One Week

I finished my first week and started my second today. I'm still sick, mostly with a cough, but Henley is now sick and stayed home today. She took a four hour nap today while I was at work. Poor kid.

I'm finding that there are lots of things I am going to have to learn here in this whole process. Some are things I already knew I needed to learn and some are things I was aware of as an issue, but didn't anticipate needing to change just yet. Life is full of surprises.

Here is my list so far (in no particular order):
1) Being okay with a lack of structure and without my own space. A coworker today was using "my" office and made a statement that he didn't get an office for nine years of working there. That hugely messes with me and my need for my own space. Granted, he wasn't always a member of the clinical team, but still. Just a place to hang my hat and make my own feels important.

2) Learning to stay in touch. This is something I have not been great at, ever. I'm going to have to learn, fast.

3) The 12 Steps. This is a huge part of my job and I'm a firm believer in what my professors said at the beginning "you can only take a client as far as you have been". I've got some internal walls that I can totally feel, but can't figure out how to knock them down. Working to start and make it stick, but I have a feeling it's the width of the Great Wall of China, so it's going to have to take some time.

4) Trusting my employer. After all the stuff that happened at the last place, I'm reticent to fully believe what anyone is saying. I find myself waiting for the shoe to drop or for someone to walk into "my" office and say "it just isn't working out" or something of that nature. I don't think about it most of the time, but if I think about it, I'm pretty messed up about it.

5) Making the most of my "off" time. This was the first weekend I worked and it was totally weird to not work on Monday (even though I had a mandatory meeting at 4). The boxes are still here. I'm making slow progress and everyone goes to bed so early that it gets even slower. Then with Henley sick and David's allergies kicking his trash, I'm being the hero these days since I'm least sick.

That's the list so far. It's going to be a fun adventure.

The Thing About Life Is...

It is ever changing.

Now that we are out of Moab, it has been requested that I return to posting here. ;)

Leaving Moab was a hard thing. It was hard for a lot of reasons. Leaving good friends. Leaving our house. Leaving the place Henley has spent her entire life. Bringing the memories along with us. Had it happened in any other way, we probably would have tried to stay forever.

Today, at my new job, we had a training on compassion fatigue. In the field of therapy, you tend to get to go to a lot of those. Today's training was the best one I've ever been to. No joke. I left feeling like I had the best nap ever and a really good cry. Both things every person needs every once in a while.

While sitting there and thinking of everything that transpired to lead up to us leaving while the song "She Used To Be Mine" by Sara Bareilles repeated in my head I had this freeing moment.



The moment when you shed off the layer of the person that was not the real version of you. My friends often see that version of me, but I was putting the cloak on every day as I headed to work. Feigning that the things that mattered to the people I worked with mattered to me. There was no joy.

I stopped my self care. Reading, sewing, creating anything, cooking, baking, singing, dancing in the living room with Henley. It was a sad place of feeling not good enough and having unrealistic expectations placed upon me and feeling less than every day I walked out of my office.

Today after the training I wanted to dance with Henley and I knew, as it seems to be repeatedly revealed to me, that this change, although hard, is exactly what I needed.

Great Article!

I read this article the other day and really loved the way he said it. :)



The Logic Behind Joining The Mormon Church

Inside

I am going to go on a bit of a rant here for half a second, maybe longer.

I often read these posts that my friends put on Facebook that say something like "30 Things to stop doing to yourself". Lots of these are entertaining, thoughtful, insightful, great advice, but there is ALWAYS one that just drives. me. nuts. Usually it is #1 on the list.

This particular #1 states: " Stop spending time with the wrong people. -- Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it's not the people that stand by your side when you're at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you're at your worst that are your true friends."

Let's break this down for a little bit.

