Inspiration

For a while now, longer than I care to admit, I have been feeling like I need to write again.  I am not sure what I am supposed to write about, or how often, or where.  I have just had little stirrings, whisperings to my mind and heart, that I need to document this time of my life.  It started months ago.  Months.  So kids, if and when you someday read this, do not put off promptings for months. So here we are.  I will not even attempt to catch up on all that has happened over the last year.  Jace is now 9, Braxton is 7, Ashlyn is 5 and Brielle is 2.  Tim and I are in our early 30's.  It is weird to even type that.  You never think it will happen as a kid, but time is passing in the blink of an eye. 

I will start out slow.  Just a story I want to remember that happened earlier today.  We have 9am church and there is always a mad rush in the morning, usually involving some raised voices and tears, to get ready and out the door.  Today was no different.  We live about a half a mile from our church building but always drive because we cross a semi-busy road, and we are always late.  Today before we even left, Braxton asked me to walk home from church with him.  I said "sure bud, let's just hurry and get in the car."  He persisted and I used it as a wonderful reverence tool during sacrament meeting (as in, you call your sister a name one more time and I will NOT walk home from church with you).  After sacrament meeting was over, he made plans to meet me outside my primary classroom so we could walk home.  I said "great!", but secretly hoped he would forget and/or be too tired to walk home since I was wearing 4 inch wedge heals and was about to spend the next two hours wrangling/teaching lots of four year olds in primary. 

As soon as I opened my classroom door though, there was Braxton, ready to start our walk home!  We walked the rest of the family out to the car, and I asked if anyone else would like to join us but got no takers.  So as Tim and the rest of the kids drove off in the car, Braxton and I started our walk.

He slipped his little hand in mine and as we walked, we talked.  We talked about the life cycle of caterpillars and tadpoles.  How as they grow they change into completely different animals.  We talked about how weird it would be if humans laid eggs instead of having babies in our tummies. (We just skimmed the surface of that topic, thankfully).  We laughed together as we imagined what it would have been like if he hatched out of an egg.  We talked about where I grew up.  I told him how I used to live next to Alligator Lake and what Florida was like.  We discussed the various ways we could hunt alligators.  I told him a story about when I was in high school and came home to get a snack before track practice to find a snake on our living room floor.  We walked slowly, but before I knew it, we were rounding the corner to our house.  Still holding hands.  I squeezed his little hand and before we went in, he looked at me and said "lets walk home together every week mom"  I think I will take him up on that. 

Ladybug

Ashlyn grew up more than any of our other kids this past year.  At the beginning of the year, she was still in diapers, had just moved out of her crib, and was still being carried around by me most places.  By the time the year finished, she was in preschool, potty trained, had played a season of soccer, and had just had her first dance recital.  Big girl things.  She is sassy or sweet.  (Usually not both at the same time)  You never know what you are going to get.  Her mood can change with the minute and sometimes I think, if this is what three looks like with Ashlyn, what the heck will thirteen look like?!The other day she informed me that she COULD NOT wait to be twelve.  Why twelve? I asked.  Because apparently twelve is when she will be able to shave her legs and she can't wait.  Do you know any other three year olds who are excited to shave their legs?  Yeah, me neither.  I tried to take away some of the anticipation build up of the next nine years by informing her that shaving wasn't actually that great, it was actually kind of a pain.  She didn't believe me.  How can we already be there?  (Both leg shaving excitement and not believing everything I say as absolute truth).  She is so much fun though, and loves to play anything that involves getting married or going on a date.  Both with Braxton, though he is usually an unwilling participant and she plays more around him than actually with him.  I am never a good substitute for a boy, even though I offer my best manly impression.  I love having a daughter.  And having one that I see so much of myself in is equal parts exciting and terrifying.  I love her.  Even when she leaves a red crayon in her pocket and it gets all over everything in the dryer.  Like she did last week.  Good thing she is only three.  No matter how much she wishes she was twelve.  Here are a few pictures of what Ashlyn was up to in 2011.

