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Dear Little Bug,

To my dear, sweet little bug. Where do I even begin this letter? You turned one today. A number at times I couldn't wait to reach and at others I tried pushing it away as long as possible. Just one year ago yesterday you were in my belly. You were kicking and squirming and trying to find some more space under my ribs. You decided enough was enough and made your appearance. Just one year ago today I was sitting in the hospital bed with a brand new human being staring up at me making me realize I was the one responsible to feed and clothe and shelter her. To protect her from all things bad while letting her still make her own mistakes. And all I could do was stare at you and wonder how I was feeling this ever growing love for you so quickly.

Last night you woke up about 2:30am and I let you try to soothe yourself to sleep but I could just tell you needed mama. So I made a bottle and came and cuddled you and then you fell asleep on my shoulder. I remember when you used to fit in one of my arms. Now it takes two for those long legs and chunky little bum to fit. We just sat there, just the two of us. Like a year before that when you were in my belly and I was the only one that knew you. I sat there much longer than I needed to, but I couldn't get enough of you right then.

You have turned into such an amazing little gal. I still swear you are a genius and Daddy makes fun of me for it but I know you are wiser much beyond your age. You can point to your nose and your ears and you love turning the pages to your books as I read them. You know what's coming in your favorite books too which always makes me grin. Hiding your toys is a favorite hobby too. And you are such a good girl when Mommy asks you to put your toys away, you know exactly what to do.

I love you more than there are stars in the sky, booger butt. Even though I shed a tear tonight as I put you down to sleep on your first birthday as I think back to my tiny newborn, I can't help but be excited for what is to come for us. The fun things we'll explore together. The fights we'll get into over how late you can be on the phone but then the loving hugs and kisses when we make up from those fights.

I'm bound to make mistakes through this whole thing. At the time I'm sure you'll be glad to point them out to me. But some day, when you look into the eyes of your own little bug staring up at you in your hospital bed, you'll understand that I only ever wanted the absolute best for you.

Sweet dreams my angel.

Love always,
Mommy

Dear Bugaboo -

I'm sure you've noticed by now all of the silly nicknames you've been given in your short life. Just some of the names you are currently called are Reesey Dean Sausage, Bugaboo, Pumpkin Pie, Bug, Reesie Pie and Gabby's nickname for you - Pinkalicious. Not sure where that came from or why, but she's quite proud of it. As I say in every letter, you've changed so much since last month. You are now rolling all over and purposefully to get places and scooting backwards. I'm excited and a little bit sad that you are so close to crawling. The excitement is because I know how much fun you'll have exploring your little world in your own time and at your own pace. But I'm also sad that my infant is slowing turning into a toddler. I remember bringing you home from the hospital. It was a day similar today with some random rain showers. Just as we pulled into the parking lot at home it started to sprinkle and I remember thinking how completely unperfect. But I think that little detail alone shows exactly what you've taught me every day since you've been in my life - that it won't be exactly as you expect it to but it'll be perfectly unperfect so you remember it exactly. I have a lot more to say to you, but you are demanding my attention for help building the blocks so you can knock them down. I love you more than there are stars in the sky little bug. Forever and always, Mommy

Pumpkin Pie,

I’m pretty sure I start out every single letter to you with how much I love you. I just can’t help it, because I do love you an incredible amount. It overwhelms me sometimes. So much so that I hold you tightly to my chest and just smell and kiss you. Sometimes against your will. But my to my delight, you have started loving it. We sit and cuddle and talk and smooch and giggle and it is the most magical time of my life. I wouldn’t trade those moments for a bazillion dollars. And I’ve wished for a bazillion dollars quite a few times in my life so that should tell you where you rank.

You have one heck of a temper though, little lady. If you are mad the entire world knows about it. I think you got your lungs from your Aunt Halley. She used to rattle the windows and I’m pretty sure I’ve heard ours clank a few times too.

Don’t tell anyone, but I love that you need me so much right now. For the first threeish months of your life I knew you needed me for survival and while I loved it, it seemed like too much sometimes. However, now you need me emotionally and that melts my heart. Knowing that I am the person to you that my mom was to me brings tears to my eyes. That sounds silly, and you probably won’t know what that means until you have your own little gremlin, but you’ll understand some day.

Grandma Bobbi was the best comforter in the whole world. She knew exactly how to stroke my hair and kiss my head and make everything all better. Now that I’m that for you, as basic as it may be at this point, my life feels complete. I have a purpose in my life. I have a reason to get up and get your cranky pants out of bed. The best part is that as soon as you hear my sing our morning song you stop whining and start smiling. You get so excited and reach out to me and stretch your tiny little body as far as it will go.

I have seen your beautiful little face for 6 months now. That’s half a year. It blows my mind that I have been able to keep you alive (and generally happy) that long. Surely we can make it the next 20 some years.

You have started sitting up completely on your own. Well, from a reclined position anyhow. You can roll over too, you just generally refuse to because you know someone will come along to your rescue if you just yell about it long enough. And yell you do! You don’t scream, you don’t cry, you yell when you want something. It’s actually quite comical and when I stop to laugh at you (well, with you not at you) you’ll look up at me and grin and then get back to yelling when you realize I won’t roll you over.

