Another Adoption Update

The short answer:   We are still waiting.

The long answer if you really want to know more:

We feel like there is a spot for a little boy. The kids sat down on this log and I just saw it, and I looked over at Ryan and he saw it too. Room. A place for another little boy on the other end. We still feel like God put this idea in our hearts. Like He gave us more love to give. Room in our home and our family. And some direction as to what this little guy is supposed to be like and where he is. So we wait. Until we hear something different from God, we wait.

37 months - that’s how long our file has been registered in country. Sometimes we wait patiently, expectantly, excitedly. But lots of days we feel more worn out from the waiting. Turns out that waiting is a fight. A fight to choose to trust God. Like really trust. It’s a fight to not give in to fear and the devil’s lies. To believe that God intricately created each member of our family - and then numbered and specifically planned every single one of our days before He chose to create us or the little boy we hope joins our family. It’s a fight to love God MORE than what we want - more than things going our way, more than being able to plan, more than Him taking away the ache in our hearts. But mostly choosing to love God as if He is ALL that we need, since He is. He is doing more in our waiting than we could ever imagine. Definitely more than I can accomplish by worrying, or working on paperwork at lightning speed since that is all I can in any way control, or wondering and trying to figure out what in the world God is doing - and why it is taking so, so long. It’s a choice every day, every moment. Many times I choose wrongly, but there is grace and love always waiting for me. And a chance to choose again.

In case you're wondering, it is taking much longer than the original “average wait time” we heard from our agency. Things change, and there are reasons why, and there is hope that things improve - that kids find the families they are waiting for more quickly. God knows and even though we don’t understand His plan, we have to trust Him and obey without knowing how any of it will turn out. We have to trust that there will be grace to cover all the mistakes we make in the waiting and as we try to be good parents to the three kids God already gifted us with - kids that are so tired of waiting for a baby brother. Maybe it just takes this long to get all our hearts prepared. Apparently even after lots of practice we are still not good enough at waiting. God knows. That’s really the only answer I have anymore. God knows what will happen and when and God knows why.

A lot has happened in the 3+ years since we started this process. Karina started kindergarten this fall, so now all 3 kids get on the bus each morning. That was a weird feeling for me - I don’t think she’s my last child to send off to school. But I really expected to be spending this time getting to know a precious little boy. I was a little concerned wondering what I would be doing with all my time. But God has provided several worthwhile opportunities and I am enjoying this time knowing that it will probably not be like this forever. And I'm accepting that it is also OK to enjoy this season. I guess I have learned a few things through our previous waiting seasons. This is one of them - that life will never look exactly like it does in this moment ever again. And though we yearn for the desire we believe God put in our hearts to be fulfilled, we can also be content with what life looks like now at the same time.

We are in the middle of updating paperwork again - the 3rd update. That means we’ve collected most of the same documents 4 times now just for this adoption. The sheriff's department told me I was a regular (getting background checks again), just not the type of repeat customer they normally see. It’s almost habit now - clean the house (the grimy kid fingerprints that keep getting higher up the wall every year) even though the social worker is not overly concerned with whether my house is spotless, check the paperwork another time, and visit with our wonderful social worker who knows us pretty well by now and the way to our house. We’re thankful for her.

So we’ll do the steps to update everything to get us back current, and we’ll wait some more. Praying that God works His will and that we start to look more like Him while we wait. And that the phone call could please, please happen really soon (like the kids pray - their faith is pretty amazing even if they do wonder if little brother will make it here before they die).

Thanks to those of you that are praying. We really appreciate it. 

Still adopting . . .an adoption update

It's been a long time since I posted. I've been thinking that maybe it’s time for an adoption update. 

We are still waiting. Our dossier has been registered in Bulgaria for 29 months now. We finished our 2nd update in December. We continue to need to update our dossier. The U.S. immigration paperwork and our fingerprints expire every 15 months, but it takes about 6 months to get all the paperwork done and registered so we get to start a new update 8 or 9 months after the last update is finished. That includes background checks, home study updates including visits with our social worker, fees to pay, and many documents to track down. It seems to come around quickly now. All the work to get back to right where you have already been. Not the kind of progress I enjoy too much anymore.

Things in Bulgarian adoption are still moving. It’s actually pretty predictable and uneventful compared to the uncertainty and change that we faced with Karina’s adoption. Our adoption agency has been good about keeping us updated and staying in touch. We are thankful for that. Things are just moving slow. Slower than they guessed for us. 

Some days life just goes on like normal. Some days I check voice mails or my phone rings and the kids ask if it is about their baby brother. They haven’t given up hope either, but they are excited and getting weary of waiting just like their parents. Little brother has a bunk bed waiting underneath a big brother that can hardly wait to love him. He has two sisters ready to help take care of him. They really are going to be pretty great siblings. 

On the hard days we feel each one of the 875+ days we’ve been officially waiting. We knew it would take a long time, but we’ve exceeded the upper end of the “average” wait time and it just feels so long. The uncertainty gets old.

