|
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
burkina
i happen to be taking two africa-related modules this semester - one is a lecture series in which every week representatives from embassies of south african countries come to give wiki-style briefings, while the other is more like a general introduction to political and economic situations in the whole continent.
so far this semester i've had the impression that these ambassadors and political secretaries and whatever-other-posts-they-have are very much like any other typical diplomat - appearing to be witty, giving politically correct responses, trying to paint an exaggeratedly rosy picture of their own country, the kind of by-product from some decaying patriarchal system. but today i encountered one of the more down-to-earth diplomats. his presentation was very monotonous, but he had a sincere approach of looking at global issues. he took questions from the floor earnestly, and was able to give pragmatically reasonable replies. there was none of the usual "are you kidding me?" or "who said it ever was a problem!" kind of chiding.
the lesson was simple - sincerity is not to be claimed, but to be felt.
cloud at 7:09 pm
Sunday, October 07, 2012
no time to lose
a short convo with lishian while trying to help her with some stuff ended with her telling me that year 3 "really alot of work", and i just thought, "kns, next year my turn". it didnt take another few seconds before it struck me that when i return to beijing next year, there'll be so many things to do within so little time. sense of urgency, sense of urgency!
things to do in my fourth (and final) year:
1. badminton [...]
2. a cappella [...]
3. travelling [...]
even now in japan i foresee making tough choices between the above options already, for the very simple reason that i've only one year. but it'll be the same situation next year! it's nothing like the "you've been two years already, dunnid to start all over again" myth that i've deluded myself with. only one year to reconnect with people, if one year of self-imposed isolation followed by another in absence haven't meant enough deficits.
best solution? cut down on time wasting (not necessarily playtime). that's what i've to learn in the year ahead. there's no going back with a freshman mentality expecting everything to start afresh (of course, this is a lie). like it or not, there's no turning back. so keep going, keep moving on. yijou desu.
debated with myself for at least 10 minutes over the channel through which i should post this - facebook or renren? status or note? it started off as random rambling stemming from a feeling of despair, but as i typed it expanded so much that it could probably pass off as a 剪报submission. in essence i just needed to list things down, see them and draw up a plan. i ended up writing a private note to myself on renren. but soon after it came to my mind that there's a long deserted space meant for sharing messages with the false belief of dictating the eyes for which it is meant. so here it is, after some omissions. unbelievable, isn't it, when you least expect to return to the familiar harbour?
cloud at 9:07 pm
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
three days to 'see'..?
the most armed and dangerous event this semester happened last weekend - my left eye got pricked by a shuttlecock feather.
that meant that for as much as i'd wanted to siam the hospitals here i was still forced to make a trip, because by saturday morning the pain was getting increasingly unbearable. talks of "pain is transient" vanished almost immediately.
the true horrors of visiting the hospitals in china set in very quickly - first the school hospital's eye specialists were off duty on saturday so i had to make an additional trip to the Third Hospital. i reported straight to A&E to get turned down - because i had no 就医卡, which one had to obtain at the hospital entrance. but i didn't notice there was a separate desk for A&E 就医卡s so everything i did before finally noticing it - filing for a regular outpatient 就医卡, walking a distance to the eyecare building, registering for consultation, before being told to go back to get an A&E documentation - was futile.
but getting an A&E tag means i finally got to 'cut-queue', if that equated to a victorious privilege (in china) of any sort. everything from that point onwards was pretty much straightforward - diagnosis, getting my antibiotics (a favourite prescription in china), journey home, rest. i couldn't open my eyes for more than a few seconds because both muscles worked together and every blink brought about catastrophic pain. being unable to see therefore meant that even if i felt energetic enough for 10 marathons i was as good as bed-bound.
and so i was, for the whole weekend. i conveniently embargoed all academic workplans. that made it the most short-lived yet most drastic event to note this semester.
all stories end well :p i'm back at my day-to-day operations once more, though prolonged reading still makes me fatigued. it's definitely a newfound experience (and one of gratitude too) to be able to see the world again. of course, i shall remember that i wouldn't have managed well alone.
cloud at 10:25 pm
so far this sem
这个学期变得很忙，平均每个星期都有一篇大作业要交。当然有时忙里偷闲，看看视频、上人人网什么的（前些时候从8-11月间还翻不了墙上不了FB），但最想念的还是远在新加坡的大家。
北京の生活に忙しいですが、楽しいです～
cloud at 10:08 pm
还是愿意相信世间的美
过去很长一段时间一直都在思考善与恶的问题。去年还有朋友跟我说，“你是好人”。听了当然很顺耳，但后来想想，会得到这样的结论只是因为我们用自己的行为准则和道德标准来衡量一个人的行为和处事。没有所谓的好人坏人——今天看到的某件‘坏事’，可能那天你会发现他是为了更崇高的‘好事’不得已而为之；抑或是看到的‘好事’，可能到头来只是伪善？
但即便如此，还是愿以幻想这样的一个世界：每个人所做的每一件事都不是为了有意损害他人。排除了人对人的一切丑陋行为（如杀戮、戕害、诋毁、利用），就能极力寻找每个行为背后的善，而它都是为了构建更美好的明天而存在。我念的是讲究现实的国际关系，但很惭愧自己更属于梦幻的理想主义派。（当然，那可能是因为自己的现实的一面没被‘激活’。）
有矛盾，可以化解；有误会，可以原谅；有伤痕，可以抚平；有缺憾，可以弥补；有过错，可以纠正。直到被残酷的现实面说服的那一天，我仍愿意相信世间的真、世间的善、世间的美。亦余心之所善兮，虽九死其犹未悔。
cloud at 9:48 pm
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
a conscience so subtly stabbed
a hectic schedule over the past week has seen an unfolding of events which has, in turn, prompted a nostalgic revisit of past happenings and decisions made. and it is just as shocking how, for 4 whole years, i've only acknowledged the glaring existence of matters but failed to live the nuances held between them.