You are sleeping in your bed right now and you have no idea how big of a deal that is. Ever since you have been 3 weeks old you’ve been sleeping in your car seat. The doctor said it was ok so I went with it, but I’m glad you are in your bed now. And you are sleeping on your belly in your bed. I know you are supposed to be on your back but even when I start you out that way you put yourself on your belly so I figure you’ll be just fine.

I’m pretty convinced that you are going to skip crawling all together. You have no interest in spending any time learning how to crawl or get around on your belly but you are already trying to take steps. Can’t say I’d be all that surprised. Then again, I probably wouldn’t be surprised if you decide to not be mobile at all for the first year of your life just because you know your sisters will tote you around wherever you’d like go. As long as it works I say go for it, kid.

I love you, bug. I love you more than there are stars in the sky. Promise me you’ll never forget that and I promise I’ll never stop showing you.

Love always and forever,

Mommy

March 3, 2011

Dear Bug,

I’m sitting here beside you as you watch your Baby Einstein and it’s all I can do to look away from you. I’m still in awe so many times that I made you. The fact that you came out of my body is something that completely blows my mind. You are trying to figure out how to suck your thumb. It’s not that you don’t know how, you’ve done it before. I think you aren’t quite sure whether or not you want to. Maybe you hear me yelling at Gabby for sucking hers and you are trying to save us both a little trouble a few years down the road.

I do pretty much anything for a smile. In public and in private. Your favorite song is ‘If you’re happy and you know it’ and it has been for about 3 months now. It makes you grin every time. Sometimes even when you are screaming your head off. Those are my favorite times. You want to keep crying because you just do, but you can’t help but smile too. It’s quite a funny little sight.

The novelty of you is slowing starting to wear off on your sisters. While they love entertaining you and playing with you, they are back to not doing it every waking moment. Some days I beg them to just so I can finish dinner and they begrudgingly oblige me but are soon giggling along with you. Those brief moments melt my heart. I’ve thought a dozen times now how I wish I would get those on film so that we’ll remember them for years to come, but I can’t seem to force myself to stop watching long enough to get the video app or camera up and running. That’s ok though. There were moments like that when I was young that we can now all talk about and don’t need video to remind ourselves.

Just the other day the girls held a photoshoot and you were there one and only model. They set up different scenes and had me change your outfit for them. They included a bowling scene, beach scene, spring setting, Easter egg hunt, and school scene. It was really quite comical. Gabby was not a happy camper when we told her that you had stated in your contract that you needed a break every so often for a bottle, but she survived and quickly moved on to playing with Pappy instead.

Sleep is starting to become a more regular thing for you also. Some nights you sleep almost completely through and I actually find myself refreshed in the morning. Trust me when I say that’s healthiest for all involved in our household (Daddy especially). About a week ago you started sitting up on your own. You sat down on the floor and looked up at me and in your little mind speak I heard you say, ‘See, Mom. I knew I could do it. I’m not sure why I had to prove it to you.’ That seems to be how you do everything. Like you’ve done it your whole life and are only doing it now to appease me. But that’s ok, I’ll take that.

My tiny little newborn is long gone. You are such a beautiful infant now and I fear a toddler much sooner than I would like. New things excite you so much. Your arms and legs tense up and you reach your longest reach for them. You love exploring new things. The other night Daddy commented how you seem to take everything in completely before you move on. You are very careful and slow to understand it and comprehend it. You opened and closed your little book about 15 times like you were trying to figure out how it worked. And then you understood it completely. You knew you could open and close it as you needed to and that was good for you

You have absolutely no idea how much you are adored and by so many people. You won’t know for many years. Until you have a little gremlin yourself. Then you’ll begin to understand that depth and magnitude of love that can be felt toward another human being. I love getting to know you and your silly, impatient personality. Every day is something new and exciting. I love you more than there are stars in the sky, little bug.

Love always,

Mommy

Day 3

My first love.

Well I have a lot of first loves.

My first romantic love? R.J. He was my high school boyfriend. I did love him. We grew up together. One of us a little more than the other, but still together no less. We met when I was a sophomore and he was a senior. He pursued me more than I did him, and he was hella hot so I was hella flattered. ;) I remember that at one of my choir concerts he showed up late in his dirty baseball uniform and all of the girls were whispering trying to figure out who he was and I was so excited to exclaim that he was mine. haha! I honestly learned how to love when I dated him. I learned about jealousy and trust and happiness and hurt. An experience I wouldn't trade for anything. It helped me be who I am today.

Day 2

The story behind my blog name:

My blog was created as an outlet for my feelings and frustrations in a horrible marriage. I originally started it with no intent of sharing with anyone else. I was internalizing way too much and needed to release and this was my way. It was living a daily rollercoaster of a life. One minute we'd be happy and normal and the next would be such an extreme opposite. Little did I know that the true rollercoaster was yet to come. :) Sometimes I like to look back at those horrible posts simply to remind myself how strong of a person I am to have made it where I am.

I like to give this little breakdown of my life for those unaware of the rollercoaster I actually lived. All of the following events have happened in the past 5 years of my life:

Graduated college

Started a new job

Got married

Moved into a new apartment

Bought a car

(all of those things happened within 60 days)

Bought a puppy

Bought a house

Moved into the house all by myself

Started a new job

Bought another puppy

Bought our third puppy

Moved in with my parents

Got divorced

Got my own apartment

Started dating someone (with two kids)

Moved to Pittsburgh

Started a new job

Got pregnant

Got married

Had a baby

And here we are :)