Or, "gotcha day" as it is often referred to in the adoption world. I have never felt entirely comfortable with that term, for a variety of reasons upon which I will not elaborate. We use "family day" to denote the day on which we first met Nora and we became a family. December 24th. It's perfect because it gives us a great excuse to open a few presents early (which is a tradition in my family anyway) and it's a day I'm not likely to forgot (unlike birthdays, which I always forget, as evidenced by my putting the wrong date for Nora's birthday in this year's photo album).
Family day for us this year was spent in Hawaii, with extended family, which made it especially nice. This was also the first year that Nora really "got" the meaning of family day. We gave her a little Hawaiian bracelet as a gift, and talked about the day we met her in China and how little she was, but still so brave. We told her how much fun we had on that first day together (some may recall that, when adopting a child from China, the adoptive parents are given a 24 hour "harmonious period", during which time they have to decide for sure if they will finalize the adoption. This harmonious period is made official through the signing of a badly photocopied "document" that essentially states 'we promise to keep this child safe for the next 24 hours and return to either finalize the adoption or back out'). We told her how we loved her right away. We told her how lucky we were to be her parents.
This day also makes me aware of how relatively unique we are as a family. I think about what exactly it means for Nora to be adopted and how that will change all of the conversations we and others have with her about the meaning of "family."
I am one of those fortunate people who rarely is asked stupid questions about adoption. I live in a community that is pretty aware and sensitive (okay, it's just ridiculously politically correct) to adopted kids and adoptive parents. Probably the worst, and most frequent, question I have been asked is "are you going to have your own kids too?" I hate that one. And it stupefies me--especially because, most of the time this question comes from a person who has children. I can't see how anyone with children (biological or non-biological) could think for a moment that biology has anything to do with parenting. I know that sounds cliche, but now that I have parented Nora for two years (she has officially been my daughter for longer than she was not my daughter), I understand that the process of giving birth is such a minor component of the process. In fact, I often have to remind myself that I did not give birth to Nora. I don't mean to say that "nature" is irrelevant. It's clearly not. I'm just saying that when you spend day in and day out with a child for days, weeks, months, years...how he or she came to you is, in fact, irrelevant. It really, really is. I have another post brewing about the sheer "coolness" of adoption and the incorporation of a child's history into one's family, but that's for another day.
The other thing that comes up on occasion is "why China?" This is usually followed by "but there are so many children in the United States who need families" (in some form or another). Or a comment insinuating that we adopted from China because "that's what all Americans do." As though we followed the latest trend rather than considered carefully our future and the future of our child. To be honest, I don't have a good answer to that particular "why" question (and, believe me, I'm getting really good at answering "why" questions...more on that later). I have friends who have adopted infants domestically (not through the foster system) and friends who have adopted through the foster system; friends who have adopted internationally, and friends who have done all three. I have friends who have undergone years of fertility treatments to have families. I have friends who have only adopted children without special needs and those who have adopted only children with special needs. I have one friend who decided she did not want to adopt (after years of IVF) and then adopted the daughter of her cousin. We started on the path to adoption with all options on the table, and this is where we ended up. The circumstances at the time made China the best fit, and we were lucky that we were matched very quickly with a child who is perfect for our family. I don't know if I would adopt from China again (okay, that's a lie; it we were eligible to adopt from China again, I would do it in a heartbeat. As it stands we are not). But I know that there are many ways that people build and add to their families (or not) and those choices are...well...complicated.
After we gave Nora her bracelet, she asked me "is it yours and daddy's family day too? or just mine?" and I said "it's all of ours. Daddy's, mine, and yours." She said "I want to give you a pine cone for a present. You can decorate it and put it on the Christmas tree."
Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to everyone! Especially to miss Nora, who has made our lives perfectly complete.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Savant?
For those of you who have commented on Nora's long fingers (i.e. everyone), we finally are putting them to good use.
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