So... whats next?

I have spent the last almost 5 years of my life concentrating on one thing. Sure there were distractions but overall it was all about creating a family. So now I have one, now what?

I honestly wonder where I fit in sometimes. My husband and I have been beyond blessed when it comes to financials. We both have extremely good jobs, a beautiful home which we bought when the market was low, every toy and holiday we every wanted, yet that is being held against us. There are family members who think because we did some home renos that were needed that we are throwing it in their face. Even though 6 years ago when we were struggling on one measly income because I was in school and drowning from that debt and they took that opportunity to laugh at us because they all had jobs and no debt. Now the tables are turned, they were not smart with their money now they are struggling. So we are not allowed to buy something because it is rubbing it in their faces.

Or there is still the inlaws who still treat me like second class. I invited them up to the city to give them a computer. They only payment they had was to come visit. They never even stopped in here, went straight to the other family. Thanks. I am sick of not being appreciated.

Or there is my family who is so falling all over the one family member because she is starting over. It is because of her that she is starting over but we should all bend over backwards.

Where was I going? Oh yeah. So now what? I imagined this time to be great, instead I find myself tiptoeing around family. I don't dare mention my struggles, everyone else has them worse.

I don't know. I am rambling. I am at one of those times in life I just wonder what it is all for.

I don't understand

Yet another family member is pregnant with an oops. Just got married, just bought a house, everything is bloody perfect. I have my beautiful baby and I am very happy for her but I am I jealous?? Is this feeling of why me going to stay with me forever?? I hate feeling like this, I hate wanting to cry every time I hear of someone else pregnant. I am not an awful person!

They were right,you do forget

I can remember unttering the words "never again will I ever do this" while pushing out a large head out of a small (well was small) hole. But as three, almost 4 months have passed and I am faced with only 8 left (thank you Canada) of maternity, I cannot bear the thought of going back to work. I want to stay home and have another one! I was actually just looking at Nevaeh thinking that I want to do this again and soon. My boss is actually ok with it (she is totally understanding) and has encouraged me to take my time because my children will only be young once. Matt has a really good job and makes double my income and we used to live on less than my income alone so I know we would do ok.

But I don't know if these feelings are stemming from jealousy either. I think of all those pregnant now and I still get jealous. WTF? I thought that was over but I guess not. I still get jealous of those that get pregnant easily or have more than one. I wish that would stop, that is NOT who I am.

The in-laws struck again in their ever plight to make me feel like crap and if my battery wasn't dying on my laptop I would tell you how but it will have to wait.

For now I will just leave you with the fact that our pumpkin loves her jolly jumper and is constantly laughing. She is the best baby ever.

Thanks Michelle

Your comments made me cry. I expected everything to be hard but yet it still surprised. I do have a wonderful husband - just this weekend he packed up Nevaeh and took her to be with the grandparents so I could have a weekend to myself. I somehow turned it into a bad thing, I think my hormones are still off. I realize now he was trying to help but at the time I saw him taking her away from me.

He has been off of work pretty much since she was born and I just think he has been around too much. He helps a ton with Nevaeh but not much else. So I spend all my time with chores instead of enjoying her. But if I don't do it noone will.

As for the sex life, I am sure it will get back on track but right now I feel so ugly. I am only about 8 pounds from pre-pregnancy and just lost 10 in the past couple weeks but I have all this loose skin and still more pounds to lose. I honestly don't feel attractive and therefore can't see how anyone else could. It doesn't help my sis keeps reminding me I am overweight.\

Like I said, many inner problems. But no matter how horrible things get or how bad I feel, I just look at the angel that has entered our lives and I thank God she is here. She is my saving grace, my reason for being here. Now I know what the phrase a mother's love truly means - and it is wonderful.

photoshoot

I am still around and still horribly in love with my little girl. Matt and I are struggling to define lines in between parents and lovers. We need to find some common ground to get our love life back on track but right now we are still focused on our little girl.

Sometimes I feel like a slave, cleaning, cooking, child rearing, but this is what I wanted, right? I am struggling with so many inner issues right now that I don't have time to deal with everything. Right now I am trying to just enjoy my daughter before this time is over.

Some more pics

I also want to say that I appreciate everyone looking out for me. My blues are getting better but it will be nice to get back to normal. I still am so happy to have my little girl. I want to be pregnant again but honestly can't imagine how I will be able to love 2 because it seems like she gets my everything.

A joy

My little girl is growing fast! She is smiling and cooing. She keeps wanting to sit up on her own and doing mini crunches, it is awesome!