Fort Sumpter: 2012

Yikes it's been a while. Our life is busy, happy, and NEW. Here is what has been going on.

New degree:

Phillip graduated with honors from BYU with his law degree in April! He worked so hard for this and we are SO proud of him!

New state:

We made the plunge, we are official Delaware residents. I wasn't too pleased to have to replace my happy pink Utah driver's license with a dull and melancholy Delaware one. But.... I guess you gotta do what you gotta do...

New home:

We moved into a cute little townhome at the beginning of June. We love it. It's bright and cheery with lots of windows. Favorite part? Washer, dryer and dishwasher of course!!

Here's a quick look (please ignore the unanimous person who is deep into his football game):

New job:

Phillip started last week as a full-time corporate attorney for the firm Ashby & Geddes. He loves his job and loves the firm. He is busy and we miss him but compared to other corporate firms his schedule is quite manageable. Most of all we are so grateful that he has a job and can support me and Kaitlyn. I love being a stay-at-home mom to my girl.

New projects:

I always have a project going. Creating new things is so fun for me and I'm constantly thinking about the next thing I want to make. Recently I found an old table and chairs on Craigslist for cheap and stripped the gross table down and restained it. I'm sad I didn't take a before picture, but here is the finished product:

Other projects I've been working on include a Sunday quiet book for Kaitlyn (I will post the finished product when it is done), refinishing a hutch for the kitchen, a new dress for me, and some new shoes for Kaitlyn. I have about 5 other projects in my brain right now that I am just starting on. I LOVE how busy and happy crafting makes me.
top of hutch that I refinished:

Kaitlyn's new shoes:

New big girl:

Kaitlyn is growing like a weed! She makes us smile every day with her infectious smile and constant babble. She is trying so hard to say words and is constantly copying our voice inflections and our mannerisms. She can fold her arms for prayer time, make signs for "more food", "thank you", "drink", and "all done", and can stand by herself and is attempting to take some steps. One of the many things I love about Kaitlyn is how cautious she is. She is so nervous to take a step without someone being RIGHT next to her. She is my best buddy out here on the east coast and I can't imagine life without her.

favorite food (spaghetti):

toothy grin (8 teeth including a molar with more on the way!):

LOVES to sweep:

Enjoying the beach with Mommy:

nightly bedtime stories with daddy:

visiting her brother:

Sweet family:

Lastly, here are some videos of our girl. The first is her with her Aunts and Uncles. Kaitlyn loves her family (and I think you can tell they kinda like her too...). The second is classic Kaitlyn. Chatty and cheerful.

Life is new and changing constantly. We are trying to keep up with the changes and adjusting as we go.

By now all of you know about my obsession with our adorable little girl Kaitlyn. However, you may not be aware of another love that I have in my life, and that is my sweet son, Benjamin Rush Sumpter. Today is his birthday. He would be 3 years old today. I love to think about the little boy he would be if he were here- running around with his friends outside and keeping me busy and frantic in our tiny little apartment. In honor of his birthday today, I thought I would help you all get to know him a little bit better. I know a lot of people have gone through similar tragedies (or know someone who has) and so I want to share my story so that people can better understand my experience and maybe someone who is currently going through a similar hard time can be comforted in knowing that they are not alone. I know hearing comfort from those who had experienced trials helped me during my dark days.

I can’t believe so much time has passed since I’ve held my sweet little boy in my arms. At the same time, it feels like an eternity since I have been with my son. Benjamin Rush was born on March 27, 2009. After trying to have children for over a year with no success, Phillip and I had been anxiously awaiting the birth of this little boy. However, we didn’t expect his arrival to be anything like the reality that awaited us. Up to this point, my pregnancy had gone perfectly. I had a lot of morning sickness at the beginning that I wasn’t too fond of and a growing belly that I was very fond of. When people started to notice I was pregnant I beamed with pride. I definitely wasn’t trying to hide my protruding stomach. To top it all (as I’m sure all mother’s can agree), feeling his little kicks and movements inside of me was seriously heaven on earth.

At our 21 week ultrasound we were finally able to see our son. Up to this point my entire family had thought we were going to have a girl (we had even been calling him Kaitlyn up to this point… poor guy). When the ultrasound technician told us it was definitely a boy we immediately felt joy in knowing that a son was on his way into our family. Phillip immediately started talking about fun camping trips and scouting events that he couldn’t wait to enjoy with our son. I immediately started having visions of our son coming out wearing camouflage and sporting a rifle. This was definitely going to be a Sumpter boy. J We loved watching our son move and kick on the ultrasound for about an hour. We were shocked that the ultrasound technician gave us so much time, but she was all too happy to show us every little bit of our son and let us enjoy oohing and awwing over his cute and perfect little body. She even showed us a video and took pictures of him using the 3D ultrasound. When we were finally finished, she gave us a CD full of pictures and a DVD of the entire ultrasound. I remember her telling us that we would probably never watch the DVD because we would have the real baby to love and enjoy every day, but we should keep it just for fun. Little did she know that that DVD would become one of my most sacred possessions.

I started to feel that something was wrong around 24 weeks. By this point I was feeling Benjamin’s kicks regularly and, being a first time pregnant lady, was obsessed with the sensation. We were living in Connecticut at the time while Phillip worked with a consulting firm. (However my midwife was in Utah since that would be where I would be having the baby, so I was flying out every month to Salt Lake for my doctor’s appointments.) I remember one day when I didn’t feel Benjamin kick me. That night I told Phillip that I hadn’t felt any movement and he, being the sweet and comforting husband that he is, assured me that everything was ok. However I couldn’t shake the feeling and started to cry. Phillip told me not to worry but that if I still felt this way in a week I should call the doctor to ease my mind.* One week later I still felt uneasy. I could feel fluttering movements but not any kicking movements (which I could definitely feel the week before). So I called my midwife in Utah and was immediately comforted when she told me that I didn’t need to worry. At 24 weeks my baby was still small enough that I wouldn’t be feeling constant kicks. He probably just turned a different way and was kicking down so I couldn’t feel it as easily. With this I immediately relaxed and stopped worrying. Everything was ok. I didn’t tell anyone besides Phillip about the scare.

