind and not need antidepressants.

I should be celebrating a friend’s retrieval.

It’s been a terrific inner battle, a new burning and I painfully reach to the heavens to receive my help from my God to be reborn again. 




RSS Nycphoenix’s Twits

  • An error has occurred; the feed is probably down. Try again later.

For private witness to my lunacy:

nycphoenix1 at gmail dot com

Press The Buttons…You know you want to.

Image Image SockItToMeWeek

Longterm evidence of my lunacy

So you like to visit the lunacy?

  • 95,957 hits

Design a site like this with WordPress.com
Get started