Another Thing I'll Do....

when I'm elected President or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, is to pass a law straightening out the calendar once and for all. I'm sick and tired of trying to remember which months have 30 or 31 days, and why does February get screwed?

The year didn't always begin on January 1st. Until Julius Caesar introduced his calendar in 45 B.C. the year started on different days depending upon your country or religion. That's right, Julius Caesar came up with "his" calendar. He may have been an arrogant, self-righteous, tyrannical dictator, but hey, what's wrong with that if you've got good ideas? In fact, there used to be 10 months that ranged in length from 20-35 days. People have been screwing with the calendar for centuries. It wasn't until 1582 that Pope Gregory put the current calendar in place. When he did, the Protestants called him "The Roman Antichrist", claiming that he made up the new calendar just to keep them from worshipping on the right days. What a bunch of morons! Yeah, that's right Protestants, the Pope was opposed to Christ. Brilliant. Can you imagine the Pope thinking to himself, "I'll fix those anal-retentive Protestants once and for all! I'll make a new calendar for the entire world just so they can't find their own holidays. HA HA HA HA HA HA (maniacal laughter)." You'd never imagine a Pope having maniacal laughter, but there it is. If I change the calendar and someone refers to me as The Antichrist I'd feel honored. I mean, being considered THE Antichrist is pretty prestigious. Not a whole lot of people have been tagged with that title throughout history.

The current calendar wasn't introduced until 1582 and wasn't used worldwide until the 1700's. It's only been in use 300 years! I don't think it would be that traumatic to tweak it a little. Here's my proposal: Make every month the same length, 28 days. Every week has 7 days and every month would have 4 weeks. Nice round numbers even the bottom feeders in society could grasp. I believe that over the course of our lives we all probably lose about a month of time just figuring out how many days certain months have and whether or not we can schedule something on September 31st for instance. How many times have you been in conversation trying to figure out how many weeks until you go on vacation? If the months all had the same amount of days it would be easy! How often do you go to a calendar to check if a month has 30 or 31 days? All that time would be saved with my new calendar. This may seem like a radical idea, but scientists are doing it all the time. This past New Years they added an extra second to 2005 to correct for something about the Earth's orbit around the Sun. What do you think Leap Day, February 29th is all about? Same thing. Yes, I realize that by implementing my idea the seasons would gradually shift to different parts of the year, but Caesar implemented his calendar in 45 B.C. and by the time it was fixed by Pope Gregory 1500 years later we were only 10 days off schedule based on Earth's orbit. 10 days in 1500 years! If I were to change the calendar would any of you really give a rats ass if the people on planet Earth in the year 3506 would have to make a new one?

The Cinco Razor?

When I was a kid my dad used to shave his face with a razor with a single blade right before he splashed on the Olde English Leather. Then when I began to shave I had a razor with two blades. Then in college they added the "lubri-smooth strip." After that some company came up with three blades to lift and separate your beard. I think it was your beard they were lifting and separating, or was that why they invented the Playtex 18 hour bra. What happens to the bra after 18 hours? Does it turn into a pair of pumpkins at midnight or something? Anyway, now there's a razor with 4 blades!!! What's next, 5 blades? 6 blades? Or perhaps we stick our heads into some sort of facial food processor with 20 spinning blades? When will this madness end? It's like some sort of Cold War arms race with razors where each company has to keep increasing the number of blades to stay one ahead of the other. None of these new blades is anywhere close to being as cool as those Norelco ads they used to show during the "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer" Christmas special where the electric razor cruised through the snow.

Save A Tree and A Marriage

As a citizen who is very concerned with the future of global warming, tropical rainforests, and the I.Q. of every man, woman, and child on the planet, I do not believe that famous people should be allowed to date or marry each other. What do celebrity relationships have to do with the environment you ask? Thanks for asking. I'll tell you. Consider what the public at large has been subjected to over the past 12 months: Tom and Katie, Ben and Jennifer, Brad and Angelina, Nick and Jessica, and of course the other Jennifer's angst over Brad. If you sing that all really fast you could probably get something like Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start The Fire." See? Even without their last names almost everyone on planet Earth knows who they are and what, or who they've been doing. Had all of these celebs elected to date John or Jane Doe's, probably no less than 6 weekly or monthly magazines would go out of business. People, Us, Star, Celebrity, The Sun, etc.. Without all of these magazines more trees would survive, thus ensuring a healthy and happy planet for our grandchildren. If Nick and Jessica had never laid eyes on each other we'd probably have been able to save a rainforest the size of Greenland. Another point to consider for the celebs to consider before choosing their mate is the abysmal success rate of celebrity marriages. There's only one celebrity marriage I know of that has stood the test of time without inundating the public periodicals and airwaves with their inane trials and tribulations: Danny Devito and Rhea Perlman. I don't mind them. They're cute because they're little.

