2013: The Year in Preview?

I'm not going to review the year either personally or in music, movies, or news. As is my tradition I will list the things I believe that should happen during the coming year. There isn't a single media outlet that can resist the obligatory "Year in Review" piece. Why? We all know what happened! We don't need the events ranked for us. And for crying out loud don't give us that videography set to music of the people that died this year! That's so depressing it makes me want to join that list immediately. Please fold up your tray tables and put your seats in the upright position. Here is 2013: The Year in Preview:

1. Kill the Fiscal Cliff: I vote we eliminate this phrase from the national vocabulary in 2013. Whether we go "over the fiscal cliff" or not I am tired of the phrase. It's panic mongering by a print media that is looking for something to put in the news magazines and newspapers just to stay in business a little longer before the internet and e-readers render them obsolete. 

2. Flying Cars: Everybody my age was told we'd all have flying cars by now. Well?!!? Where are they? Were the Jetsons lying to us? When I was a kid the year 2013 was way into "the future" where we would all have flying cars. I want mine. Instead of working out the bugs in hybrid vehicles why can't GM or Ford get to work on a flying car. I don't care if the first flying car gets 1 mile per gallon of gas, put me on the list for one. I wonder, what happens if a flying car runs into "the cloud." Will all my iTunes come falling out?

3. An end to the "end of the world": I have "end of the world" fatigue. In 2013 I'd like to see absolutely no mention of the end of the world whether it be by Mayan prophecy, a vengeful deity, asteroids, or zombies. Which brings me to my next wish for 2013...

4. The Year of the Werewolf: We've done ghosts in The Sixth Sense, Paranormal Activity etc. We've done vampires in the form of Twilight (I just threw up in my mouth a little when I typed that). We've done zombies in The Walking Dead and well, just about everything. Let 2013 be the Year of the Werewolves! Yes, I know they've had a little play in the Twilight movies, but c'mon, we have yet to really dedicate a pop culture groundswell of popularity to werewolves. Books, movies, bad t.v. series on the CW, the werewolf marketing opportunities are endless! 

5. Embrace Global Warming: Al Gore is a moron, well, except for inventing the internet. But how is global warming a bad thing? Put on some sunscreen and enjoy! What? The polar ice caps are meltingand ocean levels are rising? Great, more water is available. We have a pipeline that runs from Alaska to the lower 48 states. If we can lay a pipe that long, why not run one from the ocean to the desert areas of Africa so they can grow some crops there! Third world hunger problem eradicated. You're welcome planet Earth.

If you have any ideas of what you think should happen in 2013 feel free to leave them in the comments below. Also, if you want more Phil in your life in 2013 you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and try my new humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons by clicking the link at the top of this page. As always, thank you for reading and if you like what you read please click the Facebook Like or Share buttons.

 

 

Phil on The Shelf

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE! This delightful picture is courtesy of Gooby and his ninja photoshop skills.

It's the End of The World as We Know It...

See? I told you so! I wrote this post on Oct. 13, 2009 and dated it to be released to the blog on Dec. 22, 2012, the day after the Mayan calendar ended and the world was supposed to end. If you're reading this post, apparently that didn't happen. So suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs.

The Elf from Hell?

Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischeivous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 10 years ago as a new, and for some toymaking company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn't aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it. 

Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it's Chistmas magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, "What a bunch of maroons!" The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning. 

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They're terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they're torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives? 

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder? 

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or you can get my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons for your Kindle, Nook or iPad.

 

 

 

 

The Guy Code of Conduct Chapter 3: Present Buying

It's the most wonderful time of the year. Yeah, if you like mental and emotional torture. It's that time of year when we as men are put to the test. The relationship test. Well, it's not THE relationship test. There are countless relationship tests day in and day out that test our mettle as a husband, fiance or boyfriend. Buying presents for special occasions is one of those tests. Whether you celebrate Hannukah or Christmas, put on your thinking caps boys because it's time to sharpen your perceptive accumen. Make no mistake though, it's not me assuming that men have perceptive accumen, it's the women, and therein lies the problem. 

Did anyone see or read The Davinci Code or any of the sequels to it? Professor Robert Langdon kept finding himself in life threatening situations in which he has to solve a mystery using obscure clues found in ancient artifacts and works of art that were usually hidden all over some city. Sounds like Christmas shopping doesn't it? Langdon had it easy though. He was only up against a murderous cult or psychotic nutcase. And if he was successful in saving the day he usually got a little nookie at the end. Still sounds like Christmas shopping to me. 

Now back to that perceptive accumen. Let's hop in Peabody's Wayback Machine, destination 1989. Our hero Phil had a fiance. And a mullet.Typically those last two things are mutually exclusive. One day Phil, his fiance and his mullet were strolling merrily through a store in a mall when the fiance saw a shower massage and said, "Oh, I'd like one of those." Fast forward a month when said fiance opens her Christmas gift to find the aforementioned shower massage. And it was a damn nice shower massage too. If  it was a Davinci Code novel, however,  Langdon's family would be dead and he was getting no nookie. Not even in the shower. I kept the fiance, lost the mullet and stll hear that shower massage mentioned every year as an example of the worst gift buying ever. 

My point is, sometimes the subtle hints women drop regarding what they want are often lost on men. It's not that we're stupid, it's that our brains work differently. Men are hard wired for action and reaction. We are hunters while women are gatherers. I've seen the pet pyschic have better luck interpreting a single woof from a one eyed, three legged basset hound with the pulse of a ficus tree. "What's that Lucky? Your owner doesn't hug you enough? You miss your siblings who were left behind at the pound? Wait, I hear a voice coming through from beyond. I think it's your grandmother. She says 'woof, woof', does that mean something to you? Wait, I'm translating, she says she didn't want a shower massage for Christmas. She wanted a rawhide chew." That's right, it's a pet pychic who channels the spirits of dead animals. And he's still more accurate at that than most men are at deciphering the byzantine, labrynthine maze of clues women leave to test us.

Getting the wrong gift ruins Christmas for everyone. If a woman isn't happy with her gift, we can tell and we feel like a jerk. Nobody wins. Often a Christmas gone wrong might go like this:

Woman: (sigh) "oh, a sweater. Thanks."

Guy: "What? What's wrong? That time when we were in the store you said you liked that sweater.You didn't mention anything else." 

Woman: "Yes I did. Several times. Remember when we went out to dinner and I said I liked the dessert? Well they make the dessert with the Cuisinart 6000 Deluxe Mixmaster Turbo. And I wanted it in taupe to match my kitchen. And one of those Jane Seymour necklaces." 

Guy: "What the hell is taupe? And those stupid Jane Seymour necklaces don't look anything like hearts. They look like swans."

Guys, don't stress yourself over gathering clues. Our brains aren't made they way. We're hunters. Ladies, if you want something just say it and we will go hunt it down. Yeah, I know, not a great final punchline, but c'mon, I worked in shower massages, pet psychics and Jane Seymour here, that's gotta be enough. 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to make Christmas better for everyone, click the Facebook button below to share The Phil Factor. You can now also get The Phil Factor for only 99 cents a month on your Amazon Kindle and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons on Amazon by clicking the link at the very top of this page.

 

Give Yourself the Gift of Reading!

Taking some time off over the holidays? Maybe getting a chance to curl up with a good book? If you enjoy The Phil Factor and you like a light, beach read type of humorous murder mystery try my novel White Picket Prisons!

It's only $3.99 on Amazon and in the iTunes bookstore and just $3.43 on Barnes and Noble!

The Gift that Keeps on Giving!

Re-runs! If you enjoyed it once why not enjoy it again? For the holiday season I'm going to re-release a previous Phil Factor on Wednesdays and then post new one every Saturday. This particular re-run seemed appropriate for the holidays. If you didn't read it before, it's new to you!

 

Well? How did you do? Did you get the right gift for your loved one for Christmas or Hannukah? Or did you cause irreparable damage to the relationship? Most holiday gifting comes with the same angst of "Did I pick the right gift? Did my gift say too much? Or too little?" When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law. 

The law will state that the correct gift is always...drumroll please...the gift card. I am in love with gift cards. I love them so much that for Christmas I want to buy a gift cards for gift cards to show them how much I love them. I would sleep with gift cards on the first date. In the checkout line it's all I can do to restrain myself from buying gift cards for myself. I know I could buy the same stuff for myself with actual money, but isn't having a gift card so much better? It feels like you're getting stuff for free, even if you paid for the gift card. 

I was in a large, big box hardware/lumber store last week and I came across the biggest gift card kiosk/endcap I have ever seen. As I rounded the end of the aisle and my eyes gazed upon the 8th Wonder of the World a great and pure light shone down from above and I heard a chorus of heavenly angels. It might have been a circular saw, but with that Mount Rushmore of gift cards in my sights it sure sounded like angels. It was so big that I'd need to summon an apron wearing lackey to get a ladder if I wanted a gift card from the top row. If that wall of gift cards was a chocolate river then you can call me Augustus Gloop.