1) Stop spending time with the wrong people. - I think this is one of the worst snippets of advice ever! If we really and truly think about it, in that statement is some kind of determination that MY judgement is the be-all-and-end-all. I should decide who the "wrong" people are. I have met a lot of people that were really not great for me, but their influence helped me be better. A lot better. Yes, instead, let's be judgmental and elitist in who we "let" into our inner circle. No. Life is always filled with people we don't agree with, people who behave or believe differently, and people that challenge us. Avoiding those people does not allow anyone to get to the point in their growth or progress that they need to be.

2) Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. - While I agree that we choose our company, I don't agree that anyone has the power to "suck the happiness" out of me unless I let them. I get to choose my thoughts, my attitudes and my behaviors, please don't blame other people for that. There, again, will be difficult people to deal with, oftentimes at school or at work. I cannot very well stop going to work, stop going to school, or heaven-forbid stop being a part of a family just because someone is bothersome to me. You choose your life. You also choose your happiness.

3) If someone wants you in their life, they'll make room for you. You shouldn't have to fight for a spot. - This one is the biggest conundrums of all. If I am sitting, waiting for someone to chase after me and pursue me and everyone else is taking that SAME advice, then nobody will end up being with anyone. Then everyone thinks that nobody wants to be around them. I agree, I shouldn't be some desperate person that has not realized the subtle or not-so-subtle hints about someone's interest, but if I want to be friends with someone, I am responsible for my efforts. If nobody tries, nobody has friends. I let people in that I want in and I seek out people that I want in as well. Sitting at home feeling sorry for myself has never done me any good. What happened to the old saying, "to have a friend, be a friend"? Or something very close to that. Let's perpetuate the victim attitude by telling people they have no control over their life or what happens to them.

Okay. Rant over. But seriously?!

Free To Choose

I feel like I have spent much of my life trying not to have an opinion on things. Really. Especially when it comes to politically correct things.

I spend so much time talking to people about how the behavior of other people has affected them. Naturally, some things, such as any form of abuse, has an impact. But I also strive to work to support people in realizing that the other person's behavior is about THEIR struggle and not about my client's worth. It is a lesson I continually have to learn.

The more I do this. Usually on a daily basis, the more passionate I become of ownership of one's own feelings. The place you are right now is completely within your control. The thing that gets me upset is that there are people in the world that behave as though they are entitled to their way of things. Just because you have an opinion and throw a bigger fit than someone else does not mean that you are entitled to step all over what someone else's opinion is. It just doesn't. The world has turned into this place where people are aggressive or passive and very few people are assertive. Very few people know how to respect someone else's beliefs without imposing theirs on someone else.

The number of people that come into my clinic and hate "the church" because of the way they have been treated by members infuriates me. The way that people walk around claiming to be a victim and behaving as though they cannot stop someone from treating them poorly is irksome. I have been working with a couple recently (loving it!) and they are so very negative. They yell, blame, name-call, point fingers, insult, and degrade each other. Every action or phrase is intended to harm the other person. But they do not want to own their own behavior. They also do not want to quit. I completely admire not giving up on marriage, but if they continue like this, one of them will die. Really.

At no point is it anyone else's job to make you accept yourself. If you need the world to accept you so you can accept yourself, you are on the wrong track. I'm not going to change what I believe about families, marriage, healthy relationships, etc. just because you think something different. Yes, you are free to make your choices. I LOVE free agency. Love. It. But I draw the line and your agency imposing upon mine.

I feel like the world, especially the current US government, is making rules to remove agency from the equation. There are some rules that just are ridiculous. If I cannot impose my belief system at my child's school by allowing her the right to pray or say the Pledge of Allegiance, or whatever, then someone taking AWAY that right is imposing on me. Since when is one imposition okay and the other isn't? In reality, it isn't. It never was.

I am sick and tired of people choosing to be offended. I have too many clients that are offended by what people choose. They create stories to support their feelings of being criticized or judged by others that disagree with them, but very rarely are they true.

I know this may seem random and people that know me will wonder what triggered this, but I've been thinking a lot about it. About entitlement. About passivity, aggression, and assertiveness.

