Category Archives: Love

Feb17

You

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I try not to think of it.  No one should ever live in the world of what if and if only.  I enjoy my life as it is…for the most part.  There has been a lot of healing and choosing of battles.  I credit a great therapist and psychiatrist with helping me on this journey.

I have had many missteps, I have owned my failings and tried to move beyond them.  I try never to fall prey to the grass is greener on the other side, because basically you don’t know the real tea on what the other side is living.

I have loved and lost and loved again.  Rinse and repeat.

As I think of you tonight something within me is screaming DO.NOT. WRITE. THIS!!! Don’t give these feeling and works life. I’m hardheaded and I will not listen to that voice.  I need to release it all.  I have to let go. I have to move past. I have to.

I miss you so deeply.  There are times in my mind I have made a different choice.  I have allowed my own needs to outweigh my fear.  There are times in my mind I choose someone else’s husband and not my own.

I have danced around that very thing on this blog for a long time. I didn’t want to be seen as a whore, home wrecker, selfish destroyer of lives.

I picture a life of hard choices and joy.  I picture me questioning and afraid that what I have done to another will be done to me. That choosing you will lead to nothing but fear and heartache.  That one day you will become so tired of trying to prove your love that you do the very thing that brought me to you…betrayal.

But on the joyous side of that life, of that choice, is me walking near the water with you and our family.  The one we tore apart to build anew.  I picture our girls as sisters and our boys as brothers.  I picture us loving through the hardship of a love built on rocky ground.

I picture us near the water, you teasing me about my walk and me acting as if I’m ignoring everything you are saying.  I see this body heavy and full with a child we created out of love and need.  The child the doctors told me could take my life. I see me wide and heavy, as you help me sit in the sand as the kids play.  You rub my tummy and speak to a child who will be the carrier of our hope and dreams of love.  I laugh as you pull up my shirt and speak to him.  As you tell him of how much we love him and can’t wait to meet him I am filled with a love so abundant.  I rub your head as you kiss my belly.  I watch the life we have built and as I pray that the dark beginnings of our love flourishes in the light.

I know you would move heaven and earth for me.  I know this love is all consuming and quiet in its being.

Even as I struggle to know my place in your life I want you to know here in my safe place, if no place else…there are moments in my life I know I chose incorrectly, I should have chosen you.

Nov26

and scene…

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This scenario, the film I have developed and edited repeatedly in my mind.

It can’t be warm. Those are times gone by, moments never to be relived.
It’s all eyes in the beginning. No touching.
It’s blistering cold and I’m being me when it comes to all of that. You laugh at me. Eyes almost closed, cheeks flushed from the cold.
I unwrap my layers. You laugh again shaking your head. Then as I remove my coat I realize I’m holding my breath.
Wheeeew. Exhale.
We sit because it’s just lunch.
I can’t stop looking at you. You don’t say a word. You extend your hands across the small table.  I welcome the first touch. I place my cold hands into yours. You rub your warm hands over mine. The first touch nothing like you read in books. The earth does not move. No heart beats skipped. It’s the warmth from your heart to my hands and once again I am safe.
Within your hands.
It’s warm again and we are by the water entangled in a love so rich so powerful life changing.
I’m in your hands heart mind body spirit.  Exhale.
You rub slowly, gently until my hands are warm. When you’re done you don’t let go. You slowly open your hands giving me the opportunity to disconnect if I feel the need. I rub my palms over yours. Still in your hands. I turn your hands over.  I slowly unlatch your over sized TAG Heuer lay it gently to the side.
I see the ink with my own eyes for the first time,  I’m under your skin. I rub my thumb over it very slowly as I try and fail to keep my emotions at bay. I look into your eyes as mine fill with tears.
Then you finally speak. “It’s okay Love. Let’s get some lunch”.
In your hands under your skin in your spirit. I am there.
Aug1

see

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There are moments I find myself shaky.  Moments where my heart and soul are tender in their need for reassurance. 

I have tried so hard to stay in my lane.  To allow you to live the life you have constructed.  I have to tried to stay safe for both of our sakes.

Tonight it was too much, too much anger, too much Jack Daniels, and too much frustration. After the final sip I found myself wanting, needing.  I knew no matter what I could count on you to talk me down.  To soothe me and not judge my tears.

