A story

In May my boyfriend David told me to not make any plans for the weekend of July 11-13. He said "don't ask any questions because you won't get any answers."

Later he asked me to take work off on Thursday afternoon, July 10, to attend a work event with him. I assumed the two were related, but then he forwarded me an email from his boss about the work event and I was disappointed. In an attempt to get clues, I also asked him if I needed to find a ward chorister sub Sunday morning and he said no. So, after lots and lots of speculation, I was sad because probably the weekend would not be that exciting after all and we were just going to hang out in DC.

Wednesday at 5:55 a.m. I receive a text from David saying "there is something for you outside." So I go outside and see this:

And the letter said this:

Thursday afternoon David's roommate picked me up from my house. We went to the airport and once we arrived there David said "do you want to know who the chaperones are?" and I said YES and he opened his bag and I thought he was going to pull out a puppy or something and instead he opened up a box with our DisneyWorld new magic wristbands and there was a spot for us and our friends Kendel and Heather (who lives in Utah and had known about this scheme for two months!!)

Before the flight Kendel had a photo shoot with us at the airport and apparently came to be our papparazzi

Once we landed in Orlando, David handed me another letter that went through all of our options for that evening and said PRICE IS NOT A CONCERN. On the list were things like horse drawn carriage rides and hot air balloon rides, which I was very into...but it was the two of us and Kendel since Heather didn't land until midnight! ha! So we opted to go to a great little show instead. Then we showed up at our gorgeous New Orleans hotel! David told us to go look around while he checks in, then we walk around, love life, happiness abounds, etc.

Friday morning we grab some Mickey waffles and head to the Magic Kingdom. Our first ride is the new Seven Dwarves roller coaster, which was awesome for me due to my childhood obsession. While we are in line, David pulls out a piece of paper that basically says "multiple times you  have equated yourself and {my house of 7 single men} to Snow White and the Seven Dwarves. Thanks for feeding us, taking care of us." Then the next ride we get on is Peter Pan, where he hands me a piece of paper saying "You are my happy thoughts. You make my heart fly." Then It's a Small World After All, where he hands me a piece of paper with a list of funny, happy memories and says "You've made it a World of Laughter." These continued on for every ride we went on, including a Twilight quote for Space Mountain and at the end of Haunted Mansion, after I had laughed about how the plot of that ride is a bride who kills all of her husbands, his paper said "please don't be THAT bride."  

Friday at 5 we ditched Heather and Kendel and went to this restaurant at a DisneyWorld hotel. It was on the 15th floor and had a great view of DisneyWorld. Our table was near the window and covered in Mickey Mouse confetti!!!! The waiter came and brought us SPECIAL MENUS that said The Zobell Party at the top and did not list prices! David apparently did a lot of internet research to find the right phone number so he could call and have a special menu printed so that I wouldn't know the prices of anything and just order the cheap stuff. :)

The food was also AMAZING and included lavender foccacia bread oh wow! Then for dessert they brought out the white chocolate glass slipper that David had seen on a blog from 2011 and he made a lot of phone calls to special order that dessert, too. He left during dinner to go to the bathroom and talked to the manager about the dessert and everyone was saying they didn't have it and it was drama but eventually worked out phew.

Side note that it was forecasted to rain ALL DAY LONG and we saw lightening during dinner but, tender mercy, we never saw any rain.

After dinner we took a boat back to Magic Kingdom because, well, it is beautiful, and the sun was setting and life is grand. Then we went on a couple more rides, including Thunder Mountain Railroad and he handed me a slip that said "This is my favorite ride (arguably) with my favorite person (unarguably)."

We finally met up with Heather and Kendel and got a great spot for the fireworks. In case you didn't know, I am crazy about fireworks. They are my favorite part of DisneyWorld/anything. The theme of the fireworks show was Wishes. Apparently David watched the show on YouTube a hundred times to memorize it. There is a certain quiet spot towards the end when it talks about some fairy coming to grant your wishes and that is when David hands me the final slip of paper that says "My Wish" on the outside and then I opened it up and it said "Will you marry me?" 

He pulled out the ring box that he had special ordered because it had a light so that I could see the ring while we were outside at night, and then we got engaged and Kendel took 100 pictures and Heather videotaped and the fireworks had their grand finale which I do not currently remember at all and it was so happy. 

