Memorial Day

Memorial day took on a completely new meaning for me this year.  I didn't realize it before hand, but now I can't express with words how much it means to me that so many of my Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, Grandparents went and visited Neil's Head Stone on Memorial Day.  I don't want him to be forgotten.  So, thank you.

Hella-topper (as Liam says it)

A week or two ago a Medi-Vac Helicopter landed behind Sean's school.  (No emergencies... just for the students to see/experience or whatever).  Liam and I went down to check it out.  Liam Loved sitting in the pilot seat and "pushing" all the buttons.  We had to keep a close eye on him =)

Easter Eggs 2013

Our Time

Sweet Baby Neil,

Your brother Liam has been in bed for hours but I check on him once more before your dad and I go to bed.  I quietly go into his room and cover him back up with blankets as he never fails to have wiggled out of them.  I give him a kiss and take just a few seconds to admire him.  So sweet and peaceful and innocent.  I wish him a good night one more time and leave his room. 

After the nightly routine of getting myself ready for bed I say my prayers.  I always pray for you Neil.  I never know quite what to say, quite what to pray for exactly.  So I just pray for you. That you know I love you.  Then your dad and I say our prayers together.  Again we thank Heavenly Father you and pray for you.  We are always thinking of you spoken or not.

Your dad and I then lie down, I pile the blankets high, your dad sleeps with only the sheet.  Sometimes we talk, sometimes your dad is so exhausted he is asleep literally when his head hits the pillow.  I hear his rhythmic breathing and feel happy he is finally getting to sleep after one more long stressful day.

And then, then it is our time.  Just you and me.

In the stillness of the night my thoughts turn completely to you.  Every aspect of you.  Most often I replay every detail imaginable of our last day together.  I always think of what it felt like to hold you in my arms.  Of your defined eyebrows, your knowing eyes.  I think about all of the people who took care of you.  I think about our time in the hospital together.  I think about you.

In the stillness of the night when seemingly the rest of the world (at least my world) is asleep you have my full attention and love.  As the minutes and hours pass by on the clock I hold on to every bit of you I can.  I hope you are happy.  I know you are happy.  I hope you don't miss me, but I hope you know me.  I hope you love me.  I hope you know how much I miss you and how much I love you.

Sometimes I am so tired and "our time" continues on into the early morning hours and I know I need to get to sleep or I'll be miserable the next day.  But it's not as easy as that.  Sometimes my mind wanders to other things going on in my life.... but one way or another my thoughts always wind back on you.  My baby. 

I like our time together.  It is always filled with so many emotions.  But most importantly it is filled with you.

I miss you Neil.

I love you Neil.

The other day your big brother was asking for you out of the blue.  I thought maybe he was asking for "noodles"... but I repeatedly asked him if he wanted "noodles" or "Neil".  He wanted you.  He misses you to.  I hope you two play together in your dreams.

I'm going to go lay down and try to go to sleep again.  I'm sure I won't drift off very quickly so we still have plenty of "our time" together.

I love you,
mom

A Normal Question Turnned Hard

Want to know one of the hardest questions to answer?

How many kids do you have? 

yep, I can say "one" (they can clearly see I have one b/c Liam right there). But that's not true, and I don't like to say "one" because Neil is a real person, he is my kid, and I almost feel like I am disowning or disrespecting him if I say "one".  Like I have forgotten him or something.

But... If I say "two" then inevitably they say something like where is the other, or how old is he, or something like that.  Then I have to explain that he died two months ago.  Then there is that very awkward pause and ohh, im so sorry.  Some people go on and on about a friends twice removed cousins sister in laws brother in law who lost a baby.  Or something to that affect. And of course the looks of pity. 

There is no good way to answer that question.

Clerical Side of Death

Aside from the "grieving process" which I'm not really sure I know what that is anyway... there are quite a few other things that come along when a person dies.  

I got my first taste of this in August of 2011 when I stayed up in Port Angeles with my Grandpa as my Grandma was dyeing.. and died.  I got a huge drop kick into the world of dealing with arranging funerals, cremations, calling endless insurance companies, life insurance, utilities etc to let them know my grandma had died and to "take care of"  all sorts of affairs.  It was emotional, stressful, and hard but I did it.  I was happy to do it.  I was happy to be there for my Grandpa doing all the "hard" clerical thing that needed done so he didn't have to deal with them.

But this experience DID NOT prepare me in the least for dealing with all the clerical things that need taken care of when your own child dies.

Tomorrow it will be two months.  Two months since I held my baby in my arms and kissed his sweet cheeks.  The ache hasn't lessened. 

The clerical parts of dealing with death haven't seemed to lessen yet either. 

The week following Neil's passing we had to deal with answering a lot of questions we had never considered.  Where do we bury our baby? How, when, program, what funeral home, how do we transport him to Vale?  What it will cost aprox. $2000 to transport him.... ok we will do it ourselves... can we legally do it ourselves?  Need special permits.. ok well..  who will speak at the funeral, logistics, programs, food... etc... endless it seemed.

There is always  a call or letter from some place it seems with something regarding Neil passing. 

Most recently I called his insurance company b/c I couldn't' remember if I had ever called them to let them know he had died or not.  I figured better safe than sorry.

After waiting on hold (of course)  I bravely uttered the words, "my little baby, Neil Owen Penberthy died".  The very kind lady couldn't immediately find record of his death in the state database and told me that I needed to mail them verification that he had ACTUALLY DIED. 

oh, man it was all I could do to hold in the sobs.  Seriously!!  They needed proof!  They didn't believe me?!?  I promised the lady that he was not here anymore.  She again kindly told me she understood but needed proof. 

Really!? 

Dealing with these "clerical" things just seem to make hard things harder.

Standing Still

While I was in Seattle with Neil I met a girl.  Her name is Nicole.  We met one night when I had the courage to ask if I could sit with her and her 18month old daughter at a dinner table (at the Ronald McDonald House).  There were plenty of open tables, but I was just lonely.  From that night on I often found myself sitting with her.  She became a friend, a familiar face, someone who "understood". 

I read her blog post this morning and what she expressed tugged at what few remaining heart strings I have that are intact.  She so well put into words my feelings and emotions.  Most everything she says I too feel.



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Pray for her. Pray for her little Jade.  Cancer is a horrible, horrible beast.  Nicole and little spunky Jade are still in Seattle battling, never knowing what the next day, let alone hours will bring. 


Much love,
Anna