Contemplation

As I was sitting here, typing away, I looked up through my bedroom indow and began to think. My window looks out at the neighbor's ugly garage roof, but beyond that is a beautiful mountain which is currently covered in snow.


It is snowing right now. I love snow. It's beautiful. Granted, I don't like being SUPER cold, but I love to look at snow. I love to crunch through it. A field blanketed in snow is probably one of my favorite sights. I love the way it hangs off of trees. It's just amazing.


I find myself comparing life to the wonder that is snow. There are times in life where we are beautiful fields blanketed in snow - clean and pure with no blemishes or footprints through us. Then there are times we're the browned snowbank, pushed up by snow plows, sloshed about by the tires of passing cars, moved and prodded, scarred by the pressure put on us by those around us.


Once in a photography class, we were given the topic of "Beauty" to photograph that week. At the end of the week, we met together and our teacher picked several of the photos we had taken as his favorites, and each photographer had to discuss why they thought their picture represented beauty. Mine was among those pictures. Here it is:
It's difficult to really understand it without seeing it. But...it's a parking lot that has tire tracks and footprints through the snow. I didn't really know then how to explain how I felt about this being beautiful. But now, I think I understand my own thoughts.
I love the snow and I love the purity of an untouched area of snow. However, I think what is more beautiful in this picture is that, although there are footprints and tire tracks, the snow still remains. Sometimes, that's how we are. We start out so clean and pure, but slowly, we get a few marks and tracks through us. But, no matter how many blemishes we have, we can still be that pure, clean snow once again. We can stand up against the adversities of life and be beautiful without being perfect.
I don't know if this is making sense to anyone but myself. Oh well. It was just a thought. Now, I think I'm going to go hang that picture on my wall.

Some more names...

So - I signed up to do a "blog a day" for the entire year 2008. Wow! But...I figured this blog and the other blogs I have (prettymuchimkelli.blogspot.com and sundayraysofsunshine.blogspot.com) should make that pretty easy. Especially since all but 31 days of the year (January) I'll be posting on here.
I thought of some more names:
[editors note: I have removed all names for their privacy]
That adds 11 more. That brings it to 123 names. Only 243 more!

more to come at a later date :)

Vacation time is over.

Although I don't return to school for another week, my vacation is over. I spent the past 4 days at my brother's house with his family, my sister's family, my single sister, and my parents. It was a nice, relaxing (for the most part) few days, and now...I'm back at my apartment, staring at the PILE (literally) of things I have to get done over the next week before I head back to school. I'm sure I won't get it all finished, but at least I can put a bit of effort into it.
So...here's the list:
1) Lesson plan for all of January - this includes: beginning recorders and ukeleles, finding songs to sing with the 2nd, 3rd, and 6th graders, woodwind instrument family lessons, and whatever else I decide to do in January. Instruments for 2nd, 3rd, and 6th graders maybe?
2) Sanitizing and labeling approximately 120 recorders for use by the 4th graders.
3) Cleaning one room/area of the house each day: Vanity/Bathroom, Living Room, Kitchen, Bedroom. I think I'll start that one....tomorrow
4) scanning pictures?
5) organizing the under-the-stairs storage area. Where IS my box of kitchen stuff?
6) New Year's party anyone?
7) Wedding Receptions...Why does everyone have to get married on the same 2 days - 27th and 28th? Ridiculous.
8) FINALLY finish putting up pictures on my walls. They've been bare for TOO long!

I'm sure there's more, but that's all I can think of for now.

December 16th Notes

Last night we had our Ward Talent Show. I performed my traditional "Home Teacher Song" that my brother wrote. Everyone seemed to enjoy it greatly. They thought I was professing my undying love for this guy in the ward (The Elder's Quorum President, who is also my home teacher) but then they realized that it was about my home teacher, not some guy I'm in love with. It was great!

