Archive for November, 2009
Thankfullness
A year ago today, we were cooking up a storm, with eight guests expected. Little did I know it, but my eighth IUI (done on 11/24) was working. I was just a teensy bit pregnant, I had wonderful food in my near future, and I was feeling downright hopeful.
When I count the many things I’m thankful for today, I will count that moment of hopefullness–and even that failed pregnancy–among my blessings.
This year, as I cook one small 30-minute dish and prepare to travel to my mom’s, I have a lot of luxury time to dwell on all the things I have to be thankful for. It feels like I might burst with the thankfullness. (Hmmmm… maybe my feet are actually swollen with thankfullness rather than water weight?)
A few of the things I’m thankful for right now
- The amazing Kiddo
- The hand-turkey cards she mailed to our out-of-town friends and family
- Watching M’s and Kiddo’s faces as they feel Moon5 kick
- The support that you all heaped on me during the bad times and the good. It kept me going, and got me here.
- Chiropractic and pre-natal massage
- This lovely grapefruit-essence sparkling water I discovered yesterday
- The Paula Deen recipe for sweet potato bake I’m about to make. I am so looking forward to the decadence.
- Waking up in the night because the Moon Man is so active
- Knowing that next year will bring another set of amazing firsts
- The hope that we all manage to share with each other, through the horrible and the happy and all points in between
Happy Thanksgiving, all.
Did I Garner the Freak Mark? (Pregnancy post)
Friday morning, I woke up with a headache and swollen feet. Then my ring didn’t want to fit. Even though I’ve only seen minor swelling in the evenings, I told myself that this is normal and went on with my day.
Throughout the morning, the headache got subtly stronger and my feet got uglier. I figured lunch would help. It wasn’t the best choice of lunch (yogurt, apple, cheese, baguette, and some Nutella), and it didn’t help at all.
An hour later, I found myself calling the OB’s office just to make sure that moderate swelling + headache + intermittent blurry vision ≠ something bad. They asked me to take my blood sugar (which was a little bit high at 131… I’ve never seen it over 121), then come in for monitoring.
When I arrived, I discoverd that I had both trace protein and measurable glucose in my urine and I’d gained another pound in just two days. I was getting pretty worried, but calmed down when my blood pressure was normal. At least something was, right?
Luckily, the next step was the non-stress test, which consisted of 20 minutes on the monitors (one for Moon5’s heartbeat, one to measure my contractions). From there on, the news was great… Moon Man managed to hit the minimum requirement for accelerations (two every 20 minutes) in the first five minutes, and I had no contraction activity at all.
Once it was established that nothing dire was happening in the uterine zone,* the nurse took a look at my swelling and said, “Oh, that’s not bad at all… all you need is a day with your feet up, less salt, and lots of water.” She said the headache wasn’t troubling either, suggested more water, and encouraged me to monitor my blood sugar closely over the weekend.
I spent the at-homiest weekend I’ve had in years, doing lots of sitting and drinking water. I managed to both sew and iron from the seated position, and slowly slowly completed the nursery valance and some basket liners. M took Kiddo out for a few excursions, giving me free reign to watch Arrested Development at high volume (I have to crank it up to hear over the sewing machine). The swelling went away, my blood sugars were great, and it was generally obvious that I had worried over nothing.
I fear I’ve garnered the Freak Mark, but to some extent I think that’s okay. I would rather ask them to put my mind at ease (and look like a dork) than ignore symptoms of something bad.
Marking a Milestone
On my old blog (the one that was invite-only and thus quite lonesome), I had set a particular milestone date. My top post was always dated for November 19, 2009.
Today’s my 34th birthday, but that’s not the point of the post. It’s the day I had set for my TTC journey to end. I needed an end point. M needed an end point. My body needed an end point. So I picked one, nearly three years from the “start” of my TTC process (which really started at what… birth?).
As I see it, the journey could have ended in one of these three ways:
1) I would be pregnant with (or already parenting) our second child.
2) I would be mentally and physically done with TTC. I would walk away sad (but with my head high) knowing that I’d done the best that I could with the body I’m in and the finite number (12) of Tree Guy vials I had to work with.
3) I would be technically done with TTC (as I would have neither vials nor M’s agreement to continue treatments), but not the slightest bit “resolved” and likely stuck in a loop of second-guessing and longing to try just once more.
