Questions

There are many times I question god...however you perceive him/her to be

times when it just doesn't make sense..

how do you ever make sense of the death of a child...?

where is the rhyme or reason?

I see grief, I feel grief, I question, I have no answers, and I feel it all the more...

I think lots of things, and yet, none of it changes anything...

there is a huge, big why...and wishing we could turn back time and make it different...

life's not fair

it brings hurt and pain... and surely it makes absolutely no sense whatsoever...

how do people carry on believing? How do they carry on living?

I wish I knew... I don't think I'd be that strong...

and I surely don't want to find out, not ever....

fun memories...

Ever wondered what lay behind some of the 'modern art' we see around?

me too... ;)

Elvis... is NOT leaving the building....

Huge changes.
A school finally closed.
We had to return today as we will several times this summer to collect and sort various things...
the first time we had been since it finally closed it's doors a week ago.

Inside this now desolate and abandoned building there are years of teaching, of children and their memories, the library, books, desks, work, reminders of lives lived, of the fact that people live inside schools too, they don't leave the outside world behind when they walk in in the morning and collect it on the way out as they leave... it comes in with them, and stays, affects them during the day, colours their view of everything that happens.

Friends, relationships, experiences. Names written ~ some carved on desks and chairs, momentoes left, marking the passage of time, but also of lives, children's lives as they grow and develop.
Important years as they mould into who they are, and find their way.

It was a moving experience in both senses of the word...sad, and sadder in some ways that the last students have had to try and carry on as normal for the past few months while their teachers pack up the school around them. Everything is divided and labelled awaiting transport to it's new resting place at one of the other existing schools...art work that has adorned the walls is now gone, the whole energy of the place has altered.

So, I smiled as I turned the corner up the stairs to see what could only ever be a creation influenced by R... the only piece of art left, and there to stay till the bitter end....

You can take everything from a place or a person, but feelings, emotions and memories can never be erased.

Grounded...

So, it would appear that having others in the spa pool was a distraction for the footballers, and so it was reserved purely for them from then on! C'est la vie!!
However, back home our family is all together under one roof, we are settled together, home in every sense of the word

Growth happens at grass roots level and deeper,
we have been back to grass roots this past week or so,
space and time lets that happen, distance allows for much,
new experiences, perspective, sleep and rest, recouperation, vision (over visibility I wonder?),
sweeping the path in front of us to allow the next steps to take place.

Tonight I'm still on french time, up late, yet contented, brain working overtime and yet overridingly happy, as lots of thoughts cross over one another...
mostly not ones for this page, perhaps.

However,
there was a beautiful, simple church in the village, open all day and all night...a reminder to me of a church whose doors were similarly open years ago and which back then had somehow made me feel less alone without demanding anything, a sense of comfort and refuge.

Tonight I guess I am thankful, I have no real idea of how we ended up washed up on the shore, but somehow we have, and as I look around I am thankful that I still have all those I call family around me...and conscious that we can only ever be thankful for the moments as we have them.
It's back to those grass roots that a dear friend was talking about earlier today.

and from an e mail that came through on my return, words I liked,

Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrows keep you Human,
Failures keep you Humble,
Success keeps you Glowing,
But .... Only Friends ...
Keep You Going !!!

Escape...

We forgot the laptop but arrived in france, and almost immediately we found a slower pace of life, rest, wonderful food, and an amazing bistro where we can eat surrounded by art of all kinds.

Our daughter is safe and enjoying life in Cannes, alongside Roger Moore... lucky girl :) She didn't get his autograph or her photo with him though!
And our son is having a good time at home, which means we are free and can relax and take in the atmosphere and architecture whilst making time for patisseries along the way...

It is amazing how a few details can totally change the feel of a place - shutters on windows and details on roofs, brickwork around doors and windows....it seems they take care over the small things that are so often overlooked.

So I am on the hotel's computer and getting to grips slowly with the continental keyboard, slightly tricky to adjust to... but just felt the desire now I have the time to sit and blog... a luxury, along with time to appreciate our surroundings and capture some of them - photos will have to wait till I am home though.

Today's highlight, or at least one of them, was sharing a rather large spabath with an entire french football team... they were using it to stretch in... and I was, well... I was admiring the view (it did overlook the sea...) and feeling the benefits of the bubbles as they energised my being...I came away feeling very very rested... good for the soul, great therapy! I can recommend it :)

I think I'm getting the hang of this self care thing, life can be good aswell as tough and trying.
So, aurevoir till I return and Bon soir :)
xx
(the french aways do it twice)

"The greatest imperfection is in our inward sight, that is, to be ghosts unto our own eyes"

a quote from Sir Thomas Browne, which marks the beginning of a book I picked up at the airport on my way to one of our neighbouring islands yesterday and which is proving to be an addictive read.

The holidays are here, and with our daughter away in Cannes slumming it in a hotel (and looking every bit the part and far older than her years... hmmmm), the house is extra quiet. Dynamics alter and we get space and time to spend in different ways.

Space and time, our own space and time that is, is incredibly valuable, and yet it can disappear so slowly as to be almost imperceptible, until it is almost nonexistent, by which time we crave something we can barely remember.

I guess that's why to sit and read has felt like such a gift, remembering not so long ago when it felt just too dangerous to sit and read because to do that, to disappear into myself for any length of time, would mean taking my eye off the ball so to speak, and that was a risk I just wasn't going to take.
It's easy for other people to say you need to take time out, and yet people in general are unlikely to do that unless they feel it is safe to do so..