 And after that was all over, David handed me the "Just Engaged!" button that he had picked up from the front desk when we checked in to our hotel, and we wore them the rest of the weekend and everywhere we went people said "Congrats!" and it was awesome.

Then David asked what we should do next and I said "we still have to go on the Winnie the Pooh ride!" so we ridiculously did, and then went to Gaston's Tavern to get some fancy apple drink and to call our parents (and James & Russell) to tell them the big news, and the Gaston Tavern employees gave us some free food. 

We are pretty excited.

How sometimes your greatest fears aren't really that bad

Earlier this year I taught Job at Institute and one verse has really stuck with me:

"For the thing which I greatly feared is come upon me, and that which I was afraid of is come unto me." -- Job 3:25

So what do you do when you have to face your greatest fear? Maybe that is the whole point of the book of Job, and we see how Job continues to testify of Christ, even as he deals with an onslaught of physical and mental anguish.

Having cancer was not my greatest fear, but it was definitely something that seemed pretty overwhelming. At the end of June my doctor told me I had a growth on my thyroid and it could be cancer so I needed to get it checked out. I went straight to have an ultrasound taken of my neck, and I distinctly remember feeling foolish to even let the thought of cancer enter my mind as it was so unlikely, but being so frightened by the possibility that I could have cancer. I had so many emotions after simply knowing there was a chance I had cancer, but in the end I comforted myself by telling myself that it was so unlikely and I was just being paranoid.

I must now, as always, give the disclaimer that thyroid cancer is not like getting a life threatening cancer, and that would be a different case entirely.

A couple of weeks later I was sitting in a hospital for one of many doctor visits and received a phone call from my surgeon saying that I did have cancer. I was so overwhelmed but had to maintain some composure as I still had this appointment to get through before I could react. And then I left the doctor and cried and wandered around in this weird state where I kept saying to myself " you have cancer."

But here is the truth: it's not that bad. Like everything in life, you deal with it. I remember leaving the doctor's office singing the whole way home the day after I was diagnosed, because my doctor gave me a game plan. It seemed so manageable. Perhaps at that moment I didn't realize that within the game plan would be a lot of thrown in physical and emotional limitations, but I can do hard things.

As I get ready for this week of radioactivity--which three weeks ago also seemed a little overwhelming--I realize there are far worse things in life than a mandated week to watch TV and read teen lit. Things are okay. Every day I laugh and am struck by the beauty of the moon or a chord of music. I think in some small way I have been struck by how this experience has turned my life upside down and made me honestly assess my life and see things that need to change, and not be worried about rocking the boat, because it's already turbulent. So change isn't scary anymore. 

There are a lot of things in life that seem impossible. Crippling. Debilitating. And undoubtedly they are. But I think the most comforting thing in life is that you can get through it. The power is in you! And that even in the midst of hardships, there is happiness. Good and bad will always co-exist, in every life, at every moment. And, to quote my favorite quote of all time for the hundredth time:

'People speak of misfortunes...,' remarked Pierre, 'but if at this moment I were asked: "Would you rather be what you were before you were taken prisoner, or go through this all again?" then for heaven's sake let me again have captivity and horse flesh! We imagine that when we are thrown out of our usual ruts all is lost, but it is only then that what is new begins. While there is life there is happiness.'

Cancer Chronicles, part 3

It's funny to think about how cancer is affecting you when you find out you have cancer but haven't started any treatment. Like I think about talking to doctors last month and they explained the treatment and I thought "what a relief! this is nothing at all!" But then you go through the process and it totally turns your life upside down.

Anyway...I am doing pretty great. I had surgery (almost) three weeks ago and feel great, besides being very, very tired. All of the time. And having to literally say to myself before doing things like going to the grocery store "Rachel, you can do hard things." I no longer have any desire to cook or honestly do much of anything besides sit on my couch eating popsicles. It is odd that having scheduled my radioactive iodine treatment makes me anxious, because that means "cancer" will officially be over in a month, but I am afraid that I won't feel any better in any area of my life, and I will no longer have an excuse. But for the time being, I feel semi-justified in just wanting to be lazy, and everyone else does, too. I just dread that not so distant day when people expect me to contribute to society.

On Monday I went to my office for the first time in almost a month. Bless telework. I hadn't really talked to my co-worker much yet, so she came to my desk and I was telling her about my surgery, and literally 2 minutes later this woman very passive aggressively moved desks (because of our new open workspace), and then a few minutes after that she came over and got mad at me specifically for being too loud and told me to go somewhere else. There were visibly a dozen other people in our small radius talking as well (it was lunch time), but whatever, I went home.

