if you have not know, i've been having insomnia for the past 6 days, until yesterday night when i finally got a good rest. for the pst 6 days, i got to bed at 12 but only manage to sleep at 4 or 5, and i will cry in the middle of the night if i cannot sleep, i'm so scared that i keep fearing that i would fall into depression. i was so afraid it would be permanent and so i kept crying in the middle of the night, thinking that if this persist, i would lose my happiness. i thought abt the future, and wondered how long this would last, and when would i not worry abt all these sleep again. i fear that i won't get to sleep every single day, and when i am on my bed, i think of how to get to sleep.

the breakthrough was yesterday night. i dunno what happened, i jus prayed to God and said i needed faith and courage. cried in the morning, cried at night, cried almost all the time. haha. i've been crying non stop for the past few days. it was only until david reminded me that God weeps and is also heart broken when He sees me suffering that I realise how deep God's love is for us. and God reminded me to really surrender everything to Him, cos He wants to bring me out of this suffering, and rejoice with me. He wants to smile with me. then at night, I went over to city harvest church, borrowed a room from them to pray awhile, and then i started crying again, and i asked God for faith and courage. As i returned home, and still crying, God reminded me that His words in the bible are true, and His words are His promises, and that promises will be fulfilled, and His words are not fictional, but something that really do exist. prayed over this again and again and again, prayed over

Psalms 4:8 "I will both lie down in peace, and sleep, for You alone o Lord, make me dwell in safety."

and over again, and amazingly slept at 1130pm. praise God

when i woke up this morning, i gave thanks for the good rest, but soon after, i was overwhelmed by fear again, i was afraid i won't get to sleep tonight again. and so i was worrying for one whole day, though at times i tried to reject those thoughts. i wasn't worrying abt my papers at all. ok and so i cried again at night, till i really got to pray to Him again. and then God reminded me that it won't be just one victorious night, but many more victorious night to come. i prayed for God to remove any fears permanently, not just today and tomorrow, but forever after, i prayed and asked God to protect me from any deception that the enemies might implant in me. deceptive thoughts such as " this is going to be long term" or " you will fall into depression if this continues" or " oh nooo, God is only gonna grant me one day of peace and no more" or " i won't be able to sleep tonight"... i prayed that God would keep reminding me of His grace, His goodness and His mercies. I prayed that i would remember His goodness more that i remember the works of the devil. i declared victory over all these fears and insomnia cos Jesus has won the war for me on the cross. and i prayed that even as the night comes and as a new day starts tomorrow, i won't fall into deception and entertain those negative thoughts again, instead, i will believe and cling on to God's promises as i open my eyes each day.

" When you lie down, you will not be afraid. Yes, you will lie down and your sleep will be sweet. Do not be afraid of sudden terror, nor of trouble form the wicked when it comes; For the Lord will be your confidence, And will keep your foot from being caught."

anyway, just wanted to share a little on my thoughts and reflections about today's message during service. it is on a very simple message of thanksgiving, learning to give thanks in all situations.

despite the simplicity of this message, it is definitely a not-so-easy lesson to learn. giving thanks in good times is easy. in bad times, it requires you to see the full picture, to be able to see that God is in full control, and to see His purpose for placing you in those situations. other than discernment of the situation, it requires your willingness to submit, to allow God to do a deeper work in you through the tough times, and accept such challenges with a joyful heart. it forces us to think of all the blessings God has given us when things seems to go out of control, and also not to indulge in our feelings when we have the right to, and where our focus would be on God's unchanging love for us, and not on our problems.

i look back and reflect on my life, the tough situations that i've been placed in. I must say, i've been greatly blessed to be able to survive through and not walk away from God. there are times when i failed to give thanks, but slowly i learnt, giving thanks is easy, it requires just a change of perspective. a perspective of our own to a perspective of His.

there are times when i complain about work, about serving, about exams, about family, and almost everything that is bugging my life, and all these complaining seems to rob me off of my joy and cheerfulness. i failed to see God's grace and mercy upon my life, and even when i see it, i take it for granted, without thanking God for it.

i'm learning heavenly Father, step by step, to give thanks for all Your wonderful ways to mould be to become a stronger person in faith.

dear heavenly father,

i do really really really love You a lot. and at times, i dread the stuff that draws me away from You. the complicated steps i have to take to "prove" to others that i love You, the man-made systems that i have to follow which makes loving You so much more confusing and complicated. the distractions that i get that makes me doubt Your love for me... i thought love was just about loving, loving with all my heart, soul, mind, strength... i love You for who You are, the merciful God, the God who gets angry, the God who blesses... and i know that You love me for who i am too.

dear heavenly father,

thank You for willing to take every single step with me. thank You for holding my hands and walking with me throughout. thank You for the angels that You have given me in my life to support, encourage and edify me. thank You for the not-so-perfect family that You have provided me with, so that Your works can be perfected in this family. thank You for the special someone, who has taught me to love all the imperfections in my family through Your eyes.

dear heavenly father,

it's not just about ministries, not just student ministry nor issit just church ministry. it's about going beyond the four walls, going into communities, going into families, going to places where we are uninvited. thank You for making me part of Your outreach Lord, thank You for allowing me to be part of Your master plan for reconciliation, be it in my family, in my school or wherever You have put me in. i hope i haven't failed You heavenly father, i hope i haven't disappointed You Lord. teach me to make use of whatever You have given me, to bear fruits for You, to make full use of it, and shine in wherever You have placed me in.

dear heavenly father,

i love You. =)