I mean seriously, how can you go wrong with gift cards? If you know someone likes something and you buy them a gift card for it, they get exactly what they want. Or who doesn't like going to a restaurant for free? "What is this?!!? A bill for my meal! Pishaw! Take that filthy thing away for I have a gift card!"  That is literally what's going on in my head when I get to use a restaurant gift card. If I could put on a fur-lined red velvet robe and crown while I bellowed that to a waitress I think I could die a happy man. 

To the detractors who would say, "Well giving a gift card shows that you didn't put any thought into it." Really? Even if you got a gift card for their favorite store? Yeah, your idea of buying clothes that are the wrong size is always so much more thoughtful. I love returning things or wearing some ill-fitting, hideous garment just so you can feel good about yourself for choosing such a "thoughtful gift." 

You know what? They even have gift cards for an amount of money. At first I didn't understand this, thinking it was somewhat redundant, but now I understand the genius. A gift card for money is also thoughtful. You can use it like a credit card. It won't bulk up your wallet or cause you to have to do any tedious counting of paper money. A gift card for money won't cause you to receive 98 cents in change that you will then throw into your pocket, a jar or car cup holder never to be used. With a gift card the change stays right on it for you to use next time. The best thing about gift cards for money is that you can use them to buy other gift cards!

You know who has a great gift cards? Amazon and Barnes & Noble. If you get a gift card you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle or you can buy yourself or a loved one my new novel White Picket Prisons so that my unique brand of idiocy can delivered to you wirelessly and instantateously no matter where you are. Now that is a gift that keeps on giving. 

 

Fun Ways To Prepare for the Apocalypse Part II

It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine... R.E.M. 1987  Why Michael Stipe said that I don't know. Hopefully he reads my blog and will explain in the comments section below.  I don't feel fine. If the world ends that would kind of suck. I'm having fun.  If the Mayans were right, enjoy my blog while you can. By the time I get around to Part III it might be too late. But, if the world's going to end we might as well have some fun with it. Sure we can all speculate about or last words to loved ones, running up the credit cards and eating cheesecake all month, blah, blah, blah... let's get creative! Here are some ways I'll be preparing for the apocalypse:

1. Send an e-mail to my boss that says, "I quit!" Then five minutes later send another that says "Sorry, that was for my wife." Then send an e-mail to wife saying, "I quit!"  then five minutes later... It's the end of the world, why not screw with people? How long can they possibly hold a grudge?

2. Pajama jeans. Admit it, we all see those commercials and we mock, but secretly we think to ourselves, "That does look comfortable..." Until the end of the world I am going to rock the pajama jeans to work. Every day. With a shirt and tie. I wonder if they make them in stonewashed?

3.  Apply for lots of impressive jobs that begin after Dec. 21. You can lie on your resume and in interviews. It won't matter! If the world doesn't end, I am going to have a kick ass resume next year. 

4. Exclamation points!!! Every sentence that I type or speak until Dec. 21st will end in an exclamation point! If we have limited time left I want everything to be as exciting as possible! Or at least to seem as exciting as possible! I will speak every sentence up tempo and slightly louder than it should be spoken! If you're having an End of The World party this should be the one rule you have!  

5.  Buy the Hostess company! I'll put in a tremendous bid to buy the entire company out of bankruptcy! If the world ends I won't have to pay it off and I'll spend the next two weeks as a national hero! I'll be known as The Man Who Saved the Twinkies!

This is my summary paragraph! You know the 6 degrees of separation theory?!!? By that theory every person on Earth is separated from anyone else by no more that 6 people connections! Let's test that theory with hopefully a really fun result! In the first paragraph I speculated as to why Michael Stipe was fine with the end of the world! If we really are only separated by 6 people connections and if every person that reads this goes back to their Facebook page and hits the "Share" button eventually this will get shared where Michael Stipe will see it and leave the requested comment! Don't just click the Like button below, go back to the post on your FB page and click the Share! We only have two weeks for this to get back to Michael Stipe! Go! 

 

 

The Rules of Childhood

Childhood is full of unwritten rules that for kids, seem to make life more manageable. Adulthood is full of written rules that seem to make life more difficult. “I called it first!”  “No fair. Do-over.”  “Ghost runner.”  “Not it!”  Childhood rules made life so much more enjoyable. No litigation or arguments. The rules were simple, fair, and everyone knew and respected them. Most of us at one time or another yearns for the days of our youth when life seemed simpler. We only had to worry about school, homework, and if our friend had gotten out of their punishment so they could play after school.

Adults often say things like “youth is wasted on the young” and bemoan the fact that children don’t seem to appreciate how good they have it. I believe that children are far wiser than we give them credit for and in some ways, far more wise than we are. I bemoan the fact that too many adults have grown up too completely. The lessons of our childhood would serve us well if only we knew how to apply them later in life. Imagine if we could use the age old rules of childhood in adult situations! For instance, if you find yourself in a meeting at work and the boss says, “I have a very important project with a lot of paperwork and long hours that I need to assign to someone.”  By childhood rules you instinctively yell out, “Not it!” while putting your finger to your nose. Everyone else in turn follows your lead. Boom. Done deal. Problem solved. Because co-worker Bob had a doughnut in his mouth at the wrong moment and couldn’t yell out “Not it!” he gets the job. Or perhaps if you're involved in a multi-car fender bender as soon as Johhny Law shows up, "So what happened here?" Last one to touch their nose and yell "Not it!" gets the ticket.

Or how about "dibs"?  How many situations in adulthood would that come in handy for? What once saved us the last cookie or piece of cake would come in very handy on the dating scene.

Who here wouldn’t want to yell out, “Do over!” and get a free second chance at a situation you’ve screwed up? You’re out on a date, you have a few too many drinks, your lips get loose and you spill some horrific personal information upon your new romantic interest. Why can’t you call the person up the next day and demand a do-over? You get a new date, and a second chance at a making a good impression. Or how about in bed? Who hasn’t wanted a do-over at least once after something you’ve said or done? (Of course this doesn’t apply to me)

Children are blessed with graciously short memories and tons of forgiveness. Why do adults have to be so uptight in this regard?  Adults hold grudges sometimes for the rest of their lives over perceived personal slights. I think little boys handle these situations with a maturity adults can only aspire to achieve. “Eddie told me that you said my bike was a piece of crap.” “Yeah, so what if I did? What are you gonna do about it?” Pow! Bam! Slam! Kerplooie! Fight over and they’re best friends later that afternoon. Nothing brings two people closer than a little fisticuffs.

What about the ghost runner? That wonderful childhood concept to replace an absent player in a game of kickball. Wouldn’t that be a great concept for adulthood? Don’t call in sick when you don’t want to go to work. Send a ghost runner! "I'm  sorry I can't make it boss, but don't worry.  I'll have a ghost runner at my desk today." Rather be out with friends than with your significant other? Send your ghost runner! “Yeah, honey, I’m really sorry I can’t make it to your cousins wedding. I’ve got a ghost runner though!” Or for the ladies how about, “Oh, I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a headache. Why don’t you go have sex with my ghost runner. Again.”

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to call dibs on more Phil fun you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle and you can enjoy my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons available for Kindle, Nook, iPad and just about any other e-reader. As always if you enjoy what you read here please click the Facebook Like or Share buttons.

How I Will Spend My Powerball Winnings

When you see tomorrow that I won the Powerball don't be jealous. I promise I'll share. In fact, when I win the Powerball I promise to give money to every single person who shares this blog link on their Facebook page. In addition to that I have a few other goals for the money I'll be winning tonight.

1. Once I am worth over 500 million dollars I will immediately relax, which I haven't done in years. I will quite possibly relax to the point that someone will call a medical examiner. The best part of that is that it's free and after I'm done relaxing I'll still have 2 billion dollars, which will make me feel very happy.

2. Daylight savings time. It's stupid, outdated, inconvenient and it's time for it to end. With 500 million dollars I'm pretty sure there's a way I could "persuade" enough legislators to take care of this. 

4. Automated asteroid destroying lasers on the moon. Need I say more? 

5. Thanksgiving. We've all been doing it wrong for centuries now. Do you think that the pilgrims wanted to eat the dead carcass of the largest, ugliest bird in North America? Of course they didn't. Remember when telephones were attached to the wall and we could only go as far as the cord allowed? Well once we found a way around that we moved on to cell phones. Guess what? We now have better food than dead turkeys so it's time to move on. When I have 2 billion dollars we will start eating pizza on Thanksgiving. Now that's a food worthy of a national holiday. 

6.  A seat on the Supreme Court. Did you know that technically there's nothing that says you have to be a lawyer or judge to be on the Supreme Court? Powdered wigs and black robes? Seriously how swag would that be? Yeah, I know the modern day judges don't wear the powdered wigs, but I would. 

7. Avoid the Fiscal Cliff: Hey President Obama, here's an idea for you: Start a Federal lottery. Federal government keeps half, half to the winner. The ultimate 50/50 drawing. If the government did this on a monthly basis they'd make a fortune. See? Not enough of you wrote me in for President this year. This is just the kind of visionary I am.