Also, best/worst of all, one week before I had surgery, I realized I had bed bugs. This meant I came back from Idaho on a Tuesday afternoon and went straight to the laundry room to start washing every item I own on hot water before drying and bagging them. Then I put everything in my car, moved everything else out of my room, and basically worked on bed bug prep until 1 a.m. Thursday night. Then four hours later I woke up and went to the hospital. Oh yes, I had also thrown away my bed and my friend was going to deliver my new bed while I was in the hospital (as the exterminator was supposed to come while I was in the hospital, too). Please note that my mom arrived in the midst of this and was, as always, a rock star.

Well, post-surgery I am rolled into my hospital room and the first thing I hear is that the exterminator got into a car accident and our house wouldn't be treated until the following week. Meaning I had no bed, and I would have to leave the house for 8 hours during one of my sick days, and I was not exactly mobile. Panic ensued, but luckily I had a LOT of visitors at the hospital who were in my room during my litany of frantic phone calls, and they solved all of my problems. My friend MJ had been storing her bed at my house, so she moved it into my living room while I was in the hospital so I could sleep there. And my friend Paul offered to hang with me at his house all day Monday while the exterminator was there, and it was my most fun day yet. My friend Lance even offered me a free hotel room for my entire recovery, but I decided I just wanted to be home. So in the end, things work out because even when life is overwhelmingly bad, I am still surrounded by wonderful, kind, giving, supportive people. Like those of you willing to read this blog.

I become radioactive in three weeks. I am not allowed to take anything with me to the hospital that I don't want to throw away when I leave. It sounds like two days of prison, but this will also be a blessing as it will subtly encourage me to avoid a life of crime.

Cancer Chronicles, part 2

Wow, since apparently way more people read this blog than I realized, I will post again.

Having cancer seems like old news by now, but that will probably not be the case when I am spending the night in the hospital! ack! In two weeks I will get my thyroid removed, and then a month or so later I will take radioactive iodine, which will make me radioactive for a while. While I am radioactive I will have to do things like:

• Avoid human contact for a week (er, at least not within 6 feet)
• Only eat off of disposable plates, and then put those plates in a separate trash bag, that apparently can be put in your regular dumpster after 80 days? This sounds like a recipe for disaster 
• Particularly avoid contact with children and pregnant women

Accordingly, I bought a last minute flight to visit my brother James and his two week old baby next week! Very excited. 

Luckily I feel great, as in my friend with a cold feels way more sick than I do with cancer. Just dreading my first overnight stay in a hospital! And if you're interested, I found this great website that details out the thyroid cancer process: http://www.thyroid.org/cancer-of-the-thyroid-gland/

Thanks for your concern!

Cancer Chronicles, part 1

Last week I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. I don't like calling it cancer. That word is too scary and emotional. I wish I could call it an infection, because thyroid cancer is not even close to being in the same league as leukemia or brain cancer. It doesn't seem right to lay claim to that title. I will be completely fine in two months. And I am only blogging about this because I assume no one will see it....

That being said, having cancer is really socially awkward. First off, how do you tell someone? The day I was diagnosed I came home and my roommate said "how was your day?" and I said it was okay...and then she said how her's had been awful and went on to describe why. Now if at this point I had said "well, I was diagnosed with cancer today" how awkward would that have been? I cannot throw out the ultimate trump! I have only had told one person that I have cancer in person. And that was because she hadn't seen my email to her yet and asked about my update post-biopsy, etc. Also, people are very nice about my having cancer, but then when I see them in person NO ONE EVER BRINGS IT UP! I feel awkward bringing it up and talking about myself that much, so they probably think I don't want to talk about it, and thus perpetuates the cycle.

I am out of my mind grateful for my brother James, who is a cancer survivor and will talk to me about it and laugh with me about how funny/not funny cancer jokes are. Like how yesterday someone told me some story they thought was funny and I thought was upsetting and I said "that story is the worst thing I have heard all week. And I got cancer this week."

Last year my best friend Gillian called me because she had this impression that I needed to start going to the doctor to find out if I have cancer. I thought she was kind of extreme, but went to the doctor last year to appease her and was fine. When my year was up and it was time for another visit, I went again, and sure enough, Gillian was right. Very grateful for her for a lot of reasons.

