Feb28

Friday Wishes

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I wish…

I knew a GREAT paying job was waiting on me after I finish my MPA

I could stay in this space in my journey to healing…forward motion can’t stay still

I could TRULY let go and let the Mister (you church folks should get that one)

my sex drive would bring its sorry ass back to me

 the mister could finish his career the way we planned

I could get SERIOUS about eating and fitness

I didn’t feel so lazy

my MPA was done

I could vacation in the islands

I was closer geographically to my sisterfriends

I could heal KC’s pain

I knew what I wanted to be when I grow up

Feb28

Mile 26

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Hello life. 

Whew.  

Man.

The Mister and I have been together for almost 2 decades.  We have ups and downs.  

Whew.

Man.

There has been infidelity and some heartache.

Man. 

Whew.

I’m keeping it real in this year of ME. 2014

Yesterday was a testament to the healing I have sought through seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist.  

The mister and I had a professional function for his workplace yesterday.  I had to sit across from the chick he was flirting with AND her NEW husband.  

Man. 

Whew.

I had a INTENSE therapy session the day prior.  I was stuck.  Giving away my peace and joy.  I worked through some things in that session that allowed me center myself. So as I smiled and had a good time.  I found my peace and my joy.  

I’m sure the mister and the bitch at the bottom of the sea (flirty chick) were clenched beyond comfort, but I had a sense of who I plan to be.  

Wwwwhew 

Maaaaan

I am no one’s victim and this whole incident is a indication of things that were wrong in my life.  I put in the work, it hurts and it’s slower than I would like.  Work is being done regardless.

I have felt the loss of my joy and peace, I replaced it with anger and fear.  This journey is marathon, but for the first time I feel I’m at mile 26.

 

 

Jan19

Be not afraid

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I am afraid.  It makes me feel weak.  It makes me anxious.  It makes me angry.  

In 2014 I’m trying not to eat (literally and figuratively) those feelings.  I’ve had a food addiction for most of my life.  While food is not my friend, it’s not my enemy either.  I’ve given it a place in my life that I felt comfortable with.  I am no longer comfortable and little by little I plan to change me.

This is a huge year for me.  Again with life changes.  So many changes in my life in less than 5yrs.

I have addressed my PTSD for real, for the first time in a decade.  A fucking decade!  Wow.  I’m good at that hide and not seek thing.

I have addressed The Mister and how I feel in this marriage for the first time for real in 17yrs!  Yep I’m the hide and not seek gold medal winner.  

Life is being turned upside down yet again and I’m a planner without a solid plan.  That leaves me fearful.  

Loss of income, health insurance and security.  Things that I value in, but have no control over. Thank you Uncle Sugar (Uncle Sam).  

In my mind I’m running to and fro screaming “the muthfuckin’ sky is fallin’ ya’ll don’t see it?  Why you just standing around…run muthafuckas run!” I’ve learned to quiet that screaming with prayer and positive self talk AND forward motion.  Running around like a crazy chicken is not going to change whatever is going to happen.  I had to check my faith.  I was so shaky in my faith I felt shame.  So I prayed, not everyday.  But I prayed when I heard that screaming, I was able to quiet it.  Thank you Lord.  Such a blessing.

I’m working on my MPA again fear.  The fear that I am not smart enough, that no one will hire me and pay me for my talents (hell what are my talents).  I keep working through that fear, because to ignore gives it fire and passion.   I keep putting one foot in front of the other, one day closer.

Everyday I can tell myself…Be Not Afraid.

Dec26

Let’s Dance

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You came into my life so long ago, so many memories still vivid for me.

Never forgotten, always in my heart and soul.

When you ask me for forgiveness for broken hearts and deferred dreams after all this time I can speak my truth.  

I have moved through hurt, sadness, and anger.  I have moved through you and back to me, only to get to us again.  

It’s our dance.  A dance of love and friendship.  A lifetime of full moons.

Even when I don’t want to love you, within my soul I know I do.  

It’s our dance.  A dance of acceptance of choices. A lifetime full of my love for you.

Thank you for your words from the heart.  Thank you for knowing I only want your truth.  Thank you for making me, making us matter.  Thank you for feeding our souls.

I love how you hold me while we dance Sweets.

Nov3

A welcomed visitor

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I have noticed lately that I’ve been feeling things I haven’t felt in some time.  That tingly feeling you get when you want to get a little bit.  

My sex drive left home a few years ago.  I have prayed that it would come back and I would once again be a horny housewife.  For the past few weeks I have had yearnings.  I really didn’t give it much thought at first but when it began to hit me multiple times in a week I begin to get a little excited (pun intended).

I wanted sex.  I wanted to touch and taste.  I’ve been real gentle with these longing as I don’t want to scare it away.

I’m hoping it’s not just a visit, I’m hoping against hope it’s back to stay.  