How about in the comments section here everyone write one crazy thing they would do in the unlikely event that someone other than me wins the Powerball tonight? Then after you do that, click on the Facebook share button and we'll get a good long discussion link by shared link amongst all our friends on what we'll do with our winnings. Also, if I win I'll buy you each a copy of my book White Picket Prisons, which you can take a look at by clicking the little banner link at the top of this page. 

 

 

Unusual Things I'm Thankful For

In the United States it's traditional to get together with family on Thanksgiving and share the important things you're thankful for before gorging yourself on a meal centered on the large, dead carcass of the ugliest bird in North America. Every year everyone shares the usual platitudes about being thankful for family, friends and good heath. Duh! Who can't come up with that? When I decided to write this I set out to write a positive, uplifting post so that my loyal readers don't think that my every thought and written or spoken word are tinged with biting sarcasm. So without further adieu, here are some of the everyday things I am thankful for:

1. Youtube. Never in human history has anything allowed anyone to share in graphic, vivid, visual detail virtually anything you want. If you're feeling down there's sleepy kitten videos. If you need a laugh look up the Cinnamon Challenge or Gangnam Style. And if you've just inadvertently recorded video of an impossibly awkward groin injury to a friend what else are you going to do with it? Yes, I know it's not new, but I've grown to appreciate it more lately. Do you think I should expand my internet Phil empire to include video blogging?

2. Girl Scout Cookies: Holy crap! Paradise in cookie form! Thin Mints, Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, Dulce de Leche and many more. Most of the names are completely meaningless in relation to what the actual cookie is, but who the hell cares? I think the mysteriously weird names add to our desire for them. Great cookies, but the Girl Scouts organization is one of the dumbest businesses in existence. They have a product that is universally loved and they only sell it one month a year? Morons! All of them. Their stupid little badges certainly aren't in business administration. If they sold those cookies year round they'd be a multi-billion dollar operation listed on the New York Stock Exchange. If they sold those cookies year round they could put crack cocaine out of business. 

3. The Keurig Coffee Maker: I don't give a rat's ass if they price those stupid little "pods" at $5.00 each, it will be well worth it if I can keep getting my morning cup of joe in 30 seconds. My time is valuable and Keurig gave me back about 5 minutes of every morning where I don't have to stand there staring a a gurgling coffee maker.

4. Screw cap wine bottles: How does it make the wine better if you have to use a separate device that looks like it was designed for medieval torture to open it? And how often have you had the cork break and you have to use all sorts of improvised techniques to get it out and then the wine still has a bunch cork pieces in it that you fish out with your fingers? My wine sources tell me the screw cap is coming back. Simpler is better. Leave the corks for the French snobs to wrestle with. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, all wine bottles will have screw caps. 

5. Thruway E-Z Pass: Since I got a thruway E-Z pass about 4 years ago I think I've saved so much time not stopping at toll booths or waiting in toll lines that I've probably gotten back an entire extra day worth of time each year. I'm sure that some day they'll discover that the little invisible beams that read my E-Z pass cause cancer, but because I've accumulated so much extra time from not stopping it will all even out as far as my life expectancy goes. 

Lastly but most importantly I'm thankful for all my wonderful, loyal friends who keep reading my blog and clicking the Facebook Like button. I'm not writing for you, I'm writing for me, but having someone laughing with me makes it so much better. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you and your families are well this holiday season.

As always, if you want to join the fun you can add comments below and click the Facebook like and Share buttons to let your friends in on the joke. You can find me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and my humorous, murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons is available for Kindle, Nook, and iPad. 

Channing Tatum: Sexiest Man Alive? Hardly.

People Magazine recently named their Sexiest Man Alive, and again, it wasn't me. Yeah, I know, shocker. Channing Tatum?!!? Puh- leeze! I scrape stuff off my shoe that's sexier than Channing Tatum. Have you noticed they always choose actors? Not once have they considered a blogger. First of all, I wasn't even interviewed. How fair is that?

Go on, compare his picture, which you have to Google to even find, while I put mine right here for all to see, with mine in the top left of the page. His picture, my picture. His picture, my picture. His picture, my picture. I've been doing that all night and I still don't see it. Sexier than me? Who is doing the rating? Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder? (Why aren't there famous blind women?) I'm mean, c'mon, as far as I know he is completely "between jobs" right now. Meanwhile I have a full time job with health insurance and everything!

And his abs in Magic Mike? Completely airbrushed. My abs? Never been airbrushed. Not once. They are au naturel my friends. Both of them. And those dance moves. Yeah, Channing, we saw Napoleon Dynamite too. Way to go. Pedro for President.

And how about Facebook, the social convention by which all human value is measured. Does Channing let you be his Facebook friend? No, of course not. He is snooty. Snooty? Snotty! I of course will quote Ferris Bueller and let you be my Facebook friend. Check. Scoreboard, Phil again. And talk about snotty! He goes by his full name, Channing. He's too good for Chan isn't he? Do see me going by Philip? Of course not. The Philip Factor would sound stupid and snotty. 

Raise your hand if you've read Chan Tatums's blog? Of course you haven't! He doesn't have a blog. I do. I have a blog, a full-time job, and health insurance. Chan? No, no, and no. Ask yourself this, who have you spent more time reading about this year, him or me? We all know the answer to that. You've been to my blog at least once a week. How many times a week do you go out of your way to read what Chan thinks? Oh wait, that's right, we're not even sure Chan has thoughts. Also, you see my picture everytime you visit this blog. Because of that you've definitely looked at my picture more than you've looked at Chan Tatum's this year too. Do you know why? That's right, because I'm sexier. Case closed. In fact my argument here is so watertight that I doubt Channing (read with sarcastic tone) will even attempt to refute it. In fact Chan, if you disagree, feel free to post a comment here stating your case.

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to support my bid for Sexiest Blogger Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and my humorous, murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons is available for the Kindle, Nook, and iPad. If you liked what you read today feel free to leave a comment below and hit the Facebook "Share" button when you go back to your page. Also, if you're not my Facebook friend yet, feel free to friend me. I doubt that's an offer you'll get from Chan.

 

The Pop Culture Moratorium List

When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law that will allow me to place a media moratorium on 5 topics for as long as I deem appropriate. If I had that power today, this would be my list:

1. Lindsay Lohan: No offense Lindsay, but I shouldn't be able to write your Wikipedia page with just the information I've absorbed passively over the last ten years. When you accomplish something positive or constructive I will take you off this list.

2. The Duggars: Being tragically bad at birth control is not reason enough for fame. The fact that I have billions of brain cells and one of them is filled with the word "Duggar" for all of eternity infuriates me to no end. 

3. Kardashians: All of them. Yes, their last name is fun to say, but can anyone name anything they've contributed to the betterment of the planet and human race? I would find a deserted island with no contact with the rest of humanity and put all the Kardashians on it until they figure out how to use their "fame" for the good of others. 

4. The Fiscal Cliff: Holy crap! For a phrase that didn't exist a year ago we all know it now don't we? Guess what everyone? The country is 16 trillion in debt and if we don't start paying that back sometime...ummm...aaah...ummm...what happens? We don't know, but we're all vaguely anxious because the phrase "fiscal cliff" sounds scary and the media keeps saying it. Maybe if we think of it as a frugal guy named Clifford it won't be as scary, as in "That Fiscal Cliff is a cheapskate, but he managed to put away enough in his 401k that he can retire at 55." 

5. Twitter: Apparently nothing can exist or be considered significant unless it's on Twitter, where if it can't be said in 140 characters then it doesn't need to be said. Twitter is the intellectual equivalent of eating one jelly bean after another instead of having a full meal. 

Other topics on the verge of making this list: Obamacare, Gangam Style, Ben Bernanke, and Rob/Kristen/Twilight.

If you enjoy my nonsense and have no desire for a Phil moratorium you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor, and you can buy my humorous, murder mystery  novel White Picket Prisons available for the Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, and in the iTunes bookstore. 

Daylight Stupid Time

When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. Not all of the other countries do this, and not all of the states in the U.S. abide by it either. For those of you who are unfamiliar, Daylight Savings Time is when we move our clocks forward an hour in the spring and move them back an hour in the fall. I think it was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn't someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay abouts can't be bothered to set their alarm clocks we are all stuck changing time.

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but about 6 or 7 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended Daylight Savings Time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn't it called Daylight Spending Time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers, except the creepy Amish ones, (I can say that because they're not reading my blog) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don't we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I'd like to save the energy I expend changing my damn clocks! I'd like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress is again proving to be the biggest collection of morons outside of...well...I guess I can't think of a bigger collection. Why doesn't Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

In the spring Yahoo posted an article titled "Daylight Savings Time Health Risks" http://shine.yahoo.com/getup/daylight-saving-time-health-risks-231500229.html If you need this information you're an idiot. If you choose to read this article please refer to the last sentence before this one. Apparently the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks. Yeah, so where's the problem? That sounds like natural selection at work!

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don't work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I'll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.

If you'd like to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and purchase my full length novel White Picket Prisons which is available in the Amazon Kindle store and the iTunes bookstore for only $3.99. And if you need an extra hour in which to read it, this is your weekend!