Do People Still Blog?

I kind of forgot blogging was a thing. I also thought they killed off google reader about 4 months ago, but then somehow I saw that they actually aren't until Monday, so today I looked at mine and copied a few addresses so I am ready for the abyss. I think people stopped blogging because now they can just Instagram, right?

If I'm going to blog, it should just really be about how perfect my week in Disneyland was (almost) three months ago. I suppose it is time to go back.

I also thought about blogging about how we need to use our agency to choose what we already have. I went to my friend's birthday party and someone told this story about how they were complaining to their roommate about their fiance and the roommate said "you picked him" and I realize the story was supposed to be funny, but I thought it was so profound. I remember a decade ago when I lived in Provo and wished I lived in DC, and then I would think "why exactly do you think life would be that much better if you lived in DC instead" and usually there was no reason. I think the same thing a lot lately....what if I really did move/get a new job/buy a convertible/etc, would life really be any better? If so, then I'd better do it. But so far I've realized I am much happier when I recognize that I already have what I really want.

Side note about the convertible--I really wanted to buy a Fiat, and then I rented one for Memorial Day and it was fun, but mostly it was just a car, and when I was driving it I couldn't even see how cute it was. And I am still in love with Edmond, my trusty Honda for ten years. Who just got his first stain on Wednesday when I let my friend eat pasta in the car on the way to the temple.......

2013: Stay In Town

I'm not usually very into New Years Resolutions. In 2009 my resolutions were to have a McFlurry and Ben & Jerrys, and I accomplished them both. But this year I am attempting to not be so scheduled, as generally every night and day are booked a month ahead of time. I think this is large part due to my being out of town too much...I was trying to figure out my trips of 2012. Let's see...

Puerto Rico
Utah
Idaho
Texas
Vienna
Budapest
Salzburg
Prague
New York
Ft Lauderdale
Utah
Idaho
New York
Utah
Texas
New York
Texas (driving with Russell to Dallas)
North Carolina
Utah
Idaho
Boston
Maine
Rhode Island
North Carolina
Utah
Idaho
Texas

Oh, wow. Too much. So, my goal for 2013 is to stay in town. Unfortunately, during the first week of 2013 I was in Texas, DC, and then drove to Boston for the weekend. Hmm. We'll see how this year goes!

Speaking of Boston, on Saturday I went to see a beautiful production of Our Town. The show was all about how you need to appreciate the every day, simple aspects of life, that we are so often to overlook because of their monotony as we seek for something grander and more exciting. Hoping to remember that message.

In which I briefly express my unexpected Scroogish sentiments

This morning I woke up to a couple of emails from friends expressing their Christmas messages and found it lovely. It inspired me to share a greeting of love and happiness as who knows if I will ever actually send Christmas cards.

While I was in law school at BYU one December evening I was walking across campus, thinking about how much money BYU had spent on Christmas decorations. The entire campus was covered in ornaments and trees and bows...and my initial thought was of how that money could have gone to scholarships instead. Almost in that same moment I corrected myself as I recognized that all of these decorations were in place because we are celebrating the birth of the Savior of the world. I know it is obvious, but that moment touched me profoundly.
 

This season I have been most struck by the line from the hymn "God is not dead, nor doth he sleep." I can't imagine any other realization being so glorious and life-altering. I have been well aware of the reality of God for decades, but over the past few weeks I have turned to this line for needed strength as I recognize that God is always there for me. And I guess that is kind of the whole point. "In sunshine and in shadow we look to Him, and He is there to assure and smile upon us." - President Hinckley 

Merry Christmas! Hope it's been perfect.

Disneyland

For years I have wanted to take my nephews to Disneyland. My co-worker recently went with his grandchildren (including 2-year old granddaughter) and the kids loved it, so I thought perhaps I could expand my goal and take the entire family!! Arrangements have been made and this is going to be my Christmas gift to the family (we'll actually go in April).

Since I will not be with James's family for Christmas, Emily suggested I break the news to the kids while I was there last week. Three cameras on them and here is the big reveal. Hope they like it.

Books: 2012

I know the year is not yet finished, but I just picked up David Copperfield from the library and do not anticipate beginning another book in the next month. Please note that teaching the Old Testament has really slowed me down, though I have read 500 pages of that over the past few months (and 200 pages of the manual...).