This Town Isn't Big Enough For The Both of Us

I hate Dr. Phil. I have many reasons for this. My opinion of him is so low that I feel fair in saying that he gives all Phils a bad name. Actually, it was my parents that gave me a bad name. I wanted to be called Scott. Back to Dr. Phil. Regardless of what college degree he has and how many pounds he helped Oprah lose, he is a crackpot. It is not good therapy to tell people how stupid they are. It may be good television, but it is not good therapy. As a therapist named Phil I am constantly referred to as "Dr. Phil." If I had a high opinion of the man and his skills I wouldn't mind the "fun" my patients have with the name. If my name was Albert and people wanted to call me Einstein, I would be totally cool with that. If I was Leonardo and people wanted to call me DaVinci, no problem. I wouldn't even care about the Ninja Turtle references. For me, being called Dr. Phil is like a nurse being called Nurse Ratchet or every man named Osama being called Bin Laden. (Yes, there are others in the world with the name Osama. I met one once) Dr. Phil gives mental health a bad name the way Attila gave Huns a bad name. To clear the good name of Phil once and for all I'd like to challenge Dr. Phil to a therapy Olympics. Some of the gymnastic events would include the mood swings and the Lithium levels. In track and field we could compete in the Ritalin Races. For swimming we could practice drowning peoples sorrows. I say that someone needs to find us a set of identical twins with identical mental health issues and the first man to help their patient wins. That's right Dr. Phil, I'm calling you out! Bring it on fat man! You seriously don't want a piece of me! And I want this event televised as a reality show hosted by some Carson Daly clone with rogue-ishly messy hair. Breaking Bonaduce? Puh-lease! I'd snap Danny in two by the second episode. I'm that good.

Guns Don't Kill People, Athletes Do!

...or at least they threaten to. Three times in the last month athletes have menaced the public with firearms. It used to be that we were only in danger of assault by athletes if we actually attended a sporting event. Last month, apparently in a hurry to replenish his supply of bling before the holidays, former major league relief pitcher Jeff Reardon held up a jewelry store by giving the clerk a note saying he had a gun. Then the oft-troubled former Denver Bronco running back, Maurice Clarett, who is no longer toting a football, was wanted for toting a gun during one of his evenings out on the town during which he robbed a couple. If we measured Maurice Clarett's rap sheet against his yardage total in the NFL could you guess which is longer? Now Atlanta Falcons QB Michael Vick's younger brother, Marcus, fresh off having his football scholarship revoked by Virginia Tech, threatened a 17 year old with a gun in the parking lot of a McDonald's. There's nothing hokey about that! I'm starting to wonder if the Homeland Security Act should spend more time tracking star athletes.

They say that sports is but a microcosm of society. What society is that?!!? The only society I know of where the people with tremendous physical gifts turn to a life of crime is in Gotham City or Metropolis. Unfortunately, Superman won't be showing up to save us anytime soon. I think that Milton Bradley or some other game company could really capitalize on this recent trend. Why not market a sports themed game of Clue? "I want to solve the crime! I think it's O.J. Simpson in the alley with a knife!"

An Answer For You

Many of you were kind enough to participate in the very brief psychological exam I posted here two days ago. The responses seemed overwhelmingly in favor of invisibility as the power of choice. The question is a bit of a projective test with your choice possibly telling a little bit about you. What did the two choices mean? If you chose flying it may symbolize either a desire to escape something you are fearful of, or striving for a lofty goal. It means the same in your dreams too. Those of you that chose invisibility should be ashamed of yourselves! A desire to be invisible could represent low self-esteem and a desire not to be noticed, or more disturbingly, it reveals your inner criminal. Think about it. Nothing you can do invisibly is legal or good. Wanting to know what others say about you when you're not around? That's a sign of insecurity in your relationships with others. Voyuerism? Fun, but illegal and stalker-like. Going to concerts or sporting events? It seems harmless, but is the same as stealing since admission is charged for all the visible people to enter. I didn't do this to embarrass anyone, because in all honesty, as much as I want to say that I'm pious and good and that I would choose flying, I really would probably choose invisibility and do evil things too. Sadly,based on our representative sample, I guess that we can conclude that man, and woman kind is inherently evil. Evil is more fun anyway isn't it?

A Question For You...

If a magic genie named Phil came to you and said, "I can give you one special power. You can have either the ability to fly, or the ability to become invisible at will."
Which one would you choose and why?

I'm Thinking Arby's!