I felt so safe just letting you in.  Even with the lies of the past, I still trust you with the most fragile and tender parts of me. I reached out to you because even after all this time you are my safe place.  

I tried to hold back my tears, I sobbed unsuccessful as I let them fall with no shame.

Your words to me “I see you.” I know this to be true.  You see me in a way no one else does.  Through your eyes I am not perfect, but I am more than my flaws.  I am simply me.  That me fills this you and we are the we that has evolved through pain, triumph, and love.

I reach for you in the only way I know how.  Open, wanting, wounded, and longing.

The best most loving part of you, reaches the best most loving part of me.

It is not perfect, but it is enough for us to be who we have become.  Two people in this world of billions who through a lens of love “see” each other.

Dec26

Let’s Dance

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You came into my life so long ago, so many memories still vivid for me.

Never forgotten, always in my heart and soul.

When you ask me for forgiveness for broken hearts and deferred dreams after all this time I can speak my truth.  

I have moved through hurt, sadness, and anger.  I have moved through you and back to me, only to get to us again.  

It’s our dance.  A dance of love and friendship.  A lifetime of full moons.

Even when I don’t want to love you, within my soul I know I do.  

It’s our dance.  A dance of acceptance of choices. A lifetime full of my love for you.

Thank you for your words from the heart.  Thank you for knowing I only want your truth.  Thank you for making me, making us matter.  Thank you for feeding our souls.

I love how you hold me while we dance Sweets.

Oct26

So Mama has this thing…

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I talked to the youngest two today.  It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed. 

I told them that I love them far and wide.  Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does.  My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.

I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love.  I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.

I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know.  Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby  boy was only 3yrs old.  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.  This is how they know me.  This is how they will remember me.  

I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.

Sep11

….so I creep yeah I just keep it on the down low

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I told myself I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t google (google is the devil) but I did.  For the first time in a long while it didn’t turn out the way I had planned.

As I looked at the pics and the video I wondered if you ever creep on me.   Googling the names you have tattooed across various parts of your body.  I am simple to find, but it’s not like I’m hiding.

I imagine a day when I google and I find a baby registry much in the way I found the truth you were lying to me about.  

I noticed a few things…the weight gain…me too and the acne is back which lets me know you are stressed. This makes me sad.  It makes me miss you all the more.  I know my lane and I plan to stay firmly in it.  I am four feet from peace BL.  Finally.

Still battling those little red bottom imps when they pop up, but the darkness has fallen to the background.  I am in a good place for the most part.  I still struggle, but I feel I will not be defeated.

It was good to hear your voice, to see you with the boy.  He so grown up, our version of Noah.  “Our” baby.

Remember when we were in the ER with baby girl?  “Our” babies the lot of them.  

I hope she makes you happy BL I hope when she lays in your arms her head resting on my name across your heart (a bit o’ shade) I hope you are four feet from peace.

Where is her name…

God I hope she never googles “us”

She ain’t ready for the “truth”

Jul3

The Catch

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I‘ve been working away at life.  

As strange as that may sound it’s exactly what I’m doing.  Working on me and trying to sate those demons that have taken over my life.

My therapist has been asking the tough questions and asking me to put in work…not words ACTION.  I’m working toward trying to find me that was lost after my deployment 10yrs ago.  My PTSD is real in more ways than I would like to admit.  I pushed it aside for a decade and now it’s time to do the work that comes along with understanding myself and healing.

I’m working on loving myself.  For most of my life I have felt at odds with the love people have said they feel for me.  I need love in very real words and people in my life are not word people for the most part.  So I have to WORK at finding the love that they are showing and not assume it’s simply not there.

The Mister and I are caught up in this process of me trying to heal.  Though I know he doesn’t understand my unhealed mind (he’s told me as much) he says that he is here and will be more than happy to catch me *if* I fall.  It seems all so simple, but I’d rather make it hard (Lauryn Hill).  

It touched me that he was able to say that.  It feels good to know that he is in my corner.  That he’s cheerleading (in his own way) this rocky journey to being healed.