Addyson and Braden were not even in Kindergarten yet when we started gathering paperwork the first time for this adoption. And now they are finishing up 2nd grade and Karina is getting ready to head to Kindergarten herself in the fall. 875 is a lot of days to second guess your decisions, to wonder if you’re really able to be the parents this child is going to need, to estimate when you’ll possibly be traveling, and for Satan to whisper (and yell) lies at you. When you watch families have multiple children join their family in that same amount of time it starts to seem unfair. 

But I am reminded that nothing about adoption is fair. It is never fair for a child to be separated from their parents. It’s not fair for a mother to have to say goodbye to her child, and it’s not fair for all involved to face and deal with the pain and loss associated with adoption for their whole lives long. It’s not fair that we get the opportunity to love their precious child as parents instead. We get to see some redemption and healing along the way. But we didn't choose adoption because it would be fair or go the way we planned.

I am often reminded that it was also not fair that Jesus died for me; that I get Heaven with Him instead of what I deserve. I am reminded that I was created by a loving Father who patiently listens to me pour out all the yucky feelings that creep up. He loves me perfectly anyway, because He chose me. And He's teaching me once again to not yearn for fair, or for my own way. But to wait and trust instead. 

God’s plans were formed long ago for every single one of us and they are sure. He has no need to second guess or wonder if He could do something better. No re-working the plans or worrying. He knew the plan for all these 800 some days we’ve already waited and for all the ones to come. He knows each quirky thing about me and our family (the good and the bad) and each and every single thing I wonder about the little boy he has so wonderfully made and that we trust will join our family someday. And that brings much hope. I have hope that God’s plan will prevail at just the right time. I don’t want to screw it up with my impatience, selfishness, and pride. He’s shown us over and over again that His plans are so much better than what we think we want. 

As I look back and process, there has also been much rejoicing and blessing in these 875 days we've already waited. Much learning, growing, and healing which will surely make us a little more prepared to love and understand this little guy we are so looking forward to meeting. So we wait - sometimes patiently and sometimes not well at all. But mostly with hope. Hope in a faithful God that doesn’t quit and who is sovereign over all of this and all of us.

Addyson and Braden turn SEVEN

Today Addyson and Braden turn SEVEN!

We got to celebrate them with family last weekend.

They wanted a beach party.

Addyson had a fish cake.

And Braden helped me create a beach cake. He loved helping!

It has been fun as they get older to get to work together on their party.

Miss Addyson lost her front tooth so she's got an especially cute smile for her birthday!

They did a great job helping with decorations too!

I printed out some pictures of them at the beach from over the years. They have both always liked it so much!

I have a hard time believing that these little cuties are already seven.

God has been so faithful. I am still overwhelmed every year on their birthday at how thankful I am that they are here. Those tiny preemies are growing and growing. I love watching their personalities continue to grow. To see their interests develop. And how they love each other. It's a pretty special thing to watch them. They are each other's biggest cheerleader - especially at school. Their relationship is so great and I love that they have each other. And I love that we get to be their parents. God's gifts and his plans are always the best.

Addyson is so sweet. And determined. That same determination that helped her survive her early days in NICU continues to shine through and push her to always do her best. She gives great hugs. She is loving learning so much in 1st grade and is starting to realize how she can read things in her world all over the place. She likes to figure things out. She is creative and organized - very mindful of when and how things are supposed to happen. She likes music and has a sweet singing voice. She loves to make and give gifts. She is a great big sister that keeps things going smoothly and makes sure everybody knows what's happening. She still has an infectious giggle that makes me smile.

Braden is so loving. He gives great snuggles and is quick to ask if I need a huggy (hug). He gently jumps into my arms from the top bunk of his bed every morning so I can carry him to his chair for breakfast. (He is getting so big and barely fitting in my lap or my arms but he is forever my little snuggler.) He doesn't love mornings. Or things that don't go according to routine. But he is working so hard to adapt to changes. He is good at math. He loves animals and knows so much about them. He loves his sisters well and is super sweet with other little kids. He is so ready for a little brother to love. He grieves and rejoices with those around him - I love his heart.

Excited to see what year number 7 brings for these twins we love so much. 

Happy Birthday Addyson and Braden!!

Karina is FOUR!

Karina turned FOUR on December 28th!! 

I'm really slow at posting but want to get it done before her siblings celebrate a birthday of their own!

Here's some pictures from her party:

The theme was matryoshka dolls (Russian nesting dolls).

This cake was really fun to make!

Her other request - pink.

So we had as much pink as possible!

She loves parties. 

We are so thankful we get to love her and celebrate her life. 

At four, Karina is growing so tall!! She seems so grown up lately. She's definitely wise beyond her years. She is proud to tell you that she is from Russia. She wants to go and do all the things. Especially whatever Addyson and Braden are doing. She thinks its so unfair that she's the little sister. 

She is full of spunk and sass. She makes our life adventurous. She almost always has something to say. She's cute and fun and I can't imagine what life would be like without her. She crawls in my lap almost every morning to snuggle and she still asks me to rock her when she gets upset. She loves unicorns, Doc McStuffins, anything sparkly, and cats. And I'm so glad she loves me.

 Thankful I get to be called mama by these three  :)