We're home and all is well

I just realized that I left everyone hanging. The birth parents signed the paperwork as scheduled and we were able to take the baby "home" with us on Dec. 29. Home was a hotel room and then a vacation rental house for a week and half while we waited for the paperwork to clear between the states. We were given clearance to fly home last Friday and have been settled in to our new routine since then. Baby is great - we are so incredibly blessed!! It feels weird to say that after all the hell we went through, but I honestly believe everything worked out like it was supposed to. I couldn't ask for a better baby - he is amazing!

Our Baby Boy

It's not official until Thursday when the paperwork is signed, but here he is. He was born Dec. 26.

Big News

I'm sure no one is still following this blog. I certainly didn't think that I would be making a return, but thought I should provide an update for anyone who may still be out there and wondering whatever happened to me.

So, I had thought my husband and I were just going to move forward and figure out some way to live our lives without children. And that's what we were doing until one day my husband came home and said he was open to pursuing adoption. To make a long story short, a friend recommended an agency used by another friend who had adopted their baby three months after beginning the process.

We had our initial interview with that same agency at the end of September. We just got word tonight that we have been matched with a birth mother who is due with a baby boy on Jan. 2 - as in any day now!! We are in shock. We have not bought a thing, thought of names or even told our employers. I really didn't think this would happen until the spring or summer at the earliest. Now, it looks like in a matter of weeks, we are going to be parents (assuming the birth mother does not have a change of heart between now and then). We are thrilled but completely overwhelmed!!

Life is crazy - wow!! So much to do....

The End is Here

My name is Christy. It's not Riley. I don't even know why I ever chose that name. It has no connection, no meaning to me - maybe that's why.

Anyway, I'm Christy. I'm a real person. I'm infertile and it appears that I will never ever be a mother.

Unlike most other infertiles that I've encountered online (because I don't seem to know any IRL), I didn't get lucky. My attempts at IVF did not work - like it does for most others. I was even willing to use donor eggs. Donor sperm. Donor egg and donor sperm - didn't matter. Still didn't work.

I went to three different doctors. No one could find a single thing wrong with me - that makes it even worse. There is no explanation for my situation.

We tried IVF with my eggs, IVF converted to IUI, DE IVF, DE/DS IVF, DE/DS FET and then finally donor embryo. NOTHING worked. We also tried on our own for four years during all this and inquired about domestic adoption only to get rejected because we are too old.

What's really hard is that I so thought it had worked this time. I had all the symptoms. Everything went so well, but I got the call today. BFN.

I am a complete failure. I'll never be able to give my husband the child that he so desperately wants. I'll never be a mother.

The End.

Thank You All So Much

Wow - I just really want to tell you all how much I sincerely appreciate your kind words, encouraging thoughts and empathy over the loss of my dear Buddy. I found that I just really wanted to talk about her and how much she meant to me, but most people don't want to sit and listen to you talk about the death of your cat and many can't understand that special bond. Even though I had been MIA from the IF blogging community for so long, I knew that I could share my thoughts and feelings with you and you all would understand. Since I have been gone for so long, I was really blown away by how many of you were still out there and took time out of your day to console me. There is really something truly special about our blogging community. You all just "get it." And I appreciate that more than you can know. I hate that any of us have had to suffer through IF and all the hardships that we have endured, but one thing I am thankful for is how it has helped me to grow and be more understanding of others who may be suffering or having a hard time in life. Before all this, I was as bad as everyone else - dismissing others problems and not taking the time to listen and be a friend. Although I don't personally know any of you - you were all there for me. You were true friends and that means so much.

I'm still grieving and everything is still hard, but I'm surviving. I will get through this.

Since you were all kind enough to support me in the loss of Buddy, I thought I'd give a quick update with my situation. I may have mentioned that I finally changed doctors and it has been like night and day. I love, love, love my new doctors (it is actually the first clinic I ever went to for my very first IVF - I should have never left). Everyone is so kind and responsive. I never have to wait more than just a couple of minutes for anything, and I see the doctors all the time. They perform the ultrasounds, they are in the hallways asking how things are going, they call you personally with your estrogen levels. My doctor always responds immediately to my e-mails, so does my nurse. At my old clinic, you only saw the doctor during the initial consultation and then on the day of the transfer. You had no way to communicate with him, the nurses were bad about returning calls, there was no e-mail access and you always had to wait for at least 45 minutes to an hour every time you went in for an appointment. So needless to say, I am much calmer and happier.

We are doing a donor embryo FET cycle. I've been on the patches for a week or two - my levels and lining all look great. I started progesterone last night and the FET is scheduled for Wednesday. I honestly don't have a lot of hope since everything else we've tried has not worked, but I'm trying to be positive, so we'll see.

I apologize for being checked out for so long and not being there to support you all. I just really needed to take a break to try to find some joy in my life. I was on the way to doing that until I lost Buddy. Now, I have a lot more work ahead of me.

My Heart is Completely Broken - I Miss My Buddy

I doubt anyone out there still even reads my blog since I no longer post or comment, although I am still a lurker. After 5 failures with IVF, donor egg, FET - I just couldn't do it anymore. There was nothing left to say, so I quit posting. I do have one quick update - I'm getting ready to do a FET with donor embryos next week, but that's not why I'm posting today.

I'm writing today because I need to talk about my sweet kitty baby Buddy who we had to put down on Valentine's Day. Even if no one is reading, I just need to talk about her. I loved her so incredibly much and I can't believe she is gone. It hurts more than I ever thought possible and I just don't know how I'm going to get over this. The truth is, I don't want to get over it. I don't want to feel better. I just want my Buddy back. She was my baby. My only baby. Why did she have to be taken away from me. I mean if I can't have a real baby, can't I at least keep by sweet baby kitty? This is killing me.