No I'm not. I'm repulsed by Arby's. Specifically, I'm repulsed by their new commercials in which everyone is distracted from their work because of the big, glowing red, neon penis floating above their heads. Where is the public outcry about this? I cannot be the only person that has noticed it. If you're not familiar with the commercials, imagine that picture on the left, but with the word taken out. Yeah, you see what's left now. Everyone freaked out a few years ago about Hooters restaurants and their transparently obvious logo featuring the owls with very big uh...eyes. Why aren't there some sort of conservative Christian groups picketing and boycotting Arby's? Why hasn't our Congress gotten busy passing laws against this kind of obvious sexual innuendo in commercials? And why aren't there more commercials featuriing men distracted from their jobs because they have big, glowing red, neon breasts on their mind? At least that would be realistic.

Tag! I'm IT !

I've only been tagged once before and replied by answering the questions in a comment. This is not an open invitation for everyone else to tag me with anything they come across. I will respond to this one tag this one time. In typical Phil style however, half the answers will be truthful and half will be lies. It's up to you to figure out which is which.

2 names you go by: Phil and Flip
2 parts of your heritage: Ukrainian and Welsh
2 things that scare you: Being buried alive in a box and meteors hitting the Earth, more specifically, hitting me.
2 of your everyday essentials: A massage and vodka.
2 things you are wearing right now: A smile and a goatee.
2 things you want in a relationship: Sanity and body piercings.
2 truths: 1. I'm Phil. 2. Everything is easier than you think it is.
2 of your favorite hobbies: Writing and rock climbing.
2 things you want really badly: To make a living writing and a Brazilian Butt Lift.
2 places you want to go on vacation: The Amazon jungle and northern India.
2 things you want to do before you die: I'm not going to die. Don't even suggest that. It's not funny.
2 ways that you are stereotypically a guy: I love to work on my car and my abs.
2 things you are thinking about now: 1)"Hey, cool. I got through this and now I can get away without posting anything new for another day." 2)"With a bod like mine I can't believe more women don't hit on me on a daily basis."
2 stores you shop at: Victoria's Secret and the Dewey Ave. Smoke Shop.

The last question I omitted because it required me to tag two others. If you want to take this tag and do it on your own blog, go right ahead. Keep in mind, only half my answers are truthful. Sometimes I spilt the question giving one truth and one lie and sometimes I gave two truths or two lies. Maybe you can post your comments about what you think is truth or lies. If I've had enough vodka today maybe I'll even answer.

Hello Dali

This morning I woke up, got out of bed, dragged a comb across my head. Then I began my commute into the enormously mediocre city that I live near. Admittedly, I am a very curious driver. It's not that I don't pay enough attention while I'm driving, it's just that I'm paying too much attention to my surroundings with very little consideration given to the fact that my surroundings and I are moving at 65 mph. "They" say that "curiosity killed the cat." Chances are that the cat in question was driving to work much the same way that I do. I'm a people watcher. Even when I'm driving. Not a fellow driver goes by that doesn't get a good once over from me. Most mornings I entertain myself by spotting the vehicular American Idol contestants or the people doing their crossword, drinking coffee, and talking on their cell phones all at the same time. Enjoyably, sometimes I spot friends and co-workers. This morning as I observed my fellow commuters, most of whom look as if they are walking the green mile, I saw an amazing license plate. It was a vanity plate. Most vanity plates have what the owners apparently assume are very clever names such as "HotMom12" or "IH8U." The vanity plate I took note of this morning simply stated the drivers name: "DaliLama." Maybe it's just me, but I would have never guessed that the Dali Lama would drive a teal green Ford Contour. I always figured that he would commute to work on a camel or well...a llama. I also never imagined he would wear wrap-around sunglasses, but there he was.

Queer Eye For The Moving Guy

I'm ba-a-a-a-ck! My move is over and I finally have phone, cable t.v. and internet again. For a few days there I was living like the pioneers. Only 4 t.v. channels and a cell phone. Don't let my chipper tone fool you, it was rough. Today I was jonesing to write so bad that I actually picked up one of those...what do you call them? Pens, I think are what my parents called them in the old days. Did you know that if you press one down on a piece of blank paper and move it very carefully you can actually form the same letters that are on the keys of your computer keyboard? I actually wrote out this whole post on paper that way while I waited to get my internet conection back.

