So this post, I confess, is little about DD (it will come up, I'm sure, mainly because it's so much of who I am now), but more about being a woman and raising one.
Just for some background, Sean loves me to be girly. I have hair past my shoulders, and have had it, since the first year we were married. He thinks long hair is beautiful and feminine, and even before TTWD, I submitted to his request to keep my hair long (ish). I wear pants to work frequently, but he thinks skirts and dresses are graceful and feminine (he understands that we live in the North- there is no way I'd wear a skirt on a day like today - right now it is 8 degrees outside!). If I could twirl around everywhere I went, wore pink all the time, I think he would just eat it up. ;-) I think we have a happy medium somewhere in there, pinks and purples are my favorites anyway, so it just kinda works.
Now here's me - I was never a tomboy, but never a "pretty princess" type either. I don't mind dressing attractively, I enjoy being woman, and aside from biological issues that my being woman creates, I wouldn't trade much. That all being said about me, I am aggressive, go-getter, very task oriented. Like, to the point I will sacrifice relationships and being nice. I know that women can be this way, and (for obvious reasons) I don't see anything wrong with it, assuming it's in moderation and done appropriately (and this assumption is the same for men - they aren't excused from being respectful and kind). I have sisters and we were way different on a "scale" of being girly - I'm somewhere in the middle, there was one VERY tomboyish growing up, and another sister was fully convinced she was royalty and that tutus should be a regular part of every girl's wardrobe. But I'm having a little bit of a crisis of identity when it comes to raising our little girl.
Our darling, bouncy, happy and giggly 21 month old daughter is ALL girl. Almost since she's been 1yr she loves to wear bracelets, have the bags, she even has a curvy, hip-twisting walk down! I mean, where does she get this stuff from!?? I may be stepping on some toes (or not), but God created her distinctly female... I know she is learning alot from me and watching me, but she spends more than half her week being cared for solely by Sean, so it has nothing from me being her sole caregiver or biggest influence somehow. If it were just nurture, she'd be tinkering around computers and wouldn't WHINE for me to "brush" her face with makeup, "spray" perfume on, etc (no worries, none of this stuff actually gets on her... she just thinks it does!). So she's definitely girly... but she's definitely controlling, stubborn, strong-willed, opinionated. I know this is not something that girlish or boyish, it's being human, and these toddler years are where we learn boundaries with authority. None of that is really the issue.
I started reading a book on raising girls, that I will leave the title and author out, but let's just say, he pictures the most graceful and femine girl (to grow up into such a woman) as considerate (good), kind (good), not aggressive (eh?), mild-mannered (ok, you're losing me now), traditional, never- pierces -anything-but-ears-and-loves-all-things-girlish-type (and now I want to chuck your book through the window!). My point is not to criticize the book so much as to point you in the direction of this central question: What is femininity?
Like I said, I make no bones about the fact that I'm the aggressive type. Do I think that's always good? Absolutely not. I think I could learn a thing or two on patience and gentleness. But so could men. I'm really having a difficult time reconciling this author's idea that by being aggressive or bent towards leadership makes a woman more masculine. And furthermore, if we have another girl someday, I'm not going to tell her that she is less of a girl, less feminine because she likes to climb trees and a dog is her best friend. Isn't there something to say about nature, and the natural inclination God designs each human with? I've witnessed too many girls just simply, instinctively, being tomboys. How on earth can I expect each of my daughters (this is assuming we have more and they're all girls, of course) to be that description which I put a paragraph ahead? I just can't see myself doing this.
And so, I'm back to my question: what is femininity? How can I teach this to my daughter(s)? Am I doing an adequate job?
I want our daughter to grow up and know that is woman, and she is different than man. And that's okay, it's God-given, and it can be a strength. I want her to know that she can be an architect, an aerobic instructor, a pilot, or a stay-at-home mom, and all of that is okay with me. But how do I balance that with the natural order of things - that in marriage, it is often better than the husband is the head of his house? How is that balanced with dreams and aspirations? How is that balanced with the yearning that so many women have to become mothers? I don't know. And maybe the reason I don't know how to teach her this sense of balance is because I don't know how to balance these different yearnings in me, too.
When I was in high school, I had a string of terrible experiences, that included, but was not limited to being hurt, let-down, used up, and taken for granted. I went into my final years of high school thinking I would go to college, get an excellent job, pay for someone else's sperm, and have a baby that way. (Feminist, maybe?) I was not going to involve a man in this process, because they are unreliable and liars. (Yikes. And that was at 17!) Needless to say, my life was transformed shortly thereafter by the only real Savior in this world, I met Sean (who, for the record, I didn't like at first because I thought was too bossy! Oh, the irony!)... and he really became God's instrument at saving me from myself. Granted, it took several years of marriage for me to LET Sean save me from myself, but what can I say... it was a process.
Anyway, so my life changing, getting married before any college (really, just straight out of high school)... well, this isn't what I planned at all. I got a job, went to school, got a job, then got a really great job, which is the one I have now. When we first got married, I assumed I would be home being the primary caregiver to our kids. Then I started working... and I got hooked. I really do love my job.
The problem is, I really love being a housewife and stay-at-home mom, too. I have my hands in both worlds, because I work part-time. I went to work, frankly, because we needed the money, and I had nothing better to do. It took us years of trying to have a baby to get pregnant (and we waited two years of being married before trying) that I chose to make the best of it and throw myself into something else.... work. I spent two weeks at home around Christmas time, "being all domesticated" (cooking! cleaning! baking!) and so enjoyed it that I didn't want to go back. But now I'm three weeks back, and I'm back to loving it again.