During Ward Prayer, I realized I had left a paper in my apartment. Mitchell offered me a piece, but I told him that it had a list on it that I needed. SO - He decided to start writing his own list of all the things I was saying as I was talking about this list. I told him it didn't matter, that I'd get it later because I thought I left it on the couch. When I went to look for it, I found it on the floor and then I told Mitchell he was a nerd :) Fun, huh?

Talent Show

Tonight was the talent show and it was a HUGE success! There were some really awesome acts. I had a blast singing my songs. I performed with the Russian speakers. It was scary though, beacuse they all spent 2 years of their lives IN Russian speaking countries. I've only taken 12 months worth of lessons, spread out over a period of 16 months (Had a 4 month break in the middle there). Also...The really cute guy I talked about before was SUPER late. We had moved up our number because one of our guys needed to leave, but we couldn't do it then because this guy hadn't shown up yet. Ends up, there was $100 missing at his job and he had to stay until it was found. Ugh! The other guy was NOT happy, but we did it and it was fun. I also got to sing my brother's "Home Teacher Song". It was hit! I dedicated it to my home teacher, but no one knew what the song was about before I started. The beginning of the song sounds like I'm about to profess my undying love for this guy and everyone had looks on their faces like, "what is this girl doing? She's going to embarrass herself so much!" But in the end, they all figured it out and it was really funny.
Now I'm bored out of my mind. It's only 10ish on a Saturday night. I want to go play, but my roommates are all off doing things (Not that I usually do anything with them anyway), and I don't know who else to get to do stuff. Maybe I'll go see what Boy is up to. Hmmm...Well...I'm off :)

Russian!

I wasn't going to stay at church today because I was feeling out of place there. But I'm glad I did because after church, I ran into a group - two guys and a girl - talking about singing in Russian. They were discussing performing a song at our ward talent show coming this Saturday. I got in on the conversation, and now there is a group of 5 of us singing "What Child Is This?" in Russian. It's really awesome. There is one of the guys that I've never really talked to before, but he's a totally great guy and I'm sad that I didn't get to know him sooner. He's good looking, too, which never hurts. Only strike against him thus far (and this is only recent, given the current circumstances) - He drives a (very nice) BMW. Oh well :)

I realized I haven't said much about Boy lately. There's a good reason for it, I suppose, and that is that he's not interested. It's good being friends, and I guess I'll have to get used to that.

Church was hard today. Alan's roommate Joshua sat in the row in front of me and it sucked. Just knowing that Alan should have been there and that he wasn't made my heart break all over again. I was completely oblivious to most of the events of church today because that's all I could think about. Both my Bishop and the 1st Counselor in the Bishopric came and talked to me between meetings and after church. They have been so great about it all. They had noticed my friendship with Alan and were worried for me when I was gone from church last week. They found out I was in Idaho and didn't worry about it too much, but they are definitely concerned. Bishop told me repeatedly, "If you need someone to talk to, you know we're here. Any time of day, just let me know." He is amazing.

I had tithing settlement today and it was almost embarrassing to say that I have not been a full tithe payer this year. I know how blessed I will be if I pay my tithing, but when bills add up to one amount, and the paycheck is less than that amount, it's hard to remember that tithing comes first. It WILL be my priority from now on, however. Tithing, rent, everything else. That's the order. I need those blessings, and I need a place to live. I figured I HAVEN'T paid about 700 dollars worth of tithing this year. That's an entire month's paycheck. I feel awful. Bishop was very understanding and just gave me some words of encouragement to help me along the way. It will all work out. I'm sure of it.

December 2nd and December 9th

FHE stands for Family Home Evening. It is a church program and the way it works in student wards, is we're assigned groups. Alison is in my group and just a total sweetheart and a pretty great FHE "sister" herself!

Isaac is a guy in my ward that I always end up running into in the parking lot on my way to work while he was leaving for school. This happened twice and I gave him a ride so he wouldn't have to walk. Well, this week he actually came over and asked for a ride. I also took him to pick up his car from a shop last week. He's a good kid, and he speaks Russian, so I'm all for it!