I finished reading Madame Bovary on Monday. Have you read it? I feel like it was Anna Karenina but not as good, though I shouldn't compare anyone to Tolstoy, and the low point of 2012 was when I found out that the new Anna Karenina movie was rated R. WHY?!?!?

Here are some other books I have read this year. I joined a book club so read one book with them that wasn't on my list; luckily I had already read the other books we are covering:

Dracula
1984
Brave New World
Catcher in the Rye
Far From the Madding Crowd
Count of Monte Cristo
The Three Musketeers
Madame Bovary
Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close*
Their Eyes Were Watching God
Joseph Smith: Rough Stone Rolling

This list seems incredibly short...I will blame the Old Testament and the fact that I now telework 2 days a week so I am taking the metro a lot less.  As I have reflected on my year of reading, the real winner is Dumas. Wow, I loved his books! Who would have thought that after 1400 pages you'd be wanting more? I loved loved loved The Three Musketeers (even though I cannot find a copy of the movie anywhere!). Though Tolstoy won my heart last year, Dumas really entertained me.

There is a lot of Dickens on my list, and I have been putting him off. So many books to read still!! I am mostly dreading The Grapes of Wrath. ughh.... 

*this is the first modern book I have read in 2 years. It was perfect to read in Puerto Rico, though I realized modern literature is quite emotionally manipulative.  I cried through the whole book whereas I think the only older book I have cried through was Les Mis. The end when Jean Val Jean goes through the baby clothes...wow...I was weeping on the airplane.

Gratitude

{sorry this is a day late}

Two days ago I went to visit my new friend Alma. She is a great-grandmother who lives in a nursing home. We really bonded last weekend when I drove her to church and had to get her and her wheelchair into my car. She is a gem.

When I went to see her this week we discussed a talk from General Conference by President Uchtdorf that really struck me both initially and re-reading it. He talked about how so often we only enjoy experiences in the retrospect and how we must instead enjoy them as they happen. I LOVE this. I love this part, too:

"We shouldn’t wait to be happy until we reach some future point, only to discover that happiness was already available—all the time! Life is not meant to be appreciated only in retrospect. 'This is the day which the Lord hath made … ,' the Psalmist wrote. 'Rejoice and be glad in it.'"

So Alma and I talked about this and I was so severely struck by this concept and how it applied to me in that moment. How life had given me so many blessings, including this new friendship.

Just hours before I went to visit her I was thinking about how Fall 2010 really seemed like the golden days of my time in DC, and how everything since then had not been as fun and exciting and happy. And then I taught Alma and we rejoiced in this great message and I realized my life is extraordinary and I could never have adequate time to give thanks for all of life's blessings. Grateful for a renewed understanding that I need to enjoy my life today, always recognizing my many blessings and the source of them all. "Humility and gratitude are truly the twin characteristics of happiness." - Richard C. Edgley

I feel it is fitting to end with my favorite quote from my favorite book by the most brilliant author. Nothing in all of literature has ever struck me like this. I am grateful for Tolstoy: 

'People speak of misfortunes...,' remarked Pierre, 'but if at this moment I were asked: "Would you rather be what you were before you were taken prisoner, or go through this all again?" then for heaven's sake let me again have captivity and horse flesh! We imagine that when we are thrown out of our usual ruts all is lost, but it is only then that what is new begins. While there is life there is happiness.'

Memoirs...

Recently my friend Kristin told me I should write my memoirs. This was spurred by a conversation where I must have shared a lot of weird stories. I feel like most people probably have weirder stories than I do, but since my co-worker Michael is pressuring me to blog more and I really do not know what the point of blogging is/what I am supposed to blog about, I will take on Kristin's challenge and start sharing weird stories that are appropriate for the internet. So that might not be many. Anyway, here is one that came up recently...

My first year in law school I made a goal to not spend any money because I was so broke. Well, the following week there was a law school auction to raise money for something and I attended and did not bid on anything. Then there was this live auction for golfing with the dean!!! I loved the dean and everyone knew that I loved the dean and was vocally encouraging me to bid. There were 300 people in this moot court room and so I bid once and all of my friends screamed and it was exciting but obviously I could not bid anymore because I had my goal.

Well, after I bid some guy across the room that I had never seen yelled across this room filled with 300 PEOPLE "why are you bidding on this? you are a girl and can't even golf." This sexism really boiled my blood. So I continued to bid and I might be a girl but at least I could cough up $80 for a golfing trip with the dean. And so I won, accompanied by a screaming crowd.