 

The Standing Dead

No, this isn't about the Zombie apocalypse show on AMC. It's about airline passengers. Do I really need to capitalize Zombie? Who will be offended if I don't, zombies? When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, which both happen in November, I'm going to change a lot of things about how the airlines are run.

I had to travel for work this past week. In general I like traveling, but air travel definitely has it's drawbacks. Sometimes those drawbacks are the other passengers. The passengers that particularly frustrate me are those with wildly inaacurate imaginations. These people seem to imagine that as soon as the planes wheels hit the ground that they can leap from the seat, sashay down the aisle and exit the plane to their waiting chariot. It wouldn't be so bad if it were just one passenger who had this little exit fantasy playing in their heads. Unfortunately for the sane passengers, at least half of every planes occupants believe that they will quickly and easily exit the plane. 

What actually occurs is that as soon as the plane touches the ground at least 50 people literally leap to an upright position and the overhead compartments are flung open as they engage in a tug of war with the laws of physics to get their Mini Cooper sized bag out of the tiny overhead compartment that they had compacted it into. Then as gravity takes control they usually hit at least one fellow paasenger when the bag finally pops free and plummets to the aisle. As soon as that bag hits the floor they turn and face forward impatiently. If it was just one idiot standing at the plane door impatiently tapping his foot that would be fine. Unfortunately half the plane seems to do this and then to no one's surprise they stand there for 20 minutes while we taxi and wait for a gate and then for the door to be open That's why I call them The Standing Dead. They are definitely not walking anywhere at this point. If you're a passenger wise enough to sit and wait until this airline zombie apocalypse passes you are stuck with The Standing Deads asses right at face level about a foot from your head for the interminable 20 minutes. Sure, if it's my ass someone has to look at, 20 minutes is perfectly fine, maybe a bit short in fact, but most of these Standing Dead do not appear to have been to a Zumba class recently. 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to read more you can follow me on Twiiter @ThePhilFactor, follow me on Goodreads.com and you can find my novel White Picket Prisons in the Amazon Kindle bookstore and the iTunes bookstore. The Barnes and Noble Nook bookstore folks are taking their time preparing their system for the onslaught of Phil fans, but it will get there eventually too. 

 

 

And Your Next President Is...

"Don't wanna be an American idiot. One nation controlled by the media. Information nation of hysteria. It's going out to idiot America." -Green Day    Every spring America votes and chooses their next alleged singing superstar. Over 63 million votes are cast. As has been widely reported, that number is more than any President in history has ever received. American Idol is so popular that the Fox network has runs it two nights a week for 4 months and wins the ratings time slot every time.

"Idol," as the fans call it, is talked about in every workplace, reported on in every newspaper, and mentioned on every news program. America feels passionately about their right to choose. There has been nothing since World War II that has united Americans the way that Idol has. Even if you don't watch it, you know it exists and most likely you know the names.  This next statement is supposition on my part, but I defy anyone to find evidence to the contrary: More Americans can name the American Idol judges and Ryan Seacrest than can name the Vice-President. Technology has made Americans lazy. Unless we can see it on a little, glowing screen "it" makes little impact upon our lives. There is a very real possibility that physical newspapers, books, and magazines will be something our grandchildren will only read about on history websites. Equally obsolete is the American electoral system. We've elected the head of our country, the so-called leader of the free world, by the same method for 150 years. My question is, how do we get voters as interested and motivated to participate in our political system like they do in Ameriocan Idol?

The answer is simple. Why not make our Presidential election more modern? Why not choose our President the way we choose our American Idol? Let's make it a t.v. show where voters can call, I.M., or text message our votes as many times as we want as we narrow the field down to two candidates. With our current system Americans have very little say in who the final two Presidential candidates are. I want the choice back! The t.v. show, American President, could have auditions in several cities with a panel of intelligent but entertaining judges weeding out the obvious losers. Sure, we'd have a few William Hungs, Crazy Daves or Taylor Hicks, but after our last few Presidents who's to say we didn't already elect the equivalent? And why the heck not have a talent part of the competition too? Who doesn't want to see Barack perform magic tricks and Mitt juggling?

If politics were more entertaining, more people would be informed and invested in voting. And yes, I am proposing that people get to vote more than once if they want to. Why not? If you care that passionately about your candidate that you'll spend two hours a week text messaging then you deserve more say in the outcome than the lump who sits on their couch eating cheetos and won't lift a finger except to lick that orange stuff off. I can't imagine anything more entertaining and suspenseful than to hear Ryan Seacrest say, "America voted and I'm going to tell you who your next President will be....after the break."

If you enjoy my nonsense feel free to vote by leaving a comment and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons which will be available on Amazon literally any minute now.

I'm Giving Birth!

Well, kind of. My long awaited novel will be soon sent out into the world. Here is a picture of the cover art that I recently approved.

It's kind of a murder mystery with some humor. If anyone is interested I'll let you know when it's available.

When I'm Elected President or Sexiest Man Alive...

When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive the political season is going to change by virtue of the newly enacted Phil Laws. What are the Phil Laws you ask? The Phil Laws are a set of laws that I will unilaterally impose without interference from Congress, the Senate or anyone. That's the first law. These laws will impose common sense upon a broken world by addressing virtually any issue I see fit to correct from doing away with paper check writing to eliminating daylight savings time to having every public bathroom stall the size of the handicapped stalls.I could write pages on the Phil Laws, but today I'm going to address the political campaign season. 1. No more political ads on television: They're not entertaining. They're not factual, and it's not even possible that every candidate is a former serial killer litterbug. No more t.v. commercials. Just get some bumper stickers and set up a website and if we're interested we'll go look at it. 2. No more prime time debates: We're already angry enough at the politicians. Why do they feel the need to further enrage us by disrupting the new episodes of our favorite shows just when the fall season is getting underway. When the Phil Laws take effect all political debates will occur during the evening news. It's what the evening news is going to talk about the day off and day after anyway. 3. No more political parties. One, don't call them parties. These two groups are not even remotely fun. Two, virtually every politician has flipped flopped back and forth between parties in their career so who knows what their beliefs are anyway. No more party affiliations. Tell us what you plan to do when you're elected and if we like your ideas better than the other candidate we'll vote for you. 4. The Presidential Age Limit: Currently the law requires that you be 35 years of age to become President. Why? Do we suddenly become smarter at 35 than we were at 30 or 25? You know what? If I'm in college and I can't get the job I want until I'm 35 years old then I'm going to pick another major. That's why the geniuses behind Angry Birds and Facebook are doing what they do. Are you telling me those silicon valley software tycoons who are millionaires by the time they're 28 aren't smart? Those are the people I want solving the worlds problems for me. The Phil Laws will lower the Presidential age limit to 25 and put a cap on the upper age a President can be. It's a medical fact that our cognition, memory, and reaction time all start decreasing as we age. Why are we electing the people who are more likely to have a decline in their functioning in office? I say top it at 60 years and give them a nice pension. To those that would cry age discrimination I would say that the Presidency is too important to risk on someone who is losing brain cells at an alarming rate AND isn't it already age discrimination to say someone under 35 can't do the job? Thank you very much. You've been a wonderful audience. Drive safely. If you enjoy my nonsense you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle.and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons coming to the Kindle, Nook, and iPad by the end of October.

When I am Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive...

When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive the political season is going to change by virtue of the newly enacted Phil Laws. What are the Phil Laws you ask? The Phil Laws are a set of laws that I will unilaterally impose without interference from Congress, the Senate or anyone. That's the first law. These laws will impose common sense upon a broken world by addressing virtually any issue I see fit to correct from doing away with paper check writing to eliminating daylight savings time to having every public bathroom stall the size of the handicapped stalls.I could write pages on the Phil Laws, but today I'm going to address the political campaign season.

1. No more political ads on television: They're not entertaining. They're not factual, and it's not even possible that every candidate is a former serial killer litterbug. No more t.v. commercials. Just get some bumper stickers and set up a website and if we're interested we'll go look at it.

2. No more prime time debates: We're already angry enough at the politicians. Why do they feel the need to further enrage us by disrupting the new episodes of our favorite shows just when the fall season is getting underway. When the Phil Laws take effect all political debates will occur during the evening news. It's what the evening news is going to talk about the day off and day after anyway.

3. No more political parties. One, don't call them parties. These two groups are not even remotely fun. Two, virtually every politician has flipped flopped back and forth between parties in their career so who knows what their beliefs are anyway. No more party affiliations. Tell us what you plan to do when you're elected and if we like your ideas better than the other candidate we'll vote for you.

