The baby went home

We found out on our 16 anniversary that my hcg wasn't raising like it should.  My first numbers were great, then my hcg didn't rise like it was supposed to, going from 649 on Monday to only 690 by Thursday, I redid the test on Friday just in case it was an error and it was 709 by Monday it had dropped to 624 and P even after nightly suppositories and starting my P shots went from 17.5 before the shot to 12 4 days after the shot. Doc called me with those hcg results, when your doc is on the other end of the line you know it's not good news.

Doc suggested stopping P suppository and allowing miscarriage to happen naturally if possible. I certainly didn't want a D and C so I was thankful he didn't want that route either. He moved up my appointment, I had one set for the 20 for my first ultrasound but he moved it to Friday the 13th. He said he wanted to "talk" so in I went with Gavin, Grant had Alana at home, we put our house up for sale and he was getting it ready for a showing (that didn't show)  When I got to appointment the nurse tells me Doc wants an ultrasound. Well I wasn't happy about that. I had started bleeding the day before and a ultrasound didn't sound like a fun time. Docs reasoning was sound though, he wanted to check lining and know what I was to expect with the weekend coming. He recently had a girl start hemorrhaging in the middle of the night on the weekend after her miscarriage and he wanted to know and for me to know what I could expect. I ended up being very thankful for the ultrasound. It gave me peace of mind and helped me feel better. I'm an information girl.

The Doctor commented on how I looked "so good" that most women don't "look that good after a miscarriage" my response was" doc, our first baby was in our arms for 11 days and we had to bring him back. That kind of prepared us that things don't always go as planned". With this baby I'm so grateful to know that she's in heaven. That's a peace I don't have with our fist boy we lost, his life will be difficult, he will suffer. This baby though, she will never know suffering She will only know love, we loved her for the short time she was here, we rejoiced and so many rejoiced with us at the news of her. And now she knows the love of our heavenly Father.
  Grant talked to Alana, the day the miscarriage started. I was sitting on his lap, crying because it was over, this amazing thing, life inside me was gone and Alana asked why I was crying and Grant told her that Mommy was sad because the baby in her tummy had gone to see Jesus. That we wouldn't get to meet the baby here, or hold her.As she asked questions about why we wouldn't get to see the baby I swear i could hear the slightest quaver in her voice. Grant heard it too. But she understood. She amazes me. She asked the most insightful questions. Talking to Alana that night Grant told her she could talk to the baby in heaven. she told him the baby was a girl and her name was Clare. I had been thinking about a name too and the day before had thought Clare but then thought no my sister has a girl named Clare... but her words cemented it. Our baby was a girl and her name is Clare. And she is LOVED.

I'm grateful for the knowledge that I can get pregnant.
I'm grateful for the LIFE of my beautiful baby.
I'm grateful that she is in the arms of her heavenly Father.
I'm grateful.

Sarah laughed at God saying, Shall the Lord give me this pleasure now that I am old? And so did I

Well my friends, 16 years of marriage, infertility, plenty of vacations, moved 14 times, adopted two children. Had one surgery and 6 months of femara and hcg. On the sixth month...my last one.  We are pregnant.

We were at Disney when we suspected. symptoms where seeming obvious....I told Grant if ever I am actually pregnant this is my best chance.

But still it has to be a joke right? I can't be pregnant. My body is playing tricks again. But it is P20 here. Why else would I be so late?

alas Disney has condoms but no pregnancy tests.

so we came home, got home at 2 am. Grant went buy me a test at 10 am because of course I don't keep those devil sticks in my house.

and it instantly showed me this

And I laughed. As TCIE pointed out so did Sarah. Sarah laughed. I know why she laughed. It's funny. And amazing and beautiful. How God works. He waited 16 years. I needed Alana and Gavin first. I needed to be totally surrendered. To accept my infertility, to accept motherhood. My beautiful amazing babies. Then He threw me a loop. Bam, pregnant. On my last official cycle of "trying" I was done. Ask Sew I texted her after my last femara dose and said I"M DONE..................He had other plans.