I struggle with making a choice - and unfortunately/fortunately, it would appear a choice is going to eventually be made - on which side of this fence I want to go. I think I feel that if I choose to work, I'm abandoning my child(ren) to be raised by other people for the sake of accomplishment... and I think there's a fear somewhere down inside that choosing this is NOT feminine. But I fear that by choosing to stay at home, I will feel wasted, intellectually unchallenged... and while I might feel delightfully femine while being "domesticated" (read: cooking, cleaning, baking, crafting), I will feel unfulfilled.
I don't want our daughter(s) to feel they have to work, OR that they have to stay at home to feel like a "real" woman... and maybe this is where my issue lies: I draw my own femininity from domestication. And if our daughter(s) HAVE to work someday - or even choose to - I don't want them to feel like they are less feminine.
Now that my rambling is done, I'm still stuck with a question... if domestication is not femininity, then what is?
Friday, January 14, 2011
A poll, of sorts Pt 2
Thanks for your responses to our previous poll.
You guys are a bunch of softies :-) No Mary-Kate didn't get spanked and yes we did talk about it when she discovered it was missing (and yes I did encourage her to post the previous poll). But the talk didn't really fix anything. I think there were other things that happend around Christmas time that bothered me and so this was like the (almost) last straw. I didn't spank her because the stuff that bothered me technically wasn't disobedience, disrespect, dishonesty or destructive behavior.
After our talk I still felt unresolved and distant from Mary-Kate for more than a week until we had another talk-not about the missing anklet but about my expectations for her and other stuff. This one did the trick. We have closure and restoration and it feels good. I do wonder if a spanking back then would have gotten us to this happy point a lot quicker, but I'm comfortable in with the idea that its not the destination but the journey thats most important sometimes.
So now part two of the poll to all my soft-hearted friends is - Are you comfortable being spanked/spanking just to "clear the air" between you and your partner?
-Sean
You guys are a bunch of softies :-) No Mary-Kate didn't get spanked and yes we did talk about it when she discovered it was missing (and yes I did encourage her to post the previous poll). But the talk didn't really fix anything. I think there were other things that happend around Christmas time that bothered me and so this was like the (almost) last straw. I didn't spank her because the stuff that bothered me technically wasn't disobedience, disrespect, dishonesty or destructive behavior.
After our talk I still felt unresolved and distant from Mary-Kate for more than a week until we had another talk-not about the missing anklet but about my expectations for her and other stuff. This one did the trick. We have closure and restoration and it feels good. I do wonder if a spanking back then would have gotten us to this happy point a lot quicker, but I'm comfortable in with the idea that its not the destination but the journey thats most important sometimes.
So now part two of the poll to all my soft-hearted friends is - Are you comfortable being spanked/spanking just to "clear the air" between you and your partner?
-Sean
Thursday, January 13, 2011
A poll, of sorts (story first!)
What would you do?
A couple of years ago, I got a very special (aka expensive) anklet from Sean. It was soon after we began DD, and was a "renewing of vows" if you will. Or maybe a secondary wedding ring. The deal was, I had to wear it all the time.
And the deal didn't last long. It didn't take long for it to become unhooked in the night.... several times. Then the inevitable happened, it got lost good. We were both really saddened, almost depressed about it. But we moved on, and that was that.
Miraculously, it appeared nearly a year later.... in the toilet tank. We don't really have any idea how it got there (and mind you, it was lost BEFORE we had a toddler running around, so that wasn't it). Regardless, the first thing we did was go to the jeweler and put a new, more sturdy clasp on it. And it stayed... for another year.
I usually check its placement every time I exercise, mainly because if I don't use my sock to keep it in certain place, it will cut into my ankle from being pushed by tennis shoe. I was excused from exercising while family was visiting over Christmas, and during that time, I didn't really check on it.
Vacation ended, I went to exercise the first time, and the anklet wasn't there. We searched high and low, went through all the laundry (etc) and still haven't found it.
I'm of the opinion that we were probably asking for it by keeping it on all the time. I know that wear on jewelry can make delicate gold links in chains can cause them to weaken. Furthermore, it was around my ankle, and less "placed" like a wedding band (and weight gain that usually happens after a wedding ;-) ) I do feel terrible about it being gone - that maybe I should've checked it more often during vacation.
I think I should add a disclaimer before I ask the question - this is obviously my side of the story, and I'm sure Sean has something else to say about it.
So here's the question/poll: Do you think I should've got a spanking for losing the anklet?
-- Mary-Kate
A couple of years ago, I got a very special (aka expensive) anklet from Sean. It was soon after we began DD, and was a "renewing of vows" if you will. Or maybe a secondary wedding ring. The deal was, I had to wear it all the time.
And the deal didn't last long. It didn't take long for it to become unhooked in the night.... several times. Then the inevitable happened, it got lost good. We were both really saddened, almost depressed about it. But we moved on, and that was that.
Miraculously, it appeared nearly a year later.... in the toilet tank. We don't really have any idea how it got there (and mind you, it was lost BEFORE we had a toddler running around, so that wasn't it). Regardless, the first thing we did was go to the jeweler and put a new, more sturdy clasp on it. And it stayed... for another year.
I usually check its placement every time I exercise, mainly because if I don't use my sock to keep it in certain place, it will cut into my ankle from being pushed by tennis shoe. I was excused from exercising while family was visiting over Christmas, and during that time, I didn't really check on it.
Vacation ended, I went to exercise the first time, and the anklet wasn't there. We searched high and low, went through all the laundry (etc) and still haven't found it.