4. The Presidential Age Limit: Currently the law requires that you be 35 years of age to become President. Why? Do we suddenly become smarter at 35 than we were at 30 or 25? You know what? If I'm in college and I can't get the job I want until I'm 35 years old then I'm going to pick another major. That's why the geniuses behind Angry Birds and Facebook are doing what they do. Are you telling me those silicon valley software tycoons who are millionaires by the time they're 28 aren't smart? Those are the people I want solving the worlds problems for me. The Phil Laws will lower the Presidential age limit to 25 and put a cap on the upper age a President can be. It's a medical fact that our cognition, memory, and reaction time all start decreasing as we age. Why are we electing the people who are more likely to have a decline in their functioning in office? I say top it at 60 years and give them a nice pension. To those that would cry age discrimination I would say that the Presidency is too important to risk on someone who is losing brain cells at an alarming rate AND isn't it already age discrimination to say someone under 35 can't do the job?

Thank you very much. You've been a wonderful audience. Drive safely. If you enjoy my nonsense you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle.and look for my new novel White Picket Prisons coming to the Kindle, Nook, and iPad by the end of October.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

I know Valentine's Day is months away, but it's never too early to start advertising and decorating for the next holiday is it? When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first I intend to pass a law that limits how early advertising and holiday decorating can be done. Each year the holiday toy commercials and in store decorations force themselves into our lives earlier and earlier. There is absolutely no reason for advertisers and stores to begin Christmas preparations before Labor Day.

I love Halloween as much as the next guy, but I don't want to start thinking about it in July the way my local supermarket seems to. The local Halloween costume store is already open! And yes, Christmas is a big holiday for those that celebrate it, but there is absolutely no reason Christmas should be able to steamroll over virtually every other holiday that occurs in the previous four months. Those other holidays all have merit and earned their way onto the calendar, so let's not forget them. My new holiday Phil Law will simply state, "There can be no advertising or in store decorating for a holiday until the holiday immediately preceding it has concluded." This way all the advertisers will have August to sell us our end of summer products such as rakes, leaf bags, sweaters, and beer and nachos to celebrate the beginning of the American football season.

Then, as soon as Labor Day is over they are allowed to focus on Columbus Day. That's right, it's always important to celebrate the explorer who was the third guy to find North America but took credit for being first. The dimwit was heading for India and ran into a landmass about 6000 miles long from top to bottom. That was some shrewd sailing. The only way he could have missed hitting it was if he tied Leonardo DeCaprio to the front of his ship and found the nearest iceberg. He didn't even find a way around it! His trip was a total failure when you look at the goal he had when he set out.  Yup, he definitely deserves a holiday. Then, only after Columbus Day can stores put Halloween costumes on their shelves. It's never too early to start worshipping Satan.

Of course after we're done with our evil, pagan holiday can we move onto to planning for the holiday that celebrates what we really worship, eating. Honestly, Thanksgiving is a holiday all about eating a giant meal. Who really, sincerely thinks about what they're thankful for on that day? I mean besides the thought, "I'm thankful I got one of the turkey legs this year."  If I'm going to have a holiday centered on a really good meal, I am not going to eat turkey and stuffing. If turkey and stuffing are such a treat then why the hell don't we eat them the rest of the year? Why aren't there restaurant chains serving them year round? If there's going to be a holiday that's centered on a big meal, why not pizza and wings? When I'm President or Sexiest Man alive, whichever comes first, I am definitely declaring a pizza and wings holiday. Phil Day I think we'll call it.

Then finally at midnight on Thanksgiving should we be able to begin the Christmas season. It could be a national event. All the family and friends who get together for the Thanksgiving meal could stay up like on New Years Eve and at midnight cable channels can begin airing "It's A Wonderful Life." Every house in the neighborhood could turn on their Christmas lights at midnight. The first t.v. ads for Fondle Me Elmo could air during that first "Wonderful Life" commercial break. Stores could open at midnight with special sales. Carson Daly could host a "Ringing In The Holidays" t.v. special that airs live, showing cities across the world lighting their city Christmas tree and shooting off fireworks.  That's how to have a holiday season. With advertising and store displays started in August, Christmas has become almost tiresome by the time it arrives. The day itself is an anti-climax after the four month build-up. With my plan each holiday will get it's due and Christmas will still have the fanfare it deserves. Yes, I realize how ethnocentric this post is in regards to the penultimate Christian holiday, but that is just another example of how it dominates our culture at the expense of other holidays and religions. Don't worry, I'm working on my post about how Ramadan is way too commercialized as well. And don't even get me started on Yom Kippur.

As a Christmas, Hannukah, or Ramadan present to yourself you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.

The Concert List Update

I'm a big music fan and I love seeing bands in concert. This is a list of all the bands I've seen in concert starting with the oldest to the most recent. I'm hoping to elicit some, "Oh I've seen them too," or "I saw them and they were terrible," or possibly even, "You saw them in concert?!!? What a dork!" Here goes:

The Who, The Police, Genesis, Yes, The Fixx, George Thorogood, James Taylor (not related to me),The Grateful Dead(2x), Queensryche, Metallica, Indigo Girls, R.E.M., Phish(2x), The Dead Milkmen, Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, Green Day(4x),Less Than Jake (4x), New Found Glory(4x), Sugarcult, Panic at the Disco(2x), Motion City Soundtrack, Fall Out Boy(2x), Blink 182(3x), Rob Zombie, Godsmack, Good Charlotte, Reel Big Fish(2x), Bouncing Souls(2x), Sum 41, They Might Be Giants, Moxy Fruvous, Anarbor, Riverboat Gamblers, Jesus H. Christ and The Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse (lead singer has read this blog and I believe I may have inspired their song "Vanity Surfing), Say Anything, All American Rejects, We the Kings (2x), AFI(lead singer from my hometown), Anberlin, Cage the Elephant, The Strokes, Hey Monday, Yellowcard (2x), All Time Low(3x), MC Lars (singer of the classic "Hot Topic is Not Punk Rock), Manchester Orchestra, My Chemical Romance, Mayday Parade, Breathe Carolina, Four Year Strong, Streetlight Manifesto(I didn't know anything about them and they turned out to be very good. You can't beat a band with a horn section), Taking Back Sunday,

I'm sure there's some smaller opening acts I've forgotten over the years. The picture above is from my cell phone from my front row, mosh pit spot for Green Day in 2010. I'm not sure if this counts, but in April my 14 year old sons band opened a show that was headlined by Miley Cyrus' brother Trace (formerly of Metro Station) and his new band Ashland High. Also if you're looking for some good but not yet known alternative/pop punk music check out Forget Me in Vegas, Dividing the Skyline, and Nothing Personal.

Selfishly Giving the Gift of Life

Our story begins with our hero walking into the crowded waiting room of the local American Red Cross office. Every seat in the waiting room is full as he approaches the desk and accepts the obligatory "What You Need To Know Before Donating" packet of information from the 107 year old volunteer. He quickly scans the notebook pages pretending to read. He's donated blood many times before, so none of this information is news to him. He notes with mild interest that there seems to be new questions regarding Mad Cow disease and visiting England in the past 25 years. England, apparently still sore about that whole Revolutionary War fiasco 230 years ago, has been exporting Mad Cow disease to the States. I turn my packet back in to the volunteer and look around, mentally counting how many people are ahead of me. Fortunately two of the waiting room denizens appear to be there as spectators for a young lady who is having trouble maintaining her state of consciousness while donating. I settle in to a recently vacated chair and open my cell phone to play a game to pass the time.

The two elderly volunteers, Ma and Pa Kettle as I'm beginning to think of them, lean on the desk making small talk with each other and anyone who makes eye contact. To my right a young woman speaks up, "Excuse me, but I had a 5:00 appointment and I've been waiting a half hour." Pa Kettle responds with the usual platitudes about how busy the day has been and that she's next on the list and will be taken ASAP. The young woman, who's voice seems to get more grating each time she speaks, responds, "Well, what's the point of making an appointment if no one is going to be seen on time? I might as well just walk in whenever I feel like it." The rabble rouser's husband/boyfriend/lap dog chips in, "They always book more appointments than they should because a lot of people don't show up." Again Pa Kettle attempts to placate them, but the young woman is undeterred as she relates the story of her tardy dentist and how she won't schedule with her doctor on a Monday because of all the weekend illness people who back up the schedule on Mondays. Her lap dog of a husband, apparently eager to stay on her good side in hopes that the lack of blood will make her loopy enough later that she'll actually deign to have sex with him, again pipes in with his brilliant theory about overbooking. Pa Kettle offers to let her fill out a survey after she donates. She continues to whine. Like some sort of philanthropic Rainman, lap dog boy again restates his position on their scheduling policy. Pa Kettle tells the woman that he'll include her comments on his end of day report in the "customer concerns" section. This exchange goes on a good 10 minutes as the rest of the waiting room watches, our heads bobbing from side to side with each volley, as if we're at a tennis match. By now I'm tempted to raise my hand and say, "Excuse me, if I'm ever in an accident don't give me her blood. I'm pretty sure it's spoiled."

Sorry for the delay in getting back to blogging. The clamoring for a new installment of The Phil Factor was deafening. As always, if you can't donate blood you can help other by subscribing to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and by following me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.

Zombies and Carry On People Ate My Brain

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I've written, and the clamor for a new Phil Factor was deafening. I would have written sooner but I had to travel for work and when I was getting on the plane to return I was stuck in the aisle behind a Carry On Person. What is a Carry On Person you ask? And why does Phil keep capitalizing?