May18

Doing that thing…

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I’m trying to find my way back to The Mister, and find my way back to me.  

I find there have been times in the past that I’ve wanted to be close to him, to reach out to him, to be close to him.  When those feeling hit me, I would suppress them.  I have had a “thing” all of my life of being in fear of wanting someone who did not want me.  I know I have issues and I continue to work on them and work through them.

I have put up a good front for many years, the strong me.  The fearless me.  When the reality is I was quite the opposite in so many situations.  I didn’t want to smother him with my neediness.  I didn’t want to cling.  Avoiding those moments left me feeling a bit out of sorts and a LOT of lonely.

So in 2013 the year of ME, I’m trying to do the things that make me feel good.  I touch him, reach for his hand, sit next to him and try to love on him whenever the feeling hits me.

I’m simply trying to do that thing that makes me feel good.

May10

Asking a loaded question

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When you ask a question you want to receive a honest answer. I believe The Mister asks questions and expects them to be answered in the way he would at any given moment.

When he asked me if I was happy I answered honestly. I’m not and I still struggle even a year later. He feels secure in this space, so he assumed erroneously, I do too.

There are times I am raging on the inside and I try to shelter his feelings. Then I’m even angrier because when he started flirting with his COWORKER neither one of those motherfuckers were concerned about me.

I told him today I don’t feel safe and I’m still not able to trust fully. I really thought I would be further along in my healing by now. Sadly this is not the case. I’m trying to figure out what I get out of staying angry. The way I see it, anger is my heart and souls way if TRYING to feel safe. It does not work but that’s all I got right now.

He looked defeated and sad after I told him my truth. I don’t want him to feel this way. Hey welcome to MY reality. You drove us here. I’m trying to help us get back on the road to healing

This shit hurts like stepping on Legos.

Mar14

It’s all love

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I’ve drank too much tonight.  Road trip tomorrow I have to stay sober this weekend.  It’s a birthday I can’t fuck up.  

I keep reading your writings and I want to reach out for my own selfish reasons, but I know you well enough to know you are trying so very hard to be a better you.  I have love for you so I stay in my lane.  Oh God I miss you so much.  I want to call or text.  Connect.  I want to laugh over the things that don’t matter all the while not talking about he things that do.  I miss you BL.  

I miss the way you put me in my place, the way you love me the only way you know how.  Free and unedited.  I feel stupid because I know I want to disrupt what could be real happiness for you, when I claim all I want is your happiness, but do I really?

ion know BL I just don’t know.  I keep my peace because to do anything else would be selfish and hurtful and ion want to be THAT chick.

It’s all love. Love

Mar10

Here’s to you

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Dearest BL,

My bestest friend of heart.  I miss you.  I think over the years that have passsed the ebb and flow of friendship has followed real life.  It ebbs it flows.  

From the first moment I heard you speak, all hands waving and smiles my heart spoke.  Then you smiled and laughed all cheeks and light.

Even though at that time I loved The Mister in way that was imprinted on my DNA, I knew I would love you for the rest of my time here and beyond.

As friendship and heart to heart love grew I saw things in you that scared me, my own reflection.  The writing of your words, the truth of your heart.  The marrow of your bone. 

Truth you spoke to me, tears and blood for me.  

Truth built on a lie, the lie of what could be.  The lie of no one gets hurt.  The lies you felt you needed to whisper to protect me.

Not believing MY truth that no matter what I am safe in the love I know you will always feel for me.  You are the first person in my life I EVER felt that way about.  Safe.

After the time that has passed I am never really sure why you couldn’t trust me with the truth.  

I know you are gone from my life and with your love in my heart I am free to let you go.  Though you will never read this here’s to you…

For every drop of ink you have dedicated to me, pen to paper ink to skin, I will love you.  Each drop represents a lifetime I will love you and hope for your happiness.  No matter where or with whom you choose.

With all my love, 

Poetry

Mar10

I’m a fool…

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I have declared 2013 The Year of Me.  I’m working on self mentally (not yet physically) and I’m getting rid of what doesn’t work for me.

I like sameness, I not a big proponent of change although I can roll with it when change comes about.  I’m so late on this song, though I’ve heard it several times I never gave it a good listen.  When I did I grabbed onto the sameness I had known for a YEARS.