Buddy was only 8 years old - way too young to die. I was not expecting this at all. I thought she'd have at least another 5,6,8 years in her. I never expected her to be taken from me at such a young age.

I got Buddy from the animal shelter when she was just a kitten. They told me she was a male, that's why I named her Buddy. I later found out she was a female but decided to just call her my Buddy Girl - my Bud-Bud. Buddy was with me before I met my husband, she moved with me into his house and then into our new home after the wedding. The sad thing is no one but me and my husband really knew Buddy. She was scared of everybody and always hid when we had guests over so no one understands how wonderful, sweet and loving she was and how this has completely broken my heart.

Buddy loved her mommy, though. As long as no one else was in the house, she would follow me around like a puppy dog. She would greet me at the door when I came home from work, she'd be by my side as I cooked and we ate dinner, she would sit next to me on the desk while I worked on the computer, she slept with me every night and every morning she'd be with me in the bathroom as I got ready for work. She also joined me for my nightly bubble baths - she would sit on the side of the tub and lick up any water that landed on the edges. I loved that cat more than you can imagine. Especially since I don't have a baby of my own. Buddy was MY baby.

When I got married, Buddy was afraid of my husband and would often run out of the room when he entered. It was just recently within the past 6 months to a year that she had finally gotten over that and was starting to hang out with us both more and be a real member of the family. I just hate that she had to die so soon after finally being completely comfortable with my husband.

This all happened so suddenly that I was not at all prepared for it and I'm having such a hard time accepting that she is gone. My husband and I went on our sailing trip in mid-January and when we got home, I noticed that she had lost a ton of weight. I had a pet sitter taking care of her, so I thought maybe she just missed us because she started eating again when we got home. I would sit with her when I fed her to make sure. Since she seemed to be eating and seemed to be feeling well, I didn't take her to the vet. I thought she was fine. I even went out and bought her some special food to help fatten her back up. I thought I was doing the right thing. But then just a couple of weeks later - this past Sunday - I noticed that she was really sluggish and not eating her special treats, so at that point, I knew I needed to take her to the vet. She was still under weight, so I knew something was wrong.

Monday morning, I went up to feed her and she ate a few bites and then just lay down next to her bowl. I immediately called the vet and took her in. He examined her and said she had an extremely large mass/tumor in her belly and there was nothing that we could do to save her. He mentioned surgery but said he didn't think Buddy would be strong enough to survive and that most likely it wouldn't save her at this point. I told him I didn't want to leave her - I wasn't ready to say goodbye, so he gave her a few shots to make her feel better, thinking she'd be ok for a few days or weeks and I took her home. When we got home, she threw up and just lay on the floor. I picked her up and took her to my bed and we laid together all afternoon. I rubbed her and loved her and told her how much she meant to me. She actually purred some and ate some of her treats. I am so glad I got that time with her. I am certain that she knew how much I loved her. My husband came home and really wanted to fight for her. He wanted to try surgery, saying what did we have to lose, so we were going to schedule the surgery for the next morning, but later that day, she just went downhill. She tried to walk, but she couldn't stand and then she let out a few yowls and her breathing got labored. We knew what we had to do. I did not want my sweet baby to suffer, so we took her back to the vet and I got to hold her and kiss her and tell her everything was going to be OK as they gave her the shot to put her to sleep before putting her down.

That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do in my life. I don't know that I will ever get over this. I'm at peace knowing that I was there for her and helped her leave this world surrounded by my love and in peace. I did not want my baby to suffer, but I am suffering so much now.

I can't believe how much losing Buddy is affecting me, but it is so terrible. I have lost all enthusiasm for this FET cycle. I just want my baby back. I can't stop crying, my appetite has completely disappeared and I'm at a complete loss. I miss my baby so much it is killing me.

To make matters even worse, we have another cat Charlie. I had Buddy first and got Charlie later. I love Charlie but he doesn't have my heart like Buddy does - I think partly because he never seemed to like Buddy. The two of them were not close, although, Buddy would always try to go lick him every morning until he nudged her away. I didn't think Charlie would be affected much by her loss, but he keeps looking for her and it is breaking my heart. He won't stop roaming the house and every time he hears a sound, he thinks it's her. It is so incredibly sad. I don't know what to do.

Embryos Selected

We met with the embryo adoption coordinator today to select our embryos. She had two couples for us to choose from. One had similar coloring to me and my husband - the other wasn't even close (we both have dark hair, medium complexions and the other couple was blonde and red-headed with freckles, fair skin). Also, the one with the similar coloring had better quality embryos, so that's the one we chose. However, we did have a moment of hesitation, a moment where we thought about how much it sucks that the two of us can't create a baby ourselves - one that will share our characteristics. My husband and I are both tall. The couple whose embryos we are choosing are both very short - like 5'1" short for the woman. The man is only 5'7". I know in the scheme of things it's not that important, but it did give us pause and led to some doubts about moving forward with all this. But then after talking it through and discussing our other options and admitting that if we were adopting a baby, that we wouldn't be worried about the parents' heights, we decided to accept these embryos and just be thankful that this couple is willing to donate them to us. We are thankful, but it still doesn't mean that we aren't sad that we can't do this on our own. It sucks. It just does.

So the plan is to enjoy the holidays, go have an incredibly fabulous time on our sailing trip and then get started when we get back. We're probably looking at a February transfer. That works for me. I did the whole transfer over the holidays before, and it's no fun at all. I think this way will be much better.