We all carry bags on when we're flying, and I'm fine with that. I always have a carry on. So what is the difference between us and the real Carry On People? The Carry On People are the people who live in fear of either having their luggage lost or of having to wait too long at the baggage carousel. As a result of their psychotic fear of either of these events instead of calling Dr. Phil,  they pack everything they'll need for a two week vacation into their carry on luggage. To be perfectly honest, I'd rather fly on a plane full of zombies than these morons. Have you ever seen a Zombie with luggage? Me neither.

The Carry On People take so much time trying to get  their overstuffed "carry on" bag first down the aisle as they hit the elbows and heads of every passenger unfortunate passenger who was seated before them that the flight is inevitably delayed because these traveling hoarders have mucked up the boarding process so much. Then when they finally find their seats they instantly become a piece of human cholesterol blocking the artery that is the aisle as they first request help heaving their 80 pound carry on bag up to the overhead compartment and then as they pound and shove an try to hammer their Volkswagon sized bag into a space obviously designed for something much smaller, like possibly the persons head you think as you wait impatiently with the pressure of more and more passengers building up behind you until you fear that the pressure will cause you to become an Augustus Gloop like cork. And guess what? God forbid that you are seated further back in the plan than a Carry On person because you'll have to relive the horror all over again when you try to get off the plane. 

And what's the deal with Zombies? About two years ago everything was vampires but now it's Zombies. And frankly I don't mind. Now if Zombies were allowed on flights they could at least eat their way through a Carry On Person freeing up the aisle for the rest of us. Zombie flight attendants, now there's an idea. Oh wait, we already have them. 

If you want to join my petition to only allow people with an I.Q. over 100 to bring carry on luggage please click the Facebook "Like" button below and subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle. 

How I Will Spend My Mega Millions Winnings

First of all, you're all doing it wrong. What you ask? You're playing the gigantic Mega Millions lottery all wrong. I'll tell you my secret. Not because I want you to win, but because I want you all pouring more money into the pot for me to win. Shhhhhh! (furtive glance to both sides) What I'm doing is I'm not just playing quick picks or sets of numbers. I'm playing quick picks and sets of number with the "Mega-plier." The Mega plier is not a world record sized pair of pliers, which would still be really cool in and of itself, nor is it a kind of math. At least I don't think it's a kind of math. That wasn't my best subject. Apparently when you play your numbers with the Mega-plier, which makes each set of numbers cost $2, if your numbers come up you win four times the jackpot amount. (Holy crap! Imagine if in elementary school we had to learn our times tables with that kind of math) That's right, when I win the current jackpot, which is over $500 million, I will actually win over 2 billion dollars! (Well, probably only 1.4 billion after taxes) So the rest of this column will be dedicated to how I will spend my 2 billion dollars. I figure it's only fair to warn everyone since the combination of unimaginable wealth and my eccentric behavior is likely to result in some actions or events that will effect a significant percentage of the Earth's population in some way. Sure, sure, with this money we'd all help family, friends, and charitable organizations, and I will too, but with 2 billion dollars I figure I'll have enough left over to get really creative with how I spend it. 

1. Once I am worth 2 billion dollars I will immediately relax, which I haven't done in years. I will quite possibly relax to the point that someone will call a medical examiner. The best part of that is that it's free and after I'm done relaxing I'll still have 2 billion dollars, which will make me feel very happy.

2. Watch the sun set. Watching the sun set over Lake Ontario is my favorite part of every summer weekend.  Watching the sun set sounds free, but not the way I'm going to do it. I will buy a plane and hire a pilot to fly around the world at the same speed as the Earth rotates so that I can watch the sun set for 24 hours straight. There would probably be champagne involved.  The plane and pilot will remain on call so that I can see a nice sunset anytime I choose.

3. Daylight savings time. It's stupid, outdated, inconvenient and it's time for it to end. With 2 billion dollars I'm pretty sure there's a way I could "persuade" enough legislators to take care of this. 

4. Automated asteroid detecting lasers on the moon. Need I say more? 

5. Thanksgiving. We've all been doing it wrong for centuries now. Do you think that the pilgrims wanted to eat the dead carcass of the largest, ugliest bird in North America? Of course they didn't. Remember when telephones were attached to the wall and we could only go as far as the cord allowed? Well once we found a way around that we moved on to cell phones. Guess what? We now have better food than dead turkeys so it's time to move on. When I have 2 billion dollars we will start eating pizza on Thanksgiving. Now that's a food worthy of a national holiday. 

6.  A seat on the Supreme Court. Did you know that technically there's nothing that says you have to be a lawyer or judge to be on the Supreme Court? Powdered wigs and black robes? Seriously how swag would that be? Yeah, I know the modern day judges don't wear the powdered wigs, but I would. 

7. Subscribing to my blog on the Amazon Kindle costs 99 cents per month. I would buy a subscription to my blog for every single Kindle owner on the planet. 

How about in the comments section here everyone write one crazy thing they would do in the unlikely event that someone other than me wins the Mega Millions tonight? Then after you do that, click on the Facebook share button and we'll get a good long discussion link by shared link amongst all our friends on what we'll do with our winnings. 

 

 

 

Distraction Action

Distraction Action is a lot like Conjunction Junction. Who remembers that? Sing it with me! "Conjunction Junction, what's your function?"  There you go, now it's in your head for the day. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law againsnst eating or smoking while driving. Yes, I know this is going to make some people mad. I have friends who smoke. I even have friends who eat.  I'm not opposed to smoking or eating if both are done in moderation.  I am opposed to unfair laws.

Over the past several years we've seen many laws passed to decrease distracted driving. Isn't putting a stick in your mouth and lighting it on fire at least slightly distracting while driving? About 25 years ago my friend Bob went through a phase where whenever we got together and went out to a bar and played pool he would leave the room and return moments later with a pack of cigarettes. We weren't smokers, or pool players for that matter, but we would smoke just one or two while we drank beer and played pool. I have no idea how smokers do it. Maybe I was bad at smoking or pool, probably both, but half of the time I couldn't see what shot I was trying to make because of the smoke in my eyes.  If I can't hold my cell phone next to my ear while my eyes are fully fixed on the road I don't see why smokers are allowed to drive while smoke drifts into their eyes. Yes, I know all you smokers will hate this law because you're running out of places you can legally smoke in public, but hey, guess what? Yeah, it's your car, but the roadways are public and like I said, I'm not opposed to smoking, I'm opposed to you running into me because you accidentally lit your mustache on fire because you had to get in just one more cig before work.

Like I said, it's not just smokers who are going to dislike my legislation. It's eaters too. I'm an eater. The first step is admitting. My name is Phil and I eat and drive. I shouldn't eat and drive. It's distracting. It is virtually impossible to get the nugget in the little cup of dipping sauce unless you look down. And cutting your steak is almost impossible while driving. Once I actually saw someone eating corn on the cob while driving. At 8 a.m.! I’m not sure which I’m more appalled by. What’s even worse is that if I hit a rough patch of road my chocolate fountain keeps tipping over, which I find very distracting.

Although my proposed legislation is likely to be somewhat controversial, I’m confident that when I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, my overwhelming popularity will make it an easy sell. If you’re a driver, eater, or smoker please click the Facebook “Like” button below and feel free to subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, which so far is ok to do while you’re driving

 

Dear President Obama

This is my open letter to you, President Obama, and yes, I know you'll hear about this because Michelle subscribes to The Phil Factor on her Amazon Kindle Fire to read while she's home alone when you're on those "business trips." 

Look Barack, I'm glad you're a sports fan. Good for you. You're a regular guy just like the rest of us. What I'm not ok with is you going on ESPN every year to fill out your NCAA March Madness bracket. I'm not saying you can't do one. Just don't go on t.v. for 30 minutes to fill it out. 1) I don't care about your picks unless you're actually in the same office pool as me, and 2) IT'S NOT WHAT WE'RE PAYING YOU TO DO!!! 

Here's the deal: my taxes pay your salary, ergo, that makes me and every American you're boss. Guess what? In every company I've ever worked in they frown on employees wasting time gambling. We usually hide the hours we spend researching our brackets from the boss. We don't invite the boss to play, so that we can pretend we didn't waste half the week filling out our brackets and collecting money from everyone. The boss knows we do it, but he or she also likes to pretend that their employees aren't spending most of a week screwing off. But you! You don't even pretend you're working! You bring in Stuart Scott and set up a giant white board in your office and spend half a day explaining why Vanderbilts pick and roll has a real chance to give the Syracuse 2-3 zone fits if they meet in the round of 16. Guess what Barack? I don't care how much you know about basketball. You know what I'd be really impressed with is if you pulled out a white board during your State of The Union address and showed a bracket full of evil dictators and communist countries that the U.S. is going to defeat.  If the whole world was hunky dory and we weren't involved in any wars or recessions or gas prices were reasonable, sure, go ahead, take a breather and relax! It's like as a kid, when your chores are done you can go out and play. But for the money you're making I wanna see my President at work 24/7. 