I'm of the opinion that we were probably asking for it by keeping it on all the time. I know that wear on jewelry can make delicate gold links in chains can cause them to weaken. Furthermore, it was around my ankle, and less "placed" like a wedding band (and weight gain that usually happens after a wedding ;-) ) I do feel terrible about it being gone - that maybe I should've checked it more often during vacation.
I think I should add a disclaimer before I ask the question - this is obviously my side of the story, and I'm sure Sean has something else to say about it.
So here's the question/poll: Do you think I should've got a spanking for losing the anklet?
-- Mary-Kate
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
The Diet Issue
So the holidays are over and most of us ate too much I'm sure. I just wanted to say how proud I am of Mary-Kate for sticking to her diet rules over the holidays. I know it was really hard to do. We did let the daily exercise routine slide because it just wasn't practical with house guests.
I read a lot about people who have used discipline and incentives to help the weight loss process succeed. Body image is a very sensitive thing and so its difficult to separate the thing that you want to change (wifeys weight) from the thing that you are very satisfied with (wifey).
I had never really confronted Mary-Kate about her weight because she has some health problems that have limited her physical activity. Also her medication can make her body chemistry go wacky so that changes the way her body processes food. (Also basic male survival dictates that you never critizise a female that you live with for being overweight) I think the point when it became apparent that something had to change was when the doctor told us that Mary-Kates weight might be preventing us from having a baby. Of course this was enough motivation for her to alter her eating habits, take her medicine on a regular basis, and start walking a couple of miles each day. She did all this mostly on her own (she reaaallllly wanted a baby) I provided a little help by going on walks with her everyday. It worked! Through God's grace she lost 15 pounds and we made a baby! Fast forward a year through a difficult pregnancy and a couple surgeries an emergency c-section and she was back at her old weight. This was certainly expected after having a baby but it was still a little frustrating after she had worked so hard to get the weight off originally.
I know lots of women struggle to loose their pregnancy weight and Mary-Kate was no exception. Once the doctor told her "you should be loosing your pregnancy weight" she started watching her calories and exercising again. I think without the incentive of getting pregnant she just didn't have the will power needed to stick with her weight loss routine. I think the most frustrating part is she knew she could keep to her diet and exercise program because she did it before all by herself! (Insert stamping foot and pouty face here)
It took a little convincing that she needed help with this but I think most of this had to do with the consequences if she didn't follow through with her diet and exercise. We did some research on the human body and how many calories you can safely "deprive" yourself of without it hurting your health. I know some people set goals of loosing a pound or two a week but I was worried about Mary-Kate starving herself in order to meet that goal. (She hates spankings that much) We settled on 1500 calories a day and walking four miles a day. This should mean that she looses one to two pounds a week. She came up with the rule that she will plan out the meals for the upcoming week and if she wants to eat something other than the planed meal then she has to ask permission. I was surprised she wanted such a strict rule. Personally I wouldn't mind if she ate extra calories as long as she is responsible to exercise more to make up the difference. We also got rid of all the junk food and snacks in the house. Not a bad thing, but I sure do miss having granola bars to snack on. (Oh, the trials of being the HOH)
She has done really well with this program and I knew she would. The weight loss hasn't happened as fast as we would like but she does have more energy, she doesn't get winded as fast when we go on walks, and she has got some rock hard calves. (Mmmmmmm!) So all in all we know she is getting healthier and her doctor is happier and the rest will just take some time. She hasn't stuck to her diet perfectly but I haven't spanked her for the times she screwed up either. There have been a few times when things have been outside of her control like when we eat with friends or company spends the night and she can't exercise in the morning. I try to evaluate her on whether she is doing her best to follow the rules we made together. If she is making an honest effort then I can't really ask for more than that.
Good luck to everyone whose new years resolution included loosing weight. Here's a good post from a fellow DD'er about a similar issue. http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2011/01/02/dd-is-mental/
-Sean
I read a lot about people who have used discipline and incentives to help the weight loss process succeed. Body image is a very sensitive thing and so its difficult to separate the thing that you want to change (wifeys weight) from the thing that you are very satisfied with (wifey).
I had never really confronted Mary-Kate about her weight because she has some health problems that have limited her physical activity. Also her medication can make her body chemistry go wacky so that changes the way her body processes food. (Also basic male survival dictates that you never critizise a female that you live with for being overweight) I think the point when it became apparent that something had to change was when the doctor told us that Mary-Kates weight might be preventing us from having a baby. Of course this was enough motivation for her to alter her eating habits, take her medicine on a regular basis, and start walking a couple of miles each day. She did all this mostly on her own (she reaaallllly wanted a baby) I provided a little help by going on walks with her everyday. It worked! Through God's grace she lost 15 pounds and we made a baby! Fast forward a year through a difficult pregnancy and a couple surgeries an emergency c-section and she was back at her old weight. This was certainly expected after having a baby but it was still a little frustrating after she had worked so hard to get the weight off originally.