Oct26

So Mama has this thing…

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I talked to the youngest two today.  It was a short conversation and just a few tears were shed. 

I told them that I love them far and wide.  Though I may not love them in the way their daddy does.  My love is ALWAYS here and it’s always true and deep.

I saw the tears in their eyes as I explained that my lack of emotion for them is NOT a lack of love.  I told them everything I do is for them, but I will have to express my love for them in writing and small gestures.

I told them about the panic attacks and how my brain now works differently than it did before my deployment. In those moments I realized the PTSD me is the only Mama they know.  Baby girl was 3mths old when I deployed and baby  boy was only 3yrs old.  I hadn’t thought of it in those terms.  This is how they know me.  This is how they will remember me.  

I only hope that in time they will understand how I love them and that the words I put on paper are enough to make them feel it.

Oct22

When you seek it…

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I often wish that The Mister was more expressive, open with his love for me.  I understand that he “speaks” in the way that feels natural to him.  I’ve tried to adjust to that, but for a lover of words and emotions it hard and at times I yearn for more.

Last night he played this song for me and held me as I cried in the kitchen, while we cooked dinner together.  He even sang (which is not his gift!).

I was so full of love for this man.  God sent him here for me and me for him.  Even when it’s hard, it’s worth it.  I have to remember that.  Gonna keep praying.  So blessed.

Oct19

Coming to these terms…

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My sister has plans to become a drug and alcohol counselor.  We come from humble beginnings but are meant for great endings and I’m so proud of her!

She is my very best friend and I am better for having her as a steady support in my life (hard to believe we weren’t close growing up)

She currently runs a clinic for Veterans.  We talk often about how the government doesn’t do enough for them.

Last night we talked about motherhood and PTSD.  My PTSD.  I was diagnosed in 2003 after my last deployment.  I have put off treatment for 10yrs just getting by and surviving.  I am now seeing a counselor AND a psychiatrist.  I refuse to medicate myself for mood issues.  I tried that before and those meds just killed my spirit.  So it’s a long road to navigate.

I feel guilt for not being strong enough NOT to have PTSD.  Though I had a weapon pointed at me, my deployment was much less violent than those who have continued to serve.  It makes me feel weak to know I can not get back to the me I was before that deployment.  I feel like that person wasn’t perfect, but I kind of liked her.  I am now without feeling most of the time. I have moments of break through but they aren’t nearly enough to make me feel like me.

My sister says I should tell my children about my PTSD so that they understand that it’s me not them.  I cried during that part of our phone call.  I don’t mind telling them about my disability, I am just broken at the thought that they may have damage because I am damaged.  That makes me angry and very sad.

I have to pick a time and place.  My hope is that my babies know that I love them.  I  have found those things I can no longer express in words, I will put pen to paper and show my love.

These are not the terms I wanted for motherhood, but this is where I am.

Oct12

Think tank

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I laid awake at 0356 this morning and wrote a character for a book I hope I’m able to write.  He’s not what I had originally pictured but as I sussed out his detail it seem to fit better than the character I had “written” before.  

I laid awake for over an hour a bit pissed that I wasting sleeping time (which is a hot commodity lately) but he came to me so strong and real I had to let my mind wonder all over him.  His flaws are many, but I felt my heart full of the man he WANTED to be.  I even got a fuzzy vision of his mother.

All I can say is he’s came to me as a wounded biracial man.  Half black and half samoan.  Which isn’t how I envisioned him at all, but there you have it.  I don’t even have a name for him yet.  Nothing that is rolling around in my spirit fits yet.

I’m hoping more will come to me and I’m able to write what I envision.  It’s hard because a part of me believes when I write this tale, it will cause people in my life to question me and I’m not ready to face that.  I’m hoping to avoid it all together.

I feel like a fish in a bowl, just swimming in my think tank for all to see and judge me.  I don’t want to answer those questions I just want to write this book. This story.

Oct11

A writer’s block

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My book is coming together in my mind, need to get to writing.  I’m having issues with imagery.  I’m also thinking that there may be things I write about my characters that may disturb some folks spirit including my own.

Can I truly embrace characters who have flaws that are “unacceptable” and will readers enjoy reading about characters with flaws that have no societal consequences?

 

*sigh*

Oct11

Friday Wishes

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I wish…

he spoke my love language

I could write this book 

I felt confident in my Grad work

I was gentler with me

I knew what was PTSD and what was bitchiness

I felt safe

I knew you were safe

I wasn’t so angry

I could do the therapy work and fully heal

I could win 350 million in lotto and take care of the ones I love

Oct11

I dreamed a dream of days gone by?

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I don’t know the why of it all.  I’m not sure if you keep coming to me in deep slumber because you need me or is it I’m at a place where I need you?  

You never arrive you are just always there.  

When I “see” you I get this tightness in my chest and a lightness quickly follows.  We are always talking about your current situation but never mine.  You never scold me for being the ultimate avoider, something I have been guilty of as long as I can remember.