Just for being President for 4 years you are set for life financially and you get free lifetime security. That's a pretty sweet deal. As part of that deal I kind of would like it if you didn't treat that job like your own personal fantasy camp.  Since you took office there's been more jocks in the White House than the Lambeau field locker room. Did I mention that me and everyone else are paying for that with our taxes? Yeah, now get back to work. 

I'm not saying you can't do an office pool with the cabinet. Remember when I said that the rest of us hide it from the boss when we waste work time on petty gambling? It's when you get cocky and flaunt it in front of the boss that you get in trouble. Hmmm....let's see, you're up for re-election this year? Who re-elects you? Oh yes, that's right, it's us. Here, if you're so fond of petty gambling on the job, how about this: my NCAA bracket versus yours. You win, you get to stay President. I win, I get your job. 

If you would like to support my bid to win the best blogger bracket pool please click the Facebook like button below and subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or Fire and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Daylight Stupid Time

When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don't know if other countries do this, and I know that all of the states in the U.S. don't abide by it. Daylight Savings time is when we move our clocks forward an hour in the spring and move them back an hour in the fall. I think it was created about 100 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn't someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay abouts can't be bothered to set their alarm clocks we are all stuck changing time.

I don't know if anyone else noticed, but about 5 or 6 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end. First off, why isn't it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 100 years ago. Reportedly the reason Congress is doing this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don't we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I'd like to save the energy I expend changing my damn clocks! I'd like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress is again proving to be the biggest collection of morons outside of...well...I guess I can't think of a bigger collection. Why doesn't Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

Today Yahoo posted an article titled "http://shine.yahoo.com/getup/daylight-saving-time-health-risks-231500229.html" If you need this information you're an idiot. If you choose to read this article please refer to the last sentence before this one. Apparently the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks. Yeah, so where's the problem? That sounds like natural selection at work!

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don't work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I'll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I'm elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change.

If you'd like to support my bid for President, or Sexiest Man Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or Fire and you can follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor. 

The Gift That Keeps On Giving:

Well? How did you do? Did you get the right gift for your loved one on Valentine's Day? Or did you cause irreparable damage to the relationship? As with most holidays Valentine's Day comes with the same angst of "Did I pick the right gift? Did my gift say too much? Or too little?" When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I'm going to pass a law. 

The law will state that the correct gift is always...drumroll please...the gift card. I am in love with gift cards. I love them so much that for Valentine's Day I wanted to buy a gift cards for gift cards to show them how much I love them. I would sleep with gift cards on the first date. In the checkout line it's all I can do to restrain myself from buying gift cards for myself. I know I could buy the same stuff for myself with actual money, but isn't having a gift card so much better? It feels like you're getting stuff for free, even if you paid for the gift card. 

I was in a large, big box hardware/lumber store last week and I came across the biggest gift card kiosk/endcap I have ever seen. As I rounded the end of the aisle and my eyes gazed upon the 8th Wonder of the World a great and pure light shone down from above and I heard a chorus of heavenly angels. It might have been a circular saw, but with that Mount Rushmore of gift cards in my sights it sure sounded like angels. It was so big that I'd need to summon an apron wearing lackey to get a ladder if I wanted a gift card from the top row. If that wall of gift cards was a chocolate river then you can call me Augustus Gloop.

I mean seriously, how can you go wrong with gift cards? If you know someone likes something and you buy them a gift card for it, they get exactly what they want. Or who doesn't like going to a restaurant for free? "What is this?!!? A bill for my meal! Pishaw! Take that filthy thing away for I have a gift card!"  That is literally what's going on in my head when I get to use a restaurant gift card. If I could put on a fur-lined red velvet robe and crown while I bellowed that to a waitress I think I could die a happy man. 

To the detractors who would say, "Well giving a gift card shows that you didn't put any thought into it." Really? Even if you got a gift card for their favorite store? Yeah, your idea of buying clothes that are the wrong size is always so much more thoughtful. I love returning things or wearing some ill-fitting, hideous garment just so you can feel good about yourself for choosing such a "thoughtful gift." 

You know what? They even have gift cards for an amount of money. At first I didn't understand this, thinking it was somewhat redundant, but now I understand the genius. A gift card for money is also thoughtful. You can use it like a credit card. It won't bulk up your wallet or cause you to have to do any tedious counting of paper money. A gift card for money won't cause you to receive 98 cents in change that you will then throw into your pocket, a jar or car cup holder never to be used. With a gift card the change stays right on it for you to use next time. The best thing about gift cards for money is that you can use them to buy other gift cards!

You know who has a great gift card? Amazon, makers of the Amazon Kindle. If you get an Amazon gift card you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Kindle so that my unique brand of idiocy can delivered to you wirelessly and instantateously no matter where you are. Now that is a gift that keeps on giving. 

 

Planes, Trains, and Automobiles

Like the title? I made it up myself. Pretty proud of that one. I had to travel for work again this week. Just a quick, overnight trip to Richmond, Va. Traveling in the winter is always a little nerve wracking no matter how you do it, isn't it?

So as I'm preparing to board my flight home from Richmond, the airline lackey, in a stunningly accurate impression of Charlie Brown's teacher,  announces over the P.A. at my gate that the flight is over booked by one and they'd like to offer a $300 ticket voucher to anyone who will take a later flight. How does the airline over book by one? It's their plane! Don't they know how many seats it has? Or did someone just take their seat with them when they got off the plane? Do they have to have one of the flight attendants count the seats after each flight and report back to headquarters? "What? We only have 47 seats? I'd swear we had 48 when we left. Call up to the gate and tell them we're one short. Hey, has this back row exit door been open the whole flight?"  

Now that we're living in a computer age (yeah, just now.) shouldn't the airlines be able to keep track of how many seats their planes have and sell only that exact amount of tickets? Or maybe they could sell two less tickets than the number of seats just in case someone somewhere makes a mistake with their abacus during the pre-flight seat count. And why do they wait until 15 minutes before your flight leaves to discover their error? That's when the fun begins. That's when the game of chicken/auction begins. "Since our flight is overbooked and no one took the $300 voucher we'd like to offer a $500 ticket voucher and two nights at any Marriott hotel." You think to yourself, "Now this is getting interesting. I might take that." All the passengers look back and forth at each other because they know that as they clock ticks down the ante goes up. After two more minutes pass Charlie Brown's teacher clicks the mic again and says, "As we are still overbooked by one we would like to offer a $750 ticket, two nights at a Marriott and a lifetime suppy of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat."  We all eye each thinking, "now this is getting interesting, and really, is it possible they serve Rice-a-Roni in San Francisco restaurants?" They crowd is watching the auction shouting "Take it, take it!" "Door number 1"  "Wait for showcase number 2!" 

And what kind of business model is this where you can sell a service then essentially buy it back for at least 3x it's value and then still give the customer the service albeit an hour and a half later? Have you noticed how many airlines that have gone out of business, filed for bankruptcy or merged in the last ten years? Yeah, I'm thinking that if even half the time they had an accurate seat count they could save themselves a fortune every year. It's like they're playing an expensive game of Native American giver.(and why did Native Americans get that unfair rep? Wasn't it the white settlers that stole Manhattan from them for some Mardi Gras beads?).  "Um...yeah, we told you that you could have a seat, but we were lying. Will you take $1000 to get on the next flight?" I wish more businesses had this policy. "Yes, Mr. Taylor, I know we said we would sell you the Ford Focus for $17,000, but well, this is embarrassing, umm...Ford is kind of out of those right now. If you could just go away quietly and come back tomorrow we'll give you a Cadillac Escalade with lifetime satellite radio."  

So now, you can read the rest of this blog for more whimsical observations, but my bandwidth is full and I'll need two readers to wait for my next blog entry. If you choose to wait for the next blog entry I'll  throw in 4 more jokes, a free Phil Factor t-shirt and a lifetime supply of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat. In the meantime if you don't want to get bumped you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and as always, if you like click the Facebook Like button below.

 

The People at Your Super Bowl Party

We may be going to different Super Bowl parties this weekend, but alot of the people at our parties will be eerily similar and equally irritating. Read on and see if you can identify these folks at your party this Sunday. If you can't, you're probably one of them.

The Gambler: He may know when to hold'em but he doesn't know when to fold'em or when to shut up. This guy always wants you to know the "over/under" and how much he's got riding on the game. And he spends most of the game fuming and stomping around every time an officials "b.s." call threatens to upset the point spread he wants. He usually has a "prop bet" on the coin toss too. Unfortunately if the game doesn't go his way The Gambler turns into The Belligerent Drunk. That is unless the black lab covers the spread in his bet on The Puppy Bowl.

The Referee: This tool has to explain every official ruling on the field as if he's calculating a quadratic equation. He'll usually say something like: "Well that was an illegal formation because the half-caff flanker position moved from a three point stance to a two point stance without waiting for a pause in the snap count while the rigamarole motion was ad infinitum. Now normally the refs would let that go but because of the down and distance and clock situation they were forced to call it." Yeah thanks coach, I can't imagine why you don't win your fantasy football league every year.