I called Grant in to show him the test and I shook, and cried. He hugged me and he laughed too.

amazing, beautiful. miraculous. Life blows me away.

For Nothing shall be impossible with God.

back on the ttc train? who me?

So the new dr wanted me on femara and hcg for 6 months because he wanted to "throw everything at this' so I don't "regret not trying everything when your 45" This was my last month. I'm gonna be honest. My heart wasn't in it. I laugh at the thought of almost 16 years (feb6) of infertility being magically fixed with a little femara and hcg. It's funny right? I know my humor is kinda sick but honestly I find it funny. So obviously I'm on month 6 here and no magical positive pregnancy tests. I didn't even get a positive test TWO DAYS after an hcg shot. Them things are RIGGED I tells ya. Anywho I did p7 (yes the only one) today so will see what the drugs did. Sew fussed me months for not getting p7's.

Kids are growing so fast. Alana has so much energy. She's my go girl. She's quite smart, in my opinion and I think I'll be in trouble soon.  she's really good with numbers so Dad will teach her math soon too. Can't have my daughter know she's smarter than me at 7.

Gavin is still mr low key. Not walking, not crawling and he just turned ONE. Can you believe it? It's been a year. It just flew by. He has a temper and he can eat All.Day.Long. he's my garbage disposal. Eat eat, nom nom nom and skinny. No rolls to be seen.

We are talking about moving again. yes you read that right. As much as I love my house I'm ready to be back near the city again. Will see what happens.

Here are the muchkins.

Hello everyone

Hey everyone, wow I can't believe how long it's been since I've been on here. Days are busy lately, the kiddos keep me busy. That's not actually true. Alana keeps me busy. Gavin is the easiest baby in the world. really. If we could clone him people would try to out do the Duggers.:)  Ok first things first. I painted my living room. It was red, it's now a grey. Nice, neutral and calm. I really love it. I need to post pics of the house now. Will get there I promise.

this is "after" all done, bye red!

so you can see color difference. I painted mantel too, need to take a pic.

my boy is 7 months now! Crazy how time flies.

My Aunt bought Alana a Hula outfit in Hawaii. She loves it.

Family of four, visiting Sr Agnes

Guess who FINALLY' came visit?

In other news SEW came visit. Can you image? It was a blast, her kids are dolls and they came for Alana's fourth birthday. It was so much fun. Can't wait for them to come back!!

My Napro Dr talked me into trying femara and hcg for 6 mo before saying we are "done" and leaving all this ttc behind forever. I'm not sure why I went along but I'm at the end of a VERY long miserable cycle. I hate femara. really. I do. Anyone else felt like poop on this stuff? Not sure I'll make 6 mo of this misery. Besides I look at the beautiful faces of the kids I'm unbelievably blessed to have call me mom and you know what? I'm perfectly happy.

adjusting to life as it is now

so much changed so quickly, G's job, new house, baby in Nicu for 8 weeks and now home with everything. It's going really really well. I thought I'd hate G new shift but I don't, I knew I'd love the house! I just haven't had much time to do anything yet. I need to paint, hang pics etc. They didn't leave any touch up paint so I don't want to hang anything until I paint. No point doing everything twice. I will likely get some opinion from ya'll on my living room. It's red. I'm not a red fan.

baby G is doing great, still on oxygen which means I don't venture out alone much. Alana plus an infant plus a 10 pound oxygen tank on my shoulder, with purse phone and keys. Nooooooooooo. Not happening. Though I'm getting claustrophobic so it's gonna happen soon. Tomorrow is the Dr appointment that may make going out easier. It's the pulmonologist. He makes oxygen call. The cardiologist said his echo was "perfect" two weeks ago. He said when G left the nicu lung pressure was 45, with 17 being the pefect pressure. Well he was at 17 two weeks ago for the echo. I was thrilled. I'm going to be devastated if pulmonologist doesn't let us start weaning tomorrow. baby G HATES the oxygen, he's like Houdini with getting it off himself. It's crazy. Prayers please?