So exhausted

It has been an exhausting week. So much has happened and I just haven't had the energy or motivation to blog this week about any of it.
My last day in Rexburg was great. I was able to visit my Russian professors for a few minutes, although my music professors weren't around. Oh well. Then I went back to Rachael's apartment, packed up my stuff, and headed out. I stopped to get food at a little pizza and sub shop called Papa Kelsey's (Although I got fries and cheese bread, not pizza OR subs), and mozarella sticks and a lemon berry cream slush at Sonic. THEN - I realized I hadn't filled up my gas tank OR my water bottle, so I stopped and filled my tank, then headed to my sister's house to fill up my water bottle (It was on the way out of town). I ended up spending about 1 1/2 hours there. Yikes! We got to chatting and she wanted me to check out all her Mary Kay stuff (She just became a consultant again a little while ago). OH! When I first got there, she gave me an early Christmas present - A gift certificate that said "no more payments". MY CAR IS PAID FOR! IT'S MINE! I was shocked and SO excited! That's $400 that I don't have to pay now. YAY!
I got our of Rexburg at 2:30 and was stressing about getting back to Provo in time for the ward party. It's normally a 4 1/2 hour trip, but it had been snowing all morning. BUT - by the time I left, amazingly enough, all the roads were clear. I made it in EXACTLY 4 1/2 hours, pulling up to my apartment at 7pm, 1/2 an hour before the ward party.
I enjoyed the ward party. We had multicultural foods and it was a good little social hour. Josh, Alan's roommate was there, and I hadn't talked to him since I heard about Alan. I spent a few minutes talking to him, and surprisingly enough, it was a good, comfortable conversation. We didn't really talk about Alan, but I was okay with that. I was doing really well not dwelling on it all weekend, and I still wasn't really thinking about it when I talked to Josh. Then, the 1st counselor in the Bishopric came up and asked me how I was doing. THAT'S when it hit me. I realized that I'm REALLY not doing well. I had put it aside all weekend because of everything else I was doing, but in reality, I needed to be dealing with it and I hadn't been. We chatted for a few minutes about things. Funny thing is, that he thought (because of something I said) that I was dating Alan. DEFINITELY not, but kinda funny. I spent the rest of the evening thinking about nothing BUT Alan. I started writing his family a letter, too. It's hard to find the words to say that you hope will bring comfort to a family who has lost a family member in such a tragic way.
Tuesday was definitely the low point of the week. I went to work at BMW and when I got there, Sophia asked me to go with her to Craig's office. I got this sinking feeling, which was confirmed almost immediately. I was being fired. It sucked and the reasons were ridiculous in my opinion and the opinion of everyone else who works there that knew what was going on. I grabbed my bag, said bye to the cashier, Tisha (one of my favorite people there) and left. I was met around the corner by Lori (another of my favorite people there) and we talked for awhile. Well...I blubbered and she talked :) I was a wreck. I bawled all the way home and that brought up all the thoughts of Alan and how he wasn't there for me to talk to about what was going on with getting fired. He's the kind of guy I would have taken that stuff to. Now...who?
I had to go back there on Wednesday to pick up my paycheck (it was pay day AND I had just been fired so...they had to pay me) and Sophia didn't really say anything to me, nor did I say anything to her. She handed me the check, and I went back to talk to Tisha and Lori. I couldn't get in trouble anymore, so I was living it up! We're going to have lunch sometime over Christmas break.
Now I need to find a new job, but I've just been so down this week that I've really been completely unmotivated to do it.
Today I felt like I was pulling my own teeth to get anything done. I didn't want to teach, I didn't want to be out of my apartment. NOW - I'm supposed to be cleaning but I clean for 5 hours without any real breaks, so I'm done for now. I still have to finish one cupboard (2 more shelves and a door), all the drawers (8), the floors, the sinks, the countertops, and I think I'm going to pull the stove and fridge out so I can get all the nastiness out from under and behind them. YUCK! THEN - I get to go work on my room. Yay. Luckily, all that really needs to be done in there is the windowsill and vacuuming the floor, since I don't have to empty out any drawers or closests. Thank goodness for not moving.
Speaking of moving, I want to move so bad. I want to get away from the memories of Alan. I don't want everyone and everything to hold some memory of him. I want to get away from my roommates who treat me like dirt. They're having a birthday party tonight and they were supposed to have it at our apartment. Well, I was cleaning, but had planned on stopping for the party. Instead though, they moved the party to a different apartment so I "can keep cleaning." And how does that make me feel? Unwelcome. They were acting all put out that I was cleaning, yet if I DIDN'T clean, they'd get mad at me for things being dirty. Where's my break? We have clean checks tomorrow, and I want our apartment to actually look good, and I don't want to get up early in order to do it. I've taken all the doors off the cupboards (easier than it sounds) and cleaned them because they were disgusting and I think that's what has taken the majority of my time.
I'm just so exhausted. My back hurts, my fingers are wrinkled, my eye has been twitching for 3 days (no joke), most likely from lack of sleep, and I hurt inside. I want to cry so badly but the tears just won't come. When will it all end? When will I feel normal again? When will I be able to live my life the way I should and the way I want to? When?

