The Ultimate Finger Food

Has anyone else enjoyed following this "found a finger in the chili" story? On CNN.com this morning the headline was "Police: Woman lied about finger In Wendy' s chili." Brilliant detective work Sherlock Holmes. You, me, Wendy's and the new Pope all knew from day 1 that this lady was trying to scam Wendy's. In fact, just the other day the new Pope was saying to me, "Damn I wish they'd finally catch that Wendy's chili finger lady. She's stealing my headlines." From your mouth to God's ear Pope. It sure would be nice to have that kind of pull with the big guy wouldn't it? Anyway, back to the chili finger. I think Wendy's could turn this situation into a marketing bonanza. Imagine how popular it would be if Wendy's started selling chili that came with one of those fake Halloween fingers in it? They could even make it a contest and have one special gold finger. If you found that in your chili you could win the amount of money the lady was suing Wendy's for.

There's A New Pope...

and it's not me. Again. The whole process just pisses me off. It's all political. It's who you know. It's who you kissed up to. Just because I'm not a glad handing Cardinal in the Catholic church I don't even get a whiff of consideration for the job. I didn't even get a single write in vote. That is totally not fair. If I am ever elected Pope the first thing I'm going to do is revise that hat. It's got to be a total pain in the ass to get through doorways wearing a 3 foot hat. I think a nice papal baseball cap worn backwards would be cool. It could have a big "V" on the front for Vatican. If I was Pope I'd also have one of those big foam No. 1 fingers for waving from the balcony to the millions of people who wait outside all the time. You know there is no way that the guy standing 800 rows back from the Vatican can see that little Miss America wave that the Pope does. I've got a goatee. If I were Pope I'd keep that. A Pope with a goatee would be cool. Especially if it was me.

The Cinco Razor?

When I was a kid my dad used to shave his face with a razor with a single blade right before he splashed on the Olde English Leather. Then when I began to shave I had a razor with two blades. Then in college they added the "lubri-smooth strip." After that some company came up with three blades to lift and separate your beard. I think it was your beard they were lifting and separating, or was that why they invented the Playtex 18 hour bra. What happens to the bra after 18 hours? Does it turn into a pair of pumpkins at midnight or something? Anyway, now there's a razor with 4 blades!!! What's next, 5 blades? 6 blades? Or perhaps we stick our heads into some sort of facial food processor with 20 spinning blades? When will this madness end? It's like some sort of Cold War arms race with razors where each company has to keep increasing the number of blades to stay one ahead of the other. None of these new blades is anywhere close to being as cool as those Norelco ads they used to show during the "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special where the electric razor cruised through the snow.

Johnnie Cochran Is Dead

If the coffin fits you must acquit. I guess you got your final acquittal Johnnie.

Dave Coulier?!!?

Does everyone remember that Alanis Morrissette song from a few years back where she's really pissed about her boyfriend breaking up with her and getting a new girlfriend really quick? Everyone's first thought upon hearing that song had to be, "This is the angriest, most bitter woman I've ever heard." I just recently found out that the subject of her intense hatred in that song was Dave Coulier. If you just said, "Who's Dave Coulier?" Let me remind you. Remember the sitcom from the early 1990's, Full House? Now you're remembering, right? Dave Coulier was the dorky, blonde, comedian who did cartoon character voices. Alanis, come on! You've got to be kidding me! You're upset about losing that guy?!!? Those weren't even original cartoon character voices he did. He was copying voices other people did. That's not a real comedian, that's the annoying kid in the lunch room in junior high. Apparently in Canada where Dave and Alanis are from he must be some sort of national hero, because I just don't get why Alanis would mourn the loss of that guy. I mean really, over the last 10 years, how many of us have thought to ourselves, Gosh, I wish Dave Coulier was on TV more often"? I can see being upset over Bob Saget breaking up with you, but not Dave Coulier. And don't even get me started on Uncle Jesse.

The Pope

Now that the Pope has passed away there's a job opening. I was thinking of applying because I'm pretty sure it pays more than my current salary and I know the job comes with a company car. What could be more cool than cruising around town in the Popemobile? I'm sure that car has got to be a total babe magnet. You can't tell me that chicks wouldn't just love to ride in that top part waving to their friends, "Look at me, I'm going out with the Pope!" I'd have to seriously consider putting some bitchin' flame decals on it though.

What Up Dawg?

Is it just me or is everyone sick of Randy Jackson's act on American Idol? How many times can we hear, "What up dawg?" Or his other favorite, "It was a little pitchy in spots," or "It was just ahh ight for me." The dude is like one of those action figures where you squeeze him and he has three pre-programmed phrases he rotates through. Nearly as bad is Paula Abdul. Has anyone else noticed that this season she seems drunk every week? She loves everyone this season and seems to find an excuse to physically grab Simon Cowell every week. Considering her recent charge of leaving the scene of an accident after she clipped another car on the freeway, how ironic is it that her big 1988 hit song, Straight Up, included the line "caught in a hit and run"?