Ashlyn and her daddy getting ready to ride the 4 wheeler on the 4th of July.  I asked her if I could take her for a ride and she said I drove too slow.  What can I say...I think you can have fun while being ultra super safe too!

For Ashlyn's third birthday we were at Disneyland.  It was a fun trip that will get its own post one day.  Some of our best family memories.  On Ashlyn's birthday I took her to Ariel's Grotto for lunch to meet the princesses.  She loved it.  The food was great and it was so nice to have the princesses come to our table to visit rather than wait in line to see them.  Ashlyn hugged them and was happy to pose for lots of pictures.  She still asks to go back.  This time she wants to take Brielle and she wants to have another giant carrot.  (Of all the yummy food, she remembers the carrot)

The cake Ariel made her at her birthday lunch...we were so full by this point we took it to the boys.  That is saying something because if you know Ashlyn you know she does not pass up chocolate anything unless she has no more room for it!

My cute girl around Halloween.  She has grown up so much this year.  It is fun, yet heartbreaking, yet messy, yet dramatic.  Girls are multi-faceted and complicated.

Face paint at the corn maze.  She picked Hello Kitty.  She is all girly, all the time.  But what to you expect from someone who's favorite thing to play is "getting married" or "going on a date".

She did play soccer this past fall.  Her favorite parts of every game were holding hands with her friends while they ran on the field, playing ring around the rosy with friends during the game...on the field, or running off the field and climbing the fence...also during the game. 

Dance classes were more successful.  She had her first recital in December and was an elf.  Before the recital I gave her 50/50 odds of just standing there durnig the whole song and/or crying.  She surprised me though and performed her whole little tap routine!  It was so cute.  Her favorite part was getting flowers from her dad and brothers at the end.  She now wants flowers for everything she does.  But so do I, so we have that in common.

Summer fun with her favorite people.  Mine too.  Another thing we have in common.

It's True

It's true...my baby is one!  This year has flown by and when I said that I was going into hibernation I didn't intend for it to be quite so long.  2011 was the year of me trying to find some balance.  Balance between being a good mom, wife, friend, sister, and keeping up with cleaning our house, making sure everyone had clean things to wear, trying to get back in shape from having a baby, feeding everyone, and all the other stuff that fills our lives up.  As the year ended, I wasn't sure how I did.  I am still trying to figure it out, but I have felt compelled lately, or prompted, that I need to do better about keeping a record of what is going on around here.  Something my kids can look back on, something that I can look back on, to see our progress as a family.  (Tim too... though he is usually not as sentimental about reflection).  The other day Braxton asked me a question about something he did as a baby, and I couldn't answer him because I could just not remember.  I want to remember stuff so I figured I better start writing it down again.  I really do want to make that book someday, but I better have something to put in it.    

Brielle at One:  18 lbs., loves to play peek-a-boo, wobbly walking, says hi, loves to climb on things.

                          Loved by brothers and sister (and mom and dad), can't remember life without her.

 

The other day Brielle was throwing a little tantrum because I wouldn't let her play in the toilet.  (Another favorite pastime...so gross Brielle)  Braxton was watching:

 

Braxton:  What is Brielle doing?

 

Me:  Throwing a tantrum...where do you think she learned that?  (Trying to get him to realize she learns things from them.)

 

Braxton: From Satan

 

Me: (Caught of guard and stammering)  Umm...yeah, Satan, I guess...maybe?  (He was gone before I could figure out how to respond properly.  I didn't want to say "Yeah, Satan or you" and compare him to Satan...)

 

Then on Sunday Braxton and Ashlyn were sitting on stools right in front of the oven watching a pan of brownies bake that they helped make.  They could see their reflections in the glass of the oven door.

 

Braxton:  Look Ashlyn, if you look right in here (pointing at the glass and his reflection) you can see my spirit.  This is my body (touching his arms and face) but that is my spirit.  Look, you can see your spirit too. 

 

Ashlyn:  Okay, my spirit has pretty hair like me.