Last night in Rexburg

Today was a crazy day. Church was at 1:30 and it was pretty intense. There was a girl in the ward I attended that got hit by a car on Monday night and she passed away this morning. Testimony meeting today was extended to 2 hours, through the Sunday School block. It lasted 2 1/2 hours and the Bishopric decided to end church there. Wow! It was a very powerful meeting and I think it's really what I needed to hear. I understand that this situation was completely different than that of the one in my own ward today, with the news of Alan's suicide being announced (although I don't believe it was announced as a suicide, but that he "passed away". A lot more sensitive for sure), but I feel that I was able to connect with the members of the BYU-Idaho 23rd ward. I also felt so comforted although I am still very confused. There are a lot of things I don't understand about suicide and especially about Church doctrine on suicide. I mean, there was a lot of talk about this girl Chera and how she's been doing all the right things in her life and she is truly in a better place and things like that. But I don't know how true that is for Alan. I want to study about it to gain some perspective on it and maybe feel a little more at peace. I know what he did is wrong, but I want to know what is going to happen to him in the next life. He was a member of the church his entire life. He's been endowed in the temple. He served a mission. There are so many covenants he has made that I don't know what type of judgement will be made. Will there be repentance for him in the next life? Will he be okay? There are a lot of questions and I'm seeking answers.
Anyhow...After church, I visited with friends and then came "home" to Rachael's apartment. We had dinner, and then I went to the 1st Presidency Christmas Devotional with my friend Jared. I dropped him off afterward and went to visit my friend Rick (who lives in the same complex as Jared). He was on his way to look at an apartment he might be buying a contract for and he invited me to go with him. Ends up, the guy he'd be buying the contract from is one of my friends from EFY. Crazy! We ended up chatting there for quite sometime and it was good to catch up with Brett.
I took Rick home and chatted with him awhile, but I really needed to get going because I wanted to go visit Joe, who was my best friend for the last 3 years of college. He got married in July and my contact with him has been very limited. He finally told me that he'd have time today after the devotional if I wanted to come visit. So - I left Rick's and went to Joe's. I met his wife for the first time and we hit it off instantly. Oh my! It was great. I got there at 8:30ish. When did I leave? Definitely 11:30. Wow! I was surprised that it had been that long. His wife Jessica was great. I was worried about meeting her because I didn't know much about her and Joe is very dear to me. But - she was amazing and I'm even happier for him than I was before!
Now I'm back at the old apartment and needing to go to bed, but not getting there. Ugh! I have so much to do tomorrow before I head out of town! I'm visiting my Russian professors and perhaps my music professors as well and then I'm going to try to make it back to Provo for our big ward FHE Multicultural Christmas party thing. Good night!