The touch is always light and subtle not a full on meshing of body, just a light touch and a transferring of our souls, through light touches of fingers.  

In this dream I met “the new” or as I like to call her my mini me (yes you have type).  

I don’t know if all the windows in this dream signified a greater meaning, but each window looked upon the ocean, my favorite place to be.  

The only time I recall full contact I hugged you tightly from behind, which I am prone to do.  You wrapped your hands in mine as we looked out the one window that wasn’t facing the ocean as “the new” walked away from us.   I told you I never wanted to break her heart, your answer to that…well she had to break someone else’s heart to get here.  Did you feel my heart race and skip at those words?

I always feel safe with you even though I know in reality that is no longer the case.

As I wake from these dreams I often wonder, are you coming to me or am I seeking you?

This to shall pass.

Sep17

Reach…

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You’ve come to me in my dreams twice in the past week.  

I pray that you are doing well, that you don’t need me in some way.  That’s our connection.  If it were a different time I would simply call or text and inquire.  But I’m in my lane.

Sending you love BL, hoping if you need ME you will reach out and we can take this friendship where it’s meant to go.

ES

Sep11

….so I creep yeah I just keep it on the down low

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I told myself I wouldn’t do it.  I wouldn’t google (google is the devil) but I did.  For the first time in a long while it didn’t turn out the way I had planned.

As I looked at the pics and the video I wondered if you ever creep on me.   Googling the names you have tattooed across various parts of your body.  I am simple to find, but it’s not like I’m hiding.

I imagine a day when I google and I find a baby registry much in the way I found the truth you were lying to me about.  

I noticed a few things…the weight gain…me too and the acne is back which lets me know you are stressed. This makes me sad.  It makes me miss you all the more.  I know my lane and I plan to stay firmly in it.  I am four feet from peace BL.  Finally.

Still battling those little red bottom imps when they pop up, but the darkness has fallen to the background.  I am in a good place for the most part.  I still struggle, but I feel I will not be defeated.

It was good to hear your voice, to see you with the boy.  He so grown up, our version of Noah.  “Our” baby.

Remember when we were in the ER with baby girl?  “Our” babies the lot of them.  

I hope she makes you happy BL I hope when she lays in your arms her head resting on my name across your heart (a bit o’ shade) I hope you are four feet from peace.

Where is her name…

God I hope she never googles “us”

She ain’t ready for the “truth”

Jul3

The Catch

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I‘ve been working away at life.  

As strange as that may sound it’s exactly what I’m doing.  Working on me and trying to sate those demons that have taken over my life.

My therapist has been asking the tough questions and asking me to put in work…not words ACTION.  I’m working toward trying to find me that was lost after my deployment 10yrs ago.  My PTSD is real in more ways than I would like to admit.  I pushed it aside for a decade and now it’s time to do the work that comes along with understanding myself and healing.

I’m working on loving myself.  For most of my life I have felt at odds with the love people have said they feel for me.  I need love in very real words and people in my life are not word people for the most part.  So I have to WORK at finding the love that they are showing and not assume it’s simply not there.

The Mister and I are caught up in this process of me trying to heal.  Though I know he doesn’t understand my unhealed mind (he’s told me as much) he says that he is here and will be more than happy to catch me *if* I fall.  It seems all so simple, but I’d rather make it hard (Lauryn Hill).  

It touched me that he was able to say that.  It feels good to know that he is in my corner.  That he’s cheerleading (in his own way) this rocky journey to being healed.

Jun24

There’s no crying…in Zumba

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Well I’m back in the gym…I have a anemic weight loss blog…over there ————>

I’ve been going to Zumba with baby girl trying to just get into the groove of things.  The class went well sweaty tired and such.  The instructor decided to cool down to this song.

So as I’m sweating and stretching I start to cry.  I felt it coming and I couldn’t stop it.  I just let them fall.  

I know where it came from and I knew it would do no good to hold it in.

Guess my body isn’t the only thing I’m working out at the gym.

Baby steps.

May18

Doing that thing…

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I’m trying to find my way back to The Mister, and find my way back to me.  

I find there have been times in the past that I’ve wanted to be close to him, to reach out to him, to be close to him.  When those feeling hit me, I would suppress them.  I have had a “thing” all of my life of being in fear of wanting someone who did not want me.  I know I have issues and I continue to work on them and work through them.

I have put up a good front for many years, the strong me.  The fearless me.  When the reality is I was quite the opposite in so many situations.  I didn’t want to smother him with my neediness.  I didn’t want to cling.  Avoiding those moments left me feeling a bit out of sorts and a LOT of lonely.

So in 2013 the year of ME, I’m trying to do the things that make me feel good.  I touch him, reach for his hand, sit next to him and try to love on him whenever the feeling hits me.

I’m simply trying to do that thing that makes me feel good.