I know lots of women struggle to loose their pregnancy weight and Mary-Kate was no exception. Once the doctor told her "you should be loosing your pregnancy weight" she started watching her calories and exercising again. I think without the incentive of getting pregnant she just didn't have the will power needed to stick with her weight loss routine. I think the most frustrating part is she knew she could keep to her diet and exercise program because she did it before all by herself! (Insert stamping foot and pouty face here)
It took a little convincing that she needed help with this but I think most of this had to do with the consequences if she didn't follow through with her diet and exercise. We did some research on the human body and how many calories you can safely "deprive" yourself of without it hurting your health. I know some people set goals of loosing a pound or two a week but I was worried about Mary-Kate starving herself in order to meet that goal. (She hates spankings that much) We settled on 1500 calories a day and walking four miles a day. This should mean that she looses one to two pounds a week. She came up with the rule that she will plan out the meals for the upcoming week and if she wants to eat something other than the planed meal then she has to ask permission. I was surprised she wanted such a strict rule. Personally I wouldn't mind if she ate extra calories as long as she is responsible to exercise more to make up the difference. We also got rid of all the junk food and snacks in the house. Not a bad thing, but I sure do miss having granola bars to snack on. (Oh, the trials of being the HOH)
She has done really well with this program and I knew she would. The weight loss hasn't happened as fast as we would like but she does have more energy, she doesn't get winded as fast when we go on walks, and she has got some rock hard calves. (Mmmmmmm!) So all in all we know she is getting healthier and her doctor is happier and the rest will just take some time. She hasn't stuck to her diet perfectly but I haven't spanked her for the times she screwed up either. There have been a few times when things have been outside of her control like when we eat with friends or company spends the night and she can't exercise in the morning. I try to evaluate her on whether she is doing her best to follow the rules we made together. If she is making an honest effort then I can't really ask for more than that.
Good luck to everyone whose new years resolution included loosing weight. Here's a good post from a fellow DD'er about a similar issue. http://findingsara.wordpress.com/2011/01/02/dd-is-mental/
-Sean
Friday, December 24, 2010
The way we was - Part 2
So Mary-Kate gave you her side of the story and a little more to boot. As she mentioned DD kind of took a little hiatus when she got pregnant. From my research it seems like the jury is still out on whether its OK to spank a woman that's pregnant, but since we were very new to this I figured we would err on the side of caution. We did have lots of talks about mutual submission in marriage and what our roles are. Smarter people than I have written books on the subject of gender equality in marriage so I won't try to impart any new profound wisdom on the subject. I learned more about what my wife wanted needed me to be and learned that I was afraid that if I took more of a leadership role, Mary-Kate would feel subjugated and be mad at me. Or perhaps just as bad she would loose confidence in herself because she perceived that I had lost confidence in her.
When we first got married my wife had little self confidence. Even calling a local business for information intimidated her and getting a job was a scary thing. We tried to survive on my income for a while but we just couldn't make ends meet. She eventually did get a job, got a better job, went back to school, got a degree, got a better job, and is about to get promoted. Building her self confidence took time but in the process she discovered that she was more capable and resourceful than she knew. I supported her fully through this and I let her have all the responsibility she wanted. She was in charge of all the important paperwork, budgeting, groceries, scheduling appointments and almost everything that ran our lives. She was in charge and she liked it that way :-)
Now Mary-Kate being in charge and making a mistake or two in itself was not a bad thing. The problem was (and still is) she doesn't ask for help when she needs it. I think she has a perception that if she has to ask for help then she failed at her task. Mistakes happen to everybody, but if we pretend they weren't our mistakes then we end up failing again and again with no hope of success.
This came to a head when I tried to buy her a mothers day present and the card was declined. I tried a different card and that didn't work either. Finally I used a card from a different bank and that went through. I didn't know any better because I rarely have to buy anything. I asked Mary-Kate about it later and she broke down and told me that our bank cards were maxed out and she had opened a different one and that was maxed out to. We hadn't been late on any bills so far but we had been making minimum payments to keep everything going. Seeing her sorrow and hearing her pleading for me to handle the money from then on softened my heart. I held her and told her that things were going to be OK and I still loved her. She asked to be spanked but we had to delay until that night since I had another meeting to go to. While part of me was baffled as to why she didn't let me help before this got out of hand, the other part of me was proud of her for taking responsibility eventually.
While I was gone I had her write a brief essay explaining what she was being disciplined for, and how her sins have affected the people around her. Mary-Kate says this helps her think about what she did wrong and feel sorry for the right things. As she humbly stood before me that night and read her essay she broke down again and confessed there was more money owed than she had previously indicated. I surprised myself by staying relatively calm through all of this, and I simply told her she would get a second spanking for lying later in the week when her bottom could handle it. In hindsight I should have done more investigating as to whether she knowingly lied in her original account of our finances or if she merely made a mathematical error or something like that. My gut reaction must have been correct because because she accepted that she would be spanked for lying with a nod and downcast eyes. I'd like to think I warmed her bottom pretty good that night, but even if I never touched her I'm pretty sure she would have laid over my lap and cried. She was genuinely sorry for her mistakes and she wanted to change.
Like Mary-Kate said this was kind of a turning point for us with DD. Its so easy to give a spanking for doing something wrong, but now as the HOH I was left with how do I help her make this right. I could take all the responsibility away from her so that she couldn't get into trouble again but that's not helping my wife be responsible - lack of failure doesn't equal success.
Over the next couple of days we talked about a plan to move forward and I wanted to do it without a lot of new rules. She still handles all the bookkeeping, paperwork and the budget. But the rule is she is not allowed to spend a cent without my approval even for regular monthly bills. This means that I'm much more involved in where the money goes and it forces her to plan ahead if she wants the freedom to spend money. So she gets the accountability she wanted and I am still free to delegate responsibility depending on the situation. Its working great so far, in eight months we lowered our debt by almost $2,000. I think the positive results of her surrendering some of her control has built some trust between us. She says she wouldn't go back to doing things her way and that's fine with me.
