This Friday marks 10 years since J and I met.
. The following is a piece I wrote during a summer writing project during my Master's program just a few months prior to that meeting. I had a request from my SIL to post it so she could read it. Maybe it will make you smile. Love doesn't come so easily to all of us...
How to Lose a Girl in
One Date
For those single folks out there
who just can’t seem to grasp the whole “dating” concept, consider these
pointers. I’m offering them from
experience. Yes, you too can have a disastrous
first date. Traditional first dates often
include a meal and a movie. Sure, there
are a million books about what you should do on a date or what you could
do to make the date enjoyable for both parties.
However, we have all learned that sometimes the greatest lessons come
from non-examples. So, toss aside your
dog-eared copies of Dating for Dummies. The following is a surefire way to mess up a
date.
Step 1: The Arrival
Arrive late. Not only should you be late picking up your
date, but also it’s not a bad idea to call her on the way to confirm those
directions one more time. For instance,
Guy (10 minutes late): I’m almost
there. How far is your house from the
taxidermist?
For extra credit, make sure you
drive the biggest truck you can find—even if you have to go test drive one overnight. This works especially well if your date is
shorter than average. Make sure there is
no step to assist her on her way up.
Step 2: The Meal
Take her to a crowded
restaurant. While you are waiting an
hour for your table, you can stand together in awkward silence. Be sure and divulge any idiosyncrasies you
might have. Annoying habits fit nicely
under this umbrella as well. Fellas, now’s
the time to tell your date that you used to smoke but now you prefer to dip;
that cowboy boot lamp on the hostess desk would look great in your bedroom; and
don’t forget to comment on the gorgeous woman across the waiting area.
Step 3: The Conversation
Make fun of your date when she pulls the movie listings out
of her purse to help guide the rest of the night. Comments such as, “You actually cut
that out of the paper?!” work quite well. Oh, and asking how her aunt died will really
liven up the conversation. (They give
you those big cloth napkins—she might as well use the whole thing!)
Step 4: The “Extra” Time
When you leave the restaurant, make sure you have some time
to kill before the movie starts. That
will give you time to explore those stores you’ve never been to,
“Barnes and
Noble Booksellers. What do they sell
there?”
Don’t forget to take her to your favorite store as well.
“Do you
like the Home Depot?”
Yes, certainly—there’s nothing women like more on a first
date than looking at power tools and plywood with a total stranger! But remember, Home Depot may close at 9:00,
so you might still have to go early to that late show.
Step 5: The Theater, Part I: Before the Movie
Upon arriving at the movie theater,
park that big monster truck as tightly in a space as you can so that your date
not only feels she needs a parachute to exit, but she also has to keep the door
from slamming into the car next to it.
(NOTE: This is even more effective if you can park next to a brick
wall.) When you enter the theater, be sure and ask your date, “You didn’t want
anything, did you?” Not only will she
feel obligated to say no, but that gives you plenty of extra cash to spend on
an extra-large popcorn and drink! Make
sure you slurp the drink loudly in the theater before the movie starts so
everyone else can look at you. (Wait a
minute—this is the late show. There
aren’t too many others in the theater!)
When you’ve finished your drink, be
sure and put it in a cup holder three seats down. It helps if you explain to your date, “That’s
so I won’t be tempted to dip.” (Just to
help her understand.) Also, if you know
all about the architecture of the movie theater—or the contractors who built
it—be sure and share it with your date each time the advertisement slide shows
on the screen. I’m sure she didn’t get
it the first three times you mentioned it.
Step 6: The Theater, Part II: During
the Movie
After you’ve paid big bucks for
this late viewing of a popular movie, make sure you fall asleep. The sooner the better—if you can’t make it
through all the previews, it’s okay. At
least you’ll be refreshed for the drive home.
Every time you wake up and catch her looking at you, apologize and drift
back off. It drives girls nuts!
Step 7: The Ride Home
Once your two-hour nap is complete,
walk your date back out to the giant of a vehicle you drove. Comment on what a great movie that was—maybe
she didn’t notice you missed it all.
Assure her that you’re perfectly fine to drive home (after all, you just
took a nap). It wouldn’t hurt if you
expressed your concern about the amount of gasoline in your tank as you drive
her home.
“Gee, I
sure hope I have enough gas to get home.”
To really push her over the top, as you pass the last
convenience store on your way back to her house, take a long hard look at it
and ask your date, “Hey, do they sell gas there?”
If you follow
these simple steps, I promise you’ll have a date she will never forget
!