As we say in the Episcopal church (on the rare occasion I attend), “Thanks be to God!” that I am able to mark today in the first category. Today I’m nearly thirty weeks pregnant with a squirming little boy. When I sit back and let that fact hit me, I am overwhelmed and a little tearful. I am so blessed AND I was spared so much pain along the way…
My TTC journey was almost as long as I could endure, yet I am well aware that it could have been longer with more heartbreak involved. I wrestled with sub fertility and came out the victor.
My losses were horrible, yet I am well aware that I was spared the worst. I never had the anguish of seeing a heartbeat, then seeing its absence. I did not have to go through beta hell after finding out all was lost. I did not have to endure surgery or methotrexate or a trip to the ER. I only had to endure mental pain… never the excruciating physical pain that so many have been through.
My relational fallout was ugly, yet I am well aware that I could have lost my partnership altogether. I didn’t lose M, and think we may be stronger for having gone through this, although we’ll deal with the consequences of both our actions/attitudes for quite some time.
My mental health hit its lowest point during the long hiatus and I am well aware that I could have lost my life. Instead, I came out stronger than I was before and I am grateful for that.
I went into TTC feeling very alone. I wasn’t on the same page with M from day one, as she was ambivalent about having a second child (she discovered this after she’d achieved the dream, of course). I was angry at my partner, feeling guilty about complaining (since I was already parenting Kiddo when so many were working towards their first kids), struggling with mental health, and feeling like a weird left-out freak because I wasn’t a fertile overachiever like M. I cross over from TTC to Success After TTC with an incredible sense of support from, well, YOU. If someone had told me three years ago that I would care deeply about others’ journeys and feel genuinely cared about… all online… I would have had trouble believing that. But it’s true. I am so grateful for this group of women.
It’s rather silly and self-indulgent to spend much time speculating on what might have been, should I have reached this milestone in category two or three, but I’m going to let myself follow those paths for just a moment.
It’s unlikely I could have followed path number two. I wanted to be someone who could handle the transition from TTC to post-TTC with grace and dignity. I began to follow (still do) the blogs of those who have chosen the path of living post-TTC. I read about their struggles and the sometimes-painful reminders about their childless-not-by-choice status. I seldom comment on their blogs, as I don’t have much to contribute to the discussion (especially since I went into TTC already a member of the mom club), but I appreciate their honest and smart and sometimes-heartbreaking writing. I wish their paths could have been smoother, but I’m also glad for them that they were able to come out of the journey strong and wise.
If I’m honest with myself, path number three would have been disastrous for me. Lacking the aforementioned grace and dignity, I fear that my mental health issues would have re-emerged, that I would have found it difficult to remain with M (as her “suck it up” attitude does not work for me in times of major grief), and that our family of three would have thus been disrupted. Maybe a Doomsday scenario, but pretty plausible given the depth of grief and disappointment I would have had to face.
I am one lucky Mama right now. Even though my posts of late range from fluffy to nonexistent, I recognize what an incredible thing I’ve been through and what gifts I’ve been given.
Pretending to Still Be Interesting…
but alas and alack, I am not. Thus, I’m going to bullet out a few things I’d like to recall, but give you full permission to click away now. If you’re bored by this post, don’t say you weren’t warned.
- At today’s OB appointment, I managed to locate all of that weight I hadn’t gained last time. It was a little stunning, but I’m still on track for the whole pregnancy.
- Moon Man is measuring right on track and had a beautiful heartbeat as always.
- I am getting more waddly, which makes perfect sense at this point.
- Kiddo is killing us with cuteness lately, including a newfound desire to perform her own brand of break dancing. All. The. Time.
- Kiddo finished her 10-day round of horrible amoxicillin (for strep) today. Glory be. I hated the daily fight over taking medicine.
- As of last week’s H1N1 shot, I’m just nine days away from immunity. That freakin’ rocks.
- Kiddo can read! I may have already reported that she was close, but I’m calling it now. She’s practicing with all of “Baby Brother’s” board books so that she can read to him when he’s born. Although she talks to him all the time, she draws the line at reading to him (because he can’t see the pictures), so she reads his books to me instead.