-Sean
When we first got married my wife had little self confidence. Even calling a local business for information intimidated her and getting a job was a scary thing. We tried to survive on my income for a while but we just couldn't make ends meet. She eventually did get a job, got a better job, went back to school, got a degree, got a better job, and is about to get promoted. Building her self confidence took time but in the process she discovered that she was more capable and resourceful than she knew. I supported her fully through this and I let her have all the responsibility she wanted. She was in charge of all the important paperwork, budgeting, groceries, scheduling appointments and almost everything that ran our lives. She was in charge and she liked it that way :-)
Now Mary-Kate being in charge and making a mistake or two in itself was not a bad thing. The problem was (and still is) she doesn't ask for help when she needs it. I think she has a perception that if she has to ask for help then she failed at her task. Mistakes happen to everybody, but if we pretend they weren't our mistakes then we end up failing again and again with no hope of success.
This came to a head when I tried to buy her a mothers day present and the card was declined. I tried a different card and that didn't work either. Finally I used a card from a different bank and that went through. I didn't know any better because I rarely have to buy anything. I asked Mary-Kate about it later and she broke down and told me that our bank cards were maxed out and she had opened a different one and that was maxed out to. We hadn't been late on any bills so far but we had been making minimum payments to keep everything going. Seeing her sorrow and hearing her pleading for me to handle the money from then on softened my heart. I held her and told her that things were going to be OK and I still loved her. She asked to be spanked but we had to delay until that night since I had another meeting to go to. While part of me was baffled as to why she didn't let me help before this got out of hand, the other part of me was proud of her for taking responsibility eventually.
While I was gone I had her write a brief essay explaining what she was being disciplined for, and how her sins have affected the people around her. Mary-Kate says this helps her think about what she did wrong and feel sorry for the right things. As she humbly stood before me that night and read her essay she broke down again and confessed there was more money owed than she had previously indicated. I surprised myself by staying relatively calm through all of this, and I simply told her she would get a second spanking for lying later in the week when her bottom could handle it. In hindsight I should have done more investigating as to whether she knowingly lied in her original account of our finances or if she merely made a mathematical error or something like that. My gut reaction must have been correct because because she accepted that she would be spanked for lying with a nod and downcast eyes. I'd like to think I warmed her bottom pretty good that night, but even if I never touched her I'm pretty sure she would have laid over my lap and cried. She was genuinely sorry for her mistakes and she wanted to change.
Like Mary-Kate said this was kind of a turning point for us with DD. Its so easy to give a spanking for doing something wrong, but now as the HOH I was left with how do I help her make this right. I could take all the responsibility away from her so that she couldn't get into trouble again but that's not helping my wife be responsible - lack of failure doesn't equal success.
Over the next couple of days we talked about a plan to move forward and I wanted to do it without a lot of new rules. She still handles all the bookkeeping, paperwork and the budget. But the rule is she is not allowed to spend a cent without my approval even for regular monthly bills. This means that I'm much more involved in where the money goes and it forces her to plan ahead if she wants the freedom to spend money. So she gets the accountability she wanted and I am still free to delegate responsibility depending on the situation. Its working great so far, in eight months we lowered our debt by almost $2,000. I think the positive results of her surrendering some of her control has built some trust between us. She says she wouldn't go back to doing things her way and that's fine with me.
-Sean
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
The way we were...
So now it's time for my side of the story, appropriately titled "The Way We Were" in reference to Sean's "The Way We Was" (which is, by the way, a reference to an episode of "The Simpsons").
No secret to anyone who knows me, I am an aggressive, go-getter type. I feel better when there is a clear direction and plan. I have alot of baggage from a perfectionist upbringing and a mom who was by default in control. I make a conscious effort to not blame my actions or behavior on my environment during childhood because I ultimately have the choice to behave the way I do; that said, your upbringing does affect your "gut reaction" and without thinking first you can react on what you learned a long time ago.
Knowing this, it should be no surprise that I am a control freak. While I've told Sean for the 6 years we've been married that I chose him because I knew he wouldn't let me push him around, I think what I really didn't realize when I married him is that, while I have a loud and demanding type of authority, he does have a sense of authority about him too (just not so obnoxious!). We fought tirelessly, I withdrew, he pushed for conversation and to "fix it". It was an endless cycle that neither of us was happy in, but we made a commitment to our vows, and even if we sometimes felt it might have been a mistake, we were going to stick to our word.
Sean had suggested to me one day about submission and the possibility of spanking a wife. I bluntly told him spanking was archaic, chauvinist, and repulsive. That said, it was never far removed really, from my mind, because I knew I did need the first part - submission. The bible was pretty clear on the hierarchy of a marriage, and that's what we should work towards.
So, a few months later, when I found myself compromised, terribly hungover (ummm, doesn't the bible say something about drunkenness too?), I knew there was no way other than to tell Sean the truth about what I had done the night before and then deal with whatever he handed me. I was surprised by his calm demeanor, lack of lecturing (a Sean trademark at this point), and just general sensitivity that I had a made a serious mistake in judgement but was terribly sorry. We had a long car ride home and talked about it. God had completely renewed his mind while I was away for that week, I think; unbenkownst to him, to prepare him for my state at the end of the week. He was patient, and asked me, "what do you think we should do about it" to which my response was, "I think I earned a spanking." I don't know how I knew that was what was coming, but I just did. (I think Sean and I still disagree who recommended it first.)
It was terrible, and just honestly, poorly done, probably border lining abuse had it been done in any other context. I think if there was any GREAT lesson we learned from that first spanking was for a debriefing afterwards. I so appreciate that Sean gives me the time to express how I felt about the discipline after the fact, without fear of further retribution. We spent ALOT of months talking about this first incident, and worked through our own version of rules (example, we do not do spankings without time for warning or time for reflection for both of us... I think this gives me time to feel sorry for something I did wrong and him time to make sure he doesn't go nuts on me!).