The problem is that, let's be honest, I DON'T know how to golf! This has nothing to do with my gender but is just a personal preference.... Meanwhile, I had gone straight from the dramatic auction to meet with my favorite ever writing T.A. who had asked if they had already auctioned off the golfing with the dean because he had wanted to buy it. I told him they had.

For months literally I would be sitting around feeling happy about life and then I would remember that I had to go golfing with the dean and I would get stressed. The dean loved me but would soon hate me when I was the slowest/worst golfer of all time.

Then I had a brilliant idea: give the golfing to my favorite T.A. ever!! So I did and told my friends who all pitched in because they also loved our writing T.A. He was excited, I got money, that guy realized that it is wrong to be sexist, and life was happy. Until the dean emailed me and said "Rachel, I really wanted to go golfing with you. You can still come..." I declined.

Then one day my friend was talking to the dean and told him how I only bid on the golfing because some guy was being sexist. The dean respected my decision.

The End 

Ode to Andrea

My freshman year I was sitting behind my friend Brittany in church and told her I liked her hair. Brittany turned around and said "I'm not Brittany--I'm her twin sister Andrea" and I felt kind of awkward for making the mistake/did not know that Brittany had a twin sister?!?!?

Anyway, a few years later, Andrea and I are meeting for weekly lunches at Union Station. And she is moving this weekend to get married (!!!) and so I thought it only fitting to virtually bid her farewell.

Andrea transferred to BYU a year after I met her and we both ended up in the same Marriage Prep class. I am glad that ended up being very timely information in our lives. By some fortunate randomness Andrea moved in with me after that semester and I got to enjoy my senior year of college with her.

Then that summer when I was an intern in DC I flew to California to spend Memorial Day with my friends.

 Andrea graduated and was a celebrity reporter and we met up in Seattle and NYC and Provo

I really love my friends...here we are in NYC when I should have been studying for the Bar

Then I moved to DC and who lived in my same neighborhood but Andrea! Reunited at last!

Here we are on her 30th birthday...

 

...and on mine.

I remember my friends Wendy and Becky talking about how they were second chance friends and I think about that sometimes--how some people in your life seem to pop up so many times that you begin to think there is a reason for it all...so glad my life keeps bumping into Andrea's! What a great friend!! and I am hopeful that our lives will continue to be intertwined as she moves to Seattle and embarks on a new great adventure. Love you, Andrea! Can't wait for your wedding!! XOXOXO

The Purpose of Mortality

I gave a talk in my new ward yesterday. The topic was "the purpose of mortality." I researched and wrote a talk, and then Saturday afternoon realized it was all wrong. Sunday morning I read a talk by Richard G. Scott that had meant a lot to me at the time but I had not read in years, and realized this is what I needed to share instead, along with two specific stories.

After giving the talk I think it is a lot more profound than I realized as I truly had little to do with it. And I also really felt that I needed to share it. Hopefully it is of some use to someone.

********

President Eyring said, "So, the great test of life is to see whether we will hearken to and obey God's commands in the mist of the storms of life.  It is not to endure storms, but to choose the right while they rage. And the tragedy of life is to fail in that test and so fail to qualify to return in glory to our heavenly home." 

This talk has really stuck with me because most of the time I see tragedies in life being when someone is sick or dies, but here President Eyring explains that if we are able to look at our mortality properly (with an eternal viewpoint), then we see that tragedies are really when people don’t choose God.  Particularly while the storms rage.

This reminds me of the book of Alma. Here the Nephites and Lamanites are in war for years and years (and chapters and chapters) and at the end some of them took this trial and it made them bitter and they turned away from God, and others were humbled by this trial and realized they had nowhere to turn but God. This seems to be the dividing point in mortality: which one will you choose.

Elder Scott said in April 2003 General Conference: “A fundamental purpose of earth life is personal growth and attainment.  Consequently, there must be times of trial and quandary to provide opportunity for that development.  His plan of happiness is conceived so that we will have challenges, even difficulties, where decisions of great importance must be made so that we can grow, develop, and succeed in this mortal probation.”