 

Tim and I were laughing and didn't even correct him because it was so cute and funny.  He will figure it out one day.  (Braxton if you are reading this and you still think you can see your spirit in the oven door, you can't.  Come ask me and I will explain)

 

Who knew Brax had such a spiritual side AND who knew that he was ever listening in FHE or Primary?  It gives me hope that something is sinking in.  Even if it is not always exactly correct, at least some of the basic concepts are getting through. : )

 

More proof my kids listen and remember things I tell them...

 

The other night I was giving Ashlyn a bath.  She looks up at me and says "Mom you wear me out, but I love you".  I looked at her and laughed.  I could tell she didn't know what it meant or she would never have said it.  In my head I was thinking "Really, Ashlyn?  Really?  I wear you out? "  It is something I have said to her more than once and apparently she thinks it is some sort of term of endearment.  I didn't want to tell her what I really meant by it but let me be clear here.  I meant what I said.   Ash...you wear me out.  Literally.  But I do love you.

 

Jace is playing Jr. Jazz again and loves it.  He gets pretty into the games and is learning more of the fundamentals of the game.  It has been a fun season for him .  At his last game his team was lined up at half court facing the other team waiting for the game to resume.  It was pretty close and his coach was telling him which player from the other team he was covering.  He went and stood right in front of that player, stared him down and did that thing where you take your two fingers and point them at your eyes and then point them at the other person.  Like, "I've got my eye on you".   I can only imagine what that other kid was thinking.  Tim and I looked at each other and busted up laughing.  Then we hoped that no one else saw our son trying to intimidate the other players.

 

I love being a mom.  I love that I can stay home.  I read somewhere the other day "The days are long and the years are short: True for stay-at-home moms and prostitutes."  I can't speak for the prostitutes, but I know that is how it can feel sometimes as a stay-at home mom.  But even through the sometimes monotony of day to day life, it really is amazing to see four little souls grow and learn and experience new things.  And that is why I want to write again.  To help me remember that. 

Hibernation

Hibernation: It's what bears and moms who have just had a baby do in the winter. I have to admit, before I had little Brielle I was nervous about this. I thought, if anything is going to bring on the baby blues it is being stuck in my house all day long, every. single. day. At least until cold, flu, and RSV season is over. But guess what? Staying home all the time is actually kind of great. You get to wear your pajamas all day, every day, and nobody cares. (Another bonus to this is that right now, pajamas are what fit me best) I get to play games with my kids, that I was somehow too busy to play before. I get to read new books on my sweet Nook color I got for Christmas. I get to sing songs for Princess Belle (Ashlyn) to dance too. I get to snuggle my baby and hold her just because I want to.

I thought I would be dying to get out of the house again, but it has been just the opposite. I send Tim out for things we need, opting to stay home in my warm house snuggling my baby. Maybe it is because I am a newly minted over-the-hiller at 30, or maybe because life is busy with four kids (four! I have four kids! What?! I catch myself saying this a few times a week...) but I have appreciated the slower pace to my life that staying home has brought. Or maybe I just appreciate it more because I know it won't last forever and I don't know how many more times we will be doing the newborn thing aound here, like maybe one. At the most. Or maybe I am just developing that phobia of leaving your house. Whatever it is, its nice. One downside of staying in for the last 3 1/2 weeks though, is that when I have left, I swear to you, I have forgotten how to drive. I get in the car and it just feels weird, like I am 16 again. Or maybe I am just tired. I am getting like 4 hours of sleep a night, isn't that enough? Am I rambling? Do you want to see some pictures?

Another thing we do staying home all the time...Ashlyn and I set up photoshoots for Brielle. I am the photographer and she is my assistant. Her main job is picking which bows to put on Brielle. It is fun, here are a few from our last session...

Isn't there something just perfect about babies? I love, love love it.

Their skin is so soft and they just snuggle up in a little ball when you hold them.

And they smell amazing. I love just smelling her breath. Is that weird? You should smell a newborn's breath soon, if you have forgotten what it is like. It is heavenly.

We love her, she is a good little baby. She gets lots of attention, and hugs and kisses and doesn't seem to mind that her sister likes to squeeze her face. She's a keeper.