I felt myself yearning, thirsting for sameness, not the change I wanted/want to see in this year of my new decade of life.

I played with the idea of running backward, but the thing with running backward is everyone else has moved forward so NOTHING is the sameness it was.

My heart ached I mean take a breath and let the tears flow ached.  I didn’t try to stop them I may even have gone into the ugly cry♥ but I DID NOT run backward and fuck things up like I would have 12 short months ago.  I’m still aching, but *I* am not the sameness anymore.

Oct13

School is in session…

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I’ve been watching Life Classes on the OWN network.  I watched the class on Letting Go.  How we manifest hurt and pain as anger.  That is so me.  I’ve known for some time that my anger comes from a place of hurt.  That on some level I haven’t been able to deal with my hurt, so I stay angry because it allows me to feel I can CONTROL something.  Anger is actually the loss of control for me.  It causes me to go into a place that takes over me…loss of control.

Recently I’ve tried to deal with some painful things, I got angry…then I got really sad.  I let the hurt and pain wash over me.  I was so upset over losing something I THOUGHT I had.  It still hurts and I’m going to let it.  Because if I don’t walk through this pain I will never stop being angry at the one I feel hurt me.  What makes it even harder is there is friendship wrapped up in all of pain.  A friendship I want(ed) to keep.  Sometimes people simply aren’t worthy

I not only let anger control me, I let this friendship take more then it was worth.

I’m still left to wonder…

The heart wants what it wants, and at this time I’m just going to have to hold on until the pain (not anger) subsides.

I’ll meet you on the other side of this session.

Aug19

Picture me rolling like…

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TUPAC!!!!!

Now that grad school is on hold (just on hold not forgotten by any  means) I’m looking at buying myself a…new car!!! (said like they do on the Prices is Right)

The Mister and I are having an ongoing dialog *giggles* about which vehicle I will purchase.  Now this isn’t a right now purchase, because unlike The Mister I can wait for new and shiny. (you see how I just threw shade all ovah him reht there?)  So we went to look at the car…a bit o’ research.  It was a day trip that included good food and a GREAT mall.  When I saw the car I had *thought* I was in love with I soon realized it was much too small for a family of our size…sooooooooo I moved up to the next model.  Which was perfect!  Made The Mister sit in the back seat too, good measure of leg room.  The Mister left me to my drooling as I sat in the drivers seat  and played inside the cabin.

So yesterday he starts talking about the price of this vehicle…hmmm now that’s odd because before I even had a job we purchased a BRAND NEW truck for him.  No argument no nothing.  BAM! new truck in the driveway.  He loves it!  Good!  

As he’s pissing ALL OVER my new car parade I can feel myself start to get heated.  Then I just calmly told him he was raining on my parade.  I also pointed out when we bought his BRAND NEW truck 5mths ago he wasn’t too overly concerned about cost and such.  I AGAIN explained this isn’t a RIGHT NOW purchase, I’m willing to wait for bills to be paid and THEN get my new shiny love muffin. (I gots car love BAD, never had this before!)

I was more then a little pissed at him, I felt in not so many words (cause he doesn’t use a lot of them most times…yes more shade throwing!  LOL) he was telling me I wasn’t worth this car.  That all my blood, sweat, and tears (literally) wasn’t worth having this luxury vehicle.  Big Sis and I talked and laughed about it later.  I told her “I’m getting that car!” she agreed with me.  My new paycheck isn’t just for his toys.  I earned a lot of sumthin’ sumthin’ for me.  We have owned NUMEROUS vehicles over the years and EVERY new car (I mean new!) has been his.  We’ve been together almost 16yrs…he really ought to ashamed of himself…but we know he’s not!  LOL…though he did tell me he wasn’t trying to tell me I wasn’t worth the car, in fact he wanted me to have it!  So now look who’s thinking about that bottom line…I wanted to ask him how it felt to be married to someone who is HIGH MAINTENANCE and has to have nice thangs…but I didn’t.  I just laughed…on the inside.

If he wants more toys he better get a paper route or better yet…go to school, get a degree and make yourself more marketable.  If it’s good for me, hell it’s good for him.