My longest running client always felt criticized. She was ashamed of her heritage. She hid who she was out of fear. She often found the most offensive interpretation of each encounter with others. As a result, she was very suicidal. A few months into our sessions I talked with her about her tendency to choose to be offended. Since then the progress has been amazing. She shares her heritage proudly. She started participating with others socially. She stood up to those mistreating her.

I have my own opinions and beliefs about what is right and wrong. Most of it is subjective. What is best in one situation may be explosive in another. The thing is, it isn't my job to judge where you are or your process. But please keep your nose out of my own business and changing my rights. I get to choose. Me. Stop trying to change who I am because it threatens who you are. What you believe about yourself is what threatens who you are. Nothing else. If more people looked at themselves and tried to be better than they were yesterday instead of pointing at other people's mistakes, sins, indiscretions, etc. the world would be a million times better.

There are ways to influence people for good. Force is never one of them. Let's forget about laws and remember to just care about each other. Can't it just be that easy?

Remember Me

I have a pretty awesome memory. I can tell you the phone number of my next door neighbors when I was nine years old. I remember the birthday of a missionary that served his mission in Birmingham when I was sixteen. I randomly remember dates and numbers all over the place just because of the way I connect things. Sometimes I even surprise myself.

For all of this, I still forget things. My mind will quickly remember painful things and forget the positive things. I forget how much people genuinely care about me. I forget the things that keep me going. I forget my coping skills. I forget the things I need to do to keep myself positive and not in my dark place. I forget my priorities. I forget my values and beliefs. I forget the things that matter.

As I was having a really hard week this week, I noticed yesterday all the things I forget. There are cautions all throughout the scriptures to remember a variety of things. I have emotional triggers all over the place that help me remember terrible things and affect my mood, but I am not good at remembering to balance that out or fight it with uplifting things. When I search the church Gospel Library app on my phone, there are 20,000 results for "Remember". Probably because it caps out at that, not because that is all. I think Satan's biggest tool is loss of memory.  Some days, most days, maybe all I need to do is remember.

Missing

I don't miss people. Wait, that sounds cold and distant. I realized this week that I don't let myself miss people. I am sure it is terribly unhealthy. My emotional investment is often proximal in an out-of-sight-out-of-mind type of way. If I don't see you regularly, my mind doesn't allow me to become nostalgic. Now, don't get me wrong, I have my moments, but I think part of me doesn't believe I can handle it.

The times I have allowed myself to really and truly think about it doesn't look pretty. It spirals me into this sobbingly gross sadness that takes a very very long time to overcome. It is especially hard living so far away. I could possibly list every day all the luxuries I miss while living in the middle of nowhere. I could think about how I've only been to Wal-Mart maybe ten times in five years. I could think about how a flight out of Moab costs around $850/person and driving to see anyone of emotional significance would take hours, there are no spontaneous trips home. I could think about the fact that the last time I spent the Holidays with my family was in 2007 before I was married. I could think about not being able to bring my sister ice cream when she had her tonsils out. Or I could think about the fact that two of my coworkers lost someone in their family this week and how soon the next person in my family could die and how long it has been since I have seen them. I could think about my best friends making new friends because we don't live close by. I could think about my daughter not getting to know her cousins the way I got to know mine.

Most days I don't let myself think about those things. It isn't helpful. But I noticed that not thinking about those things gives this inaccurate depiction of what I want. My daughter then doesn't know I have brothers or most of my sisters. I don't talk about my family. I don't get to talk to my family as often as I'd like. My narrative says that by the time she is in bed, so is everyone else on the East Coast. Or that they don't want to hear from me anyway. Or something equally illogical and emotionally skewed.

The reality is... I really do miss people, I just don't know what to do about it.Obviously it's a little exacerbated by the day or the fact that I actually have time to think about anything. Or knowing that all my male cousins (and some female ones) are gathered somewhere playing football right now. Then throw the Iron Bowl (the only football I really ever really miss watching) into the mix this week and the South calls to me stronger than any other time of the year.