Oh yeah, I have other kids too. (Believe me, they have not let me forget about them : )

Here are my boys, it is hard to believe they were ever tiny like that. Especially that really big one. They still love their Legos. They are some of the best things ever invented. Jace is standing over me as I type this and wanted me to tell you that those things are Battle Cars. And they shoot lasers out of the headlights.

Ashlyn loves to dress up. When Jace is at school she sometimes convinces Braxton to dress up with her. Her absolute favorite thing to play is that they get married (dance) and then get married some more. (dance again) Braxton only agrees to this on two conditions: 1) If Jace isn't home and 2) If I make him.

If Braxton isn't home, or isn't in the mood to be bribed, I get to be the prince. She has told me several times though that Braxton is better at dancing.

Jace is currently in his first season of Jr. Jazz b-ball. He loves it. He says it is his favorite sport.

Here he is being a good sport and smiling for the camera as his mom yells name. One day soon, I am afraid that will just end in him ignoring me. Hopefully not too soon. Or ever.

Okay, enough for now. My baby wants to eat.

Little One

Our little girl joined us on 1/11/11 at 8:11 am. It was my fastest labor and delivery ever and time has flown by since then. I spend most of my time snuggling (and feeding) her. She is precious and we love her. Her brothers and sister love her too. They always tell her she is in "first place" out of all the babies in the world. We are happy she is here.

Brielle Ann Prusse

7 lbs. 1 oz.

19 inches

Facts

Here are a few fun facts:

-The main water line coming into our house broke last Thursday. It flooded the back part of our basement. Servicemaster has come every day since then.

-We have 13 industrial sized blowers/dehumidifiers going.

-They are loud.

-I am excited for them to leave.

-It could have been a lot worse, thankfully we have a drain in our storage room that saved us from a full basement flood.

-Little boys and clean bathrooms are mutually exclusive.

-Little boys have bad aim. (see above)

-Ashlyn is now in a girly room, in a big girl bed.

-Out of all the kids, she was the oldest when we moved her out of the crib.

-It was overdue.

-She loves her new room.

-So do I. It makes me happy.

-I will post some pictures when we finish the boys' room and the new baby's room too.

-Jace wants to name the new baby Alyssa or Sydney, both girls he is friends with at school.

-We don't know what to name her.

-Any suggestions would be appreciated.

-Can I really only have 53 days left?

-The fourth pregnancy goes much faster than the first.

-I am getting bigger by the minute.

-I don't mind, because so far all looks good, and the little one is growing well.

-Ten years ago this month was our first date and our first kiss. They were separated by only a few days...more than two, less than ten.

-In the winter I usually only wash my hair twice a week. Is that gross? I do usually use dry shampoo one of the other days. My hair just doesn't get that greasy. Or maybe it does and I am just in denial. (That doesn't mean I only shower twice a week. That would really be gross)

-The kids and I did a 5k on Saturday for a great cause. I say "did" instead of "run" because there was no running involved. Only walking. Or I think I might have had the baby right there. Thanks to Jenna and Brennan for walking it with us.

-Fall is my favorite time of the year for baking.

-Potty training is hard. Especially when your daughter is so scared of the potty she shakes with fright every time she uses it.

-I am really excited to see HP7 on Friday. The only tickets I could get were for 10:10pm and I told my friend that we are doubling with I must be getting old because that means I will be out past 1:00, which seems really late to me.

- I am excited to do another half marathon. It is on the calender for June 11, 2011. Tim is running this one with me. I like to tease him that I will beat him, but we both know that isn't true. He is too competitive and would probably run till he died before letting me win. Plus he ran 7 miles cold turkey once with me while I was training for my last race. Who does that? Like 7 miles is no big deal.

-If you want to join us, you should. It will be a good time. Let me know and I will get you the race info. : )

-I am getting really excited for Christmas.

-I have yet to buy one gift.

-I need to get on that.

-At Jace's parent/teacher conference his teacher said he was an exceptional student and always a pleasure to have in class, I love hearing stuff like that. We let him pick somewhere to go to dinner as a reward, and he picked "the apple place" aka Applebees. All the kids loved the spinich and artichoke dip. I was just happy we made it through a sit down restraunt dinner with out any major meltdowns or spills. : )

-Braxton taught himself to do a front flip. Then he taught Jace. Brax has no fear. Unless there is a dog around.