I'm HERE!

I got to Rexburg safe and sound around 9:30 this evening. It was a long trip and I didn't get out of Provo until 5, but I'm okay with that. I'm here, and I've already seen at least 5 people I know! I stopped by the Snow Building (the music department) and ran into some people there, and then a few people in my old apartment complex. Whahoo! It's great to be back!

Heading out

I'm heading out of town in the next 30 minutes (hopefully) to go to REXBURG! I'm so stoked! I need to go visit my niece and my friends.
Sad news from yesterday that I'll expound on later, but one of my friends, the one I spoke of earlier this month about having problems and not being able to help him, took his own life on Wednesday night/Thursday morning. I don't know details, but it makes the need to see my niece that much more intense. Wish me luck on the roads!

Binge and Purge

Now, before you get the wrong idea, this post has absolutely nothing to do with food (at least, not directly).
Today after work, I made a decision to do something I've been avoiding like the plague for quite some time now. For once, I did not sit on the couch all afternoon and evening, but I spent the majority of it (thus far) in my room - a place that, once again, I avoid like the plague. Usually, my not-so-social roommate is in there either sleeping (yes - at 7:45pm), playing video games, or talking to her fiancee. Blech! Tonight, however, she is nowhere to be found, which has left me with a precious few hours to spend in there.
I have this nasty little binging habit that happens at least once a summer, and usually during most of the other seasons as well. However - for every binge, there must be an equal and opposite purge.
Just a few days ago, I received a package as part of this binging problem. The package contained four items. That's it, just four. But those four little items caused me to realize, it was time to purge.
I went to my room, looked at my closet, and said to myself, "What haven't I worn lately? What can I get rid of? Do these things REALLY fit me anymore, or will they fit me anytime soon?" As a result, my closet is now down 1 1/2 brown grocery sacks worth of shoes and clothes! I was able to rearrange my closet and now I have a TON of space! My shoe holder now has only ONE pair of shoes per slot (Instead of two as some of them had) and I actually have more slots than pairs of shoes now! YAY!
So, I suggest to each of you - go...binge. It's a woman's right. But the purge must follow! Plus...how else am I going to make room for those two new pairs of shoes I plan on buying myself for Christmas?

Better get started

Well, my birthday is just barely over 2 months from now. I need to come up with 366 DIFFERENT people before then. Here's a start:

[editors note: I have removed all names for their privacy]

38+56+28 = 112
I'm about 1/3 of the way there.

Summer Semester 2007 #2: Girls

For a lot of the summer, I was alone in my apartment because my roommates were at their summer program they worked at or they were out of town. One of the neighbors offered a place to sleep if I ever got scared.

Although we had never hung out much before, I spent some time with Natalie (the Relief Society President) and some guys in our ward. We watched scary movies and played a lot.

Mid-summer, I was asked to give a talk in church - Something I hadn't done for 5 years (Since my senior year of high school). I guess people liked it.

We had a Relief Society Cabin Retreat at the end of the summer. Right before that though, I went to Red Robin and a movie with friends for someone's birthday (we did that quite often, actually). I also made dinner for friends once in awhile.

Every week in Relief Society we had a spotlight. Michelle was in charge of them and she came earlier that week to ask me a bunch of questions about myself.

There were quite a few weeks in the summer that our pianist wasn't there, and I was the music coordinator, so I ended up playing for Relief Society.

A bunch of ward members got together and went to a BYU vs. UVSC baseball games. It was cheap, so why not?

My neighbor Laura was appalled to find out that I refuse to watch the 6 hour version of "Pride and Prejudice". But she decided we can still get along.