- M and I are in an interesting phase at the moment. We don’t spend as much time together as we used to when we were carpooling every day, and I notice that we both seem to crave each others’ company. That means she’s staying up past her bedtime to hang out with me, which I like. We’ve got a lot to prepare for, and I’m glad that it feels like we’re on the same page. It’s important to enjoy our last few weeks of easy parenting for awhile.
Guess Who Has an Appointment for That One Shot?
Holy crap, it’s me! I’ve given up on my OB’s office getting adequate supply (I think they’ve received 75 of the 1,000+ total they requested, and squandered those 75 at that). Luckily, our health department published a list of local pharmacies that are accepting appointments, and I got one… it looks to be one of the last in the county.
So relieved to have that appointment in sight!
I am soeffingtired of being afraid of Kiddo and the plethora germs she brings home. Usually I just take her germiness as being par for the parenting course, but being pregnant makes it so very different.
My immune system is notably compromised, as I’ve had two-three colds in two weeks. I AM trying to keep myself healthy with the gargling and drinking of hot liquids, but it’s hard to gauge how much sicker I would be without those methods. (Let’s see… in the last two weeks I haven’t contracted Kiddo’s unexplained-fever-illness nor strep throat. Okay, so those are actually big wins. Hooray for the gargle!)
The outside world keeps throwing words like ‘die’ at me in reference to getting That One Flu in your third trimester. Which is rather irritating when the same agencies who are urging me to get the vaccine cannot provide an ETA for said vaccine yet all of the literature they share begins with “Get your vaccine as soon as it is available.” I love me some circular logic!
Since I’ve been pretty whiny about all of this illness and virology stuff lately, I shall close by focusing on the wins:
- I actually got an appointment. It’s taken more than six weeks, but I got it.
- In the time I’ve been waiting for said appointment, I haven’t contracted That One Flu. With a kindergartner, that is stunning. Truly, a huge hooray for HER immune system, as she isn’t able to get the vaccine yet either.
- Having that backup course of Tamiflu in my purse has saved my sanity, even though I hope that none of us needs to use it.
- I clearly have little else to whine about. I am so so lucky that this pregnancy is going well and Moon5 is being a cooperative little one, growing and thriving and such.
Soapbox: Cord Blood Donation
I work for a national cancer charity and know many survivors who are with us today due to marrow and stem cell transplantation. Luckily, I’m delivering at a hospital that participates in the national cord blood donation program in conjunction with our regional blood and tissue center. After I completed a long questionnaire and telephone follow-up (they needed to make sure that the sperm bank was nationally accredited and had some questions about my dad’s Parkinson’s), Moon5 and I are cleared to donate.
If you have the opportunity to join the national bone marrow registry, donate blood at your local bank, or donate cord blood at delivery, I urge you to do it. In the course of 10 years at my job, I’ve seen great stories of survival, and I’ve known people who died without finding their match.
Climbing down from soapbox now…
And just when you thought I couldn’t get any more exciting…
Another illness has hit our home, but PTL it’s got a name, it’s got a treatment, and it’s not particularly dangerous to Moon5 even if I get it. It’s…. Streptococcal pharyngitis!
Poor Kiddo. I had just taken her to see Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs (sweet, but I liked the book much much better) when she started complaining about a headache. When she says headache, we always know that fever is about 10 minutes away. By the time we got home, the fever was starting to ramp up. This one started high and stayed high (except for the brief Tylenol respite) for 30 hours. We got her in for a culture as soon as they opened this morning.
Poor sweet girl. She gets to spend two days with my mom eating her own weight in ice cream and popsicles (provided she takes the yucky medicine) and she should be feeling like herself quite soon.
*****
In other news, Moon5’s nursery is coming along quite well. All the furniture is put together, the items we hoped to borrow have been secured (swing, bouncer, and hopefully a basinet), his clothing cupboard is nearly full, and the bookshelf is fully stocked. Now it’s all about my favorite part, making it cute.
Instead of sewing every stitch of bedding (like I did for Kiddo), I’m doing more of a semi-homemade technique. It’s based around this crib set, which was a steal from Target and is really cute. I wanted to take the theme a little further around the room, so I’ve disassembled the diaper-stacker and used the fabric to make patches for a valance, a bookcase-runner and to accent a set of basket liners I’m making in a similar striped fabric.