The hold-up in this natural progression was me getting pregnant. Now, we had been suffering through LOTS of infertility issues so this was HUGE news for us. And while there was a certain expectation that I would still submit and be obedient during my confinement, I had surgery while pregnant as well as numerous complications which made it impossible for me to even do corner time (nonetheless a spanking!) so discipline kinda went out the window. I do firmly believe that God gave us a baby once we got our marriage right because we would have completely fallen apart having trying to go through that pregnancy and premature birth without some major tenets established. But, I think it did hinder our further development in this lifestyle, and it really wasn't until our darling daughter turned 1 that we got back on track.
Well, we didn't really get back on track. I just committed another MAJOR issue for our family.
I had to cut my hours to part-time after the baby was born, which was fine, and we could afford it, but we would have to slightly alter our lifestyle. Needless to say, I did not alter that lifestyle enough and Sean was not involved in the decision-making process over money. In that year after she was born, I eventually had maxed out credit cards and spent most everything. It was terrible, and I think Sean finally caught wind/became suspicious that money was tighter than I might have projected. He asked me about it - completely nonconfrontationally (and I think he didn't expect the reaction he got) - and got the waterworks over it. I cried and confessed the terrible spending habits, buying things we could do without, not managing the money well, and I BEGGED him to take it from me. I like to think that THIS was the point that we really turned a corner within DD.
It was big because I finally saw the wisdom in having someone over me, that I really did need some accountability for my behavior. I needed someone to help me grow to become a better woman and mother, because I sucked at doing it by myself. I went along with much of this DD because... well, I love structure. I love rules. I do NOT love being spanked (still), nor do I really enjoy having a boss (necessarily), but I do like things to be clearly outlined. And that's what I got out of DD - I knew exactly where I stood with Sean, knew his expectations. But it was at this second crisis that I realized DD was so much more than just trying to meet Sean's expectations for me and my behavior. It was a lifestyle, a way of thinking, and more importantly, a way of trusting. I don't think any of it has happened overnight, but I adore him and love him SO much more for putting his foot down. I don't like to have him micromanage me (and he's so good to allow me to have some freedom in some areas... Thank GOD he understands my personality/natural-leader type of thing I got going on!), but since April 2010 (and we started DD in Summer of 2008) I really do feel cared for when he interjects himself into my life, my tasks, my goals. (Still not feeling necessarily cared for during discipline, but the rest of it I do!). It's hard for anyone not practicing DD to understand that, but there is a genuine sense of trust in him, that I have that I NEVER had before he was the head of this house.
So that's my side of the story. I think Sean is going to give you a Part 2 to "The Way We Was" sometime in the near future, but I thought you all might like to hear what was going through my head during all this.
No secret to anyone who knows me, I am an aggressive, go-getter type. I feel better when there is a clear direction and plan. I have alot of baggage from a perfectionist upbringing and a mom who was by default in control. I make a conscious effort to not blame my actions or behavior on my environment during childhood because I ultimately have the choice to behave the way I do; that said, your upbringing does affect your "gut reaction" and without thinking first you can react on what you learned a long time ago.
Knowing this, it should be no surprise that I am a control freak. While I've told Sean for the 6 years we've been married that I chose him because I knew he wouldn't let me push him around, I think what I really didn't realize when I married him is that, while I have a loud and demanding type of authority, he does have a sense of authority about him too (just not so obnoxious!). We fought tirelessly, I withdrew, he pushed for conversation and to "fix it". It was an endless cycle that neither of us was happy in, but we made a commitment to our vows, and even if we sometimes felt it might have been a mistake, we were going to stick to our word.
Sean had suggested to me one day about submission and the possibility of spanking a wife. I bluntly told him spanking was archaic, chauvinist, and repulsive. That said, it was never far removed really, from my mind, because I knew I did need the first part - submission. The bible was pretty clear on the hierarchy of a marriage, and that's what we should work towards.
So, a few months later, when I found myself compromised, terribly hungover (ummm, doesn't the bible say something about drunkenness too?), I knew there was no way other than to tell Sean the truth about what I had done the night before and then deal with whatever he handed me. I was surprised by his calm demeanor, lack of lecturing (a Sean trademark at this point), and just general sensitivity that I had a made a serious mistake in judgement but was terribly sorry. We had a long car ride home and talked about it. God had completely renewed his mind while I was away for that week, I think; unbenkownst to him, to prepare him for my state at the end of the week. He was patient, and asked me, "what do you think we should do about it" to which my response was, "I think I earned a spanking." I don't know how I knew that was what was coming, but I just did. (I think Sean and I still disagree who recommended it first.)
It was terrible, and just honestly, poorly done, probably border lining abuse had it been done in any other context. I think if there was any GREAT lesson we learned from that first spanking was for a debriefing afterwards. I so appreciate that Sean gives me the time to express how I felt about the discipline after the fact, without fear of further retribution. We spent ALOT of months talking about this first incident, and worked through our own version of rules (example, we do not do spankings without time for warning or time for reflection for both of us... I think this gives me time to feel sorry for something I did wrong and him time to make sure he doesn't go nuts on me!).
The hold-up in this natural progression was me getting pregnant. Now, we had been suffering through LOTS of infertility issues so this was HUGE news for us. And while there was a certain expectation that I would still submit and be obedient during my confinement, I had surgery while pregnant as well as numerous complications which made it impossible for me to even do corner time (nonetheless a spanking!) so discipline kinda went out the window. I do firmly believe that God gave us a baby once we got our marriage right because we would have completely fallen apart having trying to go through that pregnancy and premature birth without some major tenets established. But, I think it did hinder our further development in this lifestyle, and it really wasn't until our darling daughter turned 1 that we got back on track.
Well, we didn't really get back on track. I just committed another MAJOR issue for our family.