Lecia is one of the greatest girls ever. I'm sad she's going to be getting married in a few weeks. We had a lot of fun hanging out, although we usually didn't get much done :)

I guess I was being used for my baking skills. We never did end up doing anything. Oh well. We ended up roommates, so that's good enough I suppose.

Ugh! A guy in my ward decided to set me up on a blind date, and it was someone in the ward. That someone ended up being the only guy in the entire ward that I was truly uncomfortable being around. It was really awkward. Christa figured she could do better.

Neighbors with an open-door policy...what more is there to say?

Again, just a couple of those feel good notes :)

Summer Semester 2007 #1: Roommates

It was nice to move into a new apartment. I had two roommates: Nanette and Margrethe, and another roommate for a week: Emily. They were great girls and I was so happy to be moving in with girls I got along with already.
I was working at summer camp and my roommates were working at a summer program as well. As a result, none of us were home very often. I saw Margrethe more than Nanette, but we still didn't see each other much.

I got sick at camp with bronchitis, and then a few weeks later, I ended up having a serious asthma attack in the middle of the night (2am) while my roommates were gone. It was really scary, and they came home to help me out. They were great roommates!

Winter Semester 2007 #2: Everyone else

Stephanie was one the greatest visiting teaching partners I've ever had. She also became one of the best friends I've ever had.

There were some guys in my ward (The same that played Nertz with us each Sunday) who are from a nearby town. For two weekends in a row, we went to their town and went sledding. It was SUCH a blast! The first time there were just a few people there, but the second time it seemed like half the ward was there. It was nice to have great friends to spend time with.

So, my roommates met this guy in our ward at the beginning of the semester who served a mission in Russia and had also been a music major before he transferred universities. They thought it would be a great idea to set us up, so they did. On the date, we had a conversation about our favorite Russian words. His was this one "облокачиватся". Mine was "ужас" (terrible or horrible). It was the perfect word to describe our date.

My FHE sister Stacey was so great. She really helped me get into the show "24" and it was the topic of almost every sunshine note we've ever written to each other, even when it was supposed to be about something.

Margrethe and Nanette were girls I played Ultimate with. One time I was playing, I got really sick because I hadn't had the asthma and allergy medication I needed. They later became my roommates for the summer.

These notes from Nanette are about me hanging out with her and moving into her apartment. I had to move out of my apartment because I was going to be the only one there, so I looked at my options, and I asked Nanette and Margrethe if I could move in with them. They accepted.

Notes like these always make me feel like a million dollars. It's nice to be noticed once in awhile. I'm not going to lie.

My next door neighbors had a cat that they kept by their back door and sometimes even let into their apartment. The cat had kittens and one day I met some people who had heard about some free kittens that they were just going to go and take without saying anything to the girls that kept the cat. I went to the front door while these people went to the back door and I let them know what was going on with their kittens. I hate cats, but I felt they needed to know that someone was trying to take them. They saved the kittens, and I ended up with a back doorstep full of cat droppings.

Lorie was one of my favorite girls in the ward and I had the joy of being her visiting teacher. I loved going to visit her and always learned something new from our visits.

Some ward friends went to the Hare Krishna Temple nearby and went to the Festival of Colors. I bought two bags of colors (a powdered substance that was thrown on each other at a certain point in the festival) and I shared them with a bunch of people. It was a blast.

Amy Lynn is a girl that lived in the ward who works at the same school I do. She teaches third grade. She's actually the one that told me about the music job and the reason I got the job. I used to visit her after school and also give her rides home (until she started driving herself instead of carpooling with another third grade teacher in the mornings).

My friend Ben was in the Orem Institute "Latter Day Celebration" choir, and a group of friends from the ward went to see his concert at the end of the semester. It was such a fabulous concert that I went twice!

Another Ben is one of the Nertz-playing boys. He was STARVING at church and I just happened to have candy and granola bars in my bag, so I shared. We're always talking about the Philippines where he served his mission, so he wrote a bi-lingual note.