And yet the value of time to reflect and look inwards, quiet time to silence the noise from within and settle, to find peace is immeasurable, to be able to let it process... and allow it to be.

And if for some reason that opportunity is denied, we find ways of sneaking a few minutes here and there. We always seek to fill what is missing I guess...when we listen to our inner voices and follow where they lead.

Now, if only I could find those inward looking minutes in daylight instead of the wee small hours.
But there is something about the night, and the dark, and the silence, and the rain on the roof, that is soothing, and yet exciting, and that keeps me awake and pondering on life and love and pain, and all the big things that combine to enable us to say that we are truly living as opposed to merely existing.

The connection to the quote... no more initially than I liked it and it led to more pondering... :)

(just before dark 8.7.09)

Sometimes pearls of wisdom pop into my inbox - the round robin type e mails that you (I) so often read, smile and delete, but I liked this one ~


Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me..
It is the most-requested column I've ever written.
My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone...

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile. (I would add a couple of other in here, but it's not my list!! ;)

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret,you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks. (thankfully!)

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do .

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's,we'd grab ours back

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Discombobulated

Inbetween one thing and another, nearly at the end of one term, almost ready for another.
half on holiday, half not, half prepared, still more to do.
Dividing time between work and play, children here, and then not.
Beaches, bikes, town, mates, sleepovers, makeovers, ballet watching, football training schedules, kit fitting, winding down and gearing up for summer
a cold empty living room with a stack of ironing in the corner, awaiting a good film to make a dent in it...
apart from tonight, when I really really did want to watch 'girl with a pearl earring' especially as I missed reading the book, I can't quite settle either to watch or do the ironing, let alone both...
It feels very much as if I have left a part of me behind somewhere, there is an empty space, void of sound, noise, laughter, colour, warmth
she has slept out so many, many times, yet tonight I am feeling it more

homesick whilst still at home...

Guess I just miss her,
daft eh...

Communication....or not

Communication isn't always easy, yet ordinarily we manage and usually messages are transmitted effectively and action follows as a result..
but what happens when you find you suddenly find you have no voice,
or your voice just isn't heard..
you hit a brick wall,
bureaucracy...
ears that hear, but won't listen,
and certainly won't translate words into actions ~ what then?
Suddenly rendered ineffectual,
people with-holding information, playing power games,
egos perhaps wounded somehow?
who knows?

left to guess and try to move forwards
not a comfortable place to reside, at all,
and thankfully not a place I frequent often...

I am used to working alongside and with the medical profession,
used to reason and rationale,
I perfectly understand confidentiality and yet for some reason, and I know I am not alone, logic doesn't seem to prevail

I have a personal perspective now,
can see why there is often so much frustration
I am breathing, counting to ten, to twenty even...

and looking for alternative ways of communication..
where there's a will, there's a way, so they say :)

*(medication offered freely to me in March that I didn't want back then, I now need, because I'm tired of the joint pain and acute lethargy, only now they aren't sure I can have it... not without jumping through a lot of hoops and paying a small fortune in consultation fees in the process....!)



If I am finding this unusual circumstance (for me that is) frustrating, I am thinking of all those for whom this is everyday, those who don't have a voice, or rather, whose voices never, or rarely, get heard, by anyone
those who need to be heard and listened to.
There are so many, in so many situations.
It is draining, frustrating and soul destroying, trying to get help, asking for help that someone else has control over...
and who like to use that control

I know my situation will resolve, it it merely a glitch, yet others can't always be as certain and sometimes their barriers are way bigger than mine.

"Your reason and your passion are the rudder and the sails of your seafaring soul.
If either your sails or your rudder be broken, you can but toss and drift, or else be held at standstill in mid-seas.

...and since you are a breath in God's sphere, and a leaf in God's forest, you too should rest in reason and move in passion"

(Kahlil Gibran)

Just pondering

my head is full of all kinds of everything - the news, images and stories, confusion, discord, violence;
a course I attended only yesterday about young carers, so often hidden and unsupported;
plans for new lessons and a new course I will be running from September.. much still to be done on that;
the children and their holidays - they are now on holiday whereas I have another two weeks to go ~
one is off to the South of France in a few days with a friend and her family
such a luxury, wonderful opportunities and how life has changed and moved onwards!
I camped on the Brecon beacons at her age...we still had fun, but without the sun as I remember it!
The other is at home with us this summer.

All kinds of everything includes the every day things that have come to fill our lives ~
the constant and unrelenting battle for independence
which shouldn't be a battle,
and yet part of it seems to be a need to feel that it has been won as opposed to just given.

Sometimes we seem to exist far more in passion than in reason...perhaps that is the plight of hormonal teenagers everywhere...?
Or maybe just the plight of dreamers

And passion can drown out the voice of reason ~
reason being found in that still small voice
that surfaces when all is calm
and which we seem to be hearing more often than before, thankfully.

It also encompasses the wisdom tooth that suddenly flared up
and the joints that refuse to settle
and the lethargy/exhaustion that comes along with the joints and is leading me towards accepting I may need to take the medication that has been suggested...

We exist as part of a functional/dysfunctional team that sometimes coordinates,
sometimes falls apart, sometimes loses it's way, and yet when we do, we do at least get lost together and then work together to find our way back to steer some kind of course forwards...
this team is far more than immediate family too....
thats good

our passion and our reason,
just pondering