I had to cut my hours to part-time after the baby was born, which was fine, and we could afford it, but we would have to slightly alter our lifestyle. Needless to say, I did not alter that lifestyle enough and Sean was not involved in the decision-making process over money. In that year after she was born, I eventually had maxed out credit cards and spent most everything. It was terrible, and I think Sean finally caught wind/became suspicious that money was tighter than I might have projected. He asked me about it - completely nonconfrontationally (and I think he didn't expect the reaction he got) - and got the waterworks over it. I cried and confessed the terrible spending habits, buying things we could do without, not managing the money well, and I BEGGED him to take it from me. I like to think that THIS was the point that we really turned a corner within DD.
It was big because I finally saw the wisdom in having someone over me, that I really did need some accountability for my behavior. I needed someone to help me grow to become a better woman and mother, because I sucked at doing it by myself. I went along with much of this DD because... well, I love structure. I love rules. I do NOT love being spanked (still), nor do I really enjoy having a boss (necessarily), but I do like things to be clearly outlined. And that's what I got out of DD - I knew exactly where I stood with Sean, knew his expectations. But it was at this second crisis that I realized DD was so much more than just trying to meet Sean's expectations for me and my behavior. It was a lifestyle, a way of thinking, and more importantly, a way of trusting. I don't think any of it has happened overnight, but I adore him and love him SO much more for putting his foot down. I don't like to have him micromanage me (and he's so good to allow me to have some freedom in some areas... Thank GOD he understands my personality/natural-leader type of thing I got going on!), but since April 2010 (and we started DD in Summer of 2008) I really do feel cared for when he interjects himself into my life, my tasks, my goals. (Still not feeling necessarily cared for during discipline, but the rest of it I do!). It's hard for anyone not practicing DD to understand that, but there is a genuine sense of trust in him, that I have that I NEVER had before he was the head of this house.
So that's my side of the story. I think Sean is going to give you a Part 2 to "The Way We Was" sometime in the near future, but I thought you all might like to hear what was going through my head during all this.
Friday, December 10, 2010
The way we was - Part 1
I think a little background information is in order before we go much farther with this blog. I met Mary Kate when she was still in high school, although at the time I thought she was in college. I'm six years older than her but it really didn't feel like it because she acted like someone my own age. Mary Kate will probably tell her side of the story later but for me I certainly noticed her body first :-) but her maturity and her intelligence quickly held my attention. She has a very strong leader type personality. (Really? an Irish woman with a strong personality! I was shocked too.) We got married quickly, probably too quickly for a lot of people. I think a lot of people assumed she was pregnant but it ended up taking several years for the first baby to come a long. (That'll show 'em. Hah!)
Our early years of marriage were filled with arguments and fights. We had plenty of good times too but we were both struggling to be the leader. Whenever we would have a disagreement I would try to fix it. We would sit down and try to figure out why we felt the way we did and what we could do to keep from having the same conflict again. (Read boring lecture from Sean) It did help some but Mary Kate felt like there was always something wrong with her that she needed to fix. I felt like I was trying to be a leader but she didn't want to follow. All this is probably common to many marriages out there.
We had talked about masculinity and femininity and our roles in marriage. Mary Kate definitely wanted me to be head of our family. I knew my wife was a gift and not a project, but I also knew that my constant "corrections" (when women do this its called nagging) were not inspiring loving feelings between the two of us. I was looking around the Internet for information on submission in marriage. I really needed an answer to how submission in a relationship could lead to anything but hard feelings by the person doing the submitting. I found an article by a minister who talked about the biblical reasons for submission in marriage. This was all stuff I heard before having grown up going to church every week, but this guy talked about the need for discipline in a marriage. He did mention spanking but he quickly pointed out that the bible does not require corporal punishment as a means of discipline, but it does not forbid it either. Some further investigation yielded a lifestyle called domestic discipline which seemed to have discipline and still a loving respectful atmosphere. After some soul searching I showed the article to Mary Kate. She was repulsed by the idea of spanking, but she did understand the concept of discipline and she did recognize that she was not always submitting the way she knew she should. She asked me if I though she should be spanked; I don't remember exactly what I said but it was probably a long winded version of "yes". We kind of let it go there.
A few weeks later Mary Kate was at a conference for her work for a few days. She called me on the morning I was supposed to drive out to pick her up and she was almost in tears. I will let Mary Kate tell you the whole story if she wants to but apparently she had a little to much to drink the night before and had to have a friend at the conference help her back to her room. I realize getting drunk is probably no big deal for a lot of people out there but Mary Kate had a life before she met me that she was slipping back into and I think it scared both of us. She called me still a little sick that morning and confessed everything and apologized. I told her that I was disappointed but I still loved her and I would be there soon to get her and everything would be OK. We had a long drive home where we talked about what happened. Finally I said "I think you should submit to a spanking. I will not force you and if you decide not to I will still love you, but I think you should submit to this." Quietly she told me she had expected this and that she would be "OK" with getting a spanking.