Back to the title of this post, Queer Eye for the Moving Guy. I hired "professional" movers for my move. When you think of movers don't you typically think of large, burly men who are big on brawn but short on brains? Strength without sophistication perhaps. My movers, Chad, Ernest, Walter, and Mover #4, did not fit the stereotype. As many of us bloggers who do run of the mill everyday jobs aspire to be famous writers, I believe that my movers aspired to be more than their laborous jobs allowed for. My movers seemed to fancy themselves as interior decorators. As the Fab Four were unloading the truck at my new domecile, a furniture delivery truck arrived to bring my new sofa and loveseat. Immediately Chad and Ernest were very curious to know why I had chosen a sofa and loveseat that were not a matching set. A short while later after the loveseat furor had subsided, Walter inquired as to my plans for all of the orange shag carpet that the previous owners favored. This was a question also later echoed by Mover #4. The previous owners of my new home also liked wallpaper. Alot. They liked it enough that their moving out of state may bankrupt the entire local wallpaper industry. Of course the Fab Four had comments on this as well, wanting to know which rooms would remain unchanged and which I would be redecorating. It would not have surprised me in the least if they had begun critiquing my wardrobe as I unpacked the clothes. Needless to say, I found their aesthetic commentary needless, but humorous. I'm not so sure that I would have received as many questions or raisd eyebrows if the real Queer Eye for the Straight Guy guys had moved my stuff. (Incidentally, if the real Queer Eye guys showed up and wanted to redecorate my house and give me a new wardrobe I wouldn't complain.)

Guns Don't Kill People, Phil Does

Here are the Top Ten Reasons Why Phil Does Not Own A Gun:

1. I would kill people.

Ok, I guess there's only one reason. It seems to be a pretty good reason. I'm not a legal expert, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night. While I was there watching CSI and Law and Order a recurring theme seemed to be that killing people was illegal. That's unfortunate. No, don't worry, I'm not fantasizing about going on a crime spree of any kind. I just think that if I had a gun there are times that the stupidity of some people in average, ordinary situations would cause me to snap and fire off a few rounds. In your heart of hearts, don't you all feel the same sometimes? Aren't there at least some behaviors by others that, while they aren't illegal, they are annoying enough that a death penalty should be imposed immediately to prevent it from happening again? Here are some of the everyday situations that I believe could be punishable by death:

1. Writing out a paper check to pay for your purchases in the "7 items and under" line. I considered advocating for the death penalty just for writing paper checks alone, but I was feeling generous today. There should be a special line for paper check writers, or maybe just certain hours of the day that these dopes can go to stores, like when the old people are there.

2. Speaking of yourself in the 3rd person. Phil thinks this is very pretentious and Phil hates it when celebrities and athletes speak of themselves in the 3rd person during interviews.

3. Driving below the speed limit. Unless I see you slumped over your steering wheel unconscious, I expect everyone to maintain the posted speed limit or else I would feel justified in at least firing a warning shot. I often fantasize that my car could have a giant laser mounted on the hood so I could just vaporize anyone who might impede my progress unnecessarily. (Just so you know, if I did see someone slumped over their steering wheel unconscious, I would pull up next to their car, roll down my window, lean out of my car while steering it with my feet, and open their door to give them CPR while both cars were speeding down the freeway.)

I could go on and on. My blog is evidence of that, but I must go. I apologize for having been so inactive on my blog lately. I've been very busy preparing to move. Remember back in October when I talked about selling my house? Well, I'm finally moving this weekend. The fiasco that became my sale could have filled daily blog posts for the past 6 weeks, but it was not amusing to me at all. That being said, I probably won't be able to post again until Tuesday night. I hope you're all still here when I get back.

Oompa Loompa Doompa Dee Do!

Have I got another riddle for you? My riddle is, why in the world would anyone go fake tanning? Not once have I ever woken up and thought to myself, "Hmmm...what to do today? I wonder how I'd look if my skin were orange? While I'm at it, I wish there was a way I could cause my skin to age faster so that my face will look like an old baseball glove by the time I'm 40. If only there was an activity that could meet those two needs!" There's a tanning "studio" right next to my gym. Big surprise eh? You can just imagine what the people look like who frequent both places. They look like Oompa Loompa's on steroids. Even if I wanted to go fake tanning there is no way I could do it. Being a fair skinned lad of Irish descent I imagine that if I laid down in a tanning bed and flipped the "on" switch there would just be a bright flash of flame (fwoosh!) and then there would be nothing left of me but a pile of ashes and a pair of those goofy tanning goggles laying in the bed. To anyone who does go fake tanning, I've got a secret to tell you. We all know it's a fake tan. If I wanted to look at a big, orange head I'd carve a pumpkin.

Happy New Year! Suggestions Anyone?

Well, I'm still here and still posting. One thing that has always bothered me about my blog is how visually bland it is. I don't have any of those bells and whistles that so many of you do. I'd like to brighten the place up a bit. Does anyone have any suggestions for how I could easily do this?