I spent my last semester as a BYU undergrad doing an internship in DC.  I hoped that my internship would turn in to full time employment and I could stay living in DC. My second week of my internship my dreams came to fruition and I was offered a job! After praying about taking the job I became confused for weeks…and eventually realized that I was experiencing a stupor of thought. So I asked the Lord what He would have me do instead, and I was told I needed to move back to Provo. And thus began a long trend in my life of whatever I mock eventually happening to me.

I returned to Provo to face a lot of criticism from some of my friends and family. They told me I shouldn’t have been so scared to leave Provo and that I should have taken that job. But I knew that I was where I was supposed to be and I knew that God knew it, and I could not deny it.  For months I applied for and was rejected by jobs. I was depressed and frustrated, but still knew that I was doing what I was supposed to do.  

Back to Elder Scott: “You can learn to use faith more effectively by applying this principle taught by Moroni: ‘Faith is things which are hoped for and not seen; wherefore, dispute not because ye see not, for ye receive no witness until after the trial of your faith.’  Thus, every time you try your faith, that is, act in worthiness on an impression, you will receive the confirming evidence of the Spirit. As you walk to the boundary of your understanding into the twilight of uncertainty, exercising faith, you will be led to find solutions you would not obtain otherwise.”

This scripture meant a lot to me during this time as I could not see why I needed to return to Provo. But I trusted God.

Of course, after four months of this I found a job. And that job was great and I loved it. But what is more meaningful to me about this time in my life is how, more than any other time in my life, I really came to know God. That as I look back over my mortality thus far, I see this as the pivotal moment when I gained depth of soul and a relationship with my maker.

Elder Scott says: “God uses your faith to mold your character.  Character is the manifestation of what you are becoming. Strong moral character results from consistent correct choices in the trials and testing of life.  Your faith can guide you to those correct choices.  Only enough guidance is given to lead you aright and not to weaken your growing character.”

One day during this experience I was tired of being so unhappy and decided to do something about it. I had the house to myself and played “Be Still My Soul” on repeat for six hours while reading my scriptures and praying. At the end of that time period I had the most distinct impression of my life. The Spirit said to me, “Rachel, these things that you think are ruining your life are making your life what it needs to become.” I of course at the time thought this meant I was being led to marriage or some exciting adventure. But I see now that this experience instead led me to being something worthwhile: a person of character.

A few years ago I had an idea (from the Spirit) that instead of wasting my money on beach vacations, I would save the money that I would have frivolously spent for the next few months and give it to my brother for Christmas as he was in need of a minivan. This became what I affectionately called “the minivan fund.”

A month after deciding to do this I found out my brother was having a baby. This would be his fourth child and they would officially outgrow their Saturn. I redoubled my efforts.

A couple of months later I found out my brother had cancer.  Many people reached out to me, asking how they could help. I told them about the minivan fund and people started adding money to it. During this time I had a dream that I threw a Christmas party, and at the party I was carrying around a bowl and people were putting cash in for the minivan. So I took this as a sign and threw a Christmas party, telling people about the minivan fund and leaving out the jars for donations. At the end of the night I had made $60…which was nice, but I had spent more than that on the party, so in reality it was a net loss for the minivan fund. I wondered why I had felt guided to throw the party.

The next day I went to church and a guy approached me and handed me a check for $500. After that I received checks from roommates and co-workers and parents of roommates. Every time someone gave me a check I would cry. One day my roommate handed me an envelope that some girl that I did not know had given her for the minivan fund. I was shocked when I opened it and saw a check for $3000.

In the end I was able to give my brother a check for $9000. It took me two hours on the phone to convince him to cash the check, even after explaining that the money was not mine and if I kept it I would just end up buying a massage chair.

Back to Elder Scott: “Why worry about future calamites or uncertainties over which you have no control? When challenges and testing do come, your faith will lead you to solutions. Your peace of mind, your assurance of answers to vexing problems, your ultimate joy depend upon your trust in Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ.”

What I like about the minivan fund story is that it did not solve their problems. My brother still had cancer and my sister-in-law was still six months pregnant with three crazy little boys and a sick husband. But that in the middle of this—in the rage of their storm when they could wonder why God had forsaken them—strangers had followed the prompting of the Spirit and in that helped my brother’s family see that God had not forgotten them. He was still there.

My sister-in-law even used this opportunity a year later to share the gospel on NPR. She called in and talked about the situation and how they felt they had been blessed because they had paid their tithing and fast offerings; that the Lord had provided for them in their time of need. My sister in law is a great example to me of choosing the Lord in times of trial.