but it's all in the past. i don't wish for things to represent themselves at this stage for it would be most untimely (quite untimely it should strike me only now too!) it is so heart-wrenching when goodness and virtue look at you innocently in the eyes with comprehensive bliss, telling you that all the harm inflicted in the past was understandably a culmination of consequences.
the entire dynamics have changed now, that's for sure - what a hell lot i missed over the past few years! should somebody ask if, given another chance (however fictional this white lie may be), i'd walk the same path... i wouldn't know the answer myself. i should just keep myself from hurting the people around me, especially if i'd let the person down once.
i'm quite surprised at how i approach this matter altogether this time round, and i'm happy the way things are now. i should learn to develop greater empathy before any repeated rashness of the past, if that should count as the greatest takeaway from the year that is nearing its end.
a long-sought tranquility of the heart would best mirror my anxiety.
cloud at 11:45 pm
Monday, December 20, 2010
哪怕是杂言也得靠谱
来北京时开始写了自己的留学日志，且开学后慢慢忙起来，很长一段时间没有写博客。这几个月，思考的工作没有间断过（虽然有时想的也尽是些无关痛痒的事情），但总没有练习把它写下来，结果写作能力也退步了很多。今天终于拨出时间重访云港，这篇就顺便当作是生日和跨年感言吧。
常听人说“三十而立、四十不惑”。我去年刚满二十，有人称为不悔，也有人称为弱冠。要说“不悔”，我已经做到了；但廿一岁生日来临之际，我对现状并不感到满意。当然，并不是说我对目前的生活环境有什么抱怨，那都是物质层次的考量。最让我感到懊恼的是我尚未养成独立的判断能力。作为一个人，我缺乏主张。或许，我从未真正思考过我要追求的是什么。
很多同辈和长辈常常认为我很'zai’而对我寄予厚望，确实让我愧颜。说实在的我之所以进得了北大靠的就是华初的教育和那一纸毕业证书，进得了华初又是因为捡了直通车的便宜，进得了华中是因为道南给我打了扎实的基础，进得了道南又是因为我姐姐是校友。（这么看来，似乎“赢在起跑点”这一说也并非毫无根据？）当然也不乏羡慕我那一系列非学术活动的朋友。但说穿了，这些都是假象，似乎把我包装得多么有才气，却没想到只需一句简单的“你的人生观是什么”就把我问倒了。那我充其量只是个不小心出土的景泰蓝（色调单一、老土、也不至于一般装饰型花瓶那样花枝招展），外表美观，里面空洞洞，敲敲看可能还能听得到回音。
我所受的教育最大的不足就是没能培养我独立的判断，我也在面对一些问题时不知道自己要的是什么。我暗地里羡慕那些人生有大致方向和目标的朋友，因为一切决定在自己制订好的生活方程式下都显得非常容易。甚至对于感情方面，我也渐渐意识到自己的择偶条件是多么的不靠谱，而这又是因为我同样不知道自己要找的是什么样的对象。过去两三年这方面的不如意让我做了很多思考，确实有所成长。人不轻狂枉少年，过了那阶段，现在对待感情问题虽说多了一份谨慎，却也少了那股动力（未必是坏事）。
这几年，相信身边不少人都听我说“欢喜就好”。严格来说，我没把它内化为一种生活哲学，而更多将它当作对一切未经思考的举动的笼统解释（说难听了可能就是在敷衍）。问我为什么选择来北大，我答不上来；问我为什么念国际关系，我也道不出个所以然。凡是对这种没有为什么的为什么，我都说“欢喜就好”。但“欢喜”又是什么？我试着过着‘丰富多彩’的课余生活，那也是照着他人先前给我定义好的‘丰富多彩’来执行，结果有没有‘欢喜’也无从得知。
我这些年所不断做的，就是对自己的成长环境、过程进行反思。我的孤僻、自大、固执、缺乏安全感以及每一个举动和对外在人事物的反应都是可追溯的。我把固执当作是一种执着，但固执背后一次又一次的碰壁又成全了什么？我还不满自己真的不懂得人情世故，做很多事情都是形式主义，从不去思考很多稍纵即逝的“为什么”；这也是为什么我过去一年一直认为“将心比心”是白纸黑字、有步骤可循的，并深陷在这迷思中。
要说的东西总是很多很多，可能真的是因为想太多了，也可能是因为写作能力降得离谱。每年到了这个时候，拟好一个生日愿望总是格外费劲。时间不多，是时候好好静一静，想想穿过这道海峡以后那浩瀚的海洋。
21，这个门槛太难跨。
cloud at 11:59 pm
|