-His big blue eyes melt me, even though I try to be tough on him every once in a while.

-Here are some pictures of the last couple months : )

One of the boys favorite things to do is set the self timer on the camera and capture amazing self-portraits. Like these two.
They were two of about two hundred.

Jace turned 7. He had a friends party, a family party, went to Village Inn for breakfast and went bowling. And he was off-track, so no school. It was pretty much perfect.

Jace was the Dark Knight Batman for Halloween. He corrected anyone who left out the Dark Knight part, which is ironic because he has never see either of the two new Batman movies.

Braxton was Luke Skywalker. He has seen that movie and he was the cutest little Jedi.

Ashlyn was a ladybug. Her favorite thing about the costume was that it came with a ladybug "purse".

We carved pumpkins and cleaning out the inside grossed her out.

Here is our pipe that caused so much drama. After we got the water turned off.

If there is one thing I will do as a mother, so help me, it is teach my boys how to take care of themselves. That includes laundry, cleaning, ironing and cooking! If they end up single, they can survive, if they are married they will be great helps to their wives. Just like their daddy.

Lesson 1 was in cooking. Yesterday Jace made this pumpkin pie with minimal supervision by me. Here it is fresh out of the oven. He was so proud of it. We called in Jace's pumpkin pie and it was really good.

-Seriously, this baby has no name. Any and all suggestions would be great : )

What every kid wants

I decided to forgo the letters to each kid for this next round of birthdays in favor of writing their birth stories. Because what kid doesn't want to be totally grossed out by reliving that moment in time. Nothing says "Happy Birthday and I love you" more than reminding them of the physical pain it took to get them here.

Seven years ago (give or take a week) Jace made his entrance into the world. I pretty much think of my life now as B.K or A.K (before or after kids). That is how much it changed me. My memory isn't always the best, but each one of those days I can remember perfectly...

First a little background. It was six days before my due date. I was dilated to a 3+(I counted it as a 4) and effaced 90%. I had been contracting every five minutes for several days but never hard enough to really get things going. So, my Dr. decided to put me out of my misery and help me along.

The alarm went off at 5:00 am that morning, and my eyes snapped open immediately. I am pretty sure I woke up every 45 minutes the night before, it was one of those times I was terrified I was going to sleep through my alarm. I sat on the edge of my bed for a minute and thought "I can't believe it is finally here, I can't believe that by the end of the day I won't be pregnant anymore and we will get to see little Caleb." (Yes, Jace was originally going to be Caleb, thankfully we changed our minds because that really doesn't fit him.) Then I smiled. I wasn't going to miss it. I felt like an elephant in more ways than one. I was huge, and swollen. I was smooth and rounded everywhere I used to be sharp and bony. I also felt like I had been pregnant for about two years...just like a pachyderm.

I showered and got Tim and my mom up. (She had flown in from Florida two days before and was the calmest one out of our group). I got my small bag, and we all headed out into the dark morning. I could feel my heart race as we made our way to the hospital. Every 4oo feet I reminded Tim to drive faster. I had heard stories of Labor and Delivery being too full to take inductions, and I didn't think me or my heart could handle being sent home. We got there and I waddled in as fast as I could. I can still remember what I wore, and it wasn't awesome. Maternity clothes have improved a lot in the last seven years. (Am I right girls? It was the era of the maternity overall...) The nurse at the desk looked at her list and told me she wasn't sure they had a room left for me. I just stared at her and started to sweat, hoping if I just stood there she would get the picture that I wasn't going anywhere. She left to consult the other nurses, and came back and told me that I was in luck, there was one more space to put me and I followed her down the hallway to check in.