At 26 weeks I flew home for my 6 month doctor’s appointment. Phillip had come to every appointment up to this point. However this time he had to stay in Connecticut and work so I flew home alone. It was at this appointment on March 25, 2009 that my midwife discovered that there was no heartbeat. I can’t really describe to you how I felt in that moment, so I won’t even try. To be honest a lot of it is a blur. I remember reverting back into a child and curling up into the fetal position and screaming/chanting the word "no" over and over again. I remember my midwife calling my sister in to hold my hand. I remember repeating over and over the fact that I wanted Phillip. My agonized mind could not understand why they couldn’t bring him to me right now. I remember my parents coming. I remember my stepdad (who never shows emotion if he can help it) giving me a kiss on the head while tears streamed down his cheeks. I remember sitting on my mom’s lap illegally the entire way home and crying in her arms like I was once again her baby girl.

Phillip arrived the next day. He took me in his arms and I immediately felt better. The hours since finding out our son was gone had been beyond agonizing up to that point (by far the worst part of the entire ordeal). Phillip’s first words to me were “Isn’t it great to know that all of our children so far have made it to the Celestial Kingdom?” I couldn’t help it, I started to laugh. Trust my husband to make me laugh in my worst hour.

On March 27, 2009 I gave birth to our son. He was just under 1 pound (13.1 ounces) and was 10 inches long. Since he had passed away a couple of weeks before his birth without us knowing, his body was smaller than the average 26 week old. Because of this deterioration, I was a little bit nervous about how he would look and how I would feel when I saw him. I even originally told the nurses I didn’t want to see him because I was afraid his lifeless body would ruin my mind’s image of him. However when he came out I couldn’t help myself. My motherly instincts kicked in and I had to hold my son. Needless to say, he was perfect. Perfectly developed, perfectly small, and perfectly mine. I couldn’t believe the love I had for that little body. Phillip and I devoured his every feature. His little nose that looked like his dad’s. His round little tummy. His muscular and defined little calves. His cute little tongue. Everything was there. Perfectly formed. It was clear he had come to this earth and gotten exactly what he needed. A perfect body. I felt so overwhelmingly blessed that I could be the one to give him that gift. Having a child is truly the purest form of gift giving, and I was honored to be the benefactor. Those few minutes of peace with just Phillip and I holding our son were some of the sweetest and most spiritual moments of my life. We cried and rejoiced in having a son. We knew he was ours for eternity. He was every inspiration we needed to work our hardest to make it to heaven. After yearning for a child for over a year, he was our miracle.

The days following Benjamin’s birth were hard. We buried him in Salt Lake City next to his cousin Christian who was also a stillborn. It took a lot of time to heal from losing our son. It was immediately clear that the loss would be hardest on me. No one knew Benjamin like I did. No one else had felt his movements. No one else had talked to him daily and thought about him every moment since I knew he existed. During my pregnancy, every movement I made and every bite of food I took was consumed with thoughts of my son. Now that was gone. My arms ached for what I had lost. It was the first time I realized that emotional pain could come in the form of actual physical pain. My body ached every day for what I had lost.

I also remember feeling guilty every time I smiled. I felt like if I allowed myself to feel happy I would be dishonoring the memory of my son. I felt like I had to be sad so as not to forget him.

I know everyone who goes through a loss has different experiences and different reactions towards their lost loved one. We all grieve differently and I understand that. Just because my experience with my son turned out this specific way does not mean that it will for everyone. However I will say for those who have suffered a loss, to please remember to be patient with yourself. It’s ok to fall apart. It’s ok to hurt. No one is asking you to pretend to be happy. Let yourself heal. However don’t forget to let people into your life. Though they don’t understand exactly how you are feeling, they need to be there for you. Let them in. Let them help you. Both of you will then in turn find healing. Most importantly to those who are suffering, turn to the Lord. Though you may feel that nobody understands how you are feeling, He does. Do not shut Him out. He will be your biggest strength.

To those who have a loved one who is suffering, I often hear the words “I just don’t know what to say.” My advice is this- it’s ok to not know what to say. Go see them anyway. You don’t have to make it better. You don’t have to understand. Just be there. Take them for a walk. Take them out to lunch. Just be there.

My heart still has a hole for what I lost three years ago, but I have healed greatly since March 25, 2009. Time truly does heal. I still miss Benjamin. I still ache to know him, but we still feel his presence in our lives. We know his spirit still lives. We have felt that spirit in our lives. We especially felt his love on the day our sweet baby Kaitlyn was born, and I can tell you, his spirit is so sweet. How grateful I am to know that I will see him again. We put on his headstone the words “eternally ours.” I love the reminder that he will be ours forever- that I will get to hold him in my arms one day and raise him as my own. He is my first born child. He is my son. He is eternally mine. Happy Birthday Benjamin. Mommy loves you.

*As I side note… I hope I am not freaking out any of my pregnant friends. Please be comforted in knowing that every doctor I talk to says I am a rare, rare case. If I did have to give you any warning it is to trust your instincts. If you feel like you want another heartbeat check to ease your conscious, go get one! Only you know what you and your baby need.

The last picture I have of me pregnant with Benjamin (at 24 weeks):