New normal...

I have been living my "new normal" for almost a year now.  It's weird because it doesn't feel like it's been that long, but it has.  When I look back over the year I'm disappointed with what I see.  I don't think I have grown as a person.  I don't think I have learned anything about myself or my God.  I don't think that I have become closer with God.  I don't think I have done anything at all productive.  I'm pretty sure all I've done is focus on what I don't have.

Typing it out and reading it makes me feel so...selfish.  It's hard to look at our true selves, who we really are without all the sugar coating.  And frankly, in this moment, I don't like what I see.  I see a woman who has taken the pain of losing her children and her fertility and used it as an excuse to become a recluse.  I see a woman who most of the time is unhappy, unhappy with her life, her marriage, her friendships, her self...pretty much everything.  Is this really what I want for my life?  Do I want to live clinging to the past, to the could of beens?   Do I want my son to know only this version of me?

I am at a crossroads...continue down this unhappy path and be a shell of a person.  Or choose to live, to really LIVE.  Choose to see that I am abundantly blessed regardless of what I have lost.  I think I'll choose the latter.  I don't want people to say..."she would have been such a happier person if she hadn't lost so much".  I want to be happy in spite of what I have lost.  I hate that I can only see things from a worldly perspective.  God sees it all, he knows what's going to happen, I wish he'd let me in on it a little.

I can't change the past, I cannot get back what I have lost.  All I can do is choose today to be content and do the best with the life I have been given.  I don't know what the future holds, it may have more children in it, it may not...I want to be ok either way.  I want God to use me in mighty ways.  I want to see all the pain and heartache turn into something beautiful.  I know it can...I know it will.

So today, 5 days shy of the one year anniversary I am choosing God.  I am choosing happiness.  I am choosing to live my life to the fullest, every moment of it.  I am choosing to soak up every second I have with my precious son.  I am choosing to be vulnerable and to love.

I am choosing to be ok with the life God has given me, because it is a pretty awesome one...

I don't know how to be ok...

I am constantly feeling pressured to just be "ok".  Now whether this is coming from my mind or society I'm not really sure.  But the problem is that I don't know how to be ok, I don't know how to be happy. 

I just want to scream at people that what has happened to my life IS A BIG FREAKIN DEAL.  I want them to understand how huge it is...at least to me anyways.  I feel like I'm the only person who has a problem with being told they can have no more children. 

I truly do want to be ok.  I want to be 100% happy with my life.  I want to not constantly think about the other children I wish I had.  I don't want to constantly think about Kai being an only child, and what if something happened to him and then I would have none.  This is what my brain does and I can't stop it.  I can't stop thinking of what I wanted...what I can't have.  I feel incomplete, my family feels incomplete.  I try to put on the brave face and go through baby stuff and sell it because I don't need it anymore but it's killing me inside. 

I look at Kai and he is just so freaking awesome and I want more of that.  I want other little josh and rians running around.  I want Kai to have someone to play with.  I want so many things...and I just don't know how to stop wanting.

the world keeps spinning...

So as I said in my last post I got a job.  It's a really great job.  It's at a small hospital and I work three 12 hour days.  That's what I wanted so I would still be home with Kai as much as possible.  At this job no one knows my history.  No one knows what happened to me 4 months ago.  It's weird being around a lot of people who have no idea who I am.  It's also hard that they talk about babies and pregnancy a LOT.  One of the PT's is pregnant, so it's a big topic. 

Also, a good friend from church is pregnant.  She was afraid to tell me, which I understand.  I would hate to be on the other side of the conversation, actually I hate being on this side too.  I just had to be ok.  I didn't have time to figure out how to be ok, because the world keeps turning and women keep having babies. 

Moving on...

2012 was awesome and completely crappy all at the same time.  We rented a great house.  Josh got a great job.  I got a really great job too.  One that allows me to still be home with Kai 4 days a week.  We bought a car.  We got a puppy.  All wonderful things that happened in the last year.

But the biggest event of the year was heartbreaking.  I am so ready for a year without drama, and heartache and tears and so, so many "whys".  This last loss is def the hardest of all 6.  Not only did I lose another child but I also lost my fertility...I am barren.  Those words cut me deep.  As I was laying in that ER waiting for the dr to tell me what was wrong, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would lose my fertility that night.  Through all my struggles trying to have kids, I never once thought I wouldn't have any or only 1.  I always thought I would get through it and I would have the family I had always dreamt of.  I'm an optimist and it really sucks sometimes.

So here we are in 2013.  A new year full of promise and possibilities.  IVF and adoption are still on the table, but now that I have a job I don't really see how either of those would work.  But I'm open to them.  But I have decided to stop living my life around when I am going to have a kid.  I have done that for the last 8 years and I'm tired of it.

So this year is the year of Rian.  I am going to be selfish this year and think about myself.  I am going to not just lose weight but I am going to get into shape.  I plan to do this next fall.  I am going to work my butt off this year.  I am going to be happy and healthy and may I also say, sexy, by the end of 2013.  I am also planning a vacation to dis.ney.world for next year too.  I have always wanted to go and I think Kai is old enough to enjoy it so we are going.

