I was derailed today. And it’s another clear as mud moment in my life.

A lovely friend of mine, who for reasons which completely elude me, feels it’s necessary to do herself harm. She’s a cutter. I know this to be true as she bolstered the courage once, to show me some of her scars.

This time of year is hard for her. She had a miscarriage three years ago and has not recovered from the loss. In the past three years she’s tried to commit suicide at least twice. She has been seen by a psychiatrist, a psychologist and no less than two other therapists.

At the beginning of September, she and I spent a day making Christmas ornaments. She made one for her little lost soul, and was looking forward to hanging it on her tree. I took it as a good sign.

She’s been actively working through the self-harming pattern. She’s been buoyant and brave and even flown to NSW for a vacation with friends. She’s begun a new job and everyone adores her. She’s one of those incredibly sweet people you instinctively like and want in your world.

The day before yesterday my friend called to say she’d voluntarily admitted herself in hospital because she was afraid she would hurt herself. Really hurt herself. She was panicked. She wanted to be in a place where she felt safe. I was caught a bit off-guard as I didn’t realize she was still so vulnerable, but relieved at her decision to get help.

Last night she called to say she’d finally managed to sleep and her tone was positive. She gave me her number and we chatted about the storms we’re having in Southeast Queensland.

This morning her doctor discharged her. She called me, crying, and I kept her company while she waited for her mum. She was scared. I can’t begin to imagine what that must be like, to be afraid of yourself.

Out of all the educated, highly trained people taking care of my friend, her psychologist is the only one she trusts. And here’s the rub: Only the psychiatrist has the authority to issue medications or hospitalisations. And her psychiatrist thinks she’s faking, that all she’s after is attention. He’s officially diagnosed her as ‘A Borderline’ which evidently means ‘an attention grabber’ and dismissed her like yesterday’s bread.

I hope he’s right. Although I don’t understand how someone who hides cutting themselves is grabbing for attention, I do hope he’s right. Because if he’s not and my friend disappears from my world?  I won’t have any regrets when my knee accidentally makes contact with his testicles .