The Commercial Lover: I hate to stereotype, but this is usually a woman. We all know her. She has no clue about what teams are in the game and often thinks that one teams "costumes are pretty."  She usually says, "Oh I love the Super Bowl because of the commercials. I heard this year that Doritos and Coca Cola combined  for a commercial where The Pope break dances with a 3-D video of Michael Jackson. Oh wait, wait, wait, QUIET EVERYBODY, I think this is it. SHHHHH...I want to see this one. Did you see that? That was so funny! Oh my god! BEST Super Bowl commercial EVER!" Usually I'm secretly rooting for the drunk, belligerent gambler to punch her in the forehead. 

Team Jersey Guy: This guy arrives at the party first and only brings a bag of chips. He grabs a beer and immediately plants his un-athletic physique in the recliner directly across from the television a half hour before kick off and won't leave that seat until the game is over. If you're the homeowner you might as well just haul that chair out to the curb after the game. You won't want to keep it.  He doesn't even get up to get another beer. "Oh, hey, if you're going out to the kitchen could you grab me a brewski?" Once he's settled in he's almost as bad as The Gambler. Team Jersey Guy is also the pleasant guy who tries to wave your children out of the way if they walk in front of the t.v. during the game and you swear his head will explode if one of the kids even mentions switching the channel to The Puppy Bowl. 

This year be sure to look for The Phil Factor commercial during the halftime show. If you miss that you can still subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor. 

 

 

The Everyday Oscars

Well, it's happened again. I was passed over. Not a single Oscar nomination. The whole process is completely biased against people like me. Ok, I know that there aren't really other people like me, but that does not excuse the Hollywood establishments prejudice against me. The Oscars have been handed out longer than I've been alive, but not once have I been awarded a gold, phallic statuette. Just because I'm not some kiss-ass Hollywood insider who's made a movie in the past year they completely overlook my accomplishments!

It is because of this snub that I refuse to attend the awards ceremony. I do have Oscar-worthy acting talent. So do many of you. Just because our skills don't appear on the big screen doesn't mean our talents should go unappreciated! To recognize the acting achievements of everyone like me, I hereby introduce The First Annual Everyday Oscar Awards! I imagine the awards ceremony will go something like this:

MC Phil: The Everyday Oscar for Best Performance in The Workplace goes to...(fumbling with envelope)..Craig Snodgrass for his role in "The Overdue Report!" ;(video clip begins to roll on the monitor) Craig: "Yes Mr. Hendricks, I knew that report was due this morning. I was about to forward it to you when I got the call that my grandmother, the woman who raised me after my parents died, was in a car accident." Mr. Hendricks: "Is that a Hooters napkin sticking out of your pocket?" Craig: "Yes it is sir. The hospital needed two quarts of my blood for the transfusion. They said I should drink a lot of fluids for the rest of the day. I got a little woozy driving back to the office and I had to pull over."

MC Phil:That always brings a tear to my eye. Next up, the Everyday Oscar for Best Relationship Saving Performance goes to...Heather Stevens for her fantastic performance in "Whose Boxers Are These?" (video clip begins to roll) Boyfriend: "Heather, I just found these boxer shorts under your side of the bed! They're not mine! Whose are they?!!?" Heather: Awww! You ruined the surprise! I bought them for you, but I got so turned on at the thought of you in them, that I put them on myself and wore them around for a day. Would you like to see me in them?" Boyfriend: "Are these your skid marks?" Heather: "Umm...yeah?"

If you'd like to nomonate me for an Oscar, Everyday or otherwise, you can click the Facebook Like button below and subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle or Kindle Fire.

Fun Ways to Prepare for the Apocalypse

It's 2012, the year the world is supposed to end. The end of the world concerns me greatly. What if the Mayans were right? Where will I live if the world ends? Now that the shuttle program has ended how will I get to the moon? And who among my Facebook friends will get to go with me? 

Should we be worried this time? Is there a chance the Mayans were right? In the news recently a current day Mayan leader said, "Dude, seriously, I am so sick of hearing about this. If the world does end, don't try and pin it on us. Damn, did you ever think that maybe the guy making the calendar just died, got laid off, or was fired for stealing office supplies?" I may be paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist of it. He also pointed out that in some other carved-in-stone tablets another Mayan referenced the year 4077. He didn't reference a specific day, but I'll be pretty mad if the world ends right before my birthday again. My cell phone, pda, and computer all have calendar functions and all of the calendars go past Dec. 21, 2012 so there's all the proof you need that the world is not going to end in 11 months. In fact, I have written a post and dated it to be released to my blog for Dec. 22, 2012, the day after the world is supposed to end. Suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs.

Hmmm...should we all be prepared though, just in case? And how should we prepare? Build shelters in our basements and stock up on non-perishable foods? Nah, that's no fun. I plan on getting ready for the Philpocalypse all year long.  Yes, I've re-named it and am trademarking the word "Philpocalypse" so that any reference to the end of the world will have to use the word "Philpocalypse." I'm going to make a fortune on t-shirts and the evening news should be fun.

Other fun ways to prepare for the Philpocalypse?

1. Quit your job: No, not today. Give your employer a letter of resignation announcing that you're resigning your position effective December 22, 2012. Just make sure you word it so that your resignation is contingent on the end of the world. Get it notarized.

2. Pajama Jeans: Not that you ever need an excuse to wear pajama jeans, but if anyone asks why, a simple "The world is going to end. Does it matter what I wear?" should suffice. Who's going to argue with that? And besides, they make my butt look amazing.

3. Speak your mind: You only have 11 months left to say everything you've wanted to say to anyone who has wronged you at any point in your life. I am so digging up my class pictures from Cicero Elementary School. Yeah, you know who you are and now you know the Philpocalypse is coming for you. Nobody takes my fish sticks and gets away with it.

4. Vote for President: But not just a vote for just any Presidential candidate. If the world is really going to end and the election results won't matter, then why not join together, all of us, hopefully more than the all of us reading this, and write in a candidate together. Someone absolutely ridiculous but who would be so entertaining that we wouldn't mind the State of the Union address disrupting our regular t.v. watching. Charlie Sheen? A Kardashian? Russell Brand? The Situation? Carrot Top? Me? Any suggestions? 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to embrace the Philpocalypse you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor. 

 

 

 

 

 

Angry at the Angry Birds? There's an App for That!

Hi, my name is Phil and I'm an app addict. I admit, I'm powerless over apps. It used to be appetizers that I couldn't resist, but now it's smartphone apps. Well, honestly I'm no better with the appetizers, pizza rolls specifically,  but now I have two app addictions. It started a year ago when I got my first smartphone. And yes, it started with those damn Angry Birds. 

Is anyone else out there an app addict with me? I can't be the only one. In fact, I like apps so much that I'm hoping to land a part-time job at the app store. But you know what? If there's a 12 step group for app addiction I do not want to go. I've now moved on to my second smartphone so I could have enough memory to store more wonderful apps. I realized I had an app addiction problem when I was doing some reading on a website and was thinking of signing up to use that websites services until I checked to see if they had an app I could get on my phone. They didn't and I thought to myself, "I don't want to do business with any business that doesn't have an app." I'm addicted to having the ability to know what I want to know immediately no matter where I am. And what the hell is wrong with that?

For Christmas I was given an App A Day calendar. Here are a few selections from the calendar:

Food Chime: Food chime is a timer app that reminds a smartphone user to eat at specific intervals. I suppose that this is useful so that if you get to caught up in solving Angry Birds or Stupid Zombies it will prevent you from starving to death. Except, it has a snooze function. If you're too stupid to remember to eat, then a smartphone probably has more memory than you. 

Baby Sleep: An app for parents who want to put their baby to sleep to the sound of gentle music. Perfect, we can start creating new app addicts right out of the womb. You'll have kids crying for their Blackberry instead of their pacifier. This must have been created after someone saw that e-trade baby commercial. If I find any parents using this app I'm calling Child Protective Services. 

Drunk Blocker: If you add names from your contact list to the app and activate the app before you go out it will prevent you from dialing those people. This is only useful if you're so drunk you forget how to deactivate the app. I'm going to check my wife's phone to see if I made her list. I sure hope so. 

Use By Date: This app could also be called  Food Poisoning Roulette. The app allegedly helps you determine if a food is still edible even after the use by date. If you install and use this app I'd like to have to committed to a hospital because if you think this is a good use of your time then you are likely a danger to yourself or others in a myriad of ways. 

Declaration: Your digital copy of the Declaration of Independence. Great! This will come in handy if Britain decides to try to levy a tax on my tea. Not since 7th grade Social Studies have I needed to reference the Declaration. Anyone else? I suppose it will come in handy when I start my own country. I can just plagiarize the whole thing and just insert the name of my new country.

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to have The Phil Factor everywhere you go you can...(I bet you thought I was going to announce a Phil Factor app didn't you?) There's no Phil Factor app yet, but you can share The Phil Factor with your friends by clicking the Facebook Like button below. The Phil Factor is also available on your Amazon Kindle and you can follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.