I changed into my gown, set up my space and answered the many questions they needed to know before they could help me give birth. Then my nurse asked me what my pain was on a scale of 1 to 10. I said a 2. Then she asked me at what point I wanted to get an epidural. I said now. I thought, why wait for pain to show up before I try to get rid of it? The anesthesiologist came and was so kind and patient. I sat on the edge of the bed and curled around my pillow as tight as I could, trying to prepare myself for what? I wasn't sure what it would feel like which made me even more nervous. Tim was standing in front of me holding my hands, telling me everything would be okay, that I was doing great...until he got really quiet and I looked up and he was white. Well, kind of white and grey. The nurses and my mom noticed this about the same time I did and rushed him over to the other bed to lie down while they got him cookies and juice. Meanwhile, I got to get a huge needle shot into my back and no one offered me so much as an ice chip. I haven't let him forget that. Just ask him.

After it was in though, the epidural was heavenly. It calmed me down, I relaxed. Tim recovered (he said he didn't see the needle, he just thought about it and it made him light headed), the doctor came in and broke my water, and we were on our way. My mom (an RN) monitored all the machines and beeps and assured me everything was looking great. We even watched a movie (Father of the Bride, my choice...and really if there was ever a time for it to be my choice I am pretty sure it was then), my mom braided my hair to keep it out of my face and we even took little naps.

My nurse came in regularly to check on my progress, which she said was coming along nicely and it was all going pretty great. Until it hit me. I hadn't felt anything below my waist for a while but suddenly I was hit with the intense feeling that I had to get to the bathroom, and NOW. I told my mom and Tim, they had to get me there, carry me, whatever, but I had to go now. As in like now. My mom kept trying to tell me that I was probably just feeling pressure from the baby and she called my nurse in. I was practically in tears, trying to tell anyone and everyone to please take me to the bathroom. The nurse came to check me and seconded my mom, I didn't need to go to the bathroom but I was completely dilated and was feeling pressure from the baby, so it was time to get ready to start pushing. I got excited, thinking it would only be a little while and I would finally get to see my baby boy. It was almost over! My excitement turned to confusion when, after they got the stirrups out and everything set up on the bed, the nurse sent Tim up by my head to hold my hand and count and my mom held my other hand and told me everything was looking great, then the big moment came to push, but the doctor had yet to make an appearance. I remember saying, "Ummm is the doctor here? Should we wait for him?" The nurse looked at me with what I now know was a pity smile, and said I might have to push for a while, and she would make sure the doctor was here in plenty of time.

So we started. I pushed and pushed and pushed. Tim had two jobs. Push the handheld epidural button every 11 minutes because I was not about to have it start to wear off during what I was sure was the most painful part, and count to ten every time I pushed. After two hours of pushing, I was sweaty, my arms were shaking from the muscle strain, and I gave Tim a look that said, "for the love of all that is holy, start counting faster or I will lose it." Thankfully Tim could read my mind and tried to subtly speed up the counting. After a few times the nurse noticed and told him to slow it back down. She is lucky that I had no use of my legs or I would have kicked her.

After another forty-five minutes of me pushing, and my mom and Tim telling me how great I was doing, but no baby, I was about to quit and resign myself to the fact that my baby would just have to grow up inside of me, when in walked the doctor. Then I knew we were in business...finally. For real. Another ten minutes of pushing and, all of a sudden, he was here. I was looking at him for the first time. My little boy, who I loved so much already, was there, pink, and crying. And I was crying, because I couldn't believe he was mine. Ours. Tim was holding my hand and kissing my cheek and looked close to tears too. And it was beautiful, and spiritual and wonderful welcoming him to his life on earth. And it changed me. Permanently and deeply.

I read somewhere the other day (sorry i can't remember where to give proper credit), that as a mother the love you feel for your child is so intense it can be uncomfortable. As I have watched my little Jace grow and learn and experience things, good and bad, over the last seven years, I can tell you how true that is. Amen. It is uncomfortable, because you love them so much you want to protect them from everything, but you know you have to let them learn and experience things, and grow. And it can be hard, and painful. But for as many uncomfortable moments as there are, there are more sweet moments. So sweet that just thinking about them now pulls on my heartstrings and bring tears to my eyes. Jacer-boo, Happy 7th Birthday. I love you, be-bop.