Alana is doing great. A wonderful big sister. She is not jealous AT ALL. I'm so proud of her. She was SO READY to have a sibling. She just loves her baby brother!! She helps me change his diaper. Brings me bottles and hold his hand during his bath. She's fabulous. :)

After Mass

loving on her baby brother before bed

At his baptisim

Daddy with his babies, during family rosary



Father, Godparents, our little family of four and Grandparents after the Baptism.

So much stress

Our little Gavin is still in the nicu he's already 5 weeks, almost 6 and it's so stressful. The meconium is making him breathe too fast, it's called tachypnea and a health baby will breath at the fastest about 70 breathes a minute. Gavin will hit 130. Yesterday the Doctor finally said the word "better", this is the first time we have heard that word. He was hitting 80's as his high yesterday. But I found today he was a bit faster again.  So much left up in the air, not knowing when he'll come home. They were doing a treatment with albuterol and "tapping" to try and help clear his lungs. This was supposed to last one day, it lasted two weeks. They finally discontinued it. They called in a pulmonologist and he started him on an asthma steroid saying his lungs are acting like asthma because of the meconium. The regular Doc also ran a MRI and he's had four echo's. All clear on those. So it's just the right lung, one spot giving us all this grief. He's getting so big. We have lost the newborn phase, a phase I just adore. That makes me sad. He's aready 10lbs 10os and growing well.

To add to that stress is the house. With a lot of drama we are finally getting it. We have to be out of ours by Friday the 28 and pushing hard to close the new one that same day. It was supposed to be done originally on the 14 but the people at the bank are incompetent  super slow. So we are hoping to pack up Thursday sleep at a hotel and go Friday sign for both houses and drive U-Haul to the new place to unpack. Add to that that we never know when Gavin will come home. And before he comes home I have to room in with him for a night maybe two. I told them yesterday, that Thursday and Friday are OUT for me rooming. absolutely not possible. There is just no way to get it all done on those two days. Please pray for us. That it all works out. There is a lot of stress hitting all at the same time. I'm holding on, but have to admit to eating serious junk food to compensate. Ahhh! lol
I'm SUPER excited about the house, it's so me. Here are some pics. This is current resident furniture and deco, not mine!

 

 

Its AWESOME!!

We are a family of FOUR!

But if you're still with me I have news. We are now a family of FOUR! I can't even believe it.  The local situation popped back into our lives, TWO days before the birth. It was a major roller coaster of dealing with baby daddy drama and a baby the nicu and I didn't know if he was mine. I had to decide if I would go see him daily and risk my heart getting broken. End up I went. I went to hospital the day he was born and then he was transferred to the nicu about 12 minutes from our home. I went daily there, amid the baby daddy drama and in the end it paid off. The noise maker wasn't the daddy. big relief, to us as well as the bmom and her family. Grant didn't go see him until the tpr was signed. He didn't' want us both falling apart if it fell through. Especially with Alana. So I introduce Gavin James born at 8.8 full term. He's still in the nicu at 3+ weeks old for meconium aspiration, he had inhaled merconium at birth and he's having a hard time getting over it. He is gaining weight really well though and is almost 10 pounds. As frusterating as it is not to having him home yet (he was supposed to come home tomorrow) I remind myself of the first two weeks. He had a rough start poor little guy. From the oxygen, to antibiotics, iv's in his head, hand,head etc etc and morphine. At least he is needle free now. they had fully removed him from the oxygen for about 6-7 hours on Friday before he started breating too fast again, it stayed high for too long so they had to start the oxygen again. So oxygen is the "only" thing he's on now.

 in other news, we have to be out of our house by Feb 28 and not sure we have a house to move into. The house we want had a low appraisal which owners refused to sell for. We can't pay over appraisal. We challenged it. And now they are doing another appraisal. That should be back by Wednesday. I really pray it comes in high enough for the owners to be able to say yes and we get the house. It's  an amazing house. I'll be so sad to lose it.


here is our new boy...