When I made Kiddo’s set, I used batik fabrics to make a wild collection of under-the-sea themed appliqués and used them on her bumpers, crib skirt, wall-hangings and clothes. I took a 10-day staycation and just crafted (whilst watching Ellen), painted, and hung out. It was great. Anticipating Kiddo’s arrival was the second most exciting time in our lives thus far, and I look back to that time very fondly.
This time round, M asked me to think about mixing pre-made items with crafting, recognizing that I have much less free time and I tucker out easily. Bless her for suggesting it, and bless me for agreeing. This is working out much better, because I can work on accents to my heart’s content, but I can also bail on anything I need/want to, as the basics are already handled. When I finally finish, I’ll post pictures of his cute (and teensy) nursery.
*****
Last week I found out that my health insurance will change on January 1. What perfect timing… I’ve always recommend that someone switch from their excellent coverage of 10 years during their 36th week of pregnancy, and now I’m following my own advice. Blurgh.
Prepared for a fight, I called the new company today and made sure that they cover my providers and my delivering hospital. Yes and yes. Plus, there is no deductible or copay for my hospital stay at delivery. (I had planned on at least $250, so free is fanfreakintastic.)
It remains to be seen whether they’ll cover extras like chiropractic and massage, but it’s looking much better than I thought. I expected to find out that the new “comparable” plan was really stripped-down and basic. I was so spoiled with my previous provider, and really have them to thank for Moon5’s existence. Pretty sure we couldn’t have done 10 medicated IUIs out of pocket, and injectables would have been completely out of the question.
*****
There you have it folks, mucho boringness in three parts. But with kicky stars in between.
Quick 27-week OB Appointment Update
I haven’t really posted about weight gain, mostly because it’s not that interesting, and least not when I read about others’ gain. But this time I’m a bit puffed up with pride (and/or confusion but let’s call it pride for simplicity’s sake). Somehow, in the month that I allowed myself to go a little nuts with Halloween candy, I only gained half a pound, making just 13 total for the pregnancy.
Everything else is measuring right on track and his heartbeat was as beautiful as ever. I’ll have bi-weekly appointments through 36 weeks, then bump it up to weekly until Moon5 lands. Wow. I am super giddy right now. I’m so proud of this pregnancy and this little guy.
The Storm Seems to Have Passed
Kiddo is recovered from whatever* she had and hasn’t had a fever since Friday. M is coughing like crazy but hasn’t had much of a fever (never went above 100.7). I felt that terrible I’m-getting-sick-is-it-just-a-cold-or-what feeling on Friday, but have felt lovely ever since Saturday morning. I never needed to use the Tamiflu, so I still have that just-in-case dose, should I have another exposure before my OB’s office can offer the vaccine again.
It appears that the storm has passed us by, leaving little damage in its wake.
Except… it exposed a few cracks in our current family setup:
- Our new schedules (built around being the before-and-after school caretakers) make it a little more challenging to take time off with a sick Kiddo, leaving us both feeling put-upon and stressed out.
- Until I’ve got That Dumb Vaccine in my system, I am fearful of Kiddo’s five-year-old germiness, and she caught on to that, saying “Mama, don’t touch my spoon! Brother will get sick if you touch it.” So sad. I wish I could have a do-over on my response to this not-actually-a-crisis.
- M and I were both pretty testy (with each other and Kiddo) throughout the weekend. It seems our reserves of patience and kindness were depleted.
- Kiddo got a terrible case of cabin fever and acted out in ways we haven’t seen since she was much younger. Lots of naughtiness and non-cooperation and a weird propensity for calamities. (Just last night, she got out of control with a cart at the grocery store, ending up with a double nosebleed and a double parental-freakout. It was not our finest hour.)
Talking about it this morning, M and I decided that we need to work on being kinder and gentler to each other in times of stress. Even though we got very lucky this time and nobody was truly in harm’s way, we reacted as though the worst was upon us, and thus brought out the worst in ourselves. Blurgh.
* I’m pretty sure it wasn’t That One Flu. Her fever was high enough, but it was just too cooperative (going down with the first dose of Tylenol and giving her long stretches of respite during the mornings and afternoons) to be a flu fever. We had her tested for strep in the midst of this, and that was negative, so we’re going to have to call it a mystery.
Project Kjetil 