Towards the end of the chemo, my sister in law wrote something on her blog that I want to share:

 “In the last few weeks, I have often been reminded of Elder Holland's talk on angels in conference:

“My beloved brothers and sisters, I testify of angels, both the heavenly and the mortal kind. In doing so I am testifying that God never leaves us alone, never leaves us unaided in the challenges that we face. “[N]or will he, so long as time shall last, or the earth shall stand, or there shall be one man [or woman or child] upon the face thereof to be saved.” On occasions, global or personal, we may feel we are distanced from God, shut out from heaven, lost, alone in dark and dreary places. Often enough that distress can be of our own making, but even then the Father of us all is watching and assisting. And always there are those angels who come and go all around us, seen and unseen, known and unknown, mortal and immortal.

“I love this idea, and I loved it when I first heard this talk, but I can now also bear testimony that it is true. We have been helped by angels from God-- there is no other explanation.”

I am often wowed by how any experience for any length of time—even for our entire life—is worth it if through it we come to know God. Through my trials I have come to know God. And I am ever grateful for the enabling power of the Atonement through which I can overcome any trial because I have God on my side.

Why Facebook is a Life Ruiner

I love reading about how facebook is a life ruiner. Maybe because it seems to now be the main shared life experience. That in itself is bizarre...anyway...

One time I went to Arizona and someone tagged a picture of me on Facebook and this was followed by loads of comments from people saying "why didn't you call me??!" and then I had to reply "I was there for 36 hours and had to go to a wedding/had no car/blah blah blah." So now whenever I go anywhere (i.e. Utah) I feel the need to virtually hide my whereabouts so as to avoid awkwardness.

But this leads to a more severe Facebook problem: when you are on the other end of that. I remember I first had Facebook when I lived in Australia. My social life was, in a word, lacking, and I would see on Facebook how all of my friends in the states were having a grand time without me. I didn't really like it, but it was a lot easier than seeing it NOW when I live down the street from them. Or when I see that someone was in DC and I think "they didn't call me??!" but then I realize if I saw that person on the street I might ignore them anyway.

Or when you Facebook stalk someone (which is always) and then you have seen every picture of their vacations and family for the past 6 years, and then for some reason they want to show you some pictures one day at your house and you have already seen all of them/talked about them on the phone with your bff. But you have to act like you are in fact NOT a stalker and fake ignorance.  I read some very reputable msn.com article one time saying that before a first date you should not google/facebook stalk/blog stalk the person because it leads to boring and awkward dates because you already know everything about them.

Of course, the main reason facebook is a life ruiner is evidenced by last month when I was with my anonymous friend and he would autotype "facebook.com" into his browser while we were talking. Not even exaggerating. This happened, literally, 15 times within 7  minutes. So I finally just went home. And let's not even broach the topic of iPhones.

Next topic: why is Facebook awesome? Well, obviously because it is the source of 100% of the gossip I know, because whenever anyone mentions someone to me I am able to look them up online and see photos and incredibly personal life details, it got my brother James a job one time and, most of all, it has allowed me to keep in touch with over 1,000 friends whom I otherwise might not have. Well, that is sincere for at least 50 of them. I deactivated my account for a long time but then realized it was at the time my only contact with my beloved and once-lost friend Sang, and so I rejoined. She is worth it.

Please like/comment.

I love you like a love song

So today I had this song in my head:

I searched it and thought "Selena Gomez sings this?" then played it and had never heard it in my life! Why was it in my head? Because of this guy:

That's right--Will (who looks like Jabba the Hutt in this video) is 5 and hipper than I am.

And, after hearing Selena Gomez's version for the first time, I think I still like Will's better.

Utah, again

 It had been almost three weeks since I'd been to Utah, so last weekend I had to go back. It was worth it.

I got to see roommate Laura get married.

And see a lot of my other favorite people, too

(they had never met, but came to support. Japanese men are the best!)

I also got to be a bridesmaid and give my first ever toast!

(sorry--there was a photo shoot with my shoes)

Came straight from the airport to my favorite neighborhood in America.

Also went to the Utah Opera Festival in Logan!!

and ate cake

and saw Laura's mom clean lipstick off her teeth. love.

And I saw a whole lot of other people that I love, too. Including Stacey and Becky's baby, Asher. Awww.

I love Utah!!!