At that moment, I was relived that she had agreed and I knew that I had to forgive her right then. She was taking responsibility for her actions admitting her mistake and accepting the consequences. I could not continue to hold it against her. We talked about other things and as the alcohol worked its way out of her system she became happier and seemed like she was at peace. We got home and I let her rest a little before I told her we needed to talk about her spanking. I was very nervous about spanking her; mostly, because I had never done this before and I really wasn't sure how she would react, or if she would still love me afterward. We talked about the way she was spanked by her parents and a few other things. I'm not sure what she expected but she was very trusting and seemed calmer about whole thing as I talked about what would happen and informed her that unlike her childhood spankings she would be bare bottomed for this spanking. She was surprisingly submissive for the whole process. I had read accounts of women who scream and kick their legs and try to squirm away, and that's what I was expecting from my fiery wife. This was when my inexperience caused a few problems. I didn't get a sobbing hysterical woman over my lap so I assumed she was fighting, not wanting to "give in". So I spanked harder as I lectured her. (I know this is probably a classic male HOH mistake)
Suffice it to say I hurt her more than she needed both physically and emotionally. After we finished and she got up she immediately crawled in bed and didn't want to talk to me. I remember apologizing for something although I don't remember what for. I left her alone and went to work for a meeting. The whole time I was in the meeting I was sick to my stomach. I wasn't afraid of her calling the police or telling our friends I beat her or anything. I was really afraid that I had hurt my wife in a way that she would have a hard time trusting me anymore. When I came home we both sat down and I explained that I felt I had made the mistakes that I mentioned above and I apologized. Mary Kate forgave me and we spent the next week or two talking about DD and what was good and not so good. We continue in this learning process and I think our trust in each other has grown and so has the peace and stability of our house. Mary Kate doesn't like being spanked... ever... for any reason... (she can't identify with women who want erotic/fun spankings) but she has never refused when I have stated that she needs one. She trusts me a lot, and its inspiring for me to live up to a standard where I would be worthy of that trust.
-Sean
Our early years of marriage were filled with arguments and fights. We had plenty of good times too but we were both struggling to be the leader. Whenever we would have a disagreement I would try to fix it. We would sit down and try to figure out why we felt the way we did and what we could do to keep from having the same conflict again. (Read boring lecture from Sean) It did help some but Mary Kate felt like there was always something wrong with her that she needed to fix. I felt like I was trying to be a leader but she didn't want to follow. All this is probably common to many marriages out there.
We had talked about masculinity and femininity and our roles in marriage. Mary Kate definitely wanted me to be head of our family. I knew my wife was a gift and not a project, but I also knew that my constant "corrections" (when women do this its called nagging) were not inspiring loving feelings between the two of us. I was looking around the Internet for information on submission in marriage. I really needed an answer to how submission in a relationship could lead to anything but hard feelings by the person doing the submitting. I found an article by a minister who talked about the biblical reasons for submission in marriage. This was all stuff I heard before having grown up going to church every week, but this guy talked about the need for discipline in a marriage. He did mention spanking but he quickly pointed out that the bible does not require corporal punishment as a means of discipline, but it does not forbid it either. Some further investigation yielded a lifestyle called domestic discipline which seemed to have discipline and still a loving respectful atmosphere. After some soul searching I showed the article to Mary Kate. She was repulsed by the idea of spanking, but she did understand the concept of discipline and she did recognize that she was not always submitting the way she knew she should. She asked me if I though she should be spanked; I don't remember exactly what I said but it was probably a long winded version of "yes". We kind of let it go there.
A few weeks later Mary Kate was at a conference for her work for a few days. She called me on the morning I was supposed to drive out to pick her up and she was almost in tears. I will let Mary Kate tell you the whole story if she wants to but apparently she had a little to much to drink the night before and had to have a friend at the conference help her back to her room. I realize getting drunk is probably no big deal for a lot of people out there but Mary Kate had a life before she met me that she was slipping back into and I think it scared both of us. She called me still a little sick that morning and confessed everything and apologized. I told her that I was disappointed but I still loved her and I would be there soon to get her and everything would be OK. We had a long drive home where we talked about what happened. Finally I said "I think you should submit to a spanking. I will not force you and if you decide not to I will still love you, but I think you should submit to this." Quietly she told me she had expected this and that she would be "OK" with getting a spanking.
At that moment, I was relived that she had agreed and I knew that I had to forgive her right then. She was taking responsibility for her actions admitting her mistake and accepting the consequences. I could not continue to hold it against her. We talked about other things and as the alcohol worked its way out of her system she became happier and seemed like she was at peace. We got home and I let her rest a little before I told her we needed to talk about her spanking. I was very nervous about spanking her; mostly, because I had never done this before and I really wasn't sure how she would react, or if she would still love me afterward. We talked about the way she was spanked by her parents and a few other things. I'm not sure what she expected but she was very trusting and seemed calmer about whole thing as I talked about what would happen and informed her that unlike her childhood spankings she would be bare bottomed for this spanking. She was surprisingly submissive for the whole process. I had read accounts of women who scream and kick their legs and try to squirm away, and that's what I was expecting from my fiery wife. This was when my inexperience caused a few problems. I didn't get a sobbing hysterical woman over my lap so I assumed she was fighting, not wanting to "give in". So I spanked harder as I lectured her. (I know this is probably a classic male HOH mistake)
Suffice it to say I hurt her more than she needed both physically and emotionally. After we finished and she got up she immediately crawled in bed and didn't want to talk to me. I remember apologizing for something although I don't remember what for. I left her alone and went to work for a meeting. The whole time I was in the meeting I was sick to my stomach. I wasn't afraid of her calling the police or telling our friends I beat her or anything. I was really afraid that I had hurt my wife in a way that she would have a hard time trusting me anymore. When I came home we both sat down and I explained that I felt I had made the mistakes that I mentioned above and I apologized. Mary Kate forgave me and we spent the next week or two talking about DD and what was good and not so good. We continue in this learning process and I think our trust in each other has grown and so has the peace and stability of our house. Mary Kate doesn't like being spanked... ever... for any reason... (she can't identify with women who want erotic/fun spankings) but she has never refused when I have stated that she needs one. She trusts me a lot, and its inspiring for me to live up to a standard where I would be worthy of that trust.
-Sean
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