razputnik

I'm starting to realise that I've got to let go or she'll never come back. I really want her to come back more than anything right now. I feel like it shouldn't have been mutual but it was and for all the right reasons. STRENGTH.

If it all doesn't work out and we stay apart, what the hell am I going to do? I'm literally going to have to find a new goal so to speak. I think I've done everything that I've done for the past two years for her, or with her in mind, or for us. I don't really do things for me any more. The only plans I won't back out of are ones where I think someone else might be disappointed if I do. I'll give up things that *I* want easily, because there aren't that many things I want that badly other than to be good at my job.

I guess maybe I don't like doing half of a thing that is important. Work and girlfriend. That's what my life has been for so long now. I think ever since I started work that's how I've been existing. Living my life to make Linda happy I can understand, wanting to be the best at my job I think is borne of annoyance with people who don't try their best, or whose best is shit. It's vanity if nothing else. So now I have vanity? I hope not. When it comes down to it, I am not important if I exist by myself. If I don't give something to a person who I love then I am nothing. I don't know what I'm here for.

Sure I can find a purpose - I don't just give up straight away. It's not the way to live your life, you have to do it in the most positive way you can. I just don't want to.

Part of this was (probably) so that I'd learn to look after myself first sometimes - but it just sounds to me like sacrificing putting someone else first. I don't know.

I'm leaving this place in three weeks to go work some place wholly more sensible and well managed and open source and all that jazz. I've already worked a week of my notice period and they've still got me on project work because (surprise surprise) they're totally understaffed and I'm the longest serving member of my team. I have insight into a lot of things that the other guys don't. So instead of having me had over that insight, they're making me do the fire fighting. Great. Well done.

I can't wait to fuck all the windows admin in the bin. I like *real* operating systems.

So I'm working my notice period. It really drags - and with everything else that's going on in my life at the moment, it's difficult to care.

Meh, complainy.