We are going to live, we are going to see the world, or at least our nation.  We are going to experience things.  There is a very high possibility that Kai is my only one and I am going to do my best to give him the greatest life he can have.

So bring it on 2013...I'm ready.

More grief musings 6.1...

Night time is hard.  My brain just won't stop...going over what happened, what it means, what is lost.  And then I cry, I hate the crying.  I always wake up with a terrible headache.  And nothing really gets resolved...it all just happens again the next night. 

My brain is so full of conflict...man this life just hasn't worked out like I planned at all.  I'm about to be 34, I should be done having kids by now...which I guess I could be.  If we do IVF it's likely the baby won't be born until I'm over 35.  I know that's not old by any measure, but I wanted to be done by 35.  Well orginally I wanted to be done by 30 but that didn't work, so why would I think that anything else I wanted would work. 

We are leaning towards IVF.  I think I will hate myself if I don't at least try.  I don't enjoy thinking about the logistics and the time this will take.  But if the end result is what I want then it will be worth it. 

Grief musings 6.0...

Life is hard right now.  Harder than I think it has ever been.  This loss is the only one that also includes physical pain (except my heterotopic, but I was still pg with Kai so it wasn't the same).  The physical pain is a minute by minute reminder of what I have lost.  Not just another beautiful baby but the opportunity to have another beautiful baby.  IVF is still an option...a very expensive and emotional option.  I've been pregnant 6 times and only 1 live birth.  Those aren't great odds, I wouldn't bet on me.  Am I willing to spen thousands of dollars and months of my life for a very small chance at having another child?  This is a question that swirls around in my head a million times a day. 

Before getting pregnant I pondered whether I wanted more children or not.  I always wanted 3-4 kids, but I think fear had gotten me.  I think I was afraid of, well of being here again.  Another loss, another baby not here with me.  I told Josh if we lost this one I was done.  Little did I know that that decision would be made for me.  But there's a way and I have to decide if I'm willing to jump in with both feet and go for it, regardless of what may happen.

The dream is dead....

I had this whole big post written in my head.  I was gonna come on here and tell you all that I was pregnant and that it was a total surprise.  We weren't even trying and there were no doctors involved...then wednesday happened.

I don't know why I truly thought it would be different this time.  Maybe because we weren't trying and it just kinda happened.  That was different, so everything else must be too...right?  I hadn't seen a dr yet because of insurance crap.  I considered that good and bad.  Bad because I didn't know what was going on and good because I didn't know what was going on.  I was able to live in denial because I really had no clue what was happening inside my body.  I had finally gotten my dr's appt scheduled but it wasn't until Oct 2.  But I was feeling pretty crappy, so that was a good sign.  And seriously, how could I possibly have another miscarriage?  I mean really isn't 5 enough.  I had had a successful pregnancy so there was no reason to think this would be different.

So fast forward to Wednesday...24 hours ago.  I was having a cramping pain and it quickly got worse until it was severe.  We headed to the ER around 9:15 pm.  It really just felt like a contraction that would not stop.  The ER got us in quick because I told them I had had a heterotopic and this was feeling similiar.  I saw the dr, got some pain meds and went for a sono.  Even at this point I was still thinking all was ok.  Maybe it was my gallbladder or appendix...or something.  She did the sono and spent a lot of time on my left ovary.  Everytime she moved the wand over there the pain was unbearable.  By this point I was thinking that my ovary had a cyst and it had burst.  I mean I was over 10 weeks.  When my tube burst at 8 weeks last time everyone was surprised I made it that long.  No way would it wait until 10 weeks to burst.

They wheeled me back to the room and as soon as I was in Josh told me it was an ectopic.  That's when my world came crashing down.  They took me to surgery and thankfully this time it wasn't as bad so they did it laprascopically.  When I woke up I was told they took my left tube and ovary.  The dr said it was just a huge mess in there and it was very likely the baby had implanted in the ovary.  I spent the night in the hospital and came home around 2 this afternoon.

I haven't really let myself feel all that is inside.  I'm afraid I won't be able to come back from it.  It's different this time because I have a Kai, I have to be here and available for him.  But it's hard and I am angry.  So angry that my fertility has been taken away from me.  That I don't get to decide to have more kids...it's been decided for me.  That all the dreams I had for my life have been stolen from me.  I am so freaking angry right now, and I don't know when I won't be.  I cry everytime I think of Kai being an only child.  How unfair to him, he was robbed of siblings... 6 of them to be exact. 

I know eventually I will come out on the other side of this and life will go on.  But today...today I choose to be angry.  Angry that I cannot give my son and husband more kids.  Angry at the hand I was dealt, just angry at everything. 

It's not lost on me the irony of my story.  My journey to be a mother began and ended the same way.  Pregnancies achieved on my own, without medical help.  And at 10.5 weeks they were over...